#we got 237401734023 Transformers movie

[snackugaki]

Originally posted as a reblog

but! now with more speedrun run-on sentence speculationing because I have ✨A Problem™✨

hokay. so. here’s the earth. I don’t really go there, it’s not my jurisdiction, my dvd region or IP address but I know you gotta have your control group and experimental groups, so. do I know if splinter and the boys should actually be referred to the as the control group? hahahahha-- no, not at all. but no scientist is over my shoulder to check my work so moving on.

April’s dad probably tried to go an ethics board or OSHA or whatever for Sacks’ bullshit, didn’t get anywhere so took shit into his own hands ‘cuz I guess fuck them animals-- doesn’t matter April Hogosha O’Neil saves Splinter and the boys. Lab’s ruined, Sacks is out (supposedly) one big-ass container of ooze. now a person with their shit together would have gathered the information in order to proceed to the next point.

but.

ha!  anyway. Sadsack kills April’s dad, and probably has a tiff and a half with Shredder about the lab destruction. Shredder probably got maaaad, like you’re his student and you got your whole shit destroyed in a fire? embarrassing. anyway, Shredder’s shrewd as fuck, keeps Sadsack on to do his little science things but now monitored. heavily. i’mma pretend the experimental groups were housed in a different building and thus spared the control group’s fiery “death”. Shredder’s a hoarder with a sunk-cost fallacy complex and probably kept those going under a different team. Sadsack wasn’t notified because a) Shredder can’t trust him with nothing apparently 2) if he did know, he’s the kind of arrogant prick to be all “do not sully my mind with subgrade projects wah wah, my dumbass likes to pretend I’m so calculating but a nerd with a lighter ruined like x years of research”

turns out those experimental groups became something, wow. I’d feel like in terms of testing out multiple variations of the formula, venus and jennika had the least, then slash, then tokka and rahzar. and just ‘cuz all this was started by being tagged in someone’s ask... I feel like maybe Mona and Leatherhead were an extra test group tacked onto the roster after seeing Venus and Jennika gain sentience and gorgeous cheekbones. ‘cuz if that happened, “wouldn’t it be dope if we got a komodo dragon (instead of a salamander, or maybe some Jurassic Park shit and splicing that salamander into a komodo dragon lol y not) and an alligator to do a backflip while throwing a knife?”

anyway, everyone’s gaining sentience like a tiktok dance trend, Venus and Jennika get carted away from the Foot scientists to train. for how long? until what age? i dunno, whatever’ll endear them most to the grandpa character I’d have them meet in Chinatown after they decide to go rogue. but backtracking, they get some training in before plot shenanigans and hey, they should go to nyc because “we have a branch of the Foot Clan there, USDA, FDA, NBA, CIA, FBI are too nosy so we’ll ship our more containment breachy subjects to japan or whereever we can keep thing until we can introduce them in later movies that’d happen in a brighter timeline.”

so like, first of all, you can’t tell kids nothing, and the Foot were the dumbasses who decided to teach teenage girls paramilitarized ninjutsu ig idk how the Foot was supposed to be in the bay movies. Sites say it’s a paramilitary group started by Sacks’n Shredder, Shredder talks as if it’s a reincarnation of the ninja Foot Clan so.... whatevs, my daughters learn ninjutsu. and they’re being shipped off to nyc. and because you can’t keep humanity down Venus and Jennika’s “trainers” didn’t depersonalize them like they were supposed to, and look, they’ve got personalities now. they have hobbies. you ruined a perfectly good killing machine is what you did. 

and ‘cuz teenage girls are the most unstoppable force on this planet, they break out mid-shipment and enter nyc on their own terms. bright, shiny nyc to girls who can turn your guts into confetti. amazing, perfect. just gonna glide over unnecessary shit and just assume they slipped through NYC like Leo did in the Mutanimal base in the IDW run (which, I have to give that couple of pages its flowers, that was the most real life ninja shit I’ve ever seen in a TMNT comic in my accessible memory bravo) cue nyc tourist montage. my girls are not above swiping shit directly off of people, so they have a great time. they grab beef patties and chopped cheeses, like 20 little blue cups of nyc joe, they swipe I <3 NY shirts that they can kinda fit in (good luck fitting into that shit when you’re older babes)

they wind up in Chinatown (clikkit is2g) did a great job of flying under human radar and oops, not this one old man. lucky for my daughters they’re lucky (plotwise) and lucky (symbolically), that Old Man Chung offers them refuge, cue bonding montage, aww, an old man scuttling after rambunctious freshly adopted daughters. Grandpa Chung has a traditional medicine shop, let’s say Brooklyn’s Chinatown in Sunset Park just like in my tmnt au  and Venus learns his trade and branches off from there, they hang out with the Tai Chi uncles and aunties on Sundays and then, oh no! purple dragons!

cue the City At War arc which would’ve worked wonderfully with the bay movies (as a little entree before krang comes back “stronger”), worth at least two extra movies, Bay could blow up as many luxury brand cars as his widdle hearty-wearty desires with them. ....shit that would have been so fucking cool.

anyway, blah blah, City At War adaptation, everyone’s fighting, shit’s getting confusing-- bam! turtle on turtle violence then reconciliation then sick-ass group hero shot and bad guys just getting shellshocked left’n right. turtle chaos. Leo and Raph absolutely mandatorily must get dunked on. it’s in my contract. donnie and mikey are fine. Venus won’t even fight Donnie too much on the science/’magic’ shit because she figured out where he keeps the pop tarts and just ‘cuz bay Donnie seems too chill and level-headed to get worked up about the whole “wuh bUt mAgiC hAs No sCieNtiFiC bAaAaAsiS baa baa baa” but probably asks why Venus collects so many discarded crystal rocks, “.. sometimes rock shiny, rock nice! most important... rock projectile weapon, hhgkh!!” 

thank you, this has been my TMNTTedTalk.