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wichols · 4 years ago

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My Feelings On Father’s Day

Father’s Day has always felt weird for me and let me tell you why. This is an extremely open conversation about my personal feelings on Father’s Day. I can imagine that there are others on this platform that feel similar. I want you to know that you are loved and no matter your relationship/or lack of a relationship with a parental figure does not change the validity of your feelings. Life is messy and complicated and something that I have learned is to embrace the mess and understand why I do the things I do. Hopefully by the end of this post we can understand a little bit better about the struggles some of us have on days like Mother’s/Father’s Day. I will be mentioning some things that might be triggering to some so if you are triggered by mentions of childhood trauma or discussions of dysfunctional families please go ahead and keep scrolling for your own mental health. My parents divorced when I was young, like really young. I was about 3. Now I know what you are thinking “Wichols? You were so young you wouldn’t remember anything from that time.” Let me tell you, because it happened so young it shaped and push my dominant personality qualities that I have to this day. I am an empath (ENFP). I am swayed by the feelings of those around me. I was told that most of my childhood during that time was spent crying. Why? Because the household I was living in was unsettled. I still have coping mechanisms that I still use today. I surround myself with blankets when I feel emotionally compromised among other my personal things that I do to self soothe. I cry, a lot. Like if I am not settled somewhere between a 4-6 with my emotions then I am crying. If I am happy I cry. If I am sad I cry. I just cry, it helps. Sometimes I induce crying just so I can feel better. After many situations between myself and my bio dad our relationship is forever fractured. It has been about 5 years since I have actually spoken to him. Our love languages are different and because of the toxic history between us, I think we have mutually decided that not pursuing a relationship with each other is for the best. Let’s add another layer of complexities. My mom dated someone for a while and they one thing that came from that relationship was the fact that, that person abused my mom and took advantage of the situation. Another male figure that was supposed to be positive turned out to be toxic. Another layer shall we? (Trigger Warning: Molestation) Shortly after the breakup we moved into a smaller place and as I recall what few memories I have at that time it was not long before we moved again. My mother remarried again and we moved to a new city. The new guy seemed like a nice person and he even had two children that would stay with us. This marriage lasted about 3-4 years. Living in that time his leaving seemed abrupt but looking back the reasons were clear. He was running away because he was trying to hide from the fact that he had used me for his own pleasures. I remember one distinct time that something happened but everything else around that time his disappeared from my memories. Because I was still so young (they were married between the end of 2nd grade year to about 4th grade) I didn’t understand what was actually happening. We became homeless for a while and eventually we moved into an old house. It wasn’t till about 5th grade that I had told my mom what happened but by that time it was too late to press charges. Now I live everyday remembering almost nothing from my childhood because of this event. I have giant dark areas in my memories because my brain has blocked out everything surrounding each time of trauma. My Wedding Day Let me give you a little peak into the different dynamics between my bio dad and my step dad. And the perfect way to describe this is through the Father/Daughter Dance. Because of the complicated relationships with mine and my husband’s families we decided to combine the Father/Daughter and Mother/Son. One song for all. Now, my mother walked me down the isle and I felt like it was only right to keep this piece of wedding tradition in. My relationship with my bio dad had been okay at this point so I decided that I would honor him with this dance. But I also felt like my step father deserved some time with me during this time. So I split up the dance between them. I would dance with my bio dad the first half and then surprise my step dad and ask him to dance. The dance with my bio dad made me kind of mad if I am honest. He made it about himself. I know the things he was doing were from a good place but it was actually really hurtful. I have pictures of my dance with him where I am crying. From an outsider’s perspective it would seem that our relationship is close but when I look back at that dance I am bitter. I’m bitter because he claimed that he was losing his baby girl. But not two years prior he ended a phone call with me where he said, “If you want to communicate with me further you will have to be the one to call because I will not be.” He had made it clear in that call that he no longer wanted to put forth effort and that in defending himself he pounded in the idea that I was going to have to be the adult in that situation. So for me to hear the words he said on my wedding day compared to the words that I held in my heart were conflicting. Now to my step dad. Once I got into college our relationship balanced out and we really started getting close to each other. A couple months ago I had a Facebook memory pop up with I shouted him out for sitting and watching a chick flick with me while I was home. We have a pretty playful relationship and I have really come to care for him. Now I don’t always know what to call him I know that I am attached to him (sometimes I call him step dad, his actual name, or dad). He was surprised when I sent my bio dad and walked over to ask him to dance with me. And I loved that dance with him! We laughed, and dipped, and smiled the whole time. And I have pictures of his dumb face smiling from ear to ear while we danced. I look back at them and laugh. Two very different people with two different reactions. I have had other people throughout my life that I have placed upon the pedestal of fatherly figures and I am forever grateful to those who stepped up. Older male relationships are hard for me to navigate. I am a midwest gal at heart so we don’t want to offend or exclude anyone ever and coupled with my own personality quirks it makes it 100% more complicated navigating how to express the appropriate feelings on days such as today. Add social media pressures and current events into the mix and it leaves me crippled. So today I will be filled with anxiety and swirling thoughts of the past. I will wrap myself up with blankets and practice any form of escapism to ease the weighty burden of expectations. Today is not a fun day. Today is a reminder of all the broken things that have happened. Today’s expectations will cripple me emotionally. But today I will also try my best to be gentle with myself. I will try to understand my feelings better. I will allow myself to feel something. Whatever the status of your relationship with your father figures in your life just know that you are not alone with navigating difficult relationships. Appreciate the positive moments and do what you can. You are seen and you are valued. You cannot make everyone happy. But what you can do is show love to those who have shown you love. TL:DR- Father’s day is complicated when you have emotional baggage. Just know that you are not alone with your struggles. You are not less of a person because of the status of your parent’s relationship with each other. But Happy Father’s Day to those who have stepped up. It takes a special person to love another child like their own.

#person post #father's day

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