#watching myself get crazier every year and further from being able to connect with people who didn't get told they were a prophet as a kid

[shinesurge]

sorry i am Strugglin over here i think i blew all my positive brain chemicals beating myself against the bars of Normal Human Communication this week lmao

[mysongfortheasking]

So This is the New Year

I’ve tried to make “resolutions” more than once in my life. I never stick to them. “This year, I’ll work out at least three days a week.” And by April, I was losing money to the gym membership I never used. “This year, I’m going to be a vegetarian.” That lasted a whole three months, until I gave into the temptation that spinach and mozzarella stuffed chicken provided. “I’m going to go to bed much earlier this year.” As soon as my next college semester began, I was back to thinking that being in bed by 12:30am was an accomplishment. “Punctuality is a goal: I’m going to be fifteen minutes early to everything I ever go to this year.” Well…I at least managed to screech in right on time.

After countless failed resolutions, I decided the best thing for me to do was to instead take time to reflect on the previous year, and see what I had experienced, what those experiences taught me, and how I could carry those lessons into the coming year. So around this time every year, I sit back, think on the previous 12 months, and write about how I have changed, what I have learned, and how I will move forward. (For some weird reason, I am missing 2017, but if you want, you can read my post from January 2016 here.) So without further ado, here are my 2017 reflections:

2017 was a big year for me. I finished my Bachelor’s. I started graduate school. I moved back home, then moved into an apartment. I started a new job in a work atmosphere I had zero experience in (which was retail, if you’re wondering). There were lots of big transitions and changes in these last 12 months. And sometimes, in those times, I found myself frustrated and stressed beyond belief. But stress comes with any type of change and transition (whether it be a good or bad one), and moving on is a natural part of life. So although 2017 was a tough year for me, it was a good one.

In the midst of all these huge adjustments, I learned a lot about myself. One major thing I learned about is the value of self-care (which I posted about in greater depth a few months ago--click here to read it). But perhaps the most important lesson I learned in 2017 is one that goes hand in hand with the idea of self-care, but is a bit deeper and a lot scarier. This last year, I learned the value of vulnerability. 

I was the type of person who never wanted to ask anyone for help. I thought asking for help meant I was weak or broken. During some of the crazier moments of 2017, I started attending a church I found and fell in love with. At first, I would go to service, partake in the routines and rituals, and leave. A lot of times, I would go eat lunch alone, drive back home, and binge watch Law and Order for the rest of the day. Although the church itself brought me a lot of peace, I knew there had to be something more. But something inside me was afraid. Afraid that if I got too close to these strangers, someone might take advantage of me or not care or judge me.

At some point in time, I realized I was in desperate need of genuine human connection. So I joined what is called a “Life group” (which is just a churchy term for a small group of people who get together once a week). I was really hesitant at first, because I didn’t want to join a “Bible study” group or some type of “mini-church.” Others had asked me to join “life groups” in the past, and I always said I was “too busy,” or “too tired,” or would attend one for a while and then slowly fade away. I had a thousand different excuses and reasons for isolating myself, but it all came down to being afraid. I eventually decided to ignore my past failures and join one anyway. I told myself if I didn’t like it, I would just quit going. The truth was, I desperately wanted to belong. I don’t think I even knew it then, but I just wanted authenticity. I wanted to be a person with other people.

I ended up joining a group that started as a “dinner group.” Once a week, we went to a member’s home, and had dinner. There wasn’t a lot of religious talk or Bible reading or prayer. It was just a bunch of people getting to know each other. And (somewhat to my surprise), I loved it.

Our group then evolved into what we call “The Tribe.” It was through The Tribe that I discovered Brene Brown and her TedTalk on vulnerability. In it, she says:

“What we are doing with vulnerability. Why do we struggle with it so much? Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability? No... We live in a vulnerable world. And one of the ways we deal with it is [to] numb vulnerability...The problem is that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can't say, here's the bad stuff. Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment. I don't want to feel these. You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then, we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we [numb those feelings] And it becomes this dangerous cycle...

