#we have funhouse lore now

[beaningeneraldenial]

Clown is angry.

He has every right to be; for about a week now, he's been trying to track down the guy who shot him in the head with little to no success. A few rumors here, a few rumors there. People around have been calling him 'Hot Guy', because apparently that's his only catchphrase.

Oh, yeah. The man is trying to play hero. In Lifesteal, there are no heroes. You're either a villain or a peasant trying to stay alive a day longer and now that stranger is trying to cause issues for everyone.

'Everyone' being the people in the heart trading business. That includes Clown as well but he only wants revenge -though a free target for hearts would be nice too.

"There is this avian who has been spotted with him", Branzy comments off-handedly from the bed, where he is tinkering with some cogs and wires and some other bits that Clown couldn't hope to name. "He's called 'Cute Guy', god knows why. They're a hero duo now"

Clown lets his forehead bang against the desk, right next to Branzy's elaborate redstone blueprints and his own neat row of knives.

Some shuffling comes from the bed, followed by footsteps and the badly hidden chuckles of his partner in crime. Leave it to Branzy to console someone through their sulking.

"There, there, Clown" -he pats his back- "You're the deadliest assassin in all of Lifesteal. Even if they're stab-proof, they aren't trap-proof"

---------

The following week is a whole lot of diggin'. Well, it's more like Clown watching Branzy run around the old funhouse design in the bottom of his casino, connecting and disconnecting wires and repairing the damages Vitalasy and Cube caused the last time they were down there. This lucrative endeavor of an establishment has been closed for that period of time, so that the new 'content' won't be leaked.

All he does is wriggle his fingers together as he sees the plan slowly but surely take shap and sharpen his scythe until the blade can slice the thinnest, most see-through slice of a tomato.

"How- It's that sharp?", Branzy is bewildered at the sight of the perfectly skinned tomato on the bar counter. Clown grins. "You know what, I won't even ask how you managed to do that"

"It was a lot of hard work, sweat and tears of the innocent"

"Tears of the innocent"

"I had to test the sharpness somehow"

Branzy stares for a second, then shakes his head, gives him a pointed look, silently communicating 'The less I know, the less I can confess in court' and walks back to the pit.

----------

Hot Guy and Cute Guy are a lot easier to lure than anticipated. Upon opening night, Clown spots the two bantering with some guests near the blackjack tables from the overhead, 'Staff Only' balcony. He gently nudges Branzy's side and watches as the man walks down the stairs to go collect them.

As he does that, Clown grabs his scythe and descends to the bottom of the funhouse pit.

The swirling red, purple and black colours are familiar and comforting. He stands right in the middle of the floor, listening intently on the laughter and joyful screaming coming from the funhouse rooms that are meters above.

Soon, the first target is falling through the ceiling. It's Hot Guy, the wingless of the duo and the sickening crunch that follows his fall is music to Clown's ears. He doesn't pounce yet, wanting to kill two birds with one stone.

Cute Guy is close to the other's timing. Though winged, the avian can't do much more than flap his parrot wings fruitlessly and collide with the wall and then slide to the ground in cartoon fashion.

"Welcome to the Funhouse!", Clown calls out, dashing to Hot Guy and swinging his scythe. The man yells and shouts apologies at him to stop but the blade has already been set into motion.

The other hero has managed to stand on shaky legs by the time he's done with the now-corpse that is already sizzling away, one heart down and Clown one heart up. Back to twenty.

"Hey, we can talk about this, fella!"

Clown doesn't think that they can talk about this. Silent as always, he stalks towards his pray. Branzy whistles above, probably looking at the bloody mess that is the pit he worked so hard on.

And Cute Guy pulls a gun out of nowhere. A pink gun with a heart on either side to match his equally pink outfit. The warning shot misses Clown's ear by a hair. It's a power play, he undesrtands that but now that he has an audience to appease, he has to play into the theatrics as well.

"Next time, I won't miss!", his voice dances. There is a light tremble to it; barely there but Clown's senses are enhanced and he picks up on it without issue.

Then he slices clean through the muzzle of the gun with his scythe. The hero is absolutely shell-shocked, shrieking and Clown laughs as he mocks him.

"Next time, I won't miss!", he follows through with his words. The guy's heart doesn't add to his count but it instead floats right above the hero's corpse. It's a deep purple with a swirling darkness inside it; Clown has never seen anything like it.

At the end of it, all that's left is the blood, the adrenaline and the slow, impressed clapping coming from Branzy.

Revenge had been served.

[systemic-dreams]

I made a map of the Feywild because I could not find one I liked.

Feel free to use for your own personal needs.

4K version under the cut:

The Fae take things very literally, especially promises. They can take names, hands and unborn children from unsuspecting visitors with loose lips. Eating and drinking Fey food can ensure that you never leave the Feywild again. But as chaotic and unpredictable as the Fey may be, they abide by the rules of Hospitality and the Rule of Threes. Three Queens, Three Wishes, Three Questions, Three Answers and so forth. They have noble and powerful beings called Archfey which rule from the Summer Court and Winter Court. The Courts of Spring and Autumn are usually subservient or less important and their whole society tends to have a matriarchal dominance. The Queens are the true rulers while the Kings are merely consorts or generals in their armies. You may also find Maidens, Ladies, Mothers and Crones of incredible power here.

Notes:

The Feywild is a plane of existence adjacent to the mortal world we call home. It is a more vibrant and colourful version of our plane where supposedly, the dreams of mortals can shape the terrain. The spirits that pass on when we die become the spirits that inhabit the Feywild, eventually transforming into Faeries and Fae creatures of many different shapes, sizes and temperaments. This has stagnated in more recent years due to religion drawing souls out beyond the Astral Sea. Now the plane is ruled by Archfey who have had countless time to practice their magics. But as beautiful and enigmatic as the Fey and the Feywild may seem, they are a crooked mirror of the real world, much like one you might find in a circus funhouse.

The Feywild seasons are locked geographically and regions grow stronger or weaker depending on the time of year in the mortal world. It is always summer in the Summerlands, etc. And in the Vale of Long Night, it is always night. Some places slip in and out of the Feywild like the city of Astrazalian, and the terrain is constantly changing. Distance is measured by a place's spiritual connection to another, or sometimes by rules the Fey make up themselves. For this reason, it supposed to be unmappable.

Out of lore, I've found this makes for a frustrating experience to navigate. However, I've played the Descent into Avernus DnD module by Wizards of the Coast. It came with a glossy foldout map of Hell and told the DM that the mapmaker went insane while creating it so some of the landmarks might not be accurate. For this reason, I think it wouldn't be unreasonable to tell your players that the person who made this map of the Feywild is certifiably insane. (This will save you grief as a DM when/if complicated questions crop up. Just say a madman did it! since this is not entirely inaccurate ( ͡• ͜ʖ ͡• )

DnD Lore Locations you can look up for modules/story:

Winter Court

Summer Court

The Lake of Frozen Tears

The Vale of Long Night

The Howling Forest

Shinaelestra

Cendriane

The Murkendraw

Mithrendein

Nachtur

Plains of Echoing Thunder

The Summer Forest

The Temple of Leaves

Senaliesse

Maze of Fathagn

Brokenstone Vale

Astrazalian

Harrowhame

The Court of Stars (floating over Autumn next to a mountain)

Other locations are inspired by Faerie Lore or Grimm Fairytales and their derivatives.

Powerful NPCs from DnD lore:

Queen Titania/Tiandra and King Oberon (the Green Lord) are seated in the Summer Court.

The Queen of Air and Darkness/Mab in the Winter Court.

The Pale Prince lives in a fortress on the Lake of Frozen Tears.

Baba Yaga could be anywhere. She fast-travels by flying around in her mortar and pestle/big wooden bucket with a broom. She lives in a Hut on Chicken Legs that moves around by walking and can be found in any forest. Caution to those who enter the Hut when she is not home.

Cernunnos, the Lord of the Hunts may also be seen riding through any of the forests with a big pack of hunters. He is frequently joined by Oberon in the Summer Forest.

Nachtur is the goblin capital and is ruled by the nasty hobgoblin named Great Gark (I have placed this inside a volcano for flavour and dungeon material. You're welcome).

The Murkendraw is a massive endless swamp and can be host to any number of nasty critters including Pfilosfyr the Carrion King, known for his many fungal clones and mycelium minions.

In Brokenstone Vale, you will find lycanthropes and shifters that depend upon the moon, hence their proximity to winter and night. This place is ruled by Viktor Kazan, the Lycan Lord.

Nearby, the island city of Astrazalian spends half the year in the mortal plane and is ruled by Lady Shandria.

The Silver Lake is home to the Lady of the Lake if you want to reenact some Arthurian myth like they did with Geralt in Witcher 1.

The Floating Forest is home to the Pegasi and Lurue the Unicorn Queen (Alicorn). I have put a little tower there for some Eladrin Pegasus Keepers/Servants depending on how intelligent you make the winged horses.

In the Gardens of Pleasure, you will most likely find satyrs, including Hyrsam, the Prince of Fools.

I have left the White Well purposefully off the map. You can place it anywhere in the Winterlands. Should your players find it and the Lady of the White Well, she may grant them a boon. Those she falls in love with, become enamoured with her and earn her blade. They become champions who seek to free her from banishment by becoming her true love. All have died in the attempt.

Additionally, some places may cross over into other planes. The Vale of Long Night and The Dark Forest cross into the Shadowfell where the latter becomes the Dead Forest. The endless swamps of the Murkendraw may also cross into the Shadowfell or The Grey Wastes, while Nactur is closer to the plane of fire. The Feysea leads to Fey islands and the Court of Seafoam and the Court of Coral and continues into the plane of Water. The Primeval Forest spills over into Arborea and Brokenstone Vale spills into the Beastlands.

The Isle of Dreams is made up. If you ever reach it, your players will find the world of their dreams and can choose to stay (and become thrall to the Dreamlord/lady/monarch) or go back with a single-use stone. Breaking it grants one use of the Wish spell. Make them roll a wisdom save.

Honeysuckle Lake is made of honey which makes all the water in the Feywild taste sweet. However, running water is very dangerous to Fey and can wash away their magic. You can see it creating artificial boundaries in the form of rivers. The honeywater in Honeysuckle Lake however, does not flow so quickly and is very viscous and sticky. Dipping a hand into it may not remove a Fey's magic but it can be just as dangerous. The honey is stronger than concrete and has known to pull unsuspecting honeyguzzlers into its grasp.

This is all based on my own reading and research and imagination, so feel free to change it up!

Happy hunting

[bubblybloob]

So, which run from Scarlet Hollow would you say has been your favorite until now? Any favorite trait/trait combo?

Favorite combo was the first I took of course, Mystical and Talk to Animals! You get to be so weird and everyone is so put off by your antics!

Some long ass rambling and spoilers below!

Individually, TTA can feel a little useless at some points, it’s never a passive ability so you only get use out of it when there’s animals around. It especially feels lacking in chapter 2, where there are two instance of running into wild animals (the bird and the bats) that feel weird since you don’t get to pause and chat with them and they don’t say anything noteworthy about ditchlings, the mines, the town, etc.

I get why it can feel like that, you don’t want players to feel they made a mistake choosing talk with animals by not having animals appear throughout a chapter, but you also don’t want player’s who didn’t choose it feel like they’re always missing out on important stuff by having too many animals.

I really think they should let more passive thoughts with TTA occur. The only instance I can recall of it appearing as a thought is if you’ve had Sybil’s tea and it’s like “she won’t judge you for your quirk :), go talk to her”. It caught me so off guard when I first saw it and Mystical pointing out that my thoughts were all weird made me almost stand up like “WHAT”. But even though it doesn’t sound like TTA would have passive moments where it’s not directly in action, I think it should, maybe our character is privy to random facts woodland critters have told us, or we’re more in tune with nature or something. Idk, it’s not useless and it’s incredibly hard to compare it to the other traits cause it essentially makes previously non-characters like Dustin or the Goat into characters, that’s something no others trait does.

Now for my more positive thoughts on TTA, damn is proving you can actually understand animals at the library so satisfying, and it stays satisfying as Kaneeka slowly comes to believe it herself over the course of the chapters! I'm so glad it seems to be getting taken more seriously by the characters as the chapters pass, we start by getting introduced to the trait in chapter 1, then we don't use it much in the second, then we get to talk to the mayor and, if Gretchen is alive, get the knowledge that something is up with Reese. And then we can learn that the PASTOR TALKS TO ANIMALS TOO. In chapter 4 visiting Pastor Daniel is great, I love that the game is setting up for TTA to have more of a spotlight.

Now Mystical. Mystical is probably my favorite trait. I've heard some people say it feels useless early on, and I think those people may not have played with it in their first run, cause going in blind with mystical makes you aware of a lot of stuff, like knowing someone will die out on the trails on Monday before it actually happens made me so tense, and knowing something is suspicious about Sybil when she gives you that look, or that "You're finally back where you belong" sending the shivers of foreboding up the spine!

It gives you longer visions if you have it (and are drinking Sybil's evil tea), so it's great for me who loves theorizing and lore. And the channeling of Charlie’s spirit in his funky funhouse of fright? That whole sequence with the seance options is what truly got me hooked on the game.

I also love how it seems mystical MC’s can be a little frustrated by chapter 4? The whole “hopefully my powers will finally do more than make me unwillingly channel ghosts” makes you sound so fed up with how not only are you forced into knowing things will happen and having no control over it, but also fed up with how no one takes you seriously. Like Stella seems a little excited at the prospect you could be a psychic when meeting Duke, and Avery is chill with everyone so they don’t judge you, but everyone else brushes you aside or looks at you weird. Also Sybil, fucking Sybil trying to make me feel my abilities are less than her’s during the tea reading. Lady I will find a way to have me and your daughter mystic blast you, you can’t even do anything without making people drink tea, suffer.

Anyway sorry for the rambling! I’m obsessed with this game, so much so I joined the discord, I rarely join stuff like that due to nerves, so that’s how you know the brainrot is REAL.

[aweirdoandhisfanfics]

Daily Pride Month pt. 23

Ok everyone, there won't be any guests today.

Since the canon queer characters of JD (seem) to be over already, I would like to take this post for a discussion.

(TW: discussions of homophobia)

Do you guys think that homophobia exists in the Just Dance world?

It starts with Smalltown Boy

If you ever heard the song, or watched the MV, you know exactly why he is here.

It's literaly a song about runing away from homophobia and prejudice, even the choreo for the routine encapsulates the pain of the song.

And yeah, JD could change the meaning of the song, they did that with "A Queda" and "Funhouse", A Queda is a song about people who want to see others falling (A Queda literaly means "The Fall" in portuguese also), while the lore that we got has NOTHING related to it, and Funhouse, which was a song about break-up, with Iluquim's new lore its more a "watch out for the Iluquim" than anything now.

I could, see something like that being made to Smalltown Boy, but each time that I watch the routine the more I doubt that this could happen.

