#was this even coherent idfk

[imeminemp3]

genuinely queer is not more incl i KNOW people who are uncomfortable w that word and using words that have been used as slurs against them and that is ALLOWED also it freaks me out to hear cishet people using the word. not your word. but lgbt is not hard to say when talking in a broad sense. bc people do feel alienated by such terms as queer. i do not think it's a bad thing to feel uncomfortable w ppl using a word that has personally been used against u, so comfortably. queer does not describe everyone. yes it's great it's been reclaimed along w other slurs but you have to remember that it still doesn't sit right w some ppl and respect that.

[braxlrose]

Ok i love thought of bill being so sweet to reader and just calling them cute little names while he fucks the shit outta them. That contrast is so hot seriously

Bill x reader with a praise kink?

IM A SUCKER FOR A PRAISE KINK OMMMGGGGGG 🤭 I also added in a bit of a breeding kink I hope that's okay

cw: praise kink (idfk if that needs a warning but wtv), breeding kink, swearing, etc.

"Oh fuck baby..you feel so good.." Bill moaned, thrusting his dick in and out of you're soaked hole. Your breathing had become uneven and your body was practically limp. He felt so good inside of you, his dick slipping and sliding down there, his slender fingers abusing your swollen clit.

"s'good bill...it's s'good.." you mumbled out, trying to keep eye contact with him. a small smirk came upon his face from hearing your little mumbles. he could feel your hips pushing back against him as best as you could. it was so fucking cute.

"Shhh...baby..lemme do all the work. you just gotta lay here. Let's get this pretty this pussy filled, huh? Wouldn't that look cute? You waddling around with your round lil belly, filled with my kid? You want that?" You looked up at him, biting your lip and laying down against the bed. You couldn't even think straight, he felt so good. His dick slipping in and out of you, the way he looked at you when you were all fucked out for him, not even able to mutter coherent sentences. He loved you like this. You were so, so sexy.

"Aww, look at you..pretty girl, my pretty girl." A smile crept onto your face as he fucked you into the mattress, the clapping sounds getting louder and louder. "Who are you, huh? Can you tell me, pretty?" He asked you, pinching at your nipples.

"Mmm..im...im..uhmm." he had a big grin on his face as you mumbled words around, staring up into his eyes. There wasn't a thought in that head.

"I know you can do it for me, you're always so good. Can't you be a good girl for me, or do you need a punishment?" You shook your head back and forth as he talked..nein..nein.

"pretty girl...I'm your...pre...pretty girl, billy. al'yours billy.." You said to him, stuttering and licking at your lips. He played a soft kiss on your forehead and caressed your cheek. His pace slowed down. That's right, you're my pretty girl.

taglist: @hearts4kaulitz @burntb4bydoll @spelaelamela @violentnewmarley @theyluvke @bored0writer

A/N: this would've been longer but I was frustrated before because this other thing I was working on got deleted 😭

[cillyscribbles]

i promised cats metaposting 2 bagpipe boogaloo and i am a bitch of my word here we go

cats 1998: the rum tum tugger + these hands are rated G for grizabella

(theory wank under cut call that catracter development)

(theory wank about munkustrap & grizabella here for those uninitiated)

RIGHT SO unfortunately this one is no longer semi-coherent overanalysis of microexpression but a full descent into conspiratorial madness, so please remain aware of the fact that this is a tangent missing textual support at the best of times. it's entirely possible and even likely that rum tum tugger is genuinely just a bitch to grizabella because that's who he is as a person and doesn't like what she smells like or something idfk. anyway.

welcome to my red string board of why rum tum tugger actually doesn't dislike her for no reason and totally has depth and yeah we're poor little meow meowing a white boy with more hubris than eyeliner, classic essay genre on tumblr, at least he's a catboy this time and the hubris-eyeliner ratio is actually a close call.

anyway, for any of my theorizing to make sense, here are the two headcanons it's all based on:

grizabella is an (ex-)wife of old deuteronomy and the mother of rum tum tugger (and munkustrap if you're so inclined)

grizabella left the jellicle cats at some point when rum tum tugger was a kitten or otherwise a very young cat

and honestly the rest just flows from the mommy issues to be honest. there's a load of alternate explanations and theories and headcanons and mine's by no means the right one necessarily, but i do have to admit the family angst it allows for is balls to the walls insane because it just. it fits what we see on screen so well!

look at this clown i love him. he ONLY does the puff-up at grizabella. and even though that supports my theorizing it's also honestly a bit of a loss i think. it's such an evocative cat-thing. i want him to do that when something jumpscares him lmao. i NEED him to do that at old deuteronomy jokingly and get cuffed on the back of the head by munkustrap for being a professional youngest child. anyway

don't get me wrong, the fact that tugger has a grudge against grizabella isn't anything special, most older cats do; hell, some of them deliberately walk past her Judgementally (bombalurina, notably) or shake their head at her in disapproval (jennyanydots), but it's so pointedly constant and so pointedly Pointed with tugger that it draws my eye. every time she appears, he has to clearly and explicitly broadcast his displeasure with the fact that she's daring to breathe at them.

