#waverposting maximum...

[lordelmelloi2]

Im a little buzzed right now but its time for another . thought process. (these posts are ok to likeand interact with btw)

When I think about Waver and I think about how alone he is and how that leaves him feeling, and how he hates himself, and how he feels unloved, unsupported, I get this feeling that swells up in my whole body and soul and swallows me. this feeling of anger, and sadness, and I get this strong sense of like. I have to do something.

I see so much of myself in him. the choices he makes. the way he’s felt alone for so long. the way he feels he can’t truly tell anybody about what went on, can only speak in vague terms, can’t truly open up, has nobody to speak to. Can only brush aside his pain. the only person who knows all of his pain as well as he does is him alone. and it’s just that, it’s just him steeping in his loneliness, and yet it’s him choosing to take in students and care for them and care about them. 

there’s a lot of talk about “saving” or “being saved” in Case Files. 

I don’t know if anybody else feels this way, but when you’ve had a lifetime lack of substantial emotional support, it feels, often, like you wish somebody would save you. 

You wish that somebody would come by and support you, and stay by your side, and never leave. You wish that somebody would let you lean on their shoulder so you could weep. You wish that somebody would tell you that you’re more than any of the pain you’ve felt. You start to get desperate. As you feel less and less understood by anybody because of the uniqueness of your circumstances, you start to sink deeper into that desire. “I want to be saved. I want to be saved. I want to be saved, I want somebody to be by my side, I want this. I need this. I want to be supported. I want to be saved. I want to be loved by somebody. It isn’t just anybody, it just has to be somebody who truly, genuinely cares about me. Am I not worthy of genuine love and affection? I want to be saved. Maybe I’m not worthy. Aah, that must be it, I’m not worthy, and I never will be. I want to be saved.” 

It’s different than the desperation of “anybody will do”. It is. Because you already know at this point what real, genuine care looks like. You know what it’s like to have been emotionally supported once. You’ve tasted it. And lacking it again, you feel like you’re drowning in your own sorrow. 

When I see Waver, in his solitude, looking at that mantle, with a complicated expression, when I see him saying he’s merely a survivor of the war, when he calls himself powerless. When he dissociates. 

I feel myself suddenly welling up with tears. This for some reason happens more often when I’m hormonal (like now) but it honest to god makes me start sobbing sometimes. 

I see so much of myself in him that it’s painful. Through him I’ve learned that we both need support. That we need support, and we need it badly. We need affirmation. We need to know who we are as ourselves. I am Rose. He is Waver Velvet. I know what makes up everything that is the person that is Rose, now. But he doesn’t know himself yet. He has ... the pieces lined up in front of him. He’s getting there. He is. 

He is, and I think watching him struggle to understand who he is as Waver Velvet reminds me so much of how difficult it was to figure out who I was, too. 

Especially through the lack of support. Especially through the lack of affirmation, especially through the dissociation.

When I see him, I suddenly want to start screaming in anger at the entire world. Why did you let us go for so long alone? What grand sin did we commit to deserve this, being alone and unsupported for this long? 

Reflecting back on that, on my anger, I am struck with the same feeling that made me start mentoring in the first place. I have to do something. 

I had the power to make a difference simply by being there. This was something I understood decently at this point. So for those who were in similar situations to myself as a teen, I stood by their sides and watched them grow. I wanted to make sure that even if anything bad happened to them that they weren’t alone. I did this because I felt like I had to do something. I had to support them. I had to make sure they weren’t alone. I feel the same boiling rage at my own circumstances at the very idea of them being alone and unsupported. 

I just felt like I never ever wanted to see somebody going through what I went through alone ever again. 

When I see Waver, I feel the exact same way, only this time, it’s somebody who is more of ‘me’ than anybody else. Somebody who understands the same reason why I started mentoring. Somebody who is “just trying to be an acceptable person”. And then I see him alone, suffering, and I just think. Why isn’t anybody doing anything? I have to do something. I have to be there. I have to support him. 

What does it mean to save somebody? 

In Case Files, Gray tells Waver that he saved her. He left an incredible mark on her life, changing it for the better. Being by her side and teaching her and guiding her. Getting her out of her hometown. Even if he feels he’s powerless, he was by her side and supported her. Even if he could not physically protect her, he was able to save her. 

Then let’s be loose with that definition. If you can save somebody by being by their side. Simply supporting them and caring about them genuinely, unconditionally, and loving them, then that’s a form of salvation. 

I want to save him, because if I didn’t, it would mean not saving myself. 

Waver’s stubbornness is the same as mine. His poor, bitter attitude is the same. His sense of internal helplessness. Saving others but feeling that you’re not worthy of being saved. Not being able to turn a blind eye to anyone’s suffering but your own. 

I’m simply a few steps ahead of him in terms of recovery. Whether he exists or not doesn’t matter, because I found a form of salvation in him. Being able to see what I was going through reflected back at me. That was more than enough. I didn’t feel so alone anymore. Because of him, I figured some things out that I seriously needed to understand to move forward. I would’ve never understood it if I didn’t have him to reference back at me. 

I feel genuinely pained, because in seeing him, I realized I deserved the same salvation that I wanted for him so badly. If our circumstances are the same, and I want to see him supported, then I needed it, too. I want to do something. I have to do something. I have to save him, because if I don’t, it would be the same as not saving myself. I need to do something. I need to support him. I can’t let the world treat him this way anymore. 

It drives me to tears sometimes. I start feeling like I have to be there for him, literally, by his side, being able to hold him, being able to hold myself. Being able to hold the pieces of him that are me that are lost and want and need support[salvation] so desperately and don’t know what to do without it. Holding him is the same as holding myself and saying that it’s going to be okay, that I’ve got you, that I’m not going to let you go. I’m not going to let you suffer anymore alone. You can share the weight with me. 

Part of that is also why I’m a little desperate for him to forgive his younger self. But that’s something I’ve already elaborated on a few times.  

When I see him, alone, I feel frustrated that I can’t do anything for him directly. So I make myself fictional and directly translate it over. Maybe not the one that’s in Case Files. But the one that I’ve known in my heart, knowing his experiences, knowing what he’s said, why he’s said it, what he’s doing, and telling him. I’m right here. Please stay grounded with me. I’m right here. I won’t leave your side. I promise. I won’t leave you alone. I’ll ground you. You’re allowed to just be Waver Velvet with me. I don’t need you to be any more or less of who or what you are. It’s okay. I’ve got you.