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reyeslonestar · 4 years ago

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Question what are some things you wanna see in season 3 of lone star? Character development, plots, anything

I want to see Tonya Kong write every episode. that's all. thanks for asking!

sadfkja I joke, I do have other ideas, but that is definitely high on my wish list! i'm gonna go through by character and talk about what I'd like to see for them, so this is gonna get quite long whoops...

the main thing that I'd like to see overall, though, would be evidence of an overarching season plan or arc - it doesnt necessarily have to be a plot that stretches through all the episodes or anything major, but I'd love them to have plotted out the season before they start. from watching this season and then reading interviews after the finale, they dont appear to plan many things from the start and end up throwing in ideas as they go along. if they plan it from the start they can foresee how theyre going to affect character development more, and they can have a bit more balance in the types of episodes they have, so that the season is less insane and more naturally ebb-and-flow with a few light episodes to break up the drama.

okay, onto the characters! just going to do this in billing order for simplicity's sake. customary reminder that these are just my own opinions and thoughts, and this is more of a wish list than a realistic expectation.

if you want to search for a specific character, ctrl F for one of these terms including the dash at the start:

-Owen

-Tommy

-TK

-Grace

-Judd

-Marjan

-Paul

-Carlos

-Mateo

-Nancy

press “j” to skip the whole post.

-Owen

okay so I'd love to see them actually develop his character. Owen has been given a lot of backstory with lots to play with development-wise, but to me it feels like the show never goes anywhere with it. he's got a lot going on what with 9/11, feeling responsible for the fates of his fellow firefighters, the codependence of his relationships etc. I'd like to see him go to therapy and see him grow some self awareness and seek to manage himself better, rather than all his screentime devoted to him being a hero when other characters have the situation handled. it would really show him as a good leader if he drew on the skills that his team has and refer to them for advice/ideas. realistically he is the main character, so I'd like them to develop him like one.

also, I kind of love the chief role for him? I think it would suit him really well. but it would drag him away from the 126 and split up the dynamics too much so it would make for bad tv and I wouldnt actually want to see that. good for his character though.

-Tommy

I love Tommy :) just wanted to say that.

so obviously Tommy's got a lot of grief to handle next season, and I don't want them to shy away from that. I want it acknowledged and processed. (I'd also like a little bit of seeing the twins' grief too, because they're also suffering a massive loss). maybe something with Judd helping Tommy learn to manage her grief with his own experience of losing the original 126, encourage her to go to therapy, plus Tommy, Grace and Judd all feeling the loss of Charles together. after all, Grace and Judd were his friends and they will be grieving too.

I'd also kind of like to see Tommy have something outside being a working mother. obviously we're going to need to deal with that a lot especially now that Charles is gone, but I feel like she's been assigned the Character TraitTM of being the working mum and I'd like to see them give her a hobby or something. idk. and give her a night off with Grace or something. give her something just for her.

-TK

okay so I think theres a fair likelihood that theyre going to return to looking at TK's addiction next season which im not averse to. I think him struggling with his sobriety would be worthwhile to see for his character and to show that its not a straightforward path, plus it makes sense with all the insane stuff they've thrown at them in s2. however, Id like to see it in the context of his friends and family rallying around to help and support him and show him that he's got people to rely on, and that he's allowed to rely on them, plus the support of his AA meetings and therapy. I also need them to lay the groundwork for him struggling, so putting in signs of him deteriorating so the situation makes sense. this storyline doesn't need surprises to be interesting or good, and frankly it shouldn't have any.

as for him and Carlos, I definitely want to see them househunting! I'd like to see the combination of househunting/Carlos with Tommy's kids/Grace and Judd having their baby have an impact on their perspectives regarding their future and spark that conversation (like, looking at houses with more rooms and thinking about kids, future, marriage etc). I think that maybe one of them, probably TK, or maybe both of them those boys have way too many parent issues having anxieties about being a dad could be an interesting way to add tension without being too drastic, and then that can be resolved in a way that reassures them of their relationship and reaffirms their strength as a couple. the talk about the future would also lay the groundwork towards a proposal at the end of s3.

-Grace

grace :) my love :)

I could watch episode after episode of Grace kicking ass and saving people over the phone. I'd love to see an episode set there? like, some kind of story within the call centre with all the handlers having to resolve that between them, but also tie in the first responders, so we see the fire team, the paramedics and Carlos all working but we only see the bits that Grace and the other call handlers hear, if that makes sense? also an actual Grace/Carlos team up where they are coming in from the different angles with different amounts of evidence and figuring out the best way to solve something together. plus I'd like to see her maybe get some recognition for being awesome at her job, maybe another handler coming to her for advice on how to solve something.

of course we've got the baby Ryder on the way, and I want that to go comfortably and smoothly for her. she deserves that. lots of wholesome excitement for her and Judd from the whole extended firefam, baby shower, gifts, the full works. pamper grace please.

-Judd

judd4captain2k22. please.

yeah I know its not gonna happen, but I loved judd stepping in as captain this season and I'd love to see that continued with him taking more leadership, and Owen deferring to him for advice/council in a work environment rather than personal life. maybe set up a long term idea about judd being a captain someday.

he's gonna be a dad :') so what are his anxieties about that? why were they putting it off before? was it related to his PTSD? he's got lots of people relying on him now, how does that make him feel? what if his kid loses him? id like to see him still using therapy as a tool to help himself deal with everything. lots of meaty questions to dig into there :D

-Marjan

I'd quite like to see more of her balancing her daredevil nature with the impact of that and realising how much danger she puts herself in sometimes. or on the flip side, maybe the team is dealing with a really dangerous situation and they utilise her fearlessness to save people. her relationship with social media could also come back? but bring in the development they gave her this season, and her Firefox presence is more serious, less flippant?

I think that theres now a space for her to explore her sexuality/romantic experience now that she hasn't got her engagement with Salim as a kind of failsafe. maybe she wants to put herself out there and date, but thats really daunting as shes never really had to do that before? personally I think this could tie in really well with a self discovery/exploration regarding her sexual orientation, but I doubt they’d go there with her, so thats just my headcanon.

-Paul

I want them to draw on Paul’s observational skills and perceptiveness more, especially on calls and in emergencies. I remember someone (sorry I cant remember who) pointed out that he would have been a great character to centre the arsonist plot around in terms of noticing the clues etc, so id love a storyline that revolves around him dealing with an emergency like that. I also really want a Carlos and Paul friendship so maybe them collaborating on a call to solve something, that’d be cool.

can we give Paul a girlfriend please. if im not complely insane, there was a reference to someone in like,, 2x04?? someone who put mayo in his sandwich? idk I havent checked (edit: it was aioli in his banh mi! thank you @meneatyoghurt), but if there is someone can we show him having a fun and loving relationship please. I dont need there to be any drama. just them having fun on a date or something.

-Carlos

so I know that some people are keen to see him in his police role more but I really don't need much of that. on calls with the 126 I'd like to see him be the officer in charge more, but I don't need police-exclusive storylines. I've talked about it here if you want to know why.

the only area that I'd like to see would be in the direction of reform/addressing the flaws of the system, and I think they can do that on a personal level for him, because he and Mitchell need a chat. if they'd gone with her decision in 2x08, he, Mitchell and the bank robber would all be dead, and I think thats gotta have some impact. also the fact that he was suspended for trying to preserve life. theres a lot they could work with there and maybe have him thinking about how he can do good and how he can effectively protect and serve. not to mention, the opportunity that would provide in terms of addressing his relationship with his dad and how he maybe sought approval by pursuing a police career?

also I’d like him to learn that he doesnt need to accept blame/preemptively put blame on himself and that he doesnt need to apologise when someone else hurt him. kind of want to send him to therapy. kind of want to send all the characters to therapy. but yeah, him learning that he can accept apologies and understand that he doesnt have to make people feel better for hurting him. hes allowed to be hurt and feel pained about it. and that can tie into his relationships with Mitchell, with TK and with his parents.

I think I mentioned most of the tarlos stuff in TK’s section, but I wouldn't mind at least one instance for them where we see it all from his perspective instead of TK’s.

finally ive mentioned above how i’d like a team up with Paul on a scene and both of them figuring it out together. I'd also like them having a friendship outside work, just the two of them, bonding over books and being relatively sane people compared to the rest of their friends.

-Mateo

Mateo is so sweet. I loved 2x14 and the recognition he got, more of that please! also theres still so much I want to know - one of the more consistent things they set up for him in s2 was his faith, so I want to know more about that. what's his relationship with religion and God? he's pretty isolated from his family so how does he feel about that? is his religion something that helps him feel connected to them? maybe the church helped him find a community when he first came to the states, before he got settled with the 126, and he finds reassurance in faith that God is looking after his family while he cant be there? I think maybe there's scope for a conversation between Marjan and Mateo about that, about that distance and caring for their families through faith and prayer.

also, if he's still with the horrible firehouse, I'd like to see the other firefighters being won round by his resilience and stepping up to look out for him, and someone backing him up against the captain. Mateo is used as the butt of the joke most of the time, but I'd also like to see a bit more acknowledgement of things like losing his house and the bullying hes going to get more of from this firehouse.

-Nancy

I think that her speech to Tommy in 2x14 was really telling, and I'd love to see them expand on that a bit more. first on the loss and fear of losing her friends and coworkers, but then also on her hopes and aspirations - she said she wants to be a paramedic captain so lets see her working to take her exams and qualifications, and showing initiative on scenes etc.

id like to see more of her being integrated into the 126 group. she and marjan turned up to the hangout together, so lets develop that relationship more. I would love it to be romantic but I'd also love to see that as a friendship. but also her forming bonds with others in the group as well as more of her and TK being a chaos duo. I love that they stole the ambulance, more of that insanity please!

I think thats it? if youre still reading, youre insane and I appreciate you a lot! honestly im open to all sorts of things in s3, this isnt a prediction or anything, its just stuff I think would be interesting based on where the characters are now.

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wkemeup · 3 years ago

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Hi dude! I hope u dont mind me askin a therapy question. But i could some advice if u dont mind giving it. Basically, how do u get out of a... funk? Idk. I just feel like meh all the time now that i live on my own (i moved outta my parents house, iv never felt like this beforehand) like, ill wake up at 2. Im too lazy to make food so i just read fics to distract myself. If i do make food, which i am learning to cook. I just eat junk food. I cant find the need to shower or brush my teeth unless i know im going somewhere before hand. I rarely change my clothes. I do have school, which has helped on the days i go. I feel productive when i go to class. But its only 2 days a week, other than that i just feel so lazy, like im wasting my life away.

Idk. Im getting a cat in about a week so hopefully thatll help me feel less lonely n lazy. I dont feel sad, just kinda meh all the time. Speaking of that, i had another question to ask u. Now, iv always done this, since elementry school and i do NOT mean it srsly at all.

But, sometimes when i get stressed, over menial tasks usually i just think "well if this gets too hard i can just take a buncha benedryl" (or something to that effect)

Is that bad?? I dont mean it, iv attempted suicide and iv fully recovered, i know what that headspace is like and im not in it. But its just... nice to think about? Like, ya this is hard but at least i got an easy way out? Idk what do u think? Sorry if this is so much, theres absolutly no pressure to answer. But i dont really feel comfterable talking to the people i know irl about this.

Any advice? 😣

Trigger warning: suicidal ideation

To answer the first part of your question, part of it is about being purposeful about planning at least one small task you can accomplish each day and one thing that can be used for self care/enjoyment. So for example, cleaning the bathroom sink and then watching an old favorite movie with a warm cup of tea. Or running an errand and spending some time reading on the couch. It’s good that you noticed that productivity helps with your mood because that’s a huge component. It feels good when we feel accomplished or got something done. You always want to balance that with comfort time and self care as well. But if you just moved out of your parents house, you might be missing socialization. Reach out to friends or family to schedule something (even if it’s just a meal together) to do once a week or so.

As for the passive suicidal statements, it’s not uncommon to use dark humor as a coping mechanism. But the fact that you follow that up with saying “but at least I got an easy way out” isn’t using it as humor. That’s a passive suicidal thought without the context of it being a throwaway joke when you’re feeling frustrated or upset. So I wouldn’t say that you’re actually fully outside of that headspace. It may be less extreme now than in the past and it may be less overall risk, but the thoughts remain. But please keep in mind that I can not appropriately assess these things for you through a tumblr ask like this so I would strongly encourage you to connect with local mental health services if these thoughts continue. There is absolutely a difference between those types of thoughts and having a plan/intent. But the ultimate goal is to lessen the thoughts themselves or not have them at all. In those moments, I’d challenge you to write something in a journal or a scrap piece of paper or even say aloud, one thing you are looking forward to, grateful for, or glad you are able to experience currently by being alive. It doesn’t have to be something significant. It can be a concert you want to see, or the next marvel movie. Your new cat. Chocolate chip cookies warm out of the oven. Anything you want.

Hope that helps ❤️

#inbox #therapy advice #the advice tag #tw: suicidal thoughts #tw: suicide

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comic-book-jawns · 4 years ago

Text

Ten Minutes

Based on an anon prompt

“Hey, I’m so - ”

Jamie flung her arms around her, which was always welcome, of course. But it was done with quite a bit of urgency for having last seen each other not even an hour ago. Jamie had clocked out a bit early to go home and shower ahead of their dinner reservation, and they’d agreed to meet back up at the restaurant, which they were currently standing outside of. Dani was trying to catch her breath, having run over.

