#we deserved angela experiencing it so much...

[l-in-the-light]

The Otherworlds merging... or is it something else? (spoilers for Silent Hill 2!)

Remember when James said this line to Eddie? Kinda ironic, considering the scene below...

Remember what he did just before he killed Mary? He tucked her in bed, kissed her goodnight (on the forehead), and then stared into her eyes for a good moment... turned his eyes away, then back again to hers, and he snapped immediately after.

"You can't just kill someone cause of the way they looked at you..."

"You see it too? For me, it's always like this"

Why is James able to feel the heat of Angela's Otherworld and the coldness of Eddie's? Why is he fighting Angela's monster? Why does Angela mistake him for her mother?

I don't think their Otherworlds are merging just because they have spend a lot of time with each other (they really didn't, it was like three meetings each in the original). They definitely couldn't have bonded to the point that James can understand Angela's pain and see her trauma personified.

Nobody can understand another person's pain and suffering, we're all different people with different experiences. Understanding that is the first step towards showing true empathy for someone.

If Abstract Daddy/Ideal Father looks the way he looks because we see him through James's eyes and through his life experiences/trauma, then why is it also Angela's monster and why are we fighting it? Does it suggest that James and Angela share similar (but not the same, it can never be the same) experiences in this particular case? Does James have traumatic memories related to his own father, Frank Sunderland?

Of course James also just wants to help Angela, to save her. James seems to have a saviour complex, which might be the result of Mary's illness (he wanted to save her but couldn't, because the disease was untreatable and fatal, there was no way to cure Mary and he could only watch her dying. He failed her).

But there's another side to this, if we consider that Silent Hill is a reflection of character's own personal traumas and creatures might represent personal triggers...

"Even my mama said it. I deserved what happened"

"You fat, disgusting piece of shit! You make me sick!"

"Well, what are you looking at? Get the hell out of here!" / "I was so angry, I struck out at everyone I loved. Especially you"

Angela, Eddie and James. They all share one theme in common in those lines above: being on the receiving end of emotional/verbal abuse.

When we look at the design of James's monsters, they share something in common: emphasis on the mouth area. Lying Figures early design had a very distinguishable mouth, the final design instead sprays "vomit" on you, which is said to represent Mary lashing out verbally at James. Bubble Head Nurse has a red square covering her mouth, like to seal it shut. Flesh Lips is the boss that is a lump of flesh with detailed pair of lips. Abstract Daddy actually follows this design trope as well.

It's James's monster, it represents him suffocating Mary, the memory he repressed. The monster wouldn't look this way if it was Angela's. Abstract Daddy doesn't represent what you think it does! It would look completely different if we saw it through Angela's eyes and it would look most likely like her father, not two people having intercourse on a bed. In other words, it was never depicting intercourse. It's supposed to be surreal representation, not *literal*, and if you think it's intercourse then you're going for the most literal interpretation ever, not symbolic. The "James suffocating Mary" might not even be the final interpretation of it either.

Why did they all met in Silent Hill in the first place?

Angela wanted someone to save her but also wanted to find her mom, Eddie had enough of the abuse but was a coward, they don't seem to have much in common, besides this: they both experienced lifelong abuse, lasting ever since their childhood, and at least big part of it was emotional/verbal abuse. If the story in Silent Hill 2 is told through parallels, then it suggests Mary wasn't the first time James experienced abuse either.

It makes sense. That's the reason why he couldn't bring himself to visit Mary in the hospital. She lashed out at him, it triggered him, but he didn't understand why he's reacting like that, why he has such a hard time going back to visit her, why he starts to hate her. Finally, he succumbed to alcohol to deal with the anxiety of resurfacing past trauma. Eddie btw did a similar thing, but he was overeating instead to deal with his triggers. Food calmed him down, even though it also made him gain weight and caused the bullying to intensify (most likely).

James forgot what he did to Mary. He shows signs of dissociating in many moments of the game (especially in the remake, like when he first cries after Maria died and then leaves her behind emotionlessly). His behaviour fits behaviour of someone used to being verbally abused as well: his quiet withdrawn behaviour, him shutting up immediately after someone lashes out at him (for example when Eddie screamed at him), never defending himself (Angela calling him names and he was just standing there quietly). James seems to remind Angela of her mother. In a family with history of abuse it rarely affects only one person. Her father was probably abusive towards the mother as well and if he lashed out at her often, she was probably a very withdrawn person, never defending herself, speaking in low quiet voice etc. This might be exactly the part which reminded Angela of her mother when she saw James, because that's how he always behaves as well.

He thought Mary died three years ago, because that's when Mary's disease started, and with it the verbal abuse as well. Maybe it wasn't even his first blackout experience either. When Laura locks him in the room, he has a really strong reaction, even begs her to let him out (despite not wanting to beg at first), and after Flesh Lips fight we have this weird sequence of staring at the ceilling, hallucinating Mary's voice, and James wakes up in a completely different place, doesn't know how he got out of that locked room. My guess is that was yet another of his dissociative blackouts.

You didn't want her around anymore. Admit it!

No...

You probably found someone else!

NO!

(this is literally the only moment in the game in which James assertively stands up for himself. Through the rest of the story he simply lets Maria, Laura and Eddie trashtalk him)

I wanted you out of the way. The truth is, I hated you *shakes head*. I wanted my life back.

If that's true...

Despite saying it so clearly before that he wouldn't want Mary out of his life and searching so desperately for her (I just want Mary back, I can't go on without you anymore), at the end he admits Angela was right... or was she? She didn't actually know him much. Mary, on the other hand, knew him probably the best in the world, and she claimed that what he said is not true. But if it's not true then why did James say that?

That's because he doesn't understand why he did what he did. He killed her most likely while experiencing a blackout or he snapped after reaching his breaking point, while triggered, and only later experienced a blackout. The only thing he remembers is the feelings he felt for Mary after she lashed out at him (hatred, helplessness, self-loathing), which weren't his feelings for Mary, but his reaction to the verbal abuse he experienced. But he couldn't seperate the past traumatic event from the trigger he was experiencing in the present. Vivid flashbacks and feeling like re-living a past trauma in the present moment are all signs of PTSD. As the result, a person might avoid meeting other people or situations that can even remotely remind them of their traumatic experience. Sounds like James avoiding to visit Mary in the hospital, to me. He of course didn't understand why he is behaving like that or why he feels so overwhelmed, so he ended up blaming himself and thought he is a bad partner as the result, as many people suffering from PTSD would, even though what they're going through isn't their fault.

I'm not saying that what James did was good (it definitely wasn't, and that's not the point I was trying to make at all). I'm just trying to point out that James shows signs of PTSD, just like Angela and Eddie do as well (is it a good depiction of PTSD? Definitely not perfect, but not too bad either. Could be better without the murder plotline). Silent Hill 2's story at the heart of it is actually a tragedy, not a murder story.

I wish we could know more about James and his past...

[isitisitearlymichael]

I’ve been thinking about Mike and El’s argument scene today, and I really don’t like the way Mike ends up looking like the bad guy by the end of it.

Mike went into that conversation hoping to have an open conversation with El. He wanted to listen to her, and understand why she had been lying to him for months. He wanted to know how she ended up in that situation with Angela and didn’t let him help her.

Instead of a proper explanation and conversation, it was turned around on him and El accused him of not loving her anymore. And while his reaction to that wasn’t the best, it seemed unfair that suddenly their relationship issues were being blamed entirely on him.

He wasn’t even looking for an apology, even though I think he deserved one. He just wanted to try to relate to her, to listen to her. But when he tried to reason with her and mentioned the bullying he had experienced throughout school, El shut him down.

What bothers me about this is that the argument leads to Mike essentially going on this mission all season to save their relationship. It’s left in his hands to tell her he loves her and therefore “fix” everything. He even says “sorry” to her. But the “love” issue wasn’t even what that argument was about in the first place.

El is the one who hasn’t been communicating with Mike and needs to fix their relationship, if it has a future at all. By the end of the season, there’s still been no progress from her side as she doesn’t even tell him what happened with Max and hides away in her room.

By pushing Mike away in this way, it also really adds to the feeling that Mike doesn’t know her well at all, and makes his love confession fall flat. It feels like we know so much more about her than he does.

I don’t want this post to come across like I hate El or something. I know she’s been through a lot of trauma and it’s been especially difficult for her to open up verbally up to now. But at this point, they’ve supposed to have been a couple for at least 15 months and yet still haven’t found time to actually talk to each other properly. And I just don’t like how their relationship issues ultimately got framed as being Mike’s fault.

[whatwouldvalerydo]

For this month of @hp-12monthsofmagic I decided to have all my characters and talk about what love is for them. Hope you like it.

A dim light is cast in the middle of an otherwise pitch black room. Eight chairs make a perfect circle, names written down on them. Somewhere in the distance a door opening is heard, several footsteps resonating against the floor as eight people make their way towards the chairs assigned to them.

Some of them exchange a smile, a small greeting, while others look around the room, not a word being offered. But they all know who each and every single one is. They all also know the assignment handed out, however no one wants to go first.

The sound of a lighter is heard, eyes turning towards Gareth Farr who just lit up a cigarette “So, how do we do this? From old to new, new to old, or perhaps the ones who have been more silent as of late would like to start?” he asked, eyes travelling towards Leila Hellebore, her letting out a low hiss “Now, now, why so rigid? We are here to talk about how we see love. The sooner you speak the sooner you can get this over with.”

“Then you do it.” She snarled, eyes averting towards the darkness surrounding them.

Lifting her hand, Victoria Summer smiled “I can go first, although Oli is usually better with words that me.” A light being cast on her, Victoria squinting her eyes, sheltering them with her hand “I know love is different for everyone, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s warmth, like a lazy summer afternoon in the middle of a glorious garden filled with the most exquisite scents.” The light above her started changing colors, a pink hue taking over “It’s trying, it’s about making a choice and never giving up.”

A scoff was heard from within the room, however Victoria did not even look at the woman, instead continuing “It’s about passion” the light above turning more towards red “in all its meaning. About finding in that certain someone the world. Overwhelming, but beautiful nonetheless. Gareth, you can continue.”

His brows lifted, him nodding his head only once “Certainly.” Sitting up straighter, he tried to ignore the bright light shinning above him “Love in my case is a lesson, a very hard one to learn. Unfair at times” the color changing to grey “but regardless it is rewarding. I believe I have loved truly only once in my life despite the number of partners I had or will have. Times certainly played a part, my status even more so. But love also came in a different form and it was then I learned that was enough as well. Love is kind, it teaches you, humbles you in ways you never thought possible. Love is a trickster, but I think it gives you just what you deserve or need, not what you want.”

His eyes circled the room, landing on Leila, however he nominated Angela King. Offering a shy smile around the room, she finally spoke “I don’t know much about it, I’m currently trying new things, taking a leap so to speak, but I think a leap is a good way of describing love. It has a power like no other force in this world, be it for family, a partner, a pet, oneself or a certain thing.” The light above her started turning yellow, Angela smiling “But it’s beautiful, it’s…it should be amazing despite the struggles you endure and take to get there. That’s what I think right now. Jin, would you like to try?”

“Of course.” He took a small bow, thanking her for her words before he told the room his own vision “I never really experienced love like you all. When I see and hear how the majority of you perceive it, I truly know there is a difference. I have several wives and have had several men in my bed during my existence, however that does not mean I do not understand love. It is just different for someone like me.” He looked up, squinting since the color did not change “It is about sacrifices, putting others first before yourself, selfless if you will. It should be effortless, a base, a stable one at that.” The hues of his light finally turning towards a light brown, Jin Watanabe shaking his head, eyes locking with Talia Crane.

“Don’t nominate me, I’ll go last.” She stated, Jin pointing towards Jonathan King.

Lifting his hand, he awkwardly waved at everyone “Love” a smile forming on his lips instantly as he thought about Lachlan “is for me and I have to agree with Jin, should be effortless, but it doesn’t always go like that. I think it takes time, time for one to realize exactly what they want from love. It should be easy, but it’s not. It’s messy, it’s about being up late and night thinking about someone, listening to songs and your mind going to that person and it’s confusing as Hell. But when it happens, there’s nothing that can compare to it. It’s like your entire body is filled with this energy, your soul burning for one thing and one thing only. It’s scary” the light above him shifting between blue and green as he spoke “but it’s like finding home in the eyes and arms of that one person.” The room remained silent, some nodding, Jonathan turning to Scarlett Tempest.

Flipping her hair back, she rolled her eyes “Of course you’d fucking nominate me. Fine, let’s play this stupid game. Love. It’s overrated, oversold, tacky.” Checking her nails she reached inside her bag pulling out a pair of sunglasses “This light has better not be with high UV. Now back to the matter at hand, I think that somehow despite all the shit in this world that it’s for everyone and each of us have someone set for them. Not a soulmate, but close. It should feel safe, it should be like falling for your best friend” she pointed at Jonathan “or finding that person again” she said pointing at Victoria “and yes, it’s confusing and some days you want to strangle them when they rant on about Pokemon and health points and skills in I don’t know what game, but it’s endearing as well. And love should feel like you belong. Leila dear?” the light above her turning green as she finished speaking.

“Call me dear one more time and I will hunt you like one.” She frowned when the light shined on her, however she started speaking “It is strong yes, that is the definition of love, strength. It is about making a choice and having the power to abide by that choice. Never easy, never without a struggle, but rewarding. When you finally reach that calm” blue shinning over her “and the certainty that no one can touch you as long as you are by their side, that is power. That is love. A roar inside one’s soul, stronger than magic, freeing. It is freedom.”

Looking over at Talia, she glared upwards when the light shinned upon her “Love.” She smirked, shaking her head “It’s nothing but trouble.” Looking over at Gareth, she asked for a cigarette, continuing to speak once one was lit between her lips “And it’s different every time, just like each person, never ever the same. It’s sad and cruel or at least we make it like that. A sentiment that disturbs the very depths of you.” The light shut down, darkness surrounding her “Fitting” she scoffed “so I will keep it short. Yes it fuels and consumes you. It elevates and it crumbles you to dust. It’s disturbing enough and we allow it. When you live long enough your perception changes. And I envy the mortals because most of them see the better part of it.”

