#was supposed to take 7 hour train ride on friday and then a 6-hour flight monday and then start my new job on tuesday | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rhettsooo · 8 years ago

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Friday, January 13th to Saturday January 14th, 2017- Gili Air, Mt. Bromo, Yogyakarta

It's on this day I say good bye to the enchanting Gili Air and begin to squeeze in more of Indonesia - or at least as much as possible in my remaining 6 days of travel. Next stop is East Java where Mt Bromo is, the next mountain I want to conquer... but first I have to figure out how I'm doing that... with a twist: while I'm literally traveling there. What I mean by this is; I have no concrete plans on how I'm going to get to Bromo, but the goal is to do it on this night, to technically see sunrise. All I have sorted so far is the ferry off Gili Air and a bus on the other side to take me to Lombok International Airport, where I've seen online many flights departing that work in my favour, so I'm taking my odds and going in just a little blind. The ferry was the easy part: a short 20 minutes on a 20 person fishing-like boat. Nothing like the 'fast boat' we took to the island-- in fact the exact opposite. In the harbour on the other side, it was a slight panic as locals greeted the boat asking arriving passengers if they needed transport, which was me, but I had transport pre-arranged as part of shuttle bus, so I struggled for a couple minutes cutting through the noise to hear what was relevant for me and found MY guy pretty easily. An older couple, maybe 50 years old and German, were also on a similar trajectory. They ended up with MY guy too, but their struggle was laughable and entertaining to watch. He (of the couple) had a face that was permanently grumpy (imagine grumpy cat, but on a man) and the woman would always look to him for guidance or direction, but he hadn't a clue. His grumpy face would sometimes gain an injection of confusion or difficulty as he tried to manage their huge piece of luggage off this little fishing boat and on to the beach and then finding THE guy he needed. I think I got such entertainment from this couple because they seemed like the 'all-inclusive resorts' type; you know the type that wants everything done for them and wants to just relax without stress. Thus, they weren't ready for the spice to life island life brings ;) We (myself and this German? couple) wound up with the same GUY, who directed his friends(?) to grab their luggage - since they were struggling - and we all went to a horse-drawn carriage that we maxed out with us four bodies (our GUY, this couple, and myself) and our luggage. It was pretty funny. Especially when the couple didn't want to tip the dude carrying their luggage for him. Shame on him. So we're all in this carriage for about 20 minutes as we trust that this GUY is legit and actually taking us to our bus...which he did :) We waited for the bus for an hour, which was great because I could get some breaky and find some WiFi to figure out how I'm getting to Bromo. I found some tours that included airport pick up, hotel, trek up Bromo, and drop off where ever I wanted, so sent maybe 6 email inquiries hoping that one of them would reply by the next time I reach WiFi, and not to mention could pick me up in like 10 hours at this point. The bus to the airport was long. Very long. I tried to relax, but the windy roads quintupled with the crazy driving wouldn't allow. Did I mention that drivers pass other drivers at any moment. Regardless of lines, corners, oncoming traffic, etc, they'll give warming with a tap on the horn and somehow pull it off. At the airport I found the ticket office for LionAir, the cheaper of the airlines I uncovered earlier, and bought a ticket with a sigh of relief. Now to figure out what's happening on the other side of this flight. I found WiFi and welcomed two replies in my inbox, so now it was a race between them to see who I can confirm first....and with two hours to spare before my flight departed, I confirmed a driver to pick me up and the whole nine yards. WOO WOO Yes the price was a little more than what I would've liked, but I got exactly what I wanted and nothing more or less-- my itinerary was perfect. Since I had some stress free time before my flight, I started thinking about the other side of Bromo, so what the fuck I was going to do tomorrow after the sunrise trek and essentially where I was going to be dropped off. I knew I wanted to go to Yogyakarta in Central Java next, but hadn't a clue how I was going to get there, so I did some digging and found a train! At a fraction of the cost of a plane, but about 5 times as long, the train schedule lined up perfectly; I couldn't have planned it better. So in full, the day would look like this; 1) Ferry from Gili Air to Lombok 2) Shuttle bus from the harbour to the airport 3) Plane to Surabaya airport in East Java 4) Driver from Surabaya to Mt. Bromo 5) Driver from Mt. Bromo back to Surabaya 6) Train from Surabaya to Yogyakarta ^^fun note: this all happens within about 36 hours of each other. Crazy right! After the dull plane ride and the crazy drive from the airport in the rain and traffic to Bromo, I checked into my hotel at about midnight, so I'm now into the next day and have ~4 hours until we leave for sunrise over Mt Bromo. With nothing more than a nap, my driver and I left for a 20min drive to base camp for going up. It was dark. Wet. And cold. Like Canada cold, but luckily I knew what I was doing and bundled up with my touque and gloves and lots of layers. My driver dropped me at the trail and gave me some loose directions. Although it was just me - technically, there dozens of others trying to catch the sunrise from the top too, so I followed the path while keeping an awareness of what the other groups were doing to not go anywhere I wasn't suppose to. The first 30 min of walking up a gradual hill of gravel road was easy and spat out at the first of two view points. This particular one wasn't anything special - besides it being pitch black; you would just see the town below and the crater around the volcano. Oh yeah, Mt. Bromo is an active valcano. So I kept on keeping on up the next bit of the climb. It turned to steps, kind of, for another 45min or so to the top. But it wasn't really the top, it was a peak called Seruni Point. Yes, you could keep going up, but it would have been some serious bushwacking and very vertical. It was here that I chilled and watched sunrise. I found a good spot and struck conversation with this group of kids that had rode their motorbikes over night for 6 hours in the rain to catch the sunrise...crazy kids! I told them I/we are the same: going to crazy distances/lengths to catch the sunrise. The sun itself created a nice glow on the town below and the crater beside us. Although it was stuck behind the rain clouds for a bit, it showed its face and provided some good photo opps. I revealed in its glory, once again being reminded on a) how fucking fortunate I am to be enjoying this moment and b) how the fuck did I pull this off -- hahaha Now the sunrise wasn't the most exciting I had seen on the trip, it was the most illuminating, meaning now that it was light out, I truly got perspective: Although I thought I was going up Mt. Bromo, I had climbed Mount Penanjakan and gotten to Seruni Point, which is the mountain next to Bromo. The sun rose over Bromo and it's crater and the village of Cemoro Lawang below. The crater I was looking out to actually housed my hotel, among other buildings of the village. (An appreciation I didn't have until now and then to be reaffirmed by Dad via text later). If I wanted to check out Bromo, it would require a few more hours to not only descend Mt. Penanjakan and drive back to the village, but a walk across the Sea of Sand and only then be able to elevate myself on Mt. Bromo, physically. Now as much as I wanted to do all of this, it was beginning to rain like a mutha fucker (and if I've learned anything on the trip, it's that when it rains, it pours) and as ready as I was for rain - umbrella, jacket, boots, etc - I wasn't feeling it. And in actual fact, I was feeling like I had done what I came for: to see the sunrise and Mt. Bromo. *Looking back as I write this and read more about Bromo after the fact, I kinda wish I wasn't a big baby and just did it. But, now I have a reason to bring go back, but with company this time* Anywho, the sunrise ended and I have to check out of this hotel, but first it's time for breakfast and figuring out this train situation... Nowhere online would let me book a train ticket and no blog or equivalent was helpful, so I asked real people: first my driver, who had no clue, then the hotel desk, which also had no clue, but he asked his friend who said you can get them at the Indomaret (Seven Eleven of Indonesia). "OK, so the Indomaret eh, I can roll with that", I was thinking, so got my driver to make the stop en route to the train station. At the first Indomaret, there system was down, so couldn't help. The second Indomaret taught us that you can't buy train tickets on the day of departure unless you're at the station. Oooooooo kaaaaay, I guess I'm taking a leap and getting dropped off at the station hoping there's a ticket for me-- which there was! WOO WOO! Once I grabbed my ticket, I found a snack at Dunkin Donuts - which is super popular in Indonesia, alongside KFC - in case you were wondering - and hijacked their WiFi to find accomodation after this train in Yogyakarta. I found this quaint homestay 25min walk from the train station, in a relatively central neighbourhood at a great rate. Boom! I now had somewhere to sleep for the next few days, phew. The train was fun and really long. Like 7 hours long. But it was fun. There were lots of kids who took a fancy to me and I sat across from a young couple and their newborn, whom spoke English well enough for continued conversation. It gave me time to read and have a breath. Arriving in Yogyakarta at about 9pm in a slight drizzle of rain, I took to the streets on foot to get a sense of the city, the neighbourhood, and the people before calling it a night. My homestay turned out to be in an even-better-than-expected neighbourhood close to little street venders, big clothing stores, food, ATMs, etc, all the while being out of sight and very quiet. Although this place cost a few bucks more a night than a hostel, I had my own room, which was heavenly for a change. (I hadn't had my own room since Vietnam). And with that, I could sleep with ease! Especially since I'd never been more tired on this trip than now and felt like sleeping for an entire day! So I did! After leaving Gili Air 40 hours ago at this point which included 1 ferry, 1 plane, 1 train, two longs drives, a mountain, and shit ton of walking, I called it a night. BOOM! Another great series of adventure, wonder, and suspense :)

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fashiontrendin-blog · 6 years ago

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How I Avoided Sunday Scaries Last Week: A Detailed Account

http://fashion-trendin.com/how-i-avoided-sunday-scaries-last-week-a-detailed-account/

How I Avoided Sunday Scaries Last Week: A Detailed Account

This Sunday Scaries diary starts in the middle of the night…

4:30 a.m.