like, she's not In His Way or anything here. he doesn't have to walk past her if he doesn't want to. he doesn't have to look at her; plenty of other cats pretend she doesn't exist when she looks at them. but not only does he do all those things, he explicitly looks at her and puffs his coat up again. he's walking at a fairly brisk pace toward her and actually slows down to do it. it's such a deliberately mean thing to do it's stuck between really extra and really petty. exactly the same with the jellicle choice scene.

my man's being so petty this should be constituted as bullying lmao. look at that! nobody likes you still! sucks to be you i guess! like. this man would be pouncival doing the fake pranks and scratching her if he was a kitten. he's just, constantly upping his level of mean to her. in the first scene he at least has the decency to walk out in the opposite direction of her.

a really professional youngest child. again, all that ^ is fairly grounded thought on character performance i think if you don't really connect it to anything, but i'm connecting it to abandonment issues for maximum ouch lmao.

so, bear with me for a moment: for whatever reason, grizabella leaves the jellicles, including her husband and kid(s). (if you're a fan of the theory about macavity being the third brother to munkustrap and tugger, i mean, she might've just left with him because he was her kid. i dunno.) and you're tugger. Baby tugger, even. you don't understand why she'd leave you. was it you? were you too much? were you not enough? of course not, but you're a little cat with a lot of pride and all the makings of a Petty Little Bastard in you, so you say fuck all that. i'm not too much; i'm actually more than enough. i'm the best! and i'll make damn sure you never forget it!

i feel like if you include munkustrap in that too it gets to be a really interesting dynamic. tugger's mean and angry and going out of his way to show it, and munkustrap is just kind of. "can we not do this" about it. really seems like he'd rather be somewhere else, but, i mean, welcome to The Unpleasant Shit being his job. professional eldest sibling.

she approaches him and he actively goes absolutely not oh look at that what a nice corner i'll just go stand over there. meanwhile tugger's determined to be all OH! OH LOOK WHO'S HERE!!!! WELCOME HOME CHEATER!!!!!! about it. like i already made a post about this so i won't get into it again but i really don't think munkustrap is all that mad at her, which gives tugger's attitude some nice contrast.

continuing with dynamics for a moment, i feel like tugger either has real Attuned Parental Figure Senses or is surprisingly perceptive for his character? this isn't necessarily connected with the point before, but i mean, he stops his whole entire number MID-DANCE MOVE to point out grizabella. he does do it with great flow though you must admit.

he loves attention!! that's established!! whether or not he's up for it at All Times we can have a discussion about (he really just dips out after his number to recharge for a good while lol) but he's here having the time of his life, BOOM one whiff of grizz and he's tearing down the party decorations, that's it, everyone go home.

i'd attribute it to him just Really Having That Big of a grudge if he didn't also kinda sorta activate his Deuteronomy Detect power during the lad's arrival LMAO.

look at that! he beats munkustrap to it! admittedly i can't see the rest of the stage so it might be that all the other cats already saw it and he's just pointing old deuteronomy out to munkustrap as the latter's too busy looking the other way. but it's still a funky way to get in character traits besides Mean & A Whore!

ok and another notable thing, and to me something really interesting, it that tugger never does end up touching grizabella, even though he has the choice to.

after she's first accepted back via touch from victoria, the cats sort of line up to show their affections too. it's a really nice scene in my opinion, you get the sense that all those cats really are happy to be able to take back an old friend and i'm all for it. but the cherry is that tugger is being Really Interestingly Acted here - he leads cassandra closer so she can reach out to grizabella, but tugger himself stays behind with this sort of blank expression over him. even those cats i mentioned before - jennyanydots and bombalurina - get the moment to hold grizabella's hands and smile and encourage her on. tugger doesn't do that.

grizabella doesn't touch every cat, granted, but even those she doesn't touch are reaching out to her, which is pretty much as good as. they all do enough of that sort of implied gesture throughout the musical that it shows it's affection and acceptance all the same whether or not physical contact is made, like for example old deuteronomy's greeting and the moments before the jellicle choice; the first one's posed similarly to grizabella's return, everyone's trying to touch old deuteronomy, but they're perfectly fine with sort of just reaching out and being reached out to (note mr mistoffelees and bombalurina). in the second one it's even sillier because both munkustrap and old deuteronomy could clear the like 10cm of distance between them, but the reaching and willingness is more than enough for that mutual understanding to come between them. basically intent > result (side note: this is not a good rule for life outside of the cats musical).

tugger doesn't reach out. doesn't try to get any closer than he already got and stays in the shadow behind the rest, just watching her go for a bit before he dips again.

