#we can't control what makes the serotonin

[theangrypomeranian]

this blog might turn into a How To Get Revenge On a Cheating Ex stan account

🤷‍♀️ sorry not sorry lol

[cepheusgalaxy]

I was thinking about the "people go mad if they go without light for too long" because somebody bought it up and I kind of dig it? As a concept?

Like what if whumpee is one of those "girl in a lab" characters that were sealed away somewhere because they were a threat

And then they've been locked away in this dark room for years

If they are immortal? For decades.

Maybe even for a few months, if they weren't even "sealed" but just locked away because they made whumper especially mad?

I'm thinking specifically about the rescue. If we go Sealed Away route maybe the rescuers are a team of young heroes in an adventure

Maybe they just were onto whumper and invaded their place, finding whumpee in there

When they are free, the first thing they see is that it's so light. Too light. Too bright. Too loud and too much.

They can't stand being touched and they can't make up what everybody's saying to them, because for the first time in ages there is so much input on their senses!

Maybe they have to adapt to understanding language again. It's been too long since they've spoken to someone

Speaking of it I bet they can't speak either.

After so long alone they are also probably weak and frail (unless that due to some magic they are kind of well—physically, at least)

And imagine the terrors! After a while of adapting, Whumpee doesn't like being left alone or in the dark. Otherwise they start having flashbacks.

Also. Unresponsive. Consider.

Once I read a manga (Akatsuki no Yona) where an immortal character had been living alone for so long that he started referring to himself in third person, so he wouldn't forget his own name. Consider that too

I also don't know much about this so let's also google somethings up!

Apparently it takes a while for your vision to come back if you've spent too long in the dark. Interesting.

Hmm. Staying too long in the dark can also increase your body's melatonin production (the hormone that makes you sleepy) and decrease your serotonin (happiness hormone) so you'd be sleepy and depressed.

Your circadian cycle (internal clock that controls your sleep among other things) would be completely fucked up. (Previous source) Apparently the effect is similar to Jet Lag. And can also lead to sleep deprivation.

Aside from depressed, it would also leave whumpee stressed out apparently

Moving on to sensory deprivation in general, it can also give Whumpee memory and attention issues :D

Also causes hallucinations

OH and apparently it can also cause trouble with balance AND increase suggestability (aka makes you more influenceable to take on different opinions)

Also according to most of those sources panick attacks also occur in these cases

Isolation, specifically, can also cause hallucinations, logical reasoning impairments and high blood pressure. Oh and it also fucks up your sense of time and makes you think it passes more slowly. Your circadian rhythm apparently starts taking 48 hours instead of 24 for some reason?

Curiously, symptoms of light deprivation are apparently light on the first week(s?) (first source) and in isolation/further sensory deprivation situations it takes less that two days (last source). Light deprivation doesn't seem to be much severe in shorter timespans since it's also used as a form of therapy sometimes!

Truly a fine trope! Absolutely horrifying! So inhumane and cruel! We should use it more.

[myrockandrollking]

Unfortunately, my grandma is the only person irl who shares my love of the Beatles, so we had a movie night and watched a Hard Day's Night and it was a blast! Here are some of my thoughts and comments on the film and some of my favorite parts/quotes (sorry if it's out of order):

• the opening is obviously iconic, I love how George and Ringo fall and almost get fucking trampled and we aren't even a minute in yet

• also the way John just laughs at them took me tf out, I love it

• "he's very c l e a n"

• Paul's grandfather was fucking helarious

• my grandma was singing all of the songs so loudly that I couldn't hear any of them 💀

• "Tell me, how did you find America?" "Turn left to Greenland"

• "What do you call that hairstyle you are wearing?" "Arthur"

• the entire part where George is mistaken for a teen model had me cackling

• "do not breathe on me, Adrian"

• "grotty" should be used more

• I love how the manager was basically just like a babysitter trying to take care of four out of control children

• I did not appreciate the Ringo's nose slander, his nose is beautiful

• Ringo's wack ass dancing was so amusing to me

• "Do I snore, John?" "Yeah, you're a window-rattler, son."

• John randomly oinking like a pig caught me off guard tbh

• Ringo being protective of his drums is literally me with my guitar

• "Put yer tongue away, it looks disgustin hangin out, all pink and naked."

• all of the songs were bangers, ofc

• all of the John in the bath scenes give me pure serotonin, I love his goofy ass

• me and my grandma sang a duet of And I Love Her when it came on and it was so fun and sweet

• I'm so sad that they didn't add "You Can't Do That" into the film since it's my favorite song on the album

• since I watched Nowhere Boy directly before this and almost cried, this line tore out my heart

• the scenes of Ringo with the kid were so random but also so wholesome

• the whole mistaken identity scene with John and the lady had me laughing and blushing, oh my God

• since my grandma is a George girl, she was simping hardcore during his song, it was so cute

• she literally yelled "I've got dibs on George!"

• my grandma also doesn't laugh when she thinks stuff is funny for some reason, so it was basically just me cackling in the otherwise silent living room the whole time

• she kept looking over to me throughout the film and finally said, "man, you're all over John the whole movie, huh?" 😭

• please, she can't talk, this women literally ran up to the TV and touched George's face 🤣

• okay, I know I'm going to sound delusional as fuck but just hear me out-

During this exact particular scene:

I swear to God, for a second I thought I could smell John through the screen. So, the whole room just smelled like nothing basically, but when the camera was on John straight ahead in this scene after he's talking to the lady in the hall, my senses just exploded basically. I suddenly smelled strong tobacco and cigarette smoke, along with a clean sweet smell and citrus. It's like when someone walks by you with a lot of cologne or something and you are hit by it? It was like that with the sudden angle change when it went to this shot of John. It was the weirdest shit. I know it sounds dramatic and like I'm making it up, but weirdly enough it's happened to both me and another family member a few times with other movies, but idk why lol. Then when John went up the stairs it faded away and didn't come back. No one smokes in their house either and there was no smell like any of that in the room before, so it was really weird but also oddly comforting. Anyways, I'm probably just going insaine.

[actuallyadhd]

The reason I realised I might have adhd was my brother, he's so clearly autistic so I did research to make sure.

When I brought it up with my mother she told me to not tell him.

I finally got my diagnosis after 3 years of trying to get it, of going deeper and deeper into it.

Idk, I never hated it? I never hated my adhd. Back in 2020 I was a more active person? In terms of doing the things I liked and doing art.

Now I'm slow, tired, fatigued.

And that happened after I took meds. Apparently ritalin prozac and anxiety meds aren't supposed to be taken together, Idk what my therapist was thinking.

She told me to get anxiety meds for my stimming, cause I stim cause I'm nervous. But I KNOW that I don't. I stim when I'm excited, or when I can't focus.

When I'm anxious, when I'm angry I go stiff a a rock, I get focused sharp, because I have to be, it's a defense mechanism.

I don't hate adhd I don't hate meds inheritly either. But I hate how my meds made me a zombie, that I was forced to go on them so I could achieve this academic goal.

Maybe if I lived in a place with better mental healthcare I wouldn't be dealing with the effects of bad medication and my worsening depression.

I'm slightly better now, but my executive function got fucked. I can't just, do the things I like anymore. I feel less feelings than I did before.

I don't hate myself I just, I guess I'm in a hurry to heal from everything when I'm still living with the people that abused and continue to abuse me emotionally.

Specially my abelist mother who keeps saying adhd and autism aren't a disability, and they're just a quirk like her being left handed.

My dad has finally came to the realisation that he probably has adhd like me.

I'm a uni student now and living in a dorm away from my family has helped me regain that control I had and live a healthier life. But I'm back now over the summer and I can feel myself going back to my old ways the more I stay at my family home.

Idk,

Is this cptsd? Idk what it is.

Is it bad to say I love my adhd? Usually at least. When there's no one breathing down my neck not letting me do my own thing, when I don't get pulled into random places and have a choice to stay. And say no.

I guess things will get worse before they get better....

Sent August 18, 2024

There's definitely a lot to unpack here. I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. I will do my best to offer suggestions and reassurance, as always.

It makes sense that your brother is autistic and you have ADHD; both are highly heritable, and seem to be related in some way. So it also makes sense that your dad has now realized he probably has ADHD!

I have a feeling this is going to be long, so have a cut.

Stimming & Anxiety

Neurotypical people think that the only reason for fidgeting is anxiety.

It's not.

As a general rule, it's either expressive (as when we're happy or excited or upset) or regulating (as when we need to focus or feel overwhelmed).

And if stimming or fidgeting isn't disruptive or hurting anyone (including yourself), it definitely doesn't need to be medicated. WTAF.

Medication Issues

Medication can be tricky. The wrong meds can cause more problems than they solve. Even the right med at the wrong dose can be a problem!

Examples from my own life:

Starting dose of Concerta didn't do much, next dose up gave me a week-long anxiety attack.

Starting dose of Welbutrin made me feel like I was About to Die for a week.