But there's another way...This is what I have found: To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen, to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee...to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, ‘Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?’ Just to be able to stop and...say, ‘I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive.’ And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, ‘I'm enough,’ then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.”

(I know that’s a lengthy quote, but the entire talk is beyond amazing. Do yourself a favor and watch the whole thing here.)

I watched that video because some Tribe members suggested it. And as I watched it, I broke and cried alone in my car. Because that was me. I was the queen of numbing feelings, of hiding behind myself, of going through the cycle over and over. I decided that I would try and be more open and vulnerable with others. And then the opportunity arose.

Once a month, The Tribe has “story night.” At Story Night, we gather around a fire in the back yard, and two people share the story of their life. Not necessarily every single detail from birth to the present, but rather, a story of how they struggled through something and overcame. And in the month of December, my turn for story night came around.

I knew an entire month ahead of time I would be sharing. And for four weeks, I struggled with what I should tell. I had stories that I “didn’t mind sharing,” things that almost everyone knew, things I could say, “Hey look, I overcame this.” But there was something so unsatisfactory about that. It felt like I was taking the easy way out. Because I had a story in me that I had never shared before, that no one outside of myself (and my therapist) truly knew the whole of. And even though I was terrified, I knew it needed to be told.

The night of “Story Night” finally came. I (somewhat intentionally) went last (taking as much time to procrastinate telling my story as I possibly could). Public speaking never scares me (in fact, I’m one of those people who loves it), but when my time came to speak, I was literally shaking. I had brought my guitar, so I sang two songs, the whole time thinking to myself, It’s not too late to change your mind and tell something easier. But when I finished playing and began talking, I forced myself to share my story. Because despite the fear running through me, I knew it needed to be shared.

At the end of it all, I said, “So that’s it. I feel like we should share stories where we truly overcame and won, and maybe this isn’t a story like that. Because, to be honest, I'm still dealing with all of this. It still hurts. It still makes me hate myself a little bit. But I’m working through it, and I’ve gotten better, and someday I’ll be able to say that I truly got over it and came out on top.”

In that moment, one of the fellow Tribe members spoke up and told me, “You say that, but as I listened to you play and sing and then share your story, there was so much strength. When you played, I knew whatever you were going to share would be amazing. And it was. And you say that you haven’t overcame, but by sharing this and sharing yourself, I think you’re already there.”

I broke. The support and love I felt that night was unreal. Afterwards, more than one person came to me and encouraged me. One girl approached me and said, “I am going through the exact thing you talked about, and your story helped me realize I’m not alone.”

It was that night that everything became real to me. Vulnerability became more than a word. It became more than “a good TedTalk topic.” It became more than something I heard people say they had. That night, it became a part of me. I grew stronger than ever. I knew that night that I wasn’t alone. That being open and honest wasn’t wrong or weak. That night, I truly grasped that being vulnerable is one of the strongest things we can do.

All of this is not brag about myself and say, “Look at what I did.” This is in no way saying I have reached some ultimate goal. In fact, I’m positive this is something that I will probably continue to grow in for the rest of my life. But that night, sharing my story was a huge leap of blind faith and trust for me. Faith and trust in the people around me. Faith and trust that they would see me as a fellow human among other humans. Faith and trust that they would still welcome me with open arms and say, “You are one of us.” It was truly a risk. But it was a risk well worth it.

I don’t do “resolutions,” but going through all of that in 2017 made me realize that I can actually be a better person for others around me when I recognize and am honest about my own faults and flaws. Asking for help makes me a better friend to others when they need the same. So in 2018, I will continue moving forward in openness and vulnerability. In being human with other humans. I am by no means perfect. Neither is anyone else. So instead of pretending like I am, I have learned that it’s much stronger of me to simply recognize my imperfections and turn my weaknesses into strengths the best way possible: by becoming genuinely connected with others around me through our own humanity. And that lesson isn’t something I should only apply in 2018. it is something I will continue to strive for and carry on for the rest of my life.

