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livvynka · 4 years ago

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The Vacation (Kamilah & Amy) - Part 2

Warning: SMUT. I’m not native english speaker, feel free to correct me (i would be actually glad).

1100 + words

Tag list: @fal-carrington @samanthadalton @vonda-b-real @drmmyrs @straightlikewetspaghetti @blaine-hayes @lizielasyd @mrskamilahsayeed @millasayeed @ntoraplayschoices @ilove-kamilah-sayeed @kamilah-is-queen @rhonda-sayeed @queenkamilah @domakir @kwaj115

Please consider following these people. They are talented and their blogs are great! If you want to be tagged or do not want to be tagged anymore, please, contact me.

And thank you for your support. I appreciate all likes, reblogs, comments. You are all amazing!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters, they are property of PixelBerry studios!

Last part:

Amy:

“And I was always thrilled to make out on airplane… I think I need help with something in toilet… Care to join?”

Amy smirk at Kamilah and slide her hand to Kamilah side. Kamilah raise an eyebrow. Kamilah eyes flash in red for second.

Kamilah:

“Lead the way.”

Amy stand up and pull Kamilah by hand. Amy look in every direction so noone cant see them when they enter the toilet. Kamilah turn to door and lock them.

Amy push Kamilah against the door. Amy’s hand wondering at Kamilah belly.

Kamilah:

“Hmm, my dirty, dirty girl.”

Kamilah tries to escape, but Amy hold her hand above her head.

Amy:

“Shh… This trip is about making you feel good. Starting…”

Amy unbutton Kamilah’s pants and slightly touch her abdomen. Kamilah gasp, lean her forehead to cold material of the door. Try to gain some self-control... Amy turn Kamilah around, so she can face her and kiss her hungrily. By one hand still holding Kamilahs hands above her head and with other…

With other hand squeezing Kamilah’s side. Amy move to Kamilah’s jaw line, continues to Kamilah’s earlobe and bite hard. Kamilah arch to Amy with the growl.

Kamilag:

“When i take my hands to you, you will ... - aaah”¨

Amy tease Kamilah’s center thru her pants, lightly and yet it drives Kamilah crazy.

Amy:

“I very much hope so. But now...”

Amy pulls Kamilah out of her pants and underwear, throw her blazer to ground and rip her shirt in half. Than trace her nails over new revealed skin.

Kamilah shudder and her eyes change to crimson red. And said with shaky voice.

Kamilah:

“Amy just fuck me, I can’t handle this anymore.”

Amy:

“Alright my love”

Amy sink to here knees, pul Kamilah’s legs apart, let one of Kamilah’s leg relax on her shoulder. Then she start workship Kamilah. She suck her, lick her... Circling around Kamilah’s clitoris. With her hand squeezing her butt, another hand press on Kamilah’s stomach to hold her still.

Kamilah moan loudly, Amy stop and look at Kamilah directly.

Amy: “

You need to be quiet, in other way they ban us for next flights.”

Kamilah:

“We’ll see who’s gonna be .. - jeez -us --ss”

Amy enters two finger inside Kamilah and move her mouth to Kamilah’s vulva again. Teasing one of her nipple.

Kamilah start to tremble uncontrollably, pant heavily. Hands on Amy’s shoulders. Hold her firmly, she will leave bruises for sure...

Than Kamilah explode, two times in row... Throw here head back and bite her tongue. Amy uprise and kiss Kamilah. She whispers.

Amy:

“I love you soo much.”

When Kamilah catch here breath again she grabs Amy and lift her to the near sink. Amy let out a surprise moan and pull Kamilah to close the distance, legs tangled by her sides. Kamilah smirk on that move. She doesn’t hesitate and undress Amy completely. Kissing the path of nude skin of Amy’s. Amy grab her by chin and connect their mouth again. Kamilah smile into the kiss and than suck Amy’s bottom lip.

Kamilah: “

So horny and demanding...”

She’s merciful and give Amy what she wants. She slide her two fingers inside Amy. Amy roll her eyes when pleasure begins be hard to take. Kamilah fasten the pace a lick Amy’s nipple. With other hand teasing her clitoris. Amy start to shake and let out moan.

Kamilah:

“What were you saying about not being loud?

”

She smirk at her wife. It was her lullaby. Watching Amy’s body shaking with the climax coming, hear her moans, when Amy says her name. It thrills her.

She pumps in Amy with unnatural speed. Amy cursed and bite into Kamilah neck with her fang fully out. She feed from Kamilah, but she does not care. She would give her anything.

Kamilah add the third finger when she feels Amy’s gonna fell of the edge any second.

Kamilah:

“Let go my Queen.”

Kamilah’s soft voice was the last string. Amy’s vision went blur and she shout hers wife name.

Amy: “Ka- Kamilah!”

Amy fell in Kamilah’s arms and giggle.

Amy:

“You are going to be dead of me. I love you more btw.”

Kamilah gives Amy sweet kiss and help her wife get dressed again. They go back to their seats.

Kamilah:

“That was something else. I need to say I start liking to fly in economy class.”

Amy:

“I wonder the reason behind it...”

She smiles at Kamilah teasingly.

Kamilah:

“You are right, we need this. And I do everything in my power so we enjoy this time. I want you to show you some places in Prague too. Maybe we can even extend our vacation.”

Amy:

“That would be perfect, I don’t really care where we go, I just want to be with you.”

Kamilah tangle their fingers and lean against Amy’s shoulder. Amy pets her head gently.

Amy:

“Maybe not everywhere. I don’t like Japan or ´Island of Death´.”

Kamilah chuckle.

Kamilah:

“Nor Japan or ´Island of death´ stop me to try to make you happy every second of our life.”

Amy: “

You know I will do everything in my power to make you happy too? You are the dearest person to me, and I’m nothing without you.”

Kamilah:

“For me you are everything...”

They both fall asleep when one of the fly attendant come and wake up Amy.

Fly attendant:

“Miss, pardon me, for waking you up, would you like to eat something? Here is the menu, we have some Czech and American possibilities for food. We will come in few minutes to take your order.”

Amy:

“Thank you, we will let you know.”

Amy:

“Kami, baby. Wake up.”

Amy kiss Kamilah’s nose and brush her fingers across her cheeks. Kamilah open her eyes slowly.

Kamilah:

“What's the matter? I was enjoying my sleep.”

Amy:

“We can try our first Czech food together, look.”

She handle the menu to Kamilah. Kamilah still leaning against Amy. Kamilah looks at the menu with reluctance

Kamilah:

“Do we need to eat this? We can eat when we land.”

Amy stomach rumbles. Kamilah sigh.

Kamilah :

”Alright let's have. Ermm. What is this? Ghulagshdsad soap”

Amy chuckle. And say with humor in her voice.

Amy:

“It’s now actually not bad food. And you can pronounce it ´Goo - laash´. Well, with consideration we are on airplane and the food in economy class is far away matching the real Goulash from country local restaurant...”

Kamilah:

“Fine, let’s have it.”

Soon, after they order it with Czech beer, Goulash arrive. Kamilah look at the soap with caution.

Amy:

“Do not worry. It’s stew of meat, almost everytime from beef or veal and vegetables, flavoured with paprika spice. Try it.”

Amy practically shove the spoon in Kamilah mouth. Kamilah eyebrow quirk and she look at her wife with annoyance. She let Amy feed her. She eventually like the ´Ghoulash´ food or whatever is that.

Kamilah:

“It’s spicy but acceptable.”

She took a spoon from Amy and eat almost whole bowl. Amy rise a eyebrow at her and giggle.

Amy:

“So its ´acceptable´ you say. Let me buy you real Ghoulash when we are in center.”

Kamilah with full mouth.

Kamilah:

“Uhm, yes please.”

After another 7 hours airplane land in Prague. It was night already. Amy hide yawn behind her hand.

Amy:

“Hmm, let’s get to our apartment to freshen up, and we can go for short walk.”

Kamilah take Amy’s hand and kiss her forehead.

Kamilah:

“Sure my love.”

...

PART 1

#kamilah sayeed #choices kamilah #kamilah x mc #fanfic #wlwsmut #choices #choices stories you play #BloodBound #choices bloodbound

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rogershoe · 4 years ago

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Lights, Camera, Action

Part seven

(Part six)

Summary: You’re a production assistant on the set of Cursed. The night before your first day at work, you opened your laptop to shockingly realise you’d be working with Daniel Sharman (and a plethora of other amazing actors), someone you’d been watching on screen since you were a teenager. You kept your expectations low, the PAs rarely got to interact with the talent…what was your chance?

Word count: 3.1k

Tag list: @sxperncturalimpala67 @mrsaaronkeener @tinygardensoul @disasterday @5am-cigarette @lancelotapricot @demoiselle-en-detresse00 @slytherlight @18somethingpsyche @ceruleanmusings @glxctt @cavillxhenry @lovelyapplessss @hereagainsstuff @linkpk88 @aliceperdida @weeping-redemption @magicalsaladnacho @ineedyourskulls @fandomarstrash @cheythefangirl @pure-ghost @estrielle @tessxblxckthorn @isaac-lahey-is-bae @bubblyanis @proudhufflepuff77 @dollfacev8 @everlastingdreams @thehatredofshiprrick

Warnings: age gap between reader and Daniel, swearing, slow burn, mentions of sex

Notes: So sorry if this chapter is also a bit all over the place! I’ve been very distracted with school and it’s been a bit harder to find the time to write. All that said, here’s chapter seven and I hope you guys enjoy it!! Sorry again in advance for the lack of Daniel content, but I promisee that the next will have a lot more to make up for it. Thanks for reading!

(picture by @archivesharman)

“We’re good then?” he said, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear.

“Ofcourse….yeah….we were always good” you mumbled.

He smiled at you before turning around and walking away.

What had just happened? You didn’t know if this day was the best you had ever had or the worst.

It was probably both.

As you pulled off your headset, your heartbeat thudded in your ears. Too many thoughts rushed through your mind, some good some bad. Why was he apologising to you? Did he really think he was at fault? And had he actually heard the part where Cassandra mentions you getting nervous around him? Had he noticed your uneasy behaviour? Or was he going to start noticing?

You thought you’d hid it oh so well…that no one could tell you had a weird crush on Daniel. Was it even a crush? Or was it feelings? You barely knew him, you’d have to get over it sooner or later…or atleast you hoped you would.

One part of you wished you could be like Siara. She didn’t give a shit if they were actors. She saw them as regular human beings and nothing more. She didn’t get nervous or starstruck. From what you’d seen, those were the type of people actors felt comfortable around to like and be friends with. Not anxious fangirls like you.

You shook your head, shivering. Why did it have to be so cold?

6:06 pm

You walked into your apartment, which was not much warmer than the outside. You took off your sweater and put on a thicker one, also grabbing a warm blanket and settling on your couch. The second you turned on your tv, you saw that Netflix was recommending Medici to you. You had seen from Daniels instagram that he was starring in the second season. Maybe this was a sign that it was time to watch the first. You clicked play and leaned back into your couch, letting the show whisk you away from your own troubles.

Tuesday, January 15th, 2019

3:32 am

You jerked awake when your phone vibrated on your thigh. You were shocked when you looked down at your watch to see it was half past three. You had only gotten through one episode of Medici before falling asleep from your exhaustion. You contemplated falling asleep again but decided against it, you were starving and hadn’t had anything to eat since 12:30.