Dexedrine initially made me NOT HUNGRY for three weeks. I lost 10 lbs.

Strattera made me depressed and adversely affected my typing (been accurately touch typing since I was 11, suddenly was making really weird typos).

Good dose of sertraline (Zoloft) helped my anxiety and depression but caused me to start skin picking in earnest; next dose up had me closing in on serotonin syndrome.

Adderall worked well (until it didn't) but also made me feel ill after I ate yogurt.

It sounds like you would need to try other meds or other doses, preferably one at a time(!), to find what works best for you overall.

Executive Function & Depression

It sounds like your depression is your biggest problem right now. Depression can worsen executive functioning, so that makes sense.

It's probably a good idea to talk to your prescribing doctor about your medication regime. Ask what your options are and if you can please work on getting off the antidepressant so you can try something else.

Alongside this, you may well be dealing with ADHD burnout, which I am only just coming out of myself. It's a struggle, to be sure!

My best advice for that is to be gentle with yourself. Don't expect yourself to Do All the Things; instead, keep a master list of things that need to get done and choose three of them to focus on each day (your Goals) and three fun ones to try to get to each day (your gravy).

It's okay if sometimes one of your Goals is to get dressed.

Parent Stuff

It sounds like your mom is trying to make you feel better or maybe herself(?). If that's how she needs to think of this all, let her. What matters is that she understands when you're struggling and is willing to support you. If not, you might like to refer her to this Russell Barkley video.

It's great that your dad has realized he has ADHD, though! Even if he doesn't bother to pursue a formal diagnosis, just knowing that can help a lot since if he's having issues he knows where to find suggestions that are more likely to actually work (because stuff that works for neurotypical people almost never works for ADHDers, while stuff that works for us also works for NT's).

Family Systems Theory says that how we behave around our family members is directed by how our family works as a system. There are also smaller systems within the whole that affect how individuals relate to each other. This is why we tend to fall back into childhood patterns when we're around our family of origin. Those patterns are ingrained through years of conditioning.

CPTSD?

While I don't think Gabor Maté is right about trauma and ADHD, I do think that it's pretty common for ADHDers to have childhood trauma. We spend years getting in trouble for stuff we couldn't control and being held to a standard we simply can't reach due to our ADHD, and that affects our self-esteem and is (to my mind) a big reason why so many of us have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), which is that huge emotional reaction we can have to criticism (real or perceived).

I have found a lot of reassurance and helpful information about CPTSD through watching videos from the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. She reads letters from people and helps them with their problems, and she explains the problems faced by people who have CPTSD and offers ways to deal with them.

Loving ADHD

I don't think it's bad to love your ADHD. I do think it's a little weird, because most of us hate it a lot of the time, but I definitely see positives in my own life and view it as a neutral (if annoying) part of who I am.

I actually think it's great that you do love it, because it's going to be part of your life forever. Making sure you have systems in place to deal with the stuff that's challenging is going to be really important moving forward, but that's part of what this Tumblr is for.

Overall, I think you are probably doing better than you think you are, and once your meds get sorted you'll be in a much better space in general.

Followers, do you have anything to add, or any corrections to something I've said?

-J

[strawberry-yougurt]

I've been at this for an hour.

Scar: That was so hot, Grian. 

Grian: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenerate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets. 

Scar: I'm so in love with you.

 

Xisuma: Hey, what have you two been up to? 

Mumbo: We were helping Grian write their vows, but they kicked us out because Pearl was making inappropriate suggestions. Pearl: How is “Scar, I love your sweet ass” inappropriate? 

Grian: *fast-forwards all the way through the movie* 

Scar: You can't just skip to the happy ending! 

Grian: I don't have time for their problems. 

Grian: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life. 

Mumbo: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind? 

Grian: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die. 

Scar: Edible.

 

Grian, setting down a card: Ace of spades. 

Iskall, pulling out an Uno card: +4. 

Keralis, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you! 

Pearl, trembling: What are we playing?! 

Mumbo: *looks over Pearl’s shoulder at their laptop* What the fuck? 

Pearl: *slams screen shut* It’s just research! For something I’m writing about! I swear that’s it! 

Mumbo: Why the hell would that involve the breeding habits of frogs? 

Pearl: It’s not just “frogs”, it’s the Surinam Toad. And it’s not “breeding habits”, it’s how they raise their young. This is important information my audience needs to know! 

Mumbo: That doesn’t change the fact this is for one line in a fanfiction. 

Pearl, offendedly: You don’t know that! 

Mumbo: I hear no denial. 

Grian: Look at the buns on that guy! 

Iskall: *lying on the floor, covered in hamburger buns* 

Xisuma: This is the comedy police! The joke's too funny! 

Grian: I'm not going back to jail! 

Scar, sweating: Grian, there’s something I need to ask you- 

Grian: Finally! You’re proposing! 

Scar: How’d you know? 

Grian: Scar, you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner. 

Grian: I even picked it up once. 

Grian, at the slightest provocation: I came into this earth screaming and covered in someone else's blood and I'm not afraid to leave the same way. 

Grian: kisses Mumbo Mumbo: ! Grian: …Did you steal my chapstick? Mumbo: Did- did I what? Grian: My chapstick, Mumbo. Did you steal it? Scar: Grian, for the love of God, not this again. Mumbo: I- No, I didn't steal your chapstick. We use the same chapstick. Grian: No, there is absolutely no way we use the same chapstick, because it was only sold on one Etsy shop two years ago and they discontinued it, and I loved it so much that I bought the last of their stock, and I keep it in my freezer so it doesn't go bad. It's been discontinued for three years. No one uses the same chapstick for three years. So unless you've been eating a whole fuck ton of something that's flavored like chocolate and popcorn, you absolutely stole my fucking chapstick. Mumbo: Chocolate and popcorn? Scar: Why do you think it got discontinued?

Grian: WHO ATE MY BREAD?! 

Grian: I'M GOING TO FUCKING K- 

Mumbo: I did? 

Grian: Kiss you and buy some more, you haven't been eating anything today Mumbo. 

Grian: *walks away* 

Mumbo: 

Mumbo: They're gone Pearl. 

Pearl, coming out the closet with bread stuffed in their mouth: Twankh uh! 

Impulse: WHO ATE MY BREAD?! 

Impulse: I'M GOING TO FUCKING K- 

Zedaph: I did? 

Impulse: Kiss you and buy some more, you haven't been eating anything today Zedaph. 

Impulse: *walks away* 

Zedaph: 

Zedaph: They're gone Tango. 

Tango, coming out the closet with bread stuffed in their mouth: Twankh uh! 

Grian: Mumbo, say aluminum again. It's the entire source of my serotonin during these trying times. 

Mumbo: *sigh* Only for you, buddy. Alyoouminnieeum. 

Mumbo, grinning: Before you were what? 

Grian: Before I was- 

Mumbo: What? 

Grian: Before I was inter- 

Mumbo: Before you were interrupted? 

Grian: Cut me off one more time and I swear I'll- 

Mumbo: What? 

Grian: *makes frustrated sound* 

Scar, nervously: Stop that. Before they hurt you. 

Mumbo: You believe me? 

Grian: Mumbo, you’re the last good person on this planet. I‘d believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.

 

Grian: Reverse tooth fairy where you leave money under your pillow and the tooth fairy comes and leaves you a bunch of teeth. 

Scar: Why? 

Grian, shaking a bag of teeth: Just because. 

Mumbo, seeing a banana on the car seat: What the FUCK?? Mumbo, buckling the banana up: Fucking buckle UP, it’s the LAW!

Mumbo: And here we see Scar and Grian in their natural habitat. Texting eachother variations of the word "garlic bread" to try to make eachother laugh. Scar: Gaelic bread. Grian: Grueling brad. Scar: Ha ha, glamorous beans.

Mumbo: How the hell did you crash the car?! Scar: So I was just driving today, right? And my navigation told me to go straight. Scar: I was like "woah, that's homophobic". Instead, I went gay. And, THAT'S when I got into an accident. Mumbo: … Grian, with a proud smile: And THAT'S who I'm in love with, ladies and gentlemen.

These have become addicting to me

[nitewrighter]

I Got Thyme

I saw on twitter that it's currently Yeehan Week! And one of the prompts for this year is plants! It made me think back to my whole "Watchpoint Garden" headcanon, and I realized it would be a really fun thing to explore for pre-relationship YeeHan. Did you know contact with dirt can raise serotonin levels?

Oh, also this is part of my fic continuity, so if you're new here, you'll want to check out Family Reunions and First Impressions for context.

----

"Do you attempt to break all new recruits with hard labor?" Hanzo asked as they walked.

"Look," Cassidy was rubbing his eyebrows with his thumb and forefinger, "If you stay here, you gotta help, and you're not exactly in a position to go on missions yet."

"I assure you, I would be more competent against Talon than at least half this Watchpoint."