I wake up to Avi getting out of my bed and leaving the room. I presume he’s moving to the couch, which he occasionally does when he’s having insomnia and is nervous about waking me up. I lay awake for 30 minutes, mind turning over the previous day. When I hear him stir, I say that I’m awake too, and he joins me back in bed. We talk for the next hour about life — what’s keeping us up, what’s exciting us, getting us down — and eventually both drift off to sleep.

9:50 a.m.

I wake up to Avi’s voice: “My mom’s flight just landed.”

“What time is it?”

“9:50.”

“She’s early.”

“Yeah. I gotta go. I’ll call you.”

He pulls on his pants, kisses my check and is gone.

10 a.m.

I lay in bed and consider falling back asleep. I had a rough couple nights of sleep and have been playing catch-up. When I realize it’s not going to happen, I succumb to the blue light and check my phone. It’s dead. The memory of last night returns: My charger wasn’t plugging in properly, as if there was something stuck in the inlet. I grab my phone, my sewing kit, and make my way to the couch.

10:21 a.m.

I’ve been using various tools to dig something out of the charging port of my phone for 20 minutes. It looks like cookie dough. I’m squinting and trying to see inside. I don’t test it until I’m confident it feels clean. When I finally try the charger, it works. Hurray! Blessed be the fruit.

10:24 a.m.

I decide to make myself a smoothie bowl, which have a reputation for being snooty and expensive, but which I think might be the hidden secret of breakfast. The ones I make are cheap, healthy-ish, delicious and don’t require fresh food. Here’s how I make them:

-One frozen banana (I keep a bowl of them in my freezer at all times) -A big handful of whatever frozen berries I have on hand (usually blueberries, strawberries and raspberries) -A few glugs of almond milk (I buy cartons two at a time and they last forever) -A tablespoon of flax seeds (or chia seeds, or whatever seeds) -Blend until smooth -Top with honey, gluten-free granola, goji berries

As the blender roars, I make up a story in my head about my neighbors hating the all-too-frequent sound and having an inside joke about how much they hate me. When it’s done, I return to the couch with my bowl. I reach for the remote but stop myself and grab a book instead. I’m reading Eileen by Ottessa Moshfegh.

“Reading makes me happier than TV,” I announce to an empty room, like a weirdo.

10:45 a.m.

I’m still reading Eileen. It’s good.

11 a.m.

I suddenly occurs to me, mid-page, that there were two Man Repeller stories I was supposed to finish editing on Friday but didn’t. I drag my computer to the couch and get to work on editing what will eventually become 12 Home Decor Tips I Can’t Stop Thinking About and Why “Black Girl Magic” Doesn’t Always Sit Right With Me.

11:22 a.m.

My brother Andy FaceTimes me mid-edit. He’s smooshed into his couch too. We rehash the picnic we had last night at Transmitter Park. He had to leave early and wants to know what he missed. He has a general existential fear of missing out, which always makes me laugh because I don’t know anyone who does as much fun and interesting stuff as he does.

12:35 p.m.

I finish editing and suddenly remember I’m supposed to be recording my day today for Man Repeller’s Sunday Scaries franchise. I spend the next 15 minutes documenting the above. Now I need to rush to get ready to meet up with Avi and his mom for lunch.

12:55 p.m.

I shower off but decide not to do anything with my hair as it looks fine. For my skin, I put on EasyDew Active Soothing Serum mixed with The Nue Co vitamin-C power to start, followed by Honest Beauty Nourishing Lotion, then Glossier sunscreen mixed with a drop of Drunk Elephant bronzing liquid, and finish with Glossier Cloud Paint in Haze. Then I move to my closet to get dressed.

1:19 p.m.

Omg. That took me forever and I don’t even like my outfit. I panicked! How does one dress for a day with one’s boyfriend’s mother when one has no idea what the day entails? After trying a basic dress and sandals and realizing I felt entirely unlike myself, I put on navy blue wide-leg pants I haven’t worn in a year and a black puff-sleeve shirt. I feel very whatever about this outfit but I have no further time to deliberate or I’ll be late!

1:25 p.m.

IT IS VERY HOT. Why am I wearing pants? Why am I wearing such dark colors? I’m fired.

1:42 p.m.

I arrive at Avi’s looking so hot and sweaty his mother immediately dotes on me — bringing me water, sitting me in front of the air conditioner, etc. It’s very sweet. Avi says he’s calling a car because we’re going to Jackson Heights! As they put on their shoes, I run downstairs and buy myself an iced coffee.

1:58 p.m.

Avi, his mother Rita and I are squeezed into the back of a car on our way to Queens. Rita and I are discussing how chubby Avi was as a baby. She says her doctor put him on a diet at six weeks old! Apparently he was taking down double the milk he was supposed to. This delights me to no end.

2:25 p.m.

We arrive at Sri Maha Vallabha GanaPati, a Hindu temple in Queens — said to be one of the first Hindu temples in the U.S. (Also, did you know some people call Queens one of the most diverse places on Earth? The whole neighborhood is incredible and feels completely different depending on where in the borough you are.)

We remove our shoes before entering the temple and I take note of a sign that says shorts and ripped jeans are prohibited. I’m suddenly thankful for my full-coverage outfit. Avi and I walk around looking at the shrines, leaving his mother to pray on her own. I’m struck by one of the plaques that reads: “When I study, grant me success (by means of right understanding) always.” I make a mental note; I like that definition of success.

2:53 p.m.

After we leave, we head to the temple canteen for lunch, which Avi heard serves the best Dosa in New York. The canteen is underground, looks like a cafeteria and smells delicious. We order too much food, confirm it is indeed the best dosa, and spend the meal discussing Indian politics, Avi’s mother’s argument with Avi’s father about what car to buy next, and Avi’s mother’s similarities to my mother.

4:09 p.m.

After a long lunch, we head out. Next we are going to Patel Brothers, which is the largest Indian American supermarket chain in the U.S. It’s a mile away. We decide to walk because it’s beautiful out. I’m not worried about a thing, except that my brother missed out on lunch. (He’s been talking about going to Jackson Heights for months.)

Avi and I are laughing because we can’t seem to get 10 feet without his mother stopping to identify a plant and discuss its properties. It’s very charming.

Avi: “Mom, you’re too Michigan. Have you ever walked a mile straight?”

Rita: “This is the simple life, Avi. You should learn it.”

4:28 p.m.

We arrive at Patel Brothers. I follow the two of them around like a puppy, laughing in delight as they argue about things like whether Avi needs a 50-pound bag of rice. At times I can’t tell who is trolling who.

5:04 p.m.

All done! When we walk outside, it feels like it’s going to rain, so I call us a car home. The train would take double the time, unfortunately. When it arrives, we pile in for a 40-minute ride back to Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn, where we both live.

5:32 p.m.

On the drive home, I feel a vague fondness for driving on the highway. I don’t do it much. The car is lulling me to sleep. Our middle-of-the-night antics are catching up to me.

6:11 p.m.

We are home! Took much longer than expected. I immediately crank Avi’s A/C unit and put on one of his sweatshirts — I’m in the mood to be cozy. Avi puts on a Michael Bublé holiday music video as a joke to tease his mom, who he claims loves Bublé, which she denies. We pretend it’s Christmas for three minutes while Rita makes us tea.

6:40 p.m.

Tea’s up. Avi puts on Jaws for our afternoon nap time, for no discernible reason.

6:57 p.m.

Wow, the aesthetic of Jaws is amazing. The whole thing looks like it’s been run through a Huji filter, and the clothes are on point too. Avi gets up to cook, leaving me and Rita on the couch as she critiques every scene aloud, which is making me laugh.

Rita: “This is bad direction, no?”

7:47 p.m.

The light is dwindling outside. The house is filling with the smell of garlic. Tomorrow is Monday. I wish tomorrow was Sunday instead.

8:38 p.m.

I decide I would watch any movie with Rita commentary turned on.

8:45 p.m.

Jaws ends right as Avi brings us plates of food: sesame wings over rice with pickled carrots (a recipe he’s been perfecting this month that he found on Smitten Kitchen). He puts on cooking videos while we eat. He’s a good TV host — always picking random entertaining things to put on during downtime. The three of us watch a video of a person making cheesecake, and then cookies, and then a home-made iced latte. During the third one, as the guy goes to great lengths to roast his own coffee beans, Rita expresses her disapproval:

Rita: “No way.” Avi: “What ma?” Rita: “Why would you do all this? You can just buy one.” Avi: “He’s not doing it because he wants a coffee, he’s doing it because he wants to do it.” Me: “He’s stopping and smelling the roses!” Rita: “I think he needs to go to a third world country and see what’s really important.”

Fair enough.

9:17 p.m.

I wash Avi’s dishes as a thank you for cooking for us and then pack up to head home. My eyes are stinging, I think from the sunscreen I put on earlier that morning; it’s making me feel exhausted. Or maybe I’m just genuinely exhausted.

9:27 p.m.

Avi walks me to the train and waits on the platform with me until it comes. We chat and reflect on the day until the very last second, at which point I kiss him and run onto the train car. He watches me go. It’s all very old-timey.