You felt oddly refreshed, and felt like going out to get something to eat. You usually weren’t the spontaneous type, especially not at 3 am…but for some reason, your body craved fast food and also the cold night air. You though it out in your head and decided that you could get drive thru and eat it in your car, and by the time you were done, it would be time for work anyways.

You got up and got ready. Freshening up and putting on your “work clothes”. You hadn’t slept for eight hours straight in a while and so didn’t even feel the need to drink your usual cup of morning coffee.

You grabbed your jacket and headed out, your keys jingling as you locked your apartment door.

The night breeze was just as you imagined. The cold crisp air felt oddly refreshing against your face, and you could almost taste the coldness when you inhaled. You had kept your car window down, weirdly craving the chillness.

After a few minutes though, you found yourself shivering and rolled up your car window, licking your lips to warm them. You thought over where to get breakfast (or dinner?), and decided that McDonalds was your best bet. You knew they’d be open and also exactly what to get.

It took you five minutes to get to your local McDonalds. You pulled into the drive thru window and ordered a McChicken, a large fries, a coke, and an Oreo mcflurry. You usually never ate a big breakfast, especially before work, but you were starving and felt like you could eat their whole menu. Actually, you were holding back.

You got the food, breathing deeply when the hot smell of salty fries wafted towards your nose. There was a 7/11 a few shops down so you went and parked in front of it. From you seat, you could clearly see the door of the 7/11, and also the inside through the windows. It was one of the few places open at this time and you loved people watching. Especially people at a store at 4 am in the morning.

You pulled out your food and took a bite, your jaw aching with pleasure. When you took a sip of the coke, you could feel the cool liquid travel down your throat and through your chest. You looked up and saw that there was a cashier inside the 7/11, a teenage boy. He was sitting on a chair, his eyes droopy.

You tore your eyes from him when you heard a car pull into a parking spot a few spaces away from you. Your eyes widened in confusion when you saw Bradley step out. You knew your next actions were stupid and immature but you still went ahead.

You quickly (but carefully) put your food down on the seat next to you, and with unnatural swiftness, pushed/jumped yourself onto the back seat, lying flat on your back so he wouldn’t see you. You hoped he hadn’t seen the car move, but you don’t think he did since a second later you saw him walk into the 7/11, unbothered. You took a deep breath looking at your watch, it was 4:12 am. Huey had texted you saying that the crew and actors both would have an early start today. You would have to be at the studio by 5:00, which was 10 minutes from the store.

The position you were in wasn’t uncomfortable, but it was definitely getting slightly hard to breath. What the fuck were you doing? You should just get up and continue eating, he probably wouldn’t see you anyways.

Before you could, you saw him coming out and froze, holding your breath. You saw him look into your car but not at you, just at the empty front seats. There was a small box in his hand but you couldn’t tell what it was. You waited for his car to pull out but after waiting for almost thirty seconds, you got increasingly confused. Suddenly the car started shaking rhythmically and your eyes widened when you realised what he was doing.

He was busy now so you quickly got up and climbed into the front seat.

Seriously? He was really having sex in a car an hour before work? It was odd but you weren’t one to judge. You actually envied his spontaneity.

You started your car and drove away.

4:50 am

You opened the door of your car and got out, locking it behind you. You felt sick from all the food you ate, especially since it was right after you woke up. After you had driven away from the 7/11, you had decided to just eat in the studio’s parking lot and wait until it was time for work. Now.

You walked towards the building, rubbing your hands up and down your arms, your keys jingling in between your fingers. It was freezing this early in the morning.

When you walked into the studio, you were surprised to see all of the PAs except Bradley and Jay standing in a group together, talking to Huey. You walked over and greeted them, standing next to Siara. Huey was looking through the papers and you took the opportunity to ask her what exactly was happening.

“What’re you guys talking about?” you whispered.

She turned to you, also speaking quietly, “Something about how we might have to travel somewhere”

“Us?” you said surprised.

She nodded. You swallowed, trying to lessen your excitement. They would probably want the more experienced PAs anyways.

Huey cleared his throat and you turned to look at him.

“Alright. Please listen carefully since I’m not going to repeat this”

Everyone nodded and he continued, “To make a long story short, we’re going to be moving filming to England in two weeks and we want all of you to come with us. It’s fine if you’re unable to, but it would be extremely convenient for the production if our crew were mostly the same”

He paused and you took a glance at Siara. Her expression was blank. You sighed looking away and at Huey, who was now speaking again.

“All expenses, plane tickets and accommodation are payed for. Along with lunch, breakfast is also included. We’ll be in England for nine months with a two week break every three months”

Distraught spread through you as you realised you would have to be in England for nine fucking months…only if you accepted.

You nodded as Huey handed a folder to each of you, “This has all of the information you’ll need…if you decide to come, sign this and give it to me before the end of this week”. He walked away, leaving you all to discuss what you were to do.

Louis spoke up first, smiling widely, “Please tell me you guys are coming, you have to come”, he sounded like an excited child.

You beamed, “I really want to…but, it’s more than half a year”, you saw a sad expression spread over his face.

“I’m going…I’ve always wanted to visit Europe” you heard Siara say.

“Come on Y/N” Louis said looking at you.

“I’ll decide when I go home and let you both know” you said smiling. You wanted to go so bad, but the thought of nine months away from home terrified you. Even if you could visit.

10:48 pm

You had just gotten out of the shower and settled into your bed after drying off. Your work day had been exciting of course, but definitely not as eventful as yesterday. You hadn’t interacted with Daniel except your usual “hey”. You had talked to Jasmine about the change in shooting and she had told you that her and Cassandra were definitely going. Although you hated Cassandra, Jasmine was one of your closest friends on set and that made the decision much easier.

You pulled out your phone and opened your’s and Louis’ chat.

Y/N Hey, good news! I’ve decided I’m gonna come. I’m gonna miss Talia, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I don’t wanna miss out at all!! I'm so excited [10:29 pm]

Louis What?? That’s great! I honest don’t know what I would’ve done without you [10:32 pm]

Y/N Hahaha We’ll def talk more about it at work tomorrow, I think I should really sleep now lmao [10:33 pm]

Louis Of course of course. Same here...gn! [10:33 pm]

Y/N Gn :) [10:34 pm]

You smiled to yourself before texting Siara as well. She usually took longer to reply so you decided not to wait and turned your phone off.

You were equally nervous, scared, and excited for the trip. You’d get to travel? To another continent? Over a whole ocean? For nine fucking months? And almost for free? You honestly couldn’t believe it. The nine months still scared you but you tried to focus on other things instead. Like the beautiful sights you’d get to see in your time off…and also the places you’d get to shoot scenes. Daniel obviously as well. You wondered for a while if he was happy to go to England too. It was his childhood home.

Friday, January 25th, 2019

5:05 pm

You licked your lips to warm them as you entered Daniel’s trailer and took a deep breath as the warmth inside enveloped you.

It had been two weeks of helping Cassandra and Jasmine and you had finally gotten the hang of it. So far, your first day had still definitely been the most eventful, with you cutting your finger and then Cassandra getting angry at you. The rest of the days had been much better in some ways. You were still very giddy around Daniel, but you had learned how to hide it.

It was also much easier since you were more confident in what you were doing. You had actual jobs, like removing his make up and getting his skin ready…things which Jasmine used to do before you. Now that you did it, it gave Cassandra and Jasmine both more time to focus on his actual make up and hair. Cassandra wasn’t much better. She hadn’t blown up on you again like she had that day, but there was a significant increase in scowls, eyebrow raises, and dissaproving looks in general. If looks could kill, you’d be dead ten times over.

��Hi Y/N” Jasmine said, as you closed the door behind you. You looked around and saw that Cassandra was absent. Thank God.

“Hey” you replied, grinning. You glanced towards Daniel, who offered you a short smile.

You got to work, pulling out a make up wipe and rubbing down his face gently. You had learned that leaving the tears for last was best. That way you could use a separate, stronger wipe on them too.

Although you had done this about ten times now, it always made your flutter to be so near him. It was also odd how accustomed you had gotten with his skin. You noticed whenever he had a new scratch, or a pimple, a tan…any small changes.

For some reason, it made you feel special to be this close to him. It almost didn’t make sense to your brain, how close you were to him everyday, yet how little you actually interacted with and knew about him.

Today you were too busy looking at his eyelashes and didn’t realise you had run your wipe directly over a small cut on his jaw. He hissed slightly, opening his eyes. Jasmine cocked her head towards you both from where she was looking through a make up drawer.

Your mouth hung open in shock as you snatched your hand away from his face. Your eyes fell to where his cut was, and you swallowed. Why did you have to be so distracted and clumsy?

“Oh no, I’m so sorry” you said nervously and rushed over to the sink, wetting the corner of a small towel.

You jogged back over to his chair, being extra gentle as you dabbed the damp corner on the cut, trying to wipe the make up wipe’s liquid away. You then dried it with the dry part of the towel.

“It’s fine really Y/N” he said laughing slightly, “It happened during filming”

Your skipped a beat when you heard him say your name. It was still surreal to you that Daniel Sharman knew you….let alone you name. You smiled slightly before setting the towel down on the counter.

“Is it still stinging?” you said gesturing to his jaw, your hands shaking.

“Oh no, not at all” he said shaking his head. You felt that he wasn’t telling the truth but you let it go. Grabbing the make up wipe, you continued wiping his make up off. It was a much smoother process, and you took the time to ease your racing heart rate.

The flight was tomorrow and you couldn’t help but feel excited every time you thought about it. Louis had informed you that Jay and Bradley had opted out of coming on the trip. You were sad about Jay’s decision, but not so much Bradley’s.

You were happy but also terrified that your work was taking you out of comfort zone. Jasmine had texted you yesterday saying that she’d pick you up so you could both go to the airport together, which made the whole ordeal a whole less nerve wracking.

You had gotten quite used to this trailer, to the studio…..and you hoped that your routine and jobs (that you had finally gotten somewhat good at), wouldn’t change the minute you got to England.

Saturday, January 26th, 2019

2:58 am

You jerked awake and checked your phone, afraid you’d overslept. Nope, there was still a whole two minutes left until your alarm. The flight was at 7:00 am and you had told Jasmine that you wanted to get there atlaeast two and a half hours before. You rather be early and wait in the airport for an hour than be late and miss the flight.

You had thankfully packed everything the night before and it only took you almost forty minutes to get yourself and your bags ready. Just a few minutes after you were done, you phone rang. It was Jasmine.

“Hey, you’re here?” you said, smiling and wheeling your suitcases closer to your apartment’s door. You phone wedged between your cheek and shoulder.

“Yes!” she said sounding excited. You were eager to go too, but you had only slept four hours and were finding it hard to get to her level of excitement.

“Great..I’ll be right down”

It was a struggle, but you managed to get both your suitcases into the elevator and onto the curb outside your apartment building where Jasmine was waiting. The cold night air hit you like a brick, and you felt energy surge through you.

Jasmine got out of her car quickly, “Oh let me help you with those”

You both loaded your suitcases into the trunk of her car. Y

You rubbed you hands together warming them, as you got into the car, you backpack at your feet. Jasmine started the car, beaming.