with the way he's squashed behind asparagus jr here i can't tell if he's bowing or nodding or what, but i think it'd be really funny if he was just trying to make himself shrink a little. like hanging his head nope i'm not here don't look at me goodbye. so completely contradictory to his usual vibe it's hilarious.

it is interesting to think about though, in my opinion, that he spends pretty much the rest of the musical in the shadow and separated from the other celebrating cats. he climbs up onto the chest and stays on that platform for the rest of the show while the other cats are being directed by munkustrap to follow and then surround old deuteronomy.

it's interesting - he may be positioned above the other cats physically, but it makes him feel sort of separated if you know what i mean. there's usually this pretty clear separation between munkustrap and the other cats when they're on screen, they might crouch when he stands and reach out to him when he's talking, but this time munkustrap is just down there calling upon the vibes with the other cats, and only makes his way up to old deuteronomy's right after grizabella's gone and it's time for the closing number. rum tum tugger straight up bounces as they're going to the russel hotel LMAO.

he does hype her up as she's going up, which is also really cute. he's off to the side so the other cats aren't really looking at him, but even as old deuteronomy shows her the rest of them, grizabella's eyes linger on tugger's wee rockstar schtick and it just kind of melts me.

anyway. man may be conflicted but he's happy mum gets a retry whether anyone likes it or not. and i think that's nice. :)

[hp-hcs]

IM SO GAY FOR THEO ITS INSANE, Theodore Nott x ftm Reader PLEAAASE. Your fics got my kicking my legs and twirling my hair fr. Everytime i see you update I get so EXCITED

you are so fuckin sweet cmere lemme mwah 😚💋

this one is not particularly good nor coherent, cause it’s really late and i have no idea how my eyes are still open ngl but this request was just SO GOOD i couldn’t wait till tomorrow xx

scars — roommate! theodore nott x ftm! post top surgery! reader

how is this man allowed to exist istg

Warnings: reader has had top surgery, the author has not (yet); may be inaccurate idfk

requests r open mfs. be like this rad anon. request.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

You turned off the water, stepping out of the shower. After drying off, you realized you’d made a mistake.

You’d forgotten a shirt.

Not that big a deal, right? Wrong.

Two large scars cut their way across your chest. A source of pride for you, but one that still made you a bit self conscious nonetheless.

You could hear your roommate, Theodore, banging around just outside the door. You started to mentally panic.

Theodore didn’t know you were transgender. You’re fucked.

You cursed under your breath, buttoning up your pants and running a hand through your hair as you considered your options.

You could wrap your towel around your chest? No, that’s even more obvious.

You could ask him to hand you a shirt? But then he’d want to know why.

You could just hide in the bathroom until he goes away? That’s pathetic, no.

Cursing whatever higher power that gave you the wrong fucking body to begin with, you decided on your last real option:

4. Just act confident.

That was the stupidest option yet.

You chewed your lip, sighing before unlocking the bathroom door and stepping out into your dorm room.

Maybe he just won’t notice?

“Hey, Y/N, have you seen m- oh.”

Nevermind. You’re fucked.

Theodore stared at you. He was half dressed himself, standing there in only his plaid pajama bottoms. A quick spike of envy hit as you imagined what it would be like to have a body like his, one that you could just walk around shirtless in like it was no big deal.

It didn’t help that your roommate was also hot as hell.

Theodore’s eyes flicked from your face to your chest, then back up to your face. His mouth hung open slightly as he studied the large scars.

“U-uh…m-my sweater. Have you seen it?” He awkwardly recovered.

“On your desk,” you supplied, passing by him and picking your shirt up off of your bed where you must’ve left it.

He didn’t make any move towards his desk, still just standing still. “Er…Y/N…?”

You pulled your shirt on and started doing up the buttons. “Yeah?”

“What’s- what’re those from? Your scars?”

His hand suddenly came to rest lightly on your shoulder, startling you. As you turned to look at him, he snatched his hand back. Although you looked deep into his eyes, you saw no judgement, only curiosity.

“Top surgery.”

His hands, seemingly of their own volition, moved up to clasp over each of yours, effectively stopping you from buttoning your shirt up further. He slowly pulled your hands away from the row of buttons, letting go of your hands once they reached your sides, then unbuttoning the few buttons you’d managed to get done.

Fuck, that’s hot. You’re fucked.

Your shirt hung open, and he took the opportunity to push it off your shoulders. Your heart hammered in your chest, and you were convinced that you must’ve you stopped breathing minutes ago when he paused, his fingers hovering over one of your scars.

“Can I?” He whispered.

You nodded, unable to say anything. He rested his hands on either side of your ribcage, smoothing his thumbs over the ends of the scars.

You shivered, standing still so that he could continue. He held onto you like you were a prized treasure; something to be revered.

“Fucking gorgeous, Y/N,” he mumbled, seemingly more to himself than anything. “Prettiest boy in this whole damn school.”