9:41 p.m.

Hello home! Hello Bug.

10 p.m.

I put on PJs, brush my teeth and do my skincare routine right away because I know if I sit down on the couch now I’ll never get up. On my skin, I use Paula’s Choice cleansing oil to start, then Glossier face wash followed by Peach & Lilly toner, and then finish by mixing Caudalie face cream with a couple drops of Drunk Elephant face oil (I’ve been dry lately).

10:11 p.m.

I sit down on the couch and solve the Rubick’s cube on my coffee table in under three minutes, my latest party trick. Someone sent a Rubick’s cube to the Man Repeller office this summer and I took it home because I’ve always wanted to learn how to solve one. About a month ago, Avi and I decided to dedicate an entire night to learning. Hunched over a Youtube tutorial we figured it out together, and we’ve spent the last few weeks trying to beat each other’s times.

10:35 p.m.

I’m in bed now. I set my alarm for therapy tomorrow morning. I normally go on Friday mornings but I was sick last week so my therapist kindly rescheduled. I grab Eileen to read myself to sleep.

10:37 p.m.

Wait! I forgot to meditate. I open Headspace and do a five-minute session laying down, which I think is cheating. It’s a miracle I didn’t fall asleep.

10:42 p.m.

Okay, now it’s actually bedtime. Night!

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adambstingus · 6 years ago

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Seriously Gross: 19 True Tales Of Horrifying Bathroom Emergencies

1.Shark Attack Survivor

“There’s nothing worse than walking down a street, minding your own business, when you feel the sticky warmth of blood running down your legs, safe in the knowledge that you have forgotten to pack any sanitary products, and recently spent the entirety of your money on christmas presents. By the time I made it to a bathroom to stuff tissue in my underwear, I looked like the survivor of a shark attack.”

2.A Personal Nightmare

“This is true. I remember it awkwardly at least once a day. It hurts my soul.

I went to a friends wedding in a small town far away. We drank beyond what any sane people would drink that Friday night, got up hungover, he gets married, then we hit the reception. I black out and my buddy drives us back to the room. I wake up in my tux about two hours before my plane is to depart. Haul ass to the airport with my friend, both tremendously hungover. We get through security and I am so nauseated I cannot stand it. Down a huge gatorade and bottled water to try to rehydrate. I duck into the bathroom about two minutes before boarding to clear out the bowels, praying it would relieve the nausea. It doesn’t.

I boarded the plane in a cold sweat. I was sitting in the second row. A nice old woman comes and sits beside me. She has a bag of something that I can smell. It is food of some sort. I swear to you on my life I had my first true panic attack right then. The smell of that food…. I knew then and there that I was going to vomit. I was sweating so bad, the old lady asks me if I am okay. I say yes and stand to excuse myself allllll the way to the back of the plane to the restroom. The flight attendant tells me to sit back down, we are backing away from the gate. I argue for a second, but I know deep inside it is too late. I started crying and shaking. I am a grown man and I am sitting beside this tiny old lady with a bag of what is apparently rotten broccoli crying my fucking eyes out. The attendant comes back. I am inconsolable. Everyone is looking at me like I am a fucking terrorist. It is building. I am panicking in my head that I will shit myself as I vomit all over the row. Finally my body decides it is over, because fuck you for drinking for two straight days motherfucker. I reach in a panic for the airsick bag and pull it out. I will never forget the look on that poor little old lady’s face. She is gripping both armrests and arched back away from me. Her eyes were the size of dinner plates. The attendant is asking me to calm down, everyone is looking, and I let loose. The gatorade and Aquafina are still in my stomach, so it is a massive stream of red vomit. Real demonic looking shit. The bag is about halfway full when I begin farting uncontrollably. The only thing that saved me from shitting on myself was the preflight bowel clear. I involuntarily am squeezing the bag, red puke is all over my lap and seat. The old lady is screaming and trying to push her way out past the attendant. I am crying and puking and farting relentlessly. Nightmare.

I had to ride two hours with these people. They had all witnessed a small personal nightmare.”

3.Ice Scraper

“When I was a little kid, my dad went into a grocery store and left me out in the car. I had to take a shit. I waited & waited & waited but my dad never came… so I took a dump on the floor of the car and then used his ice scraper to shovel it out the door. When my dad got back to the car, he stepped on it hahaha.”

4.India

“Years ago I was living and interning in India for a summer and would usually take train trips to different cities over the weekends.

One weekend I was on an overnight train and was stricken with a terrible case of food poisoning half way to my destination.

I made my way to the bathroom (squat toilet) on a moving train and proceeded to have explosive diarrhea while simultaneously vomiting all over the place.

Shitting and barfing hovering over a squat toilet on a moving train with many hours to your destination really makes you take inventory of your situation.

I have never experienced that level of bathroom related drama in my life. It was the perfect storm.”

5.The Eastern-Style Toilet

“I was a 15 year old exchange student in Thailand. After a week of eating the local food without allowing my body to adjust from its natural Canadian habitat I found my self to be relatively constipated. One day I was traveling through a remote Thai village when I got a sudden urge to empty my bowels. Understandable considering I hadn’t shit in a week.

I asked a local to point me to a bathroom, and after a few minutes of ass-clenching and waddling I found the entrance to a Thai-style bathroom. Now anyone who has ever used a Thai Toilet will realize that it can be very intimidating if never seen before. I, coming from a western country, had NO idea how to use this, and if I could have waited until I reached a western style excrement removing device, I would have. Alas, the urge was too strong, and I commenced squatting.

I proceeded to unleash a hurricane of spicy-diarrhea stew into the dry toilet. A solid-liquid spray lasting for 15 or more seconds. After substantially loading up the toilet, I breathed a sigh of relief and looked around for toilet paper.

Well what do you know, there wasn’t any. Apparently you are supposed to bring your own ass wiping device, and I hadn’t known. The only 2 objects that could be utilized to help clean my drain-pipe were a grungy looking loofah and my hand. Opting to not risk contracting some ass-communicable foreign disease from the loofah, I proceeded to use my hand to wipe up the slimy somewhat chunky mixture and rinsed it off under the tap.

Some may be shocked about how nonchalantly I just cleaned myself, but let me explain: I was DESPERATE. I felt like shit, I was panicking, and I had no idea what I was doing. So at that point it was an everything goes deal.

After wiping I guessed I was supposed to fill the bowl with the water from the bucket, so I did. However, my recent recipe of goulash had rendered draining the water (no flushing) impossible, so it ended up just filling to the top with murky brown stinky water.

By then I was on the verge of tears: I still felt sick, I was in a strange place, and I had no idea what I was doing. So I just decided ‘fuck it’ and opened the door to go outside…

And was greeted by a LINE of 8-13 year olds. I had apparently used a local school bathroom without realizing it, and they had just started their break. I turned bright red and just high tailed it out of there, leaving behind a steaming bowl of shit soup, a horrendous smell of partly digested chicken and pork, and a gaggle of middle school Thai kids.

Never felt so guilty and disgusted before… but I have also never felt a relief as satisfying as emptying ones bowels after a week of spicy asian food.”

6.Crying And Pooping

“If you don’t know anything about menses, let me preface this by stating that the first day of the cycle is often the worse, and most girls get the shits while on their period.

About two and a half years ago, I had just spent the night at my boyfriend’s apartment. I’m sleeping soundly in his arms when my stomach rumbles so loudly that it wakes me up. I feel the familiar pain of period cramps, but they’re nearly 10 days early, so I dismiss it as a side effect of my boyfriend’s sizable penis. He’s still sleeping pretty soundly and we’re in the spooning position; I don’t want to wake him by moving, so I lay there for a while while my abdomen cramps. I have to fart and decide that I can get away with it…

HUGE MISTAKE

My brand new boyfriend wakes up to the sensation of something warm and wet on his dick. The smell doesn’t hit us until he lifts up the covers to investigate… it is a delightful mixture of poo and pennies. Apparently I covered his junk in a light spattering of both shit and period blood. I am on the side of the bed against the wall; he gets up so I can run to the bathroom. I sit up and the blood just pours out of me. On the mattress, the sheets… it’s just everywhere…

We sprint to the bathroom together and he starts the shower while I destroy his toilet. I have never, ever shit in front of someone before. I’m traumatized, just crying and pooping and pouring blood all at the same time. By the time I flushed the toilet, I’ve decided that I can never see him again.

And my boyfriend just laughs. Then comforts me, kisses me, tells me ‘shit happens,’ then has sex with me in the shower. Needless to say, I married him.”

7.*Shudder*

“I lived in the country and would eat a lot of raw vegetables when I was very young (6-12).

I started losing weight for some reason and my parents just thought it was because I was in a growth spurt or something.

Then for 2 weeks I felt really bad, went to the doctor he gave me some anti-parasite meds and sent me home.

He failed to mention that I would be passing a humungous tape worm later that week and I freaked out when I was mid shit and could see this dark black snake looking thing coming out of my ass.

I finished crapping but this thing wouldn’t come all the way out so I had to reach back and pull it the rest of the way out. (Gag!)

I didn’t tell anyone about it for years.”

8.The Honeymooners

“On my way back from my Honeymoon I had decided to stop at a Taco Bell. Mind you this was a in the back woods of Kentucky Taco Bell Express. The Chili Cheese Burrito being my favorite I didn’t even look at the menu and ordered away. Then he proceeded to tell me: “We don’t have any deep fryers.”