“You excited?” she said, driving.

“Very” you laughed, turning the heater up. You were tired, but the adrenaline from your excitement kept you wide awake.

4:56 am

It took you guys almost twenty minutes to get the airport, which wasn’t bad. You were now walking through the airport, your luggage hopefully making it’s way onto your plane. You had made it through security smoothly, and there had been no problems with your boarding pass or passport. If there had, Cassandra would’ve probably killed you both.

“What’s the gate number?” you asked Jasmine, who was holding the boarding passes.

“Uhh” she looked at them, “32B”

You nodded, just a little farther. The smell of coffee and food from the various little cafes made your stomach grumble.

You thought your adrenaline would’ve died down by now but it hadn’t. You tried to keep telling yourself that it was because you were travelling to Europe…but inside, you knew the real reason you were so excited.

#daniel sharman #daniel sharman fanfiction #daniel sharman fanfic #daniel sharman fic #isaac lahey #daniel sharman x reader #daniel sharman x oc #daniel sharman x original character #daniel sharman one shot #daniel sharman headcanon #daniel sharman fluff #daniel sharman imagine #cursed #cursed fanfiction #cursed fic #cursed netflix #netflix #cursed x reader #daniel sharman writing

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cloveroctobers · 4 years ago

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CHELSEA ELLE HODGSON —

IG info/Bio: @/chelseaaahodecor | 109k followers | hi babes! welcome to my life lovelies, please get comfy with this Prosecco im serving thru this screen! xx here’s my site if you need some light in ur life: ichelseahdgsondesigns.com 🏝💕

24 (25) years

From Buckinghamshire, England

Comes from a wealthy family

her father’s side of the family founded, “Hodgson investments” their company is built off of financial services

Her papo (grandfather) was arrested on tax invasion & served some time for doing so

Her father, Alistair now manages the company but under a different name

Her mother’s side of the family comes from old money...something about horses?

Her mother, Connie holds many events and seems to make $ from them but Chelsea isn’t quite sure what the woman does or if it’s fully legal

The family is all about protecting their image & if you don’t cut it, there will be repercussions

Feels a little like dynasty (I’ve only seen 2-3 episodes & never finished but get the point?) , maybe that’s why Chelsea & her sister enjoy watching it so much

Parents forsure held courtship events or either went to courtship events with their children (even Albie) & found suitors in hopes of marrying their daughters off (& finding Albie a new wife, only on Mrs. Hodgson’s part— mr. Hodgson seems nicer/easy-going)

Has older twin sibs: Albie-Crispin & Dolly-Georgiana

Often referred to as “the triplet” in the press

Well-known in their city

They’re all called by their first & middle name in their family household even tho their parents do not have middle names

Has a love/hate relationship with albie, he is selfish & has proven to do anything to drag others down to make himself look better

He’s a lawyer & has been married to his wife for about 7 years

Mrs. Hodgson, Dolly, & Chelsea all agree they do not like her but Chelsea puts on a smile whenever her sister-in-law is around while Mrs. Hodgson makes it known that she dislikes the woman, she thinks she’s beneath her son since her family does not make nearly enough $ put together between her & Mr. Hodgson

Dolly has a bf who’s a dental hygentist that she’s been dating for about 3 years but they’re both cheating on each other, she doesn’t think she’ll ever be married

She’s in office management

Chelsea fell in love with interior decorating from the moment she played with doll houses. Her grandparents made sure to send her the biggest doll houses they could find every Christmas. She’s always been in love with rearranging and picking certain items and best putting them into a space that works

She shit at drawing (she’ll leave that to the Architects) but she knows her furniture & patterns quite well

Has asked a few architects out on dates, some she worked with or stumbled across, only one seemed like it could have truly worked...I imagine him to look a bit like Henry Cavill with light facial hair (told you I’m a sucker for it, & Chelsea probably can tolerate just a bit not too much)

Yet Chelsea always has a wondering eye, she gets curious quite often which makes you wonder, is she really ready for love? To fully commit? One day she will be

It’s a competitive field and when she’s ready to battle she will but there are moments when she gets let down & has to pick herself up again

Has ADHD, goes to therapy for it & hates taking her meds. She’d rather stick to therapy sessions since it’s always nice to talk to someone

When she was younger she probably stole a friend or two’s bf & would definitely get mad if they did it back to her but they somehow still end up being friends in the end? Yikes

Hung out with the popular kids, was always at the parties making sure everyone was having a good time. Filling up the cups, directing where furniture should be moved, where the kegs should go, how many people should be there, etc...She doesn’t seem like the stuck up type like her mother but she is privileged & doesn’t realize it as much

Was a cheerleader & ran track, quit track to commit full-time to cheerleading since that kept her in shape enough

Dated here & there, had one bf where they would scream at each other and wouldn’t allow the other to leave or would be upset that the other didn’t come after them...yeah one of those couples

Broke up with her goth bf because he didn’t tell her he wasn’t coming to school for about a week; he had the stomach flu

Canon: Took a computer course in high school & in uni & found out she was at the top of her class for typing the fastest, she now loves the sound of her short pink ombré nails on the keys

Canon: Wanted to be a show jumper due to her mother’s side of the family & their history with horses

Goes to the stables every now & then, there’s one horse there that she’s absolutely in love with & loves to ride. Her father always offered to buy it for her but it’s not a animal she wants to own

Canon: loves finger foods + will get full off them at events quickly. She also doesn’t mind the tiny portions of food at expensive ass restaurants, it’s just enough for her

Takes hair supplements. Probably had long hair growing up that she always kept up in a bun or ponytail but decided to start chopping her hair off & getting layers & highlights which damaged her hair

Approves of plastic surgery

Is part of the itty bitty titty community & got a lift for them

Gets lip fillers for her bottom lip but isn’t a fan of needles + overlines her top lip

loves going to the dermatologist, the spa for facials & whatever else she’s willing to try & finding new skincare to buy

Tans & loves tropical hot summers

Buys an overload of bikinis even in the winter

Hates the rain, it messes with her mood

Loves a good lipstick & lipgloss combo, nudes & pinks are her to go to’s

Fav color is pink

Got herself a guinea pig after the show & named her “bubbly” after her baby in the villa

I feel like she would eventually get a tiny dog too

Has her own flat, that’s quite far from all of her family. She loves her dysfunctional problematic family but Chelsea likes her space from them too

Since buckinghamshire’s culture is more of a Middle Ages style, Chelsea made sure her home wouldn’t hold much of that style inside. It needed to be lively! Her family home was filled with dark wood & she can’t stand that

She loves going to the markets tho. She always seems to leave with something & either finds herself not liking it months later and ends up selling whatever item caught her interest

Her family tends to pop in whenever they want, especially her mother

Canon: talks about cat cafe’s when she’s drunk, says its her version of the chocolate factory + she’s the dancing drunk

Always down for a girls night out, girls trip & girls sleepovers

Probably goes to bed early around 10pm or earlier m if she’s not out having the time of her life, which makes her regret her choices the next morning

All her closest friends back home are a group of girls

Hangs out with Priya, Marisol, & Hope from the villa whereas the rest she’ll mostly communicate with them through socials or gatherings

Will host gatherings & expect them ALL to show up

Is dramatic when things don’t go her way

Loses focus more than gets bored in relationships? She’ll find other things or people to occupy her time which she doesn’t realize can be hurtful to others

When she does realize she hurts someone, she immediately wants to fix it

Canon: Is a blabbermouth. Cannot hold a secret for shit, also cannot tell a lie. Her body language gives it away first if she doesn’t spill it

Retail therapy is the best therapy if she doesn’t have a office appointment

Any spice girl song will be her karaoke song, she is always baby spice

Loves her Prosecco (me too sis!) & keeps plenty bottles in her wine fridge. She originally wanted a space with a wine cellar but got creeped out at the thought since it’s just her & bubbly living in the home

Has high cell phone bills, the girl loves a good chat

Cannot cook no matter how hard she tries. She’s been to cooking classes with an ex, watched videos, order from those food delivery sites to prepare food & it just never turns out well

Will spend hours in furniture stores, she’s had to be escorted out pass closing hours by security guards before & manage to make friends out of them. They all know who she is in majority of the stores she enters

Throws a party every time her following goes up. There’s never not a reason to throw one

Was upset that Carl unfollowed her once and figured Hannah made him do it. Which wasn’t true, Hannah was sure of herself now & doesn’t feel the need to be jealous, the man could follow whoever he wanted—she knew he barely stayed on IG in the first place. He thought it was too shallow

So when Chelsea called him one night sobbing he was utterly confused, he didn’t understand why a follow meant so much

He reluctantly followed her back

Thrilled to know Elijah, Lucas, & Carl all keep up with her. Oh & the rest of the boys ofc!

Chats with Jakub! They also hang out. They’re a bit of a odd pairing but they get along well, he’s basically another big brother to her but she actually likes him—

Afraid of the dark, keeps fairy lights lit throughout the night in her bedroom, keeps scent infused night lights in her hallways

Believes in feng shui

I feel like her voice is soft like jennifer Tilly’s?

Idk what her sun sign is? Is she a sag far as daydreaming cause she does that. I KNOW she has Leo in her chart, she’s dramatic, warm, likes to be admired & appreciated. Sun sign I need help? Maybe she’s a Sagittarius sun? + Leo moon + libra rising

Has a collection of celeb gossip magazines that she keeps on a stand next to her pink velvet chair beside her bow window

I think she will be the first islander that gets pregnant tbh & it’s by an architect (the guy I mentioned/envisioned that’s been waiting on her to realize he can give her the love she needs or prove he can balance her out) or firefighter or someone “manly” she wouldn’t end up with a islander I don’t think

she has a girl & names her, “adore”

Canon: Still wants 5 kids but we’ll see how that goes & if it’ll change, it’s been a bit difficult not drinking Prosecco but she’s got a lovely baby out of it

Crushes? Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Alfred Enoch, Alex Pettyfer, Joe Cole, Gregg Sulkin, Frank Dillane, Charlie Rowe, & Hero Fiennes Tiffin

Can listen to anything that’s got a good beat. But we all know she’s a pop & folk genre lover. She listens to: Astrid S, Maty Noyes, Cher Lloyd, Bebe Rexha, Allie X, Poppy, POST MALONE, etc.

Anthem? Gabrielle Aplin — Until the sun comes up

#litg #litg2 #litg s2 #litg Chelsea #litg carl #litg headcanon #litg headcanons #litg au #50/50 like Chelsea lol #she’s sweet but there’s things that she’s done that makes me side eye her #wouldn’t keep her around my man if she’s single tbh lmao #litg3 #litg s3

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austennerdita2533 · 4 years ago

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ooh can you do those same top three questions but for suits and tvd :)

Sure can, nonnie! xx

*Just as a general disclaimer for anyone else who happens to read this: my ship preferences are what they are. I’m simply stating my opinion/preference and am in no way encouraging hate or fights. Discussion is always welcome, of course, but happy vibes here only!

*2020 sucks enough as it is without bringing ship drama into it, you know?

TVD

Top 3 seasons:

-1, 2, and 3 without an ounce of hesitation. This was when the show was at its peak in storytelling, characterization, ship development, magic/mythology etc.

