#we could go to a museum & make annoying commentary the whole time at every single piece of art

[piranya]

how would you spend a day with both mitch and weird al together?

romantically

[jaylos]

i hated descendants 2 and here's why

a collection of reasons why i am utterly disappointed in this sequel.

warnings: there will be swearing and negative commentary about these ships: Mal/Ben, Evie/Doug, Carlos/Jane. (so basically all the canon pairings lmao)

buckle up this is gonna be long and salty. (also spoilers, duh) (and i take artistic liberty in the capitalization of words and i like to be dramatic)

also check out other rant posts i made bc they kinda tie in with all of this (reading not required in order to understand it tho): magic ban Rise of the Isle of the Lost my thoughts during my first time watching it Bal

1. Characters

Ok i need to go back to d1 for a second: they already did a bad job on introducing the characters to us there. For exapmle: Carlos and technology. He does that thing where he locates the museum or when he turns off the alarm, but without the first book (the isle of the lost) the fact that he is supposedly a tech genius would've flown over everyone's heads. And this is the problem: the movie(s) rely on spin-off media (the books, wicked world) to explain the characters to us. A movie shouldn't have to do that in the first place, but what makes it worse is that the books and the webseries are inconsistent like no tomorrow and also contradict each other on several occasions. Now that wouldn't be so bad if the movies were enough to solidify the characters, but they're not. They also try to patch up plot holes in the books so they don't have to deal with it in the movies. But someone who hasn't read them might wonder how the pirate crew got their ship, and they're offered no explanation in the movie whatsoever. (i'm pretty sure this could've been avoided with a few tweaks to the script tho??)

What I think happened here is that they simply had too many characters and so basically all of them fell flat because they didn't have time to explore them properly. And what did they do in d2? they dragged that problem with them, introduced more characters who's arcs they could half-ass and got rid of what little personality the original characters had.

We don't actually know shit about them. What are their hobbies? What are their interpersonal dynamics like? What are their struggles in Auradon after a life of abuse and neglect? (i'm convinced that that last one can absolutely be dealt with in a child-friendly manner, but instead they brushed it off almost completely. I say almost because we got a few tidbits here and there but those were about as deep as a puddle on a sidewalk)

1.a. Jay

Why is he depicted as a main character when he has less lines & relevance to the plot than Jane?  Even the gotdam dog had some purpose. wouldn't change a thing if Jay wasn't there at all.

l i s ten i love Jay for the character that i made him out to be in my head and through some of the things the fandom has contributed but in canon he is redundant as all fuck.

Also i'm not gonna go into the outfits in this rant bc that's too subjective and is not what contributed to d2 being a bad movie but let's just say i found most of his looks kind of.. off-putting. why they didn't take advantage of Booboo Stewart's beauty is a mystery to me. Especially since his looks are supposed to be Jay's strong suit.

2.b. Chad

He was a completely different character. Not only did his personality shift from deceitful to moronic but his morals changed?? like in d1 he didn't actually play by the rules - he let other people do his homework, and he didn't tell on Evie because he found her cheating wrong but because he wanted payback.

And in d2 he suddenly cares about rules word for word because the writers and the (young) audience already hate him so he can be sexist too i guess. Instead of making him a meaningful threedimensional character that offers a different perspective as the child of a disney hero he was turned into the comic relief and the overdone trope of the jock that lost his status and is now laughed at. Groundbreaking. you hate him i get it i g e t i t. (also stay tuned for the sexism part i'm not done with that)

1.c. Carlos

to get super subjective again: i absolutely hate the direction they went in with his character. why not make him even more nerdy now that he has the freedom to do so? the only thing that referenced his tech stuff was that he supposedly improved their 3D printer. wow. his new hairstyle, the golden headphones etc. were things that don't fit into the impression i got from the first movie and/or the books at all. they didn't even show him tinkering with some device or whatever? how tf am i supposed to believe that he's a techie???