Taking a long drag, smoke left her lips “But I have seen the light and the dark. There are good times too, I won’t lie, but I’m still trying to understand it. And the more I live, the more it eludes me. But then again I’ve always been a sucker for love, so I’m curious to see what will happen when and if my heart will ever decide not to love. Not to consume the one near me. We will see.”

“So you are saying love is bad and it changes as years progress? Do I have that right?” Gareth asked her.

“Depends who you’re with. It can suffocate you or help you to finally breathe, sometimes both. Odd no?”

“Very.” Jin spoke, being the first to get up, all lights going out, before a bright white light came on “I do believe we are done. And that we are also not yet done with our journeys. There is much to come, much to be felt. I can only hope the best for all of you and myself included. Now shall we? I believe my home is far better suited than this empty shell of a room. Let us go, I have more stories to tell. Leila, you too and do not hiss at me.” Smiling at the group, he turned towards the door they all walked through.

[winterfrozelifeoutoffall]

Angela and the Sorgenkinds

Exhibition text for Chloe and Bel at Asbestos, Sep-Oct 2023

A peculiar show at a peculiar time; Bel and Chloe vaguely slouch towards each other, barely coexisting in the mundane bareness we’ve all been conditioned to laud. Laud because we’re myopic or unoriginal, or maybe just because we actually believe it’s the best we deserve. Horizontality, levelling out a cluttered space, performing vitality to subsist or just get by.

A scene is a stage and all your friends are actors. I don’t know what a picture of Myles in a messy room says to a synaptic bolt of black, Je ne sais quoi. Anabel’s lines are direct but random, her composition sparse but terse. The constellations of spray painted pencils and various brushed pointed ovals miraculously avoid forming any cogent associations, yet somehow straddle the edges of what feel like references. The canvas bears countless little scuffs and marks, colliding and mingling with each other to create united bold features. Negative space is complicated to the point of optical illusion in some points of particularly tremendous tension. The markings feel organic and atmospheric, but not so much as to distract or labour the point of their ambience. Je ne sais quoi, I don’t know. Myopia. I guess we’re on the precipice of change? Post Guzzler, post Meow, post everything that’s happened and hasn’t happened. Post a time that called for something serious, maybe just now gone. Is this show emblematic of some future or some past? Something is being lamented, commiserating a loss of innocence — but it’s not a fresh wound. Not an autopsy, but like a wake or like a birthday. Something is bubbling under the surface. Angst. Commiseration. A ritual for past time and times passed. Pathological or mythological, I don’t know. Myles stares at whatever it is he’s working on, sitting there, kind of awkwardly, and sweetly, on the ground in front of a messy assemblage of musical instruments, art supplies, and general sharehouse clutter. This scene is so familiar it's almost cliché. Chloe has a way of staging people with unconventional stage presences. Maybe it’s just patience, giving her subject the space to sprawl out. Somewhere between rehearsed and spontaneous the image has a blog-ish sensibility, a lived aesthetic is captured in a moment that unveils it and leaves it standing on its own, unadorned and sheepish and embarrassing. The boundary between real and pretend is destroyed when you live life beautifully. The artifice of style is appended to the virtue of truth, but it’s kind of tragic when you catch a glimpse of the fiction in yourself in isolation — the fiction implicit in our outwardly facing personae looks funny and weird when decoupled from the stage it’s normally performed on. Bel and Chloe’s work is expressive, but not self-exclamatory. They are subjects that are not subjected. Auteurs that do not self-mythologise. They are style. They do not mine their subjectivity for content, they are experiencing it expressively. It’s cynical to call bullshit on earnest expression, on tender emotions, even naivety, so if you don’t agree, that’s valid, but at least be real. This world doesn’t happen to them, they just happen in this world. They have Je ne sais quoi. I don’t think they know either. Sometimes you look at a friend in their messy home and something inside you just snaps. Like heartbreak, but kind of joie de vivre. Not every thought has to be complete. Not everyone suffers from their ailments. The opposite of disillusionment is not an illusion. Singular moments punctuate Asbestos with explosive gusto, but quietly, like don’t look away, you might just miss it. An ouroboros in the making, a glottal stop, anxiously waiting to violently rupture a surface like I don’t know. Like I don’t know like I don’t know like the artist’s room is like a little cave of love. Electrifying beauty grips the imagination and just keeps pouring out. This feeling is real, the red is intense, the sunshine heals but it’s blinding. A synapse prunes itself in anticipation of a familiar shock. Change happens slowly. Everything new hurts.

[angel-uhrr]

here we fucking go again

so you broke up. and this time, it seems like it’s the end. and you know logically that there’s nothing that can fix it but healing and time, but of course you miss him and of course you log onto this stupid fucking blog because of course you come in here everytime that you feel like garbage. 

the personal tag on this tumblr is rapidly becoming a diary of all the shitty things that have happened in your life - your first failed relationship (fuck you t*******), your depression from first year undergrad (and again in first year grad school), your rejection from med school, and now your second failed relationship. prime yourself for more entries from me when im too distracted to work because lord knows that this breakup hurts more than the last one because this guy is a genuinely good guy. 

or at least i think he is. i want to believe he is. i didnt spend three years with a guy who isnt a good guy. i didnt spend three years with a guy who didn’t love me the best way i have ever experienced in my life (although i don’t really have that much experience with it). i didnt spend three years with a guy who made me feel less than in any way, i spent three years with a guy who learned how to love me and wanted to keep loving me. 

he just mistook love for feelings when love is, in fact, choices. i cant really fault him for that. i cant even say i havent been there. but part of me will always wonder what couldve happened to us if the conversation went a different way. 

1) if he told me sooner, maybe. 

2) if i didnt rush into suggesting to break up, perhaps. 

3) if we took the time we said we would apart so he could make the decision that he had to make with clear eyes, i don’t know. 

that’s not what happened though.

here’s where i do a very long rundown of why those what ifs are not going to help you. 

1) if he told you sooner: he didn’t. that’s on him. you can’t do anything about this so don’t even consider this one. he didn’t. and even if he did, you don’t know if this outcome would’ve happened regardless. 

2) if you didn’t suggest breaking up: that’s not only on you. that’s on both of you for agreeing about it. 

but also, even if it was all on you, that’s a natural reaction to how things went. say you didn’t suggest breaking up, what would you be doing right now? calling him and feeling like he isn’t in it? doubting the kind words that he tells you because of his lack of feelings? trying to work things out with someone who clearly, so fucking clearly wasn’t sure if he wanted to? no. angela, no. you deserve to be with someone who, despite feeling that way, tells you firmly and confidently that he wants to make it work with you no matter what. no second thoughts or hesitation whatsoever just because of something as flimsy as feelings. 

3) if we took our time apart: that was also on him. he should not have played with your feelings by asking you out like that. he should not have tried to make you feel like he had a decision when he didn’t. he should not have used the words that he did to ask you out tomorrow when he didn’t know for certain that he wanted to be with you. no. no. that is not how it works. not to mention, this time right now? this is time apart.

it’s just time apart with no false hope that you will be together again. and that is what you need to properly focus on yourself. you know it too, you aren’t a dumb bitch. you’re in fucking grad school, near halfway done for pete’s sake. you’re quadruple published and are more than this relationship. you know it too. because you’re so smart, you’ll know exactly what im going to say next: 

getting better to get back together should not be your focus. 

get better for your own sake. get better so you can walk the earth proud of yourself. get better for the loved ones who did choose to stick around and walk you through this challenging time. 

you told him a billion and one times that “i was happy with my life before you, if we end, i can be happy again, because i am my own person.” you meant that shit. and he is the same, he can be happy on his own too. and should be. 

anyways, all this to say that you are amazing. come on here to vent anytime you’re bothering your friends a little too much. i’m always here to listen. 

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 18X04

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

I didn’t hate this episode, but I didn’t love it either which seems to be a reoccurring theme so far this season. I enjoyed seeing Addison back, but I wish they’d gone deeper and we’d seen her interact with characters other than Amelia. I loved the conversations that she had with Amelia, but I wish they'd gone farther with it. I also wish we learned more about how her step-daughter Angela is doing as her storyline was left in a weird place when Private Practice ended and I'd love to have seen some follow up there. I would have also loved for her to have met Scout, Link, Leo, Teddy, and Owen. I was hoping Amelia would make her godmother to Scout the way Addison made her Godmother to Henry and I'm sad that didn't happen.

I liked Addison and Amelia’s conversation about the pandemic, but I was a bit confused when Addison said she heard about Meredith being sick with COVID and had prayed for her. Does that imply that Addison heard from other people and her and Amelia weren't talking during the pandemic? That doesn't make much sense to me. I got what Amelia was saying about her and Link, but I'm confused as to why she still hasn't told Link that she doesn't want more kids and she knows he does which is apparently why she doesn't want to get married? I'm still unclear on what Amelia's opposition to marriage is about at this point.

I’m also confused as to why we didn’t see Meredith introduce Jo to Addison in this episode as they briefly met in the previous episode and it seemed like they were setting something up there. She also didn’t meet Carina which was odd considering that Carina came to Grey Sloan with her ground breaking study and Addison is the country’s foremost neo-natal surgeon. You’d think Carina would make meeting Addison a priority? Speaking of which, I’d love to see Carina stick around and mentor Jo some more. They've spent a lot of time talking about Jo switching to OBGYN but not a lot of time actually showing her switching. I think Carina could be a great mentor to Jo and I miss the mentorship relationships on the show so I would like to see it.

I think Webber’s new teaching method was a success overall as Levi really shined as did Dr. Khan. I'm glad that they are using Dr. Khan's experience to help the other residents. Something I didn't get when Koracick was in charge was why he assigned an experienced vascular surgeon who was retraining to scut work. I like that under Webber the hospital is using the resources it has more effectively. I think it was good for the residents to get more OR time, but I'm a bit confused as to why Bailey was upset with Helm and called what she did a mistake afterward. I don't really see what Helm could have done differently given the circumstances.

I was sad that Owen and Winston’s patient Roy died and how hard Noah took it and how he pushed Owen away and refused his help. I think Owen will eventually be able to get through to him, but it will take some time. You can see how much helping veterans who have been sickened by their exposure to burn pits while serving means to him and it's an important cause to advocate for with his study. While I've never been an Owen Hunt fan this is an important story and I'm happy to see Owen having a storyline outside of his messy love life. I liked seeing Owen and Winston interact more in this episode. I also liked that Hayes is getting to know the other characters more and that Owen invited him out for a beer at the end of the episode.

Speaking of the Hunt family, I feel bad for Megan and Farouk now that we’ve found out that Farouk is sick again and will require surgery. They've both been through so much and deserve happiness. There was some great acting in the scene where Hayes told Megan that Farouk would need surgery, but I was so distracted by the thought that they might be trying to pair those two up that I couldn't really focus on the scene. The idea of the two of them together is nauseating to me. Same with Hayes and Jo. I'll never like it. I'll always hate it. And if the show actually winds up going that route, I'll never forgive them.

Likewise, I totally hated the end scene with Meredith and Nick. They spent two whole seasons setting up Meredith and Hayes and now they just expect us to get on board with Meredith and Nick because Scott Speedman was suddenly available? Yeah no. That’s not gonna happen. This pairing disgusts me. It’s stupid, nonsensical, and such an insult to fans who have stuck with the show for all of these years. Nick just isn’t an interesting character. He has no real personality, always comes off like he’s either a jerk or totally out of it, and I don’t feel any chemistry whatsoever. The whole thing feels completely forced and out of the blue.

I didn't really have a favourite scene or part this episode. This season has been so lacklustre for me. If I had to pick, I'd say the scenes between Addison and Amelia and as a runner up the scenes in the OR with Levi and Khan. The pacing for me still feels off and the music choices have been really weird this season. It's like the music doesn't match the moment. The music is upbeat but the scene is sad or emotional. Towards the end of the episode it was hard for me to hear what Addison and Amelia were saying at the elevator because the music overpowered the dialogue. The pacing, editing, and music choices really need an overall.

Until next time!

[masterthespianduchovny]

I have seen far too much discourse coming from white people along the lines of ‘you need to reflect on your unconscious racial bias if you think Sam/Rebecca is a massively problematic pairing’ and honestly, fuck that. An extremely wealthy club owner in her late 40s and a young black club employee in his early 20s is never going to be a healthy dynamic. Even if it was the most non-toxic relationship ever depicted on camera, the professional and personal strain on them if it became public would be enough to poison it. Sam is an adult, yeah, and a kind and thoughtful one who can make choices. But it’s not ‘infantilising’ to suggest that those choices aren’t divorced from context, that he is the one with less power in the situation, and that he deserves to experience a healthier and far less stressful love than it’s likely to be between him and Rebecca.

I’m disappointed the show has gone this way primarily because it feels like such an enormous, misogynistic cliché for a female character to make a monumentally stupid decision in her personal life that fucks up the professional. How many times have we seen that before?

Tbh, I do think that white people are primarily driving this racism narrative.

Not to say that no black person is supporting this pairing, but as a black woman, in my experience many black women would struggle with this ship, if not, actively loathe it. Again, it's possible that a black woman does ship this, however, I think it's a minority and for reasons you mentioned.

Some people keep scoffing at the age gap criticism, but when you add race into it, this becomes even more problematic. An older, white rich woman who is a club owner with a young, black boyfriend/lover who works for her?

More black people would be more concerned about that dynamic and not accusing fans of being racist for valid concerns about age gaps and power imbalances.

And someone could argue this is mild/subtle racism, but considering the shit that has gone on in the Star Wars fandom, sleepy hollow, twisted, etc (there are huge ones I can't think of), I'm struggling to see the racism here. Even if Sam was white, most of the core criticisms still remain the same. Sam is STILL significantly younger and STILL works for her.

And, as I mentioned in another post, the Ozark community was appalled at an age gap relationship between an 18 year old and a 50+ year old woman where both characters are white. Where is the racism there?

