#we don’t belong Andy Biersack

[xmads-omensx]

OC FACE CLAIMS

ANYTHING > HUMAN

Noah Sebastian X Fem. OC - cyberpunk au

Sabrina Carpenter as Vania

Loris Karius as Karius

We Don’t Belong

Andy Biersack X Musician! Fem. OC

Maggie Lindemann as Becca

[ashton-is-bored]

Dad! Andy Biersack- Fight Alone

A couple things before we start: -CW for mentions of running away from home and fighting

-This one has a lot of POV jumping, it’s only from Andy’s perspective to the reader’s though

-Can we appreciate Andy’s moobs more often? They’re GORGEOUS

Anyways…

Readers POV

I was waiting in the school’s front office for my godfather, Jinxx, to come pick me up. I’d gotten into a fight today because some jerk that’d been picking on me shoved me into my locker again. Normally, I’d brush it off and go about my day like nothing happened, but today was different. I guess the anger got the best of me because I socked that kid straight in the nose.

I knew my dad would be pissed with a capital P and would tell me that I should’ve gone to a teacher, but every time I asked for any help, I’d get the same ‘boys will be boys’ response. The only person I ever told was Jinxx, he was the only one that listened.

“Ms. Biersack, your guardian is here to pick you up.” The front office lady said, her voice was always snarky and nasally, just like her attitude.

I looked up and saw Jinxx standing there, he was dressed in his usual black outfit and to be honest, he didn’t look like he belonged in a public high school.

I got up, grabbed my bag and walked over to Jinxx without a word. He knew, and he knew I didn’t want to talk about it.

~Time skip brought to you by Andy’s moobies~

The car ride was spent in absolute silence, neither Jinxx or I spoke a word.

As we pulled into the car of my house, I noticed everyone’s cars were there. Dad must’ve been practicing when he got the call.

I was about to get out when Jinxx placed his hand on my shoulder and broke the silence. “Y/N, we both know your dad’s going to be pissed…” Jinxx said with a sigh before continuing. “You did the right thing. You took matters into your own hands and made it clear that you weren’t going to tolerate bullying of any kind.”

I nodded and Jinxx gave me a quick hug before we both exited the car. ‘Here goes nothing…’ I thought to myself.

As soon as I entered the house and walked into the kitchen, I was met with a loud yell from my dad. “Fighting?! Is this how I raised you, Y/N?!” My dad asked, clearly pissed off with the fact that I defended myself.

“Dad, it’s all a misunderstanding, I was just-” I tried to reason with my dad and explain what happened, only to be cut off by him yelling again.

“I don’t want to hear it!” My dad yelled again. “You are just like your mother; a reckless woman with no regard for the consequences of your actions!” That hurt. Being compared to the deadbeat woman that left us because she was too addicted to drugs to even care about the family she was leaving behind.

“Andy, you can’t say that-” Jake tried to step in, but dad cut him off just like he did to me.

“Stay out of this, Jake.” He said sternly before turning his attention back to me. “My parents were right, I should’ve put you up for adoption the moment your mother left.”

My dad had never spoken to me like this before, and it hurt like hell. For once, I just wanted him to listen and understand, not scream at me for making mistakes.

I couldn’t handle it anymore, so I pushed past him and went to my room. Dad was angrily yelling for me to get back to the kitchen because he wasn’t done talking, but I didn’t listen. I went to my room and closed the door, shutting him out.

Andy’s POV

“Get back here, young lady! You don’t get to just walk away when I’m-” My scolding was cut off when Jinxx placed his hand on my shoulder.

“Andy, enough!” He said sternly. “I understand that you’re angry at Y/N for what she did, but that doesn’t mean you should talk to her the way you did.”

I scoffed, too angry to care about my daughter’s emotions. I walked to the living room and the guys and I began band practice to distract myself from the disappointment in not only daughter, but with myself.

Reader’s POV

I collapsed into bed and cried into my pillow. I knew I fucked up, but my dad didn’t have any right to say what he did. Was I really like my mom? Does dad really want to get rid of me?

A million thoughts and emotions ran through my head at once, and I knew what I had to do. My dad didn’t want me around anymore, so why should I stay? I knew my dad would be busy with band practice and being angry, so he’d be distracted for at least two hours.

I got up from my bed and grabbed a notebook as well as a pen. Sitting down on my bed, I began to write the note my dad would find later.

‘To my dad, I’m sorry for turning out like mom and for always disappointing you. You were right; you should’ve listened to your parents and gotten rid of me when she left, but I guess it doesn’t matter now that I’m gone. I love you so much, dad, and I don’t want you to blame yourself for this. Tell the guys I love them and that I’ll miss them. Your daughter, Y/N Biersack.’

I tore the note from my notebook and placed it on my bed before getting up and opening my window, climbing out and using the tree outside to keep myself from busting my ass.

Andy’s POV

A few hours has passed since my argument with Y/N, and I realized that I hadn’t been up to check on her at all.

Realizing how much of a bad father this made me look like, I quickly went upstairs and knocked on my daughter’s door. “Y/N? Can I come in?” I asked, my voice didn’t sound angry anymore, I didn’t feel like arguing with her again.

I was met with silence from inside the room. Usually, if Y/N was asleep, she’d at least groan in response to my knocking, but nothing happened this time.

I was getting nervous as seconds ticked by and eventually I couldn’t handle the silence anymore, so I opened the door and walked inside.

I was met with a shock of cold air as I stepped through the doorway and I quickly realized that it was because the window was open. Confused, I walked over to close it, when my eyes fell on a note that was sitting on Y/N’s bed.

Picking up the note and reading it made my heart sink. She was gone. I felt my knees shake as they struggled not to give out and tears sting my eyes, a sob threatened to escape my lips. My daughter ran away because of me.

Reader’s POV

I walked to the old abandoned railroad tracks. The station that was attached to the tracks was abandoned as well, so it’d give me somewhere to hide and shelter myself for the time being.

I walked into the station and sat on the dusty floor against the wall, hugging my knees to my chest. I quickly realized that I’d forgotten to bring my jacket and my old Bowie shirt wasn’t doing much to keep me warm.

My dad’s words echoed through my head, ‘You’re just like your mother’, ‘I should’ve put you up for adoption.’  I placed a hand over my mouth to muffle my sobs. I didn’t want to cry, I didn’t deserve to cry because I let everyone down, just like my mom.

Andy’s POV

I called everyone. My friends, Joe, anyone that Y/N could’ve been in contact with, but no one knew where my daughter was.

CC walked up behind me and placed his hand on my shoulder causing me to jump nearly four feet in the air. I was so on edge because of the whole situation that I forgot the guys were here. “We called the cops, and they said they can’t do anything until she’s been missing for 24 hours,” CC said with a sigh. “Jinxx says our best bet is to go out and look for her.”

I nodded and grabbed my jacket before joining the guys in the car, sitting in the front with the window down, yelling my daughter’s name. ‘Just come back home, baby…’ I thought helplessly.

Lonny suddenly spoke up from the back of the car. “Y/N and I walked the railroad tracks in the summer. Maybe we could look there?”

Jinxx sighed and turned the car out of the empty parking lot we’d been driving around. “It’s worth a shot.”

~Time skip part ||~

We pulled up to the abandoned tracks and got out of the car. I walked ahead of the group, hoping with my entire heart that my daughter was safe and alive.

Jinxx decided that it would be best for us to split up and search. The groups consisted of Lonny and I, and Jake and CC. Jinxx decided to search the outer areas of the abandoned station.

I walked into the dusty station with Lonny behind me. It was cold as we searched and the floorboards creaked under my boots, making the whole place seem creepier than it actually was.

As we walked, I suddenly stopped and pulled out my phone to turn on the flashlight. My heart nearly stopped when I saw it in the light.

My daughter was sitting on the dusty station floor with her knees against her chest and her arms around herself, her skin covered in goosebumps.

I dropped to my knees and wrapped my arms around Y/N’s frigid body. Her head rested on my chest and her arms wrapped around my torso as she sobbed.

“Daddy, I’m sorry… I’m sorry for everything…” Her voice was broken and defeated through the tears, it was also muffled by my shirt as she buried her head into my chest.

I hushed her softly, the same way I’d do when she had nightmares as a kid. “Shhh… It’s alright, baby bat, it’s not your fault…”

A few tears slipped down my face, but I didn’t care. It was like the world didn’t exist anymore and holding my daughter was the only thing that mattered. I smoothed her hair over with the palm of my hand, slowly and gently, to soothe her while whispering soft words in her ear.

When we were finally done crying, Y/N held onto me tighter. She was shivering and I feared she’d catch a cold if I didn’t do something.

Carefully, I removed my jacket and placed it around her while continuing to shush her gently.

Lonny cleared his throat awkwardly from behind us. “I… uh… I hate to break up the father-daughter moment, but we should probably get Y/N back to the car before she freezes to death.”

I nodded and carefully picked up my daughter up. She shook the whole way to the car, even with my jacket, she was still freezing.

As I got into the car, I kept my arms around Y/N. Her head rested against my shoulder and her knees pressed against my thighs. I reached one of my hands up and brushed it against her hair.

“You really scared us there, Y/N.” Jake said, trying to lighten the mood.

I shook my head at him, knowing my daughter, I knew she wouldn’t want to talk about it until later. “You’ll be okay, baby bat, things are going to get better.” I whispered in her ear, attempting to make things better with my daughter.

As the car ride went on, I could feel Y/N relaxing into me, and when I looked over, she’d fallen asleep against my side. Her breath was shallow and even, her arms held my bicep as if I’d disappear if she let go, and her eyes were shut.

Jinxx pulled into the driveway and shut the car off. Lonny opened the car door while CC helped me carry Y/N inside. As I picked her up, she stirred and snuggled further into my arms. For a second, I swear I saw her as a baby again; wrapped in my arms in a Black Veil Brides shirt that was too big for her as I carried her inside after she fell asleep coming home from a show. Tears threatened to fall from my eyes, how could I have been such a bad dad to such a precious girl?

I brought Y/N to the living room and laid her down on the couch before grabbing a throw blanket and covering her sleepy and shivering body with it. The guys and I decided it was best if they stayed over to help with Y/N, knowing she needed the support of her family right now.

I slipped my boots off and laid down behind my daughter, wrapping a protective arm around her as she slept.