Jamie pulled back now, her hands lightly gripping Dani’s upper arms.

“You alright?”

Jamie looked alarmingly distressed. Her voice sounded tight, and her cheek felt clammy as Dani cupped it. Dani tried for a reassuring smile, even as her own mind raced. Why was Jamie so worked up?

“I’m fine. I’m... so sorry. I was... talking to a customer... and lost track of time.”

At that, Jamie let go of her and stepped back, shoving her hands in her pockets. She cleared her throat and looked down. Dani wanted to say something but was at a loss. She’d assumed Jamie would be relieved, but she seemed even more upset now.

Dani took a step closer.

“Hey... are - are you okay?”

Jamie didn’t step back, but she still wouldn’t meet her eye, and she scoffed.

“Well, I’ve been here, haven’t I?”

Dani’s heart sank. She’d felt guilty as soon as she’d realized she wouldn’t make it on time. But still... she glanced down at her watch. It was ten minutes past the time they’d agreed to meet, not ideal but within a standard grace period, and this wasn’t a special occasion — as far as Dani was aware, at least — just a Friday night dinner.

“Jamie, I’m so sorry... I would’ve called, but I... I figured you’d already left the apartment, so... ”

“S’fine.”

Jamie still wouldn’t look up and was now kicking pebbles toward the curb. Dani stepped closer and rubbed Jamie’s upper arm.

“It’s not. Please just... ”

Dani cut herself off with sigh. Jamie hadn’t pulled away, but Dani could tell she wasn’t going to engage. Something was clearly bothering her, and Dani’s explanation for her tardiness had only exacerbated it. She knew Jamie wasn’t the jealous type, but what did that leave?

“Jamie, I... ” Dani swallowed. “I really did lose track of time. I’m not - I didn’t leave late on purpose.”

She should’ve said nothing.

Jamie whipped her head back up, her face flushed. How of much it was in anger versus embarrassment was unclear. But it was definitely both.

“I know that!”

Startled, Dani jumped slightly, then saw her own expression mirrored on Jamie’s face. Dani’s hand slipped off her arm as Jamie stepped back, the color draining from her face. Before Dani could call out, someone else did.

“Jamie! Party of two.”

Dani saw Jamie tense up and followed her gaze. Looking over her own shoulder, Dani saw the hostess standing by the restaurant door looking around, two menus in hand. Assuming she would just want to go home, Dani turned back to Jamie.

But Jamie was gone.

*****

She hadn’t gone far.

Dani found her in the first place she looked: the park around the corner. Jamie was sitting on a swing, kicking off and then dragging her feet against the wood chips as she swung back. There were a few kids playing on the jungle gym but none on the swings.

As Dani approached her, she could see tears trickling down Jamie’s face. As much as she wanted to take her in her arms, she knew it would better to take things slow, so she sat down on the swing beside her instead. Dani didn’t want to risk saying the wrong thing again, so they sat for almost a minute in silence, save for Jamie’s sniffling.

“D’ya know the last thing Louise said to me?”

Dani shook her head, relieved Jamie wasn’t going to give her the silent treatment. Then, she realized Jamie probably wasn’t looking at her, and therefore hadn’t seen her acknowledge the question. Then, she remembered it had clearly been rhetorical. She was so distracted it took her a moment to process what Jamie said next.

“Me neither.”

Dani’s heart sank again as her breath caught. She looked over to find Jamie wiping her face with the heel of her hand. Then, she returned it to the chain of the swing and continued staring straight ahead.

“It’s s’pose to stay with ya — whether it haunts ya or comforts ya... That’s what I’ve heard, but... ” Jamie cleared her throat. “Didn’t even realize at first... that she’d really gone.”

Jamie finally looked over her, and Dani felt her own eyes watering, but she did her best to keep the tears at bay. She couldn’t stop herself from letting out a small gasp, though, when Jamie dropped her right hand from the swing chain and held it out. Dani took it immediately, squeezing it, and offering a faint small. Jamie faced forward again but didn’t let go.

“She wasn’t there when we woke up. But that wasn’t unusual. Me and Denny went to school, asked a neighbor to look in on Mikey. Not that she did it gladly... or well.” Jamie let out a mirthless chuckle. “Denny went out with his friends after, and I went home to find... ”

Dani squeezed Jamie’s hand. She’d heard this part before. Jamie cleared her throat.

“So once I calmed Mikey down, changed ’im, I went over with him to see Agnes, our neighbor, give her a piece ah ma mind. She wasn’t s’pose to leave ’im alone. That was the whole point.” Dani nodded. “But she started yellin’ back, said Louise had come home with a man and told her to leave.”

Dani squeezed Jamie’s hand again as Jamie took a shaky breath.

“I didn’t want to believe her. But she didn’t have a reason to lie. The only reason she watched Mikey willin’ly was so she wouldn’t have to stay home with her deadbeat husband. But she still... ” Jamie chuckled again. “She still stood there and laughed at me.”

Jamie sniffled, and Dani swung sideways toward her, close enough to gently nudge Jamie’s foot with her own. She smiled softly as she saw Jamie’s lips twitch.

“So I went back home, but I still thought she’d show up. Told maself she’d just gone off to a pub with ’im, that she’d come traipsing back drunk that night or hungover the next day... But then it was the next day, then it had been a few days, then a week... And that’s when it finally hit me.”

Dani squeezed Jamie’s hand once more as Jamie cleared her throat.

“So I tried to remember what she’d said — any part of our last conversation... and I came up blank.”

Jamie turned to her. Her eyes were red-rimmed, but she didn’t seem to be actively crying anymore.

“That’s what I was doin’ while I was waitin’.” Dani furrowed her brow. Jamie looked down at their hands, and her voice grew softer. “I was tryna remember the last thing you said to me.”

Dani felt the air being sucked from her lungs. She wouldn’t have thought it possible, but she felt even worse now than she had outside the restaurant.

“Jamie!”

It came out strangled, breathless. The tears finally broke free and started streaming down her face. Her vision blurred, but she saw Jamie’s head whip back up.

“No, Dani, please. Please don’t. This is my fault.”

Jamie sounded on the verge of tears again, but Dani shook her head violently.

“It is, Dani. I - I overreacted when ya didn’t show... and then I took it out on ya ’cause I was embarrassed.”

Dani nodded after a moment. Having a meltdown wouldn’t help either of them, and Jamie’s behavior made a lot more sense now. But something still didn’t add up. She took a few deep breaths as wiped her face with her free hand, then cleared her throat.

“If you were that concerned, why didn’t you just look for me?”

Jamie opened her mouth to respond, then closed it after a moment and looked down at their hands. Dani tried to think of what to say, cursing herself for having upset her again. But just then, Jamie burst out laughing. It was genuine, Dani could tell, but that only added to her confusion.

“Jay?”

Jamie shook her head as if to clear it.

“Sorry, I, uh... ” She cleared her throat and looked back up, smiling faintly. “I didn’t look for ya ’cause it had only been a few minutes, and I didn’t want to seem like a possessive psycho.”

Jamie laughed and looked down again. Dani exhaled, relaxing slightly.

“But I failed after all.”

“Jamie... ”

“No, it’s - we spend so much time together as it is. And obviously you’re allowed to talk to other people.” Jamie looked up, tense. “You know that, right? That that’s not why - ”

Dani squeezed her hand.

“I know. You - you thought something had happened to me.” Jamie nodded sheepishly. “I’ll be more... conscientious from now on.”

Jamie shook her head.

“Dani - ”

Dani put her other hand around Jamie’s now, too.

“Jamie, it’s my choice.” Jamie sighed after a moment. “But I can’t - I can’t guarantee I won’t ever run late again or - ”

“’Course not. No one can. I know that... Doesn’t mean... ” She cleared her throat and looked down. “Just hard to remind maself ah that sometimes.”

Dani nodded, massaging Jamie’s hand. They sat in silence for a few moments, both swinging slightly, then Dani gently released Jamie’s hand. Jamie went wide-eyed, so Dani slipped her left arm around the swing chain and stood up as quickly as possible.

“Can I, umm?”

Dani held out her arms, then smiled as Jamie’s crooked smile greeted her. Jamie stood up swiftly and flung her arms around her once more. Dani closed her eyes as she cradled Jamie’s head and rubbed her back.

“I’m sorry.”

“Jamie - ”

“And thank you.”

“For what?”

The response came a few moments later.

“Bein’ you.”

Dani felt her smile widen, then remembered something.

“Did you?”

Nothing, then:

“Did I... ”

Dani opened her eyes, chuckling as she realized how her ridiculous her question had sounded without context.

“Did you, umm... ” She swallowed. “Remember what I - the last thing I said before... ”

“Oh, uh, yeah.”

Dani felt Jamie pull back slightly and shifted her hand from Jamie’s head to her back. Jamie kept her arms around her neck, and Dani was relieved to find her crooked smile still in place. She was even blushing slightly. Intrigued, Dani tried to remember herself, but Jamie beat her to it.

“‘Wash behind your ears.’”

Dani laughed. It came back to her now. Jamie had worn her hair in a bun while she’d worked and managed to smudge dirt behind both of them.

“Right. Sorry.”

Jamie, laughing too, cocked her head.

“Why?”

Dani cleared her throat.

“Well, it’s not exactly - I mean, if that really had been the last thing I’d said to you... ”

Jamie shrugged.

“I liked it. It was sweet. Short ’n sweet.”

Dani smiled, feeling her eyes tear up again. It was a good thing to know, she thought. And then she felt her smile fade. Jamie must’ve seen it.

“Like you.”

Dani felt her smile return and her cheeks blush. Normally, she was the one who got all corny, but...

“Don’t.”

Dani giggled. Jamie was trying hard to keep a straight face but now blushing furiously. Dani glanced to their left. The kids were gone — though even if they hadn’t been, the way they were already holding each wasn’t exactly inconspicuous.

She wasted no time turning back for a kiss, which Jamie eagerly returned her until she pulled back, giggling herself. Then, they just looked at each other for a few moments, both giggling, until Jamie cleared her throat.

“I know we have to eat.” Dani nodded. “But while we’re here... ”

Jamie jerked her head back. Dani immediately pulled away, beaming, and ran back to her swing.

“You’re on!”

She sat down and turned to find Jamie sitting down with much more dignity, eyebrow raised.

“S’not a sport, Poppins.”

Dani smirked.

“It is the way I do it.”

Jamie chuckled and faced forward.

“All right, then. Loser has to pay for dinner... Dani?”

Dani was already a few swings in, gaining speed and momentum by the second, when she saw Jamie turn to her in her periphery.

“Dani!”

Dani laughed as she saw Jamie kickoff.

“Never said we had to wait to start!”

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melforbes · 4 years ago

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seaglass blue annotations

hello! i just posted the last chapter and thought i’d put together some ~fun context~ for that fic. it got way way more attention than i ever expected and for something i feel i didn’t put that much effort into i think i did in the end put a lot of effort into it so i might as well talk about it and answer some potential questions.

my favorite book of all time is the sunlit night by rebecca dinerstein (yes, that one) and something i find really compelling about that book is how sparing the prose is, forcing the reader to fill in certain gaps, and i think having to fill in those gaps makes the book a really acquired taste with which either you love it or hate it and there’s not really an in-between

i also really adore how in that book the natural world backdrop comes to life, something i find really challenging to write. recently i even read into thin air, the book about the 1996 mount everest disaster, and even though the writing was superb, i still had to google what the hillary step was because i couldn’t picture it on my own. i don’t know how people write nature because to me it feels damn near impossible, but this sparing approach really worked, so i thought i might try it out. i tend to be longwinded (gestures vaguely at this post) and wanted to have certain parts of this be a lot smaller and more contained without negating impact. whether or not i made it work is anyone’s guess. definitely not my normal style, so to speak

based on the comments i’ve received i think this might be everyone’s favorite part. in my mind age of consent by new order was playing in the background. in pretty much every fic i have a scene like this one and all of them are based on the poem first base gold by rh*annon mcg*vin from her book branches (censored because she has a tumblr and i don’t want her seeing this haha)

i absolutely can’t do the poem justice by describing what it’s about, but the simplest, most basic interpretation of the poem is that there is no better place to kiss than right here, right now, because of the past. i really like that imagery and tend to use it a lot. she as a writer has been a big inspiration for me and if you’ve read my fic true minds i should add that the nonfiction inspiration for that was directly as a result of one of her youtube videos. i particularly love how the last paragraph (stanza? im not a poet) is one big run-on sentence that’s jovial and tongue-in-cheek and colloquial and straightforward. it feels triumphant in a quiet way to me and i love how it’s done. obviously my attempts at something similar are nowhere near as insightful, but still, the most basic image of this is that there is no better place to kiss, and that’s how i felt about the two of them finding pudding in the supermarket