They also tried to argue ageism, but another pairing I mentioned was a man in his late 30s and a woman in her late 50s/early 60s in the show Succession is actually hugely popular. The anti shipping faction only makes up a minority in this case.

Hell, in Mission Impossible (the last one that came out. lol), people were shipping Angela Bassett and Henry Cavil who have, I think, a 20 plus age difference.

Racism and ageism are popular in may fandoms, unfortunately, but that isn't always the case as mentioned in my many examples.

These Sam/Rebeca shippers/defenders are the ones divorcing context from why this pairing is so problematic. They refuse to see it. Even when they acknowledge it, they downplay the ramifications if they got together--whether or not anyone found out. Why would they want this from Sam, a character they're allegedly trying to protect from fandom racism? Meanwhile, if things go as they want, Sam will be experiencing in universe racism. Who's winning here? Surely not Sam.

I'm not going to make any judgments about the storyline because I'm hoping they're the smart writers I insist they are. lol. Whatever happens, write me again so we can discuss it. :)

[kemifatoba]

C/O Berlin Magazine | It’s a space for everyone, and everyone can come in — Thoughts for the future

“I cringe when I hear words like ‘diversity’ and ‘inclusion.” To quote the civil rights activist, philosopher, and writer Angela Davis, “diversity” and “inclusion” are terms that you, dear reader, might have also stumbled across in recent months, whether you wanted to or not. Inspired by global Black Lives Matter protests, mainstream media, corporations, and other institutions finally realized – in some cases as it seems overnight – that racism is also an intractable problem in Germany. Unfortunately, we need more than just hollow words and empty promises to solve this problem. You might be thinking to yourself: “But didn’t people take to the streets or write opinion pieces in newspapers to protest structural racism? And didn’t major institutions promise to offer diversity and inclusion workshops in discussion after discussion on television?” Perhaps, but don’t be fooled. Instead of critically questioning the role that white decision-makers play in perpetuating systemic racism, “society” was blamed. Over and over again, Black* people were asked to answer if they had really experienced racism through scrutiny of their real-life stories, while predominantly white “experts” were invited onto talk shows to discuss the so-called “racism debate”. Profound, structural changes are still lacking, at least as of the time this text goes to print. 

Presence equals power. This brings us to the current moment where you are reading these words about British photographer Nadine Ijewere’s solo show at C/O Berlin. Nadine Ijewere is the first Black woman to be given a space that has previously been occupied almost exclusively by white men. As such, this exhibition is significant not only for Black photographers, but for everyone more used to being treated as the object than the artist or curator in spaces like this where many people don’t feel welcome or simply don’t exist. As trivial as it may sound, visibility comes from being able to hang pictures on a wall—or write these lines.

Joy as an act of resistance. Nadine Ijewere belongs to a generation of artists and creatives who have realized that there are more options than simply following the traditional path. Knowing that society has long since changed—even if many gatekeepers in fashion, art, and the media still cling to the status quo—this DIY generation is creating its own platforms to elevate their own role models with an army of loyal followers. In their work, representatives of this generation create worlds that rarely center Eurocentric beauty norms. The same goes for this young British artist, whose work shows people in all their beauty and uniqueness. Her photographs regularly appear on the pages of British, American and Italian Vogue, i-D, or Garage, and she has collaborated with brands such as Nina Ricci and Stella McCartney. Ijewere proves that beauty is multifaceted and that fashion is fun and for everyone. 

More than a seat at the table. When artists like Ijewere make it to the top, it’s not because of nepotism, tokenism, or diversity as a trend, but despite all the obstacles that have been put in their way. And instead of assimilating after being accepted by the old guard, they continue to write their own rules. In Ijewere’s case, this means not only working with diverse models and teams, but also passing her knowledge on as a mentor to keep the proverbial door open. She’s less driven by the desire to stand out from the mainstream than she is to give back by inspiring younger generations, who are able to see themselves in magazines. “Within the time I have, I’ll use every opportunity I get and every space I can get into to expand the horizon of others.”

Representation matters. Celebrating Black people and people of color in a traditionally white space was also the goal of “Visibility is key – #RepresentationMatters,” a watershed moment for the German lifestyle magazine industry when it launched on vogue.de in spring 2019. The goal was to take first steps toward a forward-thinking future where inclusion and diversity would no longer be mere buzzwords, but lived practices. Part of that effort meant ensuring representation in front of as well as behind the camera. The results weren’t perfect and they might not have led to social change, but we proved that there isn’t a lack of creative talent among Black and Brown people in Germany. If anything, we proved that these talents are often denied the space to develop their full potential. 

Ideas for the future. As you see, dear reader, it takes teamwork to bring about long-term change, and for the first time the doors are open a bit. Nadine Ijewere's exhibition shows this, as does being able to write these very words in the C/O Berlin Newspaper. In the statements below, we asked German and international artists and creatives to envision a future where representation and inclusion are lived practices instead of rare exceptions. The results are ideas for a future that is reachable—as long as we all keep working towards it every day. Together.

Nadine Ijewere, artist Art is about art. It’s not about you personally. That’s why artists need to be seen as artists. We all get stereotyped and put into the same box—but we have our own identity. We are put into the same space just because we are Black, but we are all very different people.

Edward Enninful, OBE, Editor-in-Chief of British Vogue Nadine is one of the leading fashion photographers of her generation. She’s not only inherently British in her work, she’s also Black British. She really understands the complex mix of culture, fashion, beauty, and the inner working of a woman, so when you see her images, it’s never just a photograph. There’s also a story and a narrative behind it.

Benjamin Alexander Huseby & Serhat Işık, designers for the label GmbH Our work has always been about wanting to show our community and culture to tell our stories as authentically as we can. It was never about “diversity”, but about being seen. We want to create a world where not only exceptional Black and Brown talents no longer have to be truly exceptional to get recognition for their work, a world where we no longer are the only non-white person in the room because we built the motherfucking house ourselves.

Mohamed Amjahid, freelance journalist and author, whose book Der weiße Fleck will be published by Piper Verlag on March 1, 2021. It's time that Black women become bosses. Gay Arabs should get to call the shots. Refugees belong on the executive boards of big corporations. Children of so-called “guest workers” should move into management positions too. People with disabilities should not just have a say, they should make the decisions. Vulnerable groups deserve to put their talents and ideas to work in the service of the whole society. Not every person of color is automatically a good leader by virtue of their background, but all-white, cis-male executive boards are certainly incapable of making decisions that are right for everyone. That’s why we need more representation at the very top, where the decisions are made.

Melisa Karakuş, founder of renk., the first German-Turkish magazine For a better future, I demand that we educate our children to be anti-racist and to resist when others or when they themselves are subjected to racism. I demand that discrimination is understood through the lens of intersectionality and solidarity! I demand that even those who are not affected by racism stand up against it! This fight is not one that we as Black people and people of color fight alone—for a better future, we all have to work together. 

Tarik Tesfu, host of shows including the NDR talk show deep und deutlich When I look in the mirror, I see someone who grew up in the Ruhr region and loves currywurst with French fries as much as Whitney Houston. I see a person who has his pros and cons and who is so much more than his skin color. I see a subject. But the German media and cultural system seem to see it differently because far too often, Black people are degraded and made into objects for the reproduction of racist bullshit. I'm tired of explaining racism to Annette and Thomas because I really have better things to do (for example, my job). So get out of my light and let me shine.

Ronan Mckenzie, photographer The future of our industry needs to be one with more consideration for those that are within it. One that isn’t shrouded in burnout and the stresses of late payments, and one that doesn’t make anyone question whether they have been booked for the quality of their work or to be tokenized for the color of their skin. The future of our industry needs to go beyond the performative Instagram posts and mean-nothing awards, to truly sharing resources and lifting up one another. Our industry needs to put its money where its mouth is when words like “support”, “community” or “diversity” slip out, instead of using buzzwords that create an illusion of championing us. How there can be so much money in this industry yet so many struggle to keep up with their rent, feed themselves, or just rest without worrying about money is truly a travesty. If this industry is to survive then we who make it what it is need to be able to thrive.

Ferda Ataman, journalist and chair of Neue deutsche Medienmacher*innen A recent survey of the country's most important editors-in-chief revealed that many of them think diversity is good, but they don't want to do anything about it. This is based on the assumption that everyone good will succeed. Unfortunately, that’s not true. It’s not just a person’s qualifications that are decisive, but other criteria as well, such as similarity and habit (“XY fits in with us”). It's high time that all of us—everywhere—demand a serious commitment to openness and diversity. Something is seriously wrong in pure white spaces that can’t be explained by people’s professional qualifications alone. Or to put it differently: a good diversity strategy always has an anti-racist effect.

Nana Addison, founder of CURL CON and CURL Agency Being sustainable and inclusive means thinking about all skin tones, all hair textures, and all body shapes—in the beauty industry, in marketing communications, as well as in the media landscape. These three industries work hand in hand in shaping people’s perceptions of themselves and others. It’s important to take responsibility and be proactive and progressive to ensure inclusivity.

Dogukan Nesanir, stylist  The current system is not designed to help minorities. By giving advantages to certain people and groups, it automatically deprives others of the chance to attain certain positions in the first place. That's why I don't even ask myself the question "What if?" anymore. My work is not about advancing a fake worldview, but about highlighting all the real in the good and the bad. I strongly believe that if some powerful gatekeepers gave in, if representation and diversity happened behind the scenes and we had the chance to show what the world REALLY looks like, we wouldn't be having these discussions at all. I don't just want an invitation to the table, I want to own the table and change things.

Arpana Aischa Berndt & Raquel Dukpa, editors of the catalog I See You – Thoughts on the Film “Futur drei” In the German film and television industry, production teams and casting directors are increasingly looking for a “diverse” cast. Casting calls are almost exclusively formulated by white people who profit from telling stories of people of color and Black people by using them, but without changing their own structures in the process. Application requirements and selection processes in film schools even shut out marginalized people by denying them the opportunities that come with being in these institutions. People of color and migrants as well as Black, indigenous, Jewish, queer, and disabled people can all tell stories, too. Production companies need to understand that expertise doesn’t necessarily come with a film degree.

Vanessa Vu & Minh Thu Tran, hosts of the podcast Rice and Shine  It may be convenient to ignore entire groups, but we are and have been so much more for a very long time. We contribute to culture by making films or plays and bring new perspectives to science, politics, and journalism. We’re Olympic athletes, curators, artists, singers, dancers, and inventors. We dazzle and shine despite not always being seen. Because we have each other and we’ve created opportunities to do the things we love. We’ve created platforms for each other and built communities. Slowly but surely we are finally getting applause and recognition for the fact that we exist. That's nice. But what we really need is not just the opportunity to exist, but the opportunity to continue to grow and to stop basing our work primarily on self-exploitation. We need security, reliability, and money. That's the hard currency of recognition. That would mean being truly seen.

*Black is a political self-designation and is capitalized to indicate that being Black is about connectedness due to shared experiences of racism.

Written by: Alexandra Bondi de Antoni & Kemi Fatoba C/O Berlin Magazine April 2021

[elldell1204]

Nightmare - Upstead Fic

This is my first Upstead fic, so I really hope you like it as I am so proud of it 😊 It’s starts towards the end of 7x09 and is an alternative, more tense ending to the actual episode/storyline, in my opinion. Enjoy!

wc - 3,688

“Angela.” It was almost a whisper, that’s how dry his throat was and how weak he had grown over the last twenty-four hours of almost constant beatdowns. Not only did Jay have to deal with the physical torture, but the mental one too. Every moment that led up to where he was right now was being replayed in his head, seeing as he has nothing more to do. Being the type of guy who always tries to find a way to improve himself in every way possible, he’s picking apart each second, imagining the hundreds of different ways things could have gone differently if he had just let the call go to voicemail, told his partner where he was going, gone in with backup, heard the guy’s footsteps behind him, fought him off. Hell, he was even going back as far as to question his quick decision of Marcus West being the one responsible for the murder of two young boys. He sees now though that he was getting too involved, being too emotional, trying his absolute best not to slip into the cold, heartless shell of a man that returned from Afghanistan all those years ago to the point where he went too far and got an innocent man killed. 

“Angela.” He tried again, prying the eye open that wasn’t glued shut with dried blood from the gash on his forehead. “Kick one of those pipes over to me.”

The woman that sat slumped against the pipes across from him raised her head. But she didn’t meet his eyes. How could she after what he had just revealed to her? The man before her had murdered her husband, in her mind. And even though her only chance at survival was to work with him, she had absolutely no desire in her heart to do so. He deserved to die, and if that meant that she would too, then so be it. But every time her thoughts ventured there, she reminded herself of her son. He already lost his father, so he needed his mother more than ever.

“C’mon, Angela.” He had managed to free his left hand by now, the ropes that once bound him hanging loose from his wrist as he gestured towards the objects in question. “We gotta work together if we’re gonna get outta here, so you have to kick one over, c’mon, please. It’s the only way.”

It was then she lifted her eyes to his. The dark chestnut pools had lost all life and purpose and were emotionally empty, barring the harsh disgust that was boring holes straight through to Jay’s soul, so deep he could sense it bubbling inside him, the feeling so undeniably familiar, being that he felt it towards himself the night he discovered his mistake, unable to correct it as it was too late.

***

Unbeknownst to Jay, his beloved unit was rallying outside the very building he was being held prisoner in, ready to take down an army if it meant they’d save him.

Voight was dishing out orders to each of them, but Hailey wasn’t listening, not really. She knew she’d do anything to get to Jay, even if it meant going against the boss’ orders or putting her own life in danger. Thoughts of how she could be so stupid to let him go without backup or to get her hopes up that he’d be in the van for the exchange kept swirling around in her brain. But she had to be totally focused on the now. The next few minutes could land anywhere on the spectrum between the most ideal scenario of finding him perfectly okay and finding him in a lifeless heap on the floor. She had to be alert and ready for anything.

That’s why she didn’t hesitate when Kevin hoisted her up to crawl through the vent in the wall.

