#was talking with my gf some days ago and i have gotten less violent in my head HELPDGF

[cosmicdenro]

thsc fans made me a kinder person wowie

[styloac]

venti pt 2 

honest to god, it kinda hurts that nobody really cares about me anymore. ive always tried to be the best person. i’ve tried to be there. i’ve tried to be good. people used to care about me. you know? when i was feeling down, when i was feeling out, when i felt like the only way out was death or worse, people used to care and try to help me. i don’t get that anymore.  im shouting into a void. i am a void. i dont matter. i just don’t. im a nuisance. my “kindness” is unwanted and only inconveniences the people around me. it’s always been that way. i’ve always been an inconvenience. i’m a fat drain on resources, on time, on money, on food, on life. ive been trying to kill myself since I was eleven or twelve, and wanted to die since i was eight. god that’s so long. that’s so young. and it hasn’t let up, only gotten worse. im waiting for the “it gets better” everyone is talking about. when does it get better? how does it get better? how do i get better? do i get better? “never gets better always gets worse” as the Giles Corey song goes. i know i matter to my girlfriend, that’s clear, i’m not fuzzy on that. i know my two best friends care about me. kinda. but those two feel all so far away. don’t feel like they’re on the same plane im on. and i just feel like i’ll drag my gf down to my level. i think my mom would be upset if i died, and my grandpa too, but i’d ultimately be improving their lives if i did. less food feasted on, more money to spend on important things like bills, less mess to clean up. and you know, im not a very violent person. i think everyone that knows me knows that much. i hate hurting people. i like to fix problems, not make them. but when i get like this, when i hurt this much, i want to tear things apart -- mainly myself. rip, tear, cut, shred, bash, smash. it’s been a long time, almost a year, since i last majorly acted out on myself and my scars are mostly faded. the only ones you can see are a few nicks in my shin from years ago, and faded stripes on my shoulder. on some days, i can see the long ones spanning my whole shin, or the stripes on my forearm, or on my thighs, but they’re so faraway it’s rare to see them. at this point, where the visible scars are and how they look, they don’t look like self-harm and can pass for an accident, like getting scratched by a cat a year ago or scraping my leg up on a rock. so you’d think “hey don’t make it worse, don’t add any more, don’t put yourself in a place where you have to hide your legs and ankle and arm again and have an anxiety attack when your mom wakes you in the morning and you aren’t covered up enough!!” but listen. i have a strong urge to. a deep urge, deep in my gut, wrapped around my brain stem, tingling and wriggling through every muscle and nerve in my body. every time my eye catches a blade, scissors, razor, knife, even when im in a good mood, it just repeats commands “cut, slash, hurt, hurt, do it, fuck you, do it” and it’s been like that for years, and it gets louder and louder the longer i go without it. and it’s extra loud when im alone. when im sad. when im dark. when im low. i listen to music to keep it down, to calm it down, to distract it. im listening to giles corey now. “empty churches” plays while i write this line and “im going to do it” will play before i’m done writing the next one. it exaggerates my feelings, put them into a near-corporeal format, sound does, but it distracts me. im too busy crying, choking, shaking, thinking, to make the action of walking to my dresser, pulling out my knife, and making work of myself. that’s too many steps. everything else is passive. so that helps. but how long will that help? a few times a week, i’m stuck in this rut of “oooooh fuck i want to fuckign kill myself!!!” and i force myself into a ball and listen to this stuff. this album the most. one day that’s not going to work. one day, my resolve will be stronger and i’ll lose to the urge. hell, maybe that’s tonight. maybe that’s tomorrow. maybe that’s months from now. i don’t know. i can keep myself from death for a while, i think. i still give myself milestones -- don’t die until after valentines day, don’t die until you finish your commission, don’t die until you finish this semester, don’t die until your old dogs do, don’t die until after you get to move in with the gf or until after the gf inevitably breaks your heart, don’t die until you see this movie you’ve looked forward to, don’t die until you get to have shake n steak one last time. milestones help, and there’s almost always more to add when one is reached. feeling like this is exhausting. its like climbing a frozen ladder to which there is no top, but letting go is certain death, so do i keep climbing needlessly or do i wrap my arms around the bars im on and accept this as my new life??? i don’t know i dont fucking know. but i do know im too tired to keep writing. im gonna bop 3 benadryl so i can sleepyboopie and feel a lot less lost and hurt and empty in the morning. maybe i can make myself a roast beef sandwich. drink a coke. hug my dog. these sound good. maybe i can play minecraft with gf, or overwatch with best freinds. maybe ill feel better.  