Top 3 romantic ships:

-Klaroline. One of my highest echelon ships for reasons I do not need to enumerate; however, I will say what I love about them most is they challenge as well as complement each other in beautifully rich, convoluted ways. Their back and forth is ridiculously entertaining, too!

-Kalijah. They have spice, and angst, and forbidden love, and 500+ years of cat-and-mouse chasing and I will be over here bitter about them for eternity!

-Forwood. *excuse me while I cry over “until we find a way” for a few hours* These two went through so much to be together! Their progressive arc in s2-s3 is still one of my favorites.

*I’m Swiss neutral when it comes to Stelena and Delena, I vacillate between both ships at different times so they’re not included in my top 3. I’m an anomalous TVD shipper, a true outlier, what can I say?

Top 3 platonic ships:

-Klelijah. Klaus and Elijah have an incredibly dense, fraught brotherly dynamic. Something about their ancient ties and 1,000-year bond is gripping. There’s so much spoken and unspoken subtext between them. So many unresolved “somethings.” Plus, it’s no secret that I adore the Originals and all they add to the TVD-verse.

-Klebekah. Klaus and Rebekah sparkle, they sizzle, any time they’re on-screen together. Just the sheer depth of feeling and betrayal and angst they emanate is so entertaining to watch. Don’t get me started on the whole “I loved you more than anyone and you didn’t even care” scene because I get emotional.

-Defan. Stefan and Damon are another complex sibling relationship on the show. Throw into the mix that they find themselves in love with same woman, not once, but twice, and whew! I love the flashbacks we get of them throughout history as well.

*Gotta give shoutouts to my other favorite, though moderately less well-developed, brotps here: Carenzo, Katholine, Rebekoline, and Baroline. *chef’s kiss*

Top 3 characters:

-Caroline Forbes

-Klaus Mikaelson

-Katherine Pierce

Top 3 plotlines you’d change/erase if you could:

-THE BABY PLOTS ! ! ! BOTH OF THEM!!!!!!!!! (I’m talking Klaus/Haley and their tribrid baby and Caroline’s surrogacy/pregnancy with the Gemini twins.) I apologize for my overemphasized caps + exclamation points here, but I loathe these storylines with every fiber of my being. I can’t help it. More often than not, I like to pretend they don’t exist lololol.

-How they handled the beginning of Stefan and Caroline’s romantic relationship was...icky. Like, while Liz was dying? Really? Then she turns off her humanity because he “rejects” her. Again, REALLY? I have major issues with the overall portrayal of them as a couple - particularly with the relationship imbalances as well as the insecurities they heightened instead of tamped out in each other - but the inception of it all is what kills me. Especially because I am a huge proponent of friends-to-lovers ships...and the writers really dropped the ball with them, imo. I’m a multishipper at heart so the disappointment I harbor is PALATABLE.

-The Cure storyline and the Travelers storyline. Didn’t like either of them. They have equal “could’ve been loads better” billing.

Top 3 episodes you’d take to a deserted island:

-3x14, Dangerous Liaisons. LISTEN. This is my favorite episode of the entire series. There’s a ball, there’s blood-tinged champagne, there’s duplicity and romance and drama. All the Mikaelsons are under the same roof, for crying out loud! It’s gold!

-2x07, Masquerade. This one because of my girl, Katherine Pierce, the biggest, baddest bitch of all. She’s a saucy little minx the entire masquerade only to end up locked in the tomb. I just...love it.

-The Klaroliner in me is screaming 4x23, Graduation because being on a deserted island without having access to Klaus’s iconic “however long it takes” declaration would be insupportable. However, a case could be made for either 3x20, Do Not Go Gentle because I am trash for the decade dances, and that one’s my favorite, OR 3x22, The Departed because that is one hell of a season finale!

Suits

Top 3 seasons:

-Season 2. Mike’s secret out of the bag? Them all working together to fight against the merger? Donna shredding evidence to protect Harvey? Daniel fucking Hardman? *thumbs up*

-Season 5. FIREWORKS. Donna’s working for Louis, Harvey’s in therapy, Mike gets arrested/goes on trial, Zane family drama. Exquisite stuff

-Season 3 or Season 1. Don’t make me choose between them, please. 🙏🏻

Top 3 romantic ships:

-Darvey. I mean, OBVIOUSLY. These two idiots had me from the pilot. I knew the moment Donna said “I also took care of that. we’ve been married for the last 7 years” that I was on the precipice of falling into another long, beautiful, up-to-their-chins-in-pining, slow sloooooow burn ships. Granted, I didn’t think it’d take 8 seasons for them to get together lololol but I don’t regret a damn thing!

-Mike and Rachel. They’re adorable together, they truly love each other. Also, can we talk about how they’re a steady couple for most-ish of the show? They have drama, sure, but they work through most of it together. As a unit. THAT’S A BIG DEAL. It’s like going through the canon drive thru and actually getting (most) of what you ordered.

-Louis and Sheila. This is a couple who makes me laugh uproariously AND feel all the emotions. I mean, will I ever forget Louis dropping to one knee in the hospital with his ass cheeks hanging out? NO. Will I ever get over Shelia’s pregnant feet being too fat to fit into her Cinderella glass slippers? NOT ON YOUR LIFE. Will I blubber like an emo sap whenever they finally reconcile/get their happy ending? YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.

Top 3 platonic ships:

-Mike and Harvey. They have a connection from the beginning but I love seeing how much they rub off on one another, how much deeper their bond grows over the course of the show. Their movie references are always a delight, too. *cries: it’s so beautiful*

-Donna and Louis. Their relationship is so important to me. Like?!?!?!? They have so many fantastic one-on-one moments together - some that make your sides ache with laughter, others that prick your eyes with emotion and tears. Even though it kills me when Donna leaves Harvey to work for Louis, I can’t help but love it too because he fanboys all over her. GIVE DONNA ALL THE LOVE AND APPRECIATION SHE DESERVES.

-Harvey and Louis because they have a formative and/or impactful dynamic. They mostly respect each other but there’s a lot of animosity between them. Makes for such good TV!

Top 3 characters:

-Donna Paulsen aka Fashion Goddess of NYC (can I have all of her outfits? for real) and the Reigning Queen of Sass (who also happens to be the reigning queen of my heart as well). The entire firm would have fallen into collapse without her, FULL STOP.

-Harvey Specter. I have a penchant for stoic, inscrutable, emotionally constipated, on-the-borderline-of-asshole characters and boy did I hit the jackpot with this one!

-This one was hard, but I’m going to go with Louis Litt because his character evolution is amazing! He’s so unlikable at times, what with his competitive streak and anger/jealousy issues, but then there’s this whole other side to him that’s sensitive and vulnerable and sweet. You can’t help but root for him, you know? (Even when you want to punch him right in the nose lol.)

Top 3 plotlines you’d change/erase if you could:

-Harvey giving Paula the credit for why he reconciled with his mother, when it was actually because of Donna. They retcon/fix this in the narrative in s9 but it still bugs me in the moment. I can’t let it go. So sue me.

-Pearson Hardman’s “Harvard Only” hiring law. Not only is it ridiculous and discriminatory but no way in hell would you even be able to implement such a thing in today’s world. Nor should you be able to do so. Diversity is important!

-I wasn’t crazy about the Mike prison storyline but, at the same time, he had to serve out penance for the whole fraud business??? So yeah.

Top 3 episodes you’d take to a deserted island:

-2x07, Sucker Punch. THE MOCK TRIAL, AHHHHHHH. Louis grills Donna about Harvey within an inch of her life. I can hear his inflection during his stream of “do you love Harvey Specter, do you love Harvey Specter” in my head. It is so effing tense in that conference room, I DIE.

3x06, The Other Time. I am all about this flashback episode, okay? It opens Pandora’s box on all things past!Darvey and also shows us how Mike gets thrown out of school.

-8x16, Harvey. If you think I’d willingly retreat to a deserted island without having access to that Darvey love epiphany/love actualization scene then you are kidding yourself! I still blast “Love is Mystical” on full volume just to daydream about that swooping-through-the-apartment-door smooch sometimes. *fans self*

#anonymous #replies #the loveliest of lovely people #ashlee bree talks tvd and suits #i officially want to rewatch suits now anon #so thank you for that #long post #i didn't mean to blab this much #whoops

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startledstars · 4 years ago

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How can for (extreme) example kids being physically abused/raped by strangers/parents be a trial to overcome for good? Girls being kidnapped and sold for sex? Students stepping on a little puppy for views? If this is a sometimes situation where god lets evil thru, then its everyday 24/7 around the world not just sometimes. God cant stop evil, bacause we are everything between good and evil. Not god makes live wonderful nd miserable but we do. Towards us and others. Being afraid of live being meaningless none guiding us, that is what makes religioun(and other factors) u are free when u are open to see. There is no pure good and evil. Whatever you wet thru its not your fault, you happened to be where its bad but you are grown up indipendent and you can choose to be 'good' or 'bad' in order to help u or other people so long u live. But this god, at least how christianity potrays him, is a fear in your head that prevents you at crumbling infront of the worlds truth to make this all more bearable. People should believe whatever they want as long as it gets them going. But saying all you want is the truth, and yet believing in a god as the catholic religion and you present him. You seem to scared for the truth if you are willing to leave it at that. A simple as god knows. What kind of truth are you after? Be at least honest with yourself

Hi,

These are the right questions. The problem of evil is a Big One.

In the past century, we’ve had:

two cities decimated by a nuclear bomb

hundreds of millions of people killed by their own governments (socialism is orders of magnitude worse than the holocaust)

famines that lead to parents killing and eating their own children

a global “pandemic” that governments used as a power grab, shutting down the global economy, causing millions of people to starve

And these are only the things we know. For every rape, abuse, and act of violence that is reported, there are many more that go unreported and unpunished. However, almost every rapist/abuser/theif/murder/politician is justified in their own mind. The true mark of an evil person is that they believe they are righteous, to the point where they are above any laws, and will never be sorry for anything they do.

So, in a Godless world with no objective standards, it’s anyone’s game. Evil is simply a perception; an opinion. Same with good. You can choose to believe in a random, meaningless world where Shit Just Happens and humans are the highest power. You can choose to ignore the fact that there is an undeniable order to reality, where even atheistic scientists admit the universe is so finely tuned, they have to reevaluate their own theories. (That’s actually why the multi-verse theory exists. Scientists have no solid evidence that our universe is one of infinite parallel universe. Watch this video, time stamp 43:19 where famous athiest Dawkins admits the multiverse theory has no scientific evidence.)

You can turn your back on God because He allows things you disagree with. That’s what it usually boils down to: we look at evil with our limited intelligence, perception, and imagination, and decide that because we can’t find a reason for every single instance of wrong doing, no reason can exist.

It’s like a teenager getting mad at his parents because they enforced curfew. Like a toddler raging because she was denied that fifth piece of candy. In those moments, because the child can’t comprehend their parent’s decision, the parent’s character comes into question.

This is pride and short-sightedness, especially when we’re talking about an infinite creator operating on an infinite universe over an infinite span of time.

Again, I’m not condoning or justifying evil. The question of evil and human suffering is extremely valid. And I’ve never shied away from looking at the darkest parts of humanity, because that is an important piece of understanding reality. If you do a little digging, you’ll find that this world is so much more evil that you or I could begin to comprehend. People are evil, and it’s going to continue to get worse.