[gospellee]

An Expert’s Guide To The Friend Zone & How To Avoid It

February is known first for Valentine’s Day, and second for the other lesser known, but widely understood holiday, “Friend Zone Day.” This day typically happens on or after February 15th, when you find out the person that you like doesn't like you as much, or in the same way as you like them. Though it's highlighted more in this month of declaring and demonstrating love, the reality is FZD happens to countless people in the months of March to January. Every day, multitudes of people are being cast \-gracefully and mercilessly into the imaginary place where the pain and awkwardness are real. I consider myself an expert on this imaginary place for many reasons. First, my “loner” status in middle and high school positioned me well to learn the ins-and-outs of the zone. I had an 8-year awkward stage, which coincided perfectly with my teenage years. What it looked like was me being told to leave when I sat to eat lunch with the cool kids in middle school, transforming to me eating lunch most days by myself in high school. I know that’s super depressing, but I’m thankful I went through it because now, I’m able to reach out to those students with my example of how I turned into someone who is confident in who they are-awkwardness, flaws and all.  Another event I remember that qualifies me for expert status is the memory of having to ask a girl to ask me to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Further cementing my expertise was that the overwhelming majority of my teenage years are characterized by the constant dwelling in the friend zone. I lived there so long, I began to get mail there and eventually received my college acceptance letter and diploma there.  Just a couple of weeks ago, a guy moved onto my street who was interviewed by Michael Che of SNL. The experience was not wasted as I became proficiently familiar with the range of emotions central to the friend zone experience: discovery, delight, enchantment, captivation, mild obsession, awkwardness, courage, action, heightened euphoria, creativity, fear, courage, awkwardness, disappointment, questioning, despair, and sadness.

 Through my Friend Zone career, I’ve heard so many different reasons as to why I was being banished. "I'm not ready for a relationship," "My parents don't want me to date someone who doesn't look like I do," "I'm focusing on school," "You don't want to be with me," "I'm guarding my heart right now," and my all-time favorite "You are too much like a big brother, I don't want to ruin our friendship." All great reasons to not be in a relationship I'm sure. However, when you wait to state those intentions after the other party has communicated interest beyond friendship, and also, when you then soon after decide to date someone else, those reasons begin to look a little suspicious. BUT I digress. I'm grateful for being banished all those times because of two memorable episodes. What I gleaned from them changed my life. I’ve changed their names because I truly have no hard feelings for these people and don’t judge them, as this is just where they were at the time.

LISA

 I first met Lisa in March of 2012 at the birthday party of a mutual friend. We happened to sit by each other that night and by the end of the night, I walked her to her car and left with her phone number. The rest of the month we talked every single night and text constantly each day. Through getting to know her, I realized she had a 4-year-old daughter from her previous marriage. I didn’t even care because I cared about her so much. I got to meet her daughter, probably mid to late March. Easter was in April that year because that was when we had our first kiss. I took her to dinner the night before and we stood in the parking lot talking until the sun came up. I was hesitant to do it because of all my prior experience, but I did it anyway. I liked her and she liked me, so what was there to think about? Needless to say, I was bright-eyed and cheery that Easter Sunday, even though I had gotten no sleep. I had just become official with the girl I liked. We sealed it with a kiss.