***

It was now or never. The weaker of their two captors had come down the stairs a few seconds ago, armed with a water bottle and a fresh dressing for Angela’s wound. Now he was knelt down beside her, applying it whilst trying to keep down whatever he had for lunch. It was pretty much useless. She needed a miracle after the amount of blood she had already lost, and still it kept gushing out, even though Jay was pretty sure she didn’t have a much left.

“There you go.” The man announced, getting to his feet but staying crouched.

“Can I have some water?” Jay piped up, adrenaline starting to seep into his blood at the mere thought of the feat he was going to have to pull off.

The man simply looked over his shoulder at the battered and bruised body behind him, showing no objection nor acceptance.

“Please, man.” Jay begged now, his voice breathier to play the part.

The man’s gaze returned and stayed on Angela as he grabbed the water bottle, stepping backwards towards Jay when the harsh ringing of the metal pipe echoed throughout the murky basement as it collided with his head.

After he dropped to the floor, Jay checked he was out cold before sliding the rope, tied to his right wrist, off the pipe. He attempted to get to his feet, but he felt the room spin and decided on crawling until his blood pressure went back up. He once again checked the man was unconscious along with casting a glance over to the stairs to make sure the other guy wasn’t on his was to beat the crap out of him. Satisfied with the answer to both, he searched his victim’s pockets for a weapon of any kind. He found a switchblade, and although he would have preferred a gun, it would have to do. He then grabbed the pipe before crossing the short distance to Angela, kneeling down beside her.

“You did good.” He said, a little out of breath, as he used to knife to cut through the ropes that tethered her to the pipes like he was. The only acknowledgement he got was a helpless whimper and a sad little nod.

“Okay, stay here,” he gave the pipe to Angela, then laid a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I’m going after the other one.”

And he was up. As stealthily as he could, he climbed the stairs, attempting to stay flat to the wall and out of sight. He could hear the words flowing from the other guy’s mouth, anger lacing each one, along with heavy footsteps reverberating across the floor above him. Then after a deep breath, he emerged, sprinting towards the guy who had his back turned. That was until Jay was about three feet away, when he promptly turned and fought back, blocking the slashes of Jay’s hand with his forearm and landing a punch to Jay’s gut with his other hand. It didn’t stop Jay though, he swung and he swung, and he knew, he knew that he’d have this guy by now if he wasn’t so goddamn weak and in pain.

The guy managed to forcefully shove Jay away from him, long enough to raise his revolver and fire a shot off. A lucky shot. One that ripped through the flesh of Jay’s shoulder like it was paper.

And he screamed.

A guttural scream that resonated from somewhere deep inside of him as the pain ripped through him. He staggered backwards, clutching at his wound whilst the agony set in.

And he was so goddamn close to getting out of there.

“Jay!”

He heard it. And though it was fairly far away, he couldn’t mistake that voice for anyone else’s.

Hailey.

Oh, how he cursed himself for not telling her how he felt before. He knew how unreliable tomorrow is, he’d experienced it first-hand with too many people, yet still he had assumed it was going to come around. Now all he had left to ease the pain of his stupidity was to convince himself that she would be better off without him. She deserves so much better than him. He was a murderer, essentially. And we’re not talking the bad guys, here. Marcus West had been on his conscious since the day he died, and despite the numerous assurances from multiple people that it wasn’t his fault that he died, he knew in his heart that at least some part of it was. He reverted his mind back to Hailey as he waited for the second and fatal shot to come his way. After all, if he was going to go out, he knew it would be a lot more peaceful if his thoughts were filled with bright blonde hair, bright blue eyes that remined him of the sky on the most perfect of sunny days and the infectious smile that could make him feel whole when he caused it.

***

She heard the gunshot. She’d heard hundreds before, but this one, the one that was most likely the difference between life and death for her partner, was the loudest. So loud it made her heart stop and legs go weak at the same time. It felt as if the walls were suffocating her, coaxing her into an unconscious state where nothing was real. Not like a dream, but less of a nightmare than the one she was living in now.

But she clutched onto reality, staying awake and hauling herself back into the moment.

“Jay!” She screamed as powerful as she could, her legs finding the strength to sprint in the direction of the gunshot. It was her only way of telling him that she was there and begging him to hold on, for her.

She needs him alive. She needs him to have her back, in every aspect of life. She needs him to make her smile when everything else seems dreary.

She needs him.

***

“C’mon, pretty boy.”

Jay was only partially conscious as he was half dragged, half stumbling up the steps to the roof. He had no idea what this guy was doing. Why didn’t he just finish him off when he had the chance?

They practically burst through the door and onto the roof, the guy shoving Jay so that he fell to his knees in from of him. He groaned, but still managed to get to his feet, albeit achingly slowly. Turning to face his captor, he was met with the barrel of a gun.

“Who are you?” The man seethed. “You told us your name was Jim, but that girl shouted Jay.”

Jay didn’t say a word. He just maintained eye contact with his one good eye.

“And the way you fought me...I have to give it to you; you were pretty damn good.” The man chuckled sadistically before stopping abruptly. “Which makes it very likely that you’re a cop.”

Jay’s eyes must have flickered, because the man soon cocked the revolver, taking a step forward and urging Jay to take a step back.

“Fuck.” The man grimaced. “I knew it.”

“You’re done, man.” Jay said, seeing his chance to negotiate. “It’s over, you can’t win. So either shoot me and get charged with the murder of a police officer, or let me go. You can escape, if you’re quick, and no one will even know you were here. I’ll tell them your buddy was the only guy and he was the one who shot me.”

He genuinely seemed to consider it, only for a second, before a rage burned in his eyes stronger than Jay had ever witnessed before.

“Why can’t I have both things that I want? You, dead, and escape.” He inched further forward, the barbaric smile returning, and Jay stepped further back. “As far as I know, you fell off the roof trying to let your cop buddies know you were up here.”

That’s when Jay realised how close to the edge he was, and a lump grew in his throat.

***

“Where the hell is he?” Hailey shouted, slamming her hands down on the table beside her. The rest of the unit, which had recently regrouped after sweeping the warehouse, flinched at the loud bang but understood her frustration as they felt it themselves. Hailey found the spot where the gunshot had happened; the blood splatter on the wall tipped her off. The first place she looked was down the stairs, but she had only found Angela, slouched against the wall, and one of the captors, laid out unconscious. But no gun, and no Jay.

“There’s only two exits, and Kim and Rojas have them covered. Let’s do another sweep of the warehouse, they can’t have just disappeared.” Voight ordered, and they all dispersed, except Hailey, who still had both hands firmly planted on the table as she breathed deeply, grasping onto the little composure she had left.

That’s when she realised there were more than two exits. There was one leading onto the roof.

She sprinted off towards the stairs that she’d memorised from the blueprints and climbed them faster than she thought humanly possible. When she reached the roof, she couldn’t help but to throw open the door, her gun raised ready to fire. And as she stepped out onto the roof, she took a split second to thank her past self for taking an extra few minutes to look over the blueprints one last time.

***

Both men heard the door open, only Jay had the advantage of being the one facing it. Which is why he had a few second lead of seeing the flurry of blonde hair rushing out. And also why he had the chance, whilst his captor turned to see what the noise was, to grab the gun and attempt to pry it from his hands. But the attempt was unsuccessful, mainly down to the fact only one of his arms was currently operational, so it resulted in a struggle of tangled limbs and grunts as each man tried to claim the gun as their own. That also meant that Hailey didn’t have a clear shot in fear of shooting her partner.

But suddenly she wished she had taken the chance and trusted her skills when both bodies tumbled off the roof.

She couldn’t move. She was fixed in place in fear of seeing her partner, her best friend, falling to his death. That’s when she heard the crack, the one from the bodies hitting the sidewalk, and it was then that every fibre of her being wanted to shatter. She wanted to fall to her hands and knees and wail and howl until she was hoarse and her tears had formed puddles below her.

But she didn’t. She ran to the edge of the building where she braced herself before looking over, ready to confirm her worst nightmare. And down on the pavement were mangled limbs and spattered blood surrounding them.

And Jay grasping onto a protruding metal pole with his right hand, his body dangling precariously as he grits his teeth to endure the pain.

Hailey couldn’t believe it. She wasn’t religious, but she thanked whoever was looking down right now for the miracle that just occurred.

“Jay!” She shouted, and you could tell she was on the threshold of breaking down from the way even the single syllable she spoke wobbled with unshed tears. She reached down her hand to grab his wrist, but she knew she wasn’t going to be able to pull him up on her own, even if she had all the adrenaline in the world pumping through her veins. “Help! On the roof!”

She screamed it once. Twice. Three times. All the while, keeping her grip on Jay’s wrist as he hung helplessly. But she could tell he was getting tired, and he was already weak to begin with. The next time she spoke she couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

“Just hold on, Jay, please. Please hold on.” It came out almost in sobs, but she was so desperate for him to stay strong that she didn’t care.

“Oh my god, Hailey!” Kevin shouted from the top of the stairs behind her. She heard his footsteps racing across the gravel before he dropped to his stomach beside her and looked over the edge. He didn’t hesitate to grab Jay’s arm, both him and Hailey heaving the man up and onto the roof.

And that’s where he gave up, falling to his back as the agony washed over him in full force, the adrenaline wearing off in its entirety.

“Jay, stay with me. Stay with me.” Hailey cried out, her bright blonde hair and fresh blue eyes as crystalline as the lake on a summer’s day being the last thing he remembers before slipping into unconsciousness.

***

The next thing he knows, the repetitive beep of the monitor and the chemical smell that lingers in the air is what he’s waking up to, along with the warm hand that is interlocked with his own and keeping him close. He flickers open his eyes, letting them adjust to the harsh white light before opening them fully and looking around. His brother is leant against the doorframe, watching him as he stirs before catching his eyes and smiling gratefully. To his right is a mess of blonde hair splayed out over the covers as Hailey rests her head and her eyes. He can tell she’s asleep from her slow breathing, but she looks anything but peaceful. He turns his attention back to Will, who is now walking gently towards him.

“Hey little bro,” he whispers. “You gave us quite a scare.”

“Can’t get rid of me that easily.” Jay quipped, his voice hoarse, managing a small smile.

Will merely smirked before explaining what happened when they got to the hospital, speaking quietly at Jay’s request so he didn’t wake Hailey. Once he was done, he left with a nod and a remark about letting the two lovebirds have some time together.

Jay inhaled and exhaled deeply before gathering the courage to wake Hailey. He ran his fingers through her hair then caressed her cheek with his thumb until she stirred. She sat up, a little disoriented at first but she soon came back to earth. That’s when she realised what woke her, and any remnants of sleep were quickly shaken away.

“You’re awake.” She breathed out, a little disbelieving despite the surgeon saying he was due to make a full recovery.

“So are you.” He smirked.

Silence hung in the air once more, but it was neither comfortable nor awkward. Both of them could tell there were words that needed to be said, but they couldn’t find the right ones. Somewhat luckily, that’s when Voight decided to grace them with his presence.

***

It was a little later now, and Hailey had just returned from work to sit with Jay again. He wasn’t being discharged for a least another few days, much to his dismay, but he was glad that she was there to make the wait more enjoyable. Whilst she was gone, he figured out what he wanted to say to her, the exact words, only when she stepped into the room a few minutes ago, they seemed to escape him. But it was now or never, so he threw caution to the wind and went with what his heart was telling him.

“Hailey?” It was a little louder than a whisper that he managed at first, but she heard and was up on her feet in no time.

“What is it? Are you in pain? Should I get a nurse? Or are you thirsty? I can get you some water…” She was a little on edge. She wasn’t used to seeing her partner, the war vet, the first person through the door, so incapacitated and…weak.

“No, no, I’m good.” He chuckled, and she relaxed, exhaling deeply and sitting down on the edge of the bed before meeting his eyes. He smiled softly, as did she. “You saved me.”

“Well, Kevin was the one to- “

“No, Hailey, you saved me. When that guy shot me, I was so close to giving up. I was so sure that that was it, that I was going to die on the cold, stone floor of a warehouse. But then I heard your voice. It gave me hope, it reminded me I had something, someone, worth fighting for, so close to me that I could hear you. And I was devastated when he dragged me up to that roof, but I knew that you’d find me if I just kept him talking, and you did, and you saved me again. And then when we fell, I grabbed onto that pipe, but I was so tired, Hailey, I didn’t think I was going to keep hold of it much longer. But then you told me to hold on, and I knew that I had to because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to hear your voice again, I wouldn’t see your smile light up a room again or hear your laugh and have it make my day. And I realised, Hailey, that I couldn’t let go, because that would mean giving up on a chance of having the most amazing life with you, and I could never pass that up in a million years. So, yes, Hailey, you saved me.”

That’s when he realised that she had silent tears streaming down her face, but a small smile graced her features.

“Jay…I…” She started, but she too was unable to put her feelings into words, as none seemed to convey the immensity of them. So she leaned down and captured his lips with her own, cupping the back of his head with her hand, kissing him so sweetly and passionately that she poured a thousand words worth of her feelings into that one kiss. It was like everything around them vanished, as if nothing else existed but them. He returned it immediately, holding her cheek in his palm, and they bared their souls, showing how much love they have for one another, and suddenly they both felt utterly complete.

[aliaslua]

By the bonfire

Leonardo x Reader

Summary: All the family leaves the lair for a well deserved vacation at an abandoned camping spot. The reader enjoys the road trip with the turtles, oblivious of Leonardo's intention of confessing his crush for them.

Category: Platonic relationship, deep friendship, secret crush. 

WARNINGS: None c:

A/N:  This was so fun to write and also quite endearing. I had to rush things up at the end or this would end up too long but I hope you enjoy it anyway c: Let me know what you think <3 A big thank you for @dianounais​ for sending the ask that inspired this ficlet. Also, I did my best at proofreading but this is a reminder that English isn't my first language so I appreciate any heads up about the text. Thank you

You can also read it in AO3! <3

Even the night sky seemed different, it seemed to be made of a deep, dark blue and all the stars were visible. It was so different from the greyish sky of New York, with all the artificial lights from the buildings and billboards obfuscating the celestial bodies. Here, the night seemed bare.