The second evidence, is Love Me Again.

We all know how a fuckboy he is, and how he is currently dating Rita Piña from Drop The Mambo, this whole thing has been a joke between the comunity.

But it got me thinking (this next part its more theoric), what if there's more into it?

The general assumption is that it was Rita who made LMA realize that he likes men.

This is a thing that also happens in real life, a man, who because of society's comphet, passes his entire life trying to convince himself that he likes women, and dates various women to try to prove to himself and to society, only to then discover that he likes/also likes men- oh wait.

I think you noticed where I want to go.

So now it's on you, what do you think? Do you have any evidence to add or to debunk my theory? Let's discuss.

[plotdevicetommy]

So I’ve been thinking a lot about The Winchesters and have some ideas that have sort of settled in my brain, mostly focused on thematic elements of importance. I have two of note I want to talk about:

1. Containers, vessels, or spaces used to trap, control, or destroy monsters

The monster box is the ONLY thing we know of that can kill the Akrida. It can also destroy other demons and was watched over by the loup-garou in its lair

La Tunda has a lair located in a commune, which is a controlled space from which people are discouraged from leaving. The essence of La Tunda is captured in a vial by the leader of the Akrida

Bori Baba has a bag which can trap victims. It serves as her home lair

Mars Neto is tied to an amphora that grants him his invulnerability. An amphora is a type of vase container, often used to store wine

Mac and the soucouyant are trapped in a cave-in

The mothership, of course, has the Malak box which can contain various forces. 

This theme of containers seems really crucial to our overall plot. Why so many containers? Who or what is trapped or needs to be trapped?

2. Illusions or mind manipulations

Bori Baba makes you destroy the item you seek in order to escape her. This is a type of mind manipulation or mind game forcing you to face your fears and let go of them

Mars Neto traps victims within an illusion of their own trauma background. 

The Akrida can use a mind control toxin that traps you inside your own mind. Similar to a djinn, it takes a dreamwalker to get victims out of the mind trap

The loup-garou is a type of shapeshifter, which while not an illusion has similar thematic concepts with the shifting of reality

Demon possession happens frequently, with John being possessed by Mac who feeds off of his anger and mental turmoil

Illusions and mind games or mental manipulations are frequent occurrences on the show. Perhaps something in the overall plot is tied to illusions or mind traps?

Now let’s get to episode 7, which is titled Reflections

When I think about reflections, the first thing that comes to mind are mirrors. Mirrors are present in a ton of lore and mythology. Narcissus saw himself in a mirror and fell in love with his reflection. Alice traveled through the looking glass into another world. In Supernatural, mirrors were used as a container for Bloody Mary. 

Some cultures and religions believe mirrors can trap a dying soul. A broken mirror can break a soul. Mirrors can serve as portals for ghosts. Essentially, mirrors have long been used both as traps and as pathways from one world to another. 

Mirrors can also be used to glimpse the future or other places in the world. 

Mirrors are associated with the truth. Frequently, glamours or other illusions can be shattered by mirrors. Mirrors can see into your soul, which is why vampires can’t be seen in mirrors. In Supernatural, mirrors let you see the truth of changelings, sirens, and wraiths, as well as shapeshifters. 

BUT mirrors are also associated with obscuring the truth. Mirror mazes and funhouse mirrors are sources of illusion, in which the truth is hidden. 

So what does all of this mean? I have no answers but I have suspicions that the long game of this prequel will involve some sort of monster container either being used or being broken open, and the breaking of an illusion. Perhaps the illusion of Heaven Dean is greeted with at the end of the show?

[walkingshcdow-a]

As some of you guys know, I RP with a FANTASTIC Blitzo on Discord and we were talking last night about our AMAZING AU (Blitzo and Stolas and their daughters go to Earth undercover to avoid Stella and her assassins and have to pose as a married couple with teenage daughters for everyone’s safety; Millie and Moxxie are next door, living their best lives. We’re so cool.) and Tis pointed something out to me I hadn’t noticed: Stolas’ official lore page says “fallen angel”. There are two possible candidates Tamiel and Rathaiel, who deal in astronomy. The page further goes on to describe his angelic form as being a very beautiful human with black hair and blue eyes. So, you know, gorgeous or w/e. 

But we got talking about the universe at large and what things we believed are on track for the future of the series (and for its sister series) and what we would *rather* see and *why*. Here are seven HCs about Stolas, Hell, and maybe even a little bit of Heaven to give you an idea  of what to expect from me. These apply only to my RP Stolas, not to general series predictions, so fanblogs, please do not interact. 

The Goetic Demons are princes(ses) of Hell. This implies they were the ones who followed Lucifer in rebelling against God, which means they are angels. This leads not only to class disparity between Goetic Demons and native/colonized citizens of Hell (like imps, succubi, and hell hounds), but a racial component. Stella’s issue with Blitzo is then three-fold (at least): first, he is the man that her husband is having an affair with; secondly he is much lower class than the Goetias; lastly, imps are a different race (and possibly a different species, but different in the way that wolves and dogs are different species, since we discussed them as the progeny of Satan in the Wrath ring, and thus, (fallen) angel born.

)The Goetic Demons are fallen angels. Stolas’ form was that of an exceedingly beautiful man and when he rebelled against God, part of the punishment is not only separation from the holiest of holies, but separation from the physical identity he’d had since the start of creation. He has embraced his demon form - that of a giant, four eyed owl - because 1. He’s beautiful, especially in comparison to some of the other fallen angels and 2. There is no undoing* his choice to have fallen. This means, of course, that other Goetic demons are fallen angels (including Stella!) and that their children are full-blood angels, who cannot unlock their forms in Hell. Theoretically, this means Octavia is an angel who has not chosen to fall and could enter Heaven. (Theoretically. I still think the angels that are left to run the day-to-day operations of Hell are jerks, even if I disagree that God is corrupt in my take on this universe). 

That asterisk? *It is possible for the fallen angels to gain redemption, but they don’t realize that. Some, like Lucifer, Satan, and Mammon might be beyond the pale, but Stolas? Stolas has reopened himself to giving unconditional love (to Octavia first; to Blitzo in our AU as things unfold and with other ship partners and friend characters here as time goes by) and has accidentally set himself on a path of redemption. Native denizens of Hell, such as imps and Hell Hounds, are capable of putting themselves on redemptive paths, too, but would not necessarily become angels (although I wonder if they *could*, since they are angel-made beings? I also imagine some subspecies of demon - which is more like a nationality than a common set of genetic traits - are primordial/elemental spirits, entirely separate from Heaven and Hell, drawn into the conflict only because they live there. This probably applies most to my Fae universe here on Tumblr. This makes me wonder if they can earn redemption, too. 

God is not the corrupt one here. He’s overworked and stressed, a little depressed that his children (especially Lucifer) flipped him the bird and chose estrangement with him over staying in Heaven. He focuses his energy on earth and is a little unaware of the turmoil in Hell and in Heaven. If he knew units like CHERUB weren’t doing good things and were misconstruing his teachings, he’d be angry; if he knew that Charlie had essentially invented purgatory, he’d be proud of his granddaughter and try to help. And if he knew Stolas finally understood unconditional love for another person, he’d sit with him under a tree and dispense fatherly wisdom to him about being a father and tell him he was so proud of how Stolas is raising his daughter. *Heaven* is corrupt under the angels who have taken over since the rebellion. They don’t ever want the fallen angels to know they can regain their places in Heaven; they don’t want to give up their power.

Goetic demons and the princes of the realms retain some angelic powers. Stolas’ include portal-creation to anywhere in the universe(s). He took Octavia to a real dying solar system to let her know she would be safe with him (and with his love when he was gone). His grimoire contains the secret to doing that. The fact that Blitzo can open a portal makes me think that because he’s technically (fallen) angel spawn, the ability to use the book is not unique to Goetic demons, but to those with angelic heritage. Humans might not be able to use the magic, even if they tried for years and studied. 

If fanon lore about angels that their wings/feathers are the most sensitive parts of their body, does it surprise anyone that Stolas is the way he is? The man is now covered in feathers!

Threads with human-shaped!Stolas are surreal to Stolas because it’s a funhouse mirror or his angelic form and he isn’t sure if he misses his demon form (which he’s grown fond of and used to) or if the gnawing in his chest is for reunion with his heavenly Father and heavenly self. It’s actually very stressful for him to be “human” for very long, but he won’t appear as a demon unless he wants to scare your muse or he’s very comfortable with them/their surroundings. 

There was definitely more and there definitely will be more as I get comfortable RPing him

[assortedasurathings]

The Lore-Purists Guide To Writing Splices in Tyria (Yes, It’s Lore-Adherent!)

Hello! Now that the Title has got your attention? YUP I’m actually going to prove how ,from a “ Lore Purist “ perspective, you can not only WRITE splices, but do so in a way that is 100% true to ALL given Tyrian lore.

Introductary Terms :

Splice : A character consisting of a hybridization or fusion of two species. GW2 has a class that plays with this already : Soulbeast, but for the purposes of this excersize, those will only be touched on . 

Lore-Purist : Oftentimes read as gatekeepers , Lore Purists ONLY accept what is written DIRECTLY in the wiki, or things that came directly from the mouths of devs. Of course, this is usually based on bad experiences with Lore-Lenient folk, oftentimes newer roleplayers in general, thus lending to the perception as Gatekeepers

Genetics : The understanding of, and decoding of, the genome of species, sapient or otherwise. 

Part 1 : Hexes, Soulbeasts, and Magick Amok  . 

Tyrian magic is a fantasic, all-encompassing system of INCREDIBLY diverse spell types .  Imagine if you would , throwing light into a prism. That’s how magic works. The spectrum of magic is broad, and it’s uses moreso.  Hexes are lore compliant, demonstrated by the Siren’s Reef Fractal, The Foefire Ghosts, The Undead ‘ Charm’ in Some paths of the personal Story, and Even More! , so , as demonstrated by the Foefire , Undead Charm, AND the Spectral Magic At Siren’s Reef, curses are capable of not only altering body shape, but the soul and magic of It’s target. Thus, an easy way to have a splice is just to have your character be cursed. Just, be sure to throw in some /ACTUAL/ Curse-like bits in there. Like being unable to say some words or having an allergy to some oddly-specific but common thing.  Soulbeast magic! This is by far the easiest way to do this. Soulbeasts,”  can become one in spirit(with their animal). By channeling their pet, they become a single entity, attacking with fanglike dagger strikes and using the abilities of their companion and its archetype.. “ Notice something in the wording there? “ Becoming a Single Entity “  There’s a few ways to interpret this. Either by just “ Buffing” yourself using the power of your animal, or, the more generally accepted, fusing yourself magically into a new beast. Fangs, Claws, tails , Scales, and Burning Breath all possible... And encouraged. 

What’s more ? Magic in Tyria is decidedly unstable. Ley Magic Surges , Instabilities in Artifacts, and More can cause a soulbeast to be ‘ Stuck’ in a merge, thus resulting in a splice.. and likely a fair amount of distress over a “ Lost “ companion, depending on how you handle the merging of minds.  Part 2 : Asura don’t know Genetics* (*AKA ‘ Anet isn’t consistent ‘ )  It’s explicitly stated that the asura don’t actually understand genetics. This is, of course, Only true at the time the statement is issued. From there we’ve had two pretty impressive peices of genetics-based lore given. Taimi suffers from a genetic condition, a terminal illness which is well understood and treated. The clue-in that this is genetically related is that the treatment isn’t shotgun-style “ throw things at it until it works “ ... That can not only prove detrimental, but outright lethal. Thus, the remaining conclusion, and the one that’s , yes, Genetics related: that asura doctors, if nothing else, understand genetics enough to know that ‘ upping dosages’ when something doesn’t work , or rapidly changing medicine types, probably won’t get them anywhere with terminal illnesses. Unless of course, one wants to say that they magically stumbled along the perfect route to learning about medicine without ever once touching on How illnesses develop. Given the asura tendency towards obsessive learning patterns, it’s doubtful that they’d pick up medicine without picking up anatomy, genetics, and more.   Rata Primus Is the 1 absolute in this case. When dealing with plagues, especially ones that are species-specific, tampering with them to get them to jump across species requires some baseline understanding of genetics. You can’t just throw magic at it directionless and expect it to do anything but kill the researchers first. Yet we see those beautiful inquest bastards slowly, if not certainly, tweaking the plague generation-by-generation to adapt to new targets and hosts. while notably being wholly unaffected by it themselves in those first few iterations.  Thus,even from a purist standpoint, the Lore has shifted enough from the “ Asura can’t do Genetics “ Time to today. We’re nearly in 2021,it’s time we update our Canon , just like the writers have done with the story itself.   Part 3 : The Inquest Can Clone  This is where things get fun! So , even without genetics , the inquest are capable of manipulating dragon magics and cloning entire creatures using them. Examples of this are Subject Alpha , An amalgamation of many different dragon magics, the Six Simulacrum (Artificially made) Of dragon minions , And various projects that violently warped the state of their subjects (Subject 6, Thaumonova Fractal ). Kudu himself was even capable of absorbing absurd amounts of dragon magic and staying sane    Part 4 : Dragons? Easy. Souls? Easier. Splicing? Why even ask. The extreme ease by which the Inquest manipulates dragon energies is superceeded by one other thing they’re experts at warping.. Souls. In the asura personal story, long before dragons become a hassle for the commander, the inquest are seen fusing souls to Golem bodies as a power source.. so easily, in fact, it can be done without even touching the subject or golem, as well as being done in multiples (Funhouse instance Cutscene). Doxa is one such victim of technology like this going awry. 

By this metric, it’s extremely easy to infer that the Inquest are capable of precise tampering with Bodies , souls, or magic as a whole in subjects.. meaning if they felt like it, an abuse of any of these magics would suffice to make a splice : Druid , Soulbeast, Dragon Corruption, Ley Energy, .  Or, if you prefer Less magically dubious : Just fusing the two bodies into one. 