At the time the big campaign was the 1 pound burrito. So assuming that’s what I wanted he sold me two. What I walked out with somewhat resembled burritos, and weighed a fuck ton more than 2 pounds. The wife took one look and said no, and decided she wasn’t hungry anymore. I inhaled mine…

After getting on the highway again, the bubble-gut hit me. Of course the next exit is SEVERAL miles down the road. By the time we get to the next off ramp I’m doing the anal butt clench of death, and I shit you not there’s the oldest fucking lady driving an old jalopy 2 miles an hour down the off ramp.

When I finally pull off to run inside the only place to stop here drum roll a Taco Bell. I stop yell ‘GET THE KEYS!,’ and race inside, past a crew of kids waiting to clean the restrooms, slam the stall door, drop trow, and let loose the most foul smelling shit storm I never thought possible. It was BAD BAD BAD BAD BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. After cleaning up, of course I failed to do a courtesy flush and it starts coming up after me.

So I do the due diligence and RUN THE FUCK OUT! Of course the wife is now inside ordering her Taco Bell (OH FUCK NO!) and the kids start walking into the bathroom (OH FUCKING HELL!)…

I sternly (read that as a demand) tell her: ‘WE NEED TO MOVE NOW!’

Got back in the car and raced away…

In the rear view, yes I saw the kids running out of Taco Bell after me.”

9.I Love Peppers!

“When I first moved to China, a group of really attractive Chinese girls that worked for our company decided to take me out to lunch before my first “welcome to x company induction” class that evening. I wanted to make a good impression and be like all cool and stuff. So we’re at the restaurant, and they tell me that originally they’re all from Sichuan province (known for its spicy food) and they ask if I like spicy food. Sure I say, the hotter the better. I’m really only trying to impress them, but i figure how hot can it be? So I tell them to order it as spicy as it can get, I love peppers!, i want to eat it like they do, and some other idiotic stuff. They’re impressed and they order this meal that is literally coated in tiny shriveled dark red peppers. It was hot and it brought tears to my eyes, but I put on a good show and ate everything.

A few hours later, I’m sitting in this orientation class, and my stomach rumbles and immediately i can feel the taste of the peppers in my mouth again and I feel like if a bathroom were present, i could make use of it. I look at the clock and see I still have 45 minutes and it would be insanely rude to get up and leave. So i just decide to wait and concentrate on the lecture.

About 15 minutes later, I am UNCOMFORTABLE and squirming around. I pass a bit of gas quietly to help relieve the pressure and it felt someone lit a match on my bunghole and the smell was instantly suffocating. One of those omg, no warning, blitzkrieg on the nose, bury your face in your shirt and lynch the guy responsible types. Nobody figured out it was me but by this point i am in agony. I have 10 minutes to go and im almost sweating. My bunghole feels like Mount Doom and Im afraid its going to start leaking sulphuric acid.

Finally the class is dismissed and as professional as I can, hurry quickly to the mens room (which looked like this) As I rush in and begin to very loudly take care of business, my cell phone rings. This was back in the day when having ringtones were still cool. Mine at the time i had this painful incident? Ring of Fire

A few days later I was telling a buddy about my new found allergy to peppers and he’s like ‘yep when you eat it, you think about it hot going in, but never how hot it will be coming out.’”

10.‘It Sounds Like You Spilled Water Or Something’

“19 years old and staying at my Dad’s house for the weekend. I had come down with a stomach bug and was on the toilet every 5 minutes all afternoon just pushing this horrible liquid mess out of me.

At one point I run in and sit down quickly to let out whatever leviathan was next in line to escape my body, when I get that familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach that I WILL be throwing up soon. My mouth is watering, the back of my throat is dropping, and I’m searching for a proper receptacle. I find a small mesh garbage can, but I don’t want to make “a mess” so I figure I’ll jump off the toilet, turn around vomit into it, then jump back on and finish the shitting aspect.

Pretty straightforward – so now I’m kneeling in front of my toilet with my pants down as my gut clenches up with the first waves of vomit.

At the very instant I started vomiting every muscle in my body started clenching up and 3 gallons of liquid poopy sauce erupts from my ass all over my Dad’s bathroom.

I turn around and notice I have covered the entire wall, floor, rug, and even have hit parts of the ceiling with this ass explosion.

I kind of just sit down and take it all in for a few minutes, but then realize I’m in the family’s main bathroom and my parents and sibling are all eating dinner not more than 3 feet from where this happened.

I hear a ‘are you ok it sounds like you spilled water or something?’

HAHA if only – so I spend the next two hours cleaning up everything with toilet paper. I didn’t want to ruin towels or anything. I emerge 2 hours later with a spotless bathroom behind me, my Dad says “damn son it really smells like crap in here”

I just agreed. This experience has made me a better person

11.No TP

“Once in Italy I was absolutely desperate to use the bathroom. I walked all over the city for a public restroom, getting more and more antsy about it. You know the pins and needles, shivering kind of desperate? Yeah, that bad. Eventually, I turned a corner and saw the golden arches of McDonald’s- I swear they were glowing and there were trumpets playing it was such a glorious sight. I sprinted up to the store and into the bathrooms, sat down to do my thing, then realized there was no toilet paper. I thought, no worry, I can just use receipts. Open my wallet- nope, I’d cleaned it out the day before. I sit there for a while trying to decide if I really want to wipe myself with a 50. In the end I decide not to because I heard that all euros have drugs on them. And I don’t want to put any drugs down there. Finally after much deliberation, I decided there was only one thing for it- I had to use my own underwear. Whipped them off, wiped clean, and disposed of them (in a bin, I didn’t flush them) and strutted out of there right into a lingerie shop to buy a new pair.”

12.Marital Bonding

“My parents and some other family members went to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic last year and stayed at an all-inclusive resort. They got a suite that had an open layout so the toilet was behind a wall but no door and there was a hot tub in front of the toilet. The food at the resort must have been bad, because everyone got sick. My mom ran to the bathroom to throw up and she ended up shitting at the same time. It sprayed the walls and the jacuzzi tub and the floors. Everywhere. My stepdad was in the room at the time, and from seeing that happened, he started throwing up. Then he started shitting his pants. They both tried to clean it up, but ended up throwing up and shitting in the jacuzzi tub in front of each other several times. This repeated almost every day on the trip.”

13.The Beach

“It was the summer after my freshman year at college (so 3 years ago), and I was in the Bahamas. My cousin and I were swimming in the ocean, and he wanted to go back into the hotel room, so he left. So there I am, swimming alone, when i get the urge the poop. Now I thought it was one of those ‘I can forcefully hold this in the water, it’ll go away, and then I can go when I get back into my room.’ Well I was wrong.

Five minutes go by and then I start walking up the beach because it seems like i’m holding in the worst shit of my life. I reach the sidewalk and I start sprinting up and down, trying to find one of those help desk things, I finally do and ask the lady where the nearest bathroom is. It was about 30 feet away and I thought I was in the clear.

Well I get into the bathroom, run into a stall and then I notice my bathing suite was tied…fuck. So as I’m untying my bathing suit I just start shitting….and as I finally sit down I notice it was all over my thigh, on the floor, and on the toilet seat (behind me). Then to top it all off, there’s no toilet paper.

I then see a janitor’s hand go under the stall and he hands me TP and says ‘I think you’ll need this.’

14.Blue Cheese On Pizza

“I ate a slice of pizza one summer. It was a slice of buffalo chicken/blue cheese. I should have paid better attention, the ‘blue cheese’ on the pizza looked to be salad dressing. That had been sitting under a heat lamp for an undetermined amount of time. In July.

Yes, it was bad. I had gone to the bar that night, and was halfway through a beer when I realized “oh fuck, this is food poisoning.” So I had to make the mad dash for home.

Which included A) a fifteen minute walk to the train station B) five minutes waiting for my train, C) a twenty minute train ride and D) a twenty minute walk home from the train station.

I knew that once I opened the floodgates, I wouldn’t be ale to move so I didn’t want to risk a public bathroom so I just clenched both ends and suffered. The worst was the last leg of it, when I was walking home from the train station. By then I was just looking for yards with big enough bushes for me to just go and befoul. Stupid suburbia.

I did make it home, and when I made it to the toilet I barfed for like twenty minutes. and then my ass blew up. All weekend, just puking and shitting and shivering and sweating for three days straight.”

15.The Dance

“In high school I was invited to a school dance by my best friend’s ex. I get to this dance and I’m trying my best to be a good date without breaking the bro code when the girl in question grabs my junk. It is important to say that I suffered from high anxiety and, often enough, irritable bowel syndrome. So my stomach lurched and I ran into the only bathroom in the gym where the dance took place to find that there were ~20 guys packed into the tiny room containing only one stall. I had to wait in line to get to the stall and when I finally sat down and tore ass, all of the guys on the outside started banging on the stall doors and howling at me. I sit in shame until the room is mostly clear and get up to leave only to find out that the tail of my shirt had been in the toilet the whole time and was filthy as…well, shit. Thankfully I had my pocket knife on-hand so I just cut about one foot of material off of the back of my shirt and pulled the poker face all night.”