 I soon learned that sealing things with a kiss doesn't mean a rosy path ahead-just ask Jesus. Tuesday of that following week, I wanted to talk about what had happened that weekend because I was assuming we were official and wanted to confirm (used to be called “defining the relationship" or DTR in the old days). This is where I was hit with a barrage of red flags, but too blinded by infatuation and low self-esteem to see any of it coming. We were official, but she didn't want it to be on Facebook. Also, she didn't want to tell her parents. She was okay with me paying for her food and entertainment on dates and the kiss goodnight, but just didn't want anyone to know about it. The only thing crazier than that was, I TOTALLY WENT ALONG WITH IT AND UPPED MY GAME. I figured if I contributed more, or displayed more admiration for her in my actions, that we could transcend our “secret status” and become public. I remember I was chilling with my best friend waiting to watch some Marvel movie. She texts me in distress. I didn’t have a car, so I explained the situation to my friend and he let me use his car. I left the movies to go to her. She needed a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on and I was there. I consoled her, and after a quick peck went right back to the theater and made the showing. Her daughter's 5th birthday arrived, and I took off work, bought a plethora of toys, had them wrapped, had custom cupcakes made and happily marched down there to be a part of the big celebration.  This was all in addition to giving her rides to and from work, always making sure to have at least one flower to give her every time I saw her, and paying for our “secret dates.” I remember I had planned to go see one of my favorite bands at the Hollywood Bowl. I discovered she also liked said band and the concert was right around the time of her birthday, so I bought her a ticket and asked her to go. She consented (keep in mind the tickets were about 300 for nosebleed seats). She paid for the hotel rooms (we slept in separate rooms because I'm old fashioned like that) and I took care of gas and food. Towards the end of the trip, I had no money left and asked if she could chip in for gas. She LOST IT. Screaming and proceeding to have an EPIC meltdown. That was the last time I talked to her. Then a few months later, she texts me after seeing me at a local show saying how much she missed me, but then would take days to text back. Soon after, she didn’t text back at all.  

 LINDA

 Around late May of 2013, I met Linda through a mutual musician friend. Linda was also a phenomenal singer-songwriter and I quickly became a fan of her work. We lived in different states, so I reached out via Facebook messenger, and over the span of 6 weeks, hundreds of messages were exchanged between the two of us. We even got creative and would leave 15-45 second voice messages via Facebook. It was so much fun and so exciting to see the notification pop up and read/listen. Around the 7th week, I amassed all the courage I had to tell her I liked her via FB voice message. I waited for the longest 5 minutes EVER before seeing a voice reply. I clicked it to hear the shocking news that SHE LIKED ME BACK. Instantly I went to beyond cloud nine where we upgraded to SMS text, daily late-night phone calls, and Skype sessions. Things were awesome.  

 I distinctly remember the moment in our relationship when I felt that I had finally broken my apparent friend zone curse and this could be the real thing. I had a show opening for the biggest artist in my genre. It was at a theme park and there were over 7,000 people there to see him and we were opening. This was the biggest show of my career. I’m perhaps 3 minutes in and as I look in the crowd, I see HER. She’s so pumped to see me on stage doing my thing and I’m over the moon that she’s there. She was taking a road trip back to her hometown and adjusted her plans so she could make it. The best night ever. I got to meet the artist I had looked up to, and she and me, along with my DJ, his wife, her mom all went out to eat afterward. When the meal was over and we were saying goodbye, I gave her some unique and thoughtful gifts before she left. We had to drive 13 hours back to Phoenix, but I was so high I couldn’t sleep. This was such an incredible feeling. I’m leaving the friend zone and I couldn’t be happier.. But again, it was short-lived. I immediately went on tour from that show for a week and as the week went by I noticed a change. We went from texting back within minutes, to hours. From hours to days. Talking every day, to being sent to voicemail more and more. I had planned a trip to go see her in her hometown and take her to an NFL game, but when things started to go cold, I instinctively pulled back and just stopped texting. I would then receive texts from her pulling me back in, only to be left alone when I would start pursuing her. I had to move on because I was tired of being on such a roller coaster. I had to delete her on Facebook, as well as her number. I still remember her text “DID YOU DELETE ME FROM FACEBOOK?!” I don’t even remember if I replied.