The Conclusion : The Lore is Hazy.  It’s fairly well established that lore in GW2 isn’t IRONCLAD, nor is it very definitively written. We, as players, have seen things go 180 in the drop of a hat. Norn Roleplayers have seen “ All the spirits are dead “ turned into “ All the Spirits are imprisoned “ In the course of 1 single story update. Asura have seen the Inquest go from a fringe group of mad scientists to a Mega-civilization that encompases the bulk of asura population itself. Anet isn’t known for consistent writing, and it’s not our place as players to say they’re concrete, and infallible, in their wording.  The long and short of it is, Just have fun Roleplaying. Policing other players based on what they write is outright petty at best, and Full-on gatekeeping at worst.  If you don’t want a specific Kind of Player or Character in your guild, Say it outright, Be direct yet Kind in doing so. It’s a stressful world, and the last thing anyone should do is attack a person for the wrong reason when they’re just trying to have fun.  Edit : Updated Terminology , removed tooth from Post

[goldenringreviews]

Sonic the Hedgehog the 1991 Promotional Comic Review

As a comic it’s difficult to recommend to anyone not already invested in the lore and fandom, with below average visuals and a story that doesn’t resolve itself, but in places it still has a lot of charm with inventive panels and plenty of competency in how the story is told (incomplete as it might be). But still this one is more for the fans, a peek at what might have been if they’d stuck to their original continuity for the character. Now on a parting note I’d like to pair this with a level like a kind of sommelier for all things Sonic. The obvious recommendation might seem like Green Hill Zone Act 1, an introductory level for an introductory comic. But as close as some panels come to recreating the game, there’s still so many points of departure (a bizarre origin story and visuals that aren’t just right) that it’s like looking at Sonic 1 through a funhouse mirror. So instead of Green Hill Zone Act 1, I’d pair it with Green Hill Zone Act 2 from Sonic the Hedgehog game on the Sega Gamegear and Master System. Like the comic it’s a warped version of something familiar, starting off like the Green Hill Zone you know before dropping you into these catacombs that you have to find your way out of to complete the level. And like this comic it’s a gem best appreciated by those more invested in the fandom, fans looking to try anything Sonic related at least once.

There are virtually limitless ways to introduce a person to Sonic the Hedgehog the character. From major motion pictures to irreverent fanart and obviously anything from a deep back catalogue of games, he’s become a pop culture icon that’s done so much to grow beyond his humble 16-bit beginnings, originally released to the world in the summer of 1991. For example, of any game series to make the jump to comics, arguably nobody else comes close to the longevity and success that Sonic has had in the medium. During his original Archie Comics run, Sonic the Hedgehog ran for a staggering two hundred and ninety issues (which doesn’t include numerous spinoffs and one shot comics), his lesser known UK counterpart, Sonic the Comic, ran for an incredible 223 issues (184 original with 39 reprints), and IDW even gave us a kind of spiritual successor to the Archie comic, scooping up a lot of the original writers and artists after the series cancelation, which is still running as of the moment I’m typing this. And just like the character, there are a number of entry points for someone trying to get into Sonic comics for the first time.

My intention for doing these reviews is to talk about all sorts of Sonic comics, drawing from my experience as a comic creator and fan of the character, and to start I wanna look at all the different issue ones that have been done over the years. And if we’re gonna talk about issue ones, it’s appropriate we start with the one that started it all. Simply named Sonic the Hedgehog was a 15-page promotional comic produced in fall of 1991 by Sega of America. It was released in a number of different ways, a pullout found in issues of DC Comics and other magazines, or you could buy it as a standalone floppy. The cover was provided by the late Greg Martin, known for illustrating box and promotional art for a number of early Sonic games, with writing and interior art done by Francis Mao who was an art director for GamePro magazine. And with Mao, while you might have someone with a deep love and understanding of video games, their skills as a comic writer and illustrator are ultimately what drags down the whole experience.

While far from the worst Sonic comic out there, there’s a crude, rubberiness to the ink drawings and the colors have a shallowness almost like they were done in crayon. The writing is perfectly serviceable (Mao could probably have worked on early Archie Sonic comics with this quality of output) but as a story it feels incomplete. Though that’s not really something you can pin on the writer, because the comic is just an advertisement for the newly released game. Which brings us to the positives like the unique panels Mao implements to simulate the Sonic the Hedgehog experience. On page eleven we and Sonic find ourselves dropped into the Labyrinth Zone, with Sonic getting chuted down a panel the length of the page. We see him dragged through underwater corridors, run loop de loops, hit bounce pads, and fall from crumbling ledges that lead into spike pits. And all this has an air of excitement but does little to create a substantive plot. You do however get an extended sequence of Sonic telling his and Robotnik’s original origin story, ripped from the pages of the Sonic Bible (an internal document created by Sega of America in 1991), it gives Sonic and Robotnik (then Dr. Kintobor) a close and tragic relationship that is almost completely excised from Sonic canon before the game can reach store shelves. Though a brief aside, it’s funny that we only see six chaos emeralds (Sonic 1 only has six chaos emeralds for the player to collect) but Kintobor talks about needing one last gray emerald (almost like they knew the total would be brought up to seven chaos emeralds in later games).

As a comic it’s difficult to recommend to anyone not already invested in the lore and fandom, with below average visuals and a story that doesn’t resolve itself, but in places it still has a lot of charm with inventive panels and plenty of competency in how the story is told (incomplete as it might be). But still this one is more for the fans, a peek at what might have been if they’d stuck to their original continuity for the character. Now on a parting note I’d like to pair this with a level like a kind of sommelier for all things Sonic. The obvious recommendation might seem like Green Hill Zone Act 1, an introductory level for an introductory comic. But as close as some panels come to recreating the game, there’s still so many points of departure (a bizarre origin story and visuals that aren’t just right) that it’s like looking at Sonic 1 through a funhouse mirror. So instead of Green Hill Zone Act 1, I’d pair it with Green Hill Zone Act 2 from Sonic the Hedgehog game on the Sega Gamegear and Master System. Like the comic it’s a warped version of something familiar, starting off like the Green Hill Zone you know before dropping you into these catacombs that you have to find your way out of to complete the level. And like this comic it’s a gem best appreciated by those more invested in the fandom, fans looking to try anything Sonic related at least once.

[goodluckbabe2024]

my friend i am here with the self insert oc sam parallel episode, i have a history exam tomorrow and i refuse to revise in favor of writing this. let me take you on a journey.

this is very self indulgent and spans kind of the entirety of the series (because im nosy and want to be involved in every cool plot) so im not gonna embarrass myself OR bore you but the general gist of the first episode is this:

i am an 18yr old psychic kid raised by a hunter, meeting the boys in s2 through a “my father was also murdered by a ghost of his past”, except he did not immediately assume i am the antichrist while i was an infant and raised me relatively normal, thus demonstrating that john winchester was a fucked up parent because he allowed himself to be.

i am what sam could’ve been and he is once again reminded that all he ever wanted was to be normal and loved and how that was taken away from him, unfairly. he is angry. he is jealous. he feels bad about being jealous because “her dad’s dead, what the fuck,man”. he wants me to be ok, ultimately, ofc he does, but he doesn’t understand why i got it, why he didn’t, why couldn’t john do it. this serves as more material for soul-searching bc i am a firm believer that understanding the circumstances of abuse and neglect and wrapping ur head around them helps lift the guilt we often burden ourselves with: it’s not that if sam had been a better son john would have loved him more, it’s that john refused to look at sam for what sam really was: a child wracked by generational trauma and unprocessed grief, whose autonomy was violated before he could say his first word, in need of love, and chose to instead look at sam through his own grief muddied goggles and link him to mary’s death. insane how this is turning into sam analysis isn’t it.

i am also angry because im still sort of a child but not really, not anymore, im on the cusp of adulthood and going into it knowing that the world is unfair and hateful, grief is written all over me and sam thinks oh nono, because hope’s kind of the whole point isn’t it, and i had it and now it has been taken from me along with my parent and sam feels so alone and furious with everything, he’s plagued by skull cracking demonic visions, and he doesn’t want this idealized version of himself to ultimately end up like the version of himself that he is now, the one he doesn’t understand, the one he’s afraid of. he’s looking in a weird funhouse mirror, sees a kid who was different like he was but was cherished, and sees her end up in the same position he is now: fatherless, on a quest for revenge. he thinks that if we get the monster of the week, ill be better and he’ll find his hope in that. all roads lead to rome but he wont allow this one to reach the colosseum (defying destiny theme, hello).

the monster of the week hunt begins thusly, with sam generally uncomfortable. i confide in him about my psychic abilities and i explain to the brothers that i can help. both are opposed, but i am a chaotic little bitch and get involved anyway. throughout my involvement, sam learns more about the world of psychic mediums and thinks aha! hope! maybe if i dig deep enough (whore for lore amirite babes) ill find someone who’s lived an experience similar to mine! miss oc what are ur book recs for “i think i am psychic and terrified of it” and i say “fear not nerd have a very small cup of coffee and let me tell you about this great college course on divination”. this is relevant because i wanted to see more of sam desperately trying to fit into some sort of community, even a community of supernatural folk john and dean might’ve disapproved of, and finding that, at this point in time, he does not. he’s an outsider to normal people, he’s an outsider to those in contact with the paranormal. really hammer in that freak (affectionate) tagline. (he WILL build a safe haven in the men of letters bunker for all misfits in his adulthood, party city wig sam i do NOT perceive you)

the hunt culminates in an impressive showdown that includes the following: pyrotechnics, a cool spell, seeing things that aren’t really there, the power of friendship and a butter knife thrown like a frisbee. at the end we all look like final girls because im gay so blood is sexy. sam, who has come to regard me like a younger sibling/some sort of manifestation of his inner child, learns what it’s like to be deeply concerned with a youth’s safety and has a heart to heart with dean about how yeah, handling a teenager with incredible amounts of simmering rage and unprocessed grief while being barely equipped for any guardian-like role IS hard, man, is this what it felt like every time i busted out a batshit plan last minute and barely executed it in time to survive??? “yeah. bitch” “jerk.”

the epilogue is as follows: we see sam feeling many complicated things, but he is satisfied for the moment. we have a little heart to heart while laying flowers on my father’s grave. we both look a little worse for wear, but hopeful. “what’re you gonna do now?” “im not sure. college, maybe?” we keep in touch. i go on to art school and make homoerotic art pieces, as is my right. i make guest appearances whenever they need a deus ex machina bs spell to get out of trouble.

maybe in later seasons i go a little ape shit and commit some magical atrocities in the name of the greater good. maybe i get a little antagonized and he gets to offer me the understanding he couldn’t get when he needed it. i see you, sam, treating all misfits in later seasons with kindness, and i offer you a claire-like parallel to be there for through the tough times, thus healing some of your own wounds. everyone deserves an angsty wlw teenager to bond with . (i am only on season 9 of my rewatch and i have not seen seasons 12-15 in their entirety, if he does get one im not disrespecting that character and i love them probably)

the boys hit the road. vienna by billy joel plays, because it makes me feel things.

Slow down you're doing fine

You can't be everything you want to be before your time

Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight

Too bad, but it's the life you lead

You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need

Though you can see when you're wrong

You know you can't always see when you're right

You got your passion, you got your pride

But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?

Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true

When will you realize... Vienna waits for you?

end scene.

this is poetry. i will cherish this forever thank you for sharing with me and good luck on your exam

[star-mum]

LIVE REACTION TO NIGHTMARE TIME EP 1

Idk if anyone would even be interested in reading this but as I was watching the show last night I kept writing down my reactions on my notes so here we are

*this is all in caps idk why just roll with it*

THE OPENING SONG IS SUCH A BOP OMG NICK LANG HIMSELF ?????? MONSTER FUCKER RIGHTS ???? HIDGENS ENTRANCE HOW ICONIC "LUCY IS HAVING NONE OF IT" I LOVE THAT OMG JOEY PLAYING KONK (?) IS SUCH A POWER MOVE I LOVE THAT THE BEGGINING IS JUST TARZAN FANFIC SKSKSKSKS MARIAH IS TEXTING JOHN (?) AND HES LAUGHING SM WE LOVE A COMEDY QUEEN I LOVE THEM USING THE ZOOM BACKGROUNDS SKSKSKS KONK IS AWFULLY CLOSE TO COCK AND I THINK ITS ON PURPOSE ?? SPECIALLY WITH THE LAG I HAD TO DO A DOUBLE TAKE SOMETIMES SKSKSKS SOMEONE JUST SAID "TED'S ORIGIN STORY" ON CHAT AND I LOST IT !!!!! COULD YOU IMAGINE ???? HANDSOME LADY ? I MEAN SURE TIGHT JOHN IS LOSING IT FUCK MAN, SAME CURT OMG THAT ACCENT OOOOOOOOHHHH BOY I KNEW IT WAS HER FIANCEE SHIIIIT WE CANNOT TRUST HIM I KNOW THIS !!! "ENTAGLED" SKSKS WHAT SIR HES GAY CHILL OUT WHATS THE YEAR, IT FEELS SO OLD TIMEY "I'D SAY YOU HAD FEELINGS FOR THIS APEMAN" OOOOOOOHHHH DONT U SAY JONATHAN IS A PUSSY BITCH I CAN TELL LUCY JUST DROP IT OH SHE ACTUALLY DID ????? FUCK IT UP BABE

(I JUST ACIDENTALY DELETE HALF OF WHAT I WROTE SHIT, ILL HAVE TO REWRITE IT FROM MEMORY) WHAT THE FUCK THEY WERE TRICKING US??? THEY CALLED IT, WHAAAAAAAAT WDYM "PLAY THE PROFESSOR" IS HE NOT A PROFESSOR WHAT ALTERNATE REALITY IS THIS I NEED TO KNOW