[inheritor-rebellious]

Unloading weight

I'm slowly growing towards my breaking point. I hate talking about matters like this, but it matters now because I don't give a fuck at the moment. At times, I don't mind being the good guy and that's a good thing. It's always good to do the right thing. Sometimes they're even right wrongs as they are wrong rights. After these past few months, it's been making me believe I don't want to be the good guy anymore........ I don't want to be nice. I don't want to be causal. I don't want to feel concern, bothered, show sympathy, be merciful, I don't want to be someone's escape or outlet anymore because I DO NOT CARE. Ok? (I am in the heat of the moment, so to those who read this who know me personally, please don't target yourselves from own current misery.) I'm just like shit. Everything's going fine for everyone else, yet I'm still trying to swim through this ocean of everybody else's perils. The fucked up thing about it is that I don't have a problem, but the problems of those around create those problems and those problems grip grab stab attack decimate and just rip me apart, even though, I'm minding my own fuckin business and I'm doing what I see to be right as well as always doing the right thing, but it's never enough and I don't understand. What does it take? Does it really take me out of the picture just to have some moment of happiness or are their hidden emotions? What do they really feel about me that I don't know? What is wrong with me that I have a problem that I'm oblivious to? Is what I do not good enough? Do my words really mean nothing and just based off the present moment of they view me, I will never matter meet some imaginary standards do the right thing just follow the rules listen somehow I'm wrong though out this situation or situations despite that I'm the victim that no one shows empathy or empathizes with. It's always ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME MY PROBLEMS ARE MORE SERIOUS THEN YOURS GROW UP THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU YOU NEED TO SEE YOUR THERAPIST IM SICK OF YOU YOUR PROBLEMS ARENT AS IMPORTANT AS MINE YOU NEED TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER GET A LIFE A GF GET A JOB WHY DONT YOU PAY FOR ANYTHING WHATS WRONG WITH YOU. Ok. Oooooooooooooooooook. I always question myself with how I just deal with these things, how I put it with it, how I don't off the deep end and just let off everything inside of me. So it's wrong of me not to pay for anything but I must keep giving more and more and more until I have no more and that's the right thing????? Is that really how people are about things like this even family? All of you, people, associates, friends, family, loved ones, you are all SELFISH. Just pure emotion, no logic or even type of understanding. It just makes me want to you know what? Don't even worry about it.......... I just wanted simple shit out of this year that was going good for me: a job longer then 2 months. An apartment and a car. Working on my dream like I always do and care. Especially what I think about all the time, I just want to fall in love. There. That's it. I could less if I was famous and well appreciated, but I wish I was that well appreciated right now but I'm not and never had been. It's like people never tell me these things like I've done a good job I love you you did good I'm proud of you you mean so much to me you are wonderful, I NEVER RECEIVE THESE THINGS AND THESE ARE JUST MERE WORDS THAT I HAVE BEEN FOR FOR YEARS NOW AND EVEN RIGHT NOW. I do soooooooooooooooooo much for the ones I love and it never gets what it deserves. Hell, I hardly receive rewards nor am I congratulated. I'm surprised I haven't gotten an award for not being acknowledged at all or known about this subject to other people. I will never stop loving who I love. I want and wish for great things to happen to them and even everyone I never even fuckin met right now. I always wish I had someone to check in on me, see how I'm doing, actually show the regard and feelings and the consideration instead of their selfish needs or can I have money can you do this why don't pay for this you need to start eating more. I just want to be loved. I want to date. I want to fuck. I want