Mouth hanging open in shock, you thought nothing of it before you were leaning forward and pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

Pulling away, your cheeks heated up. Theodore’s eyes were blown wide, and his thumbs continued their motion across your ribs. He leaned forward himself and kissed you properly.

His hands left your torso, instead coming up to cup your face. He kissed you with slow, promising passion, crowding into your space and practically enveloping you in himself.

You eventually pulled away to gasp for air, and he chased after your mouth with his own.

His cheeks were flushed, his hair a mess from where you’d been running your fingers through it, his lips swollen and red.

He looks absolutely gorgeous.

Yep. You’re fucked.

[anti-katsuki-lounge]

After reading the ask about wishing the other teachers had more presence, I realized how the other parts of UA is never expanded on. We see glimpses of the support class, but it's barely enough to know what else they do besides inventing yk? The school making their diff classes interact with each other would be a great way to teach them cooperation and communication needed for their careers, and could prob lessen the animosity between eachother. I wish the business course was shown more, cuz the marketing and branding of heros is so important for their popularity etcetcetecr. Like ud think the number one hero school would teach them things abt how to interact with ur community and work with a variety of people and go indepth on the work behind the scenes of heroes (also the Help Us Company in the license exam, I rlly wanted smth more of that.. instead of My Dodgeball Academia idfk. Anyone else get what I mean???) Hope this is coherent I rambled

Honestly this would’ve been nice. Hell, it doesn’t even have to happen in the main story. We could’ve had a spin-off that has the different classes interact.

[im-not-batman]

ummmmm, Ronance cars AU??? (I am so intrigued)

This one is so silly i love it! It's exactly what it says on the tin. I havent got anything coherent written for it but i have bullet points and lots of notes. So here you go! I apologise in advance, i write these usually when im high or jacked up on inspiration so theyre always a bit chaotic lmao

Crack treated dead seriously - based on art by @logicallyserial (i think their art is steddie though, and i coopted it for ronance purposes)

~Robin is a famous F1/Nascar/Stock racer who is driving cross country because she wanted to drive her super fancy car instead of getting a plane. She is speeding and then her tyre pops on a stone or something and she loses control of the car crashing into smthn and is stranded in Radiator Springs (Hawkins).

~Steve is Mater and fixes the car up

~Dustin has to be there like, legally , but idfk who he'd beeeee

~Joyce is Doc because bad bitch etc etc

~Hop is the Sheriff (sidenote are there Doc Hudson x Sherriff shippers out there??)

~Nancy is Sally obv - she runs the motel in town with her family but Nancy is the one usually working. Things play out like in the animated masterpiece Cars (2003), Nancy convinces Joyce that Robin should pay to fix the road or at least do some community service. She ends up thirsting over sweaty road worker robin because lbr who wouldnt.

~ stobin bonding moments! (Is cow tipping a thing people actually do?? Ask Crispy) steve teaches robin to drive backwards like in the animated masterpiece Cars (2003)

~Robin's big race is against Henry/vecna/one – who is all gross and sexist about her being the first woman since the sport became co-ed – and Eddie who is an ex champion, is super lobely but wants to retire because he's racking up injuries.

~Will is Ramon

~I guess that makes Mike Flo even though I will NOt write Byler

~Argyle is obviously the stoner Camper so Jon is the Army guy?

~ Lucas is Luigi!!! Max is the forklift guy I canny remember his name!!!! Gordo??

~EL IS RED EL IS RED EL IS RED

~ In the end everyone comes to Robin's big race à la the animated masterpiece Cars (2003) and Robin makes her base camp Hawkins for the rest of her career, she and Nancy fall in LOOoooOove etc etc

(mayhaps some circumstantial steddie towards the end. Robin tells Eddie that Hawkins is a pretty cute town to retire in if you ignore most of it lol. Eddie is intrigued and visits, meets hot mechanic steve)

Send me an ask with which of my WIPs from This Post you wanna hear about!

[lesser-mook]

Julie Winters is underrated (The Maxx *recommended reads*)

The Maxx, Watched the mini a few times.

I eventually read the story, some bits of the ending wasn't that well executed- the writer went to some very very weird places. But the main issue is it was rushed.

The cartoon & first half of the story definitely holds up, like everything before #21 was/is tight.

The story after the fact is still decent but it just felt off. Like the direction/cadence, how quick things were wrapped up took a nosedive.

Julie is one of my favorite mc's because of how messed up she is, she seems like this idealized, risqué hottie (the image of her *in the pink top & jeans* most of the internet knows about) but she's really got junk in the trunk. Serious baggage, not a nut case, but almost too real a person sometimes. Because she's even hypocrite to an extent.

And how messed up she always was, later we find out in the story. She's definitely not your squeaky clean feminist, holier than thou female character with a message to preach, she's as flawed as they come, with a bizarre intimate detail of some repressed trauma, insecurities (again) later on even after the show is concerned.