In the face of such evil, it would be easier to not believe in God. (There’s a post sitting in my drafts about how I actually tried to be an athiest because I couldn’t justify evil.) So I think you’re saying that I’m not sincere when I say “search for the truth,” because from your perspective, I believe in God either out of fear, or because it gives me a false sense of comfort. While I can understand why you might think that (because this is how I used to feel about Christians) it’s simply not the case here.

No one forced these beliefs on me. I am not part of any church or denomination-- the ‘catholic’ comment is a bit out of left field. I don’t blame myself for what happened to me. I don’t blame any victim for their circumstances. Idk there’s some level of misunderstanding and too much to unpack entirely.

But, if you’re looking for real answers to the problem of evil, I’d suggest approaching The Big Man himself. I do this all the time-- when I see something absolutely horrible, I ask Him how he could possibly allow that. Sometimes, He will give you answers (if you’re willing to hear Him out) and almost every time, He will send a sense of peace. This is something you have to experience for yourself to understand.

Also, here are some debates between Atheists at the top of their field and Christians. Both sides present arguments better than I ever could, and I actually watched these videos thinking the Atheists might sway me but. Well, see for yourself:

Does God exist? William Lane Craig vs Christopher Hitchens

Richard Dawkins vs John Lennox - The God Delusion Debate

William Lane Craig and CosmicSkeptic Discuss The Kalam Cosmological Argument

(Not a debate but worth checking out) Stephen Meyer: The Return of the God Hypothesis

Would God Allow Evil? CosmicSkeptic vs InspiringPhilosophy

And here’s a muslim vs. atheist debate to round things out

Bolded my favorites. These take a few hours to get through, but if you’re really interested in the problem of evil or the proof for God, these guys present it well. (btw surprisingly there is more logical/scientific proof for God’s existence than for the athiest or pantheistic model of reality. Check out this short clip. Science and religion used to be two sides of the same coin; people took an intelligent, ordered approach to studying the universe because they believed in an intelligent, ordered creator. So God answered the “why” and science answered the “how” of existence. Just some food for thought.)

I’d also recommend you look into the biblical story of Joseph (his own brothers sold him into slavery, but because of this, Joseph ended up ruling all of Egypt and saving the very brothers who betrayed him). And also the book of Job. While we can’t know everything about the mystery of evil, we can know enough to make an informed decision about God’s existence/character.

Anyways, thank you for this message. I hope you’ll consider the information in this response. I’m glad that you are asking the hard questions, and assure you that the answers are worth seeking and finding. Good night and God bless you :)

#spiritual awakening #spiritual awareness #wow anon really dropped the whole problem of evil\#literally the biggest problem in human history #right in my ask box #i rlly did my best #also lets not forget the jesus death at the cross #arguably the ultimate evil would be to punish an innocent man for the sins of the guilty #but god did that #because to defeat death you gotta die and come back #you can only defeat the ultimate evil by subjecting yourself to it first #and because of jesus' suffering literally billions of people are living better lives and have hope for the future #again its hard to understand unless youve experienced how REAL the peace joy and good health is #all the blessings are tangible #but it starts by searching for the truth #god actually wants you to ask him the hard questions #he does not command blind faith #he reveals his character to you first and allows you to make a decision

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tfw-no-tennis · 4 years ago

Text

hxh movie....2!

ruth and i watched the second hxh movie and that certainly was a movie

the title is already cracking me up lmao ‘the last mission’ THATS SO DRAMATIC.

the first like 3 scenes feel totally disconnected like theyre from different movies vnjskdfnsdkflk

‘many decades ago’ vbhjdsfbajsdf that phrasing is hilarious somehow

damn young netero just killed jeb bush

ah look its our movie villains, starting their villain stuff

so i guess this is set around where we are in the series now - like, somewhere in this beginning part of the chimera ant arc where gon and killua are hanging w/kite. which is kinda funny bc they dont explain AT ALL how and why gon and killua are in this city suddenly hvbajdsfjskdjan

killua skateboarding makes me smile :’) love it

IS THAT ZUSHI??????? AHHHHHHH MY BOY!!!!!!!!!! BABY BOY!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT HIMMMM HES A LIL BUFF 7 YR OLD NOW OUGHHHH HES GROWN SO MUCH...POWERFUL BABY....IM SO PROUD

omg wing and bisky are here too!!! nen fam

im so proud of zushi being a floor master omg....i love how the side characters progress and grow offscreen, separate of the protags, kinda like seeing pokkle again (rip tho, i think)

LEORIOOOOO MY MAN!!!!!!! he really showed up for like 3 seconds then gets KOd and dumped in a sewer....STOP DOING MY MAN SO DIRTY GIVE HIM SCREENTIME..

ohhh so we’re doing anime die hard. kinda like the first macadamia movie

that lady rlly just stabbed herself huh.

these antags look like theyre from naruto. main antag dude looks like about 7 different anime guys fused

oh man netero got dunked on immediately Ls. gotta take him out so the protags can do the fighting

gon and killua are so good. and also in love. epic 12 yr old romance

KURAPIKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lookin sharp in a suit. also just looking depressed as hell in general. KURAPIKA ARE YOU...GOOD....ARE YOU STAYING HYDRATED??? TAKING UR VITAMINS?? I DONT THINK YOU ARE.

also i still cant believe kp is working for neon still...it rlly feels like they just gave up on life and just figured that staying there was fine or w/e

now the 3 protags are goin full die hard thru the tower...WHERE is leorio i cant believe they rlly threw my mans in a sewer like that smh

these guys r rlly called ‘the shadow’ thats so edgy

also i watched this like a few hours ago but im a dumb bitch so im reading thru the wiki article for the movie to remind me what happened, and apparently The Shadow(tm) was the black ops division of the hunter association, and they were later rekkt once they started w/the On...i so didnt get that while actually watching the movie vhdakjfhbskdfn thanks hunterpedia for explaining that one to me

wooowww so the HA rlly just committed massive, morally reprehensible war crimes and then just sealed it all in a book or st and moved on. yikes id be mad too, generic anime dude villain

so these three rlly just resurrected a dude by going into the desert and saying ‘hey we r emo can you give us some power and maybe anime jeb bush’ and that Worked

now kurapika is fighting the dude in the control room and gon&killua are fighting Big Dude WHO BEAT UP ZUSHI!!!!!!!!! get his ass boys

LEORIOOOOOO MMY MAN IS BACK FROM HIS SEWER ADVENTURE!!!!!!!!! ILY SIRRRRR

and then he immediately gets yoinked by hisoka, who is for some reason in this movie. i feel like they were like oh yeah hisoka is like, the 5th main character/antagonistic force of the story so i guess he should be here. its hilarious tho bc he spends 90% of his already limited screentime in this movie just playing w/his playing cards and smirking. bastard man you just gooo awayyyyy

seeing beans again omggggg green dude u r great

also who the FUCK is that smarmy looking blonde at the HA HQ...i hate him already based on 1) his atrocious pattern-clashing fashion sense, and 2) his smarmy aura. he looks like hes never thought a thought in his life. ruth says he might be buddies w/ging which makes me hate him even more

gon and killua....r dating. ty

when gon and the bad guy start fighting in the elevator shaft and killua just kinda watches hvbajddfhbsjf hes like ‘oh the narrative demands that gon fights solo for a bit so i guess ill stay here’ lmao

but then he saves gon with his physics-heavy electromagnet elevator clamp plan....smart baby

then after they defeat the guy they just start chatting lol i love them

ohhh shit the guy exploded, thats fucked up

poor gon :( more trauma for the poor kid

meanwhile kurapika fights an evil clone of themself. wow

tbh kurapika could totally one-up these guys by being like ‘well ok at least you have each other, im the VERY LAST kurta’

its strange to see kurapika fighting w/the sticks instead of the chains tbh

WHO THREW THAT KNIFE AT THE GUY IT HAS TO BE LEORIO HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

LEORIO AND KURAPIKA REUNION HHHHH THEYYYYY

they are married tyvm

kurapika is soooo not doin well like...please get some rest

kurapika referring to their ‘new friends’ hmmmm thats probably an actual canon reference since this doesnt get brought up again in the movie. probs referring to w/e kp is doing in canon at this point

LEORIO USING NEN LMAOOO hes like pshhhh that was easy but internally hes like owww....sir ily sm

damn kurapika rlly stabbed that guy w/a stick huh. rip dude

ohhh shit its those drug capsule things

KURAPIKA RLLY TOOK A BULLET FOR LEORIO HUH. I HATE IT HEREEEEEE

leorio best dude

wow so kp has to make an On covenant OR DIE...yeah i think theyll choose the die option

squad reunion :’) even tho kp is like, dying

gon is such a good boy :( ily baby

leorio and kurapika are str8 up married ty

final battle timeee

love how at this point in the story gon only has one attack so he has no choice but to keep doing that same attack (well, the 3 variations) over and over til st happens lmao

lmao gon and kurapika are rlly on the opposite ends of the ‘On’ scale here w/kp willing to die rather than accept using On, and gon seeking out On for POWER and also VENGEANCE

the themes of gon’s righteous anger on behalf of others continues...

the boys are rlly getting tossed around a lot this movie geez

hh boy gon is now...PURPLE-BLUE

oooh killua convincing the lady to chill out was cool - tho ngl i didnt realize she was still alive

now netero can go ham. i wonder if he’ll finish the fight or if gon will

uh oh gon is Extra Feral now

gon: IM EVIL NOW

killua: NOT ON MY FUCKING WATCH

oughhh they love each other so much bro. fuck this

gon banging his head on the ground and then killua jumping in between him and the ground....true love bro

gon snapped out of it WITH THE POWER OF LOVE!!!!!!!!!! im emo and gay. thanks

love how even when netero was younger he was still like, an old guy lmao

and then the next day theyre all just back in heavans arena hbvhdahdfbjsakf who cares that the building just got hijacked? whatevs

kurapika smiling a little and melody then smiling knowingly....melody is like Bitch I Know Youre In Love

still kurapika seems like. not Right. pls get some therepy

im glad zushi got to fight that guy like he was supposed to....and w/the nen fam cheering him on :’)

THOUGHTS

its wild how they didnt really delve into the whole ‘war crimes’ thing w/the hunter association lmao. idk if this movie is canon so that might be why....they just brushed over the fact that the HA was like, running concentration camps and murdering entire groups of people. wild

this movie was fun!! it felt more like hxh than the last movie, which v much felt like a generic anime movie. this one felt more in character. it did fall into typical anime movie tropes sometimes but the characters felt more like themselves here, espec w/the point of the story this seems to be set at

like gons anger and all that - while it obvs comes from a place of love and kindness, he can get carried away sometimes...i feel like we’re gonna rlly delve into the negative impact of this in the CA arc and i am both so ready and not ready at all

this movie was hella gay which i appreciate. love the gays

all in all this was fun!! i wish there were more hxh movies lmao i love anime movies. well at least theres the musical LMAOOO im gonna watch that soon

#the watching continues #i havent posted a lot of my other recaps bc theyre p incomplete lmao #im workin on it tho #not that anybody cares lmao. thats ok tho im posting these for my own reference #hxh #lj watches hxh

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dobrikburrito · 6 years ago

Note

Hey can you do a part two for David being a little bitch and not appreciating y/n???