16.On The Bus

“Mine is a pretty embarrassing story. I was in High School, probably 14-15. First day of the year. Im wearing basketball shorts (this detail will come handy little later). As soon as I get on the bus, I feel the urge to poop a footlong. When I’am talking about urge I mean business, like if i had the choice to vomit it, there would be no hesitation. The bus ride is about 45 minutes with a transfer after 20. Arriving at the depot, I’m running for the public bathroom, as filthy as it was. Of course, it’s fuckin closed because of maintenance. I couldn’t believe it. Went and sat with friends on the second bus, and I was ready to explode. I didn’t say a single word and tried to look as normal as possible but I was cringing and couldn’t stop moving on my seat. Arriving at school, the usual 5 minutes walk looked like 5 hours. Naturally, as soon as I entered the school, I couldn’t hold myself and starting shitting pellets all around the hall to the bathroom. Like rock solid stuff. Maybe 4-5 dropped before I could arrive to the bathroom. Remember, I was wearing basketball shorts.

To this day, I still don’t know if someone saw me and I kept imagining the janitor who had to pick up the shit.”

17. The Hair Dryer Savior

“I’ve had my fair share of bathroom emergencies (lactose intolerance for the win!) but this one was by far the worst/best of recent memory.

About 2 years ago, I was camping with my family. We decided to go out to eat one night instead of cooking over a fire – and went to a local seafood place. The food was amazing, and I ate wayyyyy too much greasy and deep fried amazingness for my stomach to handle. The icing on the cake of my stomach? Stopping for ice cream afterwards.

As soon as we were done my bowels started to churn that special feeling. I knew I needed to get to a bathroom, and stat. We were only 5 minutes away from the campground so I decided to hold it for then. As we got closer, I was more and more nervous I wouldn’t make it, which made me more nervous and therefore more pressure and rumbling. I felt like I was going to explode. I finally asked to be dropped off at the bathroom near the entrance of the campground – which ended up helping me out nicely, for this bathroom had showers and electricity.

Our car pulled up and I jumped out before we even stopped moving. I waddled my ass into the bathroom and found the closest stall I could get into. Normally, I am extremely bathroom shy and can barely piss with other people around, let alone drop a shit storm. And that night, the bathroom was chock. full. of. girls. Prim, proper, “I hate camping but my family dragged me along” teenagers. THE WORST. But this situation called for no shame. I barely had the door shut and my pants down before all hell broke loose. The loudest, gnarliest, nastiest sounds and smells came forth from my ass. No human being, let alone FEMALE, should ever produce anything like this. This should have embarrassed me out of the campground for life.

HOWEVER! At the exact moment hell unleashed from my bottom, one of the girls turned on her hairdryer. The sound COMPLETELY drowned out my agony. It was the most perfect timing. Normally I curse girls like this who can’t live a moment without looking perfect (and c’mon, bringing a hairdryer CAMPING!?)…but that day, I was praising her existence and persistence to do so.

Shockingly, my body emptied itself in that quick first round. I courtesy-flushed and sat a few minutes to make sure I was in the clear. When I went to stand, my legs were shaky. I was light headed. I felt like I just gave birth to some horrible demon, and I was TIRED. But the gaggle of girls had left, and I was able to exit the bathroom practically anonymous. I stumbled back to our campsite like I had gone through war. But I survived.”

18.The Pleasure Cruise Of Doom

“Behold, the terrifying & inspiring story of the PLEASURE CRUISE OF DOOM.

I was on holiday in Australia, a student of modest means, yet desiring to experience the maritime adventure of the Great Barrier Reef. In Queensland, the shorter the distance to the reef the more expensive the ticket on a tourist boat. So I opted to depart from Cairns. The weather was breezy, and there were some waves…I inquired of the Captain whether the conditions were too rough. He smiled reassuringly and said that they were expecting wind of ‘only 15 knots or so.’ Knowing nothing of the ways of pirates, I shrugged and boarded. The trip was supposed to take about 3 hours, arriving at a sand bar from which we could relax and snorkel.

There were 30 other passengers, and approximately 10 crew. The boat was 3 stories, 2 above board and one below. The voyage began pleasantly with much excitement about seeing all the tropical fish and colorful coral formations. Ahead, I saw darkening clouds and white-capped waves. A sense of foreboding grew within me, and over a period of 15 minutes, the mood on board darkened. Soon the boat was rocking & the crew was passing out life vests. By the time each passenger was equipped, the boat was rocking violently…the waves were taller than the boat and we were canting at an angle…as we went up the boat would rock to the left, and as we went down to the right…to such an angle that one could reach out and touch a wall of water that stretched to the sky. I feared we would capsize. But I soon learned, there were darker forces at work…

I was on the deck level at the rear of the ship…there were other passengers on the second level. Then the fateful curse floated past…’I think I’m going to be sick.’ Naturally, on a boat there’s not much in the way of bathroom facilities, and so we soon learned the art of improvisation. Over the noise of crashing waves I heard a bestial moan which could hardly come from the lips of man…Eyes wide with terror I look up to see a fellow passenger clutching the railing…as we pass the mid point in our arc, she’s looking up and opens her mouth wide enough to swallow a rubbish bin, and proceeds to projectile vomit…time stands still and I witness the partially digested contents of our catered lunch suspended in mid air above me…I count several shrimp, gobs of biscuit, mash of eggplant…and fervently praying that this gallon of goo will sail peacefully to its watery demise…the time stop spell begins to wear off and the boat rocks the other direction…all of us afraid to let go of the railing lest being swept out to sea, the boat rocks to the side, catching up with the suspended goo…and the poor woman ends up reuniting with her creation.

Shivering with the shameful laughter of schadenfreude, & the selfish relief of not sharing her fate, Neptune reigns down swift Karmic justice upon me. Overwhelmed with despair & disgust at her plight, she vomits again. This time, looking down…the projectile vomit a bulls-eye…on me. The stench of the stomach acid & warm shrimp quickly overpowers me, and I too projectile vomit…just as the boat has reached the end of its arc and I’m face to face with a wall of water…The stream hits the wave and I end up with a mouthful of seawater flavored vomit…I turn away not wanting to drown, and complete (my first wave) of vomiting upon my neighbor’s horrified face.

The curse gaining power, a chain reaction forms…within an instant all 30 passengers and 10 crew were enveloped in an orgy of projectile vomiting. Groans of agony echo throughout the ship…and the curse will never lift…for as one person finishes, another person starts, which only inspires others…the stench is inescapable…and so the cycle repeats…soon every surface & article of clothing is soaked…the deck becomes slippery with out collective creation.

By the time we reach the calm waters protected by the Reef, everyone is exhausted & defeated. We have surrendered our dignity eons ago, and are wantonly wallowing in the witches brew. Salty sea dogs & land lubbers alike rejoice at the presences of a sandbar where we can recover. And yet, the captain cruelly instructs the slop boy to hose out the ship, which takes several hours as we wait for the storm to pass. A man beside me remarks to his son, “that’s why you want to go to college, so you don’t end up with his job.”

And so I learned, beware 20 knot winds, for they carry foul breathe upon them.”

19.The Client And The Police Officer

“This is more situational than gross. I was out at a closing dinner with management from a company I had signed up as a new client. One of the people on the management team lived near me so he offered to drop me off instead of letting me take the train/subway. We all say our goodbyes and I get in the car; almost immediately the guy says to me that he might need to make a stop.

So I don’t think much of it, we’re chatting, and he starts talking less and less over the course of about 15 minutes and looking more and more uncomfortable. I asked if he was alright, started kicking out some ideas for places to stop (I thought he had to piss) and he keeps saying its ok.

We’re getting close to my place, he hasn’t said a word for about 5 minutes, and all of a sudden lets out this banshee-like wail out of nowhere. I’m actually frightened at this point; for some reason I thought he was having a stroke and kept trying to remember that stupid acronym. Anyway, so after a few seconds, the familiar scent of cheap Chinese food stewed in stomach acid for 8-10 hours and exploded out the rectum reaches my nostrils and I grasp the enormity of my circumstances.

He immediately pulls into an abandoned warehouse parking lot and hops out of the car, goes to the trunk and grabs something, then runs off behind a tree. So I’m pretty confused at this point and I start looking around and realize his seat is actually covered in shit and there is some splashback around the steering wheel and door (I somehow was spared collateral damage). Anyway, just as I finish assessing the damage, a cop pulls up behind the car with the lights flashing.

The cop comes up to the car and just then the guy with my waddles out from behind a tree and starts running towards the car. He had wrapped himself in a sheet which was covered in shit stains (he had apparently tried to wipe himself up) and carrying his shit soaked pants, which were dripping. So the cop takes one look at the guy and one whiff of the car and says, ‘You know what, fuck it.’ Gets in his car and drives away.

Epilogue: Guy got back in the car and did not say a word to me other than goodnight when I got out. I threw away my clothes and huddled in the shower in the fetal position alternatively laughing and crying for about a half hour after I got home. He has never spoken a word to me about this since.”

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/seriously-gross-19-true-tales-of-horrifying-bathroom-emergencies/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/175285671997

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allofbeercom · 6 years ago

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Seriously Gross: 19 True Tales Of Horrifying Bathroom Emergencies

1.Shark Attack Survivor

2.A Personal Nightmare

“This is true. I remember it awkwardly at least once a day. It hurts my soul.

I had to ride two hours with these people. They had all witnessed a small personal nightmare.”