(There's an implication that she's bi as well, and again, the show doesn't include that because that's laaaater on. And again, it's implication because there's a character that's not Julie...but obviously is Julie. And the fact that her adolescent "sexual curiosity" on the queer spectrum is not a defining trait of her existence but simply one of many facets of her identity, good execution on that front. Because again, it showed up way later. If The Maxx was a 2020 release, her possibly being bi would be crammed in #1 as if that matters to her overall arc.)

So being a central focal point, that's why she works, she's fucked up, she's human.

Sara is difficult, the story gave her more to do to a point, but again the execution was weird. Especially towards the end, and I really liked her given how she was introduced very clean as an NPC then gradually came forefront. It read like OP rushed the narrative in the final stretch.

Reminds me of My Hero. Time constraints, exhaustion, boredom, idfk but the tone in the first half was solid (Like My Hero), but gradually towards the end, the pacing and writing performance just felt off more and more until it just got clunky.

The Maxx, still a good read, a good subversion, a good deconstruction of characters and the “superhero”, still coherent in the last bit, but messy. Eccentric as a whole for the most part.

[struck-by-the-rain]

idfk not a fully formed or coherent idea but like,,, kintsugi & karate joe just popped into my head... idk why im posting this even there is no further thought just,, idk vibes ig

[seongminiz]

omgmmfmggnng yes. “in a very fucked up possessive way” i’m nodding my head so hard rn 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

ummm yes i’m completely on board with the fish eggs thing tho.PLS don’t be embarrassed cuz im right there with u tbh that sounds 🤤🤤🤤 so yeah i like the idea of his cock🤭 like opening up once he’s inside u and about to cum.. looks pretty normal (big🤤 maybe some.. squishy scales? idk like ribbed lmfaoo) but yeah when he releases.. instead of cum.. it’s like.. spherical fish eggs the size of chicken eggs 🥚 and probably a lot of fluid too but likeee ok not to be weird now but like what happens after that in ur mind or are we just not worrying about it. like sirens and humans can’t mate right? so do they dissolve.. idk it doesn’t matter that much im just thinking…

that’s really hot though. pls. juyeon keeping u as his pet too.. pls.. like i’m thinking about how he’d keep u breathing cuz you literally need his spit and i’m trying to think of a not too gross like in a not hot way to think of that.. unless like.. he has something that has oxygen in it for u maybe i’m thinking into this the wrong way idfk😓😓

- 🧁 anon

aaaa im glad u didnt think it was too weird 🩷

omhshdjbf yes siren!juyo's dick has soft scales all over it for sure n yea they r soft but they still give some 'texture' to it n it feels so good when hes fucking u ☆_☆

n yeaaaa ,,, fluids ,,, eheh :3 like at the end of the day hes literally going to push his eggs in u n ig before that there can be some kind of ?? kinda precum but it works as extra lube (+ also has the same aphrodisiac properties as his spit ? maybe ?? eheheh) so the whole process is less painful >///<

tbh i was abt to elaborate more on the 'aftermath' but anything involving like .. pregnancy n stuff freaks me out so bad i was like uhhhh nvm lets not think abt it 😁 so yeah me personally i'd just go the dissolving route so we dont have to worry abt it 👍🏻

honestly idk how that would go !! like yea thats probably the only reason he isnt keeping u confined in whatever place he lives (im thinking like ? underwater cave or something ?) , he needs to figure out a way to keep u alive n breathing underwater first !!! bc as hot as needing to make our with him every .. idk 3 minutes or something is , thats too impractical !! idk im thinking maybe sirens have other ways to make humans breathe underwater but hes never thought abt it that much bc kissing was fine enough for him , n before u he never brought a human underwater unless it was one of his preys , but maybe he'll have to do some research n find a way bc everytime he has to bring u back to the beach u met at a small part of him dies a little bc what if u dont come back ? how is he going to find u ?? but even then , if u left n never came back he'd somehow find a way to go on earth n .. look for u in a totally normal not stalkerish at all way :3

(if this made no sense again im sorry 🫠 i fr cant formulate a coherent sentence today its tragic)

[moonmothmama]

slowly finishing part two of the nevers

just got through episode 9 (fever) and. it went to the sex club??

ok i get it you're tying all this shit together but BABY ALIEN IN THE VICTORIAN RICH BASTARD SEX CLUB? IN THE POOL IN THE SEX CLUB?

this show is fucking bananas. oohhhh my god.

Hugo is out here getting himself painted gold for an Olympian themed orgy while his abusive father dies. Lord Massen's Touched daughter is secretly alive locked in the basement but he might try to kill her. and all the shit with the Bidlow siblings. there's all this weird symmetry and it's like barely coherent. what the hell is this show. why am i so invested in this. it's so good but at the same time it's a train wreck. i would say it's gone totally off the rails but was it ever on them?

the actors are so good. it's beautifully acted. and the characters are interesting. but the plot has run away with itself. it's bonkers. there's so much- too much- going on. it's excessive to the point of being almost baffling. there are too many tangled threads. imho this story could be really good if it a) was stretched out over at least three seasons, thereby giving time to weave plotlines together and develop more than a handful of characters* b) was, shall we say, tidied up a bit, and some Questionable Decisions revised.