“I will always be with you, baby bat. Daddy will always be here.” I whispered, pressing a kiss to her temple before laying my head down above hers and falling asleep with my baby bat in my arms.

~THE END~

[fangirl94stuff]

Andy Biersack (Black Veil Brides)

Y/N

Have you ever woken up one day and an old memory hits you like a tonne of bricks? That happened to you today. You woke up before your alarm which was rare, but when you reached for your phone something flashed in your mind about a time you'd like to forget and a person you hadn't thought about in over eight months.

FLASHBACK

'ANDY! LOOK AT ME, WE DON'T TALK ANYMORE!!' you shout at the top of your lungs, making your boyfriend stop in his tracks with his back still to you.

'Why would I talk to you y/n?' Andy sneers, 'You don't understand anything about my music anymore, Black Veil Brides are going to be big and I need to make some changes.'

'What are you going on about Andy?' you ask, scared at what he meant by changes.

You and Andy had been together since the start of high school, you loved and supported him, but you were complete opposites. Andy liked the colour black and you liked colour, it made your relationship stronger. Since the band's debut album Andy had changed, staying out late getting drunk and you didn't like what he was becoming. You refused to change to appease him.

Andy finally faces you, his expression cold, 'We're over y/n. I need to move on and you're keeping me in the past. Pack your things and get out of my apartment.'

END OF FLASHBACK

Andy threw away years of happy memories, his ego turning him into a monster. He left the apartment and you packed your belongings and crashed on a friend's sofa. You were broken, and it had taken you months to get over him, though you'd never fully forget your first love.

You managed to get your design company up and running and had done a few commissions for band merch. You were finishing up a design for Escape The Fate when someone knocks on your front door.

Not expecting anyone, you get up and instead of looking through the peephole like normal you simply open the front door.

'Hello, how can--' you stop mid-sentence, freezing on the spot, eyes wide at who stood in front of you.

This couldn't be the same Andy from your flashback, that Andy was cold and emotionless, while this Andy looked dishevelled and had red puffy eyes from crying. You could still get lost in his blue eyes, which used to twinkle but now looked dead.

'Err y/n, I know I have no right to come here after what I did, but do you think we can talk?' he mumbles, his usual confidence gone.

Your mind screamed at you to slam the door in his face, but your heart yearned to hear him out. If you didn't like what he had to say then you could ask him to leave. Maybe you could finally get answers to all your unanswered questions.

You nod and step aside, 'You can come in, but I'm working so not for long.'

Andy walks into your apartment trying to avoid eye contact with you while you take a deep breath and close the door behind him. He stops at the end of the hallway before entering the lounge and motions to a framed photograph on the wall.

'You kept that?' he asks, astonished, 'I assumed you'd thrown it away.'

He was referring to a black and white photograph he'd taken of you just before going to a graduation party with him, which he'd had blown up and framed because he said you were beautiful and wanted to capture your beauty on camera. You weren't looking at the camera, you were smiling and laughing at what someone said to your left while playing with the hem of your white lace dress. It was one of your favourite photos and memories.

'I liked it, reminded me of the good old days, now talk Biersack,' you say a little blunt.

Andy shuffles into the lounge and sits down on the sofa, 'nice design,' he mutters, pointing at your laptop.

You nod and sit down next to him, closing the lid of the laptop not letting him get distracted anymore, 'if you're not going to speak then let me. Do you know how broken I was? How I sunk into depression over analysing every part of our relationship and how you must have been right about me being the problem. I was a wreck Andy and only in the last couple of months have I gotten my life back on track, realising one day I wasn't the problem you were.'

Andy's lip quivers but he stops himself from crying again, 'I have no excuses y/n, I was the problem. You were right about me becoming a monster, I was blinded by the sudden success and let people around me fuel my ego and fill my head with thoughts of being better off without you. But those people aren't in my life anymore.'

Your heart and mind were at each other's throats right now, you wanted to both hug him and slap him.

You roll your eyes, 'did you come here thinking a simple explanation would win me back Andy? Did you think I'd forgive you and beg to get back together again? The distance between us has made me a stronger person.'

Andy's eyes widen in shock and he grabs your hands in his shaking his head, 'If anything I should be the one begging you. The explanation was simple and I never thought you'd forgive me. Yes, a part of me thought there was a chance of reconciliation and I hate and admire at the same time how much you've grown. You might not need me anymore y/n but I still need you.'

This was the most honest and vulnerable you'd ever seen Andy, his frantic state reminded you of your depression since here he was overthinking everything. This Andy reminded you of the scared and slightly intimidated boy who didn't think his voice was good enough to be a lead singer, but you'd encouraged him to go for his dreams.

You pull your hands out of his and stand up so that you were staring down at him, 'we can't make this work Andy. I'm not going to let you back in to hurt me down the line.'

Andy bites his lip and bows his head in defeat, 'I'm not asking to go back to what we were y/n, I'm asking you to give me a second chance to start from scratch. Turn over a new leaf for both of us to move forwards.'

You tilt your head to the side a little confused, 'what do you mean?'

Andy gets up and stretches out one hand, 'Hi I'm Andrew Dennis Biersack, and you are?'

You stare at his hand, torn at what to do. He was putting the ball in your court. If you were going to do this, then you weren't going to make things easy on him.

You shake his hand, 'I'm y/n y/l/n, don't make me regret this.'

Andy's eyes come back to life and the twinkle you remembered seems to return, the twinkle that made your heart skip a beat, 'a blank slate y/n, and you won't regret this.'

Well, this wasn't how you expected your day to go when you woke up. This was going to be a long journey, but fingers crossed that the two of you came out the other end unscathed and in a relationship stronger than your last.

[andyblackveil]

ANDY BLACK and The Ghost of Ohio (interview)

IN THIS EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW, WE CAUGHT UP WITH ANDY BIERSACK A.K.A. ANDY BLACK ABOUT HIS NEW SOPHOMORE ALBUM CALLED THE GHOST OF OHIO, HIS MUSIC CAREER, HIS DIVERSE POOL OF INFLUENCES AND HIS UPCOMING SHOW PARADISE CITY.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON’T KNOW THAT THE BLACK VEIL BRIDES FRONTMAN IS ACTUALLY LOWKEY HUMOROUS AND BENEATH HIS CALM TOUGH EXTERIOR IS A POSITIVE GUY WHO LOVES SPORTS. READ THE FULL INTERVIEW AND GET TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE TALENTED SINGER, SONGWRITER AND ACTOR.

What’s your story? Who is Andy Biersack?

I am a person who is a person from Cincinnati, Ohio. I moved to Los Angeles when I just turned 18 and wanted to become a Rock musician and lived in my car and did all this stuff to try to make it and have been fortunate enough to be able to play rock music for my entire adult life both in my band Black Veil Brides and as a solo artist. But apart from that I’m married, I’m anxiety ridden, I try to be funny. I try to be a good person. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke cigarettes and I don’t like going out.

How and when did music start for you? Have you always been musically inclined?

It was synonymous with everything else for me when I was a kid. I started finding a through line from comic books and stuff to music so the first bands I got into were probably for aesthetic reasons honestly because I was 3-4 years old. I loved KISS, and Alice Cooper and that kind of stuff. But I also loved musicals like family opera and Sweeney Todd for similar reasons. And then as I got older, I started to fall in love more with singer/songwriters and the craft of writing songs and it kind of just all coalesced and was my entire life at the time. I was very young so I supposed I was always musically inclined but I was also heavily interested in kind of the whole package so to speak.

How would you describe your style?

I guess all of it is hard to describe. It’s like asking what does rain sounds like. I think for everybody it’s a little different but I would say for mine, I wear my influences on my sleeve and it’s a combination of all the things that I loved growing up aesthetically. I’ve always liked darker imagery and more “gothic” things so it’s a little bit of that. I love sports too so there’s a little bit of athletic thing in there and a little bit of all of that.

Who are your music idols?

I’ve always been a huge fan of Bruce Springsteen, and like I said before I love KISS. My favorite band growing up was Alkaline Trio. I loved The Misfits, New York Dolls, kind of all over the place I guess. Generally speaking in the Rock world but you know I also like Hip Hop when I was kid like Outkast and stuff like that.

Can you walk us through your process as an artist? How do you usually come up with songs?

Every song is different. Sometimes it starts with an idea and then it’ll be a lyric and sometimes it’s the melody and I write something around that. I’m not someone who has a constant creative process, it’s kind of always depending on the song or where it’s coming from. Some of the time, I’ll come up with a concept and then write lyrics around it and try to figure out a melody and other times it starts with a melody or a piece of music.

If you could collaborate with an artist dead or alive who would it be and why?

I mentioned Springsteen before. I would love to be able to work with him just because he’s such an influence on my writing style.

What’s the story behind your new album, The Ghost of Ohio?

I grew up in southern Ohio and I was deathly afraid of everything growing up. I couldn’t sleep in my room by myself. Sometimes I’d sleep in the hallway outside my parent’s bedroom when I was a little kid on the floor. I would set booby traps for ghosts in my room. I was obsessed with the idea that something was out to get me and as I got older I didn’t really have that as much anymore but I still had an interest in what was so frightening and so I started doing research into my hometown and found all these crazy ass ghost stories and stuff and so I just decided that I kind of wanted to write my own folklore. It was influenced both by my childhood and a podcast called, “Lore” with a guy named Aaron Mahnke, who is a wonderful storyteller, and that was hugely influential in kind of the writing for the bible so to speak for this story and just kind of taking actual parts of folklore and applying it to this new story.

What inspired you to create the tracks in it?

Every track has a different inspiration. This album in particular is really speaking about my upbringing and growing up kind of being a loner and feeling like I didn’t have a lot of place to belong so finding my own fun and ways to navigate life.

Is there a specific track that’s closest to your heart?

There’s a song called, “Heaven” that I wrote about my relationship with my wife and how much she means to me. For me it’s very difficult because, day to day, I have 3 or 4 emotional freak outs and I’ve always had her there to talk me off the ledge and be my rock and I try to be there for her as well on the same capacity so we’ve gone through a lot in our life and it was just kind of a song about how much I appreciate her.

Top 3 music in your playlist right now.

I’ll pull up my spotify and see what I listen to.

David Bowie - Let’s Dance

The entire Alkaline Trio Crimson record

Our Lady Peace - Burned

Foxy Shazam Self Titled Record

Tell us about your upcoming show, Paradise City and your character, Johnny Faust.