"That's Ursa Major," Donnie said, pointing to a set of stars. "You can see them more clearly between July and September."

You sighed. Wrapped in a blanket with a mug of warm tea in hand, this was the most comfortable moment you had experienced in the past few months and everything seemed perfect, if it weren't for someone's absence.

"Where's Leo?" You asked

"He's at the pier ... He said he wanted to do a night run by the lake."

You get up, decided to find him... It seemed like you two should talk, especially after things had gotten a little awkward in that evening.

It all started when - after weeks of insisting - Mikey convinced Leonardo to decree a family vacation. At first, it seemed like an absurd idea: where could you go? There was no disguise in the world that could make them go unnoticed during a sightseeing tour, there was a reason why they had never left New York. But the youngest of the brothers - with the help of Donatello and his collection of maps - had planned everything. A road trip, navigating abandoned roads till a Environmental Preservation Area that had been used as a camping spot in the 1980s, but had been closed for visitation after an deadlock in court with the owner of the property. It was a good plan, actually: the Turtle Truck had enough structure to travel on the roads even if they were not in the best condition, the area was already suitable for camping and they would be careful not to pollute or leave traces in nature and, well, it was not as if you were in any danger, as they are a team of highly trained ninjas - even Master Splinter agreed to participate in the undertaking.

You all spent the whole day packing your bags and adjusting the minor details. It was the first time they had taken a vacation and you were so happy to be part of it! The feel of excitement and anxiety at the lair had transformed the general spirit and everyone had high expectations. When the big day came, you left early in the morning. 3 am is not an usual time for humans to wake up, but you should have gotten used to it, or at least expected it. The Turtle Truck had been renovated to fit all of you and now it had the same configuration as a van's seats. The fresh air of the dawn and the swing of the car at the beginning of the trip were too comfortable to be ignored and you fell asleep without even realizing it.

A big hole in the road made you jump out of the seat and what seemed to be muffled laughs made you open your sleepy eyes. You didn't realize when or how, but sitting on the middle bench, you fell asleep in Leo's arms - You had nothing to complain about, in fact it was quite comfortable but the restless laughter of his brothers made you suspicious of something.

"Are you guys laughing at me?" You ask, sleepily "Am I drooling?" You look at Leonardo and he looks a little more shy than usual, maybe even a little ... embarrassed?

“No! No ... Y / N, don't mind them ... You can keep sleeping."

"Ok ... Are your arms uncomfortable?"

"No." He responds promptly "Make yourself comfortable".

You smile and lie on his shoulder again, adjusting to be closer to him. There was an indecipherable thing about Leo, that strange and special way you felt about him. You felt safe, you felt good, comfortable. He was like lighthouse, always guiding you to the nearest safe harbor.

You had no idea - but Michelangelo had omitted from you the secret weapon that he had used to convince the team leader to make a discreet trip to that lake ... The possibility of using that time to get close to you. It had been a few months since they had discovered the older brother's secret crush for you and since then Leo had suffered daily teasing about it - deep down everyone hoped it would work out, it seemed natural for you two to be became a couple after all you been thru together, the idea of the camping trip was also an honest and true team attempt to give enough opportunities for the fearless leader to finally take action.

It started in the car, right after you woke up. Michelangelo was the co-pilot and gave you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some orange juice. It was so calming and relaxing to eat while watching the road go by, especially that one, that was so empty and surrounded by virgin forest.

"Let's play "who am I"! " Mikey suggested "I'm going to think about someone and you have to find out who it is by asking yes or no questions."

Donnie started

"Are you a human?"

"Yes."

Then Leo

"Do we know you, personally?"

"Yes."

"Ah, that's too easy! You only know four people." You said.

"Just ask already." Michelangelo said, his mouth full of bread.

"Ok ... Do you consider this person a close friend?"

"Yes."

It was Raphael's turn. From the back of the van he exclaimed:

"Are you Leo's favorite person?"

"YES!" Mikey exclaimed from the front seat

"So it's Y / N."

"Anwww ..." You said looking at Leo "Am I your favorite person?"

If you weren't mistaken, he looked a bit red, maybe even blushing "Y-you said it yourself ... huh ... I only know four people."

"Ouch" you answered, before all the other brothers burst out laughing, waking up Master Splinter.

You played a few more times. Donatello was George Washington, Raphael was Angela Davis, Leonardo chose Master Splinter and you chose Leonardo himself.

After that, you listened to the radio a little bit until Michelangelo put on a podcast. The road didn't seem to change and your eyes started to weigh again when Donnie stopped to fill the tank. Raphael and Michelangelo fought to see who would continue the rest of the trip in the front seat, Mikey was defeated and with his head down went to the back seat.

Through the reflection of the mirror in the front seat, Raphael looked at you and Leo talking.

"I spy with my little eyes ..." he started "... Someone very nervous trying to pretend that everything is fine while talking to his cru-" Leo took the impulse when the car bounced from a hole in the road and kicked Raphael's seat.

"Ops, my bad." He said, then completely ignored his brother's comment and continued to speak to you again. You thought it was a little strange but you didn't understand Raph's last words... Anyway, you were paying attention while Leo explained the art of reading your luck by looking at your hand's lines, while caressing your palm.

When you were almost reaching your destination, one of the tires flat.

"I'll go change it!" You said," The road looks empty, but if a car happens to pass by, it's better to spot someone changing a tire than a giant turtle."

"I'll go with you." Leo said "I'll be behind the truck, nobody will see me ... It's just so I can help you."

It wasn't the first tire you had ever changed and Donnie had powered the hydraulic jack, so everything was especially easy. You were crouched on the floor and Leo was at your side, holding the lug nuts while you fit the step tire.

"You know, Y / N I ... I admire you." He said, breaking the silence.

"For changing the tire?" You asked.

"For being so ... independent, resourceful. I like your attitude."

"Oh ..." You said, a little blushed "Thank you. I like that you came to help me and also allowed me to do it ... I feel like you don't underestimate me."

"Never." He said, smiling.

There was something different about that smile. Something intimate, vulnerable. You could not say what it was, but the sensation that filled your chest was an unexpected heat.

When you arrived at the location, it seemed a shame that it wasn’t opened for visitation anymore. The area was a dense and vibrant forest that ended up in a meadow that surrounded the lake, the water was almost transparent and everything seemed so bright and magical that you thought you were transported to another world. You pitched the tents at a speed that one could only achieve with military discipline, it was almost evening and nobody wanted to miss a chance to swim a little before dinner.

The water was really cold and the first minutes inside were uninviting but it didn’t matter… You were so happy in spending this time with them and they were absolutely mesmerized by the view of the place. So much to see, so many things to try and the sensation of ruining free in the wild without any scared humans around made everything perfect. Donnie spent all the time collecting plants and small fish that hang by the edge of the lake, Mikey and Raph race from one edge of the lake to the other and Master Splinter was meditating in the woods.

You and Leo… You swimmed. He looked so happy to be in the water and you couldn't help but to presume it was part of his nature, that lake was nothing like the Lair’s pool, he felt free, comfortable… Confident. It was hard to tell how long you spent together in the lake, but at one point you were lying down at his shell, floating mindlessly right at the middle of the lake, only darkness below you and despite that, you felt safe. You were so close… So hypnotized by that gesture of pure affection and care.

“Y/N…” He said, turning around and letting you go, only to hold you in his arms. He was warm despite the cold water and his gestures were gentle. Suddenly, you started to get nervous, he was so close to you…

“HEY LOVE BIRDS. TIME FOR DINNER. QUIT MESSING AROUND.” Raph screamed from the edge of the lake. An invitation to make dinner never looked so inconvenient.

So here you were now, after dinner was made and eaten, trying to find him in the darkness of the night, dying to hear whatever it was he wanted to say.  Your heart pounded for the possibility of being alone with him again and everything felt heavier by the time you reached the pier, whatever it was… It seemed serious, secretive, confessional.

“Leo” you said, finding him seated with his feet submerged in water.

“Hey,” He smiled, offering his hands to help you through the couple of stairs. You seated next to him, wondering how he could survive all the mosquito bites. Maybe turtles didn’t get them?

“It’s a bit cold here… Don’t you want to come back to the bonfire?”

“Well, I…” You said, rubbing your hands in your arms, it was really cold “I was hoping you would tell me what you wanted to say at that time… when we were swimming.”

“Oh” His eyes widened and even in the dark, you could tell he was blushing “Well…” He sighed deeply. You heart was pounding…

“It was nothing. I… I am just glad you’re a part of my life… O-of our lives.”

You couldn’t even disguise the disappointed “oh” that left your lips. Suddenly you realize that you were expecting something completely different, something that would change things between the both of you.

“Come…” He said, after some uncomfortable silence established between you “Lets go back, you’ll freeze here.”

And so you did. Leo, you and your suddenly broken heart.

Seated next to each other by the bonfire, you couldn’t stop thinking how naive it was to assume anything and Leo couldn’t stop thinking about how he ruined the perfect chance he had to declare himself to you. One thing you had in common: the fresh realization that what you felt for each other was more deep, complex and overwhelming then you once thought and the burning desire to finally end the suffering caused by insecurity and maybe, just maybe…

[ksbwnotes]

Chapter 8, Part 3

*leaning back in chair from exhaustion* my brain needs to learn how to shut up sometimes.

1. *tilts head to the side* Hmn.

Not that Sangwoo is intentionally lying here, I think he genuinely feels this is the best answer he can come up with. Because it’s better to covet nothing and be given nothing, then covet something only to be given nothing. 

There was this Thor thing before, with his sister Angela, belonging to a race of angels (and i loooooove their rendition of angels because anything that subverts the original, purer narrative is my jam and butter): “Nothing for nothing.”  The Angels in that comic will only do things if they are given payment in exchange for doing so. Odin is considered “The King of Nothing” because he once expected them to do the right thing (saving humans, I think?) just for the sake of it, rather than for material gain. This was an insult to the Angels, pretty much equating this to Odin seeing them as worthless. Thus, if you give nothing, you get nothing.

Sangwoo grew up having to deal with “Nothing for something”. As in, he puts his mom as priority and, in exchange, his mom abuses him.  He behaves himself as much as he can, and in the end, his dad abuses him. He emulates an upstanding citizen to others and, because of that, they love him only for the mask he puts on, deterred from him the moment there is a crack--and this was something that went on looong before he became a sociopath. He is expected to give and give, but get nothing in return.

So now, Sangwoo’s actions are pretty much begging “Something for nothing”.  He wants to be given love and respect even though he knows that he has done nothing to deserve it. Because this hurts less. At least, here, it’s more of a self-fulfilling prophecy rather than the world kicking him while he’s down just because it wants to. At least, this way, Sangwoo can kick back and fool himself into thinking that every kick doesn’t destroy more and more pieces of himself.

2. Extension of prior panel and theory

Right now, Bum is the only one who has given him “something”. Even if it ends up being “nothing”, there is “something” to accompany that oblivion. This, in a way, is a reflection of the Lima syndrome Sangwoo is experiencing while Bum is experiencing Stockholm at the same time (though, he experienced the beginnings of it much earlier than Sangwoo). 

For Bum, Sangwoo will treat him kindly, but then do shit like...throw him against a car. Threaten to cut him up. Hang him by a pulley. All that jazz. But then, later on, Sangwoo will treat him nicely again and intersperse the abuse with little rewards he dangles in front of Bum like a master training their dog with snacks. 

For Sangwoo, Bum will give him a sense of humanity that Sangwoo probably hasn’t felt in...like 4 years. But obviously, Bum won’t be able to commit to this because Sangwoo is his abuser, so the times Bum treats him lovingly is an extension of his response to Sangwoo’s abuse. Like a frog that will end up staying in the boiling pot that will then be cooked alive then given as sustenance to its slaughterer. 

Sangwoo doesn’t know how healthy relationships work, that it’s not “nothing for nothing” or any of it’s variations, but actually “something for something”. All relationships are meant to be an equal give and take, but that requires work and being able to work through pain in a positive way, instead of falling straight into despair. 

So, Sangwoo is trapping both himself and Bum in a cyclical relationship where Bum gives him “something for nothing” and Sangwoo is now in the position of power that his parents put him in--the “nothing for something” position. Eventually though, we’ll see Sangwoo gradually try to give Bum “something” for his efforts, only to realize just how empty he is afterwards. That giving Bum “something” back only makes him feel like he’s still “nothing”. 

3. Wait, how did he kill CEO Daughter girl...

I looked back and saw the blood on her forehead, so maybe he used the sledgehammer that he hit Bum’s leg with to hit her on the temple or something. Because we don’t see a cut beneath her chin or something. So, again, the ones he loses attachment for just die, but people like Bum...they receive a lot more cuts and bruises I think. More evidence of how much he is trying to make them hate him, proving to him that they were lying when they said they loved him. 

4. Seeing it this way...

...I think this is more proof of how much Bum has proved the impossible. He has lived so much longer than what should be expected for any of his prey. Again, Sangwoo does not consciously go in planning to kill his victims, but his subconscious is preparing him for it and he knows the drill. It may not be planned, but Sangwoo still expects it. So the fact that Bum is still alive goes against all of Sangwoo’s expectations.

Subconsciously, now, he goes in preparing to keep Bum alive. That cut underneath the chin was probably how Sangwoo killed past victims, the ones who got the closest before Bum arrived. That is probably how he ended them. He slit deep into their throat before they could tighten their grip around his neck.

But Bum has surpassed them, so Sangwoo is giving Bum that scar as a warning to stop what he’s doing so that he doesn’t feel the need to kill Bum. 

Because, now, he’s scared of the regret that will follow once he kills Bum. He’s more scared of the consequence of losing Bum than the consequence of letting Bum further into his life (because, right now, Sangwoo has hope for the future with Bum in it).

5. Ooooh I love the comparison of everyday life and food to Sangwoo’s slicing and dicing of Bum

This shows just how much Sangwoo’s alive can no longer be normal. 