"No one's sayin' you ain't good at killin'. But part of keeping this whole watchpoint moving means having food, and man does not live on shitty RTE's and shelf-stable dry goods alone."

"I am not a farmhand," said Hanzo.

"And what's wrong with bein' a farmhand?" Cassidy was giving him a raised-eyebrow, half-lidded look that told Hanzo to choose his next words very carefully.

Hanzo narrowed his own eyes at Cassidy. "I simply do not believe this is the best use of my time, or the best use of me as an asset,"

"You know 'probationary period' means we're still figuring out if we want you as an asset," said Cassidy.

"Somehow I doubt your organization can afford such exclusivity."

"Well, we certainly can't be picky when it comes to farmhands, I can tell you that much," Cassidy adjusted his belt as they walked.

A growling 'hmm' rumbled deep in Hanzo's throat as they approached the orange trees bordering the watchpoint garden.

Hanzo soon quickly regretted the ‘hard labor’ and ‘farmhand’ comments as it became immediately clear that whoever was available and not on a mission or working on some other immediately technically demanding task around the Watchpoint was working in the garden. He recognized a few faces from the night of his arrival. Satya was over near one of the few spaces of wall not covered by an orange tree, setting up a lattice. Ana was pruning back some ornamental perennials they were presumably using for pollination and pest control. Orisa was rearing back on her hind legs with some large shears, trimming away dead branches on the orange trees. Hanzo watched as her head swiveled at him and her optical sensors narrowed. A part of him knew he would have to apologize to her, if he was going to start getting any respect and traction from the rest of this group (but did he really want it?) and yet at the same time he was still so frustrated by this ridiculous 'probationary program' that they had clearly cooked up because of his presence and had not had as an established longstanding policy, that he didn't want to dignify the concept of having to earn this Watchpoint's respect.

An almost equally large, blocky robot was tilling up a new patch of soil. Hanzo's brow crinkled at the sight of the bastion unit. He knew it was on the watchpoint from his preliminary recons on the watchpoint--in truth, its presence had only made him more suspicious of Genji's organization. What kind of people would keep something that had caused such horrific devastation? But seeing it now threw him off. It was making chirruping beeping noises as it worked, in some eerie imitation of humming, as a yellow bird dizzily circled its head and tweeted tunelessly along.

"Yeah, Bastion gets that reaction a lot," said Cassidy, and Hanzo snapped out of his focus.

"Why would you keep something like that around?" asked Hanzo on reflex.

"Bastion's Torbjorn's..." Cassidy hesitated.

"Pet?"

"...buddy," It was clear Cassidy had some skepticism himself on the matter, but was far more used to Bastion's presence.

"Does it go on missions as well?"

"Not that often. We've brought it along on some missions outreaching with omnic communities, some non-combat ecology missions. I can think of like, maybe two missions where there was actual combat but that wasn't really planned. Other than that, it's a bit of a homebody."

"Non-combat missions?" Hanzo arched an eyebrow.

"Yup."

"That is a gun with legs," said Hanzo.

"Well, it doesn't want to be a gun with legs. It wants to be a gardener, and we're more than happy to help it with that."

"So happy you could join us, Cole," Ana stepped up to both of them and Hanzo felt himself tense at the words 'Join us.'

"Well, I figured y'all could use a little extra muscle," Cassidy demonstratively put a hand on his own shoulder and circled his arm with a grin.

Ana's gaze shifted Hanzo with a deliberate slowness. A slight smirk tugged at the corner of her mouth. "So you're really going along with Winston and Jack's plan, then?" she said, her eyes flicking back to Cole.

Hanzo hated being referred to as a 'plan.'

"Just helpin' where I can," said Cassidy with an easy shrug. He bumped his shoulder into Hanzo's, "And he's here to help, too."

"You all... seem to have the. matter well in hand--" Hanzo started, glancing around awkwardly.

"Trust me, we're playing catch-up. I'm sure you'll find something," said Ana, before looking over at Cassidy, "In fact, Cole, we were hoping you could take a look at the irrigation Satya and Torbjörn have planned for the new plot, seeing as technically you have more experience with those systems than a lot of people here."

"Ah hell, I was just a teenager," Cassidy itched at the hair poking out under the brim of his hat.

"That experience is still worth something," said Ana.

A prickle of realization went up the back of Hanzo's neck.

What's wrong with bein' a farmhand?

Of course... Hanzo thought grimly, watching as Cassidy pushed up the sleeves of his shirt and followed Ana over to the area that Bastion was digging up. Hanzo moved to follow over, though he wasn't exactly sure what he would do, when he heard a polite, "Excuse me?"

"Hanzo, right?" a voice piped up next to him and Hanzo glanced sharply over and down at a round, pleasant face, with sunlight catching in glasses.

"We haven't met yet. I'm Mei, would you like to help me in the greenhouse?"

Hanzo's brow crinkled.

----

It really wasn't enough of a 'house' to be called a greenhouse. More of a green 'shed,' or a green 'shanty.' Hanzo frowned over the seedlings in the egg carton before glancing up at Mei, who was carefully cutting out her selections from their egg carton with some shears. He glanced over at several seedlings growing out of cut up cardboard tubes. For one of the leading scientists of her time, Mei wasn't picky when it came to seed containers, and apparently neither were the plants.

"Just separate out the bigger sprouts from the littler ones," said Mei, "We want the most viable plants for the new plot. If you see an extra sprout in the cell, you can just clip that one short. We don't want to risk damaging the roots this early. we want about 6 plants each of tomatoes and peppers."

"I... see..." said Hanzo, who was still helplessly watching her hands as she worked and feeling even more foolish to be afraid of using gardening shears after decades of skillfully handling deadly weapons.

"We've been wanting to expand the growing area for a while," Mei was talking, "It's just, we knew that would mean re-doing the irrigation, which isn't that hard, and honestly it really is now or never with these seedlings looking the way they are. It's just one of those things people easily forget about with all the missions and with their own things..."

She had, as she had explained for most of their time in the greenhouse, been back in China researching aquifers in Shanxi when he first arrived on the Watchpoint. Hanzo wasn't sure if she had been briefed on all of the events of his arrival, and was stuck in the annoying limbo of, 'Does she not know or is she actively choosing to ignore all of that?' as Mei spoke. There was a pause and Hanzo realized Mei was waiting for him to respond.

"And... Shanxi was... your business?" Hanzo said slowly, feeling like an idiot. The more time he spent here, the more he heard people talk to each other, the more he realized how few and far between his interactions with people over the years since leaving the Shimada clan had been.

"Honestly, I think water tables are everyone's business already, or at least they should be," there was a giggle in Mei's voice, "But, some work you do with Overwatch, and other stuff... well, you can't."

"Because Overwatch is operating illegally," Hanzo said flatly, cutting away at a cell which seemed to have a strong seedling.

"Er... yes," said Mei, tucking some hair back, sheepishly, "But, even when I'm on my own, I like to think I'm doing the same work I was doing with them 9 years ago, even if a lot of things are different now."

"And... you are not a soldier, but a scientist."

"The amount of times I've heard that!" said Mei with an eye roll.

"So... you are a non-combatant as well? Like... the Bastion unit?" Hanzo clipped a stray sprout in its cell, and felt oddly guilty in doing so.

"It's not 'the bastion unit' it's just 'Bastion,'" said Mei, easily clipping away at her own seedlings, "But... no, I fight."

"You fight?" Hanzo repeated incredulously.

"Well it's not usually that direct, it's more like the cryo-gun has a lot of applications that can help my team. Raising barriers, creating platforms to get us to higher levels, sometimes creating temporary fixes to unstable structures... it's not all guns blazing all the time!"

"...clearly," said Hanzo, looking at his own seedlings.

"Well, I think we're all set for the tomatoes and peppers!" said Mei, with their selected seedlings all lined up.

"What about this one?" Hanzo held up one of his own seedlings, not wanting to admit that he was a little hurt that she seemed to favor her own selections over his.

"Well, we only have limited space in the garden and these guys are going to get a lot bigger--but you can just keep that one for yourself, if you like? I'm sure we have a spare pot lying around..."

Hanzo glanced at the seedling, and then looked at Mei. "...why?"

"Plants are good for you! I honestly think the Watchpoint could use more green outside the garden. Think of it like... a welcome gift!"

"I am only here on probation," Hanzo said flatly.

"Oh..." Mei said quietly.

"But... I do not know when I will be leaving so... I will see that it is taken care of until then."

"Oh--um, good," said Mei.

A long pause passed between them. Mei was awkwardly sweeping spare bits of dirt off of their worktable.

"Hey, so... you weren't trying to hurt anyone when you came onto the Watchpoint, right?"

So she does know, Hanzo thought sourly.

"No," said Hanzo, "But... I apologize for damaging your security drone."

"What security drone?" Mei tilted her head and a half-sphere-shaped robot suddenly hovered to her side, making a quizzical whirring sound. Okay, so she hadn't heard everything, apparently.