There’s a film, American Satan, that came out in 2017 and I play a character who wants to be a rockstar but unfortunately things go awry and he makes a deal with this devil like character that makes him ultra famous but also becomes a drug addict. His whole life blows up. The series takes place after the film and it’s not about the supernatural element but more about what it would be like to follow this guy who risked everything to become ultra famous but now that he’s so incredibly famous, has to pick up the pieces of all the lives he’s’ affected in a negative way.

What’s something that people don’t usually know about you?

Sometimes people don’t necessarily know that I played a lot of sports growing up and I was a hockey player from my adolescence. It was a big part of my life.

If you’re not creating music, performing or acting, what usually keeps you busy?

I follow sports particularly Cincinnati sports, so that’s kind of a hobby of mine. I collect sneakers. When I’m on tour, we just play sports video games all day and then just sitting alone (laughs)

If you’re a book, what kind of book would you be and why?

IKEA instruction manual. Impossible book.

Any advice that you can give to any aspiring artists/musicians/singers/songwriters out there?

Don’t be afraid to suck and don’t be afraid to have people tell you that you suck. When people start, the hardest thing to do with is deal with criticism and I feel like if you’re able to build a kind of teflon suit around yourself and let criticism bounce off you, you’ll have a much larger likelihood of being able to succeed because you won’t be inhibited by the negativity.

source: A BOOK OF Magazine

[descentintobandom]

First Date

Title: First Date Chapter: One-Shot Pairing: Andy/OC/Remington Rating: T Fic Summary: AJ is going on his first date with Baz and needs JJ’s help to get ready. Author’s Notes: JJ and Alex belong to @justafangirls-stuff. Kinda inspired by “First Date” by Blink 182.

Wanna go out tonight? – B

This was the text that caused Ashley “AJ” Biersack to jump in his car and speed over to his cousin’s house. He ran up to the door and started knocking in rapid succession until his Aunt Alex answer the door.

“Hey AJ”, she said.

“Is JJ home?”

“Uh, yeah. She’s in her room”.

“Thanks Aunt Alex!” Ashley entered the home and ran up the stairs, bursting into his cousin’s room. “I have a date tonight”.

Jenni, named after his mother, was sitting on her bed flipping through a magazine. “A date?” JJ didn’t know Ashley was even interested in someone.

“Yeah, with a guy from school. I need you to help me”.

“Sit down”, she said, pointing at her vanity.

Ashley sat down after grabbing the magazine Jenni was looking at.

It was a guitar magazine.

“Have you talked to Uncle Ashley about this?” Ashley asked her.

Jenni shook her head as she pulled out her straightener.

“What are you doing with that?”

“I’m going to turn you into your dad, circa Wretched and Divine”, she told him.

“You mean the whole thing? Like the hair and the smoky eye? I don’t know if I can pull that off…”

“Honey, you’re gorgeous. If you weren’t gay, all the girls would be at your feet”.

As Jenni was doing his hair, Ashley responded back to the message.

Yeah – A

Pick you up at your place? Maybe around 7? – B

Sounds good – A

Alright. See you soon then. – B

“Are you going to tell your parents about Baz?” Jenni asked.

“Are you going to tell Uncle Ashley about wanting to play the guitar?” Ashley countered.

“I asked you first”.

“Dad knows about him. I told him about Baz the night Emerson got into a fight at that house party. I think he may have told Mom and Papa”.

Jenni sighed. “I know it’s not like he won’t approve of it, but he went to college and got a degree before joining Uncle Andy’s band”.

“And you think he’ll want you to get a degree first? There’s nothing wrong with a back-up plan”.

Jenni rolled her eyes. “We can’t all be the new Einstein. I don’t like school. I’m good at it, but it’s not like I enjoy it. Music is the one thing that makes me truly happy. I don’t want to have to suffer through school and get a degree I’m not gonna use, just so I can do what I really want to”. When she was done with his hair, she quickly did his eyes. “Okay, open them”.

Ashley looked at himself in the mirror. He looked like the spitting image of his father, except with bronze hair. Ashley hugged Jenni.

“Okay, okay, that’s enough. Go home and get dressed”, she told him.

“Thanks JJ”.

Ashley was sitting on the porch when Baz drove up. He got out of his car and walked up to the house.

“Hey, ready to go?” Baz asked.

Ashley nodded and stood up. “Let’s go before they realize you’re here”.

“Are you nervous about me meeting your family?”

“No, of course not…”

“Oh, you must be Baz”, Ashley heard his dad’s voice say. Ashley turned around as Baz stepped up to his father.

“You must be Mr. Biersack. I’ve heard so much about you”.

“All good things I hope? And don’t call me Mr. Biersack. Makes me feel old. Just call me Andy”.

“Well we really should be going now”, Ashley said.

“Have fun. Be careful”, Andy told them.

Ashley turned to walk away when he heard, “And Ashley…” Ashley looked at his father.

“You look handsome”, Andy told him, “Although JJ needs to work on her technique. I never used that much eyeliner”.

Ashley’s cheeks burned as he and Baz walked to the car. “I am so sorry about him”, Ashley told him.

Baz just laughed. “Ash, it’s fine. I think it looks really good”.

“Thanks”.

“So I’m thinking burgers. Unless you wanna be wined and dined?”

Ashley laughed. “No. Burgers are fine”.

They ended up going to the diner where Andy and Remington had had their first official date and then walked around the park a few blocks from Ashley’s house. The whole time they walked, their pinky fingers brushed until finally Baz took Ashley’s hand in his.

“I had a nice night”, Ashley told him.

“I did too. We should do it again sometime”.

“Tomorrow? My dad makes chocolate chip pancakes on Saturdays and maybe you can meet the rest of my family”.

“I’d like that”.

[writingkeepsmewhole]

To Good To Be True.

This is part 20 of A Team! This is a long one. I went a little nuts writing this. I hope you guys like it. Emily is confronted with her past her life being flipped upside down.

Andy Biersack x OC Emily

Warnings:Language, being attacked, murder. 

Laglist I’ll gladly add you: @panicatangelica @bvbarmy-jaci

Part 1  Part 19

I woke with someone shaking me making me sit up quickly slamming my head into the top of the bunk.

"Ow, what the hell!" I said turning to see Ella grinning wildly

"We're here!"

"Where is here?" I asked looking out my window to see nothing but a parking lot.

"The airport silly we are all going home and soon the boys will be making a new record."

"Oh awesome. I'm gonna go pee." I said trying to rub the sleep out of my eye.

"Oh right try to be quick okay."

"Yep sure thing." Nodding I got out of the bunk and walked down the hall glad to find no one in the bathroom.

Looking in the busted mirror I had make up smeared down my face. I jumped when the door opened.

"Oh hey baby." Andy said giving my butterflies. "How did you sleep?"

"Well going by what my face looks pretty good. You know you have to sleep with this hot mess right?" I said pointing at my face moving my hand in a circle.

"Yeah, I know." He says walking up to me smirking down at me, making me blush.

"I got the bruises to prove it." He says smiling and bends down to press his lips to mine softly. Wrapping my arms around his neck I kiss back butterflies dancing threw my stomach my heart racing. A feeling I don't think I would ever get use to.

Sadly the feeling came to an end when Andy pulled away.

"I'll let you get ready. Try to hurry okay?" He said kissing the top of my head and walking out of the bathroom.

Doing what he asked I quickly showered and got dressed in jeans and a tank top. Something comfy and simple. Picking up my phone I unlocked it to read Ella's  text saying they were waiting at gate 8. I replied telling her I was leaving the bus now and would be there soon.

Stepping off the bus with my bag of stuff I walked across the parking lot feeling weird being all alone. Putting my headphones in to fill the silence was the worse they I could have ever done. Maybe I would have heard them coming…

I woke up in a dim lit room. The only light coming from the bulb hanging in the middle of the room.

‘Okay Emily don’t panic. If you scream whoever took you will know you are awake.”

I looked around the room for a way out but only found that I was tied to a wooden chair in a basement and that there was wooden table about a yard away from me.

On the table was a green duffel bag.

‘Maybe there is a phone in there all you need to do is get out of the chair and get to it. I tell myself trying to keep myself from freaking out.

I don’t get the chance before the door at the top of the steps open letting it a little more light.

It letting me see the person who walks down each step closer to me.

“Hello Princess.” Said the voice that I thought I would never have to hear again. It belonging to someone that filled my nightmares. In front of me was my very own father.

He still looked the same. Same pot jut, dirty beard and greasy hair.

“What the hell?” I ask feeling anger and fear rush threw me.

“Oh what’s wrong not happy to see your old man.”

“Why would I be happy to see you? How did you even find me?”

“It was simple really. But that’s not important.” He says walking over to the table.

“What’s important is your back and we can return to how our life was before you left.” He say digging threw the bag.

“You lay one hand on me and I’ll scream.”

“Go ahead. We all alone. Don’t you recognize where you are?”

Looking around once I again I quickly see what he is talking about. We were back in my old house. It across the railroad tracks too far from town.

“I see you are still hanging around that little faggot.”

“You leave Andy out of this.” I say pulling at the zip ties around my wrist.

“I’ll do whatever the fuck I want bitch.” He says walking up to me and slapping me hard across the face.

So hard I almost fell to the side.

“You won't get away with this.”

“Get away with what? I haven't done anything.”

“Andy will find me and if he doesn't I will kill you.”

“Oh sweetheart.” He says leaning down to get in my face.

I try to turn my head away from his rotten breath but he grabs my chin and roughly yanks my head towards him.

“You don’t have it in you to kill someone. We both know that from the night you left.”

He didn’t have to tell me what happened. I remember holding the gun out towards him. It aimed at his head. I would have done I wanted to but I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger. I guess he still was my father after all.

“Now shall we get started.”

“What are you going to do?” I ask watching him the whole time wiggling my hands the restraints.

“I’m going to pick up where we left off.” He says pulling my cell from the bag and setting it on the table.

He did it to torment me with something that could help me. He enjoyed playing mind tricks.

“Go ahead.” I say knowing if I got this over with I could get to that phone.

I don’t know how but I knew I would do it.

“If you say so princess.” He says walking to me while taking his belt off.

Pushing it into my mouth he cuts free my leg. As soon as he starts on the next one I use my free leg to kick him as hard as I can.