Also in Rise of the Isle of the Lost he is anti-magic for some goshdang reason, but in d2 he asks Mal to help him with magic, which is one of those inconsistencies i was talking about.

1.d. Evie

here's what i would have done with her instead: make 4 Hearts less relevant (do show her sewing and talking about commissions) and let her care for the remaining isle kids from the very beginning. her introduction in d2 could've been her talking about wanting to bring them over, but having difficutly to make it happen (maybe the royal council pushes back or whatever).

instead she spends 6(?) months doing jackshit about the isle kids and only remembers it like halfway through the movie.

1.e. Ben

he just pisses me off. not only is he dismissive and ignorant of Mal's struggles and blames her for when she fails to be perfect, but he is also incompetent as a king, at least when it comes to the Isle. Why the fuck did it take him so long to bring more isle kids over? and why does he need to hear it from Evie first? it was his idea in the first place but then he completely forgets about it for some reason even though he is literally dating a vk. "i guess i've just been busy" with what? being a fuckboy? (also sidenote: there it is again with the "tell don't show" that i've already talked about in the rant about Rise linked above. it's one of the biggest problems i have with the storytelling across all installations in this franchise. Ben is not shown being busy one single time. We're just supposed to believe it because they said so.)

(another sidenote: why the fuck does he have those beast traits, by which i mean all that redundant roaring like i get they want to reference beauty and the beast but do the writers realize that his father was cursed he does not actually have those furry genes)

1.f. Jane

? per s onalit y ?¿?? literally who is she

There's not much to say about the others (some i will cover later when i talk about relationships). Do you know that thing when a character's potential is wasted? In descendants this happens with every last one of them. They're like those cakes that are just for show: they look amazing and tasty but when you take a bite it's cardboard.

2. Plot

pretty basic for the most part, but i personally found the suspense curve really weird. it has two climaxes (? what is plural): 1. the sword fight and 2. at the cotillion. Also i hated that it took place over the course of like 2 days, but that might just be my personal taste. There are some plot holes of varying degrees of annoying. For one, Maleficent probably starved to death in that box because Mal and the writers forgot about her. And her moped is gone, it left, like i should have as well, good-fucking-bye.

Then there's the fact that Mal didn't go back with them because she learned some kind of lesson or grew as a peson or whatever but because she didn't have a choice and they never talked about her initial struggles except "my hair and dress are purple again so it's fine". i mean yeah she said her piece about not fitting in or whatever but we don't actually see it working out after all that trouble?How did the dynamic in their relationship change? who knows.

Then there's the fact that Uma is somewhere in the ocean, she's a giant monster and 100% capable of using magic but no one gives a shit??? at this point i'm willing to bet that in the next isle book it will be explained what happened to her so it doesn't have to be dealt with in descendants 3 and i will scream.

By the way i didn't understand what it was that Ben said that convinced her to retreat, his speech was so lame.

Also the octopus/dragon "fight" was ridiculous. they didn't do shit? Uma was just wiggling around and Mal was floating, which looked stupid because she made flying/gliding motions but stayed in the same spot.

And one thing that really annoyed me is how they only made 5 smoke bombs and then also needed exactly 5. b better prepared u idiots. that whole thing was so weird anyway bc the point was to avoid a fight but it didn't work. maybe it would've worked if they had made more than 5 who knows. and the plan to make them in the first place came completely out of the blue. (-plan? -smoke bombs -k)

Also why did Uma expect the wand to work under the barrier? The only explanation I can think of is that it's because the wand was what created the barrier (although the whole thing about the Isle is that magic Does Not Work and we should have been given an explanation as to why the wand is an exception) but 1. How would Uma know that and 2. If it had been the real wand they could've used it to knock the pirates out or whatever and Uma should've expected that. This whole trade-off thing was sketchy and holey as fuck.

You know what was one of the best things about d1? The parents. I mean this was probably a budget issue but the parents were arguably one of, if not the, most entertaining aspects. and boy could it have been interesting to see the confontation between them and their kids...