& Anonymous said to dobrikburrito: Please make a part two to that little blurb about David being a bitch

a/n: apparently i don’t know the concept of a blurb and this is so big but i love it.

I woke up at 6 am to a notification on my phone. For a second my brain had an immediate response of thinking it was a text from David. Oh, it was David, but not a text.

It was a notification for his new vlog.

I sighed, no messages or calls from him throughout the night. I buried my face back in my pillow and returned to sleep.

I woke up near 10 am. No texts or calls. Leaving my phone behind, I went to take a long shower, trying to distract my mind with anything other than him. I treated myself, hydrated my hair, exfoliated my skin, did it all for me. I deserved it.

I did my hair and put on a nice outfit. I wasn’t really going anywhere or had any plans in mind, but you know what they say about feeling the worst: you gotta look your best. It does give you a little motivational upgrade.

Deciding I needed some lattes and sweets, I grabbed my keys and left my apartment. Smoothly lied to myself and forgot my phone. I could use the time away from all my expectations. After getting everything I needed from Starbucks’ drive thru, I made my way back. Curiosity got the best of me and I picked up my phone.

7 texts from David ♥

11 missed calls from David ♥

2 voice mails

My heart skips a beat. Half of me knows this routine is part of his life, it’s part of who he is and I shouldn’t be mad since I knew what I was signing up for. The other half of me also knew after posting a vlog there was a small window before it all started again. I loved him with all my heart, but I needed to let him know this was making me sad. I couldn’t put up with this for much longer.

Then Jason called me. Obviously. I didn’t pick up because I knew David would be listening.

A couple of minutes went by and Zane facetimed me. I knew David probably asked him to make sure I wasn’t dead or anything.

“Hey baby.” I smiled softly at him once I accepted his call.

“Hey mama,” Zane smiled at me widely. I could see he was at his place, lying on his couch. “How you doing?”

“I’m good, you?” I fixed my hair, trying to seem happier than I was.

“I’m good too. Are you sure you’re okay?” His tone was very giving on the fact that he was worried.

“I’ll be okay sweetie. Don’t worry about me.” I shrugged, trying hard to smile.

“Since you’re one of the smartest people I know, you probably know why I’m calling you,” Zane was always straightforward with me which was one of the reasons I loved him so much. “Just give him a call, okay? He’s worried sick and sometimes David takes a minute before he realizes he’s screwing up a good thing.”

I chuckled. “Oh, don’t I know it.” I shook my head, looking down. “I’m just taking a moment to think about everything, that’s all.”

“I understand baby. I just love you two too much to see both of you so sad.” Zane was legitimately like a big brother to me.

“Okay, I promise I’ll give him a call.” I smiled at him. “I love you Zane, never forget that.”

“I love you too baby. Call me if you need anything ok? Just say the word and we’ll either gain 5 pounds eating ice cream or get ourselves hella drunk.”

Instead of calling David, I decided to show up at his house. A call would just lead to that anyway. I let myself in, not finding him anywhere in the living room or kitchen, but quickly hearing his voice and Jason’s up in his room.

“I just don’t understand why she would talk to Zane and not me. Not even answer any of my texts or calls.” I could hear David pacing in his room. “Yesterday she wouldn’t even come home with me, acted all weird. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

“David, you know I care for you a lot.” Jason started. “But sometimes you tend to prioritize work and I see (Y/N) standing there for hours unattended. It didn’t happen one or two times and you know it.”

David sighed loudly. “But this is my life, my career.”

“And (Y/N) is your girlfriend.” Jason pointed out with a nod.

David looked at him for a few seconds, knowing he was right. “Do you think she’s gonna break up with me?” A chill of fear ran through his whole body.

“You need to get your shit together David. You need to make room for (Y/N) in your life. Compromise. She does it all the time for you. It needs to go both ways.” Jason reasoned with him and I smiled, reminding myself to give Jason a hug later. “Or you’ll end up losing her.”

David ran his hands through his face. “I can’t… I can’t lose her.”

“I don’t think that’s gonna happen…” I said, walking in his bedroom and surprising both of them.

“(Y/N)…” David said, his jaw to the floor. He quickly walked towards me and hugged me tight. “I was worried sick something might have happen to you.”

Jason shot me a knowing smile, then got up from David’s bed and walked out of the room.

“I’ll leave you two alone.” Jason said. “Also, you’re too good for him.”

David flipped him off behind my back and earned a laugh from Jason. Once he let me go, I closed the door behind us. I still hadn’t said anything else.

“Are you okay?” David asked me, looking all over me for bruises or any good excuse for ghosting him all day.

“Yeah, I’m fine…” I started saying, getting cut from him soon after.

“Then why didn’t you answer any of my texts or calls?” His tone was a little demanding, which triggered me in a bad way.

I sighed and walked into his room, immediately regretting coming back. But I did love him too much to leave him hanging for longer or to not even try to fix it.

“Feels good to wait on someone else, doesn’t it?” I sat down on his bed.

“So, it was payback from yesterday?” He now had a petty tone.

I sighed again. “No, David, it wasn’t payback. I’m not a child. I just took one moment to think about everything and how I felt.”

“You need to think our relationship?” Now he was saying like it was something surreal.

Ugh. “Yes, David. Surprising as it is, I don’t feel so great about it right now.”

That caught him off guard. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“No. I’m trying to work things out.” My voice was soft now, a little tired. “David. I feel like I’m always following you around. I’m always the one who clears the schedule, changes plans, to go wherever you wanna go. I’m always restraining myself because I know you get jealous when I talk to other guys, even if it’s just friendly. But I’m also the one who needs to watch you filming instagram models all the time. I’m your main support and I feel like I’m always waiting for you to realize I’m here.”

David was looking at me throughout all of my confession. After I finished, he sat next to me.

“I didn’t know you felt that way. You could’ve told me.” He said, staring at the floor.

“I did, though!” I closed my eyes for a second, only confirming how he barely listened to me. “I did it yesterday, the day before that. After that party with Charlie. After Kristen’s birthday party. I do it all the time. You just… don’t take it seriously, because you believe that I’ll always be around.”

Every word out of my mouth was a knife to my own heart but I knew he was hurting as well, knowing how messed up things had become. I looked down to hide my own tears.

“I know how important your work is for you. That’s why I try not to complain or demand things from you. But feeling like second option every time hurts.” I whispered it.

“You’re not… second option, (Y/N).” David looked at me, noticing the teary eye. “I love you.”

“I know you do.” I sighed and nodded. “But love has nothing to do with attention. Even right now I feel like such a bitch for asking this from you and honestly it’s such a basic aspect of a relationship.”

He went to take my hand on his, caressing it with one hand and holding it with his other.

“I don’t know what to do to make this better.” David whispered to me. “Tell me what to do.”

“You know, for once, I really wanted you to realize it by yourself without anyone else telling you.” My voice was a little harsh but I was being honest, tears start rolling from my eyes and he looks at me, his expression completely heart broken. “Maybe you need some time to figure that out, David.”

He looked up at me, fear in his eyes. I got up and started walking towards the door, David followed me before I could leave and grabbed my arm, turning me around.

“Please, don’t leave me. Please, please.” Both of his hands were now in my face and his eyes were watering. “I love you, I need you. I can’t do this without you. I’ve been the worst boyfriend to you and you deserve better, I know that. But let me be better, let me make it up to you and I promise you’ll never feel unloved again. I hate myself for doing this in the first place, but please, just… give me another chance. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time and I’m sorry I took you for granted.”

All the right words for the man you loved was making you smile mid tears. I nodded and kissed him a million times. “Please don’t hurt me again.” I said as our foreheads touched. “I’m believing your words and I love you and I really want us to work.”

He gave me one deep kiss. “I love you so much.” He kissed me again. “I’m going to show you that every single day.”

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yeswritingsandwritings · 5 years ago

Text

COVID Diaries; Pennies

It is March 2020 and I’ve channeled the spirit of Paul Revere. As Los Angeles erupts into rioting and mass fentanyl suicide, I dive headfirst into the cabin of the Mazda, and gun the packed ship upwards along the vacant I5 corridor. Every smouldering city under Gavin Newsom looks further gone than the last. The navigation takes me on some perverse fantasy detour thru post-apocalyptic San Francisco. It’s been a long time coming but now it’s solidified. The mayor and her delegates have chomped their cyanide pills and now the streets and bridges offer rotting cars beside silent, beautiful Victorian manors. Still in full color, the sky is blue and the sun is yellow, gleaming indifferently. I am nervous about San Franscisco County. The shelter in place order says no one shall be out on the street without proper reason. And, proper reason or not, I have a pharmacy of drugs in the trunk of my car. Will it be enough to wait out the pandemic in my mother’s house? Enough to keep me sane tucked in the basement of the compound on Cougar Mountain, Issaquah, Washington, for GodKnowsHowLong? My very own Bavarian Alps.

For years in LA I have lived for high speed and hard sex in a blackout frenzy which no young American could denigrate without looking like a nerd. In our culture of excess I sought the most insane, unexplored corridors. Chavionistic romps through the bitter forests of lust, contamination, too-young suicide, too-good blowjobs that leave explosions on this cast of characters flown from every corner of the globe, all with the same indelible fever. I come to now, in this chaotic month handed down by God, March 2020, and I’m withdrawing from all of it in the penthouse on the side of the mountain.

In this moment the fantasy is fading fast, like being jolted from a wet dream by a home invasion. For a lot of people the American dream was already a flickering ember in the distance, a relic of some stupid pilgrimgrage for egoic glory, a blind propaganda puzzle piece with no jigsaw to belong to. But I had formed my own relationship with the concept, and, until now, had believed wholeheartedly in the myth in America; or at least that myth’s capacity to spur significant action, which could abolish hunger and pain, mistreatment and misunderstanding, which could deliver us from evil and unto the kingdom of heaven.

I am not, to many of her 300 million pairs of eyes, a portrait of traditional American success. I am the starving artist archetype. I’ve lived in abandoned buildings and shot cocaine into my veins in the speeding bathroom of many an Amtrak carriage. These may be my most definitive traits, save for the music I somehow manage to draw out of all of this. Albums worth of potential answers to the impossible questions. Sometimes I think I’ve reached the peak, with the LSD and the naked festival girls. I am 26 years old and feel incompetent. I go to pay a traffic ticket or am electric bill and find myself paralyzed at the entrance to the website. In a moment of otherworldly strength I call the bank and my debit card has been cancelled. I stare at the parking ticket in my pod, which has been rented from a company called Up(Start), and is arranged in a row with twenty others. At least I’ve made it to Los Angeles.

Up(Start) is a strange place. I find most people don’t last very long in this community. They leave back to their hometowns or find apartments. The ones who stay haunt this place like ghosts, with no discernible goals and mysterious incomes. I’ve learned not to ask how these life-longers pay the rent. The answer is not translatable.

Willow is one of these life-longers. She always talks about moving out; sometimes to an apartment in LA, most recently about some nebulous palace in France. She says her grandmother died and left her everything. She shows me a suitcase full of watches and rings that still can’t fully convince me of her story. She drinks vodka when she wakes up and convinces me to fuck her when Jesse leaves us in his room alone.