Reaching down with both hands I grab the knife from his belt and stab it into his shoulder. Pushing myself up I grab my phone and blot for the steps. I’m happy that I make it to the top and that the door is unlocked.

Running thru the decaying house I bust my way thru the front door and run as fast I can. With my hands still tied in front of me I fumble with my phone seeing five missed calls from Andy and more texts and calls from the everyone else.

Calling Andy back I put it on speaker hoping he can hear me over me running.

“Emily? Where are you?” He answers instantly.

“I’m by my old house!” I say through short breaths.

“My dad… He found me and I’m running-.” I say but get cut off by something slamming into the back of me.

I groan in pain seeing a silver car in front of me.

I push myself up but not in time for the front door to open my father stepping out of it.

I end the call and hide the phone down my shirt praying that he doesn't take it from me.

Jerking me up he pulls me to the car. Opening the truck he shoves me in it and slams the door shut.

I feel my heart pound the sound of my blood rushing feeling my ears.

Feeling my phone ring glad it was on vibrate I look down to see Andy calling me back. Just seeing his face calms me down.

I take a deep breath and quickly decline the call and text him. Telling him that I turned my GPS on my phone and to please come get me.

I hide my phone just as soon as the car stops.

“You are going to regret what you did.” My father says pulling me from the trunk making my fall. He kicks me in the stomach making me taste blood.

“You think you are to good for dear old dad huh?” He asks pushing me onto my stomach and quickly pinning me down.

I knew what would happen next. Jerking my head back it slams into his face make him sit back enough for me to get up.

I run into the house looking for anything to defend myself. I don’t get very far. Him grabbing me by my hair and slamming my head into the wall.

“You are nothing but a whore just a bitch who needs to learn her place.” He says walking towards me.

I push myself up as best as I can but the world is blurry black spot filling my vision. Seeing his face in focus I kick at it.

When my foot meets something hard I kick again this time it followed by a loud thump followed by three more.

Blinking to clear my vision only showing a empty living room. I push myself up and walk towards the basement door. My mind already working out what happened. But I guess I had to see it to believe it.

At the bottom of the stars was my father his neck and leg at an awkward angle. I watched his chest waiting for it to move.

For him to come climbing up the steps ready to lock me in the trunk again. To let him and his friends use me how they wanted.

Feeling someone touch me makes me jump. I quickly try and hit them to push them off me.

“Emily! Relax it’s me!” Says a familiar voice.

Looking at the person I quickly recognize Andy’s bright eyes.

“I didn’t mean to.” I say my knees giving out from under me making me fall Andy falling with me.

Holding me to his chest Andy kisses the top of my head the sound of sirens getting closer.

I barely noticed as the EMTs and Officers come in and start moving around us.

One of them leads me outside it now completely dark making me wonder how long I stood there staring at his lifeless body.

With Andy’s help I climb into the ambulance letting the EMT cut my wrist free. I think he asks me something and I must have gave an answer because he just nodded and started cleaning my wrist.

It wasn't until I was at the hospital and a nurse tried to put and IV in my arm did I realize what was going on.

“What happened?” I ask looking around at the empty room.

“Wheres Andy?”

“Is he the blue eyed tall one outside?” She asks looking up at me.

“Yes.”

“Well only family can see you until the police talk to you.”

“He is my family. The only one I have.” I say honestly feeling hot tears run down my face.

“I’ll let the doctors know.” She says patting my leg and leaving the room as soon as she does they open again by Andy coming threw it.

He quickly walks up to me and grabs my hands.

“Are you okay Emily?”

“I've been better.” I say honestly.

“I’m sorry. I should have stayed with you.”

“It’s not your fault. We didn’t even think my father was a problem.”

“Still. I shouldn’t have left you alone.”

“Then don’t leave me now. Please.”

“Of course cupcake.” He says kissing the back of my hand.

It was only an hour before the Doctor and two policemen came in.

“Sir. Only family can be back here.” The doctor says looking at Andy.

“He is family.” I say holding onto Andy tightly. Scared they would take him away from me.

“Ma’am we really-.”

“Andy is all I have left. My father beat my mother to death and I killed him. I only have Andy.”

“Did you kill him on purpose?” Asked the dark skinned male cop. The other a latina female.  

“No.” I say making myself sit up ignoring the stiffness in my side.

Getting hit with a car will do that I guess.

“Can you tell me what happened?” Asked the lady cop.

“He kidnapped me. Took me to our old house and I think was going to rape me. I got free when he untied my legs and grabbed my phone off the table as I ran out.”

“That’s when you called your boyfriend?” Asked the male cop looking at me then Andy.

“This is him I’m guessing.”

“Yes. She called me and I followed her gps.”

“But you were not the only that called the police.”

“No my friend CC did.”

“CC? Sir we will need his name for record.”

“He is the dude with the bandanna on his head in the waiting room.”

“I’ll go talk to him.” Says the male cop leaving the room along with the doctor.

“Can you tell me what happened next?” Asked the remaining cop.

“I hit me with his car and took me back to the house. Umm I think he hit my head on something. I remember trying to kick him off me. When my vision returned to normal he wasn't in the room he was at the bottom of the steps dead.”

“Is there anything else?”

“No. I don’t think so.” I say honestly.

“Okay. I will send the doctor back in to talk to you.” She says smiling.

“Thank you.” I say smiling at her as she leaves the room shutting the door behind her.

“Do you think they think I did it on purpose?” I asked looking over at Andy.

“No. If they did you would be handcuffed to the bed.” He says looking down at my hands.

“That’s true.”

Andy didn’t get to say anything else before the door opened again the doctor walking in.

“How are you feeling?” He asked thankfully smiling at Andy and Me.

“Like I got my head stomped on.”

“That would be the minor concussion.” He says smiling like he said something funny.

“Well that explains it.”

“Is there anything else?”

“You have two broken ribs and a hairline fracture in your left wrist. A little dehydrated but all in all you and the baby are just fine.” He says looking up from his clipboard.

“Excuse me the what?” I ask feeling my heart jump into my throat.

“You didn’t know you were expecting?”

“No neither of us did. Did we?” Andy asks looking at me.

“No.” I say my mind facing trying to connect the dots.

“Oh well yes you are expecting. You are only a few weeks so we will want to keep a close eye on things until everything is healed up. Do you have a residents you can stay at that is close. I would like to keep an eye on you personally.”

“She can stay at my parents.” Andy says rubbing my knuckles.

“And where will you be staying?”

“With her of course.” He says

“That’s good to hear she will need lots of care and someone to keep a close eye on her for the next few weeks.”

“Thank you. Can we have a moment alone please?” I ask not wanting to talk to him anymore.

“Of course.” He says leaving the room.

“What’s wrong cupcake?” Andy asks softly when I don’t say anything.

“I’m so sorry Andy.” I say looking at him tear threatening to spill over my cheeks.

“Why are you sorry. I thought you would be happy.”

“I ruined your life. I should have never came back to your hotel room. You would be recording a new song by now.”

“No I wouldn't. Hey look at me.” He says when I drop my head.

Grabbing my face he turns it to look at him.

“If you didn’t come back I would be miserable thinking about what happened to you. I would have found out about Juliet and would be alone. Besides I’m happy. Are you not happy? Do you not want to have a baby with me? Do you think ugly?” He asks making his face twist up.

I can’t help by laugh it making my side throb.

“Of course you are but I love you anyway.” I say laying my forehead on his.

“I love you too.” He says leaning in to press his lips to mine.

“Get some rest. I’m going to go tell everyone what's going on.” He says standing up.

“Everyone? Whos here?”

“The band there girls and mom and dad.”

“Dang that is everyone.”

“Yeah. I will be back soon.” He says leaning down to kiss my head.

He leaves the room leaving me alone to my thoughts.

I bite my lip thinking about what I am going to do. I never wanted children I didn’t know what kind of mother I would be. All I knew is I would do anything I could to keep him or her safe.

Wrapping my arms around my middle I ignore the tugging at my fractured wrist.

“I promise to keep you safe.” I say softly falling into deep thoughts.

[alightwhendarknessfell]

Lead singer was just mad because he got called old.

https://www.punknews.org/article/64164/the-dickies-respond-to-video-regarding-warped-tour-controversy

So this guy speaks in third person btw.

Just to warn you.

I grew up in LA, have been at festivals the Dickies were at and he had literally told women to go get RAPED before. The c word is a big part of his vocab directed at women. He has made jokes about go back to the kitchen where you belong you dumb twats, when he was addressing women in a mosh pit that got hurt or fell down. Because they couldn’t hang with the boys.

His issue was not that she accused him of being a pedo his issue was he didn’t like being called a dirty OLD man. He sighted ageism and was upset a piece of cardboard was thrown at him.

Ronnie I have lost all respect for. Since the Dickies never mentioned pro black activism or feminazi but Ronnie did. Which shows you more than you wanted to know about Ronnie.

He called basically pro black prowomen protesters and all artists that support those causes pussies. He called Warped itself that and by virtue Kevin Lyman.

None of this is okay or just boys running there mouths.

This is a silent hate seeping out that boiled up in entitled white rich males which is how we got Donald Trump as President and Mike Pence as our next option.

Ronnie has said some bad things in the past but clearly his past isn’t so far behind him.

He is basically saying a Warped Tour artist should be allowed to say or do whatever he wants if he is upset about hecklers. You know that is how mic stands get thrown again.

If you read his Twitter convo with Chris Biersack he seems incapable of stringing sentences together. I have wondered if he is off the wagon again for awhile and this damn near confirms it.

Now I want to place this in another context. If Juliet Simms attacked someone protesting her next year on WT and she insulted them because she didn’t like being called old. That was her main reason just like Leonard’s and Andy went to Twitter defending her saying he was tired of feminists and pro black protesters….what would you think then?

I am pretty sure these blogs would be having a field day and rightfully so.

So Leonard is a POS and so is Ronnie. Who clearly has some issues still. Potentially dangerous ones. I think you are more likely to get a video of Ronnie physically attacking someone soon than you are another one of Juliet and we all know she is a time bomb too.

I hate that I actually had to agree with Chris Biersack for a small moment in time but I did.

He shouldn’t have backed down but of course he did he is spineless and a kiss was.

