#we have to skype when i fet back | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rachael-the-ultralord · 8 years ago

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An Explanation For YOU. You know who you are, at least if you read the first couple of sentences you will. If you’re not him, spare your time for something that was meant for you, which is not this.

I cant keep making you out as the bad guy when im the one who gave you hope an then swept you from your fet once you found sturdy ground.

But then again they say with abusive relationships you tend to blame yourself.

At least that’s what people tell me to make me feel better.

I cant help but think that in my reflections, i blame myself for things i claim I now would do differently, but in the moment i cant imagine anyway else i’d do. It’s unlike me to hurt others, even if they may deserve the ego break, and in the end me wanting to protect you, made me hate you and is what ultimately hurt you worse than anything i could imagine. It’s what made your eyes go cold when they gaze upon me, it’s my fault. Why I never told you this is because that was only my first mistake, my first time hurting you was hating you and blaming you an ignoring you, because I had retracted so far into hypocrisy, and I let everything build into anger. That’s why I left the way I did, why I lashed out, why I blamed you. I didn't tell you because I have no explanation for the second time I hurt you, I swept your feet from under you after I gained your trust again so quickly. You said you loved me after being apart for that month,my month of cooling off and apologizing, i came back expected out of my lonesomeness that you would accept me back with open arms and you did, and I got scared, and ran off again. And I have no reason to say why. I tried to blame you for it all again, I didn't want responsibility for hurting you, so i had to be justified in leaving again. I think I had only come back so soon because I was so lonely, I hadn't been ‘alone’ in the past 7 months of knowing you, we spent every moment free with each other, and that is partially what hurt us in the first place. Going from everything to nothing cause serious withdrawals and after the anger left I missed you, I missed everything about you and I couldn't imagine why I ever left you, i became obsessed with the thought of you, and being around you. So I messaged you and said I was sorry, and you said you were fixing yourself and you didn’t want ‘us’ to get in the way of that, and I cried, because I wanted you to be about me the way you were, because I didn't understand that my need of validation and my hypocritical tendencies were what hurt us so bad in the first place. My fear of having nothing to do, my not wanting to be alone anymore because I locked myself from the world, and you were finding ways to let me out piece by piece, and I cant deny that. That is all what made me come back to you, and the rush of you, and then you saying you didn't want me, but saying you loved me, hurt me. And then you admitted to an old habit of yours, keeping track of me on social medias after not doing so for a month, it frightened me because I remembered everything you did that made me so angry with us, and made me build up my rage inside in the first place, everything that i felt rushed back an I lashed out and I was angry again and I blamed you again and I left, again. After I told you i had regretted ever doing so in the first place. And I ignored you, once more. and after a while I began talking to that one guy you’ll never like, you said so. I spent so much time with him that I felt so happy, and free. He made me really think about all the wrong you had ever done me, all the times you were ever ‘abusive’ and I was angry, and hateful, and he helped me to really vent everything I had been saving up inside of me, all the things that you had done to me. He helped me so much when I stop to think about it, he made me happy and it was bliss. I could express my opinions freely an openly about you, an he cheered me on. I could be downright bitchy and he cheered me on, we were honest with each other, and it was like nothing else. but reality was smacked down so fast. He ended up having feelings, and our relationship was never really romantic for me, I always just thought of him as my best friend, I had never been honest with anyone before, and I couldn't reciprocate the feelings I had for him, even as I forced myself. he wanted things to be real so fast, and I liked him but it wasn't in the same way he did, I had feelings for him per say, but I think he felt it more.. real? He wanted a real relationship, to be boyfriend and girlfriend, maybe more. He started having dreams about us together, doing cute things, as couples would do. But I still was angry over you, and the last time we had talked, and everything. And that is what I told him, and he hated me for it, he said he wished he never fell for me, and he stopped messaging me first, he pulled back. He said that I was still in love with you, and hearing that scared me because I never wanted to hear that, I just wanted to be angry. As time went by I thought more and more of you, and I accepted that I was still in love with you, meanwhile this guy was being patient and he said he would wait for me, and I didn't know when I would be over you, he said that he was fine as long as I told him as soon as I was. I agreed because I did like this guy, and I liked his company. Now, things ended pretty quickly with him after a few days of not messaging him, because I was busy, and hadn’t opened Skype or discord to check if he had messaged, and I have his phone number and i had him on snap chat and he didn’t message me, so I didn't message him. Days pass, it’s the weekend and I get on my laptop to play League, and I open discord to see I have dozens of messages, mainly him just saying how if i was ignoring him on Skype i would be ignoring him on here, an he didn't know what he did wrong, and he was pissed at me. (I should note that in a burst of distaste i blocked and unblocked him on twitter because he was openly fat shaming anyone who he could find for the kicks of it, it disgusted me so I soft blocked him of twitter, he noticed that and called me out on it, so I got scared and blamed it on a twitter glitch) I opened Skype soon after discord and read all of his messages, all angry that I was ignoring him, because that’s what he took it as. He told me that if I really hated him to block him because the message would come across more clear than just ignoring his messages, I tried to explain everything that had happened to him but he was so angry that he called me a liar, and he wouldn't accept my side of the story and said if that was the case i should have messaged him on snap chat, or texted him. And yes I could have but so could have he, I was busy and didn't think of anything but school work for those days, less that a week actually. maybe 3-5 days i think. Anyways, so I was angry an I told him off, and like with you I forfeited my side of it and I blamed him, I blocked him on most things and said I didn't want to be in his life because I learned things of him (twitter fat shaming) that I didn't like in people I was associated with, so I didn't want to be his friend anymore, and I blocked him on just about everything but discord, and league, saying i wouldn't mind playing with him every now and then. After him I spent time alone, reflecting, I instantly knew that most of my anger was bull shit and I ha over reacted, but it was said and done and I didn't try to fix it like I did with you, and I let that friendship drift away. I spent time alone and thought, I was miserable for a while, but I soon began to uptake in actions I liked, like watching you tube and playing League again, and I met more people and made friends, and soon I left them because it was a commitment I didn't want to make, because it was so much after just trashing a good friendship i had, plus not having you. So I took more time to be alone and I did what I wanted to do, without the thought of others, and I played league when i wanted, and I left when i wanted, I did what i wanted and it was fun. I recently (over this break) got close with a group of friends on league I noticed myself today that i have been doing and thats filling them into my free time, and I cut that off today and spent time with my mom coloring, and going into the coloring with my mom i hated it because I only wanted to play league with them and be accepted by them, but reflecting now I am glad that i didn't get up and go to my room right away, because I made my mom happy in doing so, and thinking now i need to get my priorities into check. anyways, I have been doing me time tonight( this morning i guess now that it’s 7am)an i think I am finally okay with being alone, I think I can live with myself, without having anything to do. in the middle of writing this post actually i had an epiffany that I AM okay with being alone, that im not lonely anymore. Now this may be just a random post that led nowhere involving you, im sorry I wasted your time in reading this, but i need you to know that I’m okay now, and I went into this writing, really missing you and reflecting on everything, and now here I am, and I feel at peace with everything. It may seem like a random writing though, because I didnt go back to rerea anything i wront, and my brain tends to be all over the place, and bouncy like with the topics im on. Anyways, I left this unedited and sloppy because it’s real, and it’s me. And it’s the truth, and it’s okay.

I am okay.

And you?

You, are on my mind.

But i dont feel the urgency to have you, you’re just there. Maybe that’s good, maybe it’s bad, but it’s a step up from you being the only thing I can see myself having. I’m okay, and I miss you, but i ont need you. I dont need your validation, I want you in my life, but i think i’m okay meanwhile.

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