#we know remus better than jkr does send tweet

[impishtubist]

thoughts on this post on r/harrypotter?

Why is Lupin and Harry's distant relationship Harry's fault? I was reading a thread the other day about Sirius' messed up life and saw someone argue that Lupin had it worse because of his lycanthropy, and because Harry "threw him away like trash" after meeting Sirius and never wrote him.

First of all: Lupin never visited Harry while Harry was growing up. Now, I don't consider this to be his fault as he was probably struggling with his condition and heavy depression. But this is conclusive proof that he wasn't as invested/capable of being invested in Harry's well-being as Sirius or Harry's parents were. He did not fill a parental role in Harry's life and nor was he interested in doing so. He did not let Dumbledore know about Sirius' Animagus form, despite knowing (or believing) at the time that Sirius would probably be targeting Harry. Again, Lupin let his own shame and self-interest prevent him from acting in Harry's well-being. He never told Harry about his relationship with Harry's parents during the school year until it was forcibly revealed. James literally became an Animagus for him and he couldn't be arsed to tell his son, "Hey! I knew your parents. If you want to hear some stories about them, let me know!" He treated Harry as a (perhaps favored) student. Their relationship was NOT personal, and Lupin was incredibly careful to keep it that way.

He never wrote Harry after third year or even during the Triwizard Tournament. In the beginning of GOF, when Harry had the dream about the old man being killed by Voldemort, he thought about writing Lupin but decided against it, because he assumed Lupin was just an old teacher and wouldn't want to hear from him. Considering Lupin didn't write even after he (presumably) read about Harry's involvement in the Triwizard Tournament, Harry would've felt vindicated in his assumption. It was Sirius who broke out of Azkaban for him, Sirius who ate rats to be near him, Sirius who wanted to be updated on his life and keep tabs on him. Lupin simply didn't care to the same extent, and that cool regard made Harry similarly wary.

To my previous point, why is the onus only on Harry for writing Lupin? I agree that if Harry had been more proactive, he could've signaled to Lupin that he did, in fact, need someone to care for him and Lupin might have been provoked to respond. But Harry, abused and neglected for most of his childhood, had the natural belief that adults simply did not/could not be trusted to care for him. Sirius was the only person who broke through this wariness because of the lengths he went to to care for and protect Harry. Lupin did not make any gestures the size of Sirius. In fact, Lupin did not make any such gestures, period. He had to be convinced to teach Harry the Patronus charm. He did not want to spend any time with Harry beyond what he had to do as his teacher.

Speaking of which, the only time Lupin actively sought Harry out was when he was trying to run away from his own family. When he got married, he did not invite Harry or seek out his presence (again, not entirely his fault as Harry was either at the Dursleys or on the run at that point). He only came to see Harry when he got scared of Tonks' pregnancy. Every time he spoke to Harry after third year, he invoked the name of Harry's father -- when Harry wanted information on the Half-Blood Prince, he asked Harry if he was planning on getting another title besides the Chosen One (proof he does not know Harry all that well). He dismisses Harry's concerns of Snape as an inherited prejudice. Chides Harry for trusting his friends by mentioning Wormtail's betrayal of his father. Tries to push Harry into accepting him on their quest by mentioning his father, saying James would want Lupin to be with Harry. Which is laughable, considering Lupin's general absence in Harry's life. It's honestly hurtful to me that the only time Lupin actively seeks Harry out is when he's trying to use him as an escape route. Harry was right to call him out, and I (selfishly) enjoyed how rude he was about it.

TL;DR: Lupin's general absence in Harry's life/thoughts is not Harry's fault. Both Harry and Lupin had several opportunities to get close to each other and both, due to their trauma, failed. But blaming Harry alone, when he was the child in the relationship and probably didn't have the self-confidence to believe he was wanted, is wholly unfair in my mind.

There's really not much to argue with here, OP is right and they should say it 😂 I've actually never heard anyone say that Harry is to blame for the distance in their relationship, but I also only really interact with the niche Wolfstar-raising-Harry side of Tumblr and don't pay that much attention to meta analysis in general. Yeah, canon Remus is kind of a dick and didn't make that much effort to be in Harry's life or even show that he cared, which is why I vastly prefer fanon Remus. (Also I don't even count HBP and DH Remus as canon, they're both so wildly OOC that it's clear JKR has no idea how to write his character.)