"Eh--" Hanzo stammered at the robot. How many pet robots do they have? he thought, bewilderedly.

"Oh, sorry! This is Snowball! Snowball, Hanzo." Mei gestured at Hanzo to her robot, "But sorry, you were saying about a security drone?"

Hanzo remembered, at this point, how he had managed to make everyone who had confronted him that night hate him by referring to Orisa as a security drone, and he had simply referred to her as a security drone in that moment because he was too frustrated with the concept of apologizing to someone whom he was just meeting now for something she hadn't even been here for to remember Orisa had a name.

"There was--" Hanzo started, but then there was a creak of the greenhouse door opening and Ana leaned in.

"Mei, do you mind if I borrow him for a bit? We're shelling the last of the broad bean harvest."

"Do you mind?" Mei looked at Hanzo.

Hanzo minded a lot of things about the current situation, but now was in a position where he wasn't sure if he was more annoyed at Ana talking as if he didn't have a choice in the matter, and Mei talking to him as if he did. Where was the damned discipline in this place? But instead, all that came out of his mouth was, "...beans?"

---

Both Hanzo and Ana sat at a temporary hard-light table with hard-light chairs in the shade of one of the orange trees. Each of them had a small bowl in their lap to catch the beans as they shelled them. A large bowl, slowly being filled with shelled beans was between them, and a slowly growing pile of empty bean pods was at their feet. Hanzo hated to admit that he liked this work far more than working with the seedlings. In a way it reminded him of crafting his own arrows, in a more menial, mindless way.

"I think we got off on the wrong foot," said Ana, tossing down a

"You shot me with a sleeping dart."

"You broke onto the watchpoint and attacked both Orisa and Cole."

"They attacked me--"

"Did they attack you, or did they talk to you first?"

"...they... told me to lower my weapon."

"The weapon you had at the ready while breaking onto our Watchpoint."

"...yes."

Ana was giving him a steady, tired-but-patient look. "You're very used to doing things on your own terms, aren't you?"

Hanzo returned her gaze with a mild glower.

Hanzo wasn't exactly sure how long he would keep up the glare, but the moment of tension was abruptly ended when Bastion clunked up to them and gestured at the bean pods at their feet with a questioning chirrup.

"Yes, dear, thank you," said Ana as Bastion scooped up the bean pods and clunked off again towards the compost pile.

"...you fought in the crisis, didn't you?" Hanzo asked.

"I did," said Ana.

"And you have no issue living with a Bastion unit?"

"You seem a bit hung up on that."

"I have no issues with omnics, I've worked with many in my travels, but that is clearly not a typical laborer unit, and I am trying to understand why it is here."

"Why 'it' is here..." Ana repeated musingly and Hanzo felt the back of his neck burning.

"If it does not fight..." Hanzo trailed off.

"Not everything is about combat," said Ana.

Hanzo gave Ana a skeptical look.

"Overwatch was initially formed to combat the omnic crisis, this is true, but many believe that our greater contributions were in our relief efforts, in our scientific research and advancements," Ana looked over at Bastion, turning over the compost pile with a rake, "It's taken some getting used to, but I think I like what Bastion's presence represents to me."

"And that is...?"

"That we are more than the battles we fought. That we can shape ourselves beyond the circumstances we were made in."

"To be... gardeners," said Hanzo, watching as Bastion took up a shovel-ful of more broken down compost and clunked over to where Cassidy was hoeing up an extra square foot onto the end of their new intended plot. Hanzo's eyes lingered over Cassidy and the way the plaid of his shirt stretched taut over his back muscles, the way his belt stood stubborn over the movement of his hips. Cassidy pushed himself up to his full height, tilted his hat back with his thumb, and wiped the sweat from his brow, his gardening gloves leaving a smudge of dirt amidst the salt and shine, the topmost buttons of his shirt straining with his breath.

"Among other things," said Ana. Hanzo instantly gauged that she could tell where he was looking and shoved his eyes down to the bean pods in his lap.

"It would be more efficient to just attach a hard-light plow to the OR-15 unit," Hanzo muttered, shelling beans faster than usual.

"There's not really enough space for that. Although, you're welcome to try and put a plow on Orisa," Ana said with amusement.

Hanzo's lips just thinned and he shelled in silence. Eventually, though, his eyes did trail back to Cassidy.

"...I should have asked you, how are you two getting along?"

"He... worked on farms prior to this?" said Hanzo, watching as Cassidy guzzled from a water bottle to the point where it was running down his neck. Not realizing he wasn't really answering Ana's question.

"We were able to find some temporary working documentation with a few agro-corps in his records when we first recruited him. He doesn't like talking about it much, but he does have some skills in that area," said Ana. She paused. "He's not a thug, by the way."

"What?" said Hanzo.

"That's what you called him your first night here. A 'thug serving the word of whomever's most convenient to him.'"

Hanzo's shoulders shrank a little.

"He didn't have a lot of say in the matter when he first joined us either," Ana went on, "But he's been one of our most loyal agents over the years, even knowing us at our worst. He knew when we were doing wrong, he knew when things were going rotten, but we were all he had so..." she trailed off, "I don't think he's ever done anything out of 'convenience.'"

Hanzo watched as Cassidy struck down with the hoe once more, jamming a booted foot on top of it, apparently working with a particularly rooty, hard chunk of earth.

"I... spoke more out of emotion than recognition of my environment that night," said Hanzo, "It will not happen again."

"It always happens again," said Ana, "To everyone."

Hanzo gave her a sidelong glance and turned his attention down to his beans. "I can't afford that sort of misstep. And I can't see how you all can sit around gardening and shelling beans when, if Genji is to be believed, you stand on the brink of annihilation from Null Sector and Talon."

"What do you think Genji and the others are doing right now?" said Ana, dumping her own bowl of shelled beans into the larger bowl between them, "There is always the fight, but there's also the garrison. There's making sure there's a place to regroup, to recover, to strategize, to assess the threats present to us" she demonstratively shook a bean pod at him, "To eat."

Hanzo snorted softly.

"You have been alone for a long time," Ana said quietly, casting an empty bean pod to the ground.

"I have," Hanzo admitted, "And... I am not sure if I am capable of helping build what you are describing."

"According to your dossier, you're, in theory, a highly proficient strategist and organizer."

"That was for criminals. This is..." Hanzo trailed off.

Ana just shrugged and continued shelling. "You know," she said, "In the military, there's two kinds of people--well, it's more of two ends of a spectrum, really. You have the people who joined because they like the concept of order, both having discipline put in their lives, and being able to have order over others--the ability to say something, and then see others put your words into action. Then there are others--they join for their own reasons, they don't take to the authority as well, but they prove themselves highly adaptable in combat. No one is 100% of either, and you need people who have a well-balanced mix of all those attributes, or a good mix of people who lean more towards one or the other, to have a successful team. A team that's too dependent on falling in line can't adapt when things change, and things will change, and a team that's full of self-declared mavericks can't pull together as a unit."

"Why are you telling me this?" said Hanzo.

"I don't think I've ever met someone who is such a thorough mix of both those aspects in a way that completely bites them in the ass before you," she paused, "Well, except maybe Jack."

"And you can make this judgment when I've only been on the Watchpoint several days?" Hanzo didn't look up from his own bean pods.

"I've been doing this a long time," Ana said easily.

Hanzo glanced back at Cassidy. "And which type was he?"

"I'll give you one guess," said Ana, and Hanzo gave an amused huff.

----

The shadows were long on the watchpoint by the time they had the irrigation completely set up and all the little seedlings planted at their respective plots. Bastion tweeted as it spread out mulch and raked up stray dirt and clippings. Most of the gardeners dispersed to put away equipment or prep for dinner in the mess hall.

"Whatcha got there?" Cassidy asked as they both walked away from the garden.

"It's...nothing," said Hanzo, holding the small seedling at his side away from Cassidy.

"Doesn't look like nothing," said Cassidy, craning over Hanzo's shoulder to get a better look. He smelled like sweat and crushed leaves and orange rinds and sweet earth.

"It's a plant," Hanzo said flatly, "It was a gift."

"Look at you, makin' friends already," said Cassidy, pocketing his hands, "So what do you think? Now that we all ain't in pajamas and pointing guns and bows at each other?"

Hanzo kept his eyes fixed forward. "I am still trying to understand how you organize yourselves. I came here under the impression that this was a mercenary group, but actually observing you..." he trailed off.

"It's not all gardening, obviously," said Cassidy, "There's maintenance, inventorying, surveying watchpoint security 'n where we need equipment, whether we can whip something up on-site, other means of acquisitions and what-have-you, Winston keep sending out these 'team morale evaluations,'" Cassidy used finger quotes at this, "Yup. I think this was a pretty lucky day to see the Watchpoint like this, t'be honest. And you can bet the old Overwatch wasn't exactly keeping itself fed with a victory garden either—I mean aside from what they'd have for Ecowatch photo-ops. We do what we can to teach each other different jobs. 'Course everyone has different areas of expertise, but you figure out ways to carry each others' loads. Somehow shit pulls together. The wheels haven't fallen off yet." 