*- oh look! they remembered that Harriet, Primrose, and Desirée exist!

that said, i mean, here i am watching it, so. idfk man.

and just by the fucking way, is that the dead widow somehow reasserting herself???? whaaaaaat the fuuuuuuuuuck is going on here

there's three more episodes and i can't decide if i'd rather binge it or stretch it out for the next few days. which is worse? also, as usual, goddammit Frank

the scene with him and Lucy was genuinely very good

note: Nick Frost is fuckin chilling in this show. i hope he gets more roles like this one. but if that knife he gave the hateful bigoted teenage girl ends up hurting Myrtle i'm gonna burn something down.

no one spoiler me please in the extremely off chance that anyone in this fandom (what is it like half a dozen ppl) even sees this post within the next few days <3

ps- not shedding any tears for the colonel but neither am i cheering for the piece of shit doctor

[minquiec]

ARE YOU KIDDIHG ME ,!!?!,?,

I SPED RAN NEW LORE RAMBLE JUST NOW AND IM

IM FLOORED

AND THE NANAMIN REFERENCE IS FOUL MY SMILE KEPT DISAPPEARING MORE AND MORE THE MORE J READ AND IM LISTENING TO RICKY MONTGOMERY AND MITSKI AND THAT JUST MADE IT WORSE

ANYWAYS RANDOM THOUGHT/HC IMAGINE THE DREAM SCENE TO “OUT LIKE A LIGHT 2” BY RICKY MONTGOMERY (listen to it it’s like my fave ricky m song rn)

CUZ THERES THIS ONE LYRIC:

“Dreaming of our firstborn and your hair covered in popcorn,

You never leave (3x)

You leave me up tight”

AND IM TO LAZY TO TALK ABOUT THE WHOLE CONTEXT OF THE SONG BUT LIKE IMAGINE HER DREAMING ABT HER WHOLE LIFE AND WHAT SHE WISHED WOULDVE HAPPENED LIKE EVEN THE LITTLE THINGS

LIKE HER DREAMING OF HER FUTURE KID, LITTLE MOVIES DATES, OR EVEN JUST COOKING TOGETHER (BASICALLY A HYPOTHETICAL MODERN AUSHES MAKING UP IN HER HEAD)

BUT THAT CAN NEVER HAPPENNNNN BUT SHES JUST PRETENDING EVERYTHING IS GONNA STAY THE WAY IT IS (or she’s at least pretending everything’s normal :P)

anyways that’s all and jipunk has broken me and i sped ran writing this (so idfk if it’s coherent) BUT J HOPE I GOT MH POINT ACROSS

HAGSHWHSA she's jus like me delulu till the end 😞😞

AUEGHEHHHH SHE MAKES ME SO SAD THEY MAKE ME SO SAD I CAN'T DO IT

[wytheriing]

your last days oc

backstory under the cut except its not coherently written

imagine if there was a cult that worshipped this one Deity™️ blah blah. and when the apocalypse happened they all saw it as The Reckoning and them not being infected meant that they all were chosen to ascend. right so they all get syringes n shit and inject it and this shit was filled with some FUCKSHIT but it meant they were gonna hallucinate and then Die :)! but the person administering this stuff didnt have enough for themself :( but its ok they injected it into themself anyway theyre gonna ascend its ok they have faith in their god :) SYKE they dont die though!!! and they wake up and everyone is dead!!!! but theyre not disturbed. they see this as not being worthy. so they hole themself up in a room while everyone rots in their comfortable "coffin" of a room thats all fuckin. satin. and they watch hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of hours of tapes to brainwash themself hoping one day everything will click and they'll be good enough and they keep themself alive on their own rations and crops since. now everyones dead its easy to just feed one person theyre useful in that they were the one that administered the syringes so they might be a medic, and they also probably are real used to gore. who knows if the cult did some human sacrifice shit. but this mfer doesnt know how to heal diseases they just know abt injuries n stuff. death :3 like bro. imagine u go into this very gated off place (probably a big, big house with a church area inside. imagine sunny meadows from phasmophobia) that zombies dont even try to wander into since there doesnt seem to be any traces of living, and it seems looted but then someone manages to find an area thats like. hidden. and it leads to a downstairs and theres a pungent stench of DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but u go down and theres a bunch of rooms that imply The Horrors, and some rooms just have bodies but they seem to have died in peace and theyre all wearing white satin. and some rooms have like. mushrooms cultivating. and theres this sound coming from one room and its definitely like. the wrrrrr of an old TV. probably a weak generator. just for this TV. idfk. and its only playing this propaganda. there's more rooms but this one is the one thats making noise and after all the bodies you open the door and you just see this person with their back turned to you, blood all over themselves, veins blackened where they injected themself, watching propaganda and they dont even look at you