Submission: I in no way agree with what The Dickies did and I don’t know about previous things they’ve said and done. The dude probably is a piece of shit. He did get mad however because he was accused of being a child molester which is something pretty serious to throw around at someone. Ronnie is problematic but I have friends that know him personally and they say he is a nice guy he just gets himself into trouble with his words.  

People clearly aren’t understanding the point I was trying to make about the situation. I said that no one was the ‘right’ side to take and I was referring to between Ronnie/Chris Biersack. Ronnie made some good points that punk isn’t going to be PC and that if it had been a woman artist saying that to a man people would be cheering her. It would still be wrong. 

I probably did come off the wrong way but that’s no what I meant. I was more defending some of Ronnie’s points. Artists do have a right to freedom of speech just as much as protesters. I don’t agree necessarily with what they say. If he had been throwing the N word around, using slurs, said she she get raped etc then I would have probably said something different. I didn’t know the band’s history though so I’m sorry for that. In light of all that it does speak to a serious problem on the singer’s part. Warped should have never booked them in the first place but they did. So that’s on Warped. 

What the dude did was shit but it’s not a crime, yet people who HAVE committed actual crimes continue to be on Warped. Andy also has stepped over the line when it came to haters in the crowd so I was also pointing out that Chris defended that but if someone else does it he criticizes it? 

[fakeit-jenna]

THE GREATEST SHOW || 2017

Jenna watched as the purple haired boy sprawled on the living room floor, his chest rising and falling quickly as he tried to catch his breath, with a broad grin on his face.  Her eldest daughter found herself comfortable by his side, the eldest of the Biersack girl’s sprawled across them both. She found herself unable to help her own smile as she settled into the arm of the couch, resting the notebook on her drawn up knees as she rummaged in her bag for a pen. She listened quietly to her friend’s muffled voice as he talked to her husband, finding comfort it the quiet noise from the kitchen. She watched as Dr Hoskin passed the living room door, two mugs held in his hands as he padded quietly back up the stairs to his his girlfriend and newborn. She smiled as a tiny black kitten curled up at her feet, and she lifted the pen to the paper.

I close my eyes and I can see The world that's waiting up for me That I call my own Through the dark, through the door Through where no one's been before But it feels like home

Dear Diary, It’s been seven months since I last talked to you, and what an eventful time it has been. As you know, I found myself back in a hospital, wishing to be with my family and desperately hoping for recovery. Well, during this time, I have added yet another near suicide to my count, as well as a fair few scars, friends, enemies and pills.

One unexpected friendship I’d like to say I made was with a pair of ghosts -who were in fact not ghosts. And have most likely forgotten who I am, so maybe friendship was not the best word to choose. I met these ghosts, I later found out were named Pete and Bee, through a man named Sam. Samuel Wilder – Who again, has most likely forgotten the small friendship we had. In that time, we evaded doctors, broke rules and confided secrets in one and other. I also convinced him I was a mass murderer and a psychopath, and hopefully then corrected that it was not me, and that he should not always fear those who have been given a negative reputation. Maybe I should ask Aaron for his mobile number, I’d love to clear up who the Murderer I was talking about really was. I’d also like to ask if he’s doing okay, in Trenowl, and finally receive an answer about whether he was fucking that doctor.

In that time, I had the amazing chances to finally mert Dallon, Flynn's father, and can admit that he seems sweet and is handsome, so I do hope that he one day finds someone he can love. I have also found admiration for baby Racheal, and Devin. Both children fathered by Andrew, who are not only beautiful but also loved and protected, despite what their lives have already thrown at them. I have also amended my friendships with Andrew, Hayley, and even Doctor Hoskin. It took a few difficulties to realize that Doctor Hoskin was a friend, that he did not infact believe that I was crazy, and instead did want to help me. Although I don’t remember much of that episode, I do remember coming to to find him cuddling me, ensuring that I was okay and explaining to me that I could be helped. In that moment, I realized that I could infact trust Aaron Hoskin – And truthfully, right now I find myself in his living room. In addition to that, I have found friends in his children - understanding that Holly has her reasons for being the way that she is, that Aaron has a reason for being over protective of them, that the youngest may be rude but for reasons unknown and unimaginable, and that two of the boys have made two of my friends the happiest that I have ever seen them.

As for Andrew and Hayley, I discovered that although what they did was unforgivable, that does not mean they deserve the treatment they received. Hayley’s relationship with Siska was most likely going to be destroyed by his addicted lifestyle, or by her love for children and his lack of paternal instinct. So, to take the positive of the negative situation- I’d like to admit that I am glad that she was able to have Racheal- and that she loves her daughter. I do feel sorry for Adam, and I hope that one day, he can recover and find himself back here, enjoying his friendships and his life once more. I don’t know what I’d do if I heard that the worst had happened to the boy.

Andrew. Well. Andy, he’s one that I can never truly bring myself to hate. I love that man, not in the same way that I love Kier, but in a way that would truly take a lot to turn to hatred. Yes, I do detest that fact that he betrayed my friend’s trust, and that he hurt people. But, that does not mean that I would begrudge him for his daughter, or his love for her. Or that I would try to jeopardize or resent his new relationship. He is happy. And for that, I am over the moon. The boy that he found is cute, sweet, and ideal. Awsten Tyler, one of Hoskin twins that none of us knew existed, returned and slowly but surely, they fixed each other. Andy is faithful, and I honestly can believe that he loves that boy more than he is controlled by his mind- well, his… you know what I mean by now. And the young Tyler is no longer using drugs, or seeking out unhealthy relationships with psychopaths – though I’m unsure if either of them know that I know this. I hope that his doubts about marriage do not interfere, because damn they’re a cute couple! and I can proudly inform you that Andy is now a free man, and I expect that he is a changed one too. Though, this brings me to a sorrowful moment to the damage of a once great friendship with said psychopath. I loved Micheal, and defended him despite knowing the truth, yet to see the damage he has done to the Tyler boy was enough to shake the confidence I once had in our friendship. That is not to say I wont continue to speak to him, I will just have to continue with more caution than I once held.

Another amazing discovery, is that of another two Hoskin-Tyler children. The first, Alex Tyler, is not one that I have gotten off on a good foot with, and given today’s drama, he’s not making any amendments to my opinion of him. However, the boy has experienced things that I could never wish on any twenty year old, and I will give him the benefit of the doubt, and believe this is just a consequence of the times. I hope in the new year, I’ll be proven right, and find that he is actually as sweet as I was expecting. Secondly, Young Jessica Belle Hoskin, mothered by Lauren, who has grown to be a good friend of mine, and fathered by The Doc. She is a beautiful baby, loved and cherished by both of her parents - and she makes me want another. So badly, myself and Kier find ourselves wanting and needing another. On top of this news, I’d like to congratulate Hope Tyler and Rowan Ellis on their engagement, although I can’t quite say it is a friendship that we have, I would love to wish them the best. And I am hoping to hear wedding bells for tu3 Doctor and his girl, though i'll never admit that to him.

Of course, I could not review my year without mention of my children. Seren is now one year old, and much like her sister, it has been one hell of a year. She has been separated from her parents, fostered by different faces (luckily all of which I find myself friends with) and I hope that the next year brings better memories. As for Melody-Grace, she is growing so quickly I don’t know where the time has gone. She’s almost three year’s old, which amazes me so unbelievably much. She is talking, and tormenting, and living a happy life like any toddler should. Though, I must mention that unfortunately I do have my fears that she may be becoming too much like her mother, finding herself restless and unable to settle. Aaron assures me she will grow out of this, I just hope that this is true.

As for the future, myself and Kier are hoping for another Kemp to join our clan. Though, that is not to say that we are not perfectly happy with our family as it is. We have our two beautiful girls and the soon to be three years of marriage we are celebrating together each and everyday. We are thankful for it all. This year may have been filled with ups and downs, and I will learn never to utter the words “This will be the best year ever” again, because DAMN was I wrong about that. One day, I’ll apologies to Andy, Ashley and even Dakota for it – I’m sure he believes that I am a jinx.

But I won't let them break me down to dust I know that there's a place for us For we are glorious

I’d like to sign off this year, my 2017, by informing - No- celebrating that I am no longer a resident of Trenowl Institution. I am still receiving medication, still recovering and adjusting, but I have never felt this comfortable in months. I’m finally home, with the people that I love. My own family, that I created myself throughout the darkness we often find ourselves in. Watching and hearing them having fun across this holiday season has filled my heart with such love and joy that I can’t begin to imagine that this is our world, our reality. I have my husband, my daughters and the closest of my friends, a million dreams that once kept me awake for days on end.

Kier and I went to watch a movie last night, at the cinema, for the first time as a couple. It’s strange to think, that after all these years, last night was the first normal thing we’ve done together as a couple, a free couple. I’m not certain whether it was the strange comfort of being there, with Kier as we watched the masterpiece on the screen, or whether it was the music that moved me. But something inside me resonated with the film, and I can’t seem to shake it from my mind.  I’m sure Andrew and Awsten are sick and tired of hearing about it.

The Greatest Showman displays a fabulously moving story, of a circus- The Greatest Show- which is combined of individuals coined ‘Oddities’ and ‘Freaks’, who are unable to find their place in society and are isolated. Yet they find themselves a collective belonging, they create a family. Just like my own.

One man, a normal but ambitious and caring man, pulled them all together and gave them a home, and support. He showed them how well they can function together, and believed in them. Of course, he had his doubts, those moments where he believed that all that they were is a bunch of misfits, but in the end – he provided them with a family, and believed in them. I won’t name the man that he reminded me of, because one day he may read this and ask why I am making a comparison between him and P.T Barnum. This man, The Doctor, is the individual that I am most thankful of for bringing my family together, and helping us to live through everything that has happened- not only in this year but in the past few- since the first day that I met him upon my admittance to Lovelace.

I understand that this sounds absolutely insane, once you consider who this family is. A doctor, his sons and daughters, and his crazy ex- patients. A bunch of misfits, who once found it impossible to pull themselves from the roller coaster of ups and downs life decided to trap us in. One way or another, we all met because we’re just that, ABSOLUTELY INSANE.