"Fewer resources and personnel means a more fluid hierarchy," Hanzo murmured to himself.

"I guess," Cassidy shrugged, "You think about what you want out of all this?"

"What do you mean?" said Hanzo, managing to suppress the question of 'What is there to get out of all this?'

"I mean like... You talk about wanting to fight alongside us---"

"I want to fight because I won't have the only family I have left dying for you."

"And that's great! It is! I mean, I want to think it's great. Again--you're still on probation--"

"You don't have to keep telling me."

"But I'm asking about you. Your plans. We all make it through this, what are you going to do? Are you just going to keep following Genji around? Go back to Japan and try and take that big ol' palace back? Ride off into the sunset?"

Hanzo's jaw set grimly and he didn't answer. Cassidy watched him for a few seconds in silence. Hanzo's eyes met his only briefly, expecting contempt but not finding it. Instead, Cassidy's face had softened. Pity?

"...You don't have to answer that," said Cassidy, a bit too late.

"What about you?" asked Hanzo.

Cassidy just pocketed his hands and fixed his eyes forward. "Ride off into the sunset?" he said again, shrugging, then after a beat he said, "...maybe turn myself in. Get a lawyer. Say my piece. Do my time if I have to. Hell, maybe the system'll be working then."

"...You don't know if you're going to make it out of this alive," Hanzo said quietly.

"I'm just more worried about getting everyone else through this alive," said Cassidy, "You included, believe it or not."

Another long silence passed between them as they walked.

"Don't tell the Captain that, though," said Cassidy, "She fusses over me enough as it is."

"I can tell," said Hanzo. For once the corners of his mouth were pulled in something that was not a frown.

[florasletter]

i am gonna rant, tomorrow is the oscars, i need to say something ive been wanting to say for a while

any fucking filmmaker that makes drama/comedy (taika, gunn, greta, etc) movies would make barbie, its easy marketing, hoards of money, its a low risk investiment since its a popular, PG 13 movie, colorfull, appealing for everyone, has all the IP to make money, WB is thirsty for good press and is swimming on money, they will give its full support, its a story everyone knows for 60 years of a ficctional character or a doll the whole world knows. i like barbie it was a good movie. greta did a wonderful job for what was giver her. period.

now tell me

a book about a historical controversial figure, boring ass talks abt nuclear war, ww2, communism and cold war, phsysics stuff, relased in 2006 and won a pulitzer prize.

no director dared to make a movie abt it. very high risk, why?

the pandemic and its inflation and new habits of consumption post super hero (very saturated) cinema era in an era quick shitty streaming movies bc they dont need theatrical release, little effort, just pump movies out, no control wheater is good or not no one (as many would think) would want a 3 hour movie, with heavy dialogue (bc it needs it to tell the story properly) with many black and white scenes, Rated R, nudity and s3xual representation scenes about this historical controversial figure. tiktok and reels era, most people are obssessed with a 30 seconds videos in their hands, keeping a very bad habit of zero attention span and quick serotonin, unable to enjoy the development of a full story that is longer than 30 without a pop music playing on the background can't go around marketing the movie like its super fun and colorfull for the entire family ahah cool, lets make it a competition like ahaha BARBIEMHEIMER ahah so fun lol why dont they get into it too? it would help their marketing bc lol who wanna watcha 3 hour R rated movie abt a physicist lmao get real!!! No buddy, you wanna scrutinize what happened the people of japan? this guy was scrutinized by its own country after everything he was asked to do? no, you cant market it like that, its harder, but thankfully the ppl making the movie ARE THE MARKETING. also the ppl saying "who cares abt nuclear war lmao, it wont happen" guess who just did a speech abt it the other day abt using them?? i am not gonna say his name yall know who it is. now invest 100mi on a movie like this. didnt see all the others directors around rushing to make a movie abt oppenheimer like chris did, he thought it was very interesting and passionate abt it, he had a vision for it, to contextualize yall: he has been wanting to make something biographical for years (will we ever see his howard hugues movie? thanks martin for doing it first??? will chris ever recover from this? poor bby). and ffs this movie didnt even use that much computer VFX, so much amazing pratical effects it didnt even an oscar nom for it, any other director could have done with the computer technology from 10 years ago. buddy literally asked for black and white imax films, no one did this before. buddy dark knight came out 16 years ago, the first movie shot in imax, back then there was 4 or 3 cameras in the world and this idiot i love even managed to break one of them during the shooting (see the behind the scenes of dark knight its amazing and hilarious). what other filmmaker is going this far for a biography? they could have made this movie but

they didnt make it. period.

i am not here to say that this is better than every other movie, oppenheimer should be forever praised (it is not in my sincere opinion chris' best movie, neither my fav of his) but this is for the ppl whining abt barbie and putting oppenheimer against it.

the reels i saw the other day "greta could make oppeneimer, but nolan couldnt make barbie" HONEY... WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFO? IS THIS SUPPOSED TO ME HER LOOK GOOD ? you are not helping her at all... if she can make oppenheimer why didnt she make it before? is it bc it would be hard to pitch? it wouldnt be easy to make money from it or get funded? it would just be another oscar winning box office flop? bc lets be real, many amazing oscar movies i love, they were commercial flops, and its ok, BUT YOU SEE IT RIGHT?

marvels endgame was a huge commercial movie and a great box office, no one here is screaming the russos to get noms

"ah its a groundbreaking movie bc of feminism"

honey please there's more groundbreaking movies better than barbie, are you fucking kidding me. this is the stuff that makes me ashamed of saying i am a feminist.

also who cares abt margot, isnt it abt to be feminism or is it white feminism ? i wanna see support for lilly gladstone who did and insane work in KOTFM than emma stone in PT.

i am biased, i am his fan afterall, i have no hate for the others, but i am a realist. chris has been making movies for 20 years, groundbreaking breathtaking beautiful stuff, i am not here to throw the party like "visionary director" but i wanna put things on the table, he has been way past what the academy considers cinema, he has been snubbed for so long it became ridiculous. he has been doing an imppecable work of supporting filmmaking and the theater industry, supporting the craftsmanship of filmmaking the studios' inverstors and companies look down on just for profits. to end my rant now, the last thing i wanna say is: i don't care if yall say "ah just another cis het white man winning/being nominated" yes honey, it is.

if anything, this is the "cis het white man" who you just can't believe has not won yet. insane right? he has been snubbed by other cis het white males who would believe it right? lmao

now i am done.

we take in the sheets tomorrow evening. have a great saturday yall

[foggyfanfic]

One (very kind) person asked, so this is what I'm using as "character sheet" whenever I doodle them. 20's Bruno headcanons and stuff about Leandra under the cut.

Bruno

I love the headcanon that Bruno shrunk in the walls, it's so good for angst, so I like to think he started out about as tall as Pepa and Juli was the short triplet. Then he comes out of the walls and Juli has this guilty moment where she realizes she's not the shortest anymore and feels a split second of joy before the implications set in.

He doesn't get the ability to grow a full beard until he's almost forty, but he has a pretty easy to maintain goatee until then.

Once upon a time there was an effort to keep his hair trimmed and neat, but as he gets further into adulthood he stops bothering.

He's had three main ruanas in his life. One when he was a kid, a simple one when he was an adult that was only slightly too big, then when he accidentally ripped it beyond repair he got the one we see in the movie. He also has a church ruana and a boring ruana for when he wants to blend in.

Hates closed toe shoes and only wears them when his sisters ask him to (on runs, weddings, etc.)

The OCD is still under control in his twenties, but steadily gets out of hand in his thirties. This is the 1920's so nobody realizes his "quirks" are caused by a lack of serotonin, right? I assume everybody thinks they're a side effect of his visions.

Not that religious yet, but still has a healthy respect for the church.

This isn't specific to 20's Bruno, just my thoughts in general, and it might be me projecting, but Bruno seems very gender to me. I think he's one of those people where historians would be like "It's a different time and culture so we can't know how he'd identify" but he has had both a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

Leandra

You'll have to zoom in to see Leandra's freckles but they're there and cover her entire body.

She's meant to have the body type of a female boxer, she does a lot of manual labor so I figure she would be muscular but not in the same way as Luisa who we see actively working out. The problem with drawing that body type is if you put saaay an apron around your characters waist because you want to show she spends most her time working, it's going to make it look like she breasts very boobily. I've decided to lean into it after drawing this, but I try to keep in mind that she has broad shoulders and thick limbs when describing her.

She has double hips, no reason why, I just feel they're under represented.

Hair type is 3B. Base color is dark brown, but she has red undertones and is always out in the sun where they're extra visible.

Most of her clothes are handy-downs from Rosalie, whose parents are rich.