Jesse found his way out to a beautiful house in Silver Lake. He had been at Up(Start) for a year before that. He is the nicest guy I know, offering the coat off his back for nothing but a swig of your vodka in return.

I left these characters behind, keeping a steady 65 on the interstate and stopping only to black out in a hotel room in Redding, CA. Summer, inspirational barista and blowjob queen, dared me to stop and see her in Portland, but my body was crawling from scabies from Lucy, (who was also in Portland and, I would later learn, infected with the virus) and I sped right through.

My younger brother Jon was at the house and had been awaiting my arrival. I instantly understood why. My mother had become a figurehead for the national panic, and shoulder-hugged me with her mask on. She is, as we speak, sterilizing the place.

I’ve gotten to spend a good amount of time with Jon, and am somewhat surprised to find that he faces the same existential torment as I do. This is not something we talk about, but I can feel it on him. He is super into Xanax, and orders pressed bars off the darknet. I share the drugs I’ve brought with him. Kratom, weed, and, —most enticing— Flubromazolam. I learn that he has been kicked out of UW on academic probation. I ask him about it in front of my mother and stepdad. With a casualness that shocks me he says he just didn’t care about any of his classes. But he’s got reaccepted to the school and he says he’s going to make it this time.

I show him how I order my drugs online. I show him the designer benzodiazepines on the clearnet, pennies per dose. We place an order for O-DSMT. It’s an insane solution to our problems, but I guarantee you it works.

I tell Jon about my life in LA with the stuff. Taking it and driving weed deliveries all day. I don’t tell him about the long nights with Lucy, telling her the love I feel from the opiate is sourced from her, then failing to get hard.

Jon, for his part, tells me about the peak of his Oxycontin habit, poppin 7 OC30’s a day with his buddies at Rolling Loud. I was just a few blocks away. I didn’t know he was in town.

We order the O-DSMT to his apartment in the U District, stopping to and snag it on our sole vacation to Dad’s for dinner. Two packages have been delivered. We have the save pavlov response. We carry the packages to his apartment on the top floor and split the bubble wrap with a butterfly knife. Out of a manilla envelope comes 100 green Xanax bars. From a bent UPS envelope comes a gram of O-DSMT and 250mg of 4-ACO-DMT, a bonus for me (Jon says he hates psychedelics).

We set to the scale and split the gram, dosing 50mg then and there to get through dinner. The next day he visits me in the basement, saying “Yo, this O-DSMT shit… it’s dope.”

I say “I’m with you.”

My days are spent deep in the dream flow, recording songs for a hopeful fourth album. The third one is still far from complete, but I can’t go back and meddle with those songs now. Wouldn’t dare touch their Los Angeles essence with the hand of the evergreen state. They will go to Rob and Twon and Andy as they are.

I’m back to guitars for the new album. Cardinal sin AC/DC type songs. I think it may be a double album, quarantine permitting. I want an exploratory, unstructured, throw paint at the wall and see what sticks, White album/Life of Pablo situation. I want solo piano pieces and Aphex Twin-esque 808 excursions. I want the label to release it on white vinyl with extensive liner notes. Indulgence. I want this album to be the one where I say “indulge me.”

If Rob is vehimently opposed to the idea I had the fantasy of making an easy album. Taking songs like Parade Owl, See You Tomorrow, Miss Can’t Sleep and putting out a whole album of them. Good rock music. Take a step back from the frontlines; the cutting edge. We’ll see what sticks to the wall after this quarantine is over.

Weeks drift by. There’s a trade route for all the beer that gets brought into the house. It goes from the garage fridge to the basement fridge to my eager hand, to my mouth, to my blood. Night by night the ritual recurs, til my mom takes out the downstairs trash and finds all the empties. She makes some subtle comment. I tell her to buy more White Claw.

Despite the drug flow my inspiration seems to be drying up. Rob took a listen to the twenty five songs I’d completed since arriving in Issaquah and said they sounded like Dogs. The old band. The old rock and roll band we’ve been trying to move away from. I was disappointed to hear him say it. I was disappointed he wasn’t excited about the songs. “Fuck it, should I scrap them all?” I asked myself. Then I started to look around the house and understand that if nothing came of these songs… I must be insane. I must be losing it. The stupid research chemical stimulants don’t help. I thought they would. Productivity and all… but I’m just jittery, texting strangers on Instagram for hours, all the while feeling like I should be doing something else. And the television is on in the background, and I told myself I was going to do so much to day. And I did it. And people on Instagram say “you seem busy.” They’ve always said I seem this and I seem that. I never agreed with any of it, but they probably know me better than I do. How could I see myself? I look for myself through a fog and it’s only a ripple of a shadow. A microcosm a million miles away through a hellscape with no up or down, no east or west. They say I’m social. They say I’m a socialite. Really I just get drunk and unleash all my nervous energy on the party or, nowadays, the Zoom meeting.

Today I drink Modello. Ma and Chuck went to the Seattle waterfront for a picnic or something. I didn’t get the details. But the sun should be going down now, and she’s texting me asking if I want to play a board game when they get back. I say yeah sure I do. My temper when I’m off these amphetamines analogues, though… I worry I’ll flip the Pictionary board. Slam dunk the wine glass onto the wood floor. Now the cliffhanger; will this Modello calm my nerves?

This morning I went with mom to buy plants for the garden. I thought we were going to get seeds but she wanted the already grown ones. She was ready to be angry. Nothing made her happy. We went to three different garden store. I think she got some tomatos. How the hell am I going to get out of this one? Feels like the walls are closing in. I feel like I’m in the freezer in the back of McDonalds. I feel so sad for her, but I also feel so sad for myself. I feel cut off. I feel short of breath. I feel terror. It is Friday, April 17, 2020. Dread, terror, paranoia… I’m sure it’s been felt a million times by a million people, but here’s my version of it. In this McMansion on the side of the mountain, feeling less like I have a mission than ever. Calling nobody. Freezing. Yeah I’m freezing.

My brother and I both have drugs to get through this crisis but I’m planning to get off them. I sold him half of my etizolam and half of another shipment of O-DSMT the other day. He wasn’t at all interested in the 2-FDCK, an analogue of the dissociative Ketamine. I am still not really sure what dissociatives do to consciousness. They can move you into states profound darkness. You feel like your life is a black and white film and it is raining outside. And it drips off the palm trees and you sit in traffic on the way back from the Boy’s and Girl’s Club, where the boys and girls wouldn’t listen, they’d just go off into their own worlds. I wonder how they’re all doing now, tucked into their parents houses in Calabasas.

Anyway, I said to Jon “I’m getting off the stuff.” And I intended to. This journal finds me at a crossroads between fantasy and reality. What is my life going to be for? Where do I cast this fishing pole? Well the pole’s been cast. It’s out there in the middle of the ocean. But at the same time it’s in my hand, in this very moment, and I can chose where to dip it. I’m not trying to catch a fish in this scenario, I just like the serenity of the bay.

The question on everyone’s mind is: “If not drugs, then what!?” That’s a great question and I’d be bullshitting if I said I could answer it. I don’t know what lies on the other side of this life. I want to find out. Do I truly? I have to truly. Love, sex, work, victory… I’ve seen all these things before. And I keep turning to these substances. They fill up my days and my hours and all the music is informed by them. They move my hands to play the guitar and my voice is scratchy when it comes out. I’ve formed an identity around these drugs to a certain extent. That idea of me has to die. It does. I’ll have to mourn it. I’ll have to mourn a lot. I guess I don’t know what to be afraid of. I know a lot of stuff is going to come up through this process. The drugs numb it all out. People say that but it’s really really true. Bad news doesn’t don’t hit you as hard. Most things don’t hit you at all. You’re in your world. You’re off in a cloud. You’re unaware of the world around you. You’re afraid to engage. Why?

It’s easier not to ask why. It’s easier to get the immediate relief of a squirt of etizolam tincture. Or a gross tossing of O-DSMT powder into your mouth and a quick washdown with water. In this way you don’t have to answer any questions. In this way nothing hits you. And guess what else? All your heroes did the same thing.

But a lot of them died doing it. And you don’t want to die. You really really don’t want to die. You want to live a long life, with kids and grandkids, and see what happens to America and what music turns into. You don’t want to die, but what do you have to live for? You know you can make things up. Everyone’s always making shit up. All of this is made up. The culture, the value of a dollar, the value of a Benz. We just decide on it. And that takes a lot. But you know what takes a lot less? Deciding how you want to react to each moment. This one and this one and this one. Do you know what I mean? They say a lot of stuff about the world. The world’s fucked. They say the world’s burning to the ground. They say we can’t leave our houses. They say America won’t be a super power by the end of all of this. But they’re making shit up. And I’m making shit up too. I’m whipping up like a chef. Throwing dishes out from the kitchen, but the dishes are words and actions and the kitchen is my mind. What kind of food am I throwing out? What kind of food am I serving the world? Let me serve love and hope. But for that to happen, let me cultivate it in myself first. Let me nurture it like a child. Let me see it sober. Let me take the steps in the right direction. It’s simple. It’s simpler than you think it is. What are you going to do right now, after reading this? Or while reading this? How are you going to face the world?

Jon told me he got into Xanax from the Famous Dex song “Japan.”

“Baby girl, what you doing, where your man? I just popped a xan, fifty thousand in Japan”

He told me his friends heard the song and picked up some Xanax because of it. They liked it and reached out to him “You’ve got to try this,” they said. My little brother, in the throes of this batshit demon force that will bury him. It might bury me too. The jury’s still out. Mom, just let me withdraw in peace. She brings down a space heater. I grow to love it. I lay down on the wood floor that the spiders sometimes dash across. The space heater comes close to burning me, but I’m ok. I stand up, dizzy from all I’ve done to try to combat the withdrawls. Way too much etizolam, way to much kratom, getting to the point of way too much weed and alcohol. But hopefully it’ll all be over soon, and I can call my friends in peace and not want to slam down the phone whenever there is the tiny threat of silence, or whenever I speak, or whenever they speak. I can’t any of it sober, that’s what I think. Life is hard sober; it’s a breeze when you’re floating thru it. A good dream. So why get sober? They say it’ll kill me. Well, I said that. In this very same paragraph. And maybe it will. But when you’re withdrawing like this… all you want is a moment of peace.

Oh God, at dinner tonight I started to go off about my own mental state to the family. I should have known it was a big mistaken, but on my way home from Doordashing a rainy Issaquah I stopped at QFC and got a bottle of True Eagle American Spirits, Kentucky manufactured vodka. And, helping myself to serving of kimchi, I said to them “I think I’m losing it.” And the conversation spiraled until my mother asked me “Are you suicidal?” And “Are you struggling with drugs?” Jon, between us, must have felt betrayed, but I just wanted to feel understood. I feel Chuck does not want to understand. I understand what he’s sacrificed for the life he has, but what value does that life has to him? He has a tumor in his jawbone, and it’s eating away at him, and no one can do anything. And they can’t get out to the specialists on the East Coast, and they won’t do the invasive surgery. He’s too busy. I know, in some capacity, he understands. Because he blows these things off like they don’t matter at all, when anyday he could have a stroke like Grandma had, fall to the floor of the kitchen while dishing up his kimchi, or pulling a slice of pizza out of the carton. I feel the same way. I have no idea what’s going to happen, but I know that I am mentally unwell. And I avoid the questions about my drug use and about my suicidality. I miss girls, ma. I miss pussy and parties and not giving a fuck. The way I don’t give a fuck now is in these terrifying sound collages drafted on the latest of nights, in the deep dark depths of quaratine. What was I saying in the last one? Something about how I didn’t wanna kill the crabs on the beach on Whidbey Island as a kid. Holy shit I’m losing my mind. But it’s all fine, isn’t it? As long as the music comes out fine.