 Looking back, I see that these two stories, as well as scores of others I experienced, all mirrored some 3 act tragedy. Act I: We become friends, and I am doing things I wouldn’t do for another friend to show interest, while an emotional connection develops. Act II: I decide to go “all in” and put my cards on the table and let my feelings be known. Act III: Watch her distance herself, but still reach out for emotional connection. Now, this is where some would say "she doesn't owe you anything. Quit trying to criticize, ridicule, or blame her for not consenting to sleep with you. You’re disrespecting her physical & emotional boundaries while contributing to a culture that normalizes this type of violating women!” While I denounce the instances in which this takes place and think it’s fundamentally wrong to say someone friend zoned you because they wouldn’t sleep with you, I think it’s equally as wrong to be emotionally reckless by not being upfront, honest and confident that both parties are on the same page about the state of the relationship. It was never about wanting to sleep with the other person, but always about being together-to see her in the crowd and think, “That's my girl!" and be so overwhelmed by that thought and for her to see and think the same about me. It was about courtship and companionship. Many of the people who come up to me saying they relate to the song I wrote on this subject on so many levels feel the same way. They are looking for something more lasting than just a one-night stand. Which brings me to the point: How do you find that lasting relationship while avoiding the Friend Zone trap?  I’ve taken all my bumps, bruises and lessons learned along the way and condensed it into 3 steps. 1. Start Small

It’s incredibly tempting to just bring out the big guns when you like someone. DON’T FALL FOR THAT TRAP. Start small. Think of it as a marathon, not a sprint. Little things, and spread them out over time. I’m tempted to list examples, but as a rule of thumb, take that grand thing you were planning on doing and cut it back by 75%. Now, do one or two of those things a week or so for a couple weeks, then increase in percentage or frequency BUT NOT BOTH AT THE SAME TIME.  Keep in mind that this is a marathon, not a sprint and also if it works out, you have the rest of your relationship to be as extra as you want, and it will be more appreciated. Appetizers until it’s safe. 2. Speak Up

 The only way you'll know if it's "safe" to bring out bigger guns, is IF YOU SAY SOMETHING. Now I hear you right now shouting me down "BUT GOSPEL WHAT IF SHE SAYS SHE ISN'T INTO ME LIKE THAT??" It's simple: she isn't into you like that, you know where you stand, and you can move on. This is undesirable because of the pain that will be experienced, but this pain is momentary and is infinitely less than being strung along only to find out after wasting time, money and energy you could have devoted to ANYTHING ELSE. Speaking up means that you're okay with knowing the truth, even if it's not what you had hoped. It also means there's a chance that the other person could be TOTALLY into you, but didn't know if it was mutual. You really have nothing to lose and all the clarity and non-complexity to gain. An awkward couple of days is better than being strung along in ambiguity for an extended amount of time only to find out that your fears were legitimate. Take the guesswork out and speak up.

 3. See Your Worth This is perhaps the most important. The reason why I was content to be strung along in some of these episodes is because I didn't have an accurate assessment of my self-worth. I was riddled with rejection and blinded by my insecurities. I one day realized that I am a wonderful person who has a lot to offer the world. I have things about me that are great and things that aren’t so awesome, BUT there is someone out there in this world of over 7 BILLION people that will love me for who I am, great and not so awesome. I need you to understand that YOU are an amazing person with so much to offer the world. Yeah, you have things you need to work on/work through, but so does everyone. SOMEONE EXISTS to love you, appreciate your good and walk with you through your bad. Someone exists. They are real, and they are smoking hot and they will be crazy about you. That is what you deserve. If the person in front of you isn’t in a position to see how awesome you are, or doesn’t want to walk through your issues with you, they aren’t it. Be cordial, but excuse yourself from that situation. In doing so, you free yourself up to meet the person who sees and loves you for who you are. I can tell you these three steps work as someone who has made it out of the friend zone FOREVER. Shortly after Linda, I met the most amazing woman who still gives me goosebumps. I still feel shy and awkward in her presence because she is so pretty. She is the kindest, most thoughtful, heartfelt woman, I've met. She supports my deepest dreams and has seen me in some of my worst moments and has chosen to stick by me. I'm able to look back at my friend zone career with so much gratefulness because it brought me to her. Also, I got a really cool song out of it that I get to use to encourage people and as I say in the song, the friend zone is "a great place to start, but not the place to stay. If they keep you stuck at start, you can choose to walk away."