Like...he can look at that sliced meat and imagine all the bodies he has sliced open. How are you supposed to continue with daily life after having experienced what he has? Then, furthermore, after doing what he has? 

It drives further home to Sangwoo that he is ostracized from humanity as a whole. That no one in this planet can accept him (actually, there’ll be plenty of people who can, but the thing is, that’s not the kind of acceptance Sangwoo wants, or else Bum would’ve been enough for him/he would’ve had a much easier time of finding a fellow sociopath--I do think Sangwoo being a sociopath, not a psychopath, something to do with it, since he’s using killing as a coping mechanism rather than a response/release).

That, in the end, he is only furthering how he will end up dying alone and dying painfully.

6. Heyyyy, Jieun, that you??

Lol, if that is, then I love how Bum in the next panel drives home their every closer intertwining fates and that she is soon to be dead.

Also, where...is Sangwoo bringing her??  Even with how obedient Bum is, I don’t think Sangwoo would risk bringing her to his house unless she’s going to the basement with Bum...which, again, I don’t think he’d do lol. So...love hotel???

Whether or not that is Jieun, I think this also serves as a representation of Sangwoo questioning his sexuality because he is now genuinely thinking of being with Bum. And Bum is a guy, so does that mean he’s gAyyY?

Also one thing to point out, which probably doesn’t mean anything but still miiiight...here we see Jieun’s blissed out face, which is similar to Sangwoo’s o-face in earlier panels. However, Sangwoo’s face is obscured and we don’t see anything. This could suggest that he doesn’t actually feel that great doing Jieun, showing how he’s unable to have normal sexual relations due to...yeah. 

7. AND NOW, SANGWOO IS AT A FUCKING GAY BAR *WHEEZE*

Ahhh, Bum. The things you somehow make Sangwoo end up doing. It’s applaud worthy, now that I think about it. Sangwoo obviously, from the beginning of this, wasn’t completely straight. But he’s also not gay either. I personally think, with sexuality being a spectrum rather than a conglomeration of separate categories, being with a guy shouldn’t automatically make something homosexual. If anything, Sangwoo is on the bi or demi spectrum, but he’s feminine-inclined.

But the fact that Sangwoo wants to actually see whether or not he’s gay. x’D  Because, if that’s the case, then that means he can widen his prey circle beyond women and see if he can find someone who can accept him amongst the male population as well. 

So, I think this experience will show Sangwoo that Bum is...special. Like. To a point that it’s ridiculous for him because it’s like his sexuality is this vague hetero-excluding-Bum-sexual. Which will drive home even more for Sangwoo that, for as long as he still thinks a normal life is possible, he needs Bum to stay with him.

8. ....But...why this guy???

Of all the people for you to choose, Sangwoo, what happened. xD You could literally pick up ANYONE ELSE--look at that slender blue-haired guy in the last panel--and this is the one you end up going for????  

No, seriously, what. What even. 

Oh wait. Criteria. Criteria. Right. Sangwoo has to be careful about who he chooses. If he chooses a worker there and they end up dead, then that can lead back to Sangwoo way too easily. 

He doesn’t go in planning to kill the one he hooks up with, but obviously, he has to prepare for that just in case. Because he knows that they could trigger him at any point in time, so no matter what, his prey has to fit a very very narrow criteria. 

Which makes me think of that CEO daughter girl. I don’t think she can be someone whose father lives there in Korea. The daughter probably just decided to go their as a tourist and Sangwoo picked her up in a bar or club or some other tourist hot spot. That will make things very difficult to find him because it will take a while for her to be realized that she’s missing and by that time, it’ll be too late to track things back to him.  This shows how much he pays attention to his surroundings at any given time, because Sangwoo probably thinks of every little detail to make sure that, even if police do go to that area, he made sure little to no attention would be called to him. 

So this actually don’t really help much in convincing Sangwoo to explore his sexuality lol. Gay people have preferences too, they’re not just gonna go after any gay person. And he already has this oral trauma, so. Even less points to being gay lol. 

Anyways, I can barely think at this point, I should just end it here...

9. ALMOOOOST. DOOOONE.

Lol I have a feeling that Sangwoo is pissed at Bum because if it wasn’t for Bum, Sangwoo would’ve never gone to that gay bar and experienced the disgusting feeling of blowing another man. 

Because, actually, Sangwoo might have done it. Just so he can convince that guy to go home with him so that he can kill that guy. Which...would just make Sangwoo even all the more pissy. xD

Actually, one thing to note...I think Sungbae later goes to that same gay bar??  To get information or something??  And one of the workers actually gives vague information that point Sangwoo having been there and doing something. Which would be unusually sloppy of Sangwoo. And that’s only because Sangwoo was there due to Bum’s influence--in an entirely new situation that he was uncomfortable with and unable to properly exercise his usual precautions. 

This is a distant call to how, later on, Sangwoo makes more and more mistakes, sloppier than the last, because of how desperately he tries to integrate Bum into his life. 

[one-shot-plus-size]

From Sons of Anarchy to Mayans MC

Jax's sister must hide from the revenge of SAMCRO enemies, goes to Mayans MC Santo Padre. And he catches the eye of a la presidente.

Chapters 7/20

Sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language. They will accept any attention and criticism :)

Part 6

Pov Olivia

- I may not know much about Mexican dishes, but I make great meat for the grill. - I was looking at Ezekiel sitting in the passenger seat.

- Interesting -  he rubbed his beard - we'll pick up the order from my father, maybe you can do the part your way and I'll do it my way. We will see what the boys will taste better.

- He accepts the challenge - I smiled widely.

We stopped in front of the store whose signboard proclaimed "Carniceria Reyes".

- Do you have a store? - I got out of the car.

- It is a pop store - he opened the door and let me in.

Behind the counter was a man with glasses, grey hair and a very tired face. Every wrinkle showed that this man has gone through a lot in life.

- Good morning - I smiled.

- Good morning - he smiled.

- Hi pop - Ezekiel went behind the counter to his father.

- This is Olivia, our new tenant in the clubhouse.

- Nice to meet you - he wiped his hands in the apron and came up to me.

- Nice to meet you too - I stretched out my hand.

Of course he ignored my hand and hugged me slightly.

- Felipe called me, I am too young to call you," he smiled.

Now I know from whom Ezekiel inherited a big and wide smile, and from whom Angel gained dark eyes.

- Bright - I nodded my head.

We took an order from the club, bought alcohol and a few other food items for lunch. We went back to the club, I started to prepare meat side by side with Ezekiel. Now I had a mission, I had a job that was taking me away from thinking about my family. I made such steaks as Chibs taught me. I was hoping that the boys would taste it and somehow we would break the first ice cream. After an hour we left the kitchen and went straight to the square in front of the building. There was a bonfire in the middle and a barbecue a bit further on. We approached Gilli, who apparently was responsible for the grate.

- My version of meat and its version of meat - said Ezekiel.

- Yoł - I heard Angel's voice - the ring is free.

He pointed his thumb behind him walking in my direction.

- How about our arranged sparring ? - He smiled slightly bending his head

- You know you don't have to, right? - Ezekiel leaned over to me.

- I know - I looked at him - but I have the impression that your brother needs someone to wipe his nose.

- It will be a flaw in his ego - he laughed.

- I like this plan - I smiled wide - in 10 minutes in the ring.

- Fucking time to fight - Hank roared standing a few steps away.

- You guys are like animals - I looked around.

- We are - Ezekiel nodded his head.

- You know you don't have to, right? - Bishop came up to me.

- Ezekiel already told me that - I looked at him - but your man would need to rub his nose.

- Although I like this idea, I'm still not entirely sure. He is almost two heads taller than you - he looked at Angela.

- Thanks to this slower - I slipped my shirt off my hips - Bishop will manage, will you help me wrap my hands?

- Sure - he nodded his head.

- I felt in my bones that your brother Ezekiel decided to fight today - I pulled the blue tape out of my pocket - and I have it with me.

Bishop grabbed my hands and wrapped them calmly. His hand skin was horny and rough but very warm. I raised my eyes and looked at his face, he was staring at my hands with an unpleasant face expression.

- Bish - I spoke quietly.

He raised his eyesight, looked into my eyes and smiled slightly.

- Don't worry, I can manage. - I let go of his eye.

- Never in my life has a woman ever beaten in this ring so I am not surprised that I am worried.

- Chibs taught me and I know how to fight. And if you hit me, you'll dress me up like this?

- Sure - he nodded his head.

- Well, I smiled.

- Come on, how long can you wait ? - Angel yelled.

I looked in his direction, he was standing in the ring in short shorts and without a shirt.

- He will try to distract you with his look - Bish finished wrapping my hand.

- He will not distract me - I twisted my head - I prefer older men.

I smile to Bishop by letting go of his eye.

- Ready to fail? - I set off for the ring.

He smiled only wide and moved around the ring. I breathed deeply, tied my hair in a bun and entered the ring.

- I will be gentle - he moved his fingers.

- Sure - I smiled - don't be shy.

He tried to take me by surprise, I dodged his punch.

Pov Bishop

I stared at the young one, until the very end I was not convinced about this crazy idea.

- Don't worry about Angela - Marcus laughed.

- I am worried about her - I was staring at her.

- Believe me, you have nothing at all - he pushed my shoulder.

I looked at him, he smiled fiercely.

- Throw it out because I can see that it's carrying you - I moaned.

- She caught your eye what ?

- What ? - I wrinkled my eyebrows.

- Oh, please, I saw your gaze.

- Shut up - I purr - not a word.

Marcus already wanted to say something, but Ez got in his way.

- Ouch - he said prospect.

I took a look at the ring, Olivia hit Angela's belly several times. She moved away from him, he leaned against her knees with his hands and breathed hard looking at her.

- It's only been a few minutes and you're getting off? - Olivia laughed.

We came closer to the ring, Angel was breathing all red. I was wondering whether from tiredness or anger. One move was enough to beat him, he moved on her like an angry bull. She pushed him away, he flew on the net. She turned quickly, hit him with her foot in the bend of the knee and knocked him to the ground. She sat on his hips, grabbed his hands and crushed him to the ground. She leaned over to him, whispered something in his ear, and he peeled off. I have never heard guys roar so loudly in their lives.

Pov Olivia

Angel was lying in the ring on his back and breathing hard, I sat under the net and tried to calm down.

- I pay tribute - he raised his head slightly and looked at me - respect.

- Oh please - I smiled slightly - you don't look like a man who would admit defeat.

- I wouldn't call it a defeat - I wouldn't nudge my finger.

- Sure, tell yourself that. - I got up and walked up to him.

I stretched out my hand to him.

- You're good, but you're too slow - I smiled - come on, get up.

He looked at me with curiosity for a while, but finally he grabbed her and pulled up.

- I'll take it as a compliment and the fact that you're flying at me - a devious smile appeared on his lips.

- Dream Angel - I patted him on the chest - I don't like young people, I prefer older and more experienced ones.

- Oh you don't even know what the tongue and fingers can do - he smile when he put his tongue out to me.

- Sure - I laughed and walked closer to it.

Our chest was in contact, I stared at his eyes as he licked his lips.

- Even if this tongue could work wonders with club whores, it would not be enough for me. He does not need a young man who is horny about anything that moves. I prefer mature men who care about their women.

- You don't know me - he twisted his head.

- Your reputation precedes you Reyes - I patted him on the chest.

He snorted under his nose and smiled a little. We both came down from the ring, everyone patted me on the back. Bishop and Marcus came up to me, I smiled a little and then I curled.

- You do not look so bad - Marcus was smiling from ear to ear.

- I let him recover - I pured.

- Bish leave us for a moment - Marcus patted him on the shoulder.

The president nodded his head and left to the boys. Marcus sat next to me and patted me on the knee.

- The sons are not here, you don't have to be like that. You don't have to demand from yourself not knowing what.

- How do you know that I was like that with the Sons?

- Olivia, I have eyes and I saw what was happening. You had to prove to them that you deserved to be with them, you were afraid that they would judge you. Those here, the Mayans are not like that. They won't judge you if your leg is rolled up. At the moment nobody thought you were hopeless because you let Angel hit you, they are happy because you won. These people here - he pointed out to everyone - they are happy because you beat one of them. You've rubbed his nose in it, be happy about it. I know it hurts that Jackson sent you away, but the longer you keep tearing it up, the more it will hurt. Use this time to be with them, meet them and have fun. Within reason, of course.

- Thanks to Marcus, I'm up, these words mean a lot to me.

- All right Chica, and now go let them embrace you a bit because you look like a mess.

I laughed and moved towards the club, Bishop was sitting on the stairs in front of the building.

- Could you take my face? - I smiled a little - I think he cut my lip.

- Sure - he got up - come on.

He stretched out his hand to me, I grabbed his hand and we went inside. His rough hand perfectly matched my much smaller one. I smiled under my nose and let myself be pulled to the back. I sat down on the table, Bish took out the first aid kit from the cabinet and stood between my legs. I could feel the warmth of his body, I closed my eyes when he started to bury by my lip. His fingers gently muscled my skin.

- Okay, finished - he breathed - he doesn't look bad. The wound on his mouth will probably hurt for some time.

I opened my eyes and only now I realized how close he was to me. I looked into his dark eyes, smiled gently. I closed when my lips roasted, his hand found my cheek.

- It is good that nothing happened to you - he breathed.

- I told you from the very beginning that I can fight - I raised my hand slightly and touched his beard with my fingers.

He smiled, closed his eyes and purr.

- Oh, I was surprised, did I find the weakness of el presidente?

- Just don't tell that gang - he pointed his thumb at the door behind us - because they won't let me live.

- I think that each of them has weak points, maybe even not knowing about them - I laughed a little.

My fingers were still scratching his beard, the door from the back opened with a bang.

- This food is jammed....- the noise has stopped.

I breathed, took my hand from Bishop's beard and looked over his shoulder at Angela. He was standing with a burger in his hand halfway to his mouth. The momentary shock was replaced by a wide smile.

- Shut up, Reyes, or I'll kick your ass a second time - I pushed el presidente away and slipped to the ground - what are you eating there?

I walked up to him, grabbed his burger and bit him. I covered my mouth with my hand, chewed the food and looked at Angel and then Bishop.

- It's even fucking better than I remembered - I moaned - he proposes to go back to the barbecue because I don't think there is much left.

I laughed and left the room, I heard Bishop threatening Angel before leaving.

Part 8

[purplesurveys]

1149

A

What is your age? 22, but there’s less than a month to go before I turn 23.

What annoys you? Literally every single person who still supports the government at this point. For context, we are back to square one and we’re under the exact same quarantine imposed in March 2020 because of the surge in cases. Nothing has changed and nothing has been done in the last 365 days while people are getting hungrier and poorer. I’m done feeling hopeful for this country and I cannot wait to abandon it forever.

Do you have any allergies? Apparently, grass. Can’t be exposed to it for too long otherwise the skin on my thighs turn red and occasionally even get rashes.

B

Do you know anyone named Billy? Kind of, but they’re girls with their name spelled as Billie.

When is your birthday? April 21st and spending it in quarantine once again this year...

Who is your best friend(s)? Angela and Andi.

C

What's your favorite candy? I like gummy bears and worms. As for sweets, I really like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Butterfinger, Twix, and the Hershey’s Cookies and Creme bar.

When was the last time you cried? Maybe a day or two ago while watching a snippet from Caught in Providence.

Have you been out of the country? Yes.

D

Do you daydream? Not so much these days. I’ve been better at keeping my focus at work.

What's your favorite kind of dog? I love alllllll dogs, but I’d usually be wary of smaller dogs because 87% of the times I’ve met some, they’re aggressive or a bit moody. I don’t like stereotyping dogs as much as possible but because I’ve had direct experiences to back it up anyway, *shrug*

What day of the week is it? It’s a Sunday.

E

How do you like your eggs? Scrambled, poached, or an omelette with lots of fillings. Balut is also great.

Have you ever been in the emergency room? Only when I was born, I’m guessing.

What's the easiest thing ever to do? Idk, what comes easy to me might not be the same for others. But my answer would be to smile, regardless if it were genuine or otherwise.

F

Have you ever flown in a plane? Yeah, many times. The child-like excitement I get whenever I get on one will probably never go away, either.

Do you use fly swatters? No, my mom usually uses old shoebox covers or rolled-up scratch papers we have lying around to swat them.

Have you ever used a foghorn?: Only in video games lol, never in real life.

G

Have you pet a goat? I don’t think I have. I’ve pet lots of animals before but I don’t think a goat has been one of them yet.

Are you a giver or a taker? Giver, but I’ve been allowing myself to take more these days.

Do you like gummy candies? Love them.

H

How are you? We’ve entered summer weather now, so I feel hot and miserable. It’s also Sunday and I am stuck at home, which doesn’t make me the happiest camper.

What's your height? 5′1″ or a tiny tiny tiny bit taller than that.

What color is your hair? It’s black but on extremely rare occasions I’ll catch a single light brown strand when I play with my hair.

I

What's your favorite ice cream? Cookies and cream and chocolate chip cookie dough. My friend Leigh actually started her own ice cream shop recently and I bought her coffee crumble ice cream, and it is sooooooooo fuckinggggggggg good??????? It’s so rare to find coffee ice cream where I live period, so I’m fucking stoked to have a close friend who makes literally the best one and in generous servings too.

Have you ever ice skated? Many times as a kid. I was never formally trained, but it was something I wanted to try from watching other kids play in mall ice skating rinks; and when I did give it a shot, I ended up enjoying it. Luckily my mom was encouraging and actually frequently dropped me off at a rink so I can practice gliding and all for a few hours while she ran errands.

Have you cheated the IRS? That’s like an American tax thingy, right? We don’t have that here and my employer handles my TIN.

J

What's your favorite jelly bean? Not a big fan but if I had to have Jelly Belly, I obviously would want to get the pleasant-tasting ones.

Do you tell jokes? Yes.

Do you wear nice jewelry? Only on special occasions.

K

Do you want to kill anybody? I don’t want to kill anybody but I certainly wish a good number of public officials would finally die.

Do you want to have kids? Yes. I really wish I could still have a future with them. Thanks for the trauma, my real asshole of an ex.

Where did you have kindergarten? Somewhere.

L

Are you laidback? I doubt my friends would use this to describe me. I for sure lean more towards the uptight side of the spectrum.

Do you lie? Eh, occasionally.

When is the last time you sent a hand-written letter? I have no idea. Christmas 2019 maybe?

M

Ever talked in a microphone? Sure. Many times.

Do you still watch Disney Movies? I very rarely get in the mood for them if I’m by myself, but yes, I’d gladly sit down and watch should an opportunity come.

Do you like mangoes? No.

N

Do you have a nickname? 99% of people call me Robyn while my family calls me Byn, but there are a select few friends who’ve stayed long enough with me to catch other names I’ve gotten over the years, which have since become inside jokes/nicknames. There’s Reben and Rolayn, and literally just yesterday ‘Roby’ happened when I ordered food for lunch so that will probably catch on as well.

What’s your favorite number? 4.

Do you prefer night over day? Absolutely.

O

Are you an only child? No, I’m two siblings away from that status.

Do you wish this was over? I haven’t felt that way, no.

What is the closet orange object near you? An orange tumbler my Kuya gave me as a Christmas gift in 2019. There is also orange tape wrapped around the charger adaptor of my company laptop.

P

What one fear are you most paranoid about? Waking up in the middle of surgery and being unable to speak nor move.

Do you play any instruments? Nope.

Do you think you are pretty? Some days.

Q

Are you quick to judge people? No, unless they are already blatantly showing their character like being rude towards service staff, tossing their trash to the ground, or cutting in queues. Whenever those things happen I give myself the space and freedom to guiltlessly judge.

What do you keep quiet about? How dysfunctional my family really is, and the things I really want to say about Gabie.

Do you have any quirks? Food-wise, I like peeling off the breading from fried chicken and placing them on the side of my plate so I can eat them last, because they’re my favorite part.

R

What’s a good reason to cry? Frustration. Crying can be really helpful in lessening stress.

Do you think you're always right? No.

Do you watch reality TV? Not religiously, but I love watching snippets of reality shows on Facebook because they’re all so embarrassing and it’s hilarious to watch hahahahah. Literally last night I was watching clips of Big Ed on 90 Day Fiance.

S

Are you a social person? More so now than I was years ago.

What states have you lived in? I lived in Manila briefly but it didn’t take long till we transferred to another city for a more peaceful life in the suburbs.

What is your favorite season? I wanna say winter because of what I’ve seen from it in movies and shows, but I’ve never actually experienced it before.

T

When did you last sleep in a tent? Sometime in March or April last year.

Do you like tomatoes? Mostly in diced form. Tomato sauce is fine but I don’t really like it in my pasta. Bloody Mary also tastes rather awful.

What time did you wake up? 8:30 AM.

U

Do you have an umbrella in your car? I think so, yeah. I finally placed one in there lmao.

Do listen to Usher? Eh, not really. 2000s R&B isn’t my thing, save for Beyoncé.

Describe the underwear your wearing? It’s light blue.

V

What’s the worst veggie? I never learned to like pechay. I’d still eat it, but only because I like cleaning up my entire plate.

Do you like movies with violence? Some. Like I hate action movies but I enjoyed A Clockwork Orange and Scream lol.

Where do you want to go on vacation? I recently bookmarked an Airbnb in Zambales and the accommodation is basically this super cute line of tipi-styled huts by the beach. I'd love to have a solo trip push through once this Covid mess subsides.

W

Ever been on a wave runner? No.

Where do you work? I work in a PR company.

Do you wish on stars? Just sometimes.

X

Have you ever had an x-ray? Only for mandatory medical exams.

Do you own a xylophone? I think I had a toy one as a kid, but it’s not with me anymore.

Have you watched the x-games? No, not interested.

Y

What did you do yesterday? I stayed at home; ordered food for Angela as a surprise; debated if I should buy a pair of Air Maxes – and ultimately decided I’ve already spent too much this month to deserve a new pair of shows lol; and just settled to buy a new night lamp for my bedroom. I also watched the newest episode of 2 Days 1 Night and ate more of Leigh’s ice cream while doing work.

Do you like the color yellow? Only in mustard yellow. I also like the song Yellow, heh.

What year were you born?: 1998.

Z

Do you believe in the zodiac? No.

Has your bank account been at zero? No. I remember when I was first opening my own account at the bank and the clerk told me to make sure I don’t go below P2,000, and my intensely by-the-book ass has been following the rule ever since, even though my dad has told me it’s absolutely fine to go below it so long as I have P2,000 back in the account after a month hahaha.

Ever been to the zoo? A few.

[floriannas]

𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚖𝚠𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝙶𝚒𝚛𝚕𝚜: 𝙰 𝙲𝚊𝚖𝚙 𝙽𝚊𝚗𝚘 𝚄𝚙𝚍𝚊𝚝𝚎

Word Count: 13,310/30,000

General overview: this is... abnormally fast for me. Especially of late I’ve been a very slow writer, but this is on track to overtake Pythia, my previous current WIP. I have just been having a lot of fun with this, I love Noel, I love that I’m still working out what the story is and making it up as I go along which is very out of my comfort zone. And I realise how I’ve been craving a majority female cast - again, Pythia and I Will Always Exist have male leads and why Hector and Adam are dear to me I have missed writing from the female perspective and how much it just hits home.

Chapter Breakdown:

One: This is primarily the lead up before Noel arrives at Judith College. The first scene is a visit to Noel’s mother and...my heart breaks for Jean Seabright so much. Victor Seabright and every doctor who has “treated” her deserves to be thrown of a cliff. Preferably by Jean, except for her phobia of the sea. We also meet Eliza, with her painful Tory energy (crowd booing).

Two: This is where the college itself - Judith and her Maidservant (yes - it’s named after the Artemisia Gentileschi painting!) appears! I went on a rabbit hole researching and visualising the architecture of the buildings. This is also where we meet Cora and Raphaelle - at this point they’re an inseparable duo, and absolute sweethearts. On a less optimistic note, there is...Elinor. (I’m going to make a character introductions post soon, that is in progress as we speak!)

Three: This opens with Noel crying in the bathroom of a pub, but we’ve all been there. Eliza is surprisingly kind in this one - all the girls are, to make way for the grand introduction of Octavia herself. I’ll leave it at saying she does not make a positive first impression. Cora radiates her drunk girl in the bathroom energy, however, so the mood is lightened considerably.

Four: I get to introduce my favourite setting! The Maid’s Ruin, the restaurant where the girls can drink booze and discuss pretentious topics. Ft. Noel getting drunk for the first time, getting hungover for the first time, having a awful nightmare sequence, and maybe realising she underestimates how much other people respect her. Even if they peer pressure her a little bit.

Five: the girls actually go and get their education. Angela D’Aubney is the hot Professor. I’m still writing this one so cannot say anymore so far. I’ve probably said too much already

Ok since my google docs is being funny about me posting quotes I’m going to share the albums I’m listening to as I get into the vibe, since they’re all (roughly) around the time of this novel:

Self Titled - The Velvet Underground and Nico

Surrealistic Pillow - Jefferson Airplane

Phallus Dei - Amon Düül II

Are You Experienced? - The Jimi Hendrix Experience

A Saucerful of Secrets - Pink Floyd

How Does That Grab You? - Nancy Sinatra

Revolver - The Beatles

Cheap Thrills - Big Brother and The Holding Company ft. Janis Joplin

Strange Days - The Doors

Just Another Diamond Day - Vashti Bunyan

The Marble Index - Nico

[teamjacobthot]

twilight saga character tag!

thank you sm @softtwihoe for tagging me <3 i feel like im still new to the renaissance fandom on tumblr even tho i never stopped being a twihard so shit like this warms my heart <3

now my spicy twilight takes………………...

1. Character you find most relatable to you as a person?

the love of my life, without a doubt, 100% leah clearwater. mfs tried to make her feel bad for feeling her feelings but she was valid in all of them. also its canon that shes a scorpio but yall aint hear it from me

rosalie bc we have similar trauma (lmao :/) and like to disagree with people. i also love big dumb men

edward. as a fellow whiny musical pissbaby who cant let shit go, i get it

2. Character that didn’t have a POV in the books or certain unfinished manuscripts, but you wish did?

ok maybe this is super underground but sue!!! mf!!! clearwater!!! she had allllllll the tea on the pack and tbh i really wanted to see how she and her family were before and after harry’s death. that event was a really big deal (outside of just bella and edward) and set shit OFF in new moon

billy bc he also had hella tea and i bet he was super fucking conflicted during the ENTIRE saga bc he couldnt say shit to charlie!!! that shit sounds rough!!!!!

quil bc he was the last to phase and i just wanna know what he was going thru. he would’ve had hellaaaaa jokes too but smeyer doesnt care abt nonwhite characters so :/

charlie, assuming he supports the black lives matter movement

i guess overall i just wanna know how EVERYONE was doing in new moon bc that story ran DEEP. i want a midnight sun for new moon but for every character

nobody asked but new moon is the best in the saga and new moon stans have the best pussy

3. Character that’s underrated and deserves more recognition?

the entire wolf pack but wbk

riley but tbh i think its bc i just loved xavier samuel in the eclipse movie

the denali coven!!!! their story was incredible imo and while irina was a snitch, i understand why she snitched. she didnt deserve to die. the denalis deserve so much better and while garrett is cool to have around, that doesnt fill the void that irina left bc the volturi decided to be a bunch of haters. i want them to heal so bad. 

tanya gets a bad rep for having a crush on edward but she deserves better too

i’d like to read abt the vacations that the denalis with the cullens too

oh and all thats just BESIDES the succubus legend that tanya and kate and irina started in canon!!!!!!!! like??????????????????? they fucked and killed human men??????????? thats the story i wanna READ bitch!!!! thats my jennifer’s body (2009) fantasy!!!!! smeyer is a coward tho

btw carmen and esme are girlfriends :)

4. Character you thought was unnecessary for the story?

ok besides the obvious, and nobody drag me for it, but bree tanner. I get she was there to show us how fucked up the volturi are and to sorta predict bella as a newborn but……...we already knew the volturi kill mfs just for fun. if the cullens werent gonna adopt her we really didnt need many details on her. and regarding the newborn thing, bree’s role as a newborn didnt really mean shit bc bella ended up being ~the perfect newborn~ anyway!!!! smeyer tried to sell us the short second life of bree tanner as if there arent other worthy characters of having a spinoff novella about like leah or seth or rosalie or emmett or charlie or resume from bella’s ovary. that being said………..

resume, for multiple reasons including:

resume literally shouldnt exist. vampires shouldnt be able to have working sperm and even then, edward shouldve pulled out. he could barely even tongue kiss bella so wtf made him think he could cum in her????? whyyy didnt he use his big vampire brain to consider that????? 

resume seemed totally unwanted and unthought of??? bella and edward were so mf absorbed in each other like regular teen couples (with 1000x the intensity but still) that it didnt seem likely that theyd want a baby after fucking like three times anyway. miss bella “fuck them kids” swan also gave no indication of wanting children. ever. EYE would have simply aborted and went on to live my best vampire life :)

resumes existence defeats the purpose of imprinting bc theres no way she’d be able to conceive with jacob. at all. but we know smeyer doesnt think shit through

smeyer writing in resume ruined jacobs character even more esp coming off the shitshow that was eclipse. periodt

5. Top 5 female characters?

leah <3

rosalie

bella

sue

angela

6. Top 5 male characters?

jacob (pre-eclipse but that’s implied)

emmett

seth

quil/paul (i love them equally)

edward’s dumb ass <3 sometimes

7. Character interaction that didn’t happen but you wish it did?

rosalie and edward but only under the condition that he finally stops being a misogynistic pissbaby towards her and accepts her for the sexy legend that she is. i feel like they’d get along well but smeyer is anti-hottie and anti-talent so i guess we’ll never know :/

leah and someone who loves her and respects her and validates her feelings :)

JACOB AND HIS SISTERS. OR EVEN JUST RACHEL. she literallyyyyyyyyyy came home after YEARS in breaking dawn but he was too busy simping over bella to acknowledge her??? huh???

bella and a licensed therapist

edward and a licensed therapist

8. Character that deserves more development?

the whole entire wolf pack but wbk

more specifically, embry. whooooom is his father???

emmett. like we get it hes funny and hot but like……….spare depth maam? any spare depth????

9. Character who is your total opposite?

jasper bc he fought for people who look like me to be ENSLAVED and the fandom lets it slide for whatever reason :|

10. Character you warmed up to after experiencing the Renaissance?

edward, in some ways. i relate to him when im feeling extra self-loathing but then i get over it lmao. he’s still stupid tho

i used to think alice was annoying af (and i still kinda do tbh) but as a fashion hoe, i get it

charlie, sorta, even tho he’s a cop. i wasnt there for the original conversation on here but do yall think he supports black lives matter? idk tbh but we’ll never know bc smeyer probably doesnt know what police brutality is. anyways ive really enjoyed the discourse on his relationship with bella and how he doesnt trust edward

jacob <3 he’s always been my heart, my soul, my baby, my fuckin cinnamon apple, etc. but i love the posts that other fans/nonhaters have been making abt how warm and kind he was before smeyer fucked him over and how he deserves so much better. its like yes im glad youre seeing all the things that make me a team jacob thot :)

idk if yall have already been tagged but im tagging @howlonghaveyoubeenseventeen @leahclearwaterdefensesquad @leahclearvvater and @bellas-dumptruck-ass! also anyone can fill this out and say i tagged them <3

[strwbrymoonchild]

The Albums That Got Us Through 2020

We’ll save you the soliloquy, and get right to it: (skip to the bottom for the full playlist)

LaChelle’s Picks

Overture x Gaidaa

“Sonically, this album was very cathartic. Gaidaa’s songwriting is so imaginative and authentic, and I really love it when her voice hits those lush lower notes, her tone is like butter.”

Favorite tracks: Falling higher, Still Water, I Like Trouble

2. Rose in The Dark x Cleo Sol

“The timeless musicality and vocals are very reminiscent of some of my favorite classic soul artists like Angela Bofill, and Patrice Rushen but sound refreshing all the same. I would love to hear this project live but you know... COVID.”

Favorite tracks: When I’m In Your Arms, Why Don’t You, Rose in The Dark

3 & 4. Untiled (Black is) / Untitled (Rise) x Sault

“I can’t think of any projects more timely for this year than these two albums. They spoke to Black pain, weariness, and resilience in a way that felt mores insightful than preachy. A lot of the drums used on this project had an ancestral feel to them and the use of strings was extremely effective in giving it cinematic energy. The interludes also spoke to the difficult emotions many Black people grappled with this year while maintaining a musically rich sound.”

Favorite Tracks: Hard Life, Wildfires, Sorry Ain’t Enough, Why We Cry Why We Die, Free, Uncomfortable

5. The Angel You Don’t Know x Amaarae

“I first discovered Amaarae as a featured artist on one of my favorite music submissions of the year ‘NASA’ by Rvdical The Kid. I became entrenched upon my first listen to her first full-length project which is a mixture of afro-fusion, R&B, electronic, alté, and alternative hip hop. I love her animated voice and how effortlessly she glides over the track. I enjoy artists who can fuse multiple genres together and make them sound like a whole new sound”

Favorite Tracks: Fancy, Feel A Way, Céline

6. Last Year Was Weird, Vol 2. x Tkay Maidza

“This album had a lot of surprises on it. It’s a mixture of fun-loving R&B, raging nu-metal, and 808 thumping house tracks. While there’s not much fusion in the array of genres, I appreciate her ability to showcase her eclectic range.”

Favorite tracks: Shook, 24K, Don’t Call Again

7. Honey For Wounds x Ego Ella May

“This is a great self-love soundtrack. The pensiveness of this album is tempered by Ego Ella May’s jazzy vocals and even-keeled instrumentation. A very relaxing vibe to listen to during downtime or moments of solitude.”

Favorite tracks: Girls Don’t Always Sing About Boys, Table For One, Song For Bobby

8. Jaguar x Victoria Monét

“This album is oozing with sensuality, sexuality, and confidence. I love the lush vocal arrangements and the production which taps into nostalgia without being lazy or gimmicky. If you're feeling insecure, put on some lingerie, pour a glass of wine, turn this album on and you'll be feeling like a Savage Fenty brand ambassador”

Favorite tracks: Moment, Touch Me, Go There With You

9. Extra, Extra! x Lou Phelps

“ My boyfriend who is a Kaytranada fanboy put me onto this album. Haven’t heard a hip hop EP with such a fun, laid back like this in a minute. Lou’s big bro Kaytranada came through with the dancey vibes but you also get a bit of that classic boom bap energy that an old head like me loves”

Favorite tracks: Party in LA, Nike Shoe Box, Smiling

Dorian’s Picks

Pulp (Director’s Cut) x Ambré

"Ambré takes you deep into her world with sounds of a sweet lullaby, and a pulp garden full of hallucinating trips on a journey towards discovering love, vulnerability, and purpose. Overdosing on ‘Pulp’ has become a nightly ritual for me, no surprise as to why Ambré is my top artist of 2020."

Favorite tracks: free drugs, LUCIADA(EGODEATH), gucci slides

2. A Written Testimony x Jay Electronica

Jay Electronica's debut album, once heralded a myth by many, has finally seen the light of day, 10 years later. It sounds godly, rich in ancestral wisdom, paralleled with classic Hov features throughout. This album to me raps a soulful tune of Black enlightenment, and feels like a really lavish ode to the Nation of Islam.

Favorite tracks: Universal Soldier, Flux Capacitor, The Blinding

3. In Search of Lost Time x Protoje

"The Jamaican OG delivers a sonically wise lesson on life, what it means to live in our truths and light in search of happiness and prosperity as a free spirit. This album at many times served as a soundtrack to my life, a saving grace from my own insecurities and struggles amidst a very unsettling year."

Favorite tracks: In Bloom, Deliverance, Like Royalty

4. I Shine, U Shine x RIMON

"Amsterdam-based artist RIMON delivered a sonically pleasing project shortlisted with a blend of melancholy neo-soul/R&B influenced melodies. This project evokes raw relatable emotions and centers the beauty of the imperfect for full display. With each listen the lyrics pierced my heart and filled my memory of love lost and love found."

Favorite tracks: Out Of My Way, Got My Back, Downtown

5. Note to Self x Jah9

"Jah9's Note to Self, is a call to channel your divine form. Reggae has long been a genre that speaks to a higher force and existence. With the wild year we experienced, this project served as a guideline on how to battle those inner demons and live life to your fullest potential through faith."

Favorite tracks: Love Has Found I, Ma'at, New Race

6. SuperGood x Duckwrth

"The title is self-explanatory. Duckwrth gave us all that we deserved and dropped a bomb ass feel-good record. SuperGood gave me all the contemporary neo-funk grooves I've come to love about Duckwrth. Listening to this project made it easy to tune out all the noise of 2020 and just dance my sorrows away."

Favorite tracks: Quick, Coming Closer, Super Bounce

7. B7 x Brandy

"Brandy, now indie and seasoned in the industry, answers to no one and that's made clear with her experimental R&B sounds on B7. This project is fearless and sounds so different from previous Brandy albums, but delivers in that same angelic aesthetic and powerhouse vocals we've come to love. B7 is criminally underrated in my opinion and will stand the test of time. "

Favorite tracks: Rather Be, Borderline, Say Something

8. It Is What It Is x Thundercat

"Thundercat delivers another soothing jazzy-bassline record. This album feels cathartic, experiential in a sense, almost as if I'm listening to a score from an intergalactic movie set in some futuristic utopia. Best enjoyed with a spliff and/or glass of wine."

Favorite tracks: Black Qualls, DragonBall Durag, Unrequited Love

9. The ExPerience x Lila Iké

"This captivating debut EP from rising reggae siren Lila Iké will make anyone a believer. Her journey is compelling, spiritually guided, a modern tale of romance - the highs and lows of navigating young love. The way Lila belts out these reggae-R&B infused chunes pon ya head top is mesmerizing and sets the standard for Jamaica's new generation"

Favorite tracks: Forget Me, Where I'm Coming From, Thy Will

10. grae x Moses Sumney

“‘grae’, a two part album, explores the complexities of identity. Moses Sumney never quite submits to the boundaries society aims to box us in. ‘grae’ is undefined in sound, Moses gracefully flows from one end of the artistic spectrum to another without landing anywhere too long. What I love most about listening to this album besides Mose's falsetto is the high level of self-awareness, the screams of escapism, and determination to exist in free agency. "

Favorite tracks: Cut Me, Polly, Lucky Me

Rachel’s Picks

Instrospection x UMI

“After another year with no new SZA album, discovering UMI was a godsend. Her voice has that same angelic raspiness and lyrics that sit with you long after the first listen. What sets her and this record apart is how UMI’s lyrics recognize her own faults and the faults of others in a way that is so graceful that it never comes across as self-deprecating or accusatory. Listening to Introspection, you can’t help but introspect your life the way UMI does on this album.”

Favorite tracks: Introspection, Open Up, Pretty Girl hi!

2. Girlhood x Girlhood

“This electropop duo’s vocalist, Tessa Cavanna, has a voice reminiscent of the late artists Amy Winehouse and Sharon Jones, and with their neo-soul, 90’s inspired sound being so colorful, it’s impossible to get sick of listening to this album.”

Favorite tracks: Keep On, It Might Take a Woman, My Boy

3. Who Cares? x Abby Jasmine

“Released during the reclusive days of stay-at-home orders, Jasmine’s tracks on her sophomore album made me nostalgic for parties that were once filled with smoke, close friends, and good music. Her brutally honest lyrics, progressive production, and her overall confidence were comforting during a year of instability and empty dancefloors.”

Favorite tracks: Stay With Me, Artificial Lover, Groovy

4. Texas Sun x Khruangbin & Leon Bridges

“Two Texan artists came together and were able to use Bridge’s soulful and textured tone and the fluidity of the psychedelic-funk trio Khruangbin's sound, to create a desolate Texas landscape. Listening to the EP feels like driving with all the windows rolled down, feeling the sun’s heat on your skin.”

Favorite tracks: Texas Sun, Midnight, C-Side

5. They Call Me Disco x Ric Wilson & Terrace Martin

“In a year of so much grief, it is refreshing to hear music that sounds like it was as fun to make as it was to listen to. Wilson and Martin’s rhythmically dynamic collaboration prefaced a summer filled with social media’s fascination and nostalgia for the glittery freeness of the 70’s while still fitting into their respective genres of hip-hop and R&B.”

Favorite track: Don’t Kill the Wave, Move Like This, Chicago Bae

Lionnal’s Picks

Dinner Party x Terrace Martin, Robert Glasper. 9th Wonder, & Kamasi Washington

"These Four legendary musicians came together and gave us an album full of beautiful vocals over smooth, jazzy, soul instrumentals."

Favorite tracks: Freeze Tag, LUV U, Love You Bad

2. Burden of Proof x Benny The Butcher

"This album feels like a vintage east coast rap album. Hit-Boy’s luxury production matched with Benny’s grimey delivery is everything a classic rap fan would ever need."

Favorite tracks: One Way Flight, Burden of Proof, War Paint

3. Sin Miedo x Kali Uchis

"I didn’t know how I would take to an album primarily in Spanish, but Kali’s intoxicating and seductive vibe still found a way to draw me in."

Favorite tracks: Telepatia, //aguardiente y limón %ᵕ‿‿ᵕ%, Quiero Sentirme Bien

4. Fuck The World x Brent Fayaiz

"Brent Faiyaz’s personality is what makes this album so great. His cool and confident approach to tracks make for a unique spin on modern R&B and it’s honestly very refreshing."

Favorite tracks: Clouded, Been Away, Let Me Know

LISTEN TO THE FULL PLAYLIST BELOW

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