#way too introverted to end up stuck as THE YOUNGEST COUSIN

[toastspirit]

shoutout to my 999999999 family members for leaving me completely unsure of what diseases run in this family but refusing to tell me as I watch them suffer -_-

Do I care about which of my family members are related to me in any other context? Nah tbh I hate most of them. My cousins are on thin ice. But I straight up do not know my family medical history and MOST OF THESE FUCKS ARE STILL ALIVE?????? WHY AM I RELYING ON MY MEMORY FOR THIS.

[tsuinhimiki]

I think people sometimes underestimate when I say that crazy runs in my family, particularly the women on my mom's side. So I'm gonna make a list of specific instances that I know about.

My great-aunt Kathryn, who is one person I'm named after and also my former godmother, has been institutionalized several times for suicidal tendencies. She also suddenly dropped all communication without warning, to the point she wouldn't even acknowledge me the last time I saw her at a family member's funeral. Bear in mind, this is someone who previously would send large packages to my brother and I for literally every holiday and our birthdays.

I'm not sure which one, but one of my other great-aunts got her own mother, who is also the other source of my name, drugged up on pain medication and got her to sign away the deed to her house so she could sell it. My great-grandmother's only wish was to die in her own home, but instead she was passed around through several nursing homes, being abused and neglected in some of them, while her beautiful house on the shore of Chesapeake Bay was destroyed.

My great-aunt Juanita lives in an assisted living community, but honestly she really should be under 24-hour care. She doesn't bathe, preferring to mask the horrible stench with overpowering perfume that only makes her smell worse. She also got stuck on her toilet for three days before anyone came in to help her. The reason it took three days is because although she has one of the Life Alert pendant things, she never has it on her, but rather leaves it in her bedroom.

I honestly could write an essay about my grandmother, because she is one of the ones of whom I have the most knowledge/experience. Most relevant to my life is the fact that she is very prone to favoritism, and I’m not exactly one of her favorites. Besides myself, she has four other grandchildren: my older brother Jacob, my cousin Nicole (daughter of my aunt Dawn), and my cousins Sara and Cathleen (daughters of my uncle Chuck). I am the youngest among them. The only two that really ever got any kind of affectionate attention were the Jacob and Nicole, who are the two oldest. An example: one Christmas she gave both of them brand new tvs, while I got three pairs of socks. She’s criticized the way I look for as long as I can remember (particularly my hair, which she calls “stringy-looking”). One summer I spent part of my break from school at my grandparents’ house in Florida, and while I was there she took me to get a perm in my hair despite me being adamant I didn’t want it (I had had one previously and absolutely hated it). The last time I talked to her, she almost ruined my brother’s wedding for me because she made such an ass of herself about Steve sitting with me (and thus her) at the table reserved for Jacob’s family. My dad also ended up sitting at another table because she was complaining that he shouldn’t sit with us because he’s not technically related to Jacob (since we’re half-siblings). And the very first thing she said to me that day, before even saying hello, was to bitch about my young children making so much noise during the wedding. The best part of this is knowing the simple reason WHY she doesn’t like me: I’m an introvert. She has complained to my mother that I don’t call her just to talk or anything. And my mother even countered her by explaining that I don’t call anyone.

And my mother goes on this list too. We have a pretty complicated relationship, basically because she’s been emotionally abusive to me for my entire life. Growing up, nothing I did was ever good enough for her, to the point that I just stopped trying altogether, which came with the additional bonus of getting labeled as lazy. To this day I still have a weird complex about doing chores when people are around because of her, which usually results in me doing dishes and laundry at 3am on a regular basis since I can be pretty sure that everyone is asleep at that time. It also translated into schoolwork. When I got my first ever B in middle school, it was as if the world was ending. She also is a master of gaslighting and manipulation. Just a few weeks ago, she was making plans to go out on a Saturday, but I reminded her (as I had earlier in the week, as well as several other times) that both Steve and I had to work that night and needed her to watch the kids. She insisted that we had never said anything about it. She manipulated me into going to college not once, but three times. The first time was right out of high school (”You’ll never go if you don’t go now!”), then again the next semester (I had dropped all my classes due to a bad bout with depression, since I was basically directionless. “You’re on medication now and you should be able to manage yourself!”), and then again after I had taken a year off and was working (”If you don’t go back soon, you’ll never go back!”). For the most part, she knows that I’m the type of person that likes to please others, so she uses that against me whenever she wants something from me.

So yea, this is the kinds of issues that tend to run in my family. In particular, the dealing with my mother is part of why I always used to say I never wanted kids. Even now, one of my biggest fears is that I will turn out like any of these women.