3.Ice Scraper

4.India

“Years ago I was living and interning in India for a summer and would usually take train trips to different cities over the weekends.

One weekend I was on an overnight train and was stricken with a terrible case of food poisoning half way to my destination.

I made my way to the bathroom (squat toilet) on a moving train and proceeded to have explosive diarrhea while simultaneously vomiting all over the place.

Shitting and barfing hovering over a squat toilet on a moving train with many hours to your destination really makes you take inventory of your situation.

I have never experienced that level of bathroom related drama in my life. It was the perfect storm.”

5.The Eastern-Style Toilet

By then I was on the verge of tears: I still felt sick, I was in a strange place, and I had no idea what I was doing. So I just decided ‘fuck it’ and opened the door to go outside…

Never felt so guilty and disgusted before… but I have also never felt a relief as satisfying as emptying ones bowels after a week of spicy asian food.”

6.Crying And Pooping

“If you don’t know anything about menses, let me preface this by stating that the first day of the cycle is often the worse, and most girls get the shits while on their period.

HUGE MISTAKE

And my boyfriend just laughs. Then comforts me, kisses me, tells me ‘shit happens,’ then has sex with me in the shower. Needless to say, I married him.”

7.*Shudder*

“I lived in the country and would eat a lot of raw vegetables when I was very young (6-12).

I started losing weight for some reason and my parents just thought it was because I was in a growth spurt or something.

Then for 2 weeks I felt really bad, went to the doctor he gave me some anti-parasite meds and sent me home.

He failed to mention that I would be passing a humungous tape worm later that week and I freaked out when I was mid shit and could see this dark black snake looking thing coming out of my ass.

I finished crapping but this thing wouldn’t come all the way out so I had to reach back and pull it the rest of the way out. (Gag!)

I didn’t tell anyone about it for years.”

8.The Honeymooners

So I do the due diligence and RUN THE FUCK OUT! Of course the wife is now inside ordering her Taco Bell (OH FUCK NO!) and the kids start walking into the bathroom (OH FUCKING HELL!)…

I sternly (read that as a demand) tell her: ‘WE NEED TO MOVE NOW!’

Got back in the car and raced away…

In the rear view, yes I saw the kids running out of Taco Bell after me.”

9.I Love Peppers!

A few days later I was telling a buddy about my new found allergy to peppers and he’s like ‘yep when you eat it, you think about it hot going in, but never how hot it will be coming out.’”

10.‘It Sounds Like You Spilled Water Or Something’

Pretty straightforward – so now I’m kneeling in front of my toilet with my pants down as my gut clenches up with the first waves of vomit.

At the very instant I started vomiting every muscle in my body started clenching up and 3 gallons of liquid poopy sauce erupts from my ass all over my Dad’s bathroom.

I turn around and notice I have covered the entire wall, floor, rug, and even have hit parts of the ceiling with this ass explosion.

I hear a ‘are you ok it sounds like you spilled water or something?’

I just agreed. This experience has made me a better person

11.No TP

12.Marital Bonding

13.The Beach

I then see a janitor’s hand go under the stall and he hands me TP and says ‘I think you’ll need this.’

14.Blue Cheese On Pizza

Yes, it was bad. I had gone to the bar that night, and was halfway through a beer when I realized “oh fuck, this is food poisoning.” So I had to make the mad dash for home.

Which included A) a fifteen minute walk to the train station B) five minutes waiting for my train, C) a twenty minute train ride and D) a twenty minute walk home from the train station.

15.The Dance

16.On The Bus

To this day, I still don’t know if someone saw me and I kept imagining the janitor who had to pick up the shit.”

17. The Hair Dryer Savior

“I’ve had my fair share of bathroom emergencies (lactose intolerance for the win!) but this one was by far the worst/best of recent memory.

18.The Pleasure Cruise Of Doom

“Behold, the terrifying & inspiring story of the PLEASURE CRUISE OF DOOM.

And so I learned, beware 20 knot winds, for they carry foul breathe upon them.”

19.The Client And The Police Officer

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/seriously-gross-19-true-tales-of-horrifying-bathroom-emergencies/

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xav1994 · 7 years ago

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13th Jan, 2018

Saturday, the 13th of January, 2018.

It has been almost more than a week that I’ve started working in cognizant and it is the training period that is continuing now. Truth be told, I quite honestly do not like the prospect of working Saturdays (which usually are holidays for the employees who are enrolled in projects).

And so I got up on the morning of Saturday the 13th, bored as usual and grief-stricken at the thought of waking up on a cold winter morning at 7 o clock only to come to office by the next one and a half hours. The previous day we were told that we would be having a session on the banks (which is essentially a bridge building session). The purpose of the session was to incorporate the values of teamwork-collaboration-integrity and a few others which I do not remember at present. I knew for a fact that it was going to be one boring session, especially when I’ve worked Monday through Friday 9 to 6.

So there comes Joanna, our trainer from coral banks and we get the bridge built in the first session. It was an entertaining session for most. It was also an entertaining session for me too because I happened to be the overall leader, who only moved from one team to another overlooking the work without actually doing anything constructive (in my opinion lol).

During recess, which was quite a long one, I was inside the seminar room itself. I didn’t feel like going out for lunch because I had developed a minor head ache and it seemed not to let go soon. Most of the trainees had gone for lunch excepting me, another guy and Joanna. Having nothing to do, the three of us engaged into a conversation about culture, Kolkata, Chennai, the weather, the food. Jo inquired a bit about the prevalent marriage systems regarding the feminine gender. We discussed our education and ambitions, the reason why we are in cognizant and the kind of stuff we expect from our life at a later point, maybe a few years from now. We also talked about the roads of kolkata, her opinions about the streets, the colors and the lights, the Kolkata food(especially the rosogolla) the amount of goodness she felt in her mind when she stepped out of the airport (of course finding the relentless cold of Kolkata quite forbearing for a south person like her), me never being on a flight before, hers being the first ever flight that she had boarded in her life to come down from Chennai to Kolkata for a session. The one thing that I was more than interested in talking about was about finding opportunities where I could get to speak to an audience, within the company.

With such small talk going, Jo came out with her problem. Her flight had been delayed by three hours and she had a luggage with her, the safety of which was her prime concern. She was searching for hotels in the vicinity of the airport where she could keep the luggage for a few hours. She was also looking for a place where she could do some window shopping and probably have a taste of what Kolkata food is like. We did check google for a few hotels nearby but all of them were in the price range of two thousand or more. Spending two thousand for a matter of three hours barely sounded like an alright thing to do. We took the hassle of even enquiring about the hourly rates of a hotel to which they said it would take three thousand for three hours. (robbery in broad daylight!)

So there I was, the ever talkative Xavier, suggesting to her CC2 or the eco park.

It was after the session was over when I was helping put the pieces (of construction in the suitcase) when two more people came in. I do not know who the second man was but the first man was a batch owner for several batches in the academy) . the second man also suggested that cc2 could be a good place to go to given the fact that she had a trolley with her (with a lot of stuff in it).

So there I was as the entourage for the remaining three hours within the city of joy. Oh, I also had to get pizza sauce. We got ourselves an ola booked.

On route, Jo was fascinated by the lights, the streets of Rajarhat, especially at the sights of the miniature Seven Wonders of the World which were built inside the Eco park. We talked a lot about the differences in Kolkata and Chennai whilst we were on our way to CC2.

We reached CC2 at around 5:45 PM.

Note to self: Jo gets a lot of calls, from the three Fs (Father/Friend/Fiancé)

We walked in to find ourselves greeted by the sweet festival of Kolkata, which specialized in everything “gur”(one of the finest delicacies of Bengal that one gets to have only during the winter season) . There were tones of sweets, ‘rajbhog’, ’misti doi’, ’nolen gur er sondesh’, ‘khejur gur’ in packed bottles, ‘gur er kheer’ and what not. Of course, how could I have missed out on the ever reigning ‘rosogolla’. But we decided to hold on the sweets for after dinner.

We sauntered around the passageways, looking at shops, food counters, and decorations. The one thing that took Jo by surprise was the aromatic delight that flows and appeals to anybody’s senses when one steps into the food court of any urban mall. Not within a second’s instant we both knew that we were hungry and the next thing we knew, we were on our way looking for a restaurant called the blue nile ( as it was suggested by zomato) as one of the good places to eat in CC2.

We went inside and Jo was amazed at the sights and the splendor of the restaurant. The blue nile had a touch of the old days, with figures carved on its walls from the pages of the Egyptian past. The lights were dim and some common hindi, soft songs were playing in the backdrop.

I must say that we were quite undecided about what to order. There were two varieties of fish, both of which Jo had never tried ( bhetki and pomphret) but then I didn’t want her to experiment right about then because we were in there for a light dinner. Nothing too heavy for she had a flight to board. We got chilli garlic noodles and chicken in oyster sauce, both of which were good in quantity and they tasted pretty nice as well. Overall, it was a good dinner. And to my delight, it was her treat ! Yay! :D

The conversation over dinner was pretty enlightening. For I believe I’ve never gotten the chance to talk so much on a single day. And it was the first time that I ever met her. Her entry into cognizant, her projects and then her moving into academy, getting selected from a group of 13, her passion to meet people, go places, experience native food and so much more. I suppose I made a friend in one day itself. I can congratulate myself on that. She is mature.