She is what I consider to be straight, but if she realized that bisexuality was an option, she would have experimented just to be sure.

I made her an orphan because in the beginning I was going to make her a reader insert, and I wanted to give her as blank slate of a background as possible. I kept it that way since I figure the first five years in Encanto were probably pretty rough. Her birth mother was the last person in her family to pass, and that was when Leandra was three (most people start forming long term memories at four so her Pa is all she knows).

[fizzingwizard]

On Methods for Gauging Reader Interest, because it's not just about comments!

Initially, comments and kudos are what matter most to me. Hits only show how many people click, so when I post a new fic or a first chapter, there's no way to know whether people stick around till the end unless they leave kudos or comment.

For fics with multiple chapters/installments, hits begin to matter as kudos dry up. You can leave kudos on AO3 once per fic. The only way to show extra support to a writer afterward is to comment on each chapter. But a lot more people are going to read than are going to leave comments. If you start looking at hits and thinking of them as little kudos themselves, that's something. Of course some of those people are still clicking and leaving without reading to the end. But it's safe to assume that enough aren't, especially if you see a similar or increased count of new hits each time you update.

Don't overlook bookmarks! If someone's bookmarked or subscribed to your fic, count it in your head as kudos. And don't forget that on AO3 you can have private bookmarks which don't show in the public bookmark count. Check your stats and you might find your fic is bookmarked significantly more often than it appears to be. (Also check what your public bookmarks are because sometimes people leave mini reviews in them and it's such a sweet surprise!)

All fics lose interaction relative to when they were published after they haven't been updated for a while. So if you want to know whether anyone's reading your "old" fic (in quotes because I find fics are treated as old pretty much as soon as they're completed and off the first page of results!), but kudos are rare and comments are rarer still: look at hits. Indulge in that wiggle of joy you get when you see there are people reading. It's not silly to do that. That's a person who noticed your fic and was interested enough to open it.

While comments will always give the biggest serotonin boost for most of us, I think that a lot of the reason we don't feel the same towards hits is simply because they're not comments. We've programmed ourselves to see certain forms of interaction as more valuable. But if you think about it, fan art here on tumblr gets a lot more likes than it does reblogs or comments. Likes on tumblr can mean you liked the art, or you're bookmarking it for later, or even that you don't like it and are planning to rant about it. Plus people can revoke Likes any time they want, which you can't do with comments or kudos.

Likes are the bare minimum for interaction tumblr, and hits are the bare minimum for AO3. Art will still have more, because it's quicker to take in a picture than it is to read even a short fic, and easier to make a judgment on whether or not you enjoy it. But the value of that interaction isn't necessarily different if you equate likes to hits. In both cases, comments and shares occur less. Interaction is largely wordless - that's just how it is. But that lack of words doesn't mean lack of interest. You've got to arrange your mentality to interpret the coded message.

This may sound like a case for quantity over quality, but that's not my intention. I know as well as any fic writer how a joyful comment can power me through the whole of the next chapter, while posting and not getting any response for weeks can feel like I might as well give up and become an accountant. :P But it's completely out of our control. And it's better to focus on what you can control than what you can't.

"I don't get enough reader response" is a common refrain which I've heard since I posted my first ever fic as wide-eyed eleven-year-old. Over the years, I found that my reliance on comments dropped as I came to value other forms of engagement more highly, as I think they deserve to be. It doesn't mean I don't still adore my commenters, it just means I am more aware of my quiet readers and adoring them as well has done wonders for my confidence as a writer :)

[citybops]

hellooo I wanted to ask if you have any advice for preparing workshops? how do you go around the process? due to covid / online classes I've sort of missed my chances of preparing one and all professors just assume you already know how to do it but I'm scared as hell I'll graduate and won't even know how to do workshops or focus groups :-( any knowledge you have I'll appreciate hearing it!

omg... we're in this together 🫂 my professors are soooo not helpful they assumed we knew how to do this shit since the very beginning so I've been just learning from my experiences (fuck ups) 😭

first things first.... u HAVE TO know your audience. from age group, occupation, gender to what do they like to do, do they know each other, do they like each other, what they can or can't do. do as many questions u can and pressure them to give u clear answers. this is very important as it will be ur base.

then u start searching for activities. the first one has to be a fun one for distention purposes, to get their serotonin up. after this one u need to provide theoretical knowledge and then a practical activity to put into action the knowledge u just gave.

**for newbies like us it's better not to get too didactic with our practical activities because we can easily lose control of the group, especially if we're working with kids.

**it's best to win the group through our charming personality, u need to be engaging with the attendants at all times. aak them questions, crack jokes, compliment them.

**make sure they can get something personal out of the activities. i assume this will be rather difficult if you're not doing like therapy related stuff like i do but i believe in u 🥺

**coffee breaks are lifesavers.

ummm can't think of anything else rn so if u have any specific questions feel free to ask again ! tho idk if I'll be of any help given that idk what im doing either

[ultrcviolet]

not even the burnouts are out here anymore.

wanted connections listed below.

i. we spent what was left of our serotonin - the moment of peace. in the eye of a hurricane, there is a quiet kind of peaceful. they bring out this kind of stability in maeve. they don’t force her into it or make her feel bad when she has those days she feels like she can’t slow down, they just embrace her regardless. there’s always have a safe place to land, whether it’s controlled or a crash. taken by topher.

ii. just a wrinkle in your new life - the former friend. the walsh family were never well off, but they sure as hell were doing better than maeve trying to brave the world on her own. they knew maeve back when they were both kids. when maeve was fighting with her parents and running away from home, they distanced themselves for reasons maeve never cared to ask. when they started trying to talk to her again (closure or reunion, who really knows), maeve has made it clear she won’t listen.

iii. i swear i'd burn this city down to show you the light - the soft spot. maeve is is tough shell to crack, but they have managed to do it. she feels this intense protectiveness over them. definitely more of a soft, sunshine type character. taken by abril.

iv. can't take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid - the antagonists. everyone in town assumes you guys hate each other. it’s only half true, really. there’s something about someone that will be just as snarky to your face as you are to theirs that can build a lot of trust. she didn’t see it before, but now that everyone is a suspect, maeve is paying a little more attention to who she thinks she can trust. somehow, they made the list. taken by nax.

v. i thought i loved you, but it was just how you looked in the light - the ghosted. maeve doesn’t play with other people’s feelings. truth is, she has never really cared enough to. if she doesn’t like you, she doesn’t care about the people pleasing niceties that say she should pretend to. you will know. which means she did really like them when the sparks started to fly. things just moved too quickly and running away was all maeve knew how to do. convinced herself those feelings were fake and avoided anything that reminded her of that near relationship.

vi. take this sideshow & all its freaks, turn it into the silver screen dream - the friends. maeve’s go-tos. could either be a small group that all kind of hang out and vibe together or just a handful of friends that maeve has and hangs out with all separately. ( open to 2-3 )

vii. you wanna hold my hand. i make a fist - the ex. one of maeve’s most serious relations. still, she struggled with being open and vulnerable to a partner. she’d always push them away, usually for them to return. one time they didn’t, and maeve is trying to put on a brave face and act like being left doesn’t feel like a knife.

viii. i need a new partner in crime and you shrug - the partner in crime. young, wild and free; that’s always been the goal. these two are a match made in hell. though they probably bring out the worst in each other, they have so much fun when together. something that burns this bright is bound to burn out quickly, but it’s going to be one hell of a ride until you crash.

ix. this is our place, we make the rules - the roomie. maeve cut off her family and ran away <3 she’s got very little money so it wouldn’t be the most flash place ever, but roomies that are just pure chaos vibes in a small apartment PLEASE.

also anything any everything else <3

[targetacquiredfirstvolume]

CHAPTER 2 - “Couple Therapy Time”

So I lied. Asano and I are, well-

He grabs my wrist and pulls it over my head. Together.

I feel his other hand grab my other wrist and pin my wrists together. You know, boyfriend-girlfriend.

He uses one hand to keep my wrists in place and uses his other to hold my chin up, so now I'm actually looking straight at him. We're kind of a thing, you know?

He leans down toward me and plants a soft kiss on my lips. As he pulls away from me, I sigh, longing for hundreds more. Luckily for me, Principal Asano has a school board meeting, so I'll have plenty of time for... bonding.

His lips then graze against my neck. I gasp. Damn it, he knows how sensitive my body is, but he always does this.

He lets my wrists free with one hand and uses his other to grab my waist. I place my hands on his shoulders to hold myself steady.

He begins to move farther down from my neck, nipping at my skin. He's getting close to my chest. We've never gotten this far before! What comes next? Babies? Oh, man, this is-

Knock, knock!

"Asano," someone calls out from the doors of the classroom Asano and I are in. It's Ren. "I got the copies of those theater try-out posters Megumi wanted. Where should I put them?"