this part is autobiographical; while writing this last year, i went through six months of intravenous drug treatment, a month and a half of which involved long days of doctor visits on every weekday. when you’re on stuff like that for a long time you end up with a central line for better access (potential plot hole in all of this: scully never had one) but for a month and a half i got poked almost every day and strangely enough it got harder over time. the first couple you never feel, but a week or two later you start flinching, and if the needle goes in the same vein each time, it hurts the more it gets prodded. i reached a point toward the end of the in-office visits in which i would bleed a lot every time i got poked, and i can’t watch anything like that happen to me so i was looking away each time, and when i felt that the nurse was done, i would look back over, and sometimes i would be looking down at a pool of blood that i hadn’t expected to see. it’s weird, you don’t actually feel yourself bleeding, i would’ve expected a hot bloody feeling but instead it felt like nothing. and when i say a pool i mean that it would drip down beneath my elbow, stain the sheet they’d put underneath, and i wouldn’t get all of it off until i showered. i didn’t necessarily find it scary, but it was surreal and kind of pulled me out of normalizing the experience i was having. for a very long time needing iv drugs was my greatest fear and i was surrounded by that then and fine, and then, there was blood all over my arm, and like, haha, this is actually not fine. you’d think something else would’ve been scarier, but it wasn’t. and now looking back at this paragraph i wish i’d edited it differently but hey that’s life

i’d never really understood the purpose of religion as a self-driven part of life until i took anatomy in college. i was raised catholic and though culturally i understand having a religion and being raised with one, i’ve never really reached for religion when i wanted answers, and i haven’t personally understood why that’s someone’s first option. and i know there’s been plenty of commentary on the hypocrisy of dana scully as a catholic who believes in science, yada yada yada, i think everyone has read all of that by now. but what struck me while learning anatomy is that there is a kind of neuron we don’t know the function of. there are four kinds of neurons, and one of them is still a mystery to us. and then, there’s all of these different parts of human bodies that exist in a certain perfect way, but why do they exist like that? to support life, yes, but why is it that we can make comparisons? why were irises not the same color? and we name valves of the heart after religious figures. we are so hell-bent on meaning that something literal will never be enough. and all of that made me think that dana scully has god to fill in what science won’t answer, at least not yet. and there’s definitely a bigger conversation about science as denial of indigenous cultures that i am nowhere near qualified to start. after taking those classes, i think i would be more shocked if she wasn’t religious. you can ignore pretty much all of the paragraph above but it was important to me that at some point in this fic she willingly conceded that she didn’t know what would happen and that she didn’t have answers. with illness, there is no logic, there’s no thinking your way out of it, and i think that would plague her for a long time. to me, she only would accept her death when she could say she had no idea what would happen, she has no answers, there’s nothing filling in her gaps anymore, and she’s comfortable with that. and i put all of that in a paragraph about my thoughts on god because it made sense to me. there are times that just feel like you’re in a movie and there’s no one else you can say caused them. it’s not enough to build belief on but it’s enough to bring a certain kind of wonder. also one time my parents insisted on watching stripes because it was so funny and when watching it none of us found it funny at all and my parents grimaced and were like what were we on that made that good back in the day so that’s in here now haha

and now, the biggest question: does she die at the end? when i came up with the idea for this fic, i knew the beginning and ending but not the middle, and i posted this as a smaller project (ie: chapters below 3,000 words) while illness made my bigger projects harder to work on and essentially flew by the seat of my pants the whole time. i wrote the last line a long long time ago and have always seen the ending as written as the concrete ending. when i started writing this, i never intended for there to be a definitive answer to whether or not she dies. i like premature endings (the ending of girls burn brighter comes to mind) and i think that this works better without saying whether or not she lives. and i also have a hard time with giving a definitive answer because this fic very much is about death and having her die would, of course, be traumatic, but showing her living instead i think ruins any takeaways people could have. i’ve never had cancer but as a chronically ill person i think i can speak to how you never actually win with illness; the best you can do is tie, and sometimes, no matter how much effort you put in, you “lose” anyway, you lose spectacularly, and all of your effort was for nothing. i wholeheartedly believe that humans can’t emotionally or logically process natural disasters or illness, hence why much of the talk about illness in this is from mulder’s perspective as he experiences her terminal illness secondhand; that way, he doesn’t need to (but still likely will) find logic or reason or meaning for death from a terminal illness, so his discoveries and his coping mechanisms aren’t as urgently needed. had i written a chapter that describes how she lives, i think that the discussion of death in this would be voided altogether. and i also don’t believe the ending would be much different whether she lives or dies; there’s still the need for death acceptance and talking about dying, whether or not she lives, and none of the story in this fic would have happened had the characters known she would live. the whole point is not knowing.

for a little while i toyed with writing an unofficial sequel of sorts in which i spelled out what i think happens after the ending, but after realizing that that would end up being longer than the original fic and would also have some massive plot holes, i decided against it. i do have my own version and i don’t want to share that version because i never really intended for my version to be some kind of genuine sequel in which every question gets answered and everything is wrapped up and happy ever after and whatnot. it was just where my brain wandered in the same way it wanders when i watch an open-ended movie. all of that to say, if you think she lives, then she lives. if you think she dies, then she dies. it’s your decision. i’d much rather you choose than me. i never marked this as “major character” death on ao3 because, well, she doesn’t die in this fic. whether or not she dies after the fic ends, that’s for you to decide.

thank you for taking the time to read my writing. i never expected this to blow up (it blew up for me at least, for a while it was my most popular fic ever, with i think thousands more hits than anything else i’d written) and the response has been mind-boggling and wonderful. i don’t respond to comments often because it makes me feel like a pompous jerk (”thank you for enjoying this! i, too, enjoy this thing i have written! oh ho ho!” is how it sounds to me in my head, whereas when other writers respond to comments to me it just looks like thanks man have a good day, feel free to call me a weenie) but i’ve appreciated all of them very much. THANK YOU! i hope your new year is a Whole Lot Less Shit than 2020. i don’t plan on writing more msr because i don’t really have any ideas for them. thank you for making my last time special <3

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scone-lover · 4 years ago

Text

First Line Tag Game

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories. (If you have less than 20, just list them all!) See if there are any patterns. Choose your favourite opening line.

Thanks for the tags @captain-aralias @aristocratic-otter! ❤️

Secretly, I prefer this to last lines. I think the first line tends to set the mood and the scene for a fic - but at the same time, it’s a lot less pressure than the last one. Probably because posting Last Lines with no context made them all seem so lame, whereas first lines are always delivered without prior context. They’re below the cut! ❤️

Tagging @otherworldsivelivedin @annabellelux @thehoneyedhufflepuff @pipsqueakparker @ninemagicks @twokisses @caitybuglove23 @stillmadaboutpetra @banjjakbanjjak @arca9 @amywaterwings @krisrix @im-gettingby @waywardfangirl @laeve-leve @omgcmere

1. Simon [21:38]: hey agatha Simon [21:38]: wanna go to a gay bar with me - The Gay Bar

2. Sometimes, life here feels like a series of in-betweens. - Northern Downpour

3. I’m at an Irish pub. - Bangers & Smash

4. I tug at my scrunchy trousers, trying to get comfortable. “I don’t remember you mentioning me having to wear a dress,” I grumble. - Dancing Lights

5. I think it’s more than being a little into cryptozoology. I mean, Mothman’s got me on my knees, pushed against a tree with my pants down to my ankles, so really— cryptozoology is about to be into me. - Cryptozoology 101

6. I look up when I hear the front door slam shut. It’s Baz, of course. - Miniature Fights and Lego Plights

7. Simon Snow looks stunning in a grey kurta. - Ladoos, Lights, and Aunty Frights

8. Penny, Simon and I are sitting at the kitchen table, enjoying our tea, when Shepard rushes into the room. He claps his hands together and begins speaking in a voice far too loud for this hour of the morning. “Alright, team!” he says. - The Corn COBB 🌽

9. Magickal Life Skills class is the worst part of my Monday morning. - Raising a Demon 😈

10. This is the fifth night in a row. It’s not the same every night. - Simon Snow and the Mystery Scones

11. EPISODE ONE: CAKE WEEK [Bird’s-eye view of a large park. The CAMERA zooms in on TWO WOMEN in full battle gear.] - The Great Watford Bake Off

12. “So I’ll spin around,” I say, practicing the motion, “and kick you… here. ” I raise my leg in slow motion and plant my foot onto Baz’s chest, showing him the spot. - Dirty Revenge

13. August 2010, Penny “Don’t forget Raksha Bandhan is next Tuesday,” Mum says. She’s paging through her calendar, a pen caught between her teeth. - For Always

14. I’m at the supermarket with a trolley full of the week’s things when I spot a sign stuck to the glass in the refrigerated aisle. BUTTER - ON SALE NOW! - 5 Times They Weren't Out of Butter

15. Baz is leading warm-ups when I get to swim practice. He’s got everyone standing in a circle, stretching their arms overhead, and he glares at me when I walk into the building. - Personal Best

16. Baz is coming over for the weekend, and it’s the first time we have the flat to ourselves—Penny has kindly decided to vacate the premises for a couple days. - La Petite Mort

17. “3… 2… 1… and, live.” “Hi everyone, it’s your favorite reporter again, Shep, and boy has it been a week! Am I right, or am I right? Okay, so I’m sure by now you have all heard that there’s been some action in the city. Let’s roll the clip.” - Holding Out For A Hero

18. I love Watford. Blade loves Watford. And I wonder for the umpteenth time, why are we even fighting? - Tipping Point

19. I’m trying to get some work done (for once) when Snow comes out of the shower. - Goblins, Among Others

That’s all my Carry On fic (minus Moments from Watford Bakery, since it’s like 4 ficlets in one), so I’ll share the first line from a WIP! Here’s the intro of my Villains fic for crack fest, which I’ll be posting in the next couple days.