ARE THEY GONNA FUCKING KILL HIM WHAT??? SINGING LONDON BRIDGE WHILE CHASING SOMEONE IS MY FAV SCARY TROP HAHAHHA YEEEEESSS "TOOK OFF WDYM" GIRL HE IS HOLDING A GUN WHAT DO YOU THINK "WDYM" WHY DID HE KEEP THE KONK ACT AFTER LUCY LEFT SKSKSKSKS TED WTF SKSKSKS "I DO SOME OF MY BEST THINKING WHEN IM ERECT" HAHAHAHA TED LIKES TO BE A HIMBO THATS GREAT IS HE GOING TO KILL TED ?? AAAAAAAHHHHHH TED HE HAS A GUN PLZ DONT TEST HIM HE HAS ALREADY KILLED A MAN OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUCK RECAST???? WHO IS TAKING TED'S ROLE ????? OH SO ITS NOT OLD TIMEY AFTER ALL RED SOMETHING???? OH TED'S GONNA PROPOSE IS SHE GONNA SAY NO? SHES GONNA SAY NO RIGHT ? FUUUUUUUUCK HAHAHHAHA WHY IS HE NAKED ??? JAHAHHAHA WHAT WHAT IS HAPPENING TED WHAT ? "PROFESSOR SHOULD GO FUCK HIMSELF" HAHAHAHA PORNHUB PREMIUM ACCOUNT HAHAHAH "OOOoooOOoOoOoOoOohhHhhHh BUT IT IS" FUCK NO DONT KILL HER OOOOOOOOOHHHH TED'S DEAD SHIT OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH ROBERT'S ACTING IS *CHEF'S KISS* DAMN OH SHIT TED *NOW* TED IS DEAD FUCK HIDGENS IS HERE NOOOOOOOOOOO IS HE GONNA KILL HER ??? OH SHIT OH FUCK LUCY'S CAUGHT IN  A BEAR TRAP WHY ARE PPL SAYING WORKING BOYS IN THE CHAT ??? OH THATS WHY !!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH MINE IS A LITTLE BEHIND IS SHE BROKE ??????? OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHA I KNEW IT HIDGENS GOT PLAYED THATS ON YOU BUDDY OH FUCK HIM UP LUCY ! BECKY BARNES ????? HATCHFIELD LORE ???? WAS SHE RUNNING AWAY FROM HIS HUSBAND IS THAT WHY SHE CLIMBED A TREE APE MAN SHOW UP PLZ WHO IS IT THO ?????? JEFF HELL YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK JESUS CHRIST APE MAN YEEEEAAAHHH WOOLY FOOT ?????? IS IT CHUMBY???? OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH HAHAHA YEEEEAAHHH HOW DID HIDGENS KNOW ????? OH IS IT OVER ?????? NOOOOOOOOOOOO I WANTED MORE ;-----; THIS WAS SO GOOD THO OOOHHH FUCK ANOTHER MUSIC NUMBER JAMIE YOU LOOK AMAZING !!!!!!!!!! I CANT WAIT FOR THESE SONGS TO BE AVAILABLR FOR US (IN LIKE 3 YEARS CAUSE IM BROKE SKSKSKSK) HE DANCES THE CAN CAN ?????? OKAY I SKIPPED A BIT TO BE ON TIME WITH EVERYBODY "ARE YOU FUCKKING HIGH????" YEEEEEEEEEAH PART 2 BABEY !!!!! NICK'S HAIR LOOKS AMAZING OMG OH ???????? BILL AND ALICE !!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD I MISSED THEM !!!!!!!!! OH THE TEEN ANGST I LOVE BILL SM HE'S SUCH A GOOD DAD DEB ????WHY WOULD U HURT BABY ALICE LIKE THIS ???? "I MIGHT NEVER SEE DEB AGAIN" GOD ALICE CHILL OUT LET HER BE A PLAY WRITER BILL CMON "MY BUDDY PAUL" AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH BLINKY ??? I DONT TRUST THAT AT ALL FUCK NO JOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHNNNN I DONT TRUST HES CHARACTER THO OOOOHHH LOVE DISCOUNTS I DIDNT LIKE THE WORKER CALLING HER PRINCESS THO, SHES BILL'S DAUGHTER NOT YOURS OOOOOOHHHHHH NO OH NONONONOONO BILL IS GOING TO DIE I JUST KNOW IT BLINKY IS EVIL I CAN FEEL IT ALICE NO NO LITTERING WHORE JAMES !!!!!!!!!! ALICE IS ALSO GOING TO DIE MAYBE RIGHT NOW WHO KNOWS BLNKY WTF SHE IS A MINOR WTF AAAAAH I DONT LIKE IT HERE JAMES ILY BUT THIS CHARACTER IS CREEPY AS SHIT I DONT LIKE IT HAHAHAH TIGHT LOVE THEME PARK STUPID SHIRTS "I DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE FUNNY" HAHAHAHAH DROWSY TOWN ? THE CHAT PULLED MY ATTENTION TO THAT BUT I DONT GET WHY ? IS THIS BAD "I'D FOLLOW YOU ANYWHERE" THIS IS SUCH A DAD THING TO SAY OH ALICE CMON DONT SAY THAT BILL CUT IT OUT WITH DECIDING YOUR KIDS FUTURE THATS NOT FUN OH GOD I DONT TRUST THAT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO "AHOY BOYS AND GIRLS" NO NONONONONO UNCLE WILEY FUCK OFF THE SNIGGLES NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUUUUUUUUUCK NOOOOO AHHHHHHHHHHHHH "WE'RE THE SNIGGLES DONT BE SCARED" YOU KNOW WHAT SNIGGLES I AM SCARED BUT HELL YEAH SONG TIME OOOOOOOHHH FUCK IT UP JAMES OH ARE THEY GONNA LIKE GIVE THE AUDIENCE A SLEEP INDUCING DRUG OR SOMETHING ??????? "DONT BLINK" AHAHAHA I DONT TRUST THAT AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH "GREAT WE'RE DEAD" HAHAHAH THE SONG WAS A BOP THO "WHAT ARE THE SNIGGLES?" GREAT QUESTION ALICE "NOW U KNOW HOW I FELT WHEN I HAD TO SEAT THROUGH DEH" HAHHAHAHA "SEE U IN A SNIG" HAHAHA SNIGGLETTE ???U OKAY BBY??? OOOOOOOOHHH MORE SONGS HELL YEAH I LOVE ANGELA'S VOICE SM THE SNIGGLE PUNS ARE KINDA CONFUSING ME NGL WHY WAS THAT SO SAD OMG OOOOOOOH SHIT OH FUCK THEYRE GONNA KILL HER I JUST KNOW IT OMG "PRAISE THE WATCHER" OH MY GOD PLZ DONT KILL HER "UNTIL HE'S SEEN EVERYTHING" W H A T LAUREN'S VOICE SKSKSK SO CUTE PAPA SNIGGLE I DO NOT TRUST YOU THOSE ARE ALIVE ARENT THEY ????? OH FUCK SNIGGLETTE IS SHE OKAY ????????? "ANGELA R U ALRIGYT" WHAT "SHUT UP JEFF" OH MY GOD I DONT LIKE WHEN THEYRE SELF AWARE SKSKSKSK " U CAN SHUT THE HELL UP LAUREN" HAHAHAHA BILL OMG HE'S SUCH A DAD HAHAHAHAH ALICE IS SO NICE DO THEY NOT KNOW "ARON AROOON" HAHHAHA OH CHURROS I LOVE THOSE THE GIRL SHE DOESNT LIKE ?????? OH NON BINARY RIGHTS LOVE IT "IS THIS A FRIEND OF ZIGS" OH LOVE RESPECTFUL DAD DEB NOT COOL OH ALICE SHIT ALICE BBY IF SHES CHEATING ON YOU THATS NOT ON UR DAD STOP SHITTING ON HIM LIKE THIS "ITS UR MOTHERS FAULT" OH MY GOD HAHAHHAHA GREG AND ALISON ? AND BETH ?? DOES BETH LIKE HER ????OH NOOOOOO GREG NO U SHITTY SON OF A BITCH GOD FUCKING PUNCH HIM OH  NO HAHAHA FUCK NO THEYRE ALL POSESSED ARENT THEY THATS THE TEEN FROM THE MOVIE THEATER HAHAHHA "it lagged ;-; now we wait" A MAN IN A HURRY HAHAHAHHA OH SHIT BILL IS MAD IS HE POSESSED TOO ??????? OH SHIT WHATS HAPPENING BLINKY ????????? OH NO OH NO SHES GONNA HAVE A PANIC ATTACK THEYRE GONNA BE FINE RIGTH ??????? RIGHT ???? BREATHING EXERCISES BABY CMON OH NO PLZ DONT DO ANYTHING STUPID BILL NOOOOOOOOOOO BILL PLZ DONT DIE AGAIN I LOVE YOU SM PUT UR SEATBELT BACK ON PLZ NOOOOOOOOO OH THEYRE BOTH GOING TO FALL ARENT THEY OH NO OH MY GOD OH SHIT PHONE IS BROKEN OOPS AWN IM GONNA CRY PLZ LET THEM SURVIVE I BEG YOU NICK LANG OOOOOOOOH TWILIGHT BUT GAY I AM *HERE* FOR IT OOOOOH THANK GOD THEYRE SAFE THANK YOU NICK LANG BILL YOURE SUCH A GOOD DAD OH GOD SHIT ALICE CHILL OUT ITS JUST A PHONE BABE "SHE KNOWS IM WATCHING HER" I DONT TRUST THAT IS *SHE* POSESSED OR IS THIS JUST TEEN ANGST ALICE UR DAD IS TRYING HIS BEST PLZ CUT HIM SOME SLACK OH MARIAH TURNED HER CAMERA OFF OH DEAR GOD WHAT DOES THAT MEAN HAHAH I LOVE LIVE BLOOPS OH MY GOD BLINKY IS TERRIFYING FUCK NO DO NOT GET THAT WIGGLY JUNIOR BILL DONT HOW ??????? OH MARIAH IS BACK WHAT DOES THIS MEAN ??????? WHY CANT BILL GET THE MALLET THING DONT TAKE IT YES SMART LAUREN ? SKSKKSS WHAT MADAM IRIS I DO NOT TRUST YOU WHAT ?????? IS THAT ALICE'S PHONE ???? BILL DONT GET SCAMMED OH ITS AN ALL SEEING IPHONE ALICE CHILL PLZ IS HE GONNA DIE ????? PLZ NICK DONT DO THAT ALICE DONT DONT KILL UR DAD 49.95 AGAIN BILL PLZ TRY ANOTHER GAME JAMES DAMN THATS RUTHLESS BILL WHAT AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH IS THAT REAL ???????? IT CANT BE ??????? OH ITS NOT REAL ARE THEY MAKING THEM HATE THEIR FAMILIES AND KILL EACH OTHER ?? A TENDER KISS ON THE CHEEK FROM A DEMON HOW NICE GUYS PLZ JUST GO TO THERAPY I BEG U WHAT ARE U GONNA DO BILL? KICK HER HEAD ??????? (SORRY I HAD TO) BLINKY'S FUNHOUSE THAT SOUNDS WARM AND COMFORTING THIS IS LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF NOT UR SEED FIGHTING IN THE MIRROR PART OF A FUN HOUSE IS ALWAYS A GOOD HORROR MOVIE TROPE OH FUCK ARE THEY GONNA WAKE UP OH FUCK PLZ WAKE UP ESCAPE THIS ALIVE YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH OH SHES GONNA SHOOT HIM ISNT SHE ????? SHES GONNA SHOOT HIM I JUST KNOW IT HES AWAKE SHES NOT IS BLINKY GONNA KILL THEM ?? OOOOOOOOHHHHHH FUCK I KNEW IT OH HELL YEAH ALICE FUCK IT UP ARE THEY GONNA DROW ?? OH NO OKAY DID THEY SURVIVE ???? IS SHARED TRAUMA GONNA SAVE THEIR RELATIONSHIP SKSKSKKS THEY SURVIVED !!!!!!!!! THANK YOU NICK LANG (AGAIN) WAIT HOW DID SHE GET HER PHONE BACK ? OH MADAM IRIS DID GIVE HER PHONE BACK AWWNNNNNNNN ALICE THIS ONE HAD A HAPPY ENDING YAY WELL IG THE OTHER DID TOO BUT NOT FOR THE CHARACTERS WE KNEW

THIS WAS SO GOOD I LOVER STAKID !!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WISHED I WASNT BROKE SO I COULD PAY FOR THE NEXT ONES KSKSKSKSK WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU GUYS TO DO YOUR REACTIONS FOR THE NEXT ONES !!!

I HEARD GREG AND IT WAS CRAIG SKSKKSSK OOPS

*from this part on is reactions from after the show when starkid was answering questions from the chat*

YEEAAH VOTE FOR BIDEN HELL YEAH STARKID

"THE WITCH IN THE WEB" WEBBY ???????? DO WE GET TO SEE HANNAH AGAIN ?????

A THEORY ON TUMBLR FROM REDDIT ON A INSTAGRAM ACC ON YT OH MY GOD SKSKSKSKKS

THE STORIES ARE CANON !!!!!!!!! THEORIES LETS GO GANG

STARKID FANS WHO CAN DONATE TO STARKID PLZ DO I WISH I COULD DONATE TO THESE TALENTED PPL G O D

I WAS CORRECT IT WAS KONK WITH A K

NERDY PRUDES MUST DIE YES!!!!!! WORKING BOYS !!!!

"NICK LANG IS A BOSS"

MARIAH: SAYS FUCK AS ALICE ALSO MARIAH: GEEKED THE *FREAKED* OUT

TIP JAR HAS BEEN OUT FOR 11 YEARS HELL YEAH

HOW TF DO YOU SPELL ZIGGS BTW

OOOHHH THEYRE FAKE THAT MAKES SENSE OK NOT FAKE COMFIRMED BUT PROBABLY FAKE LETS HOPE DEB DIDNT ACTUALLY CHEAT

"WELL I WAS BORN IN 1989" HAHAHAHA

BECKY CLIMBED WHILE RUNNING FROM HER HUSBAND I FEEL LIKE THATS WHAT THATS ABOUT

OH GOODIE I GET TO WATCH THEM LATER IDK WHEN BUT AT LEAST IK SOMEDAY

BLINKY VS WIGGLY

OH CMON NICK I WANTED TO KNOW ;-;

THIS WAS SO NICE I MISSED THEM ;-;

[aion-rsa]

The 25 Best SNL Holiday Sketches

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

The holidays are a special time around 30 Rock. While tourists flock to see the towering Christmas tree, the Saturday Night Live writers room is busy thinking of holiday sketches you’ll reminisce about as you put up the stockings for years to come. Some of SNL’s all-time great sketches illustrate the best of the holiday spirit or lack thereof as show’s biggest stars often shined the brightest just before the New Year. 

From unlikely Santas to unorthodox gift-giving, we’re looking at 25 of our favorite Saturday Night Live holiday sketches. We’ll be going in chronological order here. There is a big dose of modern stuff in there, but what can I say? The show might be more miss than hit these days, but they really hit it out of the park year after year with the Christmas sketches.

Santi-Wrap (1976)

Very early in the show’s run, we get this classic where an adult woman (Laraine Newman) is all about sitting on Santa’s lap like when she was a little kid. The initial laugh is that before sitting down, she puts pieces of toilet paper on Santa’s leg for protection, like one would do in a public bathroom. Dan Aykroyd, her companion on this trip, seems shocked by this. Not that she’s trying to protect herself from germs, but because she’s not going far enough!

Suddenly, it turns out to be a commercial for Santi-Wrap, a festive and plasticky take on toilet seat covers. Not only do those two sell the product concept so well, but John Belushi as the mall Santa pushes it further by coming off as a complete disaster of a man who is probably riddled with disease.

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One of the show’s all-time best line deliveries is Belushi’s drunken, “Ho ho ho…” which has both defiant gusto and the sense that he’s seconds away from vomiting all over himself.

Mr. Robinson’s Christmas (1984)

Saturday Night Live has been a stepping stone to superstardom ever since Chevy Chase became a household name during its first season. In the 80s, Eddie Murphy’s recurring roles on SNL helped raise his profile as he eventually became one of, if not the biggest star of the decade. It was around Christmas time when Murphy’s spin on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood became one of the sketches that came to define his tenure at Studio 8H.

Mr. Robinson’s neighborhood isn’t quite as nice as Mister Rogers’ but at Christmas time you have to make the best with what you have. Mr. Robinson was able to do that with a chunk of lettuce and a headless doll and Murphy was able to make the most of every opportunity he had on SNL.