[k-ru-h]

ok first of all. i am sius #1 defender and i wouldnt accuse him of shit without proper proof but. i actually think its important to talk abt this. and second of all this is the only time im ever posting fastpass screenshots but just because the appearance of a character is extremely relevant

listen i know we're all very excited at the idea of a canon gay character in tog, but i really dont think this was the best of moves. tog has so far been mostly pretty alright with handling gnc characters (think how well aka was treated by others, khun being very feminine, etc) and i dont think this one fuckup will change that just. siu is a grown ass adult from a very conservative country and his portrayal of intersex characters such as evankhell or aka isnt very, well, "woke" (evankhell being the only lead brown woman while being "half man" plays into a lot of racial stereotypes, as well as treating intersexuality as a literal curse). i kind of wanna like , talk about this new "queer" character kaya (i saw ppl call him that online, idfk) and like. ill just go thru my points in no particular order idfk ive written too many coherent essays for school this week abd it's 3am i think i deserve a fucked up little one

ok first of all. jesus fucking christ what is this character design

so uh. heres our gay male character! with massive fake tits, lipstick and long hair! this wouldn't be a problem in media already filled with other queer characters, but on its own, especially with the character being darker-skinned yet again, it plays into a lot of stereotypes abt trans women, as well as brown women being masculine. and listen, i know tog has a lot of very wacky character designs, but it also has a lot of gorgeous ones, and while i really dont think it was sius intention to make a transphobic, racist caricature (istg you can psychoanalyse this man just off of tog alone), i think it definitely has something to do either with his own internalised racism and transphobia, or with a lack of education to spot a (hopefully) mistake by assistant artists.

here are some random ass caricatures of trans women i found online and by god i am not crediting this shit, but. look at what i mean. the fake tits, the dress/skirt, the long hair and lipstick.... the resemblance is startling.

but okay. lets say this by itself isnt important. siu made an oopsie and we got a canonically queer character that defends his right to like men unapologetically, and bam didnt seem to mind, and was polite abt it! weeeeeellll... the thing is, this whole fucking thing is a ploy. and if it turns out siu negates my previous point by making it turn out that kaya IS just playing a caricature on purpose because he wants the political advantage and isnt actually gay but is, in fact, homophobic, i will eat that shit up. that would actually make a very good point and having a critique of homophobia is better than having a homophobic gay character. but lets say he is gay for now, lets assume. that still leaves a possibility that he is gay AND just using bam, but lets just assume thats not the case either. lets say he's actually gay and actually wants to marry bam, for whatever fucking reason. bam being polite doesnt mean shit!!! people on twitter are unironically saying this means he's okay with being in a romantic &/or sexual relationship with a man when it literally does not. bam isnt okay with any of this. from start to finish, be it a man or a woman, bam is in this nonconsensually. and one of bams core personality traits is his kindness and politness, and he's been in kayas shoes before, albeit not for queerness specifically. bam isnt a participant, bam is a fucking reward and object and just as that one guy calling khun a "cute little kitten" while literally discussing how much his worth as a slave would be isnt queer rep, neither is this! even if the two of them are actually gay and actually attracted to the two respectfully, they still treat them as objects to be sold or bought for political advantage. someone on tumblr once said that a drag queen will always be a better ally than a gay ceo, and! yeah!

anyways, in conclusion, this is at worst an accidental bigoted caricature, and at best a very good joke on all of us. source im gay intersex trans and i actually go outside and interact with real queer people instead of having pronoun discourse on tiktok. thanks

[goldenrdkin]

Funky little peepol in my funky little dreams

I don't think I've ever mentioned my dreams here (maybe once? idfk), so I'm gonna start talking about them. I find them quite interesting, and they're strangely coherent with actual plotlines. Not to mention, this one in particular had a character I can't stop thinking about.

I'm currently thinking about my most recent dream. The beginning of it was jumbled (as usual), but quickly got into the "plot."

The Cattle Egret

There was a large white bird with a golden crest. It would fly around my home, landing in trees. I was mystified by it, chasing it below to get a better look.

What confuses me about this is that I never knew about Cattle Egrets until I looked up what I saw. I knew what Egrets were, but not this specific kind. And yet this bird I saw looked near-identical to one.

Familiar but Not?

Cut to what appeared to be an old-style building. Inside was where I met a familiar character. They weren't any of my OCs or someone I knew irl, but they had an almost uncanny familiarity to them as if I knew them from somewhere else. They didn't have a unique appearance either; you could probably mistake them for a generic anime boy (short straight black hair (kinda emo tbh), creme white skin, dark eyes, skinny...). And yet I could still "recognize" him.