20. [Shep POV] I like walking home from work when the weather’s not too bad. I’ve always loved people-watching, and there’s a lot to see in The City—the lights, the sights… and of course the massive screens currently broadcasting the face of the dread supervillain Pitch.

~~~

Hmm, patterns... I think a lot of these tend to be straightforward, just like bare-bones setting the scene. A little boring, but points for clarity, I guess? I’ve noticed that I like jumping straight into the middle of a scene, though -- the only one I’ve had more of an “intro” style opening on is Northern Downpour, where I start with that little vignette. I wrote that as a warm-up, actually, and then figured I’d throw it in since I really thought it set the mood for the fic. I also see a pattern of “I’m doing ___ when _____ happens” ... so maybe I’ll try to branch out of that habit a bit. 😂

I wish I could choose a different favorite, but you all know... it has to be Cryptozoology 101. 😂That is the cleverest shit I’ve ever written. Best opening line, hands down. 😂 I genuinely love the Holding Out For a Hero opening too, it was really fun leaning into the multimedia aspect with the news in that fic. Coincidence that both of those include Shep? I think not.

Taking a look at my other WIPs, they really do follow the same pattern of horribly straightforward opening lines... Here are some of the more completed ones, in order of my plans to post.

Cursed, a Shepard from Omaha Adventure: The demon summoning didn’t work.

Monster Under the Bed Fest fic: “Spell, we need a spell…” Penny’s muttering. She thumbs through a yellowed book, then points her ring at it. “Fine-toothed comb: Sirens!”

Florence fic: For some absurd reason, my friends in Italy call me Basil.

COBB: “Idiot,” I mutter to myself.

Agatha fic: When my feet hit the ground in San Diego, I just feel relief.

#first line #tag game #first line tag #my fic #carry on fic #fanfic #carry on

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bellamygateoldblog · 4 years ago

Note

So, I read a lot of your personal posts and I'm just really curious about you. You seem very stressed out and tired all the time. Are you a college student? Are you just in a financial situation that necessitates that you work all the time? I just feel bad because It seems that you do not absorb joy very much. Like, I have seen that you recently started watching that show The 100. You seem very pissed off about it and yet keep watching it? You confuse and intrigue me. Explain?

"it seems that you do not absorb joy very much" has been playing on my mind ever since i read this. It hit something close to my heart.

I know i’m not obligated to explain anything and i don’t tend to put my life online (i don’t have any social media, so that should give you an idea of how secretive i usually am) but i literally stayed awake for 30 hours straight before sleeping for 15 hours straight and of course i don’t feel very well after that lol. I feel like i need to talk through some things that i’ve been keeping to myself for a long time. Get it out of my head, stop carrying it around, maybe gain some control over it.

I never intend to make anyone feel bad though, but i don’t have anyone to talk to so i guess i sometimes make those posts as a substitute for someone listening. Or for me being pissed about the 100, i think that’s my mood translating into what i end up posting in general.

Anyways this is A Lot. I obviously don’t mind if you read it. Advice would be nice, if anyone has any.

I’m a 2nd year university student. Due to severe mental illness (often making me physically sick and exhausted) these last 2 years have been extremely difficult so that's left me in a very intense situation essentially just trying to ensure i pass the year. That means handing in all the assignments i deferred basically all at the same time, after not attending the year at all. Like no lectures, no workshops, no lessons, nothing past the first month of semester 1. It's really not an ideal situation and my condition isn't improving the way i thought it would (you know when you think ‘this is the worst it can possibly get’ and then it gets worse?), and i can't focus. I’m resourceful and naturally decently smart, so i’m able to still pass a year of uni without...going. I’ve become less capable over time but because of other life experience i don’t place value on academic excellence anymore and because of covid there is a benchmark anyway, where my grade can’t drop below a 2:2, so basically i’m good as long as i don’t recieve a fail grade on anything. But that being said it’s still really hard to get things done anyway despite this? especially with depression and concentration issues, because uni in general just makes me really unhappy and disrupts my entire life, and i’d rather do literally anything else.

I can’t function whenever thinking about school in general. If im stressed about something i can’t think about anything else and it ends up seeping into other things im doing.

I have a really clear idea of what i want for the next step in my life and university is the only route available to get to so that’s why i’m still going through all of this when i could technically just ‘stop’. I’ve explored other ideas already and it appears even more stressful and complicated to make a huge change now. Even though i know 3rd year will be harder (which is also a source of stress, anxiety over what’s to come when im already struggling...).

I've been talking to my uni the whole time and while they've been understanding and accommodating (psychology department...like...they Know lol), there's only so much they can do to help me. Everyone i’ve spoken to is genuienly amazed i am where i am, but imo my resilience is bourne out of pure spite not to let my life fall apart along with myself LMAO. I have one assignment deadline left which is tomorrow. It’s the hardest one yet, i haven’t started and i’m filled with dread, and i’m so burned out i have no idea how i’m going to get it done.

To give some context about the whole ‘i can’t help myself when i’m under stress’ thing: I’m a really feminine girl. I have health and beauty routines that i like to stick to, but i can’t stick to them right now so i don’t feel like myself. There is nothing more to my life than stress and depression. I’m pretty sure i experienced dissociation for a few days last week. It was like i didn’t exist.

Just so happens that when i thought i could finally have a break from the extreme stress there are exams coming up on the 11th, which my uni has for some reason decided to make harder!?!? And i need to tell you that because it’s been bugging me ever since i recieved the email. They've completely changed the exams from being 1 hour long multiple choice tests (multiple choice is so easy smh) to basically a group of short answer questions we have 24 hours (each!) to write and submit and it’s seeming like i’ve got another 5 assignments to do after already writing 7 in the past month. It’s open book while the January exams were closed but it still seems to me like the students who didn’t defer (who did the exams back in January) got an unfair advantage over those of us taking them now due to our own circumstances. So I’m confused and upset about that, and about the thought that i probably won’t even get a break before 3rd year begins.

My living situation doesn’t make it better. It’s a really negative and emotionally draining space for me to be in. Just adding to my being drawn to negativity, and my own sensitivity. And covid has made everything that much more complicated, with everything changing and being closed etc. I’m completely alone btw, there is no one i can lean on.

As for the 100, that’s really tricky. I actually stopped “watching” it last year and now mostly consume it through fandom tumblr. I'm just not in the right headspace to sit alone and watch such a heavy show (clearly LMAO). But I’m so comfortable in this circle of fandom & love my mutuals, so i stay. I am actually liking a lot about the final season, like they’re delivering everything i wanted them to lol, but it’s so flawed and easy to complain about when you have a predisposition to be a Negative Nancy all the time so here we are.

I think i don’t really talk so extensively about shows I really love because i feel like i don’t have anything substancial to say about them besides ‘i love it’? Like i just sit there and happily watch and the farthest i go is commenting gibberish love confessions in the tags of a gifset i reblog. So most of my posts end up being me being petty or something. I do want to focus more on shows i love but like i said...it’s so hard for me sometimes to be all-positive and pretend i’m not completely crushed?

I really just want to not be so stressed and exhausted all the time. I want to do something besides worry about and/or do work. I’d love to clean my space & take a shower & read a book without a nagging anxiety in the back of my head. But i have to wait it out, and then wait it out, and continue waiting it out because it feels like things are going to be this way forever or get even worse.

I’ve had a lot of good luck lately though, and i don’t know what your beliefs are but i think someone is watching over me.

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revelaare · 4 years ago

Text

Shit said in the Crimson Discord & VC, taken out of context part 2, (the sequel)

Big NSFW warning, probably

his meat slid off and then slid right back on

[PRONOUN] can punch me in my uterus and make a hammock out of my ovaries

it’s one of the worst fucking things i’ve ever heard, and i’ve heard someone literally shit their pants

they tagged me and my ass clenched

this man just said “I want to eat ur ass and then kiss you” ok buddy

a man with a plan

my grandpa is texting his hoes from his flip phone

god my lawyer was a hit but idk if she will be the chosen one or not

hello give me your toenails

i'll touch you in a non-weird way

he was in that movie with the people, he was the human.

i want her to brush my hair

If we have dick glasses they have to be of the highest quality for the best experience

i don't wanna watch that white nonsense

i would throat him like a fine wine

these millenials can't live without ac? back in my day we lived on the sun

yall better put those goats on a wheel, tell them to start running

he looks like a bitch

yes or no, u wud punch the light bulb out of thomas edisons wrinkly pruned hand and asked him if he believed in god

still has skin and a working body

i needed to wait until my voice changes

you thought i was snacking on joe biden’s savory meat stick

barack guckin oglizzy, oguckma, barack osugma, Joe choden, OglchnnngggHHHYynnUUUnnghhma

why did i have a dream that i was taking the lid off my car

false gods require wine, real gods require coochiefice

fettucine wet ass pussy

that was all you sent me. the picture of a raccoon and then nothing

it isn’t hate, it is ‘continuously let down by’.

i never went to school who science

i’m gunna go peer pressure my mum into a shot

thank you for furthering my career at hot topic

i will suck the ingrown hair off of him

it has huge jackman in it

i chomped on this eggshell, got my calcium in for the day

i will take you to touch the mango

i want to see all the big things

[PRONOUN] has collar bones so deep you could hook a clothing hanger into it

no asscheeks in fucking family chat you animals

he will eat you alive and suck out your intestines like its a spaghetti noodle

[NAMES]’s Tiggle Biddie’s

dropped acid, cried the whole night.

my stomach is hooping and hollering, i’m about to eat some sleep

you want my throatsac ??

please dont know me as the toenail eater

you have to keep the skin on one side while you eat the other, thats basic mango physics

i mean he is some good sasuage

calm down dick Hannibal

respectfully, what the fuck is this

tbf i only eat my steaks where they need tampons

you committed acts of culinary terrorism

does your refrigerator whimper and cower in the corner when you approach it. that's your fridge trying to use echo location to locate a safe space

thundercuck

i almost met Jesus, I almost got an autograph. Almost got a greatest hits signed album.

respectfully, are you smoking fucking crack?

my left testicle could play better than you

i’ll eat him with ketchup

son of a biscuit eating bulldog!

now it’s back to me sucking, all is right in the world.

holy fuck weasels.

holy fuck, weasels!

why does the bad guy look like the Statue of Liberty?

this is a man that sometimes willingly dresses like a lumberjack

and me, being an emotional cripple, must make jokes about this.

hey my name is [NAME] i'm **definitely** who i say i am

[NAME OR PRONOUN] offered a back massage by calling it the “tickle thing”

i love a man who puts his parents in a nursing home.

my brain is going to take a hot shower

wait have u seen steve harvey's coochie

if it were me i would simply not be pregnant

look im not about to be out here saying i love [NAME OR PRONOUN] feet, but i am about to be out here saying that their feet are some of the nicest feet i've seen in a long time

i named my cloyster renesmee

[NAME] was texting me from the bathtub

you’re pregnant? That’s unfortunate.

do I say dumb shit? Perhaps. Do I take ownership? Perhaps.

i pay for things in blissful ignorance

i am an emotional vagrant

i am an emotional fragrance

to make a long motherfucking story short...

this enchilada tastes like asshole and sadness

you are not an ugly bitch, you’re just a bitch

that’s not a nut shot, buddy.

i’m sad because i sucked the meat off of this pumpkin spice latte

i want to make a blanket out of his eyebrows

what are you disgracing my Christian eyes for?

he be looking at that dick like why does it go so much to the left?

I want her to record an audio book for me so I can fall asleep listening to her voice.

Can I lick you like an ice cream cone? Asking for science.

like you're out to lunch with your bromie and you're eating some rubens or something and you wistfully look over the rim of your sunglasses and just: You ever buss 2 fast

my accent is flaccid

timotay chalamaymay’s sweet ass

on the bright side mcallister’s gave me 3 pickle spears. Almost enough to make a whole pickle.

you think they came from the same mommy pickle?

HIS DOODLE IS OUT

i thot that meant [NAME] wanted to...doodle his noodle

i don’t use commas, i don't respect u enough, fuck ur reading comprehension.

does australia have seasons

i want someone to embalm my body with mcdonalds sprite

his hermione grangina

purrrr my last email

its lore locked beneath 30 layers. u can only understand it if uve had a near death experience

LET'S GET FUCKY

i wanna have the heart of a stoner

his man titties look like little tattooed pillows

SWIGGITY SWOOTY COMIN FOR THAT BOOTY

there were no cheeks to shake. nothing to clap. no noise to be had from her literal slices of wonderbread

u ever just fuck around and ur tits fart

put a lil mint leaf on it for authenticity

alright brother god bless may u be fertile

i feel like im being advocated for something i shouldnt be advocating for

and i am adam with my fat pendulous balls lol

i’m making whuppie with whoopie godberg

theodore tits fart rex

yeah man do u also have the third toe on ur shoulder

the green spaghetti monster is coming for me and i can't blame him

today i learned starfish do not poop

that was nothing compared to some other things I saw

listen I'd willingly watch [NAME/PRONOUN] in a cell for 24 hours. Imagine that sounded less creepy

i'd lick a dirty flip flop off her abs

i’m tempted to show you all the gravity defining boobs, maybe tomorrow

my brain is on vacation

good morning! i ate breakfast and im ready to go to bed

tape the titty in

ive unironically had nightmares with [NAME] in them

the peanut in the auditory canal

so far this feel all comfortable, does this all make sense?

i know it's kind of a schlep to get through

nail polish or no nail polish for the shower?

and then he saw those big tt honkerz... and it all went down hill from there

can y’all stop chanting curses in the chat my furniture is stuck on the ceiling

EH?! CIAO? HELLO??

in Russia this is not ok

i can’t buy pants here on Sunday either

IT'S LIKE TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS TO EAT ON A SOGGY PANCAKE

imagine me going up to [NAME/PRONOUN] and being like i love the way ur flesh smells

in a supermarket. The sickly blue light where humans congregate. Animal human masses. Nameless faces. Whole lives boiled into generalized categories like "asshole who definitely does need 4 boxes of cheerios". Yout hink and realize while stabding in line u didnt grab the bag of frozen peas...but its 2 late