It’s a Wonderful Life: The Lost Ending (1986)

If you’ve seen the 1946 American Christmas classic It’s A Wonderful Life, odds are you’ve been inspired by its heart-warming ending. Thanks to SNL and host William Shatner, we now have footage of the “fabled” lost ending to Frank Capra’s Christmas epic and it’s anything but heartwarming. Rather than end the film with everyone coming to George Bailey’s aid in his time of need and celebrating his lifetime of selflessness and kindness, it decides to give Mr. Potter a fate more explicit than being doomed to failure and loneliness. Phil Hartman pops in as Uncle Billy and not only remembers what happened to the missing money, but knows exactly who has it!

Dana Carvey makes the sketch as a George Bailey hell-bent on revenge. It just wouldn’t be Christmas without seeing him give Mr. Potter a beat down alongside his bloodthirsty loved ones.

Master Thespian Plays Santa Claus (1987)

Jon Lovitz’s characters were usually very hammy by design. Whether he was a pathological liar or the Devil himself, he always went to 11. One of his better recurring characters was Master Thespian, a scene-chewing Shakespearean actor who takes himself and his roles far too seriously.

In this installment, he would be playing the role of a mall Santa Claus.

Thespian doesn’t seem to have heard of Santa, but he’s down for the part. Finding out that there’s no actual script, he improvises and figures out the character via making mistakes and getting scolded by the Macy’s manager (played by Phil Hartman, choosing to base his performance on Frank Nelson because why not). To his surprise, Santa Claus actually LIKES children! These are notes a performer needs to know, man!

Seeing him play off the kids and Hartman is a blast. Speaking of which, one of the better gags is a fart joke that somehow proves how great an actor Master Thespian truly is. THANK YOUUUUUU!

Hanukkah Harry (1989)

Santa Claus (Phil Hartman) is violently ill with the flu, so it seems Christmas might be cancelled. Luckily, there is one man capable of fulfilling his obligations through the same kind of holiday magic. Hanukkah Harry (Jon Lovitz), Santa’s Jewish counterpart, is called in to help.

At its core, it’s a lengthy sketch about Jewish jokes and how lame Hanukkah is outside of it lasting eight days. Springing off of that, it actually makes for a really good, if a little touching, holiday story. There are definite laughs in there, but what was created to be a parody hits a little too close and becomes a genuine gem celebrating both holidays and the spirit of togetherness.

“On Moishe! On Herschel! On Schlomo!”

Motivational Santa (1993)

What started as a pep talk for troubled teens turned into Chris Farley’s iconic recurring character. Matt Foley, the thrice-divorced, sweaty, overweight man who lived in a van down by the river, crashed into our living rooms in 1993 and remained a fixture on SNL until Farley was fired from the show in 1995.

Sometimes a sketch is so successful that the writers are almost forced to bring one or more of its characters around again and Matt Foley was no exception. In one of the funnier times Matt Foley returned, he was hired to spread Christmas cheer as a motivational mall Santa, offering up this gem:

“‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the van Your ol’ buddy Matt fell asleep on the can. His children were nestled two time zones away, With his first wife and her husband, in sunny L.A. Matt woke up and realized with a chill and a quiver That he was living in a van down by the river!“

Though many of the same jokes and physical gags are recycled, Farley’s effort, from the painfully high pitch of his voice to crashing down the chimney, earns the Motivational Santa a place in SNL Christmas lore. 

Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song (1994)

Yes, we’ve heard Adam Sandler’s “The Hanukkah Song” a million times over, but we shouldn’t let that cloud our judgement. It’s one of the first clips that pops into your head when you think “SNL Holiday Sketches” and it will go down as a landmark moment when the history of “Weekend Update” is written 200 years from now. Sandler didn’t use his time to evoke images of being a Jew at Christmas, rather he chose to praise the Festival of Lights and name-drop all the famous people who celebrate it. Since debuting the song in 1994, Sandler’s updated it for his comedy albums and standup routine and given Jewish kids something other than “The Dreidel Song” to belt during during the holidays. Sandler’s clever, original moment is about as influential as it gets for any not-ready-for-prime time player.

It did lead to the movie Eight Crazy Nights, so it isn’t free from sin.

TV Funhouse: Fun with Real Audio (1997)

It’s rare for SNL to get poignant, but here’s a fantastic example. In this animated short, Jesus Christ returns to Earth and spends the first opening minutes being ignored and shoved into the background for disagreeing with televangelists who use his name to line their pockets with donations or to justify their hatred of homosexuals. These bits are, of course, animated over actual audio of said real life sociopaths. Jesus is able to give them their just desserts with his divine magic, but it bums him out.

Walking the city streets, unnoticed by the public at large, Jesus watches Christmas-themed TV through a store window and is disappointed with what he sees. That is, until he comes across Linus’ speech at the end of A Charlie Brown Christmas and we get a final moment that’s adorable, uplifting, and pretty hilarious.

NPR’S Delicious Dish: Schweddy Balls (1998)

The dry, NPR-host banter between Ana Gasteyer’s Margaret Jo McCullen — who cheerfully admits that she leaves tap water and rice out for Santa because “Christmas foods really wreak havoc on the ol’ digestive system” — and Molly Shannon’s Teri Rialto as they discuss delectable Yuletide “balls” with Alec Baldwin’s Pete Schweddy is a can’t-miss skit. The trio makes monotone an art form, while remaining dedicated to the naivety of the characters involved. (In response to Alec Baldwin’s, “But the thing I most like to bring out this time of year are my balls,” their faces barely twitch.) It’s double entendre at its finest, and never fails to leave me in stitches.

Pete Schweddy returned in another episode where he introduced the women to his hotdogs, but having them show so much interest in putting his wiener in their mouths was a little too easy a joke to pull off.

I Wish It Was Christmas Today (2000-the heat death of the universe)

On one December episode, there was a short segment of Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan playing a catchy, albeit incredibly stupid song about Christmas being on the way. Sanz played a skinny guitar while singing, Fallon occasionally pressed an elephant noise button on the keyboard, Kattan held the keyboard while shaking his head, and Morgan danced with a look on his face like he got dragged on stage against his will. It was silly and would have probably been forgotten soon after.

Instead, they returned a week later and insisted on playing it again despite being explicitly told not to. Soon they would start playing it during non-December months to show Christmas’ superiority over other holidays. After Simon Cowell insulted the group, he sheepishly agreed that he wanted to join them and broke out some maracas. One year, when Sanz was the only one left in the cast, he replaced his buddies with Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, and Animal while Kermit the Frog danced in a way that you have to wonder if a Muppet is capable of snorting coke.

The song still gets brought out now and then, usually on Fallon’s show. It’s even been covered by Julian Casablancas and Cheap Trick of all people!

They did sing a completely different Christmas song one time, but nobody cared.

Glengarry Glen Elf: Christmas Motivation (2005)

Alec Baldwin seems to be the go-to host for classic Christmas sketches. Playing on his iconic Glengarry Glen Ross character Blake, Baldwin (in a way) reprises the role as 615-year-old “elf from the home office” sent to straighten out the subpar work of Santa’s elves. There couldn’t have been a more perfect break in character than when Baldwin says “Always Be Closing” instead of “Always Be Cobbling” as scripted. It’s a slip-up that makes for a perfect holiday sketch, full of deep-bellied laughs. 

TV Funhouse: Christmastime for the Jews (2005)

Not only is the witty “Christmas for the Jews” written by comedy legend Robert Smigel, but it’s sung by David Letterman’s Christmas angel Darlene Love. In “Christmas for the Jews,” the characters see “Fiddler on the Roof,” grab an early dinner, and enjoy dreamland Daily Show reruns. It’s an intriguing and catchy look at the other side of the Christmas season, complete with a very Rankin-Bass animation style.

Digital Short: Dick in a Box (2006)

Justin Timberlake is one of the most entertaining, versatile hosts that SNL has been gifted. A member of their prestigious Five-Timers Club, “Dick in a Box” is Timberlake’s most memorable sketch, filled with skeevy, disgusting come-ons from Andy Samberg and Timberlake, which has been viewed just millions and millions of times. In 2006, Timberlake had already impressed critics and viewers alike with his acting range in Alpha Dog, but his comedic turns on SNL solidified him as an actor. Timberlake has done a lot of impressive things in his time as an entertainer, but there are few more enjoyable (or laughable) than “Dick in a Box.”

These two R&B weirdos would return later on to sleep with each other’s moms as reciprocated Mother’s Day presents and later swear that being in a two-guy/one-girl three-way isn’t considered gay.

John Malkovich Reads ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (2008)

As quipped by the man himself, no one emits Christmas spirit quite like John Malkovich. This admission yields the self-reflexive irony of Malkovich reading “The Night Before Christmas” to the children of SNL’s staff. Malkovich, pausing during his reading of the holiday classic, asks the children about the suicide rate rising during the holidays, talking about how shooting a home invader in California is “perfectly legal,” musing about how the tonnage of Santa’s sleigh and reindeer would (scientifically speaking) burst into flames, how in Portugal their version of Saint Nicholas steals children’s toes, as well as reciting the gem: “You know what they say about hopes; they’re what we cling to when reality has left us nothing else.” If you’re in a lighthearted Christmas mood, Malkovich’s monologue is certainly one to enjoy.

Stefon on Holiday Travel (2010)

Bill Hader was highly respected for his versatility and range during his time at SNL, but it was his improvisational skills that turned a Weekend Update bit into a must-see recurring segment. Stefon, likely the defining character for SNL during the 2010s thus far, informed New Yorkers and tourists alike of the city’s hottest nightclubs – with Hader almost always breaking down in laughter as his cue cards were frequently changed from the rehearsal to throw him off.

Stefon knew how to get weird and you can imagine he’d save some fun things for the a “classic New York holiday.” Make sure to check out the Lower, Lower East Side dump hosted by Tranderson Cooper or find a club with the right amount of Puerto Rican Screeches or Gay Aladdins. Just don’t run over the Human Parking Cones.

Stefon would return with more Christmastime insight three years later, where he’d discuss a club called [loud Tauntaun noises], founded by Jewish cartoon character Menorah the Explorer.

Under-Underground Crunkmas Karnival (2010)

Good God, I wish there were more Under-Underground Records sketches. As a parody of the Gathering of the Juggalos, we’d regularly see DJ Supersoak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) excitedly talk up huge concert events that are needlessly violent and inexplicable in their randomness. For instance, there’s the Crunkmas Karnival, which features such musical acts as Dump, Boys II Dicks, Scrotum Fire, and…Third Eye Blind for some reason.

It’s just a bunch of loud humor that goes back and forth between being stupidly hardcore and being meekly out of left field. Yes, you can go check out a “dong tug-of-war,” but you can also see a special 2D screening of the Owls of Ga’hoole or meet Spaceballs star Pizza the Hut. Not to mention the return of their most fondly remembered running gag, the endless undying and dying of Ass Dan.

This Christmas-based event will take place in February. Sounds about right.

Ornaments (2011)

Every now and then, SNL will do a sketch towards the end of the show where the guest will talk about whichever holiday is coming up and awkwardly go into one of the aspects of it, such as Easter eggs or Halloween candy. In this instance, it’s Steve Buscemi unloading a box of Christmas ornaments and commenting on each one. All the while, Kristen Wiig plays Sheila, his girlfriend who appears to be more than a little off and doesn’t quite grasp tree decorating.

Buscemi’s descriptions range from delightful non-humor to outlandish and disturbing. He might make an intentionally lame joke about one ornament before holding up another and matter-of-factly letting you know that, “I put this one up my butt.”

And somehow he’s still the straight man in this bit.

You’re a Rat Bastard Charlie Brown (2012)

This sketch is centered on Bill Hader playing Al Pacino, playing Charlie Brown. The rest of the cast turns out bang-up impressions as well: Jason Sudeikis playing Philip Seymour Hoffman playing Pigpen, Kate McKinnon as Edie Falco playing Lucy (as Charlie Brown’s drug peddling therapist, causing a holiday-blues Charlie to say, “Oh yeah…I want something to take me sky high!”), Martin Short playing Larry David playing Linus, Taran Killam doing Michael Keaton as Schroeder, and Cecily Strong as Fran Drescher as Charlie Brown’s mother, all performed in front of a baffled childhood audience.

For anyone who grew up watching Charlie Brown and Co., watching Bill Hader/Al Pacino/Charlie Brown unleash the expletive-laden “You’re gonna hold that f***ing football?!” towards Kate McKinnion/Edie Falco/Lucy, and saying, “Ow, you bitch!” after she pulls it away is absolutely to die for.

Jebidiah Atkinson on Holiday Movies (2013)

For a time, Taran Killam played Jebidiah Atkinson, a Weekend Update character based on how an old newspaper editorial was discovered that panned Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. Atkinson, somehow still alive, would appear and read review snippets about other big speeches he hated.

One of his return appearances had him discuss holiday specials and movies. Every single one of them he hates. Every single one of them gets roasted. His vicious energy is so over-the-top that the good jokes land and the bad jokes still get a laugh from the misplaced confidence. Over these several minutes, he screams about how much of a depressing bore A Charlie Brown Christmas is, how the Grinch stole a half hour of his life, and how every time they play It’s a Wonderful Life, an angel blows its brains out.

This one is admittedly a bit dated with its biggest joke, where his distaste for Snoopy is so great that he wishes Family Guy killed him off instead of Brian. The horror from the audience still makes it worth it.

St. Joseph’s Christmas Mass Spectacular (2014)

Ah, Christmas Mass. The drum solo for every childhood during Christmas time. It’s uncomfortable and especially boring. Ergo, liven it up by framing it as a big, in-your-face event via what amounts to a monster truck rally commercial!

It’s a brilliant use of contrast. Take an event that is so mundane with so many familiar and shared experiences and treat it like it’s some extreme thing. The familiarity of the pastor making corny jokes that get the most minor of laughs is treated like a once-in-a-lifetime event. It shines a light on the weird tics of the prominent people you see at church and feels amazingly universal.

The SNL cast is fantastic here, but the MVP is Cecily Strong as the middle-age woman who is way into doing a reading in the loudest, most overly articulate speaking voice possible.

Sump’N Claus (2014)

Getting gifts from Santa Claus is great and all, but when you grow up, you realize how hard it truly is to be nice all year round. Luckily, there’s an alternative. Introduced via an extremely catchy song, we meet Sump’n Claus (Keenan Thompson), a pimp-like offshoot of Santa who not only used to work for St. Nick, but also appears to have some dirt on him.

Sump’n Claus sings several verses about people who have had breakdowns and would be thrown onto the naughty list. Sump’n Claus doesn’t care about that. You be you. Every December, he’ll still be there to hand you an envelope full of twenties and fifties. He’s the holiday mascot for adults, basically.

One of the highlights is how he mentions that Santa is not your friend as friends don’t watch you while you’re sleeping.

The Christmas Candle (2016)

Christmas has been saved by many different things: ghosts who see through time, an angel trying to earn his wings, a reindeer’s glowing nose, New Yorkers singing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” and so on. Then again, sometimes you need a savior for something with lower stakes.