Walking out, we strolled past the sweet stalls. The prices of the sweets certainly were reasonable and she found it cheaper compared to the prices in Chennai.

We got a coupon worth 100 and we tried the ‘misti doi’, a ‘gur er sondesh’ and ‘nolen gur er rosogollas’. She was really fascinated by the rosogollas and decided on getting one packet for her family.

The cold was settling deep over Kolkata as the light of the dusk faded and the evening deepened slowly giving way to night. I zipped up my jacket and even put on a muffler to which she laughed. But lo and behold, it was not even five minutes before she was forced to do zip up her jacket as well. :P

She booked us an ola and that was my final phase of the entourage. The drive took us from CC2 to airport gate 1. We encountered minor traffic on the way but then the prospect of traffic was something very welcoming. For it was 8 pm then and her flight was scheduled for 10:55 pm.

The last lap of the journey, she spoke of how much she was scared of horror movies , yet loved watching them.

Note to self which can later come handy: She detests dolls with big eyes :P and also doesn’t like sleeping next to an open window for obvious reasons.

Amidst talks and phone calls, we reached our destination. It was that time for goodbye. She had to go resume her office back in Chennai. Oh, thankfully Monday is a holiday there. Good for her and not for me. :p Oh and she was kind enough to offer me a ride back home! But I preferred walking to the bus stand since I had to digest my food to make space for a late night dinner. :P

It was somewhere around 8:30 when she walked into the aisle and into the airport and I, into the night of Kolkata. The day came to an end.

Usually, I resent the fact of having to come to office on Saturdays. Maybe I might hate the fact in future as well. But here is the thing. You never know how life is going to surprise you in the most unexpected of ways. I had an idea that there would be someone who would come to take our coral banks session but little had I expected the turn of events to follow in a manner that made this Saturday as one of the most memorable days in all the time since I had joined office.

And there is also something they say about good things in life. They are not meant to last for a long time. In fact, the very essence of everything nice and good lies in their being ephemeral.

Here’s to a big goodbye until we meet again,

Regards,

Xavier/ PAT/ 673530

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cebeavers · 14 years ago

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Knoebel’s Grove 2010

Phoenix Phall Phunfest October 8, 2010 Photo Album

Knoebel’s Phoenix Phall Phunfest was the last of the ‘big’ events (save for Coastermania, I guess) that I’ve yet to attend, and having cancelled out so many times before, I had to make it this year. I’ve heard so much about the park, and how great Phoenix and Twister can be, and I really wanted to give it a try. Plus, there were some other folks going that I’d yet to meet in person.

I was flying out of Greensboro early Saturday morning, heading into Philly, then driving to Knobels. I forgot to fill the Xterra up on Friday evening, so I had to stop and get gas, which took a little longer than I’d have liked on Saturday morning. I hadn’t actually driven to GSO from my house before, as I usually head over to the area after work, which is about 20 minutes from the airport. The drive was longer than I had expected. I’d wanted to get there at 6:30, especially since I had left my boarding pass at work after I checked in and printed it out on Friday, so I needed to get another one.

Once I parked (thankfully on the top level of the parking garage outside the main terminal’s front gate) I ran into the terminal to print my pass…only to find out that the automatic machines have a cutoff of 30 minutes prior to departure. It was about 27 minutes prior to departure, and so it said to see someone at the desk.

Let me describe what it’s like flying from GSO for those of you that don’t know: Its such a small airport that it doesn’t take long to go to security, and especially this early in the morning, there are very few people there, in fact, when I got there, there were 3 people at the US counter, no one at the other counters (passengers, not workers) and no one waiting to go thru, nor anyone going thru security. It’s a nice, small airport, but that early in the morning, its dead.

And all I needed was a boarding pass. When the woman at the county finally called me over, I told her my dilemma and she informed me that she can’t print me a boarding pass, and that I’ll have to get on the next flight, which was much later in the day, with a stop in Charlotte (and hour layover). I couldn’t believe it! I said “Ma’am, all I need is a boarding pass, I forgot mine, and if I had it right now, I could make it to the plane, there is plenty of time”. She refused. All she would have had to do is print the darn thing out, but she started looking at other flights. I was complaining because it was now only 5 minutes after cutoff, I didn’t need to check any bags (like the other couple in the same dilemma as myself), and I could make it thru the completely empty security queue.

She got on her radio, and I thought she was going to get security or a manager because of me. I heard her say “Gate 45”, which was my gate. Finally, she slid me a boarding pass, told me not to say anything, to run, and that if the door at the gate was closed, I’d have to catch another flight.

I said ‘Thanks’, ran to security, rushed thru (no problem I didn’t have much), grabbed my stuff, including my shoes, which weren’t on my feet, and started running to the gate down the terminal. It’s not very far, and I was yelling at gate 45 that I was coming. Once I arrived, there were still 3 people to be checked in, and the people at the gate didn’t even understand why I was rushing, because there was still a good 10-15 minutes before they were going to close the door (Seriously, the place is so small, I could have walked if the woman had just given me a boarding pass). Anyways, after everything was ready, we were in the air, and since I was in the 2nd row, with an empty first row, I changed seats and tried to nap.

Arrival at PHL was smooth and in no time I was headed off the plane and out to find the Enterprise shuttle service. Enterprise is good enough to deal with, but I misunderstood the guy and ended up paying $45 extra for insurance I didn’t need. Oh well. I ended up with a black Ford Focus with SYNC technology (it was neat!). I had prepaid for the fuel so that I didn’t need to get gas on the way back, which was a good thing, because I only ended up using almost a tank driving to and from Knoebels, so when I got back I didn’t have to worry.

The drive to Knoebels was much longer than I had expected. I went up 476, across 80, and then followed signs from the billboard to Knoebels. I should have went to 54, then down, because I could have easily got to the campground and parked instead of having to wait an extra long time to get in the park after parking. By this point, since everything else hadn’t gone my way, I was not in the best of moods at all.

Once I got up to the park ‘entrance’ (Does Knoebels really have an entrance?), everyone was crowded around for the arts and crafts and food due to the Covered Bridge festival. I went to the first restroom I could find, and then headed in. Didn’t know where anything was (still don’t), but I went to try and purchase a POP combo pass for the day and for PPP. Unfortunately, it’s still 1976 at Knoebels, and they don’t take debit or credit cards at the ticket counter. Oh, and the only close ATM was hard enough to find, but then ended up having a line.

Matt called and I tried to explain where I was. Eventually Matt, Josh, Joe, and Steph showed up and told me there was another much more convenient ATM near a much more convenient ticket counter (that may have taken cards, I dunno), so we walked back there. It took a while, but the mood started to break.

Once I was paid for we headed to the Grand Carousel to try and catch some rings. I ended up getting 5, but I’d never done that before, so it was quite odd. Speaking of odd, the whole park was odd. It’s just like a big campground with buildings selling food, and rides plopped down. Still not sure how I feel about that, but the Carousel was great. Once we finished we headed over to the bumper cars. The session lasted a really long time, and as we were in line Carrie texted me, so I told her where we were. These bumper cars are SICK! Matt and Josh both rammed me in each side, and I actually got a decent bit of airtime! Sweet.

When we got off we waited for Joe and Steph to ride and Carrie was waiting for us. She was supposed to meet Moosh at 2pm at the Fascination parlor, and it was sometime after or around 1pm at this point. Once we were done we headed over to the giant slide, which was also really killer. I still love slides, and anytime I can ride one as an adult, that’s great.

We walked around to try and find some food, and ran into Moosh at the Fascination parlor a little early. He was hungry too, so we found a food stand and all got our eat on. I had a roastbeef sandwich with cheese that had slaw and fries on the side, and a side order of pierogies. I also had my first of about 7 cups of Birch Beer. I love that stuff. As we ate, some random square dancing broke out in front of us. I thought we were being flash mobbed, but sadly, it wasn’t that awesome.

We then headed over to Twister, having lost Joe and Steph. Moosh decided not to ride at Twister, so Carrie, Matt, Josh and I got in line. We were near the front and ran in to another Joe (RatherGoodBear). Josh and I rode in the 2nd seat for my first Twister ride.

Twister-Okay, love the split lift hill. Laterals are the name of the game here. Twister had a good first drop and a couple moments of awesome airtime. The helix was really tight and strong. Twister was a great ride, with bunny hops all over the place, but the thing really has laterals. Josh made sure to squash me as much as possible. Twister was great, and everyone said that Phoenix was even better, so this was a good start to coaster riding at Knoebels.

Moosh had run into some others while waiting for us, so off he went. We went over to the famous Flyers. The line was kind of long, and eventually we got on, me in a tub with Matt so that he could see if he could snap us (since I’m not really a big flyer fan and can’t seem to snap). The flyers really just make me kind of sick, and we got no snapping going on. We considered the Looper, but I didn’t know if I was up for it, so we went to the Cosmotron instead. The line was rather long because someone ended up barfing before we got on. This is a nice concept; I always like rides that are indoors with lights and music. But the music selection wasn’t that great.

When we finally got off of Kosmotron we ran into the Uhing family and then Matt Shoebridge came over as well. Matt Scott and I decided to do the Looper. It was actually a LOT of fun! The looping didn’t make me sick, and once we stopped looping, Matt minimized the teetering motion, and I didn’t end up getting sick. Matt did a little, though.