[esskaysblog-blog]

Social Media; My Digital Detox

Living in the 21st Century definitely has it’s perks, and in recent times, I think we can safely say that it is the growth of technology. From cars, to elevators, to medical advancements, technology has made life a lot easier for every single individual out there. Well, at least that’s my opinion.

A vital part of this ease is part of our everyday lives. They live in the homes disguised as our ‘Smart Phones’, our ‘Laptops’ and our ‘Tablets’. These homes now, have produced the tiny little devils more famously known as Social Media Apps. Social Media is that cluster of networking databases known as Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter etc.

As I mentioned above, technology has definitely played a significant role in terms of making our lives easier, and social media has become the mascot of keeping us connected with people who are far from us. By distance I mean.

Sitting thousands of miles away, sipping a hot cup of coffee and watching out the window, you see tiny raindrops hammering the environment with all it’s might. *PING* suddenly the screen on your cellphone lights up and you see a notification of your dearest friend who is sitting half way across the world, bring in the new year. Celebratory photos of them enjoying themselves are now in front of your very own eyes. It’s like you are there yourself. This to me, is an advantage of the Social Media world. To have the ability to witness the beautiful moments of the lives of your dearest ones, in a quick instant.

This very advantage however, is turning out to be a poison to our society as well. Where we are eager to connect with the people who are away from us, we’re often ignoring those who are in front of us. Dinner tables no longer hold witty conversations or discussions of the world we live in, but in fact, silent vibrations of our phones accompany the occasional clatter of our silverware. Voices are getting replaced by silence.

People living together are getting further away by emotions. Misunderstandings are taking the place of trust and assurance. Be it a parent or a child, we’ve all created a digital world of our own, where people exist in binary codes rather than flesh and blood and warmth and love. Whether we agree to it or not, this is affecting every single one of us.

This blog update of mine isn’t to lecture anyone on the cons of Social Media. I don’t have the right to, as I too am a culprit as well as a victim of its on going aftermath. The whole idea to write up on this issue wasn’t actually mine. I’ve got to give credit to a dear friend of mine, who recently underwent a kind of detox from the world of these infectious apps. Lets call her A. Now A, decided to take a break from all things Social Media. Be it Facebook or Instagram or Snapchat, she disappeared. She even disappeared from Whatsapp. 

Almost 5 months later, she messaged me and explained as to why she went MIA. Talking to her made me realize, as to how much she was able to do with her free time. The time that she wasn’t wasting scrolling through photos of other people, or documenting what she had for lunch that day. Her time became constructive. She, became constructive. Things she wanted to do in the past, had now become her present. She started getting her life together the way she visioned it to be.

That’s when I realized and to be honest, thats when I understood as to why she decided to let go of this addiction. 70% of our time, we’re all hooked up in front of our screens, living the lives of digital zombies. Our goals have become a distant thought, which we lazily walk towards because we’re too damn busy making stops at Facebook or Snapchat.

And so, after talking to A and after she recommended me to give this detox a try, I decided that I too would give this Digital Diet a go. I’ve got so many goals that I need to achieve, that in the truest sense, I actually shouldn’t even have any time to open up my Facebook page.

A couple of days ago, I deleted all my major social media apps and decided to give it a shot. It was the hardest thing I had to do. Not being able to constantly check what other people are up to, was like a side effect after consuming a lot of drugs. Did I relapse? Yes. I occasionally did go back to it now and again, just to keep my sanity I guess. Do I feel guilty about it? Absolutely. 

So I thought to myself today, I shall do a post about this issue, and today will be the first day that I let go of the Social Media world. I want to truly see the affects this has on me. Does it do me any good, or will it just drive me crazier? I don’t know. But I definitely will give this a fair shot! That being said, today is my DAY 1.

Watch this space for further updates ;)

esskay