its truly the only picture that gives me pure joy

are weasels real

my work mum just messaged me the phrase "use your booty call wisely" with no context

"let's bring u to the mustache chair"

If you’re not doing coke under the coke sign what is the point?

#⋆ ˚｡⋆˚ meme day #HERE U GO U SINNERS.#THE SEQUEL.

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danieljradcliffe · 4 years ago

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tagged by @lukeskywalkre thank you!! this actually took some thought tbh

1. name 4 fictional characters who showcase your personality the best, with explanations if you want.

lisa simpson - "THE WHOLE DAMN SYSTEM IS WRONG!”

amy santiago (b99) - goal oriented, competitive, ambitious

moira rose (schitt’s creek) - i can be so fucking melodramatic sometimes for no good reason!

ron weasley (hp) - insecure AF but still a solid friend, clever & funny (atleast i think so)

2. aesthetic

thunderstorms, old libraries, red wine stained lips/teeth, hot showers, blasting music on headphones, staying up late, cozy wool sweaters, the city at night

3. favorite musical/play? (If you’ve never seen a musical or play, one you’d be interested in seeing?)

Wicked lmao don’t judge me!!! It holds such a special place in my heart from my teenage years. Also Equus and How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying because I saw Daniel Radcliffe in them in NYC and met him after :’)

4. what is the best compliment you’ve ever received?

why can’t i ever remember positive things people have said to me??? what comes to mind is recently people have told me i’ll make a good social worker which is nice to hear since i am paying thousands of dollars to go to school for it!!! 🙃 and also it’s my dream career and im super passionate about the field

5. how many times have you been in love?

one

6. embarrassing story or fact about yourself that makes you laugh now?

oh god i am so bad at being put on the spot like this... ummmm all that is coming to mind is this one time when my best friend and i were literally 10 YEARS OLD she stood in the locker room after gym and was like ‘im so fat’ and i shoved her aside and was like ‘you’re just saying that for attention! IM actually so fat’ and we always laugh now at how fucking ridiculous that was of us

7. favorite disney/pixar movie?

this is really hard?????? Monster’s Inc came to mind first

8. favorite flower or plant?

Peonies and all succulents

9. what’s your favorite holiday?

can I say my birthday???? or halloween

10. name three things that made you laugh or smile this past week.

on my block, cuckoo, some of the ridiculous stuff my boss at work says

11. what song would you play to introduce yourself to someone?

welcome home - radical face

12. name something that truly makes you feel peaceful even at your most stressed moments.

listening to music and reading to separate myself from the stress by distracting myself with other thoughts!

13. what do you, did you, or would you study at college?

i have a degree in communications and i’m back in school right now getting my bachelor of social work

14. this is kind of a weird one, but which outfit of yours makes you feel most like yourself?

just like black jeans and a jean jacket. i recently got old skool vans i am also obsessed with

15. what is a quote you live by?

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. - desmond tutu

16. name the funniest playlist name you have.

'songs i love more than my own life’

17. make a reference to an inside joke you have with someone you love with zero context.

let’s light a candle

18. what is a message you would give your younger self if given the chance?

don’t take your relationships for granted

19. who is your favorite family member? (If you have no good blood family members, feel free to mention someone in your found family)

my mom AND my sister sorry I’m not choosing just one of em!!

20. what’s a secret dream of yours?

i live in the major city 15 mins away from where i grew up and i wish i could’ve lived somewhere else. even if just for a year or so it would be nice to experience something different.

tagging: @three-drink-amy @maxbegone @leopxld-fitz @danlevys @roguebabyinyourstore @stuck-on-your-heart @imargaery as always absolutely no pressure :) (if anyone sees this and wants to do it i tag you!!)

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jackr4bb1t · 5 years ago

Text

a quiz thingy

?This is seriously going to get personal, you ready? yes

?If you were caught cheating, would you fess up? i wouldn't be cheating. :") but when i was a young dumb kid who did, i immediately confessed ksjdhfkjsdhf

?The last time you felt honestly broken? um idk yesterday or the day before i dont remember when that was because time is all blurring together now

?Are you craving something? yessss

?If you could have one thing right now what would it be? kat

?Would you rather have ten kids, or none? NONE!!!!!!!!!

?What do you hear right now? bf typing and bitching loudly

?Is your bed against more than one of your walls? yes (two)

?What’s on your mind right now? "What's on your mind right now?"

?Are you there for your friends? no :")

?Last person to see you cry? sjdkhfkjsdhfjshdfkjshdfkjh kat :")

?What do you do when you get nervous? uhhhh idk skdjhfkjsdhf I just kinda get really quiet and clammed up B') i dunno how to describe it. and it really depends on the context.

?Be honest, do you like people in general? i think my answer actually might be yes??

?How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? it is absolutely never going to happen under any circumstance

?Does anyone completely understand you? i think my answer actually might be yes??

?Do you have a reason to smile right now? i'm literally smiling right now because kat is saying some dumb shit thats cracking me up as im trying to type this skjdfhksjdfh

?Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you? yeahksjdhsudjfh

?Do you tell your mum or dad everything? ABSOLUTELY NOT LMAO

?Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes? like cigarettes?? yeah idk i find the smell pretty gross so it's definitely something i'd prefer not to have to smell all the time kjsdhfkjdhsf

?Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone uhhhh I SURE HOPE NOT

?This time last year, can you remember who you liked? ksdjfhskjdfh pretty much no one. i was actually mostly single for a couple of years there. for the first time in my life i went completely without any serious romantic interest and focused on myself instead. it was an interesting experience.

?Do you think more about the past, present, or future? definitely future skjdhfjkshdf i hardly ever think about the past or even the present

?How many hours of sleep do you get a night? thankfully most nights i get a solid 7-8. sometimes i'll only get like 5. but other nights i'll get like 10. the majority of the time though, it's in the 7-8 range.

?Are you easy to get along with? yes

?Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? no

?What was the last drink that you put in your mouth? water

?What size bed do you have? queen

?Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? before wtf

?Do you like the rain? yes as long as i'm not in it kjsdhfjdf. (but i'm fine being in it if it's light.)

?Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? in this exact moment genuinely no skjdhfjhd (unless by some brief passing coincidence)

?Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do lots ksjdhfj

?Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither? probably neither? i think/hope?

?Who were you last in the car with, besides family? uhhHHHhhhhhHH JIM

?What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who? CATS WITH KAT OR MAYBE IT WAS SONIC???? i cant remember which order we saw those in skdjfhkjsdfh

?Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend? i'm actually pretty sure the answer to this is no so like sjdfksjdhfj wow yay i did it

?Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you? yep

?Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party? jsdkhfkjsd no, i never did any such thing. although i would have people over that i wasn't supposed to.

?Do you regret a past relationship? all of them

?Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party? why are those my only options -sobs- IT DEPENDS ON MY MOOD SKJDHFJKSDHF I GUESS I'LL PICK THE CONCERT CUZ IT SEEMS LESS SOCIAL B'D AND I AM SURE THERE ARE QUITE A FEW BANDS/SINGERS THAT WOULD BE REALLY COOL TO SEE LIVE.

?Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over? i definitely used to ksjdhfkjdshf and i was barking up the wrong tree the entire time

?Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry? I really hope not skjdfhsjdkfh I've never been the "roasting" type idk sdjfh I've never really like... poked fun at people idk that type of humour has never really been funny to me? idk how to word what i'm trying to say ksjdfhjsdfh basically I just don't really ever make jokes about people because I don't find that type of humour to be entertaining.

?Do you care too much about your appearance? i care about it a LOT less than i used to but i still hate myself kjsdfhgkjfdg so i suppose that is an indication that i care too much

?Are you a jealous person? romantically? yes. literally any other context? no

?Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? no

?Do you miss anyone? yes :(

?Last person who made you cry? uhhhhhh

?Does your ex piss you off? no skjdfhsjkd

?What are you doing tomorrow? just some stupid bullshit chores/errands/etc. woo hoooo.

?Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week? lmao no (although i was sorta like that in high school sdlkfjhksdjfh)

?Is there anyone you want to come see you? yes

?Have you ever been cheated on? yes

?Ever given your all to someone who walked away? not really

?Do you like cotton candy? yes as a treat

?Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with? kat

?Do you have siblings? yes

?Have you ever fallen asleep on someone? yes

?How has the past week been for you? hell

?Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? i dont really have friends of any sex except for my partner and we are the same sex sex sex sex sex GAY GAY GAY

?What’s on your mind right now? SEX SEX SEX GAY GAY GAY SEX GAY SEX GAY SEX

?What were you doing at midnight last night? IDK PROBABLY CRYYIINGGG oh wait i was at work skdjfhskjfh waiting for jim to be ready to leave he always stays til exactly midnight unlike most people who will leave around 1158 sdkjfhskdjfh HE HAS TO FOLLOW THE RULLLESSS but i don't mind cuz he's giving me a ride which is cool so i don't mind to wait the extra minutes til midnight B) i mean, i am getting paid to be there sooo.

?What is your current mood? NEEDY

?Who was the first person you talked to today? KAT

?Will this week be a good one? YEAH WE'RE GETTING OUR SHIT TOGETHER

?Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? I'm sure there are things that have happened B')

?Who were you with last night kathel who was horrifying me as i was half asleep. talking at length about how hes gonna get a garfield tramp stamp. -sobs.- i fell asleep to that.

?Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? LMAO BITCH WHAT DID I JUST SAY. YOU STUPID???

?Next time you will kiss someone hopefully not too much longerrrr B(

?Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy? wowza

?Do you have any plans for the weekend? it's monday you fucking whore, i hardly have a plan for what i'm doing in this current present moment let alone several days from now

oh the quiz is over now

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teawiththegods · 5 years ago

Note

SS1: Sorry this is not related to religion or anything. I'm kinda struggling with my sexuality. I used to be so sure I liked girls. e.g when i went to my friends 18th last year, there was this girl there and holy lord. She was, is, the most beautiful human being I have ever seen in the entirety of my brief existence. I cannot even begin to describe, english does not have words adequate enough to tell of her beauty. So when spin the bottle began, i was like, lord pls. ok this is a bit long sorry

SS2: ok we back, sorry, i just have a lot of feels atm. I hope this is ok. Sorry. Where was I, spin the bottle. I literally have never wanted to kiss and hug and love someone more in my brief life so I was in. I also was so fkn afraid oml! Again, cannot describe the fear. SO the bottle spins a few times and it doesnt hit me, or her, its everyone else. i am just there, stock still and so afraid, cause I have never kissed anyone or been kissed, let alone by someone so divine! and then I spun it an SS3: and it landed on her. and i stg i had a heart attack or an outer body experience. and she could see i was hesitant so could my friends (I feel like i should clarify it was a few girls and one guy, and I am a girl so this is new territory for me) but they asked me if i had every kissed anyone and I was like no cause twas the truth and my mumma didnt raise no liar. But i was just frozen in my spot looking at her like a dumbass cause she was so mcfreakin beautiful and so she was like SS4?: she was like how about you kiss my cheek. So i did and oml, she was so soft and her eyes are so beautiful and yeah. and then i spun the bottle again and it landed on another girl and so i kissed her cheek and then stuff and 100% regret, not kissing her like deep deep regret but at the same time, ya girl was aboutta have a full on anxiety attack, not hyperbole, like my breath was fkn gone. but still big big regret and at this point your probably like, well there is your answer however SS5 (im sorry this is so long but i have no one to talk to about this and i cant get it off my mind tonight): However, (context, i came out as bi a few years ago) My parents sat me down and were like "Are you really bi because aside from dropping the term, ha gay, or, thats how i knew i was bi, here and there, you don't talk or express this." and i couldn't speak. I felt like I had become totally mute. I wanted to say bisexuality was a spectrum and that yeah, maybe i like lots of dudes but i was SS6: (SO SORRY!!!) but i was so sure that i liked girls. and they took my silence as proof and I couldn't say anything. I had nothing so they were like, "you cant pretend, it doesn't end well" and I was like ye, i know thanks except i couldnt talk so i sat there like a dumbass just agreeing with what they said cause i made sense, and it does make sense. my mum said "you can have huggy touchy relationships with girls without it being sexual or romantic" which made sense. but at the same time, i SS7: (Yikes this is long im so sorry), I can guarantee you, the way i wanted to worship that girl was romantic af. I didn't want to talk boys or converse over common interest and that be all. For the hour or so that I talked to her till the moment, she curled up in my lap (twas a party, she was drunk and i wasn't going to do anything cross my heart hope to die also i a lot of person and I sort of think we had a thing but idk again she was drunk so all kinda nullified). In the hour or so i talke SS8: Sorry, as i was talking to her that night. I kinda rlly wanted to ask her out on a date. I wanted to spoil her, learn beside. Like she cooks and like real health food stuff, and she is so beautiful. I almost got cooking lessons from her but we're both so busy. Her passion is just so beautiful. I want to take her on picnics, hug her, forehead kiss her, I wanted to shower her in rose petals, buy her flowers, I wanted to have late night talks with her and know her ins and outs. We talk a while SSLastoneipromise: we talked a while after the party but, not anymore, I still follow her on instagram but, she's so far away and things are how things are sometimes and i get that. but my point is. She makes me question my questioning. Like was i right the first? Why can't I talk about it when it's important? like I know, 100%, that i was and am attracted to her, with feelings i do not have for my friends. I am frustrated and just want to know what is going on in my head! does that make sense? SSiknowisaidthelastonewastheLASTonebutitsthisone: i feel like i should mention that its not just her there are other women, i find attractive. i am just so sick of questioning and i am tired (sorry i am slightly sleep deprived which is why i am being a wanker) and I just want to exist as is and it not be a thing. like... does it matter if don't like tons and tons of girls, does it matter that is just one here and there that just blows me away