In the form of a mid-1990s all ladies group that gives me kind of a Celine Dion vibe, we’re given a wonderful song that starts with the tale of a woman who had to get a coworker a gift for Secret Santa. She found an old peach candle in her closet and just gave her that. The second verse is a similar situation where not only is a peach candle given as a throwaway gift to an acquaintance, but it’s THE SAME candle. Yes, somehow this one peach candle is re-gifted across the globe through latter December by women and gay men who couldn’t be bothered to put thought into their presents.

Truly a miracle.

First Impression (2018)

Beck Bennett plays a guy about to finally meet his girlfriend’s (Melissa Villaseñor) parents and he’s nervous as hell. She assures him that he’ll be fine, but he really wants to impress them. Sure enough, he tries to impress them in the weirdest way by hiding somewhere in the house and speaking in a high-pitched voice in order to dare them to find him. Her parents (Jason Momoa and Heidi Gardner) are notably confused, as is she.

It’s already a strange and silly bit, but Jason Momoa shifts it into gear by suddenly being COMPLETELY into it. Removing his jacket with purpose, Momoa excitedly starts searching the house for this guy. The fact that Momoa is playing an overweight 60-year-old man is enough of a novelty, but he brings this oddball zest to the role as he starts to literally tear the home to pieces in order to get a look at his daughter’s elusive boyfriend.

The boyfriend’s plans here are both overly complicated and half-baked, culminating in an ending that’s as happy as it’s inexplicable and off-putting.

North Pole News Report (2019)

When Eddie Murphy returned to SNL, there was much fanfare. A completely solid episode, it admittedly spent too much of its runtime revisiting his old recurring classics like Mr. Robinson, Gumby, and Velvet Jones. The final sketch of the night goes full blast with his manic energy as he plays an elf eyewitness on the elf news, screaming bloody murder about a horrible tragedy. Mikey Day is reporter Donny Chestnut, looking at the destruction of a toy factory. As he tries to make heads or tails of what’s going on, Murphy bursts onto the scene, screaming about a polar bear attacking the elves and eating them like Skittles. And just screaming in general.

The best line comes from the elf (who keeps declaring, “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT MY NAME IS!”) bringing over one of the survivors, and noting that, “This white, teenage elf girl ran out here, straight up to me – a black elf in sweatpants – and asked me to keep her safe. That’s how bad it is!” Despite this elf being right about the situation, Donny Chestnut keeps trying to sideline him for being increasingly erratic about Santa’s potential role in the slaughter and what it means for Christmas. Even as he trips over some of his lines, Eddie Murphy is so damn precious here.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

December to Remember Car Commercial (2020)

It might be in bad form to include a sketch from this very year, but man, this joke is not only long overdue, but the acting is top notch. Heidi Gardner’s barely repressed rage is something special.

You’ve seen the commercial a million times. It’s Christmas morning and someone reveals a brand new car to a loved one. As part of Lexus’ December to Remember, Beck Bennett reveals a brand new Lexus with a giant bow to his wife (Gardner) and their son (Timothée Chalamet). What initially appears as shock turns out to be fury and confusion over what is a selfish and short-sighted decision. Buying a car is a huge deal and isn’t something you don’t tell your significant other. More than that, Bennett’s character hasn’t been employed for about a year and a half and has no way of affording such a thing. The thread is pulled away, unraveling both how much of an idiot he is and how doomed their family life happens to be.

Then neighbor Mikey Day shows up and it hits another level. Beck Bennett is the expert at playing guys with misplaced confidence who haven’t come close to thinking things through.

The post The 25 Best SNL Holiday Sketches appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[tessatechaitea]

New Titans #112

Don't you worry your pretty little head about Red Star's right leg.

I keep trying to organize my life so that I can read more actual books (as opposed to comic books which I'm not judging. I'm just differentiating) without having to sacrifice any of the other things I enjoy doing. What that generally means is that I wind up reading about ten pages every morning before going to bed (I work nights!). Which realistically means I need to do improve my time management if I'm going to be serious about reading. I have managed to read the first "book" of Alan Moore's Jerusalem but it's taken me a fucking long time to do it. I thought it would take me a long time because I was expecting a difficult read but I'm finding it enjoyable. Plus by the time I've finished, I'm fairly certain I'll be able to navigate Northampton with ease. I'm also wondering if all the descriptions of the characters' movements through the city are an encoded treasure map! Or, being that Alan Moore wrote it, it's more likely a spell to summon some sex demons. While organizing (and by organizing, I mean the main definition of organizing: moving shit around in a way that makes you feel like you're accomplishing something but really you're just engaging in an activity to forget about your mortality for awhile. Plus you can generally get some really fucking good dusting done), I managed to place all of the books from various book shelves that I have yet to finish reading (or that I simply want to reread) on the top shelf of the row of bookcases in my office. Jerusalem is first on that list followed by some books by high school friends (Rogue's Curse by Jason Beymer and Soy Rakelson's children's books that I'm willing to bet everything I own as well as my life and my mother's life on that they're black and white morality tales with a super conservative and possibly Ayn Randian view of the world). After that is There Is No Year which Doom Bunny gave me because it's supposedly a terrible book that I'm not sure he even finished and which I wanted to make fun of (but, hey, maybe I'll love it!) and the rest: Inside the Yellow Submarine, Trixie Belden Mystery-Quiz Book #1, Don Quixote, Gravity's Rainbow, Lost in the Funhouse (reread!), A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, And the Ass Saw the Angel (by Nick Cave!), King's The Wind Through the Keyhole (A Dark Tower book!), Crime and Punishment, Hey Nostradamus!, The Best of H.P. Lovecraft, The Lore and Language of Schoolchildren, The Boomer Bible (re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-read), Six Volumes of The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night (finished with one and a half volumes after owning this set for twenty five years!), The Holy Bible (currently reading for my Patreon), The Norton Anthology of Modern Poetry (Second Edition) (because I need poetic context for the 20th century!), Only Revolutions, The Exegesis of Philip K. Dick, and The Familiar (currently just book one but there's going to be like nine hundred of them, so maybe I won't even bother!). Oh, and I just added We Learn Nothing (reread) and I Wrote This Book Because I Love You, both by Tim Kreider. I'll probably start with those because funny essays are easier to get through than anything by Dostoevsky, Danielewski, Pynchon, Cervantes, Barth, Joyce, or Sakelson! I mean Rakelson! Oh man. Rakelson would have a stroke if he knew I listed his name with all those postmodern authors! Not that they're all postmodern. You can figure out which ones are and aren't on your own. I'm busy reading New Titans #112 which must be good since Starfire is naked on the cover. Okay, almost naked. She is wearing a dickie and a belt. I know a lot of you just skipped that big paragraph while thinking, "Oh, la dee da! What a fancy book reader you are! Fucking virtue signaler! Or whatever the term for listing or showing off your reading list full of classic literary texts is! Seems like virtue signaler works well enough! Better even than what idiotic fuck nuggets use it for on Twitter anyway!" But maybe you missed the part about how those are books I haven't been able to get through yet! I've owned some of these books for over a decade! And I didn't even put The Collected Works of Gertrude Stein on this shelf because do I need to be reminded that I used that book more as an address book than something to read? Although I carried it with me everywhere I went for a year or two (which is why it's full of phone numbers and addresses!). And I really did want to read it. I didn't carry it around so people could think, "Look at him with that book! Who the fuck is Gertrude Stein? What a ponce!" Although to be fair, I did leave off a few books on my "to-read" shelf! But it wasn't because they weren't smart enough sounding! It's because they were comic books and also pornography and also also fucking hilarious.

One of my friends in the state department who learns a brand new language every four years or so bonded with me over Oglaf last time he visited. He was all, "I'm glad I know somebody I can share my love of Oglaf with and not be looked at like a completely demented perv!" Although I do look at him like he's a completely demented perv, I didn't need to admit it to his face!

I embrace my delusion that readers merely skipped "one" paragraph of my comic book "reviews"! This issue is called "A New Home" and my brain continued to add to that title with "o-erotic Journey." Mostly because of this panel:

Fairly certain "bamming" a baby is illegal, even in space.

The Titans (and I use that term loosely since the characters encompassed by that shorthand are Changeling, Red Star, Pantha, Baby, and Starfire) have been stranded on The Terraist's space station. That name probably could use a hyphen so you don't first read it as terRAIST twelve times thinking "What the fuck does that mean?" before your brain finally sees the God-awful pun and you give up, finally letting go of that last gossamer thread that's been connecting you to the reality you just discovered doesn't fucking matter. How can there be any meaning to existence when an editor greenlights the name "Terraist"? I'm sure Wolfman's pitch contained at least two dozen "Get it?!"s. Anyway, maybe most readers never even noticed, shrugging their shoulders at every single moment in which a comic book doesn't make sense because at least Starfire is practically naked throughout the last few issues! I have a theory that most people don't really absorb much of what they're reading in comic books. They tend to just love a character for some magic reason and stick with loving that character no matter what terrible writer winds up writing them. And at that point, they just ignore plot holes and inconsistencies and terrible dialogue and whatever the fuck Ann Nocenti does with her typewriter. They simply go star-eyed and gape lovingly at the drawn images of Dick Grayson's throbbing buttocks. That was a hypothetical sentence and not a memoir. Here's a panel with evidence that might lead to proof of my theory if I could actually interview anybody who read this comic book in 1994 and ask them, "Did you even notice this panel?" To which they would all probably respond, "No, I was distracted by the opposite page where you can see tons of Starfire's side-boob and I think one of her outer labia." Um, anyway, the panel I mentioned:

Damn, Marv. Beyond the Forest was nearly fifty years old at the time this comic came out.

To be fair to Wolfman and Changeling, I did an Internet search on "Whatta dump" (and, yes, I spelled it differently than Marv did) and the first hit was video of the scene where Bette Davis says the line. What's odd is that she delivers it flatter and straighter than anything I would have expected out of Bette Davis's eyes...I mean mouth. Gar's rendition of it is terrible! The way Bette says it, I would never think to spell it any way but "What a dump." But that's not the point! The point is how is "What a dump!" a immortal words?! Granted, you're probably now thinking to yourself, "Well, how did X and Y and Z become oft-quoted movie lines?!" (where X and Y and Z are actual phrases from movies and not just letters. But I'm not psychic so how should I know what terrible oft-quoted movie lines you were thinking of? Mine would have been "Seven schools in seven states and the only different is my locker combination" or "William H. Bonny. You are not a god?" "Why don't you pull the trigger and find out?" or "Ziggy Piggy! Ziggy Piggy! Ziggy Piggy! Ziggy Piggy!") I suppose one can't help what phrases the zeitgeist picks up on. According to the YouTube video of Bette Davis, "What a dump" is Bette's famous bitchy line from that movie I'd never heard of. I guess I just haven't traveled in the right circles! Although I have heard the phrase "What a dump!" Has everybody in the world been quoting Bette Davis all this time and I just didn't know it?! Was this movie the first time that phrase was ever uttered?! To think I could have known all of this if I hadn't been distracted by Starfire's side-boob and — I'm fairly certain — one of her outer labia. To shut Gar up, Starfire admits that she doesn't remember any of them and then she punches Pantha in her vagina.

Starfire punching Pantha in the vagina is funnier than anything that Pantha has said in the last forty issues.

After punching Pantha in the vagina, Starfire knees Red Star in the balls for no reason. Unless the reason is that she's been wanting to do that for a long time and her pretend amnesia allows her this moment! I suppose I'd fake amnesia too to get away from being a Titan. I've been joking about seeing Starfire's outer labia but is this it? Is that one of those things?

Is my boner proof that it's her labia or is my boner proof that I'm a comic book reading virgin nerd?

I can't wait for everybody to message me telling me how that can't be her outer labia because that's not where it would be and anyway this photographic proof I'm sending you is what one looks like! Then I can actually them and say, "Well, you can't know that for sure! She's an alien and maybe her outer labia is fully engorged due to Pantha back-fucking her!" Also I'd really enjoy some of that photographic evidence!

This is not what I would do with those photographs.

Garfield turns into another monster because he can't do birds and rhinos anymore. He lies on top of Starfire and then reveals something that destroys every moment in DC canon where Garfield turned into a rhino to knock some hugely muscled bad guy on their ass. He tells Red Star, "Hey, I may be big and ugly but my mass doesn't change! I'm not as strong as she is!" Well fuck me! The whole concept of Beast Boy has been based on a huge lie! Or at least scientific principles that make the character utterly worthless. Why the fuck would he ever change into a huge beast if his mass doesn't change? Wouldn't he always change into something small and fast to be most effective?! This revelation is one of those moments where DC tries to make their universe more logical but only winds up fucking up the entire multiverse. Red Star and Changeling knock Starfire unconscious and then tie her up which probably isn't totally rapey at all, even if the artist draws it that way.

Yep. Everything is just fine here! Move along.

Meanwhile on Earth, Arsenal, Aqualad, and Flash consider a proposal from the United States government to get the Titans to work for them. They consider it over a couple waters at a local strip club named Ding Dong Daddy's." I mean, the comic book calls it a "retro club" but everybody either gets a private lap dance or laid. It's hard to tell what Marv Wolfman was going for with this scene. Proof that the young cool Titan men fuck? Proof that women are only to provide relief for men's sexual desires? Proof that Aqualad should maybe think twice before saying "Hey guys! We came together!" when women are throwing their vaginas at them?

How long does Aqualad think a lap dance takes?

Back in space while the reader was away, Red Star and Changeling have managed to put a gag on Starfire and tie her legs together. That makes things less rapey, right? If not, I'm sure Marv will improve the situation in a sensitive and professional manner!

Oh come on!

Starfire remembers everything while Changeling whines about how he didn't get to kiss Starfire while she was tied up and scared and beaten and suffering from amnesia. Poor kid! Maybe next time! After regaining her memory, Starfire says, "X'hal! That was dick I saw in South America!" and I snicker like a twelve year old. The first decision Starfire makes after regaining her memory is that she and Dick should get their marriage annulled, if it even took which I'm pretty sure it didn't. If you were a fan of reading the letters pages, whoever the letter answer person was constantly kept pointing out that they couldn't be married because the priest blew up before he could say they were man and wife. But now Wolfman provides more evidence like how no paper work was filed and nobody signed anything (although don't you sign the papers before the ceremony?) Anyway, they're not married and probably never will be if the last twenty five years of reading comic books has taught me anything!

Snicker!

Baby has an idea to use The Terraist's satellite as their new headquarters and the government is all, "Okay! But you have to work with us on a minimum number of yearly missions!" And Roy Harper is all, "That number is zero!" And the government is all, "Yes sir! What a deal! We will pay you a salary, give you the satellite, and get nothing in return! Let's shake on it!"

Who the fuck is wearing The Flash's costume?! First appearance of New 52 Wally West?

The epilogue reveals Raven needs to rape the Titans so that they'll all give birth to Trigon's children. So it should be a fun few final issues before either this comic book was cancelled or I finally recovered my sanity and simply stopped buying it. New Titans #112 Rating: B. It was all kinds of stupid but I enjoyed making fun of it!

