#wayyyyyy too many red flags.

[archaeopterxyz]

bro.

[monolid-monologues]

I am my worst critic and chief caretaker. I am independent. Hear me roar.

#7.

I'm late to rehearsal. Again. 20 min. 30 min. An hour even. The usual.. I'm playing "how late can i REALLY be?" Exactly how late is too late when there's no one else waiting? Oh pfffT WELL "Let's PUSH IT." .... Am having a hard time distinguishing Doing Myself a Favor and Doing Myself an Injustice. How much does "being late" matter when i'm the only one concerned? There is a special strain of STRICT i am missing. It's not right to be late to your own thing. Your thing you're doing for you. That thing no one asked for. The thing you're only doing because you want to. Yes, the hand back there. Yes? Says an itchy scratchy little PIPSQUEAK voice in the back: what if i'm simply embracing the rare freedom my solitude allows? Is that steaming hot bullshit? What if i mean it?

In solitude, we come into our independence. After a history of frequent solitude, we may like it. And then we need it. Having experienced the self-healing wonders of independence, we more than need it, we celebrate it. A prized possession. Non-negotiable. We earned it. We dug it up. We nurtured it. It is both impressively healed scar and shiny trophy. A shiny, impressive trophy-shaped scar. Our independence endows the superpower ability to Feel Alone and Feel Happy at the same time. All the "finding yourself" "being with yourself" you've been doing, whether you know you're doing it or not, all that work thus far, is worth it when you get to remember, and really believe: You are Enough. Our independence protects us. What's the armor for? I wonder what we're afraid of.

I'm afraid

dependence is burdensome. on everyone. On you, who I need. On me, whose self, from needing you, is lacking. I'm afraid dependence is high risk. unseemly. unnecessary. "I depend on you!"  -- Can you imagine saying that to your friend? Best friend. Family member. Doesn't it ring a lil freaky? For a lot of us, it's so much easier to say "You can depend on me." (I'm not lacking, but it's okay if you are.) That'll slip right off the tongue. Even if you're not actually up to it.

So what if i'm late to my own rehearsal. I don't need to explain myself to anyone. I do not prefer working alone. yet here i am. Mostly because i moved back to LA with no collaborators to call. So here i am. Maybe i may as well relish the tiny privilege of getting to show up whenever the H i feel like it.

Independence. Free of attachments. Impervious to the consequences of our spinning world. Minimizing hurt. An efficient social strategy. Also independence: not having to explain yourself, to anyone. But, if that starts to become you couldn't explain yourself, even if you should? If that starts to become: I'd rather not connect, because, i'm fine as is. I'm independent. ? If a great perk of independence is reporting to no one.... a grave danger must be losing the musculature for it. Or even, just, forgetting its value. I know these weekly blog entries are good for me. By reporting to myself, to you, to Whatever Something outside of myself, I'm flexing my expressive muscles. I'm willfully practicing my desire to Connect. And to stay in Touch. I'm engaging my reflection. And staring it down. I'm accounting for myself. I value being in touch. I survive by being in touch. With myself. And with others in the world.

thank you for being here. I CAN’T LIE. Being late to my #partyof1 rehearsals is A RED FLAG. It's happening too easily, too much. Up until now, I've been telling myself: it's fine, you adjust, you're doing good work in spite of it, so that's good. It's good. I'm fine. I don't need to answer to anyone. Just myself. As in: if i can rationalize it to myself, that's all that matters. I wonder. About all the times in my personal life i decided i couldn't be bothered to push past my walls and reach out with my perspective. To explain myself. To account for my feelings with them. All the times i decided they don't need to know. at least i know. In other words, i don't want to answer to you. I answer to no one.

Once upon a time, there was a little toenail. 

It kept getting hit, in this one spot, and it waited, until something was more wrong and more painful than just getting hit in that one spot. The habitual inability to give what is hard for you to give -- ingrown baggage. It's gonna hurt and when it does it'll be too late. Maybe a good fortuitous YANK will help? and you just pray there's no infection?

12 rehearsals clocked.

It should've been 13. Number 11 was last Monday. Number "12" was supposed to be last Thursday. I didn't make it. I didn't go. i'm too tired. (I miss rehearsal for the first time......) So "12" happens the following Saturday. For the first time in rehearsal, on Monday i am so tired i can't work like i've been. No intensive, lengthy warm-up. No meticulous loosening of all my joints. No ungodly long duration of just-for-shits movement exploration. I'm so tired. I just got back from Davis, 6 hours up and 6 hours back so maybe that had something to do with it lol. YES. Going from a 6 hour drive to an 8 hour work day to the gym then to rehearsal WOULD tire a girl out. Even so, i can't afford to be tired in rehearsal. With only about 20 hours a month to work on my show, it's critical I have energy for it. Interestingly enough, in pushing through the exhaustion, i felt some surprising developments in the work. I slowed wayyyyyy down. IT DID SOMETHING. Forget pushing through the text to cover as much ground, as many pages, as possible. I let myself sit, in silence, in discomfort, in suspense. I resist turning the page. resist moving on. stay where you are. go back. collect yourself. begin again. Tiny surprises emerge from beginning again. Takes me 2 hours to rehearse 4 pages. It's actually somehow MORE taxing, but something's working, and it fuels me through. Slowly, and again. And again. and again. The same four pages. My play feels strange. Every line sounds weird. I feel unfamiliar.

Be true to who you are. Be your own person. 

And if this person flaked on their own rehearsal Thursday? Note to self: Take what you feel. And move it.

I resist "erasing" my mistakes.