Just because you don’t or can’t talk about it doesn’t negate your feelings or your sexuality. Like I couldn’t talk about my abusive relationship for awhile so does that mean I wasn’t abused? I don’t talk about being a Hellenic Polytheist most of the times, does that mean I’m not one? No it doesn’t and the same applies to your bisexuality.

You are what you say you are. You said you felt so sure you were bisexual so that means you’re bisexual. No one else has the right to tell you who you are or to make you question what you know to be true in your heart.

And you def can’t go by straight people or really anyone who isn’t bisexual, because there’s so many misconceptions on what bisexuality is and how its expressed, biphobia, and bi erasure that majority of the time non bisexuals have no fucking idea what they are even talking about. So don’t even listen to their nonsense.

If the label of bisexuality resonates with you then claim it. It’s yours.

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horansqueen · 7 years ago

Text

A.M. Conversations : chapter 3

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -this may look like a love triangle but ill do my best not to turn it into one. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -read it on 1dff HERE (if you review ily so much) -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST. -please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2

Chapter 3 : Her chapter

Olivia

I moved on the couch slightly, trying to focus on the movie but in all honesty, all I could think about was Harry's text message. The truth was, I had no idea what I was going to answer him. I wanted to see him, it's true, but spending time with Niall was my priority. I glanced at him but he was too absorbed by the movie to notice it. Slowly, I moved closer to cuddle him and he brought his arm that was laying on the couch to wrap around my shoulders. It was out of habit, I knew it, but I enjoyed it anyway.

I pressed the side of my face on his shoulder and closed my eyes for a few seconds. I had no idea how he could smell so good all the time but I was not going to complain. I moved my legs slightly over his thigh under the blanket and this time, it caught his attention.

"You've never heard of personal space, did you?"

I chuckled and tried to press myself even more against him just to annoy him. He groaned and it made me laugh before to grab his face and crush my lips on his cheek grossly. He playfully pushed me away and wiped his cheek, making me laugh even more.

"I'm part of your personal space, Horan!"

He turned his face my way and raised his eyebrows as he stared at me.

"Oh yea?"

"Oh yea!"

I looked at him daringly and we remained motionless for a few seconds before he literally jumped on me. I fell on my back on the couch as he moved over me, holding my wrists with his hands to keep me from moving.

"Let me invade your personal space then!"

I let out a scream as i tried to get out of his grip, seeing his face getting closer. He stuck his tongue out and i started squirming harder beneath him, knowing exactly what he had in mind.

"Not the tongue, no!" I let out loud enough. "Please Niall!"

My pleas didn't stop him and he finally reached my face, sliding his tongue all over my cheek. He started laughing when I screamed again, wiggling even more before letting me go. I quickly wiped my face the way he had a few minutes ago and slapped his arm gently.

"You are disgusting!"

He laughed more and shook his head, moving away from me to let me sit back up. Without any shame, I got closer to him again to cuddle him. He didn't complain and I pressed my nose on his neck, once again enjoying his soap scented skin. I hated it as much as I liked it. Sometimes, to be close to him was torture, but it's as if I actually loved hurting.

My phone went off again, probably to pull me out of my agony, and I heard Niall sigh low next to me. I grabbed my phone and saw an instagram notification.

"Harry Styles has tagged you in a picture?"

I turned to look at my best friend's annoyed face, staring at my phone, but quickly moved my attention back to my screen, clicking on the link. The picture was actually Harry and I on the tour bus, engaged in a pillow fight. I heard Niall scoff and quickly liked the picture before opening my text messages.

‘When are you free this week?’

I hit send but when I turned back to my best friend, he was frowning.

"This week? Already?" he said a bit harshly. "You saw him two days ago."

I kept looking at him for a few seconds until he raised his eyebrows at me, expecting an answer. The truth was, I wanted to spend all my time with Niall, but I also wanted to see what could happen with Harry. I cleared my throat and shrugged, slowly putting my phone away before moving on the couch, trying to find a comfortable position.

"Yea I mean, we get along good."

I tried to be nonchalant about it but I was anything but calm. I didn't know if it was Niall's reaction that made me nervous or the thought of hanging out with Harry but I tried to avoid my best friend's eyes as much as I could.

"Liv, listen to me." My heart skipped a beat but i breathed in and turned to dive my eyes in his. "I'm scared you're gonna get hurt."

His words seemed genuine but they hurt more than I wanted to admit. Was it because he thought I was not interesting enough to get Harry to like me or because I sort of wish the real reason he didn't want me to hang out with Harry was out of jealousy? Or maybe a bit of both...

"Why? Because I'm not pretty enough to hold Harry's attention? I'm not a model? Or a famous singer?"

I didn't even try to make it sound like I was joking. I was upset and hurt and with the look I was sending him, he definitely knew it.

"No!" he let out with a frown. "That's definitely not what I meant!"

I sighed loud and closed my eyes, letting myself lean on the couch. I knew I was the one thinking my own words and doubting myself, but it felt good to know my own best friend didn't think the same.

"It's just... I know Harry, you know?"

I couldn't fight against this argument, I clearly didn't know Harry as well as he did and obviously not in the same context. Still, I saw Harry as a genuine person and I didn't want to see him as anything else but good. I nod slightly and look down before shrugging slightly. I knew I shouldn't keep my hopes up but I did it despite myself.

"I know he's probably just nice to me because he's a nice person, not because he likes me." I shut my eyes tight, trying to keep my feelings inside. "I mean, he can have anyone right? So there's no reason to want an average nobody like me!"

I scoffed and shook my head, rubbing my eyes roughly and moving slightly away from him. It seemed like the truth behind my own words had just hit me.

"Liv, please, that's not what I said." Niall argued again with a sigh. "But Harry is the kind of person who makes everyone feel special."

I didn't give him time to add anything and just got up, pulling on my shirt and avoiding his eyes, although i knew he was desperately trying to get my attention.

"I need a shower." I just said, walking to the stairs.

I heard him sigh but he followed me upstairs and when i was about to get in the bathroom, he put both his hands on my shoulders and bifurcated in an other direction. I followed him despite myself, trying not to trip, as he walked in the room. He stopped in front of a large mirror and stood behind me. I glanced at his reflection, diving my eyes into his for a second before to close my eyes.

"What now, Niall."

"Open your eyes." he ordered before his voice got softer. "Please."

With a sigh, i finally did what he asked and stared at myself. My hair was a mess an d i suddenly felt very conscious about my thighs and hips since I was only wearing a t-shirt.

"Do you see what I see?"

I grimaced and groaned low.

"I hope you don't see what I see, because what I see is not a good sight."

His hands slipped gently from my shoulders to my arms and he moved closer, so close I could feel the warmth of his body against mine. His fingertips running on my skin made me shiver but I tried to suppress it, slightly scared he'd notice it.

"You don't even think you're pretty?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

I scoffed again and rolled my eyes. Has he just met me? His hands moved to my waist, barely touching me, but for some strange reason, i was well aware of them being so close to my body.

"Niall, you know i'm quite average." I mentioned, looking at him in the mirror this time. "I'm okay with that I guess, I just hate looking at myself half-naked in a mirror."

At my words, he gripped the sides of my shirt with both his hands and i held my breath. His eyes met mine in the reflection and we stared at each other way too long as his fists pressed against my waist, pulling on the fabric of my shirt and molding my chest slightly more. It bothered me to see myself like that but i liked the closeness of his body way too much to say anything.

"You're beautiful, Liv."

I swallowed hard at his words, trying to hold back the tears inside. I wasn't sure if I wanted to cry because of his words, or because I clearly couldn't see it, or even maybe because I thought he was lying, but it didn't matter. My feelings were all over the place and I could barely recognize myself anymore.

I felt his fingers loosen the grip on my shirt and brush against me again and I had to swallow again, but for a different reason this time. As much as I liked joking with Niall about not wanting to kiss him, or being grossed out by the thought of touching his genitals, I knew I was lying to myself. A big, fat and horrible lie that made me survive through so many years of simple but deep friendship. A lie that I had such a hard time to keep running and believing in. That was why I needed to see Harry and find out if he was interested or just being nice, because being around Niall was harder every day, and that's something that was just hitting me at this exact moment, now that he was staring seriously and fondly at me, his body close to mine. Those months we spent together on tour had brought us even closer, even if i didn't think it was possible and everything I didn't have with him was not even more obvious.

"Do you really think so?"

I kept my voice low, almost inaudible, because I knew talking louder would betray me, I knew my voice would break. His face became even more serious and he finally nodded.

"Yes, I really think so." he pointed out firmly. "You're beautiful."

The fact that he repeated it put emphasis on his words and once again I had to swallow. This time, it was a lump stuck in my throat. I felt his fingers slip on my sides, touching my hips lightly and I could sweat I saw him shiver. It made my eyes open wider but I tried to get back to my senses. I had imagined that.

"And if Harry is not an idiot, he will see it too and give you two a chance."

What about you, Horan? Are you an idiot?

Those words echoed in my head but i didn't have the guts to let them out. Just thinking about how things would change between us made my heart ache. No, I didn't love Niall, not this way. I liked Harry. I had feelings for Harry Styles and that was it.

I cleared my throat and sent a smile to his reflection, mouthing a 'thank you'. He smiled back and slapped my ass, making me jump and let out a short scream.

"Come on, we have a movie to watch!"

"Hey, that hurt, Horan!" I let out, looking at him with raised eyebrows.

It made him laugh, throwing his head back and I ran after him, jumping on his back. He lost his balance but managed to make us fall on the bed. We laughed more as I rolled away from him, against the pillow. That was it, the serious but slightly awkward moment was over but it made me realize that we had more and more of these and I wasn't sure how I felt about them.

We heard his phone ring and we both got up with a sigh, pulling on out shirts. I followed him downstairs and he checked his text messages, his facial expression suddenly changing, but i couldn't decipher what it meant and it bothered me.

"Who was that?"

Niall glanced at me and shrugged but the way he avoided my eyes was bothering me.

"You remember Heidi?"

If I remembered Heidi? Long dark hair, even longer legs and an evil smile? I can never forget about her. She loved no one else more than herself, which in itself, is not a bad thing, but she also thought everyone else should love her the most, which made her the most annoying person I had ever met.

"Yea, what about her?"

He shrugged again, still not meeting my eyes. That was bad, that was very very bad.

"She's around town, she wants us to meet."

I swallowed to push down the lump in my throat but it didn't work, it was still there. In Niall's world, "to meet" meant "to fuck" and i felt my heart twist in my chest.

You're beautiful Liv, but in a few hours im gonna bury my dick deep in an other girl's pussy because all you are to me is a friend.

I shook my head at this thought and rolled my eyes. I never liked her but at this exact moment, It's a feeling of hatred that was running inside me. I tried not to let it show and shrugged like him.

"Are you gonna see her?"

It took him a few seconds to answer me and I watched him type quickly on his phone, feeling my heart twist in my chest.

"Mm?" he started before to look up in my eyes. "Oh, yea, we're gonna go to a bar tonight. Wanna come with?"

I was surprised he was inviting me but in the end, I knew he was gonna end up spending the night with her and that thought made me want to throw up. I managed to pretend I didn't care and shrugged again but before I could answer anything, he kept talking.

"You should invite Harry, too."

A few minutes ago, he was telling me Harry was gonna hurt me and now, he was proposing us to hang out. I was a bit confused by his behavior but I just let out a sigh that he didn't notice.

"Alright, i'll text him."

I was glad Harry had agreed to come with us because being around Heidi and Niall was seriously painful. Watching them interact made my heart twist, shake and shatter in my chest, over and over again. She laughed too loud at anything remotely funny he said and took advantage of every chance she had to touch him. I saw her flirting with him and it made me realize that I had no idea how to flirt. I literally sucked at it.

Harry came back with a drink for me and I tilted my head, sending him a smile. I was grateful he was there to make me smile. The table was not big but Niall and Heidi acted like we weren't there and it made me wonder why Niall invited me in first place.

"Are they always like that?"

I hadn't seen Heidi many times, just enough to be aware of my best friend's reciprocal attraction for her, and it was already too much. Harry laughed next to me, his dimple popping out, before diving his eyes into mine.

"Yea, pretty much."

I groaned and grimaced despite myself.

"Did they fuck often?"

I was not the type of person to be vague, i liked when things were clear and by then, I was pretty sure Harry was well aware of that. Still, he laughed again at my forwardness.

"I'd say.. once every other month? Maybe more?"

I raised my nose in disgust, staring at my best friend as he whispered something in Heidi's ear, making her burst into an exaggerated laughter again.

"Does it bother you?"

I turned to Harry to deny his accusation but when my eyes meet his, he's smirking and I admire the way his lips curled, digging that amazing dimple that I can't help but always notice.

"Why would it bother me?" i simply ask with a shrug.

"I don't know, you seem jealous." he teased me again, hitting my shoulder gently with his.

"Me? Jealous of long-legged barbie?" I scoffed, knowing I was anything but credible and it made him chuckle.

I laughed with him and let my head fall down with a smile, totally defeated. I couldn't hide this feeling, at least not to Harry.

"Yea, maybe a little." I finally admitted, looking back up at him with a guilty expression. "I know I'm not a star or a famous actress and even if it's not legit, it makes me fear he's gonna forget about me, someday."

I had talked low enough, just to make sure Niall wouldn't hear me, but I knew my insecurities were not based on anything. Niall had proved many times he would always keep me in his life. The problem was, this fear, even if not rational, was still alive and very tough to control.