I am brave, I am bruised I am who I'm meant to be, this is me Look out 'cause here I come And I'm marching on to the beat I drum I'm not scared to be seen I make no apologies, this is me

Although crazy, I have learned to love the fact that this is my past, my present and my future. That this is who I am. I will never stop having these ups and downs, and I will never be perfectly normal. My Bipolar Disorder will never go away, or be fixed by some medicines or chemicals or talking - but it will make it easier. I will get better, better than I am, than I was. But never, never ever, will I change. Because I now know that this disorder is me, it is a part of me that I can’t hate, because without it- I would never have found the people in my life. I would never have found my family, or my friends, or had my children, or be here, in the Hoskin house, with the newest member of the biersack clan at warming my feet. 

I AM JENNA RACHEAL KEMP, AND I AM WHO I AM. AND I WILL MAKE 2018 MY OWN - I will survive it. No matter what anybody says.

They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy They can say, they can say I've lost my mind I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy We can live in a world that we design

[armcandyybiersack]

I'm Just A Little Bit Caught In The Middle

“"Miss Williams?”

Within the hour, Andy marched through the infirmary with a hint of a smirk playing on his lips. He had received a message from a nurse that his company was required and Andy was not going to miss any opportunity in spending time with his best friend. Andy slowed when he saw Nicole helping Hayley out of bed, stopping when he could see just how weak she truly was. Andy weaved through the beds, coming over and ignoring Nicole temporarily. “"Allow me, i’ll carry you, Red. Save your strength.” With Andy leaning down, Hayley immediately accepted the offer, her arms winding around his neck, clinging for dear life as Andy scooped her from behind her knees to carry her bridal style. Hayley’s hand gripped his top tightly, her hand fisting at his chest. “"Follow me, Mr. Biersack.” Andy couldn’t help but frown at the formality, but did as he was told more for Hayley than anything.

Noir sat herself down in the roller chair, pointing at the examination table. “"Lay her here and take a seat beside her,” Nicole continued with the formalities around Andy, his brows furrowing as he did so, clearly annoyed at the way the doctor was behaving. Hayley shivered at the cool surface beneath her, instantly reaching for Andy with another tired whine escaping her already exhausted body. Andy extended his hand out to her, clutching her small hand with his other free hand smoothing her hair to be as comforting as possible. “"I assume you know what’s going to happen here, Miss Williams?” Nicole rolled her chair over, a tube of gel in hand. “"This will be cold and I can only apologise but it’ll soon warm up.” Hayley nodded, her brows set deep as she bit into her lip, tensing again at the sudden temperature drop. Nicole smeared the gel across her stomach, looking at Hayley with some concern. “I’ll be as quick as this system will allow me, okay?”

With the ultrasound beginning, Nicole looked at the screen in front of her, trying to get the clearest image of their unborn. “Ah okay, we're in a good position here.” Nicole swung the monitor to face both Hayley and Andy, using her little finger to point out certain aspects. “"This here is the head and an arm just up here, do you see?” Hayley nodded, her top row of teeth toying with her lower lip. Andy stared at the screen, his heart racing seeming it was becoming a little too real for the male. Nicole smiled, looking for a reaction from the younger female. “"They look fine, but I do need to check their pulse.” Nicole took the scanner from her stomach briefly, giving her space to run the stethoscope along her stomach. “"Oh good, we have one.” Leaning over, Nicole turned the speakers up a little, nodding her head in time with the pulse. Hayley looked back at Andy, her hand squeezing his. “"I believe it's safe to say that this one is sound.” Noir confirmed, removing the stethoscope and replacing the scanner. “"I'll take a picture for you and also, if you’d like to know the gender, they're in a great position, which makes life easy.”

*****

Andy laid beside Hayley, her arm draped over his middle as she rested her head heavily on his chest. “"I don’t know if I can handle another female Biersack, Red.” Andy admitted as Hayley smiled a little to herself, her hand stroking along his side. “You’ll be fine.” Hayley mumbled, nuzzling him lightly in an attempt to get comfortable. Andy simply sighed in response, his hand in her hair, sliding his fingers through it gently, before his body gave in, his body falling limp as he fell asleep, Hayley siphoning any warmth he had to offer.

[xmads-omensx]

CHAPTER 1 - I SIT HERE AND SMILE DEAR

MASTERLIST

Word Count: 4,091

Content warnings: Swearing, angst, fluff, violence f you squint (pushing and shoving in a malicious way), mentions of alcohol, Ronnie Radke, blood, descriptions of a small wound

Tag List: @concreteangel92 @lma1986 @dragonfly92 @thisis--mj @bloody-delusion-expert @girlagainstg0d

(Please message or comment if you would like to be added to the taglist, or if I forgot to add you <3)

WARPED TOUR 2011 BECCA

My knee bounced up and down as I sat on the leather sofa in the tour bus. We had never had a proper tour bus before. The closest thing we had was Theo’s Dad’s old van that kept breaking down. Nerves shot through my body as I tried to slow my heart-rate and regain my normal breathing.

Warped Tour was by far the biggest tour we had ever done. Sure, we were still supporting other bands, but we weren’t performing in a small, run-down dive bar. This was real. Bring Me The Horizon. Pierce The Veil. Sleeping With Sirens. All Time Low. Motionless In White. Our favourite bands were playing alongside us. We were one of them.

“Quit bouncing your leg Becca, I feel like I’m experiencing a fucking earthquake right now, jeez.” Johnny, our bass player, complained.

The rest of the guys erupted in laughter.

“Calm your tits, Johnny! Leave me alone.” I laughed in reply.

I had never been this nervous for a set before. We only had one album out, Arachnophobia, that had been doing reasonably well, but I was still so nervous. What if we get booed off stage? What if we fuck up the timings? What if I trip and fall flat on my fucking face? Worst-case scenarios flashed through my mind at lightning speed, corrupting whatever positive and confident thought that I still possessed.

“I need some air.” I said to the guys in a small voice.

“You good?” Kevin, our lead guitar player called out to me from his seat at the opposite end of the sofa.

“No. I just need a minute of fresh air.” I tried to reassure him, ultimately failing miserably.

“You sure?” Luke, our rhythm guitar player asked from his bunk.

“Yep. I won’t be long.” I mumbled, just loud enough for them to hear.

I walked around the festival site for a little while. The tents where bands were stood meeting fans and selling merch were absolutely packed. We had been selling merch and meting some fans as well, but nowhere near the scale of any of the bands situated near our tent.

This was our first ever festival. As I said, we were a small band. No one really knew who we were. That could also be said about some of the other bands on this tour as well to be fair. Warped Tour seemed like a brilliant opportunity for new fans to start listening to us when our manager, Nick, pitched it to us. But now it seemed like literal hell on earth. God, what if people left our set?

I tried to push those thoughts down, but nothing worked. As soon as I forced out one doubt, another just popped up in its place. It felt like my mind was the hydra from ancient Greek myth. Equally as venomous and persistent. It was going to be difficult to keep those negative feelings at bay for the rest of the tour. I had always struggled with not feeling good enough, and this tour was just amplifying those ideas. If nobody came to our set, everything would have been for nothing.

My phone started ringing in my pocket after about twenty minutes of my walk. It was Nick. I stared at the screen for a second. Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth.

“Hey.” I said straight after answering the call.

“Hey yourself! Your set is in five minutes Bex. Get your ass to the stage right fucking now before I either lose my shit or lose my job. Whichever comes first.” Nick yelled down the line over the band who were finishing up their set before ours was due to start. I could hear the smile in his voice.

“Yep I’ll be there in a sec. I lost track of time, sorry.” I replied hurriedly.

“Great. Thanks. See you in a sec then.” Nick finished.

I started running back towards the stage when I bumped into something. It felt like a lamppost or something tall and thin like that. Except there weren’t any lampposts here. I looked up to see a tall, heavily tattooed man with long, black hair looking down at me with a slightly pained smile on his beautiful face.

I didn’t have time for this. I called out a quick sorry as I kept running towards the stage.

By the time I got there, I was doubled over and panting trying to catch my breath. “She’s here!” Luke shouted as I rounded the corner to the side-stage area. I was handed a microphone by Nick

“Good luck you guys. You’ve got this.” Nick encouraged with his arms round mine and Johnny’s shoulders. I took a breath in through my nose and out through my mouth as the rest of the guys walked onto the stage to begin the intro to the first song on our album, Make me Wanna Die, “Give ‘em hell kid.” Nick whispered in my ear with a pat on my back. I closed my eyes for a second then stepped out onto the stage.

The world around me seemed to slow down as I lifted my mic up to my mouth to start the song. My lyrics flew out of my mouth with a natural ease. This wasn’t as hard as I thought. A large crowd had formed at the stage. Not too bad for our first show of the tour. Some people in the crowd were singing along to the song, which filled me with pure joy and unrivalled confidence. I started to move and jump across the stage which excited the crowd even more. By the time we were halfway through our set, the crowd had grown significantly and even began singing even louder to the words that they knew.

I had never experienced such a buzz from the crowd. It felt electric. Looking at the rest of the band, it looked like they felt the same. Wide, beaming smiles were plastered on their faces. I was sure I wore a similar one on my own face. In fact, my face hurt because of the smile that covered my face.

Up until this point, the largest show that we had ever played was to only about eighty people. But now, we were performing to a crowd of about two hundred and fifty. It wasn’t a massive crowd by any means, but it was huge to us. All of our favourite bands started out like this, playing for much smaller crowds. It gave me hope that one day we could be as big as those bands. Someday.

“How is everyone doing?” I shouted into my microphone.

The crowd cheered in response. Holy shit.

“You guys having fun?” I asked.

The crowd cheered in response again. This felt so surreal.

“That’s good. We are too. You guys have been a great crowd.” I began. “This is our first Warped Tour, so thanks for making our first show sop fun because we are having an absolute blast up here.”

The crowd cheered and applauded.

“As you have probably gathered, I’m not exactly brilliant at this whole crowd work thing, but I’m not really used to crowds as fantastic as you guys.” I said with a huge grin on my face.

The crowed roared with cheers and applause.

“So anyway, this song is our last song of the set, and if you don’t mind we would like to play r for you.” I began. “I mean, it’s not like you really have much of a choice, we pre-decided the setlist before we came on stage.”

Laughter erupted around me.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a tall, skinny guy with long dark hair cascading over his shoulders with tattoos on his arms, at least I thought they were tattoos. I couldn’t tell if it was black paint or tattoos. Either way, they looked good. He was standing backstage with four other guys who were all fitted in similar outfits. They must be the band following us. The man who caught my eye was the tallest of the group. He looked familiar but I couldn’t place it.