At this point everyone thought it was time to take me to Phoenix. When I went to Holiwood Nights for the first time, everyone said Raven was better than Legend, but I thought the opposite. I wondered if it’d be the same with Twister and Phoenix. We got over there and ran into a ton more people at Phoenix. Once in the station, Matt and I were in the front row, and because of the great ride ops at this park, we were off in no time.

Phoenix-Oh. My. Goodness. Seriously. Wow. Buzzbars are always great, but the airtime on this thing felt like it should be illegal! The first pop of air after the great first drop was amazing and scary. By the way, the tunnel to the lift was nice as well. After the next hill, you hit all kinds of airtime, the double-up/double-down had serious air, and then the ending was all about throwing you up as far as the train could. I loved it! Phoenix has serious airtime on every hill. It is now definitely in the top of my rankings!

Joe went to get another ride and Matt and Matt both wanted more Phoenix, but Carrie and I headed over to Fandango. This was a great spinning Frisbee type ride. The restraints didn’t hurt, even if they were tight, and we got some good swings, with a very long cycle. I was afraid I’d get sick, but again, I didn’t, thankfully.

At this point the park was closing to regular guests. Some people left to get groceries, but I stayed to eat and ride once the rides started to reopen. We ate pizza and I got to hang with a bunch of people that I’d not seen in a while, and others that I’ve seen a few times this year. I ran into some of the former Ohio kids, who are mostly all Tennessee kids now. Then we got inline for the Haunted House. The Haunted House was a lot of fun. There isn’t a ‘dead’ spot (no pun intended) in the house anywhere. The scenes are well done and there are a couple of good gags in there as well. Next up it was back to the Flyers, where I tried and almost succeeded at snapping, but still didn’t get it. But at least I didn’t get sick.

After that we headed over to the haunted train ride next, which had a bit of a line, but whatever. There were a lot of us together, so we waited and made our own fun. Joe (RGB) and I sat in the back 2 seats, but I swear there was no airtime on the whole ride. The scenes were fun, though! Once we were back on solid ground we headed over to 1001 Nachts. This thing is bright and loud, but not nearly as violent as a well run rainbow or magic carpet ride. It was fun, even if we ended up getting our private ride crashed by a bunch of others.

Next we headed to Downdraft, which did make me slightly ill, but was crazy fun none the less. We had a quick RideMan sighting as we were in line too. The airtime on Downdraft was just amazing! After that we did the Sky Lift. Kind of like Lake Compounce and Camden’s lifts in that they GNDN (Go Nowhere, Do Nothing, and if you get that reference, 100 geek points to you). I needed the Kosmo’s Kurves credit, so Carrie and Joe watched as Matt and I got on. Its fun, but I wish I’d have gotten a ride on High Speed Thrill coaster at least once.

I rode the Satellite (my first time on a Roll O Plane) which was a mistake, though I’m glad Matt held my phone or it would have gotten broke (Yeah, Apple, nice job on making an all glass phone…) while Carrie got a private swings ride. After all of that we headed back over to Twister for a night ride. Twister was great, but this time we rode in the back. Unfortunately the queue was full in the station when we came back around, so we didn’t do a re-ride.

At this point I’d hit up most of the major stuff that I wanted to do, and Matt, Joe, and others wanted to spend some time on the flyers, so we headed over there next. Jordan Uhing was going to snap me, but because of the Satellite making me sick, I opted out. Carrie and I headed over to Phoenix instead, and WOW was it running too good. We got our rides on in the 2nd row, in the dark. The tunnel had effects this time, and the whole ride was just out of control insane. Ran into Lisa Broadrick and her friend Rian in the station and got back in line with them.

Once we got off of Phoenix for the last time it was getting close to 10pm and I wanted to do the Haunted Cars, so Matt, Mike (boblogone), Carrie and I headed to the line. It was a long line, but worth it. The car ride was a lot of fun. I drove with Mike in the front, Carrie and Matt in the back. They had some fun scares, and this is a great way to spruce up a ride like this, even if just for a short time. By the time we got out PPP had come to an end (they really should extend this to at least 11pm!). I said my goodbyes to some people as they headed out, and others headed off to the cottage. I had to get my car, and we walked Carrie out to hers after we listened to Dick Knoebel talk for a bit (he did mention the turns. They have some modifications to do to the trains, but apparently they have had some luck.

Matt, Carrie and I walked to the parking lot as most were gathered listening to Dick talk. I was parked so far back that I couldn’t even see my car. We hugged Carrie goodbye once we made it to her car and finished driving out to the Focus.

Once we got to the cabin we parked and hit up the ‘after party’. There were quite a few after parties going on, and we had plans to attend some more, but ended up just staying here. We were having too much fun with the bird mask and making fun of the terrible little cottage. I guess the price you pay for convenience is that you get a 1950s style ranch that hasn’t been updated since it was built, and is half used for park storage. Never again!

I left on Sunday morning around 9:30am. I expected about a 2.5 hour drive that ended up taking all of 3 hours and maybe a little over. Returning the car to Enterprise was a cinch, and before long I was on my way to the main terminal in the shuttle they provide. Once there I printed my boarding passes and headed to security. Thankfully it wasn’t that busy and in about 10 minutes I was thru to find my terminal. Sadly, to get to Terminal F at PHL, you either have to take a shuttle, or walk a long way, in which case you have to be re-screened thru security. I was afraid security would be busy, so I waited in the long shuttle line, and trust me it was long.

But eventually I made it to the gate in plenty of time. I even had time to get some Chinese food and water since I’d yet to eat breakfast. But around 3:35, which was 5 minutes before we were supposed to board, I realized the plane wasn’t at the gate yet. I thought that was odd, and a few minutes later, the lady came over the speaker and said that the plane was not going to arrive now till 2:16 (which was 6 minutes after we were supposed to take off), and that our arrival at Reagan National was 3:43. My connecting flight was to leave at 3:55, so that was less than 10 minutes in between. Great.

I semi-panicked and went to the desk. Another gentleman and his son were also going to Greensboro, and one guy was going to RDU, and we were trying to figure out what to do. If the gate we landed at was close, we could possibly make it, but if not, there was no real chance. The only other flight out of PHL to GSO was at almost 11:00pm, and that would get me back so late after driving home that I would end up being late for work. The only other ‘option’ was for her to put the 3 of us on standby for a 7:50 flight to GSO out of Reagan National if we missed our flight, and that was the only one out of Reagan till the next morning.

Once the plane got there it took forever for them to do their turn around. Apparently there was an issue with the defroster for the wind shield, and that caused the delay, and they had to have maintenance come out and fix that at PHL, which took a bit. The flight crew was in a panic too because they all had planes to catch as well. The flight attendant told me that the flight was 23 minutes and that we should just make it (her next flight to Charlotte was 3 minutes after we were scheduled to land, and she had to go to another gate to catch it), and that the gate that I’d be landing at was an area on the tarmac, and that the plane I was connecting to was loading on the tarmac, so I would need to take the shuttle into the terminal, scan my ticket, and get on the next shuttle out. She said that it would be close, but that it was totally doable so I hoped for the best.

Once we touched down at Reagan we all prepared to depart, which took a moment because of a nearby plane that had it’s engine’s on, and we couldn’t go out and get on the shuttle till that was either blocked or moved. As I stood (I had the very front seat and was first in line to get off the plane), a lady from US Airways came up the steps and said that there were 3 people on the plane going to GSO, and that she needed them now. I told her I was one, and the other 2 were in the back of the plane, so she took us of so we could get our luggage, put us on our own shuttle that drove all of about 50 feet, and dropped us off at our other plane, which had an issue with the lavatory and hadn’t boarded yet, thought the shuttle full of passengers was there. Whew! We just made it!

The flight home was short and sweet, and once I touched down I got my bag and drove home. Way too much airline drama this weekend for me!

As far as Knoebels and PPP goes, here are my final thoughts: Knoebels, as I told Matt, is more like a campground with rides, but its kind of like a museum of old rides more than it is an amusement park. It’s odd. I didn’t dislike it, but it has an odd layout, and isn’t like any other park I’ve ever been to. The ride ops are great, though, and operations in general were stellar. And then there’s the food. Great pricing, great food. I ate a lot. And drank (Yum Birch Beer!). And of course, then there are Phoenix and Twister. Both of them are amazing, and I will definitely head back to the park just for those. No, it isn’t taking the top spot as my favorite park, but I didn’t in anyway dislike it. I’m glad I finally went.

As for the Cottages, they could use some real work. Or at least ours could have. Instead of using the garage, a bedroom, the (possible) dining area, and the washroom for storage, they could either provide a car garage or turn it into a rec room. If they renovated it, they could have had a dining room, a nice looking little house, 3 bedrooms, and another large pantry. Sadly, I wouldn’t risk staying in one ever again. Plus there was mold, and it bothered me (it still is as I’m writing this).

And when it comes to the event, it’s one of the oddest events I’ve ever been to. Not sure I ‘got’ the event. There was a lot of people there (1400 registered), the lines for the rides were just like they were for the rest of the day. Sure, we got food and games, and I’m not complaining, but it was so different than any enthusiast event I’ve been to. Definitely more of a social event than a riding event (and I still didn’t get to hang with a lot of people I’d wanted to).

#Knoebel's Grove #Phoenix Phall Phunfest #Elysburg #2010 #Pennsylvania

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