Harry and I looked at each other for a few seconds before he finally grabbed his glass, drinking what was left in it and putting it back roughly on the table. I glanced at Niall who didn't even notice before turning my attention back to Harry.

"Okay, let's go to the dance floor!"

I chuckled and quickly shook my head, sending him a confused look.

"I can't dance, trust me. You don't want to be seen on a dance floor with me!"

He bent down a bit, moving his face closer to mine, and it made my heart jump inside my chest. Even from so close, Harry didn't have any physical flaw and i let my eyes roam on his face. He probably noticed because his lips curled, making me lick mine.

"I'll lead, come on."

I let him take my hand and pull me to the dance floor but as he started moving, I realized his moves were very random and i laughed. He pulled on my arm again and made me twirl, bringing an even bigger smile on my lips. I felt my whole body burn when it pressed against his and the feeling of his hands slipping on my waist brought a sensation of lust running all over my body. He leaned closer to me, so close I could feel his warm breath on my neck.

"I knew you could dance."

The tone of his voice made me quiver and I whimpered low, hoping he didn't hear anything and closing my eyes. His arm moved around my waist and brought me closer as his lips brushed on the skin of my neck. I didn't know why he was doing that but I didn't care. I really liked it, way more than I should. Niall's words came back to my mind suddenly, taking me out of my fairytale, and my eyes opened wide and quickly.

"I want an other drink."

I slipped out of his arms and got back to the table, grabbing the pitcher and pouring myself a glass. I was waiting for Niall to make a comment about me drinking beer but he didn't and I knew it was probably because he was not paying attention to me at all, too focused on the girl he was going to spend the night with.

Harry sat next to me, his hand sliding gently on my back before moving to grab himself a drink too. I felt bad and if I wanted to be honest, I was not sure exactly why. I swallow my drink a bit too fast and quickly poured myself an other one.

"You alright?"

I didn't dare to look at Harry and simply nodded. What was wrong with me? I wanted this, I wanted to be closer to Harry. I wanted to find out if something could happen between us. Niall's warning shouldn't get to my head, right? It shouldn't stop me from letting Harry in. My eyes moved up to look at him and he quickly looked away. Was Niall staring at me? It was probably just in my head. Perhaps, the alcohol was getting the best of me and making me see things. Niall was way too absorbed by Heidi to give me attention. That thought made my heart twist in my chest and i tried to swallow the sadness. Without thinking, I got up and sighed.

"I need something stronger."

#niall horan #niall horan story #niall horan writing #harry styles #harry styles story #harry styles writing #my fanfics #idk what i think about this chapter #its a bit meh

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synthfolks · 6 years ago

Note

do all of them for the ask meme :-)

this is going under a read more ahsjglw

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

usually closed.. i dont have a closet at my mom’s and the light’s on automatically if it’s open at my dad’s

2. do you have freckles?

yeah!! u can’t see them as much as usual tho cus i’ve been wearing moisturizer w spf in it this summer and makeup someof the time but naturally i get a lot

3. can you whistle?

yes

4. last song you listened to?

cellphone’s dead by beck (i have the gorillaz pandora station on at work rn okay)

5. what is your favorite color?

various shades of blue

6. relationship status

taken!

7. what is the temperature rn?

63 degrees.. it’s night

8. did you wake up cranky?

i don’t think so?

9. how many followers?

1458 (most i got several years ago and probs aren’t active)

10. zodiac sign

gemini sun… aries moon cancer rising

11. what is your eye color?

turquoise

12. take a vitamin daily?

i used to take a ton of supplements but now i just take my meds

13. do you sing in the shower?

sometimes not usually

14. what books are u reading?

i just finished the miseducation of cameron post and am sorta between books rn

15. grab the nearest book to you, turn to page 64, give me line 14

“old peace there, and something in the air that smelled like”

16. favorite anime

who do u think i am

17. last person you cried in front of?

i think my grandparents but possibly my mom

18. do you collect anything?

i hoard like, everything but i don’t rly consciously collect anything. maybe cd’s and i used to collect gems/rocks

19. what did you have for lunch?

i didn’t rly have lunch i had eggs for breakfast and tacos for dinner

20. do you dance in the car

yeah sometimes?

21. favorite animal?

not to be boring but like…dogs

22. do you watch the olympics?

some events yeah

23. what time do u usually go to bed?

like 1-ish

24. are you wearing makeup right now?

25. do you prefer to swim in a pool or the ocean?

the ocean!! im not super into swimming in itself like it’s fine but i loove swimming in natural bodies of water i could stay in the ocean and lakes and rivers forever

26. favorite tumblr blog?

climbsbian.tumblr.com

27. bottled water or tap water?

ooh boy .. tap water

28. what makes u happy?

my friends and my gf!

29. post a gif of what ur currently feeling right now

im on my laptop and not gonna bother searching for one

30. do you study better with or without music?

usually with, or like some sort of background noise but if im using spotify or smthing ill get distracted on the app itself

31. dogs or cats?

dogs cus i was raised with them but i like cats too!!

32. if you were a crayon what color would you be?

idk crayon colors uh something gay or a sexy shade of blue

33. playstation or xbox

we own an xbox but i seriously don’t care

34. would you swim in the lake or ocean?

absolutely

35. do you believe in magic?

in a sense

36. what color shirt are you wearing?

brown and blue

37. can you curl your tongue?

ya and i can do the w thing too

38. do you save money or spend it?

this is such a weird question iike i try to save money but i end up spending a lot on gas and food and random shit (like CD’s and clothes)

39. is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

the package for the chocolate covered sunflower seeds im eating, the strap of a childrens climbing shoe and some random hot pink paper peeking out of a binder

40. do you have an obsessions right now?

excluding the OCD sense of the word i don’t think so really

41. have u ever caught a butterfly?

i’ve had them land on me!

42. are u easily influenced by other people

yessss :/

43. do you have strange dreams?

usually yeah

44. do you like going on airplanes?

i mean they’re fine

45. name one movie that made you cry?

i can’t think of anything specific rn but i’ve cried at any movie with like an animal death

46. peanuts or sunflowers seeds

i used to not like sunflower seeds but im eating them rn and theyre good in certain contexts, but peanut butter’s better if we count that

47. if i handed you a concert ticket right now who would you want the performed to be?

gorillaz but only if @sashs got one also

48. are u a picky eater?

nope!

49. are u a heavy sleeper?

not really

50. do you fear thunder/lightning?

in an abstract sense but i’ve never rly gotten actually scared in a sitaution

51. do you like to read/write

yeah i do but i’ve been bad abt it i wanna read more again

52. do you like ur music loud?

sometimes yes and i like it loud in my car and i don’t mind loud music at loud events/concerts n stuff but honeslty if i have it loud in my headphones or whne im playing stuff out loud i get stressed cus im very hypervigilant and it’s hard for me to process audio when there’s other stuff

53. would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents?

carve pumpkins

54. put your music on shuffle what is the first song that came up

kill the director- the wombats

55. what season are you in right now? (weather)

it’s summer babey!

56. what are you craving right now?

a cold can of enlighten mint yerba mate. also gf

57. post a screenshot of your tumblr feed

????

58. what is your gender?

lesbian (yes i know it says gender)

59. coffee or tea?

coffee but tea’s good too!!

60. do you have any homework right now?

i probs have summer assignments but i havent seen what they are yet

61. what is your sexuality?

lesbian

62. do you make ur bed in the morning?

not regularly

64. favorite social media?

tumblr unfortunately

65. what’s ur opinion on instagram stories?

they’re fine i like watching them but they can also get rly weird n fake sometimes, which isn’t a result of the stories themselves but the culture built around them

66. do you get homesick?

not rly but ill miss specific ppl and get nostalgic for old places and old places i used to live

67.are u a virgin?

68. what shampoo and conditioner are you using right now?

whatever shampoo’s onhand and tresemmes moisture something conditionter cus it’s the only thing that detangles my damaged hair

69. if you were far from home and needed to sleep for the night woudl you choose to rent a crappy motel room for $60 or sleep in your car for free?

depends where and how hot it is, if it’s cold ill get a room but if im in a safe enough place and it’s not freezing im fine w sleeping inmy car. im a climber

70. are both of your blood parents still in your life?

yeah

71. what’s the next movie you want to see in theaters?

infinity war if it’s still playing, otherwise idk mamma mia or mission impossible? idk what’s in theaters rn

72. do you miss ur ex?

i think about them a lot but i don’t think i miss them.

73. what is your favorite quote rn?

uhh idk

74. what eye color do you find sexiest?

idk brown?

75. did you like swinging as a child? do you still get excited when you see a swingset?

yes and yes

76. what was the last thing u ate?

carrot and hummus

77. what games do you have on your phone?

i used to have way more but i deleted most of them on my old phone cus of space and most of the ones i actually played were on my ipad, uh smash hit, 2048, white tiles, solitaire, minesweeper, line bubble, lovestruck

78. would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? why or why not?

uhh yes ? bc homeless ppl still deserve to .. live???

79. been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

yeah

80. stalked someone on a social network

not like actual stalking but looking through the way everyone does sometimes yeah

81. do you like meeting new ppl?

yeah!

82. do you wear rings?

83. do you sleep with ur bedroom door open or closed?

closed

84. what are three things you did today?

went to work that’s where i am right now and there i also:

played ping pong w a child

watched a dog named dyno

85. what do you wear to bed?

usually a big t shirt and underwear, or pajama bottoms and a tank top

86. list all of your different beauty products you have rn

uh i’ve been wearing moisturzier from trader joes, lorac foundation and this light powder stuff from this organic brand my aunt works for, and mascara sometimes and then various chapstick. i have more makeup like eyeliner and eyeshadow, blush and lip products but im not gonna list all that

87. are u a day or night person

depends

88. list all of your video games

im not gonna bother

89. tell me about a dream you had and when it happened

i keep wanting to tell ppl about my dreams lately and then forgetting them so all the only thing that’s coming to mind are the recurring tsunami dreams i get. my dreams often involve like challenges and are very controlled and systematic and incoroporate parts of my life and ppl but im boring and can’t rememebr anything rn

90. favorite soda drink

ginger beer

91. what sounds are your favorite?

idk musical sounds? water?

92. do you wear jeans or sweats more?

i don’t wear sweats v often i usually wear pants that aren’t jeans

93. how do you look right now?

fine my hair;s nice rn and wavy and i like my outfit but i hate my face rn

94. name something that relaxes you

climbing

95. what tattoo do you want?

i want mountains and some climbing related stuff, and i want a floral pattern on my thighs when they’re healed enough. also a heart or smth gay and small on my hip

96. favorite youtuber

i don’t rly watch youtubers (i used to but was nvr that into it) maybe chris fleming and i like the wondrous life of caleb gallo

#clashbian #ask meme #asks

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irregulardiaryposts · 3 years ago

Text

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

#why does tumblr break up the paragraphs like this #there isnt supposed to be paragraphs #maybe i should change that #anyway off to fix all my post so far and tag the all like ->#june 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

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harryff · 7 years ago

Text

Chapter four Bellina. Part One.

The next month it was Emiliano’s birthday and there was no other place to have a large party but Ibiza. Emiliano chose the Hacienda Na Xamena to stay in. He invited a few close friends both from the celebrity world and his personal world. These days he was a mini socialite so the cameras followed him around sometimes depending on who he hangs out with. Bellina and Harry still hadn't talked only exchanging a few words between each other, she wanted to ask him what was wrong but she knew and she wasn't going to let his ego make her feel guilty. When they arrived it was Bellina and Emiliano first followed by Harry and his friends who were invited months before the tension.

After Harry arrived, he longed to see her, but he wouldn't admit it to himself. After his much needed nap he invited everyone over to kick off the celebration. Bellina was hesitant to go if it wasn't for Emiliano threatening to pick her up and carry her over his shoulder and drop her on Harry's lap, he felt they were both being silly and they needed to just talk about it.

They walked in Bellina trailing far behind as possible Emiliano introduced his other friends to each other Bellina stood to the side she wore white jeans and a black bandeau with black red bottoms, she picked a seat that hid her view from Harry's perspective. There she sat distracted by her phone, not paying any attention to what was going on.

Harry frustrated texted her. She had greeted him when she walked in, and completely ignored the empty space near him

Harry: could you come here please

She sighed when she saw the text this was beginning to become emotionally draining.Waiting 10 minutes she finally approached him

“Yes?” she stood arms length away looking down at him

“Come’ere” he said grabbing her hand pulling her down to sit next to him.Immediately after there was an extremely awkward mood between the two. But bellina didn’t like that she wanted things to be ok so looking down at his hands she slinked her hand into his. She played with his rings. He leaned over and kissed her cheek. There wasn’t any conversation between them except him putting his arm around her and her playing with his rings.

As always Emiliano had to have a dance. “Darling” he said holding out his hand

“Yes” she smiled grabbing it.

“A dance shall we?”

“Yes”

The finished and stood in the middle of the room talking

“So Bell what would you get for your birthday, birthday sex or spanks?”

“Why can't you have both?” she challenged

“Oooh hmmm”

She turned to face his boyfriend “he can have both right?”

Mike nodded in response

“I just brokered for you, I want a million dollars” some people laughed

Emiliano blushed “I don't know why i didn't think about it like that”

With a sly grin she said “the question for you now is do you want your spanks by the hand, the paddle, the belt, or the whip?” she said making whipping noise

“Hmmm that's hard, what do you recommend?”

“Well the whip is like acute intense pain cuz its skinny so where it lands obviously will hurt a lot. Then the paddle and belt are in between. The hand is more personable he can squeeze, grab” she raised her brows twice “oooh massage tease hmm? sounds good right”

“You sound like you're into this” he teased

She made a face “Uh i don't know about that” she said before laughing

“Into some kink are we?” he said nudging her shoulders

“I'll never tell,”

“But you can tell me they don’t have to know”

Harry listened very carefully although they had discussed sex this was a topic they had yet to discuss.

She shook her head before saying “But did you know that there's an anatomy to spanking i found on tumblr. Tumblr is dirty”