“This song was written by one of my favourite bands and are one of the bands who inspired me to pursue music. We hope you have had a great time here watching our set. We have been The Magpies and this is ‘Call Me’ by Blondie.

The intro started and an immense sense of joy coursed through my veins. Since I was a kid, Debbie Harry had been one of my heroes and I was so proud that we got to play one of her songs to a crowd of people.

And that was the moment that I knew we were going to make it.

 “Holy fucking shit guys, you crushed that.” Nick yelled out at us with an impossibly huge grin  plastered on his face. He clapped us each one-by-one as we came off of the stage. “The crowd fucking loved you guys.”

“That was kickass.” Luke exclaimed with a look that I can only describe as pure joy.

“Dude what the fuck just happened.” Johnny exclaimed.

“Fuck that was sick!” Kevin yelled directly into my ear as he swung his arm over my shoulder.

“Damn I’m pumped!” Theo laughed.

“How the fuck did we pull that off?” I laughed along with the rest of the guys.

“Because we are hot shit Bex. Hot fucking shit.” Kevin shouted back at us as he followed Nick away from the stage and towards the bus.

I paused for a moment and watched the guys, my family, walk ahead of me. I never thought anything like this could happen to us. Let alone at such a young age. I was only 18 when we did our first Warped Tour.

“Come on slow coach we want to go hang before the barbeque.” Nick called back at me. I laughed and followed after them

Every year, there was a barbeque on the first day of tour. It was mainly so that everyone in all the bands and crew could meet eachother. Kind of like an icebreaker night I guess. This was going to be the most nervous I had been so far, including the show. Because now, I had no choice but to meet all of those bands who were practically the reason that I made music. Plus, I was pretty confident in saying that meeting Oli Sykes in person might literally kill me.

The fact that we would be meeting our heroes in such a short space of time was seriously starting to make me freak out. How were we worthy of all of this?

We made it to the bus and all sat down to play some Xbox together before the barbeque. Luke had flung himself onto the black, leather L-shaped sofa opposite the door.

“I don’t give a fuck what the rest of you want, I’m playing Call Of Duty.” He said whilst signing into the game and running a hand through his short blonde hair.

“What the fuck man! We play that all the fucking time.” Johnny complained.

“Let me be play too and you can do whatever you want.” Kevin laughed whilst grabbing the second controller and joining Luke in the game.

“Fuck you guys I’m going to have a nap before we have to go.” Theo sighed with a yawn, tying his shoulder length, curly brown hair into a low bun as he walked towards his bunk.

I sat next to Luke and laughed at their childish bickering as they played their game. Johnny sat shouting commands at the two other boys.

“If you want to sit there and yell at us then you should have joined the fucking game asshole.” Kevin laughed, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose as they had begun to slip down.

“Fuck you, there’s only two controllers dipshit.” Johnny argued back.

I started to block out their arguing as I picked up the book that I had been reading and snuggled further into the corner of the sofa. I had found comfort in books during the very short time that we had been touring. Sure, performing on stage was an escape from real life, for both us and the crowd, but that was still work at the end of the day. Reading, however, had the power to transport you to a different world entirely, a different dimension even if that’s what you wanted to find. It allowed my mind to escape the cage that it was trapped in and explore the endless possibilities that life held. It allowed me to hide from my problems. To escape reality. To run and never stop running, not until I was happy, not until I was free. And that freedom was the greatest feeling in the world.

 Before I knew it, my eyes had started to droop and I drifted off into a peaceful sleep. The best that I would probably have on this tour. My dreams were surprisingly pleasant as I fell deeper into my slumber before a pair of hands grasped my shoulders and began to shake me awake.

“Rebecca…. Beccaa…. Bex…. Beckyyy…..” A deep sing-song voice chanted as he shook my shoulders. My eyes fluttered awake, and leaning over me stood Theo. “There she is.” He said once my eyes had fully opened.

“What?” I mumbled as I rubbed my eyes.

“We have to go in like forty minutes, and we thought you might want to get ready.” He went on.

I stood up and stretched my arms over my head before letting out a yawn and making my way to the bathroom so that I could re-do my makeup and brush the birds nest that had formed in my hair.

I decided not to do anything crazy and to just touch up the makeup that I already had on, which was a more natural look with dark brown eyeshadow lining my upper lash line just a little bit. I tied up the top half of my long, brunette hair into a bun at the back of my head, letting some face-framing pieces hang loosely around my face. I changed into a white tank top with spaghetti straps and some black wide-leg ripped jeans with fishnets underneath. I grabbed an old, red Flash hoodie, that previously belonged to my ex but I liked the hoodie too much to return it, and tied it around my waist just in case it got chillier later in the night.

“Okay I’m ready.” I announced to the guys who were all sat on the sofa arguing over what movie to watch later. Unsurprising as they usually had this argument, then would watch a movie that wasn’t even part of the equation to begin with.

“Great, let’s go.” Nick said as he stood up, rubbing his hands together.

We all nodded in agreement and followed him out of the bus and towards the barbeque. There was an opening in the middle of where the buses were parked in which a large fire pit, surrounded by mismatched deckchairs, had been set up. The barbeque itself was positioned next to a staff bus, that the Warped Tour management team were staying in. They were the ones who essentially ran the tour and wanted to ensure that it went as smoothly as possible.

Straight away, a British accent caught my attention as five guys started approaching us. “Hey! You guys must be the Magpies.” One of the men asked us with a huge grin on his face.

Holy fucking shit. Danny Worsnop from Asking Alexandria was talking to us. THE Danny Worsnop from THE Asking Alexandria was talking to us. Us? We were nobodies here. He fucking knew who we were. Holy fucking shit I must still be dreaming.

“Yep that’s us.” Johnny said with a smile on his face, sticking out his arm to shake Danny’s hand. “Don’t worry, you don’t have to introduce yourselves, we are big fans, Becca especially. But I’m Johnny and I’m the bass player, this dumbass is Theo our drummer, Luke and Kevin here are our guitar players, and this shy bitch is Becca, our singer.” Johnny introduced. We each raised our hands in a wave when Johnny said our names.

“It’s so nice to meet you all. It’s about time a new band joined the lineup.” Ben laughed.

“Well, the Black Veil Brides guys are new here.” Cam said.

“Yeah, obviously, but I mean a band we haven’t met before.” Ben laughed at his bandmate and rolled his eyes at Cam playfully.

“We toured with them last year for a while. They’re great guys.” James said to the rest of us.

“Hey, you should totally meet them later if you’re up for it.” Ben enthusiastically suggested.

“Yeah, totally.” Theo said with a smile. “But let’s eat first, I’m fucking starving.”

“Agreed.” Danny laughed. We all started walking towards the barbeque and Ben fell into step with me. We fell into easy conversation. I could tell immediately that we were going to be good friends.

“So how did your first show go?” Ben asked.

“It went fucking amazingly. We’ve never played to a crowd that big before, and they actually seemed to enjoy our set which was fucking brilliant.” I gushed.

“Yeah, I caught some songs towards the end of your set. You guys fucking crushed it. Andy said he saw the last few songs and thought you guys were pretty cool.” He said.

“Andy?” I asked.

“Yeah. Oh shit you haven’t met him yet. He’s the singer in Black Veil Brides. He’s super cool, I think you’d like him.” Ben explained.

“Cool. It’s weird having this many people on a tour together.” I continued. “It’s only ever really been us supporting another band. Never any more than that.”

“I remember when we started out like that. We thought we’d never make it, but look where we are now.” He laughed. “Once you get used to it, it gets less weird.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” I replied.

Before I even realised it, we had reached the barbeque. People from various different bands and their crew mingled about as they all socialised with eachother. It seemed as though most of the people here already knew eachother from previous tours.

Ben introduced me to his friends on the tour, which was already a shock to be hanging out with Ben fucking Bruce. I tried to push my nerves down as he introduced me to the likes of Vic Fuentes, Kelin Quinn, Oli Sykes, Chris Motionless and Ricky Horror. I surprised myself with how ‘normal’ I managed to act around them. After all, it’s not every day that you meet your favourite musicians. I tried to remind myself that I would be touring with these people, so it wouldn’t be the best idea to fangirl and embarrass myself the first time I met them.

Ben and I grabbed a burger each and sat down on some of the spare deck chairs to eat them.

“Have you just put gherkins in your fucking burger?” I asked Ben in utter disbelief.

“Yep.” He grinned, popping the p. “Do you have a problem with that?”

“Of course I do that’s disgusting! I don’t think we can be friends after this.” I gasped at him in mock offense.

“Wow. You’re one of those?” Ben chuckled.

“One of what?” I laughed at him.

“Someone who doesn’t have taste.” He laughed.

I threw my dirty napkin at him in response.

“EW!” He screamed dramatically, throwing his own napkin right back at me.

I laughed hysterically at him.

“Okay. I’m glad you two are having fun, but I was sitting there, so if you could just move that would be great.” A deep voice tore through the bliss that I was experiencing with Ben.

“Oh fuck off Ronnie, we both know you weren’t sat here.” Ben rolled his eyes.

“Seriously, Bruce? You’re gonna start shit on the first day of tour?” The man, who I assumed was called Ronnie sighed back.

“Just fuck off Ronnie, the no one has to start shit.” Ben said through gritted teeth.

“Seriously man, why do you have to make everything so damn hard all the time!” Ronnie shouted at Ben.

“I’m not the problem here man.” Ben raised his hands in mock surrender.

“Take your pretty friend here, and go suck each other’s faces somewhere else jackass!” Ronnie yelled.

“Woah, woah.” Ben started, raising his voice at Ronnie, “We both know that’s not what was happening here okay. Let’s just move on.”

“Move.” Ronnie said through gritted teeth.

“No.” Ben said with a laugh, as he leaned back in the chair and crossed his legs, relaxing further.

Before I could even register what was happening, Ronnie lunged forward and shoved Ben out of the chair backwards. I jumped up and pushed Ronnie backwards so that he couldn’t lunge towards Ben anymore. Instead, he only stumbled back a few steps before he shoved me backwards too, nocking my beer out of my hand, making it spill all over me. I put my hands below me to try and stop the fall, when I felt a sharp pain in my hand. I lifted my hand up to get a look at it, only to be greeted with a shard of glass poking out the palm of my hand and blood dripping from the wound.