Asano draws away me. "Son of a bitch," he mutters, grabbing his tie from a desk. He ties it aggressively. He glances back at me while I button my shirt up. He tosses my tie to me, smirking. I catch it and attempt to tie it around my neck.

"Give me a second," Asano calls out to Ren. He moves over to me and crouches down to help me tie my tie. "There," he whispers as he gives me a kiss on my forehead.

We both walk over to the classroom door. He turns the light on and slides open the door, revealing Ren, who's clutching what looks like at least a hundred posters.

"Thanks," I tell Ren, while grabbing the posters. He looks puzzled about something.

"Here," Asano says. "Let me help you." He takes the posters from my hands and walks away to set them on a desk. Thank god, there were like a million posters there. I asked Ren to print ten.

"You know," Ren starts as Asano flips through the posters, checking them. "Health was pretty interesting today."

I yawn. Oh, great, he's babbling again. "Cool," I respond.

"Making out gives you like a crazy amount of serotonin," Ren adds, smiling at me. "Especially if you almost get caught." Shit.

Asano drops the posters and stares blankly at Ren.

"Uh," I stutter out. "You're not serious, right?"

"Hmm?" Ren asks. "I just thought that it would be useful advice to you two."

I trail off. Why do I have to be so bad at lying?

"You got us," Asano says. Well, he recovers fast! "Megumi and I were making out in here."

"No, we weren't!" I squeal.

Ren rolls his eyes and walks out of the room.

I grab a few of the posters, avoiding eye contact with Asano, but he firmly grasps my chin and forces me to look at him. 

"Leave the talking to me next time," he orders.

I scoff, "Who are you to command me all of a sudden?"

"Your boyfriend."

"You won't be for much longer if you keep being a dick."

He laughs, "You know that you can't call that shot."

"I can do whatever I please, asshole," I respond while backing away from his grasp.

He grabs my wrist and pulls me so close to him that his mouth is next to my ear. His voice suddenly changes to a serious tone as he coldly states, "I control you, and you need to understand that and stop fighting back. I can ruin you with a snap of my finger."

"Asano?" Ren's voice calls out from the hallway. Asano draws back from me, smiles, and whispers, "Keep that in mind, my pet." He then walks out of the classroom doors, leaving me shaken. 'Date Gakushu Asano,' they said. 'You guys would be so cute together,' they said. Cute together, my ass!

~

"You really think I would be good at acting?" Okuda asks me. I've been discussing the theater try-outs with my classmates.

"I know you could!" I tell her. I could do so much with her and the others!

"Thank you, Yanagisa!" she exclaims.

"Call me Megumi," I say before turning to leave the classroom.

It's been about a day since Asano and I got into an argument, and we've been avoiding each other since. I think his father may have noticed.

The intercom turns on with a beep and dismisses us. Before it turns off, I hear the principal add, "May Megumi Yanagisa report to the principal's office by 3:45?" Yup, he noticed. Shit.

Some of the classmates, including Korosensei, make an obvious "Ooh," sound. I roll my eyes and  continue to leave the classroom, but before I can leave, Karma asks, "What's it like doing it in the principal's office?"

I can feel my face flush up.

"Shut up, Karma," I shout before storming out of the room.

~

"What?" I yell. "Couple therapy?"

Mr. Asano nods his head. That sick bastard! Trying to get Gakushu to open up is impossible!

"Whose idea was this anyway?" Asano demands. He's standing next to me in front of the principal's desk. 

Mr. Asano chuckles to himself and says, "Megumi's teacher, actually."

"What the hell?!" I exclaim. I can feel my fists clenching up.

"So who's our therapist?" Asano asks. He's hiding it, but I can tell that he's pissed off.

"Megumi's teacher," Mr. Asano laughs, obviously amused with our predicament.

"I don't believe this!" I choke out. Damn octopus! "I'm not going if he's our therapist!"

Mr. Asano clears his throat and asserts, "If you two don't get your shit together soon, it'll only get worse, so I suggest that you both go to that therapy session this afternoon. You are dismissed."

Asano and I leave without a word and walk silently next to one another in the main building hallways. He's staring ahead while I'm staring down. After we reach the bottom of the mountain that the E-Class building is on, he clears his throat.

"Listen," he begins quietly. "If we want to get out of this therapy bullshit, we'll have to work together."

I look up and see his avoiding eye contact with me. I admit it, he looks kind-of cute when he's shy. "I agree. Maybe we could get Koro-" I stop myself. Asano looks expectantly at me. I continue, "I mean, my teacher, to leave during the therapy session. Like, scare him away."

Asano nods, and we both go silent for a moment. I didn't realize this before, but we've moved towards each other slightly. In fact, we're so class that our hands are brushing against one another every other step we take. I give up on being mad at him!

I poke his hand with my index finger playfully. He smiles and pokes me back. Our fingers intertwine and-

Click!

We look up to see Nakamura standing in front of us with her phone pointed towards us. She grins maliciously as she snaps a few more photos. She turns around and runs towards another student who I recognize as Karma. Great, just what we needed.

Asano seems confused and he simply looks ahead, speechless. I groan and drag him towards the E-Class building. I forgot to warn Asano about Nakamura and Karma being spawns of the devil.

"Don't worry about her," I tell Asano as we walk towards the classroom. When we reach the pathway to the entrance, our hands separate.

~

"Come on in," Korosensei calls from the teacher's lounge. Asano and I walk in to see Korosensei in a really shitty disguise.

"What the hell are you wearing?!" I yell at him. "You really couldn't afford a better dis-"

"-Guise?" Asano asks me.

"Yeah," I reply nonchalantly. Wait, what I am saying?! He's not supposed to find out about this! "Actually, no! I was talking about something else!"

Asano stares at me; he seems to be trying to figure something out. He smiles smugly at me. He must have figured it out! I'm screwed!

Korosensei clears his throat and says in a very serious voice, "I believe you both know why you're at this session." I can't take him serious right now!

I walk in front of Asano and sit down across from Korosensei, and Asano follows.

Korosensei's eyes dart from Asano and I. Maybe he's trying to decide what to say next?

"You really suck at this, sensei," I say after at least a minute of awkward eye contact.

"WHAT?!" Korosensei shouts out. His eyes are watering and he starts sniffing. "I'm trying my best, you know! It's not my fault you two are the most intimidating teenagers I've ever met!"

Asano glances at me, and we both nod. The plan is in motion!

"I mean," he begins. "If this whole therapist thing is too much for you, that's alright, sir."

Korosensei wipes his eyes with a tissue and asks, "Really?"

Asano smiles and nonchalantly answers, "Yeah, I'll just get my dad to duck your pay."

Korosensei begins to sob louder than before. That's my cue!

"Damn it, Gakushu! What's your problem?" I yell at Asano. Korosensei sniffs and looks up at us.

Asano slams his hands on the desk and stands up. He laughs like a psycho and shouts back at me, "Really? I'm the problem? That's rich!"

I stand up for the grand finale and drop the bomb, "That's it! We're through, asshole!"

Korosensei faints, and I mean literally falls unconscious! He springs back up and zooms out of the classroom, slamming the door on his way. 

I turn over to Asano and grin. Yet another star performance! He smiles back, sighs, and falls into a heap on the floor. I sit down as well.

We both sit in silence for what feels like eternity. All I can think about is how much I love him.

"You know," Asano says quietly. "Hearing you say those words may have been the scariest thing I've ever heard."

He looks over and smiles possibly the most sincere smile I've ever seen on him. I can feel his cold, purple eyes burn into my heart. Damn it, I really have fallen victim to the Venus flytrap that is Gakushu Asano.

I can't resist any longer, so I lunge over onto him and press my lips against his. He stumbles back slightly but steadies himself. I feel his hand hold onto my head. I place my hands on his shoulder to ready myself. Our lips part, but after a moment, I decide to change things up.

I begin to kiss his neck, which definitely surprises him. His breathing becomes unsteady as he attempts to hold some dominance over me. Good luck, I've been waiting a whole day for this!

"Megumi, I-" he gasps. Looks like I finally got the upper hand after a year of this bullshit.

I draw away from him and take a minute to both collect myself and study my boyfriend. His face is the reddest I've ever seen it and... shit! I wore lipstick today.

Asano's neck is covered with light red marks. I attempt to rub off some of it but to no avail.

I get ready to stand up when-

Click!

Are you kidding me?!

I look past Asano to see not only Nakamura but Karma peering into the window with their phones poised and ready to snap photos. I flip them off as I stand up; they just snicker and dart off.

I help Asano to his feet. Guess he's still a little shaken up. We walk out of the classroom together, fingers locked together.

~

"You both seriously planned for this?!" I say, shocked. Turns out that this whole therapy bullshit was all an act to get Asano and I back on good terms!

"Yes, and it..." Mr. Asano replies, pausing to look at his son. "...quite obviously worked."

Of course it did; when do your plots not work, principal? Don't worry, though, you don't scare me... much. I'm not backing out of this game of chess yet!