“Oh yes you showed me, do you guys know?” he asked the room the men looked confused and shook their head “You should find out right Bell?”

“Yes you should add some spice to the relationship” she blushed

“Anyway show of hands ladies and gentleman who says daddy when fucking” Emiliano asked the room. The girls around the room sheepishly raised their hands if not their boyfriends did for them. However Bell did not.

He raised his brow “Bell are you telling a lie?”

“I don't like daddy it's just weird and my mind always goes there...” she made a disgusted face “it's just no a no go for me, might say papi even that doesn’t work, cuz i feel like daddy is like take control but like in a fun flirty way and then it's just weird cuz then it's like the voice you use shouldn't utter those words. But” she smiled

“What?” he said noticing her grin

“I prefer master?” she said unsure

Emiliano’s eyes got big “really? we are delving into the BDSM world”

Harry really started to pay attention, he instantly got hard,hand on his crotch she was making him horny. It also wasn't helping that his friends were giving him looks “We are” she stated matter of fact

“Have you ever used it or called someone that?” he inquired

“No, no one has earned that privilege, that word is heavy just can’t be calling anyone that. Has to be someone worthy of that”

“But why do you prefer that to daddy? It's weird that’s like BDSM are you into that?”

“Not really, not like that anyway no fifty shades of grey type stuff, maybe twenty five shades of grey cutting down a bit” she laughed

“So what is it?” he smiled

“It's just that..... like when you want someone to take control you say?” she said urging him to answer “Daddy”

“Right but do you really want them to take control?” She paused “think about it”

“Well.... i don't know” he was having a dilemma

“Master on the other hand hmmm..... implies true submission,take over cuz i want you to be in charge of my person. Does that make sense?”

He thought about it “i guess”

She turned around and talked to the group “what makes sense ladies you use daddy as the take control word but thats just take control of the situation right?” “Well it depends yea take control but when i say it i mean it in the context of ‘master’ except i might have to like guide my guy” Katie answered

“What about you?” Amanda said “Daddy does imply take control but i don't want to give my all to that person you know?” some nodded “Right so it's more so like take control for the moment, sometimes for the whole time, some men like being called daddy, am i wrong?” she asked looking for answer from the men

“I love it, it just makes me go crazy”

“You know I like daddy, but I think I would much prefer master” Niall said looking at Katie who blushed

“Harry no opinion?” she asked him

He smirked and shook his head tongue tied

She turned to face Emiliano “I just prefer master, not really BDSM but who knows” with a devious grin on her face her fingers doing waves near her face she’s thinking

“Oh boy what is it?”

“What is the difference between true submission and complete submission?”

“Its...” He paused

“I’ll let you think about that, but enough of dirty talk let's dance shall we”

“Wait we can’t just switch gears like that” “Yes we can and we are” she said spinning around

Sometime during the night Bellina finds herself being pulled towards Harry’s room he was drunk. But not wasted.She sat down on the bed while he stood leaning against the door

“What’s up?” she asked looking at him, he had this distressed look on his face

“We need to talk” he paused “I want to change the rules, cuz its not workin’”

She shrugged in response, he ran his fingers through his hair “‘M sorry for yeh know ‘sjus’ i can’t......the rules need to change” “Why?” she asked

“‘Cause ‘m not an average boyfriend, ‘m not your average bloke! yeah?, ‘nd lets say i was a millionaire without recognition yeh would still let me get yeh gifts, it shouldn' change jus cuz ‘m well known.” “Ok so what are you saying?”

“Im sayin’ yeh need to let me do stuff that yeh would let a regular millionaire bloke do!” he stressed

“And what's that shower me with gifts and such?”

“Yes!”

She made a face and shook her head “it's a bit much that's all im saying, i appreciate it all but it's overwhelming to me”

“I kno ‘s not like ‘m doin’ it cuz i wan’ something from you” he explained walking towards her

“I know”

“So wha’ do you say?”

“That can change” she smiled

“Now let's talk ‘bou yeh ignoring me in public” he stood in front of her with a stern look on his face

She blushed and said “No you cannot change those, we cannot act like we are together”

“I don’ wan to do tha’ but.... it drives me bloody mad! I don’ like men coming up to yeh i hate it even more when yeh ignore me.” he said pulling her up

“So what are we gonna do?” she said looking into his eyes

“ ‘M not sure but i thin’ it needs to change”

“I’m not budging Harry, sorry” she said raking his hair

At that moment her phone rang it was her mother face timing her

“Hi mom” Bellina greeted her stepping away from Harry. It wasn’t like her mother had not seen pictures of him she just wanted to give him privacy.

“Why didn't you call me?!”

“I did!” she smiled, she was lying

“No you didn’t! and where are you?”

“At the hotel mom” she said spinning around so she could see

“Are you ok?” her mom asked

“Yes are you?”

“S tha’ your mum?” Harry asked listening to the conversation “Yes” she said turning to face him

“Who is that?” her mother asked

“Harry”

“Harry?”

“Yes!” she said looking at the phone wondering why was she acting like she hadn’t mentioned him before

“I don’t know a Harry”

She walked over to him and aimed the phone at their faces informally introducing them “mom Harry, Harry mom”

“Nice to meet you mum” he greeted her doing his 2 finger salute

“Ooh british. What do you want from my daughter?” she questioned

He shook his head.”Not..”

She interrupted him “I'm just joking you take care of her and oh i've heard alllll about you” she said before hanging up

“Omg” she mumbled before hanging up

He started nuzzling her neck

“Time to party” she said doing silly moves moving away

“ ‘M already drunk i don’ need to party” he said pulling her close, he was silent for awhile “ ‘M sorry” he said apologizing for his behavior “I know” she said looking at him

The next day Harry woke up the next day to an empty bed, the last thing he remembered was refusing to go back out to the party and making Bellina cuddle with him on the bed. Her fingers caressing his scalp was the last sensation he felt before falling asleep. Hearing a lot of movement he decided to wake up.

Emiliano was expecting the girls to be ready for a shopping spree but he expected them to look their best because after all it was an event not a party the men were expected to do nothing but be ready by 6pm that evening. Bellina settled on a white mini bandage skirt with a orange off shoulder top. Her shoes and accessories were blue her hair in a low updo. Rushing into Harry’s room Bellina needed to find her wallet.

“Don’ yeh look beautiful” He said sitting up and putting his phone down.

She smiled glancing at him, “ Hey,have you seen my wallet?”

“No” he said on sitting the side of the bed watching her tear the room apart

She finally found it under his bed. “Oh yes!” she rushed into the bathroom to do a once over

Harry watched her “Yeh forgive me puddin’?” he asked.

She giggled, at first she hated that pet name but she didn't mind it now. He gave it to her after he learned how much sweets were part of life but it interchanged from ‘pudding’ to ‘poppet’ to ‘pet’ to ‘love’

“Yes” she confirmed turning to face him

“Can I get a kiss then?” he said reaching out to her

Walking over to him she gave him a quick peck

“Tha's not a kiss luv”

“It was!” she stressed looking down at him

“I wan’ like a true kiss” he said his arms wrapped around her waist

“If it wasn't a kiss then what was it?”

“Shit! Tha’s what it was... I wan’ a kiss” he said resting his head on her chest looking up at her

“I just kissed you” she said caressing his face

Thinking quickly Harry grabbed her wallet off her hand “if yeh don't give me a true kiss yeh won' get your wallet back” he said holding it behind him

“Harry!” she fussed reaching for it

He leaned back “Kiss or yeh’ll be late” she was already pushing the time limit

She huffed before planting a kiss his lips which was followed by another thinking she was slick she tried reaching up for the wallet only to have him to stretch his arm out further, causing them both to chuckle at their antics, coming up with another plan she went in for a deeper kiss her tongue danced with his slowly, slowly she eased up his body, she got him where she wanted him distracted. Grabbing the wallet quickly she broke away from the kiss

“Bye Harry” she said attempting to flee pushing herself off

With quick reflexes he grabbed her arm pulling her back “I wasn' done Bell” he said in a deep smooth tone with one arm draped across her back fingers spread pulling her in and the other hand on her chin. Harry hungrily attacked her lips this time it was him that had her in a trance. Kissing down her jawline to the nape of her neck to her sensitive spot behind her ears Bellina was helpless grabbing onto his arm she gasped every time he licked her neck which was followed by a moan, Harry's hand traveled down to grip her ass. Going back for a kiss he teased her taking her bottom lip into his mouth and biting it lightly he watched as ecstasy plastered itself on her face.

“I gotta go Harry” she said when he returned to her neck trying to push herself off of him. Which only gave him motivation and he pulled her back “Harry!” she fussed

He chuckled at her antics only further attacking her neck.

As she regained her strength and focus she knew the only way to get out of this was to act silly . Abruptly she started wiggling up and down

Harry erupted in laughter which caused him to loosen his hold on her. She giggled at herself “I gotta go bye”

“Wha’ the fuck was tha’?” he asked still deep in laughter

“I don't know” she shrugged rushing out

She met up with the girls in the lobby

“You look flustered are you ok?” Katie commented

“Yes!” she stressed

“Ooooohhhh I see” Emiliano teased

“Nothing happened”

“Mhm” he sized her up

“Let's go shopping” Amanda interjected

“Finally!” Bellina said in relief

There wasn't much Bellina got even with Harry's card she refused to buy much during their shopping spree. They took pictures which Emiliano posted on his Instagram, he posted one particular one of Bellina, with her sitting down leaning on the table legs crossed her hair a mess on her face biting her lip looking directly into the camera

“Whoa!” Liam said showing Harry the picture

He bit his lip in reaction

“Oii! off it mate! when ‘re yeh gonna make her your girl?” Niall asked

“Soon”

“What's soon?” Niall asked

“Yeh betta secure your spot before someone else does” Jeff commented

He shook his head thinking about this morning making it official was soon to happen.

The girls decided it was best to surprise the men that evening so instead they got ready at Emiliano's room.

Bellina settled for a reddish orange body con dress, a midi that stopped right at her knee with an open back that stopped right at the small of her back. Her makeup was a dramatic eye and soft pink lips her hair in bouncy curls that was cascaded to the side to emphasize the back of her dress. Her shoes Giuseppe Zanotti heels and gold accessories to top it off.

“I think you should go get the men” Emiliano commented eyeing her outfit

“Why?” she asked confused

“Cuz girl if Harry didn't jump on you then? he will now! I'll tell the girls to wait for us I'll make something up go go go” he scurried her out the door

“Ok ok” she said

“Confidence ooze it!” he teased

“I will” she laughed

As all the men waited they were having a deep conversation, they didn't notice Bellina walk in

“Gentlemen” she spoke as she walked in they all instinctively turned. Their reactions were priceless although some tried to hide it out of respect for Harry

“Whoo look at yeh!” Liam commented

“Are you ready?”

“Yes!” Jeff said enthusiastically. “Finally!”, they stood up walking towards her

“Follow me” she spoke before turning around

Curse words were mumbled even by Harry.They followed her to the elevator where they stood in silence secretly stealing looks while Harry didn't care at that point who knew and who didn't she looked damn good. They followed her in silence to the elevator. As the elevator dinged indicating they had reached the lobby she spoke before stepping out “meet you at the yacht” before walking the opposite direction towards the front as they walked to the back. Her hips swayed the tight dress accentuated and enhanced her curves. She glanced back a sign of pure cockiness and indeed Harry was still watching other men stopped in their tracks to watch her walk out the door

Jeff taking him by the shoulder said “Come on mate”

Turning around Harry bit his knuckles “fuuuuck!” He exclaimed

As she got to the car she spoke to the “ladies get ready to be fucked tonight”

“Whoo!” they cheered after all it's not a birthday celebration without sex is it?

As the two cars made their way towards the port, the paparazzi were in hot pursuit this was a night anyone hiding something had to behave the pictures would be in the tabloids the next week

The women arrived before the men. They were greeted by the first mate who showed them to the dining area

“Can I get you any drinks ladies?” they ordered and waited for the men who arrived ten minutes later. They were to have dinner then set sail for the party extra people were to arrive after. Harry and Bellina sat across each other which didn't help his situation he had to keep his hand on his crotch the whole time.

After dinner the yacht set sail there was an upper deck which was turned essentially into a lounge/club. Harry sat on one of the sofas paying close attention to the men who approached her. Trying to get close and personal she maneuvered around their arms and hands which yearned to touch her skin. He loved to see her work her charm. He wasn't going get drunk tonight, this night was a night to remember.

Emiliano grabbed her to dance saving her from the never ending line of men

Texting her he said

Harry: Could you come sit next to me for a bit pet?

When she didn't respond he noticed it was because he had her phone in his pocket she had slipped it to him before the extra guests joined. Feeling eyes on her Bellina turned around to see Harry's intense gaze. Noticing that she was looking back Harry raised his brow and smirked sending chills down her back

“Where's your boyfriend?” A stranger asked her

She challenged “What makes you think I don't have one?”

“What man would let you walk out like this without him close by?”

She shrugged

“So again my question stands”

“Do I have a boyfriend? is he an illusion? is he real? is he a place?” she said being sarcastic

Harry walked up behind them

“Oii! Harry!”

“Hello mate!” he said shaking his hand

“Yeh look good man!”

“Thank you, I need to borrow her real quick “

“Yea no problem she's great company” he flirted

She smiled before walking away with Harry

“Yes Mr. Styles how may I help you?” she said as they stopped to face each other

He ran his fingers through his hair clenching his jaw. His eyes were a dark green, he couldn't say what he wanted to say

She made a face took a step back “cat got your tongue” she teased

He had a devilish smirk

“Should I shimmy for you again?” she said wiggling which caused him to break out in laughter

“Bell come with me” Emiliano said walking up to her and grabbing her hand

“I gotta go”

He lightly dragged his hand down her back as she walked away it was electric

At the end of the night a drunk Emiliano needed to be put to bed

“Sweet dreams darling” she said to him after making sure he was alright

“Thanks” his boy friend said

“Get some dick tonight bitch!” Emiliano commented she laughed walking away

She walked up the steps to the penthouse suite there she heard noises of lovemaking mixed with giggles.

She retired to Harry's room taking off her shoes and removing the pins of her hair she contemplated sleeping in the dress. Sitting on the bed she did her toe exercises she was so focused on her phone she didn't realize Harry had walked out of the bathroom.

“Bell” he called to her as he approached her

“Yes?” she said not looking up oblivious to the evil grin he held on his face

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