[wanderingstoryteller]

New Elite Specs: My Thoughts

Another weekend, another demo! There’s no new lore to overanalyze, unfortunately, but we did get access to the new Elite Specializations. And I, naturally, spent the whole weekend fooling around with them. 

Now, as someone who traditionally sucks at PvP... this was a tough time for me. I spent the past three days being repeatedly punched, stabbed, shot, burned, kicked, and... whatever it is Mirages do. But I suffered bravely through all of it, for you, my dear followers. So that I might bring you my firsthand thoughts on the new specs. 

I’m not exactly an expert on these things (I’m more of a lore guy), but I did throw a lot of time into the demo, and spent at least a couple hours on every class. If you were indisposed this weekend, you might find these hot takes useful. Without further ado... 

Do you enjoy being delightfully confused? Wondrously confounded? Kicking someone’s ass without having any idea how you pulled it off? Then good news, friend -- The Weaver is the class for you!

With the attunement system, Elementalists like myself have always had a ridiculous number of skills. Now, with the addition of a sword and the ability to mix and match different elements, Arenanet’s added about two dozen more. Want a crazy amount of damage? Use Fire and Air skills at the same time! Want to be a nigh-unkillable tank instead? Mix Earth and Water, baby! This is the Elementalist on steroids, with even more versatility than the base class.

I only played for a few hours, and didn’t even scratch the surface of what the Weaver can do. I leaned hard into the “nigh-unkillable tank” option, and the end result is a class that just Will. Not. Die. And I’m not even playing it properly -- I’m just throwing out random spells and hoping I don’t get crushed. In the hands of someone that actually knows how to play PvP, this thing will be a holy terror. 

Of all the new specs, this is the one I’m most excited to play in the open world. The possibilities are endless, and I really, really love my new sword. 

The Deadeye, it turns out, wasn’t nearly as OP as everyone said it would be. While the idea of a Thief getting a long-range sniper rifle might be pretty scary on paper, remember that it’s only effective when it’s used at long range. The rifle’s best abilities require you to be immobile. Once the enemy closes the ground and you’re forced to move, you sacrifice all that raw damage and become just another glass-cannon Thief.

That doesn’t mean the Deadeye’s not dangerous, though -- not if you’re thinking a few steps ahead. After experimenting a bit, I realized that the Deadeye excels at hit and run tactics. Seek out a 1v1 between evenly-matched players and shoot the enemy in the back. Capture an unguarded point and lay in wait for the first unsuspecting victim that tries to reclaim it. Bring someone down with the burst damage and run like hell... leaving a Needle Trap behind for your victim’s overeager teammates.

All the mobility of a Thief, now with an absurdly long-range weapon. Deadeyes aren’t invincible (especially once you start to plan around them), but it’s a lethal combination once you figure out some clever ways to exploit these advantages. More importantly, though, it’s fun. Of all the Specs they released, this one might just be my favorite. 

So... if the Deadeye isn’t the most OP thing since sliced bread, the question remains: “What is?” To answer that query, please put your hands together for the bane of my existence this past weekend... The Holosmith.

The Holosmith is, to put it simply, a living can of Red Bull that’s been chugging twelve-packs of Sunny D. Fight one head-on, and you’ll be locked into a neverending chain of pulls and knockbacks, being kicked helplessly from one end of the arena to another while receiving absurb amounts of damage. Now, this is supposed to have drawbacks -- if a Holosmith goes on like this for too long, they’ll get overloaded and eventually start doing damage to themselves. But trust me, you’ll be dead long before that becomes a problem for them.

It takes a while to figure out this class, because like all things Engineer, it’s pretty complicated. But once you do, you’ll be nigh unstoppable. Most encounters will be over quickly thanks to the front-loaded burst damage, but if the battle drags on, Holosmiths bring plenty of survivability to the table. Utility skills like Spectrum Shield and Hardlight Arena make Holosmiths hard to take out in an even fight. 

Enjoy it while you can, guys, because as awesome as the Holosmith is, it’ll be nerfed into the ground within a matter of weeks. 

The Scourge was... I’m honestly not sure what I think, actually. Necromancers got a lot of cool toys to play with this expansion -- not just a torch, but an entirely new set of skills that replaces the old Life Force bar. Now you channel Life Force to summon Shades, stationary ghosts that damage enemies and shield allies.

On one hand, their ability to support and sustain their team allows the Scourge to dominate a teamfight. A good Scourge can give their allies the survivability they need to turn the tide in the team’s favor. Problem is, they’re pretty useless outside that one specific niche. 

Scourges can be pretty intimidating, sure. Nobody wants to enter the Scourge’s AoE Funhouse of Doom... until they realize that Scourges still rely mainly on conditions to deal damage, and the new batch of Specs is filled with condition cleansing. Then you start getting dunked on by an entire team of Spellbreakers. Worst part? Because you can’t use your Life Force as a secondary health bar, those Spellbreakers will tear through you like paper. 

I feel like Scourge is something I’d have more fun toying with in PvE. Like the Druid before it, the Scourge is designed to fit into a support role, and those don’t have much of a place in structured PvP. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Quick: what’s the coolest thing you can do with a shortbow? If your answer was “Fire a hail of burning arrows through tiny portals that strike your foes at various angles”, you are not only correct, but also a fan of The Renegade. 

The new Revenant Spec is very exciting for lore nerds such as myself. Channeling of the spirit of Kalla Scorchrazor, legendary charr war hero, you gain Kalla’s incredible sharpshooting abilities... and the ability to summon members of her warband when you’re in a jam. Unsurprisingly, it’s pretty difficult to master, and I certainly didn’t come anywhere close while I was playing. But I did run into some decent Renegades during the demo, and they were able to deal a lot of damage, very quickly. 

This is another one of those Specs I can’t wait to try out in PvE. I couldn’t do much with it in the arena, but in a less stressful environment, I feel like it’ll be incredible. 

I hope you brought a good book, because The Firebrand is about to get literate on your asses. Remember that Tome mechanic the Guardians had way back at launch? Well, it’s back, and just as awesome as you remembered. Massive AoE heals and conditions can be pumped out in the blink of an eye. 

Like the Scourge, Firebrands are excellent in teamfights, putting pressure on the entire enemy team while supporting their own. But unlike the Scourge, the Firebrand still retains the tools that have served it well in PvP before -- namely, its uncanny ability to tank anything you throw at it. Even when they’re caught in a bad situation, a well-built Firebrand can survive, and that’ll make them a common sight in this game mode. 

Personally, I can’t wait to use the Firebrand in World vs World. In the midst of a massive zerg, it can probably do some absurd things.

For reasons I’ve never really understood, some Ranger players really, really want a Spec that lets them play without a pet. While I don’t get the logic -- aren’t pets the main draw of the Ranger? -- Arenanet, apparently, does, and they’ve listened to your feedback. Now, with the addition of The Soubeast,  Rangers don’t just play without their pets -- you merge with them, Voltron-style.

Indeed, Arenanet has taken animal cruelty to the next level, as you eat your beloved sidekick to absorb their power. This’ll definitely be a welcome addition in PvP, where pets are constantly running headfirst into massive AoE attacks and getting knocked quickly out of the fight. 

Like the Weaver, I didn’t really know what I’m doing while I was playing the Soubeast, so I can’t really say anything about its place in the meta or stuff like that. But I do know that my enemies kept breaking under my dagger-waving onslaught, so I figure I must be doing something right. 

The Mirage is the Mesmer in its purest form. They don’t do fair fights -- they overcome their obstacles by tricking, confounding and generally irritating the hell out of them until they give up and leave. Mirages are masters of this. Their new powers help them blend in with their clones, hiding in plain sight while they beat on their enemies. Do you want to bring her down with burst damage? Choose wisely, then, because there’s a one-in-four chance that you’ll unload your best abilities on the wrong target altogether. 

Even though Mesmer is the class I’m least familiar with, I had a surprising amount of success with the Mirage. I think it has to do with me taking the clone gimmick as far as I possibly could. I didn’t just summon clones -- I tried to mimic their behavior, too. AIs in this game are pretty simplistic, and it’s pretty easy to figure out which Mirage is the real one when only three of them are following the simplistic movement and attack patterns. To really blend in, you’ve got to commit to the role and act as much like a clone as possible. Otherwise, you’ll be identified almost immediately, and Mirages don’t survive for very long under direct fire. 

Even so, the sheer amount of AoE can make things very difficult for you. With all the Firebrands and Holosmiths running around, clones will die almost as fast as you can summon them... which, as you might imagine, makes blending in with them pretty difficult. Once it gets buffed a little, though, I think PvPers will appreciate its unique fighting style.

It’s no secret that in the past couple seasons of PvP, condition damage has ruled the meta. But now, ladies and gentlemen, burst damage has returned, and it is through The Spellbreaker that it has reclaimed its rightful throne. 

Spellbreakers, on paper, are simple: they hate magic. All magic. And they’re all about purging magic from allies and enemies -- buffs and debuffs alike. The days of stacking a bunch of Might on yourself and running roughshod over your enemies are over. Under the watchful eye of the Spellbreaker, they’ll make sure both sides are fighting with nothing but their raw stats, as nature intended. 

This Spec is an odd little duckling, because on its own, it’s not really overpowered in and of itself. It is, however, uncannily good at countering builds that are. Spellbreakers are the only class I saw regularly standing up to Holosmiths, stunning them to take away their momentum or stripping away boons they rely on to survive in a prolonged fight. And as for the aforementioned condition builds? Shut down before they could even get rolling. 

However the meta might develop in Path of Fire, I’m dead certain Spellbreakers will be a key component. They’re set to be the superpredators of the meta ecosystem, keeping all the traditionally overpowered builds in check to maintain a level of balance. If you’re a big PvPer, you may want to invest in this guy. 

So... those are my thoughts. What did you guys think about the new batch of Elite Specs? I’m interesting in hearing from the rest of you guys, especially if, unlike me, you actually know something about this buildcraft stuff. As usual, feel free to send me asks or reblog with your own opinions. 

Whatever you think, I hope you enjoyed the demo as much as I did. <3

[wonderfulworldofwinchester]

Dean x Reader 

Word Count: 1423

Warnings: Vertigo, maybe some language 

Masterlist  |  Ask Me Anything/Feedback  

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“Y/N.” Dean called, as he threw a pillow at you, startling you awake. “We got a case, get ready. Leaving in 20.” 

 Still groggy from sleeping, you rubbed your eyes, “A case where?”

 Dean was halfway down the hall already but he still answered you. “Stillwater, Minnesota.”

 You could only muster up a an incoherent mumble as a response. ‘Too damn early’, you thought. Still you got up, careful not to stand up too fast, and started collecting your things for the trip. ‘Stillwater? Why do I know that town?’ It plagued your thoughts for a good ten minutes before you realized just where you know it from. Two years ago, a shifter. That also happened to be the case where you met one Mr. Dean Winchester. Your mind couldn’t help but wander back to that memory.

 ~You had just gotten back into your motel room, frustrated to say the least. The locals were no help, and the town’s PD was pretty clueless. You had gotten no where on the case that day. You had turned on the radio and made your way into the bathroom to splash some water on your face, smiling when your mfavorite song floated from the speakers of the busted up old radio. Ramble on by Led Zepplin. It was a much needed victory for the day. You decided to take a minute to enjoy the moment before getting back into digging through files and lore. That’s when you heard it.

 The lock in your door being picked. You instinctively drew your gun, knowing it couldn’t be friendly company if they were picking a lock. You waited a couple seconds before rounding the corner with your gun raised. What you were met with were two men, guns also raised. “What the hell are you doing breaking into my room?” You demanded.

 The shorter one fired right back, “um how about you tell us why you were poking around crime scenes today?” He said, as they flashed FBI badges. You just rolled your eyes and put away your gun.

 “Probably the same thing you were.” You explained, flashing your badge back. “And you’d know that if you had bothered to do your homework before barging in here gun blazing.” You nodded towards their still raised guns, and they put them back in their waistbands. “Your hunters.”

 “Yea well so are you.” He said all goofy and kind of flustered, earning a very confused look from the tall one. 

 “Yea, no shit, sherlock.” And that’s how you met Sam and Dean Winchester. You still find your self laughing at that incident.

 The funniest thing about that night was the looks you and Dean exchanged. Everything about him seemed to be like looking in a funhouse mirror. He was you but in man form. You shared the same favorite songs, you had the same sense of humor, it was weird, and clearly evident to him. 

 After that they offered you a place to stay with them, and you’d been here ever since. Nothing ever totally came of the attraction between you and Dean. You always walked a fragile line when it came to that. You both had strong feelings for one another, that much was obvious to anyone near you, but neither of you breathed a word of it.~

 You snapped yourself out of it, just in time to make to the garage before the boys started complaining that you were taking forever. The drive was pretty uneventful. Dean stole glances back at you from the rearview mirror, just like always. Sam was busy going over the case, like always. It was just typical. 

When you got to town, and had done a usual amount of digging and research, you concluded it was a nest of vamps. A small nest, just getting started by the looks of it. It seemed to be a relatively simple hunt. The vamps were still young, not as experienced. The nest was new, so the hierarchy was still being established. It would work to your advantage. Stomp it out now before it had a chance to get going and grow. It wasn’t until you were in the thick of it that you realized just how wrong you all had been. 

The nest was new and full of youngsters, but there were way more of them than it had seemed. Sam split off to one side of the building, and you and Dean worked on clearing your half. You had made a pretty good dent in them. Only a few left, when a particularly bitchy vamp decided to toss you around a little. Somehow she managed to fling you just right to set of the Vertigo. Luckily Dean had just killed the only other vamp still standing and made it to her before she could get to you again. You managed to stand up, but it was short lived, and you dropped again, and Dean caught you. He didn’t want to move you just yet for fear of making it worse.

 He called Sam to see it it was clear on his side as well. Once he got the all clear, he finally relaxed from his hyper aware, protective posture around you. He had been ready to attack anything and everything that had nerve to even think of getting near you.

 Sam packed all your gear up, and Dean just held you, while came back into a somewhat normal state. When you opened your eyes, you were met with the same green eyes drowning in concern, that always made their appearance when something happened to you or Sam. Your voice came out a little softer than usual when you started to ask, “w-what happened?” Dean, being Dean, just placed a hand on the side if your face, “shhh relax sweetheart. The nest is all taken care of. You just had a little spell, its okay.” He just kept reassuring you. 

The man literally could not have been sweeter if he tried. It never ceases to amaze you how this man, who was a monster slaying badass by trade, could also the most tender, kind, and loving person on the planet. He made absolute certain that you were ready to move, before carefully picking you up and walking out to Baby. Telling Sam to drive, he climbed in the backseat with you, and pulled you towards him, so that your head was on his chest and his arm was around your shoulders, gently running his fingers through your hair, while his other hand traced patterns over your arm and hand. You sat there focused on the steady gentle thump of his heartbeat, and eventually everything started to fade back into normalcy.

