#watched to your eternity and god did this arc hurt me like a motherfucker

[sappho-rose]

:')

[lava-pops]

Various mine craft monsters and how I feel about them, in order of how long I ranted about them

I have strong opinions and time on my hands, and so I will subject you to the entire fucking essay. Please understand that in an unobserved, socially distant singleplayer state, and wielding god-like powers, some less palatable aspects of my personality have emerged. Rest assured the end credits told me I played the game well.

Slimes: I fucking love slimes. They don’t do anything particularly amazing but the fact that they exist delights me.

Phantoms: Beauty. Beau-ty. Fucking love these guys. All glowing like. Majestic. 10/10. Gorgeous night sky. Delight of the heights. Need 100x more of them.

Blazes: Love. The drama. The decadence. The burning ethereality. The alien geometry. The wicked Fortress. Fuck me up.

Zombies: I’ve accepted them. Sometimes you’re just going to get attacked by zombies. They used to be you. So you need to be more understanding. Mild stress and disgust mixed with grief and concern, but if there are more than one zombie, emotions are cancelled out by adrenaline and sheer bloodlust.

End Dragon: Fuckin sick!!!!!! What a beautiful creature. I just wish I could spawn a bunch of them, and baby dragons, and unleash them on the world. I’m still disturbed by how it eats Endermen. It could also eat them in a less bloodcurdling way, but I’m not complaining.

Ghasts: Morbid fascination. I find them really interesting. It’s interesting how huge they are and their odd little noises. Don’t judge me but I like to spawn them inside walls so I can hear them all screaming at once. It just sounds weird okay. I think I might do that with my sound up and see what my roommates think of it. Really makes you feel like you’re in Hell.

Wither: I don’t really mind the Wither at all, just because it helps me make places look authentically exploded. This would be a different story in Survival. I would probably shit myself at that doom sounding gong, then be so upset it literally ripped limbs from trees just to hurl pieces of itself at a pig until it was dead that I would quit the game and finally keep Minecraft uninstalled for more than 24 hours.

Creepers: I have cursed these aggressively many times and on my blog and really, I don’t hate them. Rather, I am in awe of them and the bottomless well of terror they have shown me I am capable of feeling in a split second. I’m in awe of the way they have demonstrated to me the brutality of nature. When I see one I hear the Metal Gear yeet sound, but there is no bloodlust here. I am but a prey animal who knows how to run. And sometimes I don’t know how. Sometimes... I just watch.

Vexes: Get it!!!!! Kill it!!!!!! *Fly swatter sounds* These horrible little mosquito bitches!!!!!! I love the wings and how it can phase through things, except without the murderous intent. During a sleep-deprived chaotic rampage, I was amazed to find that after all the mobs that had fought the Wither, this one was actually doing damage to it. How did I feel as I watched the Wither succumb to an eternally rising swarm of Vexes? I’m not really sure on that one. It was kind of like watching something die horribly on the nature channel.

Witches: I love them in a critical way. I totally vibe with them. I sometimes fantasize about living in a hut in a swamp alone with my ominous cat. However, my feelings were really hurt when they helped the Illagers attack my swamp village. It’s like, why would you hurt a Villager? Just why? If you have a functioning brain -- Zombies and Skeletons don’t have that -- how could you? On the one hand, I love how they use Minecraft First Aid on themselves, but it’s fucking stressful in a fight. It’s like, STOP DRINKING THAT STUFF!!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW HEALTHY YOU ARE!!!!! *knocks McDonalds cup out of your hands*

Drowned: Blessed. Listen. They’re so pretty and blue. One of the head motherfucker ones with the trident ruined everything, shoved me out of my boat just to fight, knocked my stuff over everywhere, hurt my cat and fucked my wife, and also I died and searched for my devastated livelihood in vain for three days, but I love that there are mini Poseidons everywhere. They’re basically mermaids to me. I don’t mind if they kill me a bit. I trust the ocean to be vaguely threatening to step into. And you know the guys with the little shells? Really. So pretty. They have everything... ancient little houses... magma... treasure.

Skeletons: Whereas Creepers activate my primal prey animal instincts, Skeletons just really offend me. I feel like every time they give me that shady squint and shoot their arrows because they won’t face a move I call Raw Mutton Persistence, they are saying, “Bitch.” They have faces that beg to be slapped. What kind of skeleton doesn’t grin? Be grateful for your bones. The fact that I am not galaxy-brained enough to have diamond bling and usually don’t last long enough to actually slap them leaves me with all sorts of simmering resentment that violently surfaces when I see them in Creative Mode. I think the most distinctive flash of indignation I have experienced at their hands, or rather, their shitty little bitch arrows, was when one followed me into the water and still tried to shoot me as their arrow went super slow in a pathetic downward arc. What is your fucking problem?!!! 

Illagers: Malevolence. Vengeance. They are certainly fascinating, compelling, and realistic, but god damn I hate these guys. They can eat my entire ass. I made a blue wool sculpture Illager style on top of their Outpost in the shape of a dick and balls and made a waterfall pour out the tip of it, and then I zoomed out feeling both smug and bad about myself. In fact if there’s a war crime you can use against an Illager, I’ve done it in Creative Mode at 3am in a quarantine-enabled inner void, hoping I’m not going to hear about it in the afterlife. Have I always hated them? Perhaps. You must understand that back in the day, when they first went grunting pompously around my swamp, I had no idea what the fuck I was looking at. I just knew it had to catch these hands. I didn’t know what a Raid was either and thought Minecraft had just become sort of intense for a little while. But I will always remember when they were standing under my Giant Wharf Prismarine Vaguely Religious Rectangular Condos shooting at my adorable Villager with his precious leaf hat (all of my Villagers are gay men) sitting in a boat not hurting anyone and I’m still mad, bro. They shall know my wrath