In rehearsal, sometimes there's a pressure to perform as if if it were the final product. To make it a better "final product" moment with every iteration. I told this pressure to suck my tired ass. *high five* There lives an odd and quite bewildering mission to produce - in rehearsal - the moment i wish to see in performance. It's tempting. You want to see your show advance its "performance-ready shape" every day, every new rehearsal. Directors may desire to see their actors improve as if the journey of an actor's body is like the trajectory of climbing up some stairs. Upward. Diagonal. Linear. To use rehearsal to try to predict the final performance, rather than to explore its possibilities, seems a shame. seems counter-intuitive. This is what i gathered in my slow Monday rehearsal.

Yes, Rose, you are getting very tired from a lot of things.

It's going to impact your ability to rehearse. You are not a machine. You need rest. If you don't prioritize your rest when you need it, this is only the BEGINNING of your flakey potential. *Cue scare tactics....*

Fearing i'm not making the right choices.

Letting this fear co-opt me into believing there is such a thing as the right choice. I love myself for a lot of things right now. It doesn't stop me from being so hard on myself. I'm struggling to balance Discipline and Generosity, Instability and Patience. I know there's a harmony somewhere. Maybe i've had so many washed up ideas and failed projects and unsuccessful days that i dreamed up over the past twenty three years, that i just can't stand it anymore. Too many balls i dropped. Too many rain checks i never cleared. Too many days i've scheduled for myself that never did manifest. Too many mornings i don't wake up as early as i planned. Too many of my OWN rehearsals i've been late to. Too many of my OWN appointments i've failed to show up for. Too much I've let slip through my fingers in the name of "Because i can." or "I don't have to." 

Need you.  Love, Me.

* * *

i’ve committed to being vulnerable in writing every week. if u want it straight shot to your inbox: https://tinyletter.com/rose-artrat

previous letter:  #6.) TMI meets TMO (recovering from a broken heart)

for random thoughts, random questions //

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[ofteasandherbs]

Gotta be honest, your response about shipping aro/ace characters really rings of purity culture to me. The statement that this fic, this ship is morally wrong; it isn't enough that it's tagged appropriately, that it says "dead dove, do not eat." It is BAD and therefore should not exist.

This kind of attitude is stifling for writers of aro/ace characters. It says that aro/ace must be one thing all the time, and that deviating revokes that identity. And that attitude is harmful to actual aro/ace people.

Fandom is the realm of fantasy. Aro/ace people can fantasize about sex. We can fantasize about relationships. We can experiment. We can change. I would rather read fics where Cad is an actual character with depth and struggles and nuance, and it gets shippy or steamy or porny, than all these fics where Cad is this stagnant caricature who just makes tea. It's not either/or, many people out there are writing really good, complex aro/ace stuff. My point is, are fics where Cad's personality and agency are stripped really any better than ones that modify his sexuality and romantic identity? Why is one permissible and the other not?

Fans are not the ones in charge of aro/ace representation. They are singular people trying to make light in a dark world. And sometimes, that is squick to me. But I don't have to engage with it.

If someone says that Caduceus shouldn't be aro/ace, or that aro/ace identities aren't real or valid, I'll be right there fighting it with you, shoulder to shoulder. But fandom has got to be a place of live and let live. Otherwise, it dies.

Sorry to do this anonymously. It hits a little too close to home for me. And maybe if I saw the specific thing you're referencing, I'd feel the same way you do. I just think it's a slippery slope.

Love your art, love your blog.

Okay, let me be rambly here sorry if I don’t hit all the points, it’s been a bit of day. Also thank you much for the compliment, I hope this long ramble helps clear up stuff…

So I’m not trying to ring that purity culture at all! Really I think people should feel free to explore aroace identities in their fullest potential! Where that post came from was from a friend who got attack basically for an hour on discord for asking that characters canon identities be kept like they are. It wasn’t a fic, or anything like that, if that was the question(??? Aaa I hope I’m sayin this right)

Cad is an interesting character and I agree! I wish people would in fact explore him in fics and not just have him as a tea/therapy bot. But I hope writers and people get that you can do that while still keeping a very important part of their identity true! To the extent of wrtiting an aroace character in a relationship, it needs to be handled with care. There are a lot of aros and aces and aroaces in relationships! And that’s fine! But to some, it’s triggering to have a character that is seen as specifically aroace in canon and has shown no interest in romantic or sexual relationships to then have that erased for a ship/fic/art if you get me?

Aroace identities are important to those who are in that community and when we get a character that is so different from the usual rep it’s a cause for celebration! Cad is filled with so much love as a personality trait and it’s amazing!! It shows that love doesn’t need to be romantic always! It shows that there are aces who are not cold hearted. But to see people still want to put him in relationships (especially sexual ones) without explaining, say, that it’s a queer platonic relationship, it becomes a bit of a big ole red flag. Cause at that point, we don’t know if that work was made with the best of intentions, ie keeping true to a canon identity.

It’s a bit like wayyyyyy back when people shipped beau and molly as a romantic and sexual relationship. That seems odd right? As molly is genderfluid but mainly identifies as male and Beau is a lesbian. We don’t want to erase her identity all for a ship someone finds might result in a deeper analysis of their character.

To end this long ramble, and hopefully it has helped to see why I was pissed, yes I want to see cad get explored. But I don’t want it at the expense of his identity getting erased. Not when there are many alternatives already out there to do so. Not when it causes harm to the aroaces who get triggered when their character they identify with gets their identity ignored, much like they do in real life. Fandom should be a place for them to escape to as well.