to have a big family with no regrets and just an honest dream fulfilled future just to make up for the things I don't have right now when I really needed now or growing up. That's what more important to me then being famous. I'm not greedy. Money ain't shit to me but I will never trade friends family or the one I love for anything else. That's the grandest treasure and my life changed 7 years ago. Even if I don't have the current person I'm talking to right now, I can accept it as it is and not a loss because the thought alone is but a beautiful life if we were together or not. It just wasn't meant to be. It's crazy because I'm taking my old love about my new love. I can't wait for the days when I hear I love you shon. I can't fuckin wait. I go through so so so so much bullshit with everyone and everything and I complain bitch moan groan die but I never quit on shit or people. I can't wait until I mean that much to someone. I can't wait until I hear and feel those words for real and it's not just hollow. I always lose but you lose something to gain something. But that day will end I can actually put a stop to it by my own terms and I will never doubt how I will do these things because I know my flaws. I know when I'm wrong, I know I'm an idiot, I know I'm probably a lot of things that you hate love resent pity empathic just can't believe it can you? Mom I love you but you can be the worlds number 1 bitch that really makes me want to flip the world or apartment upside down. I love you but if you cross lines that I wouldn't I will start fires that Travis couldn't stop. Dad you will always be grade one supreme lord man whore of all dumbass whack stupid motherfuckers dads on this fuckin planet. Tyrae always breaks boundaries and the laws of physics but you take the cake because you were before you fuckin dumbass. I honestly love my parents enough to say this crazy shit. You only love someone so much to the point where you want to kill them but you know it's real and you're not really out for blood. To my old best friend Byron. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BROTHERS WE'RE SUPPOSED TO FRIENDS NOT ENEMIES WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO US TO YOU TO ME THIS IS NOT THE PERSON THE MAN THE FRIEND THE BROTHER THAT I MET WHO CHANED MY FUCKIN LIFE 7 YEARS AGO DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT MAKE ME REGRET THAT SHIT I LIVE A LIFE WITH NO FUCKIN REGRETS NOW AND IVE BEEN ON A FUCKIN ROLL DESPITE ALL THE BULLSHIT THATS STILL BEING THROWN OUT AT ME EVEN THE SHIT YOU THREW YOU FUCKIN IDIOT YOU DUMBASS WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THAT SHIT TO ROB YOUR ACTUAL BROTHER YOUR OWN MOTHER AND THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO ABANDON WHAT YOU USED TO BELIEVE IN HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO US TO TRAVIS TO ME YOUR SISTER MORE IMPORTANTLY YOUR BROTHER DO THESE WORDS SOUND VIOLENT OR LIKE FIGHTING WORDS TO YOU DO YOU REALLY THINK I WANT TO HURT YOU OR ANYTHING THAT YOU THOUGHT OF I ONLY WANT ONE THING AND THATS MY BEST FRIEND BACK BUT THATS TOO MUCH ITS ALWAYS TOO MUCH WHEN I ASKED FOR SHIT. Rose I love you but I can hold on until the year is over and after that, I will make the journey to see who else is like you or someone more otherworldly. I can't go any further with these feelings because there isn't much to feel anymore and we both only know half the battle. When we talk, it's like we're already married and we're trying to fix things but I only sound much more insane because I only dream and think of these nice things together when in reality we're our own people and we know who we are. But it's time you finish what you started. I hate being angry. Sometimes by my expression I can't tell if I'm positive but I know I'm friendly honest cheerful and happy with myself because throughout all that I've written out just now you know I went and I'm going through a lot just to be like this and this calm. If I shatter if I break if I fall I will put myself back together build myself kill myself to be different then what I was before. (Not literally kill myself but figuratively.) "sighs" If anyone reads this, all I have to say is thank you for understanding or I gave you a show I hope you enjoyed it.