The isle was really weird and underwhelming btw. i saw people say it was great bc we got to see more of the isle but did we really? it was just a bunch of disjointed locations and we still have no idea how anything is located in relation to one another, how big it is, or how and how many people actually live there. And why did no one there give a shit that the rotten four were back? most of all Mal, whom the people hated the most for betraying them and becoming a princess. Also why did Mal not go back to her old home instead of this building that was a.. warehouse? their gang hangout?? that came out of nowhere??? correct me if i'm wrong but do they say something along the lines of  "we used to hang out here" even once? why was there a bed in there

And hey remember tourney? It's not even like roar was necessary so that they'd have swords? Also it could have been mentioned like "now that tourney season's over we're focusing on roar" but no?? Let's just forget about it like the writers did.

3. Music

not really much to say, except that they used way too much autotune but i guess overall it's an improvement compared to the first movie but it's whatever. the only thing that confused me about what's my name was that in the movie (as opposed to the music video on youtube etc) there was this weird echo that made it sound like it was playing in another tab with a slight lag??

and another thing that stuck out to me was it's going down: the rap parts were already hella uncomfortable to watch but when ben started singing i just about died of secondhand embarrassment it's so bad lmao.

4. The Thing With Lonnie

Don't get me wrong, i love that she got a bigger part and that she's a good swordfighter and whatnot.

BUT:

First of all, why is it even a thing that the roar rule book has gendered language like that? i mean aren't there countless women in auradon who have proven over and over again that they're just as capable as man? why does Lonnie need to prove anything. especially since her mother is mulan of all people???

listen, the exploitation of gendered language has brought forth some great moments (eg: lotr "i am no man") but it's getting old. Girls and women have proven countless times that they can do "anything a boy can". how many times more does it have to happen until we can take the next step?

And it wasn't even handled well in d2. Sure, Lonnie's captain now, but do we really have to wait until d3 (or god forbid the next book in the isle series where the movie can lean back and let the book do all the storytelling work) for something to actually change in a system that is still misogynistic for whatever goddamn reason??

for this sideplot not to fail miserably like it did, what should have happened is that Lonnie changes the rules so that anyone can join the team, because as we were left it was still "captain and 8 men". we did not see the actual change happening and this was a half-assed attempt at this tired old "girl power" shit.

in this kind of storyline we only ever see the first step, we never see the actual progress that follows. it's always just "huh, i guess girls aren't useless after all" it's 2017 get with the program and move the fuck on.

OR just drop this overdone trope and have a team consisting of different genders from the very beginning.

It's time to tell girls that they don't need to prove themselves in order to be respected.

5. Relationships jesus christ here we go

okay okay there is a number of things that get my blood b o i l i n g and one of them is lazy fictional heterosexual romances and boy oh boy is this movie a fucking gold mine in that regard.

5.a. let's take a look at janelos first (don't worry i will talk shit about bal and devie individually as well): it's boring, shallow, if it was a spice it would be flour. look, if you ship it, by all means be my fucking guest. i even encourage you to write fanfiction or do something to make something out of this bland ass mess of a supposed romantic relationship.

it's a perfect example of what is wrong with this kind of fictional romance. first of all i will disregard the books bc 1. the movies shouldn't need the books for that, yadda yadda and 2. they don't do much to save it anyway. so. it's the easy route, the tried and true formular, and that's the problem. he was a boy, she was a girl, and that's enough to make their interest in each other believable, right? the answer is no. it's lazily written and i am tired™. why, how, when did they fall in love? are they even friends? what do they have in common? what activities do they enjoy together? those are all things we don't know, this relationship comes out of nowhere. how did they go from not even so much as look at each other in the first movie to being head over heels for each other? and not to mention, was it worth sacrificing their personalities for? you guessed it the answer is no yet again. Neither Carlos nor Jane receive any character development whatsoever. None. They could have done so much with them (if you hear a strange sound it's me weeping).

And it is replaceable. Change their names and it won't make the slightest bit of difference, because this relationship does not have one single distinguishable trait (in fact it has no traits period) compared to the 87632947 others out there. it is so. generic. and frankly i don't understand how people can settle for it. i mean i get how people can just watch the movie and not care bc why would they, but how does someone look at this and go "yes, this is a well-written romance" ????? ? ? up your standards people.

and now some predictions that came (somewhat) true from that Heterosexual Romantic Subplot Bullshit Bingo i wanted to make for d2 but never finished:

- by the end their relationship won’t have developed like at all, but they dance together to show us that they’ve come sUcH a LoNg waY

- one wants to ask the other out/they both want to ask each other out, but they’re too shy and also the plot keeps interrupting them.

- it will take away screentime they could have used to give them actual character development.

- jane won't receive an arc besides being and obligatory love interest.

- carlos tries talking to her but he stammers and it’s supposed to be cute.

5.b. Devie

Like i get that Doug is jealous bc of his own insecurities but what is hip with the kids in the year of our lord 2k17 is mutual trust and communication. To think that Evie would cheat on him is such an insult tbh?? And why did Evie not tell him where she was going in the first place? i mean granted i could think of a few reasons why she wouldn't but we don't even see her give a shit bc Doug is irrelevant in her quest to go and sing a duet with the person she'd rather be dating. She probably just forgot about Doug like I, the viewer, did the second he left the screen.

Also it's just the same bs again. We don't know shit about their relationship. What is it like? What do they enjoy doing together? What is their dynamic? Doug could literally be a pair of Pradas and it wouldn't make a difference.

But for real tho can we go back on how he accuses her of cheating?? like wow dude that's so gross  pls don't present that to young viewers as cute because i assure you it is not.

5.c. Bal (h e r e w e g o)

Ben is such a bad boyfriend omg. I mean i get that he couldn't possibly understand what Mal is going through, but he isn't even trying. She changes everything about herself and he doesn't get suspicious in the least. And apparently they don't talk about anything that matters because 1. Mal can't be honest with him (she dragged all that shit around with her for ~6 months!!!) and 2. he would know more about the isle (but he has no clue).

out of all the relationships in this movie this is the one they should've put some effort into. i mean they succeeded in making Ben look like a dick but that wasn't their intention so i just ended up feeling sorry for Mal for being stuck with him bc it's ~true love~ .

Mal to Ben: "you've always known who we were" he didn't tho?? just bc he gave her a purple dress in that stained glass picture? he could've just told her that instead of letting her suffer for months bc she thought he'd leave her if she was more like herself. and that's the resolution, Mal shouldn't have been worried oh how silly of her! i guess everything is fine after all!

but you know actually their love for each other is totally believable bc they had an emotional and heart-wrenching duet together - oh wait.

A big reason why Sofia Carson and Dove Cameron got a duet is probably because they're professional singers and Mitchell Hope apparently can't get out a single correct note without 10 layers of autotune but when the story is about true love saving the day shouldn't that aspect get a little more attention? i mean don't get me wrong i like that the duet between mal and evie is there at all (but hey @disney make it gay you cowards) bc the friendships between the characters and especially the vk's don't get nearly as much attention as they should.

not to go on a tangent about how hand-holding and forehead-touching can totally be platonic but put next to Ben and Mal who Do Not Do That it makes their romantic relationship even less exciting. like, i don't know why i should care about it.

also while typing this i realized that it's not really that different from other movies and i thought hey, maybe i'm being too hard on it, but then i remembered that 99% of all canon heterosexual romantic relationships are bland and boring and i need writers to try harder (or try at all) because i am bored to death by the same shit over and over again.

i know i'm wasting way too much energy on this but i was already too invested in descendants so might as well go all the way amirite. i just had to get it all off my chest. if you need me to elaborate on anything feel free to message me.

and the first movie wasn't all that good btw, it is trashy in a way that was enjoyable, but the second one is just trash.

so yeah all in all that script was just straight up a pile of garbage consisting of washed-out tropes and no amount of bright colors or catchy songs can save it.

[glamorouswindmilltilter]

Science Fiction/Double Feature

This month’s GLAM Blog Club theme is GLAM 3017, which is an exciting prospect (as well as a little confounding). And I totally have Rocky Horror stuck in my head right now.

And, because I have left things a little bit late, I am possibly not going to write anything that has not been touched on already. Hugh Rundle started his post with a touch of history and I am going to be honest with you, I did attempt to see what libraries were like 1000 years ago, just so I could see how far we have come and, therefore, realistically gauge where we are going.

But the management of information really wasn’t what is is today. People were making this thins that we are now looking at in Museums, and we have learned so many techniques to ensure that things are ‘saved for posterity’. But we also have a culture which is disposable and nothing is built to last. So that’s an interesting dichotomy. Will there even be a GLAM sector? GLAM is, of course, Galleries, Libraries, Archive and Museums.

Galleries need to showcase an artists work- art is, usually, a commentary on society. Usually using whatever media come to hand. It’s quite likely that, in 1000 years, traditional mediums for art, like paper, canvas and paint, will be too expensive, too hard to come by to use. It is rare that we will paint a cave wall or carve into a rock face in our currently era, and so the methodology of Rembrandt will be lost in time.

It’s quite likely that analogue art will be more of the museums domain and the galleries will be digital spaces. But it is about viewing them. Will we even need physical spaces to do so? Augmented Reality and wearable technology are already in play. Maybe an ‘artistic eye’ becomes an attachment or an implant that allows you to see art wherever you go, like digital graffiti. We go back to the cave walls, so to speak, but still inherently impermanent, as it is not really of this world. However, I think we are going to get to this point in the next 100 years- I could not make an accurate guess as to what the ‘materials of the people’ will be in play then. Which is going to shoot the Museums and Archives in the foot a little bit, a 1000 years after that, don’t you think?

Edward Shadow touches on obsolescence a little bit, but this is a HUGE factor (from and AV perspective definitely) even now. I have cassette tapes that i keep for sentimental reasons, but I think I will probably never be able to play again. The instruments that most of the electronic gems were made on are in a kinda working museum- so maybe that is the answer. You have to keep the playable technology and pass on the skills for upkeep? But if what we make becomes so transient, we are unable to retain? To preserve? Will we even want to? Now- onto Libraries. Which has made me re-digest a whole lot of my Information Society readings (mostly looking for a quote about the importance of a library- in the middle ages, no city was a city without a library. They could not learn processes and building a better structure off the back of their mistakes. Which is annoying, as it would have been good). Instead I found this:

Information wants to be free in the same way that life wants to spread and water wants to run downhill

And I don’t think this this factor is going to change all that much as time goes on. And libraries are inherently linked to the prosperity and overall satisfaction of society, that these organisation will still exist. They will still be allowing access to a networked society and leveling the knowledge playing field to allow those, keen to do so, to discover new things in a safe and protected environment. All of these musings are not particularly new thoughts, but I do wonder if we will have gotten past the key issues when future proofing within the sector- which basically oils down to access. Will we be able to get to all the stuff that we will need, when we need it? Every single form of communicating information and retaining it has been flawed. Oral traditions changed and were lost, stone tablets were shattered, books were burnt and servers fell over. Maybe the encoding of DNA will allow collective memories to be built and and people will know everything that came before, as soon as they are born. I have spent most of this month trying to remember what sci-fi TV show I watch that had a child as ‘The Archive’- who knew the whole history of the world. If everyone was like that, it would certainly make level playing field and solve this issue of access. Whether or not it would make everyone’s politics the same, or whether people would still pick and choose what is most suitable to them would be interesting.  Alternatively, you could make it a man, with blonde hair and tan, who would be good for... information?