Just you wait, A-Class!

[mooahxx]

getting into depression

yes, i'm getting into depression. and no, it's not like a point of view of mine, i'm really getting into it. so first i'm going to explain u why and how.

well, so what's depression and how it start? i must say, if you're not depressed, u can't actually understand how if feels, because only a depressed person will know the feeling. and that's because your brain is working perfectly fine to get it. so why do we feel depressed? well, depression normally appears when you face something in your journey that you're not prepared for or being in situations that you don't have control about it or countless other reasons... in summary: when life happens. ''ok, mooah, but how?'' well, imagine a healthy brain function. what happens there? well, when ur brain is healthy, it means you're ''living'' and in addition to that ur making it produce serotonin and dopamine. and those neurotransmitters are important to make your life shine bright like a diamond. so here's how depression starts. one day you're fighting something that hurts you or bothers you. and then another day you're really done of that because everything seems so unfair to you and you start to realize how hard life is to some kind of people. you are really really tired, so you start to think like, ''whatever'' or ''i don't care anymore''. and then you're like, let me buy this because i know this will make me happy, and it doesn't. so you do another thing but it doesn't as well. and then u start to realize that nothing you do works, because you're still unhappy and deep down you think it's because you didn't solve your main problem. so guess what? you're getting into depression. yayy. but like, ''why?'' you ask. well, during all those days of you trying and ''giving up'' you got your brain used to a kind of feeling and mood: sadness and tiredness. so during the whole period, your brain learn and adjust it to live in that state. shit. so what now? well, u might think that solving your main problem it'll fix (yeah, our brain is actually a quite machine) your state. nah y'all... i'm telling you, it will make you feel worse by making you realize that nothing will happen like u were expecting. the thing is, you'll have to force your brain to create dopamine and serotonin at all cost. ''mooah, do you want me to take pills?'' NO! that's for worst cases with a profissional recommendation. so because we don't want do get into that stage, we will have to force it naturally. ''but how am i going to do this if nothing i do matters?''. well, nothing new matters. you know what? feelings are complicated things (tell u abt it right). you won't be able to force your brain to produce those neurotransmitters with new things. but your brain has memory, and nothing is stronger than memories. so the thing is, you''ll have to make your brain produce neurotransmitters by feeling nostalgic. buying new clothes/shoes/skin care products :(me) won't make you produce nothing strong. but, re-watching something you used to love, meeting people who used to make you feel better, doing things that brings you memory... will certainly make your brain produce those neurotransmitters better. and definitely we can't forget to eat healthily too... remember the machine thing. and also, we got neurotransmitters in our digestive system, so... but yeah, that's the worst part, right? because we just feel like going home and sometimes not even that...but...like...that's all what we gotta do. because we will be out of this, right? let's do it together, step by step. so make your brain produce serotonin today. I pinky promise you i'll do the same.

[fox--5]

Wow it's been forever since I actually posted, especially art

Here's Rev! I think I've posted him before, but I added more to his character, so he has a human form now (he's a werefox (cape fox specifically))

More detailed information below

Now, the way the werewolves from this story work, is they can go back and fourth between wolf form to human form at will, not /just/ on full moons, BUT on full moons, they /do/ transform and become more animalistic.

However, when in dangerous situations, or if they just feel unsafe, they find it difficult to stay in human form and tend to go full wolf form (though, their mental state stays the same, they don't get more animalistic), and if they grow up in an unsafe or stressful environment before or during the age they're supposed to start transforming, that development is delayed, because they may feel like they're always unsafe no matter what.

Because Rev was born and grew up (still growing, he's 17 :3) in the Institute and learned at a young age that he should not trust or like these people (the staff members) as they hurt the rest of his family (the other subjects), this affects his ability to control his transformations, his body subconsciously stays in his fox form because it's not /safe/ here, this form is stronger, it's a defence mechanism.

But he's still /able/ to transform, It's a completely biological thing, and the staff in the Institute realise this at some point and start trying to get him to, but honestly he doesn't even think he can, so the staff try everything to get it out, and eventually medicating him works, they put him on something to calm him down and reduce his stress, anxiety, and panic attacks (also depression but I'm on the fence whether or not he has that, probably not but It's worth mentioning ig?), they work really well, increasing his serotonin levels, and though they make him pretty drowsy, it works! His body finally allows him to go into a human form! They cut his hair and fix him up a little (because c'mon, not having your hair cut ONCE for 17 years? It's going to be really friggin long, I can't have my boy walking around like that- nothing wrong with it, but it's just my personal preference for him) before going straight to testing, but they do have to stop at some point and send him to go have dinner and have some time in the subjects' communal room, where his friends are surprised to see him human, but probably don't care (other than being angry that the Institute is forcing this out)

So that's where we are in the story rn, the meds don't affect his personality but bro is gonna be sleepy for a pretty long time (these symptoms of drowsiness don't seem to go away, I did base the meds the Institute put him on on two real ones, but for my sake, the ones they're based on aren't the ones in the story).

I've posted this guy before I think, but for reference, here's him in his fox form :3 (but the second one is VERY old, so forgive me if it looks a little off)

[breesasofty]

Tuesday. June 18th, 2024.

Yesterday's batch was made stronger. I took 1/4 of my usual dose and I was completely out. I vanished, went somewhere else; the pain was still in that somewhere else mind/body state, but it was fogged.

I was so eager to have the relief I've been taking these past few days. I lost control completely. My body feels tired from the troubled sleep, and I have an excuse for going past my personal limits of indulgence. I feel like I'm abusing myself somehow, the way I went back to smoking weed without even taking baby steps. I can manage myself throughout the day, but I have to bat off from high every single night, knock myself off with serotonin, dopamine, CBD, THC. It's like taking a dreamless sleep potion, but I always dream.

Vivid, anxious dreams. My dreams bring back to me what I want to run away from. It feels like I'm forever being chased by the things (and the people) that I want to leave behind. And this thing about feeling energies (the quintessence of understanding one's single note of smeared colors by a brush, resulting in something entirely unique; how one usually vibes [vibrates, their own signature frequency, a blueprint]) and having that note played in my dreams, right before the eye of the mind, the stage on my view... could be simply described as bothersome.

All the work I do during the day, keeping the right things fueling my brain, nourishing my soul, are ripped apart in destruction every night when I both-handedly give away any control of my being. I am reset every night from my own patterns of thinking, my own struggle to keep myself on the path I want to take. When giving it away (the weight of all my responsibilities, which lately have been crushing me impiedosamente), I feel momentarily freed. In exchange, I get a breath of fresh air to keep fighting the following day. All daytime is a battle; and during the night, I drop to my knees and feel sagged down by the heaviness of everything.

It's like I'm given a limited amount of oxygen, so I have to keep coming back if I need more. It feels like I've forgotten how to emotionally recharge on my own. Before all that ordeal which I'm still sorting through, I had a guess I might have C-PTSD. Not to self-diagnose, despite knowing myself very well and majoring in these exact matters, having also been in therapy for almost a decade (not in sight of being discharged this time [let's take a laugh, shall we? It is indeed rather funny, the tragicomedy!]), but there's no way I wouldn't develop C-PTSD after such a troubled life. Oh, but once again, I have to thank my mind. I would've entirely succumbed to life if I hadn't been blessed with this brain of mine.

Knowledge is my solace and developing is my fuel. As it should be, I also have this requirement for anyone who's near me. I'd be dead by a bore after being sat with the ones satisfied with what they have, not progressing in their plans (what makes one self-satisfied? No, better! For how low will one settle?). But I also wonder sometimes if I'll ever be able to reach all I deem myself capable of reaching before my head explodes and then boom, game over. I can't say it'd be a complete surprise on the turning of events ruled by the universe and destiny if that happened. Now, more than ever, I know it's inescapable, not to face it when time decides that it's due and ends itself, taking whatever it may take. (These 'whatever' most times actually cost a lot).

I feel disconnected from myself and from my surroundings. I know it's a mechanism to protect myself from all the scary changes that have been happening, non-stop (I hate changes, have I mentioned that before?).

I don't really know what the future holds. I have myself and some money, but I feel alone in the world. Future steps are blank slates; the route that I've planned has been crushed. I feel defeated, but I'm still trying. I have been maimed and hurt, but I keep fighting.

[klm-zoflorr]

I mean i think i get the joke somewhat but also. Serotonin in reality controls so much of our system its not even funny. Like. What allows you to move to digest what makes you an animal what gives you emotions and pain what makes your brain work any concept of a "soul" is ALL serotonin. It's like saying "people these days are using "energy" to describe how everything works like we used to with religion urh urh urh what a bunch of idiots am i right" like yes you have a point serotonin's functionnment is so much more complex than just the fluid that makes happy and we can't really control it or understand how it works yet but also. This shit's literal magic and making your world function.

is it just me or does the way people treat like "dopamine" and "serotonin" in modern pop psych context read exactly like balancing the humors