He wasn't too friendly, though. Had an attitude and was rather reckless. He treated me the same as he treated everyone else in the building, so whatever I recognized in him, he didn't return to me.

I tried talking to him, but it didn't seem to go over well. All I got was a name - I can't remember exactly, but I believe it was Dorix.

A day had apparently passed in-dream, and I returned to the same building. However, I was told by another person I shouldn't be there (private property and whatnot), so I went around the back of the building and found Dorix again.

He seemed a lot less tense than his first appearance. He even opened up to me, and let me walk with him. I wish I could remember our conversations, but unfortunately, I can't.

All I know is that we grew close, and I got to see a much softer and more sensitive part of his personality. Who used to be an aggressive and spiteful person was now gentle and shy. There was more to him, more that I wasn't able to learn about. He had a life.

The End + Thoughts

Nearing the end of my dream was also jumbled (less so than the beginning, but still not nearly as connected to the plot). The environment was similar to that of the Hidden World, with a modern aspect. However, while everything else was drifting plot-wise, Dorix was still there. While I transformed into a dragon for this dream segment, he did too. He may have changed appearance-wise, but it was still him. I could still recognize him.

So... It feels weird thinking back on this. I had made a friend, a companion, all inside a dream. And now he's gone.

Normally, I slowly become aware that I'm dreaming. By the end, I knew everything wasn't real, except... Dorix. He felt real. No, he WAS real. He wasn't just some two-dimensional figment of my imagination. He had a life, he LED me through my dream. He introduced me to places I wouldn't have explored on my own. He felt emotion, made me feel emotion.

I can go on and on about this, but... This post has gotten long enough. Maybe I'll talk about Dorix again. I just hope I can see him again, even if it means rewatching the same dream from the beginning.

[praublem-child]

Fuck my body. I want a different one. Idec what it looks like, but I hate this sack of meat that barely gets pushed into functioning on a good day.

(This was in my drafts from August? Idk why I didn’t post it but here ig)

I had a college event today that was mandatory for freshman, and I went despite my nonexistent ability to function. I felt like I was dying the whole time, and the scary fucking thing is that idk if I could have actually died or not. My next cardiology appointment isn't until Friday and idk what's safe to do and what's not. Keeping up with the group had my heartrate hitting 188bpm, and it didn't go below 115 a single time during the whole thing.

The "meet your success coordinator" section was right after it hit 188 and I was so nauseous and close to passing out that I don't even remember anything beyond being asked my name and giving it. The next thing I remember after that was me almost falling getting out of my seat and losing the teacher in the halls when I went looking. I was supposed to work out my plan with her for the coming semester today.

Everything after that is kinda a blur. I know I spent it with my best friend and that I lost my phone at some point, but I don't even know when I lost it. I didn't make it to the class picture because I had to stop before I puked and my vision was so blurry and spotty that I couldn't see the ground in front of me. I sent him ahead of me and I don't remember anything again until he was handing me my phone and sitting with me. Then I called my ride to pick me up instead of even attempting to walk back to the parking garage across campus. I laid down once I could move again and managed to get my hr down to 123 before my ride showed up, and the trip home was slightly more coherent.

I threw up once we parked at home, and idfk what came up. I can't remember if I even ate anything other than breakfast and the smarties I was basically forced to eat on the trip home. I know I didn't eat dinner because I remember being nauseous and when my friend went through line for me anyway my hands were shaking too much to hold the fork. I had a few sips of water at some point that made me gag, and I think he might've gotten a few bites of a cupcake into me? That was just after we sat down though and I wasn't thinking clearly enough to remember it.

I got almost shoved into the shower after I got sick, and I passed out on the couch with everything feeling like hell and a migraine that was keeping me from focusing on anything else. I was put for almost four hours, and while I'm feeling a lot better, there's a strong chance that's because my heartrate finally got back down below 100 while I slept and I just finished a sandwich and took some meds. My whole body is still shaking, I still have a mild headache, and everything is still sore, but I'm coherent and not about to collapse. I'm also still jumping between 95-110bpm, and I really hope that that gets back into the 80s range by tommorow, otherwise I'm in for a miserable rest of the week.

Also, fuck anyone who ignored me stumbling and shaking. My friend said I looked like I was dying the entire time and only one person even gave me a second glance, and apparently it was someone he asked about my phone that I almost collapsed in front of. He said he also had to pull me out of the way of others like three times because I couldn't think fast enough to move and they were walking directly toward me without giving enough space to not hit me, let alone my crutch that was keeping me upright.

I doubt he's ever going to see this because he doesn't have tumblr and doesn't even know this blog exists, but like, I'm so fucking sorry. Neither of us wanted to be there and you spent the whole thing babysitting me which probably made it even more miserable for you. Ily, and you're my best friend. Thank you for keeping me alive today.

[consistent-self-destruction]

oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -