#watching him it extremely emotionally exhausting so I really don't feel like watching through it tonight xD

[javertwenttoheaven]

"Face of a Stranger" will forever and always be the autistic anthem, and only the man himself can change my mind.

[livesworthlivingau]

Lives Worth Living Chapter 19

Spoilers for ISAT/Two Hats, you know the drill. CW: Descriptive lightly gore-y depictions.

(You slowly lift your heavy eyelid open as you lie in bed. Breathing hurts, everything hurts really. Your body is still incredibly sore, your throat is raw and ravaged, your feet blistered and throbbing. The only comfort is feeling your head against a familiar, warm surface, hearing that gentle heartbeat that's soothed you so much over the years...)

"Isa..." (You mumble softly, weakly looking up towards his face. He was absolutely passed out, snoring softly, mouth wide open with drool oozing down in his sat up position. You give a soft smile of comfort at this, just remaining in his slumbering embrace as long as you can.)

---------------------------------------------------

"Is Frin gonna be okay?"

"I-I think so! I don't know what happened but the healing seemed to help. Th-They'll just need a lot of rest after everything he's been through."

=You sip your breakfast tea as Mirabelle explains Siffrin's condition. Flashes of that shade flowing in your mind as you ponder what the gems could have caused such a thing.=

"How long is that gonna take?..." =Boniface asks, looking both worried for Siffrin's sake and disappointed it will take longer to seek out the bright star they saw in the sky.=

"I-I'm not sure Bonnie, probably at least a few days..." =Boniface doesn't respond, just looking down with a sad expression.=

"We can check on Siffrin when he wakes up, if you'd like. He seems to be doing better so I'm sure he'd want to see you too, Boniface." =They respond with only a slight nod, staying quiet. You wish Isabeau wasn't preoccupied, he was always better with the emotional stuff. It was getting as exhausting as the hike was.=

--------------------------------------------------

"Nnghh... Sif?... You awake?" (Isa mumbled softly in his tired state. You flutter your eye open and glance up at him tiredly, giving as big of a smile as you could muster. He tiredly wraps his arms around you carefully, pulling you into a close hug but not wanting to hurt your already abused form.)

"Isa..." (You rasp out through your thrashed throat, savoring the hug before you hear a sniffle and feel some wet drops falling to your head.)

"I'm so glad you're okay Sif... I-I..." (He stammers through his sobbing... You can't remember ever seeing him like this, in your whole 30 years with him he was always able to hold his emotions well even in extreme moments. Sure he'd cry at really cute things or watching a really sad play but... never quite like this.)

"I-I'm sorry..." (You feel his grip tighten some around you, taking a couple deep breaths to try and calm himself.)

"D-Don't be... Thank you Sif, for continuing to fight. I love you so much." (He lifts you gently, kissing your forehead as you smile again, weakly squeezing him back. He keeps you in this close embrace for a while before finally loosening his grip, pulling an arm away so he could wipe his tears.)

"S-So... Are you ready to see everyone? I'm sure they'd love to know you're doing better!" (He says, back to his usual chipper self after a couple deep breaths. You give a light nod, slowly sitting up and climbing to the edge of the bed. Before you can manage to climb off on your own, you let out a surprised little squeak when Isa lifts you up, carrying you bonded style. Your face burns darkly at this, but you just lay your head against his chest, not putting up any protest.)

"Hehe, sorry Sif, I still think you should take it real easy, so no walking for you~! Doctor Isa's orders!"

------------------------------------------------

"Did someone order a Sif? Sorry, they got a little banged up in transit." =Isabeau joked, causing Mirabelle and Boniface to giggle as you just roll your eyes with the lightest smirk. Siffrin desperately wants to hide their blushing face but can't without their cloak. He does look more emotionally stable though, so that's a good sign.=

"Siffrin! How are you feeling? D-Do you need anymore healing?"

"N-No, I think you got all you could." =His voice was so soft you could barely hear it from the other side of the table. You still aren't sure what caused that episode earlier. Why was that color back? Why was he hacking it up? There's too many factors at play and he seems in no state for long winded answers. It seems those questions must remain unanswered for now.=

"F-Frin? Are you okay?" =Boniface asks as they get up, walking closer. They look up at him worriedly, but his soft smile and holding out a hand for them to take helps put them at ease.=

"I'm better... I'll be okay soon, I promise."

"Super duper promise?..." =He smiles a bit brighter and holds up his pinkie. Whatever this gesture means, their face lights up, bringing their own pinkie to it and curling it around his.=

"OH! You must be starving!! What do you want to eat Frin?!" =They shout, quickly looking in the cabinets and bags for whatever ingredients they had.=

"Whatever it is, please make sure it's soft Bonnie, Sif's throat is still pretty thrashed."

"Got it, Za!" =Without hesitation they got to work on some extravagant meal, putting in the extra effort for the sake of the situation.=

"A-Are you sure you're okay enough to eat?" =Siffrin nodded, his stomach sounding out as if for emphasis.=

"He can't get much better without eating, it's been nearly 3 days since you've had a meal..." =Isabeau remarked worriedly, giving Siffrin a nervous stare. To help reassure their large companion, they laid their head on his shoulder before speaking.=

"I'm okay... I promise, just need some rest and food." =His voice is still practically a whisper. You sigh to yourself as you have very little to add to this conversation, all you have is more questions, more theories, none of which can be answered right now... A meal and rest would have to do for now, but you would need to get some answers soon.=

[lollytea]

Given that Hunter was introduced to anime in the Human Realm (canon), what do you think some of his favourites would be? Any he wouldn't like as much?

Astro Boy

Voltron Defender of the Universe (the 80s one. He eats it up. Its his cocomelon)

Mobile Suit Gundam Wing

Gus also enjoys Sci-fi type stuff so this is what they watch together <333

Sailor Moon/Cardcaptor Sakura/Whatever other cute wholesome power of friendship magical girl animes that you can think of. I just believe he loves Magical Girls. That is a headcanon that is attached to my brain like a leech.

Pokemon. He loves cute little creechurs, they're silly and they remind him of palismen <33

I imagine that he really enjoys sports anime. Especially the ones with intense homoerotic friendships. He loves Haikyu and Free, god bless. If you dare to open your mouth during Yuri on Ice, he will kill you.

As a guy who is a bit awkward, passionate about his interests, a little bit on the gnc side, and into making clothes, I think he'd like Princess Jellyfish.

I think when it comes to anime he WOULDN'T like, I think maybe....slice of life shojo high school stuff. Ones that are deeply rooted in experiences that Hunter cannot connect to. Not that he hates that stuff. He just struggles to relate. Also, as introspective, sensitive and emotionally mature as I imagine Hunter to be, I also think that his attention span cannot be held by a show that focuses on feelings/romance alone. Bro is like "I want SPACESHIPS!! I want SPORT!!! I want POKEMON!!!" There's gotta be some exciting angle to keep him entertained.

Something I'm a little unsure of is what Hunter's relationship is with gore/horror/edgy type stuff. Because we know he was a fan of Ruler's Reach, which was written by an edgelord 8 year old and was packed with gratuitous violence. Considering he was not only a teenage boy (who tend to gravitate towards depictions violence because of societal influence) but a child soldier who was unnervingly desensitized to brutality, it does make a lot of sense. Ruler's Reach also seemed to be something of a masculine power fantasy written by one boy who felt small and powerless in his own life, which connected with a boy who felt similarly. King wanted to be feared, Hunter wanted to be respected.

However, this was during the time that Hunter was trapped in a very bleak situation, one that he didn't even fully understand was bleak. And he coped by hyperfixating on a book that normalized the cruelty.

But what I wonder is, would he still feel the same way about that book now, after everything? He's been woken up to how horrific his life was until this point. He's aware of the atrocities and he's deeply uncomfortable with all of it. Things are drastically different now. Hunter is drastically different.

Personally, I think Ruler's Reach was something that comforted him when he needed it. But as he changes as a person, its just not his taste anymore.

Hunter can certainly stomach gore and violence. He's seen more disturbing sights than anything an anime can show him. But I don't think he actively seeks it out. I imagine that he prefers stuff that's lighthearted. Not that he doesn't enjoy tension/excitement/high stakes. Just not the kind of stuff that will make him extremely upset.

Like Fullmetal Alchemist for example. Absolutely amazing anime, but not something Hunter would enjoy sitting through. It's good to have fiction that makes you feel something deep in your core, the way FMA does to people. But Hunter has experienced enough real life trauma and existential horror for a lifetime. He's felt enough!!! He doesn't need to see that weird fucking dog!!!!! Leave him alone!!!!!

So ya in summary, I think he likes fun, semi-lighthearted stuff. But he doesn't really wanna watch anything that's gonna make him sit in the shower for over an hour and rethink everything. He is already mentally exhausted. He once learned made of a dead guy's bones, that's enough for him.

[silentmassacres]

mon, oct 28

bus ride rambles. sex, silence, and knee-jerk reactions

sometimes i still thinking about him. him being. me

i think it's silly to look back on the smaller things i used to get hurt over.

i wonder which is worse — not knowing, and having to unpack it all continuously later. or if i knew the words for it all, and stayed anyways. i probably would've. maybe. i don't really know anymore, and i never really knew him well anyways.

if i knew the words, i'd cling to them like they'd save me. like the ugly reality was anything worth saving.

i, he, one of us or maybe both. he would've wanted to make it beautiful. something holy, some divine punishment.

i could try to claw my chest open, like id escape through the gaping wound. i did try that. or he did. the scars have long faded. maybe i should stop separating me and. who i used to be.

i think talking like this makes me dissociate. i feel like him, in a sense. i am him.

through everything, i am still him

—

twitter has ruined me, i think. or the internet as a whole, really

was doing. stuff. the other night and went to say something and the way it came out of my mouth just made me immediately mentally recoil. something about the tone of it just reminded me of those hypersexualized porn audios for lonely men, with women playing into motherly roles for the sake of. attraction. i guess

and it's probably more of a knee jerk reaction on my part. but things like that and any sort of exaggeration of womanhood (think: fetish art in which womens chests and hips are drastically blown up in comparison to everything else) are extremely uncomfortable for me.

it's a mix of dehumanization and dysphoria. in reality, they tend to go together. when "woman and "sex object" get so easily intertwined to people, the combination of the two is just a recipe for disaster

not only do things like me make me feel feminine and Worse, in an exaggerated way but that mental association between the two makes me feel dehumanized. in the same way in which ill look myself in the mirror and see a feminine body shape and feel as though it inherently opens me up to sexualization. because it does, ultimately.

and that's not to say i'm trans because of that. it's far more than that. but the overlap in feeling like a woman being dysphoria inducing and womanhood including being dehumanized in a sexual manner being triggering is. awful for me.

—

i don't like to talk about it as something that. happened to me. unfortunately, trying to explain the layers of it all is exhausting. call it manipulation, call it coercion, and i'm still expected to have been some sort of brutal victim. that's not me and never has been. i'm good at being quiet — ive done that as long as i can remember. (i lay on the couch with my grandmother. she asks me if anything's bothering me. i hold back my tears, tell her no, and blankly stare off. maybe i truly believed it)

—

i find myself identifying with womanhood again and again. not in a. genuine way.

i strive for community and i tend to find it bundled in distaste. feeling othered due to being more emotionally mature is something i'll latch onto far too easily. unfortunately, it's not only maturity that sets me apart. i think my whole emotional process is different. or maybe they're right, maybe it's some sort weird socialization thing.

i don't. fully believe it. but i understand the contexts. i know that emotional maturity isn't biological. i also know that it's more excused for men to do. whatever. with their emotions. i find some sort of solace in watching women talk about feeling different for performing emotions logically, despite the fact that i'm an outsider looking in.

—

i understand these. knee-jerk feelings aren't good. not that i take them out on anybody, but the internet kind of pushes the idea that it's inherently awful. sure, thought crimes aren't real, unless you have a thought that i don't like

there's a general sense of apathy, i think, that's assumed to be. good. there's beauty in nothingness, a blank slate. indifference.

i find that most things fade to indifference. my upset matters until it doesn't. it doesn't when it inconveniences or upsets others. that's most times.

i find it easier to keep things to myself. i understand that much of what upsets me isn't the most logical. even if it is, it tends to be miniscule things or things that could be interpreted. it's not worth the bother, really

i try quite hard not to fall into learned helplessness, or just general unwillingness to get better, but that's hard when it feels like genuinely next to nobody understands what you're saying. you may hear the words, but you're not. receiving them

[mistralxsoul]

follow up askie!

When Flynn finally came to bed, it was with a heavy thud. Not only must he have been completely exhausted, but he was almost definitely emotionally drained. Since it was knight business Yuri didn't try to pry much, but he knew the basics and that was enough to tell him Flynn wouldn't be over this for a few weeks at least. Not that he blamed him, but he would have to distract him quite a bit to get his mind off the pain of all of it.

As much as he was proud to say Flynn was the highest ranking knight, it came with a lot of concern. Just knowing how hard Flynn could take a single loss of life must have put a pressure on him that Yuri couldn't even imagine as Commandant. As any honest human being should, he treated every life as important and valuable. That meant in a situation like this, with far more than one loss of life, that the hurt in his heart was extremely amplified.

The way he thought of each person as an individual he would never see again. The way he considered the families and friends of every single one of them. Someone could go insane if they thought too much about it. At this age though? Could Flynn really handle this? Sure, he could handle duties like paperwork and meetings. Sure, he could handle passing laws and arguing good or bad ideas. The warring part, even if it was against monsters? If Yuri wasn't here with him to share a bed with him through all of this, he was honestly unsure Flynn's sanity could take it.

When Yuri looked over, Flynn's back was to him. Probably not out of being upset with Yuri specifically and that was probably simply how he was comfortable right now. Yuri scooted over and wrapped his arms around Flynn's waist, both hands finding one of Flynn's and resting on it with a gentle but strong grip. His fingers curled to hold onto the hand. "I'll go with you if you need someone to be there when you deliver them. If not, I'll come right back when you get back. Just don't punish yourself, okay?"

Flynn was strong, but he was... so soft. So easily shattered from things like this. Maybe with time it would get better - at least how he handled it, because Yuri doubted it would ever get easier for him to get through. Watching him go through this was difficult, and whether Yuri liked it or not, he couldn't do a thing to prevent it in the future. This would happen again at any scale.

Yuri moved closer again until his chest was against Flynn's back so he could lower his face into Flynn's neck. It was hard to see him suffering like this, but... he knew this was harder for Flynn than it was for him. Flynn might not even sleep tonight, but... Yuri could at least stay close. As close as he could. "Goodnight, Flynn. I love you."

Flynn knew that Yuri was awake the moment his body hit the sheets. He barely had the strength in him to even climb underneath the blankets but he somehow managed though he couldn’t really do much beyond that. Normally, when in bed with Yuri, he would roll over and pull the man into his arms, not caring if he was asleep or not (hopefully not but there was something amusing and adorable about hearing the drowsy whines of protest from the other when his sleep was disturbed). He would nuzzle his face into the man’s hair, kiss his temple and then together they would fall asleep in the comfort of each other’s presence.

Tonight… Flynn couldn’t even bring himself to turn over to face Yuri. Part of him felt like he didn’t deserve such a luxury tonight. So many people would never get the luxury of falling asleep next to their partners ever again. It felt as if it were mocking the lives lost by cuddling up to his own sweetheart knowing that they would never get to feel the touch of their own loves ever again. It just wouldn’t be fair.

Still, he should’ve known that Yuri wouldn’t let him get away with that so easily. Within minutes, he could feel arms slip around his waist and familiar hands wrapping around one of his own. Flynn didn’t have the energy to fight it but even if he did, he wasn’t sure he wanted to. Feeling Yuri’s warmth pressed against his back was a comfort. A warm and familiar feeling that made Flynn feel… safer. Then Yuri presses his face against Flynn’s neck and it’s almost as if the dam breaks.

Flynn could feel his eyes begin to water as he let out a wet little laugh. “You might… see a bunch of people get angry with me… If you come with me, you have to promise not to get defensive… Okay…? They won’t be able to help it.” But he knew that Yuri understood that. But the reminder was still put out for not just Yuri, but for Flynn himself.

Finally, Flynn decided that even though he didn’t deserve to feel the comforting warmth of Yuri’s arms, just for tonight only, he was going to be selfish. Slowly, he turns in Yuri’s arms and returns the embrace, arms wrapping around Yuri tightly as he buries his wet face into his partner's shoulder. Letting their legs tangle underneath the sheets, Flynn scoots as close as he possibly could to Yuri and the comfort he offered.

For tonight, he decided, he would let his defenses drop before having to build the walls back up in order to face the trials that would begin starting tomorrow. For tonight, he would at least allow himself to enjoy Yuri’s comfort, no matter how much he felt he didn’t deserve it. He’d let the man take care of him this time around. As his shoulders shook, he decided to let it all out tonight, to try and empty everything out just so he could bottle it up again during the trip without fear over everything spilling over. And then once he returned home, he hoped Yuri would allow him to be selfish once again like this. Hoped that he would allow yet another moment of weakness, just between the two of them.

“...love you too…”

[arllenn]

Staring down at Ruri- no Chime is his name, before you, you can help but feel tired. None of this is making any sense it’s all too much at once.

Bonderev, one of the dickheads behind what happened at black swan bay, had apparently been alive and living well enough to the point where he could give lessons on morality in his final moments. Imagine that! HIM a man who BLEW UP an ORPHANAGE and who had personally shot you and Renata, what he persumed to be, dead! And he had the nerve to ask you to, no- TELL you to protect his son, to not let his actions get in the way of YOU PROTECTING his SON! You’re so frustrated to the point where you’re not sure if you want to burst out into maniacal laughter, break down and cry or just destroy everything in your sight the same way that dickhead had done to you and your family all those years ago.

He had gotten everything and more. A family, a happy life, power and he was freed from all the consequences of his actions. So what about you what did you get? A permanent fear of trusting anyone because “hey I’ve already been used as a genetic experiment by the man I considered a father who then proceeded to blow me, everyone and everything I’ve ever loved to kingdom come! But sure thing nice stranger who I just met let’s be besties!” Makes so much sense. Oh, oh! What about stealing years away from your life! 20 to be exact, man you could’ve been married, had a family, gone to the capital and achieved everything you had wanted to! But no instead what you’re doing is standing here, the same 18 year old who couldn’t do anything to save your friends, your family, as you watched them die in front of you. You’re the person who even in her last moments Renata had to look after and protect. And wow doesn’t that smart, doesn’t it hurt to look down at Chime to see how weak he is, with a voice that trembles and eyes that seem one glare away from overflowing with tears, doesn’t it hurt to look at him and see the worst parts of yourself reflected back at you? The parts you wanted to bury so deep down inside that they’d be forgotten by even you. But here they are, loud and angry and demanding your attention.

Your throat closes in on itself, the hand on your hip tightens. It’s a painful squeeze that’s only purpose is to remind you that, no you can’t cry here, you can’t let anyone see you like that, you cant let yourself be like that, not here. Not in front of people who you should know, who you should trust but who you don't You've spent more time running around for them then with them. It's mean and the ugly cloying feeling that rises up from your chest makes you look back at your relationship with 'your' uperclassmen. Were you even close enough to be called comrades? friends? Most of the time it felt like you were just there. A living phone running to deliver messages from one of them to another. Running errands, throwing yourself into danger or just escaping death for what? People who, people who you- people who you... what even are they to you? Right now your upperclassmen feel miles away from you, both emotionally and physically.

Your nails were starting to dig into your skin in a way that was more then painful. You could feel the moment the skin on both your hip and the palm of your other hand broke. Pulling your lip in between your teeth you try and tune back into the conversation waiting for the right words, for your upperclassmen to throw another request at you so that you can leave, preferably go outside and beat the shit out of one of the trash cans out back before running off into danger once again to fulfill their orders like you always did. And wow, isn’t that something... even now, even now, you’re still just blindly following people’s orders, never asking questions, never saying no. What... what is wrong with you? Hadn’t you learned your lesson already? Hadn't you learned after Herzog that you don't, you can't, just do that. Last time you did that you grabbed onto a rotten rope, a horribly, disgustingly, rotten rope.

"Promsing to protect somebody so recklessly is a foolish thing... nevertheless... thank you." Chime's retelling of his life comes to an end at a convient time. It's perfect really, and so you take that moment, the lull after his thanks, to leave.

You walk out into the lobby of Takamagahara the slow calming jazz music a horrible contrast to the thoughts and feelings that are swirling inside you right now. You make it two-thirds of the way to the bar when you're met with an extremely unpleasnt sight that has you cringing for more reasons then one.

Crow and Yasha are sitting the bar, resting most of their belegirantlty drunk weight on the actual contertop instead of on their chairs. They're demanding extra achoul, Crow shouting about how he can't take something anymore who knows what. And yikes heres a thought, Chime Gen is in the VIP room right behind them, those two who, even if they are drunk out of their minds, are Chisei's aides. They find Chime or even gain the smallest inkling of an idea that he may be here and you'll have more to worry about then cleaning up the counters from their drunk cry fest. Normally you'd step in here, and take over for Quinton the poor bartender on duty who always seemed to get the worst of the costumers but you really aren't feeling up to it today.

Just as you're about to turn around to give the trashcans outside the beatings of their lives Crow says something that you can't help but stop at. "You know I like Sakura don't you?" It was a question directed at Yasha who was only able to groan out what he thought was a response. You debate staying for a second. This isn't something that you particularly care about, nor is it something that really concerns you. But it just, you just want to know a little bit more about what Sakura was like before she became another one of Herzog's victims. Its with that flimsy excuse and the puppy dog look that Quinton gives you once he notices you're there that has you stepping closer, leaning against one of the pillars that trap the bar in its own seprate space.

As Crow continues to slur his feelings out Yasha seems to sober up a bit, it's not by much but its to the point where you're no longer worried about him getting into a bar fight, more just what taxi service to call for him when he inevetably passes out and where to send him afterwards.

Yasha leans over the bar apparently ready to give Crow some type of advice when the following happens. 1) he trips and stumbles over his words "Don't.. Don't worry. We are brothers. I... will never... mock you." sweet right? It would've been if not for 2) The fact that he lurches over its a face you recgonize all too well.

"Quinton get out of the-" 3) Yasha hurls all over Quinton, your words left to hang just as Yasha's icky face goop is left to hang off of Quinton. And now you're royally pissed. Sure you were pissed before but this is the type of rage that can only be quelled by you being left alone to stew in it. Its not the emotional type of rage that you felt earlier when you wanted to smash every glass surface you came across no this is the cold type of rage that leaves nothing but apathy in its wake. because as much as you've been trying to ignore it theres so much more that you had been trying to ignore, so much more that had been pushed to the wayside that you're angry about. You look up at Quinton whose looking at you like a lost kid in a mall that had mistaken you for their mother. Running a rand through your hair you harshly scratch at your scalp. "Quinton," you let out a frustrated sigh, "Take the rest of the night off, you'll be paid regularly and you can take extra pay if you wake up sick tommorrow." You turn to him and start to walk behind the counter switching places with him.

“Right thanks a bunch, manager." He rushes out. Turing towards the staff area most likely to change into his extra uniform instead of going home covered in puke. Staring down at Yasha's mess which was covering most of his area of the counter as well as the floor under his chair your annoyance hit an all new peak. It's not the chunky kind of throw up that can be easily cleaned up, its a mush that resembles watery baby food. It's obvious that this wont be a quick clean and that both mops and floor wipes are just going to push this stuff around instead of soaking it up.

Today just can't get any worse can it? Pushing your hand back into your head you aggitatedly rubbed at your scalp, pushing and pulling at the skin there. You’re pissed off. To come back after fighting against Herzog, let’s not forget HERZOG WAS THERE TOO! HE WAS THERE, HE WAS THERE LIVING AND BREATHING, AFTER ALL THAT HE HAD DONE, HE HAD THE NERVE TO GET UP ON THE PEDESTAL THAT HE HAD CONSTRUCTED, DESIGNED AND BUILT HIMSELF THROUGH EXPLOITING THE INNOCENT TO TEST HIS FREAKY DRAGON DRUGS ON, HE HAD THE NERVE TO TALK DOWN TO YOU! ACT LIKE YOU WERE STUPID OR SOME KIND OF PREDETERMINED FAILURE! You get back from that battle exhausted , emotionally drained, and wanting to destroy yourself to find Finger leisurly drinking with Humpback! After you thought that he died you thought that you had lost another person, only for him to be there and fine. It was reliving yes, but just fucking horrible at the same time. So when you stare down at that mess and the first thing you see when you look up is the VIP room that the others are in you felt like you were justified in deciding that you would be acting on your tiredness and handing off this task to one of your upperclassmen like they do to you so often.

Actually you retract your earlier statement today can in fact get worst. Crow and Yasha have apparently had enough to drink both uncoordinatedly slamming down the money to pay for their drinks, you really don't care wether or not is correct you just want them gone, they BOTH step into Yasha's puke tracking it out the door with them. Yeah, no- you're not cleaning that up nope, nu uh, never. You blow out a heated breath and start to walk towards the VIP room careful to avoid all of the face mush on the floor. Pulling on the curtains that served as the door to enter you called out to the occupants.

"Right, sorry to ruin the fun but I just had two costumers who puked and tracked the throw-up everywhere so I need one of you to go out and clean it up preferably like," You looked down at your wrist as though you wore a watch. Truthfully it was just to hide the annoyed look on your face, "right now please." You glanced up at them Before clarifying "Chime I'm not asking you to clean it up, just focus on resting." Because as much as you wanted someone to clean that nonsense up right away you were also specially tuned into just how draining it could be to meet Herzog like that. "Cool thanks guys!" You clapped your hands together and prepared to leave the room when Luminous started complaining.

"Aw, come on no way newbie, I don't wanna clean something like that up!" He put his hand to the back of his head, a tick you had noticed he did when he was complaining, nervous or worried, "Come on can't you do it? You were already out there.." And there it was normally you would excuse that tone as just being something that made Luminous, well Luminous but today the whiny tone was grating on your ears and you were two steps away from man handling him like you used to with Anton when he was being uncooperative. The thought of him hurts. Witnessing his final moments, being there when they happened, it was both the same and different then the others. Sure you had watched all the others die but Anton's had always stuck with you in a way that was far too painful for someone who you really didn't like. And now the urge to cry was back, you felt your eyes burn with unshed tears that were a culmination of too many of your emotions to name.

Caesar brought a hand to rest on his chin tapping away at it, before he even got the chance to talk your anger had already started to peak "Luminous is right newbie, theres no reason for us to do it, you were already out there and knew the areas that needed to be cleaned. This just seems like a waste of both yours and our time." Yeah, yeah, you seriously contemplated grabbing Caesar by his ponytail and using him as a mop for a second.

"You just cleaning it up would've been more efficient." Johann unhelpfully chimed in. Yeah, maybe you would use Caesar as the mop and Johann as the counter rag.

"Yeah freshie! Everyone knows that newbies do all the grunt work, you can't expect us to do it can you?" Fingers nasally voice made you want to throttle him the more he continued to talk. Sure he may have meant it as a joke but you really weren't at the point of caring. In fact you couldn't care less about anything right now. The anger that had just been building had condensed into a vengeful apathy that demanded the souls of those around you.

Once again Caesar spoke this time however you decided to cut him off. "That's right newbie, using my authority as team leader I order you to-"

"Damn I kinda don't care," You said scratching at the back of your head in an obviously exaggerated way. "Yeah actually..." you started mimicking Caesar's earlier stance, "If you're invoking your team leader rights then I'm invoking my manager rights."

"Hey wait-" Luminous tried to interject.

"Yeah as your manager I order you all to have that throw-up cleaned within the next half an hour." A bit long of a time slot, sure, but really who cares as long as it gets done.

"No way newbie team leaders out rank managers, which means my order still stands." Caesar's stubbornness in this situation could be something to praise if not for the fact that a) you don't care and b) you're two steps away from bringing your thoughts of using him as a mop to fruition.

"Team leaders outrank managers when we're out on the field sure, but right now we're in Takamagahara not battling death servitors, which means your team leader status is moot." You made a slicing motion over your neck. "You may be the leader appointed by the college but right now that means nothing, were not fighting and this isn't reconnaissance, we're working."

"That doesn't change the fact that Caesar is team leader freshman." You can always count on Johann to speak up for what he believes in. Too bad you're not here to praise your upperclassmen but instead get them to work.

"Cool! And I'm still the manager. Right now you all are technically on the clock at Takamagahara which means what I say goes. Caesar may be the team leader and you may be my upperclassmen but that doesn't change the fact that right here right now what I say takes precedence in all matters that aren't dragon related because I'm the ma.ne.ger. " You smile your best costumer service smile and speak in the same tone that you do with costumers when you say this. Then you turn on your heel and walk out calling out behind you that "I expect to not wake up to puke covered floors in the morning! I'm going to bed good night."

And well if Finger chose not to comment on your behavior because he watched you break down in the elevator through the security cameras then that will remain with him. And if Caesar and Johann chose not to speak on it because they heard you sobbing from outside your room that night then thats something that stays between them. And if Luminous caught a glimpse of the empty look in your eyes that night when you left your room for water then he definitely held that as a close secret to his heart. Choosing not to comment on it. And if you noticed that your seniors were just a bit more gentle with you or asked for your input before sending you off on recon missions when they didn't before then you don't comment on it.

[blackjackkent]

Immediately after I started the game, Caden started giving me his exhaustion lines, so I guess that means it's time for another emotionally devastating dream sequence!

After what happened last time, none of the others really wants to rest and give the demon inside Caden a foothold to take over again, and they really don't want to let Irenicus get more of a head start than he already has...but it's also extremely clear that they are all exhausted and running on fumes. In the end, they set up a watch, one person every few hours switching to watch Caden, alert for any sign of movement, ready to take him down and hold him until he can regain control again.

Caden, even more than the rest, does not want to sleep - he does not want to feel that darkness creep up on him, like a squeezing vise on his heart. He insists that the others sleep at a distance from him, even though he desperately wants to curl up at Aerie's side and let her warmth comfort him. And eventually the exhaustion is too much for him, and he falls into fitful sleep, his head twitching slightly back and forth against his bedroll on the stone floor.

The dream comes almost immediately.

He is in the Candlekeep library again. The air is murky with dim fog, and the air chills him to the bone. He stands, frozen to the spot, with his friends around him in all directions, Imoen standing at their center, staring him down.

He gasps the words out, struggles them past jaws that are stiff and clamped shut, clings to the knowledge that whatever is speaking to him in this dream, it is not his friend. It is the darkness that is lurking, hungrily trying to surge into the empty space where his soul was, trying to consume him...

He feels the muscles of his body wrench and twist, pain usurping everything, blanking his mind. In an instant, he is the Slayer again, the terrifying demon creature that moves without his volition. With sudden, brutal blows he feels himself lash out with claws and teeth, destroying each of his friends in turn with snarling efficiency. They fall, blood-spattered and broken onto the ground and he feels a scream of rage and terror rise in his throat--

And then he is human again, somewhere else, another part of the library that he saw once in a dream before the siege of Dragonspear. Now around him stand not his friends but his enemies. Sarevok, his half-brother. Bodhi, his tormenter. And Jon Irenicus, cold eyes as real as life, staring him down.

The not-Imoen creature laughs harshly.

He feels the Slayer overtake him again, the power and mind-blank agony surging through him, claws lashing out against Sarevok's armor, striking the dark Bhaalspawn down with a gout of blood.

He feels himself turn on Bodhi, then on Irenicus, slashing holes in their throats and down their chests, watching them fall.

And, terrifyingly, he feels the delight in it, the ability to take these people who have hurt him and rip them apart as if they were nothing at all. The goodness in him recoils at this satisfaction, and then fills with horror as his overtaken body keeps moving, closing with the not-Imoen creature, tearing into this image of his best friend in the world...

And, finally...with no further prey left to turn to, he consumes himself, his claws lashing out at an image of his own face, drawing blood in long scarring lines through his body--

--He comes awake with a burst of utter terror, scrabbling to his feet and hurling himself further away from his friends, curling into a ball against the nearest wall. His heart is hammering in his ears, his eyes wide and staring and unseeing.

Slowly, slowly, he comes down from the fear, his heart slowing, his eyes coming to focus on his hands. Human hands, his hands. He has not slipped, the darkness has not taken him yet. He is still himself...

...what remains of it.

And his friends are still alive. He remembers all too well how Irenicus tried to possess him in a dream, to use him against Skie and destroy her...and he has no doubt that the force of the Slayer inside him could have done just the same, turned the dream into reality if he had not had the will to stop it.

But for now...for now he has held on.

Five pairs of eyes stare at him in the dimness. He doesn't meet any of their gazes, just shakes his head and clambers uncomfortably to his feet.

"Rested. Time to move on," he mutters hoarsely. "We need...we need to get out of here..."

[spineofdeathwing]

Howdy! Seeing as I am no longer part of the SLP community, and how I've been seeing all of the hate going on for Jontont Frost over Wyrmguard Secrets, and the fact that they seem to celebrate my departure from the SLP server by stating "finally the evil beast is gone." as someone showed me via twitter

Let me inform you: the evil beast is not gone. Why? Because Jontont Frost is STILL there.

He and I had a lot of problems. What had initially began as a friendship turned into a nightmare for me. A nightmare I sat quiet on for a very long time. Even with alllll the shit that got posted about me being a bully, etc.

There were many times that I wanted to say something publicly, and in quiet there are a few who know the full story, but I stopped myself because I worried how it would hurt friends, but now it's kind of like... Not having said something has damaged so many things so much more than it would have if I had just said something to begin with.

Hi. I'm the person who played Finnegan Quill. I, to my knowledge, don't have a lot of trouble with people on Moon Guard, except for a few. Jontont is one of those few.

The guy has so many issues, and this is coming from someone with a lot of issues themselves, that it was extremely difficult to deal with them. Prior to things getting too bad, this is how things progressed:

We became friends through RP, I started talking to them more oocly. They seemed super chill, no problem, but as time went on, I found out what kind of person they are. They constantly put themselves down and would get very self deprecating, and me, I am a sensitive person, and my heart bleeds for this sort of thing, so I did my best to tell him he wasn't all the things he called himself, that he could make friends if he just put himself out there. That everything would be fine if he just stuck to his character and separated himself from it, that he wouldn't need to worry about things if he didn't take what happened in character personally.

I wasn't the only person who had to/has to deal with him. I won't name names, but I'm hoping they manage to get away from him sooner than later. Jontont Frost uses emotionally manipulative tactics to draw people in. He stalked me in game despite the fact that I had him on ignore. He still felt the need to put his nose in everything.

I made the heinous mistake of erping with him when he was still in an ic relationship with Elrodore Tate. Yeah, Finnegan went there, and I really wish he hadn't, because that put me in a spot to where Jontont wanted to know everything I was doing. Every single minute of the day. When I told him I needed a break, what did he do? He started to insult himself, call himself useless, friendless, a whole lot of other things, to which I came back to tell him "hey, don't talk about yourself like that. You'll be fine. Just be your best self" etc. Eventually I realized this was a tactic to keep me there, and hell did it get exhausting.

I've got a lot of problems. 100% no doubt. So I didn't need his problems too, but I still tried to be kind. So things still continued, and I grew exhausted again, and again told him I needed a break, but again with the self deprecation he came, and then when he did say "ok, I'll leave you alone for now." He would come back like 5 minutes later pretending nothing had ever even happened.

His stalking, cause that is what it was, grew so bad that even after I ignored him after I had a one sided talk with him, I went to the SLP mods to get it taken care of, because we were both existing in the same project, we worked out an agreement that we both would ignore each other--- FINALLY, because even though I had him on ignore on both Discord and WoW, that still didn't stop him from turning into a cat and watching me in stealth, but he still can't seem to keep his mouth shut about me, so here I am.

I have an extensive history of his stalking/manipulative/inappropriate behavior on documented file which is what I presented to the project moderators as proof of my issues with him, and I'd share it happily, but if I did that, I'd end up dragging other people into things who I don't particularly care to drag through the mud, dm me if you want, though I don't see this going anywhere. I can already feel the goblins on my back for this.

Fuck you, Jontont Frost, and your little Tobias too.

They're both horrible people, I hope others come to realize this sooner rather than later.

Jontont's behavior was gross and traumatic. Every time I seen a white Worgen or the bear form he uses, it made me sick. I couldn't stand to look at them. I was always alarmed when I would be out doing content and someone with the same druid forms would show up alongside me, prompting me to check if it was him, because I felt like I would never get away from him and he would always follow me. If I'm sounding over dramatic, lemme just say, it was THAT BAD.

More to come later.

Spoiler, he decided to tell me about how he masturbated to the ERP we did afterwards, while watching porn. Why did I need to know that? I didn't. He should have kept it to himself. But there he goes crossing IC and OOC again.

There are others who could back things up, but I won't call on them unless they want to come out.

.

[brideofcthulhu10]

I promised you guys I'd whittle something out before the end of the day! (Currently its 11:30 here, so I made my deadline lol) So here's a bit of drama and fluff. Every couple fights, even vampires, but the most important thing is to take responsibility for your actions and communicate. With that in mind, I give you: 

Lost Boys Make Their Fem!S/O Cry During a Fight

CONTENT WARNING: Sexual Themes, Possible Triggers, Topics of Physical and Verbal Anger

David

David is not known to mince words in any scenario, so you can bet that means he chooses an s/o who can handle his bluntness. The same could be said for your fights. Unlike Dwayne and Paul, David rarely yells anymore. Instead he's harsh, cold, and what he says often hits very hard. He doesn't tip toe around when he's calm, you can damn well bet he isn't going to be considerate when you tick him off. He can be quite jealous at times, but often it doesn't lead to a fight. Admittedly he can be a tad petty as well, but getting genuinely enraged towards you is not as common. A spat is one thing, but a serious fight can get ugly fast. He is almost jolted when he hears a sharp breath muffled under your hand. Hell he's only ever heard you make that sound during sex, and this was definitely no time to be turned on. He'll turn around and see you with your hand over your mouth trying to hide your shame and feel ungodly levels of guilt. 

David's words are harsh, and when you turn out of the room he's still sitting there utterly flabbergasted that you had such a tearful expression. After all, you had to know he didn't mean it..right?

David will definitely sulk, he hates admitting he was wrong. Not necessarily because he thinks he's in the right for being cruel, but rather he's sure you just need space and then things will get better. He'll expect you back any day... So when you don't, he kind of goes into denial and will wait, and wait… and wait... 

The guys stopped asking about you because every time he hears your name mentioned he grows more pissed off. Eventually he explodes in a rage, which is extremely rare for David.

"So uh.. about Y/N-"

"Why isn't she back yet?! This is stupid, she should know that I don't mean it!"

"Hey, David, man why don't you go talk to Y/N? I sure if you-"

"No! If she wants to stay away, fucking fine! Good riddance!"

Truthfully he's upset. Beyond that, really. He feels awful for making you cry, he's afraid you might hate him now, but he doesn't know how to approach the situation. Apologizing is difficult, to David it's a form of defeat and a part of him doesn't want to face that it's his fault you're gone. 

Eventually he caves in after a week and a half. He misses you like crazy! The guilt gnaw at him to the point that he can't sleep, he can't think straight. Even blood begins to have a bitter taste to it. 

It'll be a late night, closer to 3 am when he just silently appears in your room. If you're asleep he'll just stand there and watch you for a moment. Mostly trying to build up enough willpower to do what he's about to. 

Expect his apology to be kind of crappy. At least, at first. It'll come off as angry, even a bit misguided just because he really hates admitting he fucked up. But when he does, it's the most sincere, heartbreaking moment of your relationship. He may have to turn away from you and shut his eyes before any tears tempt his cheeks. You can't see him like that. Tears means he's getting emotional, that means he's growing attached, and attachment… it's a weakness. When he's weak and attached, people die. 

He lost a love before because he couldn't protect her, he's lost his brothers once because he got careless and underestimated his enemy, he can't lose more. 

Once he apologizes and you come back to him, he's a bit more attached to you physically. He'll hold you from behind with his chin on your shoulder while sitting on his bike, have you sit on his lap at the hotel, even on the boardwalk he's become more open by holding your hand. He isn't ready to say the big "L" word just yet, so this is the most he can muster. Whenever he's too harsh now he'll apologize by hugging you to him. David is still scared of getting close, but he's more afraid of pushing you away from his lack of filter.

Dwayne

It takes a lot to ruffle Dwayne's feathers, so already he's not one to be careless with his words. Unfortunately once he's pushed to that point all bets are off. This usually dismissive vampire of little words becomes an eruption of rage. A lot of it is physical. He'll throw a table or punch a hole in a cement wall. He doesn't mean to scare you. When he gets that worked up he becomes unbelievably tense, almost his body's way of warning you not to push him. With fangs out, standing in the wreckage of his rage he'll pause to see you failing to hold back a mess of tears and immediately stops.

At that point he's exhausted. Rage takes a lot out of him, in the end he just feels flustered and a bit ashamed for losing his cool. The longest a fight lasts is maybe a day or two, usually you give each other space but once he's made you cry that's a different story.

Even if you started the fight he recognizes he shouldn't have done what he did. Temper or not, that's not an excuse to blow up at you. He'll be frustrated with himself for losing grasp of his emotions, and he'll probably take some time to think over his words before trying to solve the issue. It's hard to look at someone else's point of view when you're pissed off at them, he knows that better than anyone. Especially since he grew up with siblings before becoming a vampire. When he's got a good grasp on himself he'll probably try to settle things with you so that you two can get things back to normal.

"Y/N… come here, please," he'll say softly, patting the seat next to him on the couch. As soon as you do, he slings his arm around your shoulder and yanks you into his chest. He doesn't look down at you or say a word, he'll rest his chin on his fist looking straight ahead searching for the right words. If it was a mutual argument he'll explain his own point of view after apologizing for losing his temper, and when it's your turn he'll listen quietly. If it was on him, he's even more remorseful. He's reaching almost a hundred years old by now, he should know better. Truthfully he had the same issue when he was alive, but he never meant to drive you to tears. You'll both sit quietly together on the couch, Dwayne rubbing your back until you've calmed down. After all is said and done he'll tell you how much he loves you, he doesn't want to leave any negative feelings still in your heart. Relationships are a pain, he knows that, but he cares about you more than his own life. 

Paul

Oh when you two go at it the gloves are off! Paul is the most emotional of the group, so when he gets mad all he sees is red. There will be a massive amount of yelling, he may even be fighting back some tears himself. He'll get physically frustrated, punching walls, throwing furniture, kicking things over. Yes, he might get in your face, and you can definitely expect him to bare his teeth at you. Especially if you're in his face too. By now it's not scary, just even more infuriating that he's trying to make to back out using intimidation. 

When you cry it can go one of two ways. It really depends on the context of the fight.

If you started it, or it was a mutual argument he may storm off somewhere in the cave. To him crying can be a cheap tactic to make him feel guilty, so if you've done it when you've done something wrong it upsets him… even more so because he feels like crap! He hates fighting with you! You're his kitten, his babe, regardless whether or not you started the fight he feels terrible seeing you like that. He's just so damn frustrated! After mellowing out with a thick ol' stick of the devil's lettuce he'll sulk out with his hands in his pockets. If you're still there he'll plop next to you and explain why he was so ticked off. Granted, it isn't exactly eloquent the way he puts it. After all emotions are tricky, he doesn't always know how to express himself verbally. If you've already left and it's still night, he'll fly over to your place and try to settle things with you. He doesn't want to go to bed angry at you, and he definitely doesn't want you going to bed upset with him.

If the fight was started by him, or if you're genuinely upset he'll stop. Especially if your tears are from him hurting you. Then it's all love. He sets aside his temper, and pulls you into his arms. It'll take a moment for him to calm down, but it's just a plethora of tender apologies while he holds you.

"I'm sorry kitty-cat," he coaxes you, holding your head to his chest. "Don't cry, okay? I hate it when you cry." 

If you aren't emotionally drained there'll probably be a lot of make-up sex in either situation. Once you two have made up, he wants to do everything he can to be close to you. Plus, he needs a release as well. Afterwards, he'll snuggle up to you still wearily mumbling apologies under his breath. 

Marko

Anger isn't a common emotion for Marko. Well, unchecked rage that is. He can get a little irritated, but it really takes a lot for him to lose his temper. Even still it's closer to David's methods than Paul. Again it's the context. If you've done something wrong or started the fight he'll be more prone to outbursts. 

While you're screaming at him, in his face he'll just watch you silently with a blank stare. On the surface he's calm. There's not a lot of yelling, but there can be some physical rage if you really push him. Marko would punch the wall and leave a crumbling chasm in his path, reminding you what happens when he's pushed too far. Truthfully he'd never put you in harm's way, but when he gets like this it's hard for him to stifle his predatorial rage that tends to poke through the cracks. 

If he's the one who's upset with you, even if it's on him, he probably won't let on at first. While not petty, he'll seem distant from you. In public he'll yank you to him like a wolf warning others to stay away from his mate, but alone in private won't touch you as much. You may try to ace your hand on his shoulder and he'd immediately excuse himself from the room to sulk. If you really get clingy he grows even more agitated and will have very rough angry sex with you, his fangs may even come out in the process. Especially if he's jealous.

 When you cry, it sucks. During a fight, after jealous defiling, when he intimidates you, it just sucks. If you step away from him he knows he's messed up. 

Part of him doesn't want to cave in so easily to your displays of emotion, but if you're legitimately hurt by his actions he'll just let out an exasperated sigh. He may excuse himself verbally for a moment to try and gather his thoughts, or he'll sit you down and try to explain his reasons for being so enraged. If it's on him he'll carry you to the couch and hold you to him. 

"*sigh* Look.. I'm sorry for going overboard the way I did, baby girl. I shouldn't have done that…"

If you cry after sex he'll feel like an utter asshole and hold you tight to him. He'll pet your hair, rub your back, even offer to let you smack him for being such a jerk. He may try to nibble your neck over kiss you until you start to giggle then give you his signature smile.

"There she is. I'm sorry I made you so sad, baby girl."

In all honesty this isn't a common occurrence. Marko still rarely ever gets mad at you, most of the time he's very laid back. So losing his temper is a bit jarring for him as well. He's never sure what will come out when he loses his temper, which is a huge reason why he does everything he can to keep himself in check. You may be a pain in the butt sometimes, but so can he. And above all, you're his pain in the butt. He still loves you more than anything at the end of the day. 

[the-resurrection-3d]

I guess I meant Luca's anxiety more generally. He obviously has anxiety problems, and Alberto couldn't possibly be the only extreme trigger Luca would run across. Alberto would definitely be devastated to think he hurt Luca by sharing his problems, but I'd imagine he'd pick up on other triggers that don't relate to him and Luca isn't so focused on hiding. And God, I wish Taco Bell would bring back the enchirito.

Sorry this took forever-- I was pretty exhausted last night. (Tuesdays got me like)

But you make a good point, and I think he'd take a lot of satisfaction in helping Luca try to mitigate them, largely by changing the conversation/"oh hey why don't we go throw ourselves off some buildings" to distract him. They're both adrenaline junkies anyway, so if Luca is gonna be pumped full of it, it might as well be the fun kind. And the movie already demonstrates that Alberto is very protective of Luca -- I imagine Alberto's controlling/possessive tendencies might even come out here because he'd rather take charge and try to impose a "fix" onto the situation than stand there helplessly watching Luca be triggered. (See the "Silenzio Bruno" scene.)

They truly are childhood sweethearts excellence, it makes me wanna chew through some insulation like a rat.

Something else that occurred to me now is how, given Alberto's reactions to Massimo in "Ciao Alberto," Luca starting to emotionally numb himself when dealing with Alberto would probably be really confusing and upsetting for him -- suddenly not being able to properly read Luca + a tendency of interpreting neutral expressions as anger/frustration is not a good combination. (On top of how being the only person having a Mental Illness Moment can make you feel even worse because it just validates your belief that you're crazy and overreacting.) And I hate to say that Luca would need to learn when to perform distress/horror at some of the stuff Alberto says, because it makes it sound like he's faking, but he'd definitely need to learn when it's appropriate to show his horror and when it's not. That's definitely something they'd need to untangle together.

[gone4neow]

MIGHTY | ⓅⒸⓎ

c h a p t e r t e n

- park chanyeol x oc

- mulan rewrite [very loosely inspired by the disney version]

- warnings : cursing, dark themes, extreme violence

- work count : 2,970

previous chapter or next chapter

——————————————————————————

Eunyeong sat outside of the general's tent with Baekhyun next to her side. The moon was officially high in the sky, accompanied by all of its twinkling friends. The general and his second hand in command had decided to keep the mole hidden in the forest until night arrived. Then, the escorted him back to the general's tent to question him.

"What's taking so long?" Baekhyun whined with a pout apparent on his face. Eunyeong only glanced at him in response. She was feeling antsy herself after the day's events. It had been half an hour and there was no sign of any activity in the tent.

"Does your head feel okay?" The woman asked after a few seconds of silence passed.

Baekhyun gave a small sigh as he lifted his hand up to his head. "It doesn't hurt as much as it did earlier."

"Good," the woman hummed. "I'll make sure it never happens again."

Just as she finished speaking, the tent entrance flew open. The general stepped out in a rush, only pausing his movements when he saw the pair of soldiers sitting outside of his tent. His eyes narrowed in annoyance when he meet Eunyeong's eyes.

"He won't speak to us," the man explained.

"Of course not," the woman huffed in exhaustion as she picked at the grass beneath her. "The other two we brought back with us didn't say anything, either. These people are impressively silent."

The general stood with his hands resting on his hips. He looked off into the distance for a few moments, his eyebrows furrowed with concentration. Baekhyun complained about wanting to sleep as they sat there unsure of what to do next.

"Maybe you should just go sleep. I doubt anything exciting will happen tonight," the woman told the man. "Besides, you should get rest after what happened to you today anyways."

Baekhyun didn't smack the woman's hand away as she reach up and pushed his hair away from the scratch on his forehead. A deep frown rest on her face as she stared at the small injury.

"Goodnight," the general suddenly snapped. Both of the soldiers turned to look at the man who was staring down at them with a scowl.

"Uh," Baekhyun gave a nervous laugh. "Goodnight?"

"Go," the general instructed the man. Eunyeong watched as the tall man lifted his hand and pointed in the direction of the soldiers' tents. Baekhyun scrambled to his feet and bowed respectfully before he trotted off to sleep for the night. Eunyeong went to follow after him, but was stopped by a large hand wrapping around her forearm. She stopped and looked up, meeting the general's dark eyes as she did so.

"Not you," he told her. The woman's face contoured into an expression of confusion. The man dropped his hold on her arm before he ducked back into the tent. Eunyeong hesitated before she entered behind him.

Inside sat Kyungsoo and the mole. Kyungsoo was staring at the man with a glare so hateful that Eunyeong felt afraid to even breath in the same air as him. How the mole hadn't spoken up about anything yet was a mystery to her. One look from the intimidating man would have her spilling her entire catalog of secrets within seconds.

The mole turned to look when the general and soldier entered the tent. His eyes lit up at the sight of Eunyeong, before they quickly narrowed with anger. This didn't go undetected by Chanyeol.

"What's the interest with my soldier?" He asked bluntly. Eunyeong blinked in surprise. Kyungsoo looked over at her, his eyes scanning her as if trying to see what the mole saw.

"There's a rumor circling through our group about a tiny soldier who stole away our men," the man began. "And now we have reason to believe the same man took the general from us when we finally got our hands on him."

"Ah, you've made quite the name for yourself - haven't you?" Chanyeol asked Eunyeong as he poured himself a glass of wine. She stood rigidly next to the entrance of the tent with her hands laced together. Her thumbs chased once another nervously.

"I guess my first message made it back to everyone," Eunyeong awkwardly said with a small laugh. The general looked up at the woman with disbelief.

"Of course it did, you son of a bitch," the mole hissed. "Now those men will never be able to return to their families after what you did to them."

"And what about your men?" Eunyeong immediately bit back, her hands separating and curling into fists as she spoke. "Look at our men! Look at the graves we've had to dig because of you bastards!"

"Hey," the general called out softly to the woman. She found his eyes soon after and felt her tense muscles gradually relax. The man motioned for her to join him on the floor of the tent and so she did. When she was seated, he passed his glass of wine to her. Quickly, she emptied the entirety of the glass down her throat.

"Where is your group located?" Kyungsoo asked the mole. The man looked over at him with an expression of distaste.

"I told you I wasn't going to say anything," he answered with a bitterness to his voice.

"What if we reward you?" Kyungsoo suggested.

"No," the man said instantly. "I won't betray my people."

"Do you think your people really care about you?" Chanyeol asked the man.

"Of course they do. When they find out my identity has been given up then they'll come back to finish you all off," the man remarked with pride. The general snickered at this.

"You're delusional," he told the man. "You have no value to them now. You're as good to them as a broken blade."

"Shut up!" The man exclaimed angrily.

"In fact, they'll probably want to kill you more than any of us after you've failed your job," Chanyeol continued.

"I said shut up!"

"We can help you," Kyungsoo interjected. "If you give us the information we need then we can protect you from dying. We can help you get back to your family. Wouldn't that be nice?"

The man was silent now. His nostrils still flared with anger, but it was obvious that the men' s words was getting to him.

"You know," Eunyeong started. "We don't judge you for doing what you've done - you have to do what you have to do to survive."

The man looked over at the soldier right away. Eunyeong felt her heart quicken at the gaze in his eyes. A grin slowly formed on his face.

"When my people come for me, I'll show them to you directly. And while they rip you apart limb from limb, I'll watch and I'll laugh. And when I make it back home I'll tell everyone about how I helped burn a tiny little bastard who couldn't stay out of everyone's business," the man told the woman.

Eunyeong felt her stomach twist. For a moment she felt as if she were going to throw up from the visuals that ran through her mind, but she had to remind herself that the man was trying to get under her skin. Obviously he recognized her as the weakest in the room, which made her an easy target. If she wanted to win this she couldn't allow him to get under her skin so easily.

"Go ahead and fantasize about my death, but just remember that it's me with the blood of your men on my hands already. I'm not afraid of getting my hands a little more dirty if it means defeating corruption," the woman replied gravely. 

The man began to shake with rage at her words. Then, he began to throw his body wildly while shouting loudly. Within just a few seconds, Kyungsoo sat on top of the man and delivered two fatal blows that sent the man into unconsciousness. Finally, he was completely silent.

"Take him to the others," Chanyeol commanded the man. Kyungsoo obeyed without complaint. Eunyeong watched as he stood up and began dragging the man out of the tent.

"You have a way with words," the general noted quietly as he poured himself some more wine.

"I got a bit carried away," Eunyeong admitted, suddenly embarrassed for speaking the way she had. Her cheeks began to feel warm and she wasn't sure if it was due to her embarrassment or the wine she had consumed minutes ago.

"I was impressed," the general confessed. When the woman looked up at him, she saw a small smirk on his face. This prompted a smile to stretch across her face.

"Is there a reason you wanted me to stay behind tonight?" The woman wondered aloud after a few seconds passed.

The general glanced over at the woman, the smirk on his face long gone. His eyes scanned her face as if trying to understand her curiosity. "I figured the chances that he would speak would be better if you were here. Those who have emotionally wounded us are always the ones to get under our skin the easiest."

"Ah," the woman hummed. "That's clever. I'll have to remember that."

"Do you plan to be in this situation often?"

"You never know what tomorrow will bring."

That was the truth. When the next day arrived, the general announced that it was time to get a move on again. While the other soldiers packed up the camp and prepared to depart, Kyungsoo and Eunyeong snuck away into the forest with their newest prisoner. They planned to question the man, but knew it would be difficult to get any answers out of him.

"Are you guys serious?" The man scoffed as Kyungsoo pushed him to the ground. The sound of his knees hitting the fallen leaves on the ground emitted a crunching sound. Eunyeong realized only in that moment that summer was beginning to fade away.

"You think a guy with an expression like that on his face is ever anything but serious?" Eunyeong asked the man as she pointed over at Kyungsoo. She received a glare from both of the men in return.

"I'm not telling you bastards anything," the man spat angrily. Eunyeong and Kyungsoo shared a look of annoyance.

"We'll see," Kyungsoo told the man in a voice so calm that it was almost unsettling. His words made a sinister grin break out across the man's face.

"What are you going to do, kill me?" The man taunted. "Then you really won't get any information."

"Don't think of yourself so highly. We're going to end this war with or without your information. It's up to you whether you want to die now rather than later," Kyungsoo responded to the man.

Eunyeong watched the man closely as he contemplated his options. It was interesting to see someone so deranged from reality try to cope with a stressful situation. There was no doubt that he was struggling to keep up his act. When his eyes found hers watching him closely, his fake smile began to fall. The way his eyes instantly grew darker was a dead giveaway of his feelings towards the woman.

"Who's going to kill me?" He asked. "Do you think shorty's got it in him? Because I don't."

"Is that so?" Eunyeong asked in amusement.

"Yeah, that pretty little general would be a better option. Where is he anyways? Does he always let others do his dirty work for him?"

Eunyeong eyed the arrow that was still stuck through the man's hand and stopped herself from releasing a laugh. "Isn't your hand evidence enough that he's more than capable of doing it himself?"

"You always have something to say," the man snapped. "I can't wait till I'm free again. I'll make sure to strangle you myself. I've daydreamed about watching the life slip out of your eyes for the last two days!"

"Enough," Kyungsoo grunted as he kicked the man backwards. The man released a sharp breath of air as his back collided with the ground. Eunyeong watched as her senior stepped over the man and pressed his foot to the mole's throat.

"If you don't give us information in the next minute, I'll make sure you won't live to share another word with anyone," Kyungsoo threatened the man. Eunyeong felt goosebumps form on her skin.

In response, the man began to laugh - though the sound was more comparable to a wheeze than anything else. The woman thought he was completely insane as she watched his chest shake.

"You want information?" The man breathed out. "I'll only speak to the short one from now on."

"What?" Eunyeong asked in surprise as she met Kyungsoo's eyes. He removed his foot from the man's throat and walked over to the woman.

"Let's try it. You talk to him and see if he speaks. If he doesn't, try to scare him," the man told her in a low voice as he turned to watch the man on the ground breath harshly. The woman hesitantly nodded her head in agreement.

She walked over and looked down at the man. He stared up at her with wild eyes. If she looked close enough, she thought maybe she could see fear swimming in them. It was this small observation that made her frown. It was true, this man was this enemy, but she had never paid much mind to the fact that he was still very much human.

"I don't want to hurt you," she confessed to the man in a gentle voice as she crouched down next to him. "If you work with us then it'll be easier for you. If you're afraid of the other guys, I can promise my protection to you."

The man rolled eyes eyes at her words. "I don't want to be on your side. I'm fighting for my cause."

"Right... and that's clearly working out for you," she remarked.

"When we get rid of you then things will work out," the man said. The woman blinked with surprise at the way it sounded as if the man were convinced his words were true. He truly believed that she was the sole reason for the enemies' loss so far?

"You think too highly of me," she told the man. "I was simply in the wrong place at the right time."

"You'll be in the right place soon enough. Hell was made for bastards of your kind," the man hissed. It was Eunyeong's turn to roll her eyes.

"You make it hard to be polite," she commented with a sigh.

"Then don't be," the man commanded. "Show your true colors, you demon. I've already heard the stories. I know what you're like."

Eunyeong glanced up at Kyungsoo, who was watching the pair with intense eyes. Slowly she lifted her hand and let it hover over her dagger. Her eyes were silently asking Kyungsoo for permission to take it up a notch. When he realized, he gave her an affirmative nod.

"You really want to take it there?" The woman asked in that dark voice of hers. The shift in tone instantly got the man's attention.

"I'm beginning to think you don't have it in you. You a bluff. A fraud," the man pressed on. Eunyeong wrapped her hand around the handle of her dagger before swiftly removing it from its place. She brought it to the man's throat in such speed that it caught the man off guard. His eyes grew wide and he began to squirm.

"You heard Kyungsoo earlier," she cooed darkly. "If you don't want to bleed out on this forest floor on this beautiful morning, then I suggest you start speaking."

The three returned back to camp a few minutes later. The general caught them before they could officially step out of the forest. He scanned them for any signs of progress and found nothing out of the ordinary until his eyes landed on the prisoner's throat. There was a straight, bloody line that wasn't deep enough to threaten the man's life yet it was enough to alarm any onlookers.

"We got some information," Kyungsoo announced. The general nodded at the news before he turned his torso slightly and gave a sharp whistle. Right away, two soldiers came jogging up to the small crowd. Eunyeong listened as the general instructed the men to take the mole and dispose of him.

While the man spoke, she looked off towards camp at all the busy soldiers. She spotted Bakehyun talking to some of his friends. When he caught sight of her, a wide grin broke out on his face and he waved enthusiastically. Eunyeong stopped listening to the general and smiled while she gave a small, subtle wave in her friend's direction.

The sound of someone clearing their throat garnered the woman's attention. She looked over at the general, who was looking over his shoulder at Baekhyun. When he turned back to look at her, he had a disapproving look on his face.

"Sorry, sir," she quickly apologized while bowing over.

"If you're so eager to join him then perhaps you should excuse yourself," the man told her with a slight bitterness in his voice.

"No," she rushed out. "I would much rather go over the new information than to help pack up."

Kyungsoo couldn't help but snicker at the soldier's honesty. She felt her face flush at the way the general scowled at both her and his second hand in command.

"Your honesty is admirable," Kyungsoo commented, ignoring the way Chanyeol looked at him as he spoke. The woman smiled at his words. It was rare for Kyungsoo to be in such a light mood.

"Right," Chanyeol sighed with a roll of his eyes. "Let's go."

——————————————————————————

a / n : sorry again for the late post. not a whole lot of chanyeol in this chapter, but i really wanted to kind of explore the relation between kyungsoo and eunyeong. i think their personalities will really help both of them grow, even more so than any of the other relationships in this story. it’s important to have platonic relationships like that in life guys! anyways, hope everyone enjoys the new chapter. xx

[stagecrush]

God's Own Country sounds/looks beautiful! Were there any more scenes that stood out for you? Was it a different experience seeing it the second time? I don't mind reading spoilers so don't worry about that

Hey all,  Thank you everyone for engaging with me these last few weeks on God’s Own Country. It has been an immense pleasure to keep reliving it through your questions. The film has seeped into my bones in a way it probably wouldn’t have otherwise. It still hasn’t really left my thoughts….

However, this is my last God’s Own Country post. Boooo. Don’t worry, it’s a good one. After this, I’m afraid I have to hang up my hat. Too many things to love, too little time. Also spare a thought for those following this blog who want to hear about a range of up and coming actors, but have heard nothing but this film for weeks. (I will still post questions about Josh…)

This is intended as a companion piece to my first post about God’s Own Country. Where the previous one is much more emotionally written, this one is a little more analytical. You can read all the previous posts about the film through the tag (there’s loads!) and I really encourage you to read the Gheorghe tag too as some great stuff has come up about him. 

Onto more thoughts. This is for the anons who have asked to talk more on my impressions, including the one that sent in this ask.

I started my first post with Josh and that’s how I’ll conclude. I’m a performance oriented person you see. While I like storytelling and quality writing a great deal, the reason I’ve always loved theatre so much is that intimate relationship between me and the actor who is embodying the character. I can get extremely carried away by it; I spend a lot of time in small theatres! 

So one of the things that stood out for me more the third time I watched it was that change in Johnny as portrayed so beautifully and fully by Josh O’Connor. I think I forgot just how much pleasure Johnny gets from his fledgling relationship with Gheorghe. That’s as gorgeously portrayed as the anguish of the emotions Johnny is feeling in the final scene that I highlighted in my last post. A review I quoted recently sums this up really nicely:

[…] once the romance has begun, Johnny embraces it with almost naive enthusiasm […]

Johnny’s wide eyed excitement is really enjoyable to watch. He has gone through this immense change and we’re along for the ride with him. At various points after Johnny has accepted his relationship with Gheorghe we see someone that is almost another man, sneaking erotically charged glances across a room, laughing, teasing and respecting someone for the first time. It’s secret and private and even when Johnny tries to be the man we saw at the beginning - sullen and moody - he’s unconvincing, broken down by a couple of kisses and malleable to Gheorghe’s will.

It’s no surprise really that some of the most stand out scenes are the interactions between the two men. That charged chemistry between the actors is incredibly believable.

I’ve touched briefly on it before, but there’s a scene in the film that is post-coital and it’s really a turning point for Johnny. It’s before he really changes in this way, but it’s probably one of the most important scenes in the film. It’s the only scene in which both characters are completely open both physically and emotionally. As they sit together, semi-naked, but comfortable, Johnny reveals some things about himself personally that it’s quite obvious he hasn’t spoken about to anyone before. This raw nakedness is really touching. He finds it hard to look Gheorghe in the eye as he speaks, picking at a scab on his hand as a distraction, but he draws in the audience, doubling down on our understanding of him.

Gheorghe understands this is a difficult moment for Johnny because he’s just got that empathic personality. And just as Gheorghe understands what a new born lamb needs, so too he knows what a potentially skittish Johnny needs. He stops Johnny picking his scab and licks it, granting us maybe THE most sexy/erotically charged moment in the film. (Your mileage may vary…) Johnny’s face is just the perfect mix of shock and a bit of arousal and a bit of WOW.

Performance. 👍

The other thing I noticed on my third viewing was just how much Gheorghe watches Johnny. I’d been put in mind to look out for Gheorghe’s feelings a bit more by the questions I got on here and it was quite illuminating. Gheorghe is pretty obsessed with Johnny from the start! 😏  His eyes follow Johnny around and they don’t really stop. I was struck by the scene between Johnny and his father early on in the film, where they argue and Johnny gets a telling off. Gheorghe hears all of Johnny’s frustration and disappointments in that scene, following to watch through the window as they continue clashing outside. It seems to me that Gheorghe becomes pretty fascinated by Johnny early on, observing him and understanding some of what he’s going through. While he doesn’t directly address it, his comment about it being lonely there is a tentative attempt at understanding who Johnny is and his sad predicament. His rough insistence on checking Johnny’s hand when he injures it is his way of forcing Johnny to accept his intervention. Johnny’s acceptance shows his openness to being cared for that then gets taken many steps further later on. It’s a prelude to what happens between them later, but I think Gheorghe has probably thought about it before then even.

I’ve written extensively on God’s Own Country now, so I feel like talking about any other scenes is too exhaustive. I’ve mention them all at one point or another! Thanks Josh, Alec and Francis for your wonderful film. I’ll be back in the new year when the DVD is out and we can discuss the deleted scenes and extras that better be on it! 

To everyone that is still waiting for the film to come to your country - I am with you in spirit. Remember, I was waiting for this film from the day it was announced that Josh would be in it so I know how you feel! And then waiting as it screened around the world - I’ve been there. But I will tell you that it’s worth the wait 1000 times over. ❤️