I winced as I slowly tried to pull the broken glass out of my hand, completely oblivious to the fact that Johnny and Luke had ran over and dragged Ronnie away before punching him in the face, knocking him to the floor. The shard of glass wasn’t anything massive, but once it was out of my hand, more blood pooled in the palm of my hand.

From behind me, I felt a pair of arms snake underneath my armpits and begin to pull me up to my feet. Once I was standing again, I turned to see who had lifted me up. I was greeted by a chest clad in a black t-shirt with the Batman logo on. The shirt hung slightly loosely on the skinny frame of the person, who I assumed was a man, who now stood in front of me. I had to crane my neck to see his face, which was obscured by long black locks of hair. I could make out an array of tattoos on his arms that I hadn’t noticed before.

Holy shit. This was the guy that I had literally ran into before my set earlier.

“You okay? That looks deep.” He said, concern plastered all over his face as he took my hand in his much bigger one.

“Y-y-yeah.” I stuttered out, still in shock from what had just happened.

“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” He led me gently away from where Johnny and Luke were being held back by Asking Alexandria and Ronnie was being dragged away by Jacky Vincent and Ryan Seaman.

The man led me to a tour bus where we met another man, who also had long black hair.

“Hey man, what the fuck?” The new man said with an incredulous look on his face as we got closer to the bus.

“Ronnie is back on his dumbass shit.” The first man, who was still holding my elbow, said in reply.

“Of course he is.” The second man scoffed while going into the tour bus, holding open the door for myself and the first man.

Their tour bus looked pretty much the same as ours did, except there was lots of makeup all over the place and various items that looked like they were made of leather. It was messier than ours too which I liked. It made me feel better about how I left things when I was getting ready.

“This is Jake.” The first man gestured to the second man. “I’m not too sure where the others are though? Probably still at the barbeque. It’s Becca right?”

“Oh, yeah. That’s me.” I said quietly with a weak laugh.

He stared at me for a beat as I looked at him expectantly. It felt like he was looking right into my soul with those blue eyes of his.

“Who are you?” I asked timidly.

“Me?” He pointed at his chest.

I nodded my head. I could tell he wasn’t very good at talking.

“I’m Andy.” He said with a beautiful smile. “Pleasure to meet you.”

Chapter 2

WE DON'T BELONG MASTERLIST

MAIN MASTERLIST

[xmads-omensx]

Just a heads up, there is no order to when these will be posted as I’m doing a little bit of each and writing when inspiration hits.

They will all be written, I just can’t guarantee when at this point.

Thank you to anyone who has sent in a request that I am currently working on, and I am so sorry if you end up waiting a while for your request to be written.

REQUESTS CLOSED

Noah Sebastian

Longer Works

ANYTHING > HUMAN (cyberpunk AU) Just For Tonight (fake dating miniseries)

Noah X Actress! Reader - mixed media (social media, one shots, headcannons, thots)

One Shots

Request

Call Me Lover pt. 3

Andy Biersack

We Don’t Belong (Andy X Musician OC)

Mcfly

Harry request (message)

MAIN MASTERLIST

[fakeit-jenna]

HARD TIMES || 18/05/2017

Jenna settled herself at the bottom of the bed, her legs still tangled with her husband as she watched him doze with their daughters. She felt calm, calmer than she had in months, now that her family surrounded her. So calm, so herself, that she decided to follow Dr Hoskin’s instruction to dig out her old journal. She set the book in her lap and flicked through the crumpled pages to find a clean one.

May 17, 2017

Hello old friend, It’s me again. I know it’s been a while but I guess it’s finally time again. Even the doctor thought so too. Of all the places that I thought I would find myself, I never wished it to be here, in another hospital away from both of my children. Right now, they’re sleeping here, Seren-Josie and Melody-Grace, two gorgeous little girls here with their mommy and daddy, rightfully. Only, I know that they do not belong, not here. They’re too young, too good, too innocent and pure for a place like Trenowl Institution. I know that it’s selfish to want them here.

Kier is here, of course, admitted two months before I finally lost it and joined him, neither of us coming willingly. Noir likes to believe that I did what I did because I couldn’t cope without my husband, my other half. But I know that it’s because I’m self destructive, Hoskin knows that too. I am pleased that I am with him, that we are surviving this place together. That I have my husband to protect, to comfort and to ground me as much as he can, as much as I need. He is the only one that seems to tug me back into the slightest sanity of myself. Recently, we celebrated our second anniversary. I think it’s fitting that it was here.

Though, Kier has me worried, worried that this place has changed him. I don’t mean physically, or changed him enough that it’s visible. But small things, some invisible changes that strikes me as different, unusual in the way that he behaves. I hate to even think about it. He’s absent, reluctant to share with me about his sessions with Noir, avoidant while I ask him about incidents with Lauren, with Jack…with Scott. Many nights, he’s retuned to the room with cracked and bruised knuckles, and lately, I’ve discovered the cause.

Jack Barakat. Well, Jack’s face to be precise. The fresh bruises on his jaw, the darkness surrounding his eyes and the cautiousness of his movements all makes sense to me now. All of the fear, inside of Jack, caused by Kier, by my very husband, the man who swore to protect me from harm. At one time, Kier would cringe at the thought and violence…and now… It scares me, to admit that he is capable of causing harm (despite what I already know.).

Jack, I have learned, has taken up the room in Adam’s bed. An emptiness left by Hayley’s affair, filled by his ex lover, his ex abuser. I wonder if Sisky is doing it to get back at Hayley, or whether he just craves the comfort Jack offers- though I’d never ask. Sometimes I worry about him, about the wounds that have been left in the boy. I just hope Jack doesn’t hurt him again too bad. It upsets me to see him like this, broken and shaken. I know it’s her fault, Andy’s too…as well as their unborn child.

Andy and Hayley, their affair caused so much upheaval that I’m afraid to return home. They betrayed Ashley’s trust, her faith and hope in her engagement. They took away the hope she had of returning home to her family, to begin living a life. I can honestly say it shocked me to hear, at first, that Andy would hurt her like he did. Don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware of his capability, of the past and part that I played in it. But I allowed myself to believe that he had changed, that he loved Ashley enough to change. I believed that my friend had fallen in love enough not to break her heart when she trusted him, when she needed him the most. But I can’t claim that I am surprised to learn that Andrew Biersack refuses to change. Stubborn ass that he is.

Hayley, however, I am shocked by- astounded even. Now I am aware that she loves Andy, that she craves his attention- and that he returns the sentiment. Yet, I never thought that she was capable of ruining another’s relationship without second thought of the consequences. I will admit that I am ashamed that she would hurt Ashley like that, and Sisky.

And I am furious to discover that they could be so careless, reckless and outright stupid about it. To discover that Hayley is with Andy’s child hurt me, hurt me differently to those they betrayed, but hurt me none the less. To know that they were irresponsible, and disrespectful of the people they would hurt, ignorant to the risk of introducing another life to our shitstorm.  To know that they are responsible for the life of another scares me.

However, that does not mean that I will refuse to support Hayley, to offer her as much help as I can as she tries to correct her mistakes. I wish the same could be said for Hoskin. As much as it saddens me to think of, I will hold Hayley’s hand if she makes the decision not to carry this child.

I don’t believe that Aaron is being stubborn, or an asshole, no. I understand his reluctance, that he is enraged with what Hayley and Andy did to Sisky and Ashley. I understand his want and need to protect Ashley when she is vulnerable, he has always had a soft spot for the girl since the incident with Jack. Though, I hope that he would not punish Hayley, that he would not force her make a decision she does not want- or worse- to take that decision away from her.

The affair, as I have learnt was a need for comfort, to fill an absence left by the hospitalization of Adam and Ashley. However, I do not understand why the would be driven to cause so much harm, when they claim to love them so severely.

Andy, I believe, did love Ash. I believe that he loved her so much that the deteriation of her health caused him to grow distant. I have witnessed Ashley’s downfall myself, her alcoholism and reliance on substances rather than those who care for her. And I understand that it must be difficult for Andy to combat it while believing that he is enough for her. But that does not mean that I can justify his actions. When Ashley got ill, she needed him, and he should have cared and protected her so violently that he refused to leave her side. Yet, he distanced himself more. Classic Andy. He found comfort in another. I cannot blame Ashley for her decision to call off the marriage, and I hope that “Just-friends” William Tyler will take care of her. And Dakota.

I know that the knowledge of Ashley and another will hurt Andy, it will torment him. I know that he cares enough to be hurt by her finding safety in another, that it will break away another little chip of his ability to love. I worry that he will get worse because of it. But Ashley deserves to move on, and he seems occupied with Katy enough to get over it.

In regards to Dr Hoskin, I would like to believe that we have begun to make amends – since he willingly supported me through rough times. He provided me with answers that everybody else has been too afraid to share with me, helped me through an issue that continues to haunt me. He is not a bad man, nor is he a bad doctor, and I hope that he makes the right decisions regarding my friends.

May 18, 2017

As for myself, I have no real comment- at least not one that will make sense. Right now, I am calm, collected and responsible for my daughters- just like a good mother should be. But I do know that once they leave, the calmness inside of my chest will vanish too- unleashing the chaos contained inside. I feel it churning, even now, threatening to take control of me. I hope, for the sake of my girls, that it lasts long enough to enjoy the slightest normalities my family offer me.

I am fully aware that I am ill. That the illness I have been inflicted with and diagnosed will never truly leave me, and is infact incurable. But nobody told me that I would get worse. That I would deteriorate and lose the little control I have over myself. I was not warned that my illness could cost me my family, that I will lose all hope of retuning home. I want to live a full and happy life with my children and my husband.

The nightmares have worsened. There’s a worrying and unsettling urge to escape this hospital, the people in it, the person inside of me. I am afraid of who I am becoming, and I am terrified to seek help. I am afraid of them telling me that I am finally beyond help. The worst, is that I am afraid to let Kier see how much I am falling apart, in fear of him worsening himself. I want him to recover, to return and take care of our children and make sure they live the best lives we could possibly provide.

Kier’s incidents with Jack have scared me. And I am consumed by the thought of my husband being violent. Although I know with everything inside of me that Kier would never turn violent truly, or that he would harm me or our children, I am worried that this is changing him into someone bitter, someone harsh and colder that he was before.

I’m scared that I am losing myself, and the people that I love. The world and the family I have rebuilt around myself so many times is crumbling, and there is nothing I can do to stop it