 When he finally spoke up again, he simply said “Y/N?” As if your name was a question all on its own.

 “Yea, Dean” you mumbled, still trying to get your bearings. 

 “Whatta say we finally talk about what we are?” He proposed. 

 “What do you mean, what we are. We’re hunters, did the bitch get the drop on you too?” You sassed. You two were too much alike for your own good. If one wasn’t being a smartass, the other one was. 

 “You know what I mean, Y/N.” He pleaded. 

 “Wait, let me get this straight, the great Dean Winchester wants to talk about his feelings?” You teased. “I thought we agreed on not having any chick flick moments.”

 This earned a laugh from the hunter as as he brushed a stray piece of hair out of your face. “You’re right, why waste time on the things we both already know, when I could just do this.” He tilted you head up ever so slightly, and gently pressed a kiss to your lips. “I love you Y/N. Always have, and I always will.” 

Your smile was all the confirmation he needed to give you another kiss before you spoke up. “I love you too, Dean.” You smiled as you placed a soft kiss on his cheek. “But I do have one request. You think maybe next time we can do this, but without the whole Vertigo thing?”

 You both laughed and settled back into a comfy position. The while way home, you sat there like the little kids you really were, arguing over stupid things, annoying Sam with the choice of music, but most of all, just being cuddly, and making up for all the time you had spent, flirting with the line instead of crossing it into the best thing that ever happened to you two.

[geekade]

Bits and Brews 023: Forgotten Boardwalk Pocket Trick & TMNT: The Arcade Game

Welcome welcome once again to your monthly pairing of New Jersey craft beer and video games. This month we take a trip to the weirder side of New Jersey. A side steeped in stories of the Jersey Devil, of haunted attractions, and the strangeness of the shore. It's a journey enjoyed with friends, much like video games. There's a bit of nostalgia thrown in as well. So without further ado, we pair Pocket Trick and TMNT: The Arcade game.

Forgotten Boardwalk Brewing Company in Cherry Hill NJ is a brewery dedicated to the weird, the offbeat, and the well, forgotten. One of the great things about New Jersey is just how delightfully weird it is. For a state that is on the smallish side, about two hours from tip to toes, the diversity in culture and life in general, is frankly staggering. We are home to absolutely everyone and everything. Being home to that much diversity has given us a wide variety or interesting stories locales in which they take place. And one of the signature locales is the boardwalk. Almost no one growing up in New Jersey has missed out on the Jersey Shore. And I'm talking about the real Jersey Shore. Not some TV bullshit that quite frankly was more indicative of Staten Island and phony New Yorkers than anything else, but the Jersey Shore that was made up of boardwalks and arcades, funnel cakes and rides, late nights and strange tales. It is in those strange tales that brewery owner Jaime Queli and head brewer, David Bronstein, find their inspiration. Each beer is named after some piece of Jersey lore. When Queli went to open the brewery she said that she wanted the brewery to be more than just the beer but to be an experience. If you ever visit the place you'll find bright colors, funhouse mirrors, and skeeball.

As for the beer itself, Pocket Trick is their take on an Imperial or Double IPA. As the name implies Pocket Trick is not like every other IIPA. (a pocket trick is traditionally thought of as misdirection in a magic trick that usually ended up with tourists missing their wallets) This beer pours a darker golden color with a slightly red hue. It is certainly darker than other IIPA's and IPA's in general. It smells like peaches and mangoes with a bit of burnt brown sugar from the malt. The taste follows through on the nose with the ripe stone fruits, bready malt, and some sticky hops. It's not super bitter nor is it super piney like a lot of double IPA's tend to be. The pine notes and the bitterness are just where they need to be to make this beer dangerously drinkable. It masks it 8.5% ABV very well and reminds me of Nugget Nectar from Troegs in that you are so completely blindsided that you can't get up after you've had a few. It's crushable and a perfect summer beer. I like a lot of the beer that Forgotten Boardwalk puts out. Funnel Cake is an awesome Cream Ale, Free Parking is a great Pilsner, and Directory for Gentlemen is a super underrated Saison brewed with Chai Tea. Pocket Trick though is, in my opinion, their best. Others like it: 90 Minute IPA, Hopslam, Hop Stoopid, Double Jack

Back in the 70's, 80's and early 90's, arcades were all the rage. Every mall had one. Every piece place had a game or two. Most diners, another fabulous part of New Jersey, had a few as well. They were everywhere. And it wasn't until home consoles were able to replicate arcade graphics with a certain amount of fidelity that they began to die. Sure, you might find a game here or there now or maybe even an actual arcade. But it's not the same. Not even close. And it was in 1989 that we were graced with one of the greatest arcade experiences ever imaginable, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles four player arcade game. 

TMNT was a side scrolling beat 'em up, a genre I have professed my love for many times on the Stone Age Gamer podcast. (right here on geekade.com) The game let you select one of the four turtles to play as with Donatello clearly being the best of the four. (followed by Leo, Mike, and Raph in that order. Fuck short range weapons) The game consisted of walking to the right, beating the hell out of Foot Clan ninjas, and getting to a boss fight. If you spent enough money and time you would eventually get to the final battle with Shredder. It was repetitive but oh so much fun. The game was so bright and colorful. To our young eyes it looked just like the cartoon. (it didn't) The four player aspect made it that much cooler. There were countless time where I would be playing the game, usually at one of the arcades on Morey's Pier in Wildwood NJ, with my cousin and two random kids would walk up and join us. It was a quarter muncher that was quite difficult and balanced way to the side of the bad guys but it didn't matter. Turtle mania was real and there was no stopping us from playing all day. The NES port did a decent enough job bringing the experience home but it never quite matched up. It's one of the first games I emulated on a PC in college and even though it was years later, it was just as much fun as it had been back in the day. It enjoyed a renewed spike in popularity due to its release on the Xbox 360 arcade but has since been pulled back down. Hopefully we get another release at some point. It's too much fun to ignore.

So why these two together? Because both beer and game invite exploration and provide just the right amount of weird into your day. Look, let's be honest, the idea behind the TMNT is insane. The fact that it started as a very violent comic book and then became a day-glo cartoon for kids is even stranger still. It's weird in the best ways though like Forgotten Boardwalk. Their beers are based on weird ideas and stories. But they invite you to explore those stories. Each can the brewery puts out has the story behind the name printed on it. Reading through those stories one can't help but be curious. Much like when we all found out the turtles were based on some violent black and white comic. We had to know. Taken together, you have two weird, curious stories that simply must be discovered. So grab a six pack and a copy of M.A.M.E., or the NES port, and explore your curiosity. Better yet, head down to the Jersey shore. I'm positive there's a machine still there somewhere. Maybe somewhere off the beaten path. Maybe somewhere forgotten...

[lehhoh7822]

One of the issues with the canon content. And, no, I don’t make sense. I make sensory deprivation around here. (Extra points if you understand the joke.)

Also, quick note. I am an asshole who shouldn’t be given free rein over my posts. If you want the simple speech then read the

big

text. If you want more of my [very useless] personal thoughts then read text in

italics

and if there are more brackets (Or really, any brackets that are []) then it will be in bold, and it is just to help you read. If you guys want I can repost this as a big chunky bit of paragraphs, but this is actually easier to read, especially if you don’t want to hear my thoughts. I hope I didn’t offend and have a good timezone.

Guys, I think I have figured out one of Sanders Sides issues. Maybe everyone knows this and I’m just ‘I do be idiota’ing again but I haven’t seen many people talk about it. 

Sanders Sides is torn between being an accessible 

(yes I’m very sorry for all the shit limiting this content from being accessible, from the source material and the fan base, but we can talk about this after this, but I didn’t mean anything unsavoury with that word choice. Anyway.)

 way to get information about stuff 

(great English Lola) 

that concerns people. 

It was relatively simple, you would get fed information about how to deal with these issues 

(eg: How to deal with cognitive distortions from anxiety. It was put as a easy to palate, non-personal for the viewer, funny debate where the bad guy was defeated.) 

and you would learn a little bit of the information. The topics weren’t that heavy and generally also had a root in Thomas. The characters may have had the spotlight but the idea was to teach. 

But.

The other thing that is pulling at the series is the fact that Thomas is a nerd. And he couldn’t manage to make a series without a massive, deep lore, relatable and loveable characters and a sort of secret, underlying plot line. The characters had to be good enough to captivate the audience. But they also had to be funny. And distinctive. And they couldn’t be too nice or too mean 

(look at Roman, or Janus, or Virgil. Take a long look at some negativity blogs and don’t try to tell me that ‘it’s - fault because (insert weird reason here)’).

Now, when he makes a video, firstly, it cannot be taken well. I mean, at the start of Sanders Sides, people wouldn’t look almost obsessively for issues in the plot. They wouldn’t be chasing demons. Now, no matter what he releases, it is definitely going to be really hated by a fair chunk of his viewership.

 (Fun fact: I only learnt yesterday that Remus says “If you really want to challenge your viewership then you’ll need a little help from me.” No this isn’t relevant at all. No, I don’t care.)

Secondly, when you watch the Nostalgia episodes, do you think about the actual message, or do you think about Patton’s repression, Roman’s insecurity, Logan fricking pulling a disappearing act 

(Buddy, we would like you in the fricking room. It is not necessary for you to give us chills when you speak through your human.) 

and Virgil’s symptoms of a panic attack? 

I feel like most of you, if you answered honestly, would say that you cared more about the drama between the characters. You heard the message. You heard the ideas about Moving Forward and looking ahead, and not living in the past, and not repressing emotion, and- BUT, you were more focused on the characters, cooing about the one(s) you love and looking obsessively for flaws in the one(s) you hate. You spent the episodes looking at the pictures in the background change, looking for clues of other sides. 

And there have been only a few episodes that don’t have any message that isn’t too useful 

(or honestly, I think the first one that comes to mind is the Disney Channel one, which was made to tell news in a more interesting format, but it still managed to have the little one at the end about inspiring others.)

 like the Crofter’s videos or the Cartoon video.

 (but, the cartoon video has that one, very over quoted line, where Virgil remarks that he’s the bad guy) (And the Crofters videos were to heal Logan stans hearts.)

The rest of the episodes have aimed to do that, present ways to manage problems or situations or thoughts. But they have gotten increasingly complex. You need to do a lot of research and write it up in a way that isn’t plagurism, you need to verify and try not to be *insert ism/phobic thing here*,

(which isn’t to say it’s not warranted, I just feel like he must know he’s treading a dangerous line, and also, people do need to care for what they say and to not be massive jerkwads). 

There’s a lot of moral stuff now, and that means swimming through a lot of good ideas and a lot of pretentious bullshit. They still also want to help with problems, like they did 

(well, depends who you ask. I personally think that they did pretty well for a complex and varying disorder/condition [some people get annoyed when people call their anxiety a disorder because of panic disorder, diagnosed anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and anything and everything else, so I’ll put down both] on a [generally] kids-friendly channel. In a series that manages to be funny, deep and somewhat like a [really really good, remember the deep bit] soap opera, I feel like they tried their best and made something good. But that’s just my opinion.)

well with anxiety. They tried to do that again with Intrusive thoughts. But, it doesn’t work as well. firstly because there was and is so much going on in the plot, and the fact that intrusive thoughts was almost treated like cognitive distortions was. Like something that can be handled in one episode, something that isn’t as serious as anything else. Which isn’t trying to be dismissive of how fricking horrible intrusive thoughts are, how they make you feel bad, keep you up, make you question yourself, etc, but also, at the time, they had a lot of content they were managing. 

However 

(yes I’m trying not to say but, considering I’ve already said it 8 times in this thing, you don’t need to call me out like that) 

they could have managed. They could have packaged it up into a nicer, cleaner episode, a clean sweep dealing with the issue, the humour and it all, but they don’t. They can’t. Because of Remus. Remus made the episode a lot more complicated. They had to establish a new character, all of his connections and etc, they had to establish all of Remus. His brotherhood with Roman, his weird thing with Virgil. The lore, the lore of the series is what made the episode feel off. They were using one of their more original formats to try to deal with a more complex issue, further along in a precariously balanced series, and then they tried to balance out the lore. Balance out the Remus being Remus with Virgil’s reveal. They tried to make something similar to the start. It didn’t work.

(But, [I did it again] think about it. Let’s compare to the My Negative Thinking video, because for some reason that one keeps coming into my mind. You have established bad guy. [MNT: Virgil. DWIT: Remus.] Your established problem. [MNT: Thomas is overthinking and having cognitive distortions about his work and talent after a rough day on stage and Logan helps him find and combat the cognitive distortions caused by Virgil. DWIT: Thomas {and by extention, most of his sides} are having a rough time sleeping because of a constant stream of disturbing thoughts that are keeping him up, so Logan helps him understand and learn to “accept”* his intrusive thoughts and deal with them, helping the others back off so he can sleep.]  Your established aforementioned hero. [MNT: Logan. DWIT: Logan.] But, MNT is around 10 minutes. DWIT is around 40 minutes. The reasons being is that, firstly, in order to set up intrusive thoughts, was going to be harder than with cognitive distortions. Secondly, the plot has evolved, and there are more characters in DWIT than MNT and the format was different. But neither of these things explain why there’s a 30 minute gap between the two. It’s Remus. He’s only established just then, and all the establishing work, from the song, which we love, to the bit at the end with Roman and the Funhouse mirrors is what makes it so long. The original format no longer works, but they tried to use it. Does any of this make sense? Or am I just rambling? I don’t know.)

The lore is too strong to really ignore and the ideas are the idea of the series. 

So, why is this an issue?

(this question is here for the people who didn’t understand the rest of my bullshit). 

Let’s list some of the problems. (I’m sure there’s more, I just don’t know where.)

Thomas can no longer make content that will satisfy people with enough lore and character in order to keep trying to give us important knowledge on life. I know that at some point your fans won’t ever be satisfied with your content, but this isn’t a “We hate x and y character for a and b reasons.” it’s either; This doesn’t feel right and make sense, but it feels like I sorta learnt something. Or, I don’t understand the message.

In order to fix the above problem a bit of the format would have to be changed or compromised, which is really hard to do.

There can never be the perfect balance anymore. The Sides can no longer be fully in character and have good continuity because the series does not have good continuity. There’s also now going to be a precarious balance in between starting a witch-hunt.

The ideas are important, but people are forgetting or caring less about them. There’s so much research and work that goes into finding them, turning them into a speech, slotting that speech into the script and etc.

This means that as well as uprooting the idea of the series, the story, characters and lore are also making it impossible to create continuous content that follows a specific goal. To introduce new characters you have to do something that isn’t a usual episode or else it will feel forced or wrong. 

So. I hope you enjoyed my ramble. This took a lot of time and effort and feel free to add on. I hope I didn’t offend. Also, please someone tell me, does this make sense at all? Anyway.