What could I possibly do to get healthy? I feel so far off the deep end. You have no idea; I feel like crying. My best friend, living with the girl I thought I could always go back to. We don’t talk. I mix these ketamine analogues in with that cheap cheap vodka (plus etizolam) and cry tears onto this plastic table. It’s pointless to keep up the tinder courtships. I feel like this will never end. And it started with such a bang. I was such a part of history. Now I’m a nobody; I’m a junkie, holding on by the thinnest thread. No energy to pray. I feel like Cobain, and I know so many people do… but I really do. I can only imagine. But I’m only listening to Mingus, Lana Del Rey and Radiohead (Kid A thru Hail to The Thief).

Should I throw weed in the mix? Lord knows I have enough of it. It’s my number one priority. I’ve made enough songs now that we could workshop what I’ve come up with years. What else is there to do? Mingus ripped the piano strings out of some pianist’s instrument in front of a live audience, then stormed off the stage. Where the fuck is that in my life? I’m in front of the computer, weeping because America has come to a close. You know they sent jazz to the Soviet Union as a WEAPON? A weapon of freedom and democracy and individualism. What the fuck happened? It all makes me want to cry. It’s all too much; this world. These people I’ve known and loved and lost. This music I’ve made that they promise me will be something, but I don’t know if I believe them. I don’t know if I want anything to do with this life. I can’t engage with my culture anymore… my history. I feel like I’m not a part of it. I feel so disconnected. Who’s rippin the strings out of MY piano? Or who’s piano am I ripping the strings out of? We’ve lost so much… I mean… I’ll do my best to work with what we still have, but we’ve been so fractured. It wouldn’t surprise me if this was the end. Of America. Of our culture. Of our music and our hustle and bustle and industry and lover’s lanes and rites of passage. I feel like I’m mourning it now. Mourning my culture. Maybe mourning the illusion that was sold to us. Believe me, I was first in line to buy. That’s why it destroys me so deeply to see it collapse.

I guess we’re all one people. I’m crying writing this. Weeping, weeping, weeping. Grieving. You know what grieving is. I remember what’s-her-name in the pool. We went to every hot tub, each a different temperature, in the Desert Hot Springs Resort. Then Lucy’s friend’s new boyfriend told us Bernie Sanders had stayed there when he had visited DHS. I laughed so hard. Lucy ordered me another drink. She didn’t mind the cost. She liked me to be on her level. And I didn’t mind. I was proud to sip. We went back to the hotel and did god knows what. Feels a million lifetimes away.

This was back when anything could happen. When America was a blank slate and no one could predict anything. When you could go outside and say “What the fuck is up?” and get in adventures. I mourn the loss of that. Maybe it’s all in my head. Maybe that’s still there. But I’ve emotionally severed my ties to it. And I wish I didn’t. Because I love it. I love it so much. It’s not a myth. I swear to god it’s not a myrh. It was a reality… until all this happened. You have no idea. I mean, if you’re reading this and weren’t around before. You have no idea. I mean… I don’t know what things are going to be like after this. But not the same. There’s no way they could be the same.

You know I hope I get this shit. I hope I contract COVID-19. Lay in this guest bedroom bed with the scabies I may or may not have gotten from Upstart Creative Living… and which wouldn’t die off. I hope I can’t breathe. I hope I’m immune. I want to walk the world. Maybe I should go out, get it, isolate, heal, be immune… if that’s even possible. At this point we don’t even know if immunity is a thing that happens with COVID. But even if I could walk the earth without fear of it… everyone else is cowering, and they pull away from, seeing I’m not wearing a mask or gloves, or even if I am… I’m so sorry. I didn’t know it would all end this way. I would have done so much more. Focused so much more on each kiss. Even every note. I did my best, I guess. It feels like it’s all coming to an end. It’s Thursday, April 23, but that doesn’t mean anything. You have to understand how little dates mean in this time. It’s like we’re living in one of those time capsules buried beneath the walkway at WWU. Stagnant… yeah we write songs and poems and do our work and keep the economy from faltering completely… but there’s a different angle to look at it all now. The world is over. I mean, aha, to use the words of Rem… “It’s the End of the World As We Know It.” Key words: “As we know it.” I had no idea this would happen in my lifetime… I couldn’t even conceive it. If you would have told me this would have happened six months ago I wouldn’t have believed it. America seemed so stable. And now it feels like it’s in shambles. It really did feel stable. You may think I’m insane for saying America in September, 2019 seemed stable… but shit, we were free. And we were headed where we were headed. This throws a wrench in all of this. And it could be the end. And I thought this was the greatest country on earth. Happiness is a buttery, try to catch it like every night.

I’ve been fascinated in American history since I could understand it. Most specifically, I’ve been fascinated about how history is still happening. The closer you get you the current day, the harder it is to get a straight story. FDR did what he did and we won. That’s fact. That’s cement. Nixon? Everyone agrees he was a crook. But what about Reagan? What about Bush Sr? What about Clinton? The closer you get to the modern day, the more difficult it becomes to discern what is real and what is fake.

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thestudyfeels · 7 years ago

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hello there! this is part three of the get your shit together series! note: this article is a bit philosophical and wisdom-y, bc lmao i’m writing this thing at a way-too-late o’ clock so I’m going to shout at y'all and try to hammer this (good) shit into your heads the hard way. I apologize in advance, friend.

The Harsh Reality

I want you to do a reality check right now. C'mon, do it. How much did you get done today? Did you procrastinate yet again? 99% chances are that you did and that you failed to complete your to-do list. yet again. hey, don’t go away just yet. I’m just showing you what’s popping in your lives right now. And holy moly, you are wasting your life. That’s the harsh reality. I don’t know how else to break it to you, but yeah, you are wasting your life. As for feeling offended, you should. if you are, I can tell you that it’s working. I’m going to do magic here, just wait. alright, I want you to take a look, a deep look, into this picture. this is the number of weeks an average 90 year old has in his/her life. The number of years you too have, take or give a few more. And as Tim Urban said in his TedTalk, there aren’t really that many boxes! specially since we have used quite of them! now most probably you are shrugging this off by thinking “yo taylor, there are still quite a few left. and to be accurate, we still have more that half of those boxes left. Chill dude.” and hey, you are not wrong. But here’s a different view towards it. Do you think you’ll be able to work your best when you are old and your bones are dying and you can literally hear a pop sound when you stretch everyday? you won’t. And even if you think you will, (I’ll pray for your bones, mate #rip) you wouldn’t want to. Wouldn’t you want to use the later years in your life to enjoy the fruits of your hard work? most likely, you would. So if that’s the case, I’m here to tell you that time is running out. Seriously. you don’t have enough of it.

Why Are You Doing This?

the biggest reason why people waste their time is because we haven’t learn how precious it is. We don’t understand that our life is super short. That humans are mortal and one day or another, we won’t be there anymore. We don’t understand that we only have a few decades to become the person we aspire to be, to live the dreams we’ve have had since forever. We believe if we don’t do our work today, it’s ok because we have tomorrow. And if not tomorrow, hey next year sounds great.

Every single thing takes a hell lot of time. An person sleeps for an average of 7 hours a day. That’s 49 hours a week. And 210 hours a month. And that’s 2520 hours a year. So, you sleep for more than 105 days straight in a year. Thus, you sleep for an approx of a complete year in four years of your life. Isn’t that a LOT of time? And that’s not all. We humans waste our time on a lot of other things and I only took the example of sleep, which is absolutely necessary. I didn’t even consider the other unnecessary things we spend our time on like cough, tumblr-ing, watching netflix etc. That’s why, it’s time that you learn to value your time more than anything else. Because your “real life” that comes after subtracting all the necessary and unnecessary things that you do, is really really short. and I’m not joking, I promise.

Loving Your Life

so now that you know how preciously short your life is, the next important thing is loving it.

why love it?

we only value things we care for or if them are necessary to us. We care for our friends and family bc we love them. We value our phone bc it’s impt to us and we can’t live without it. so unless you love your life, how will you ever value it? you’ll go on living with the flow, never getting the time to try out new things and to live life. Learn to love your life. It’ll change your entire perspective towards it.

ok but how do we do that then?

well, I got you mate. And no lmao, you don’t have to put up cute quotes on your dresser saying things like “yay, you are amazing!! I love you!!.” Those things are great, but loving life isn’t as easy as that. Nothing worth having comes easy. There you go, your quote for the day. But yes, there will be days when you have low self-esteem, and you’ll feel like beating yourself up for the smallest of the things. However if you truly love your life, you will be able to pick yourself up and clean up your own mess without too many pity-parties. well, here’s the only method to love your life, in the real way i.e. not the cheesy one, and it is - living in the present. story time, something I realized on my second last trip was that I never remembered what I had done on trips I had been on before. and in fact the reason wasn’t bc I had a bad memory, bc I had an amazing memory! (ur girl’s killin’ it in history, come tHRU) the reason was not being present at all. I was living on autopilot all throughout the trip, looking forward to what I was going to do next, than enjoying what I was doing now. As a result, I didn’t make any great memories. This time however, I was prepared.

how did I do this? / how do we live in the present?

remind yourself again and again to focus on what’s happening now, forget about what you’ll do in the future.

if reminding doesn’t help, literally tell yourself what you’re doing right now. When I was visiting this museum, I would tell myself - "now you are going to go into this beautiful place. Make some great memories.”

jot down what you did. I used to forget what I did all the time, so I started writing what I was doing including the tiny things that happened and honestly this has helped me so much.

the gratefulness list. every time you feel like you are living in autopilot, remind yourself of a wonderful day you have spent and tell yourself that if you live in autopilot you won’t remember any happy memories (how scary is that, and it has happened to me so trust me, it ain’t fun) & then force yourself not to zone out and come back to the present.

now ofc you are thinking - how does living in the present help you fall in love with your life?

well, it does. Once you start living in the present, you start noticing smol tiny details in the picture which you earlier wouldn’t have noticed. Suddenly, on my fall trip, I could see the tiny flowers near our hotel’s garden which would have passed my notice earlier. I noticed how I didn’t reach for my phone that much, other than to write down the day’s events. And obviously, I remembered laughing over zombie movies with my friends on the trip, I remembered the cheerful smile this woman gave me when I thanked her for helping me, I remembered all the tiny happy memories we had made. bc unless you start enjoying the little things in your life, and start “living”, how would you even expect to live a beautiful life? you need to be grateful and thankful for the happy memories you have made along the way if you want to be able to enjoy the life you live. And ofc unless you love your life, you won’t be able to value it. AND unless you value your life, there’s no question of conquering it.

The Action Plan

so now what? it’s time to realize that the person you love, aka you, is running out of time to become the person you would love to be. won’t you try to help yourself? here’s what to do. roll up your sleeves, use that beautiful mind you have, and mold your dream life out of your present one. it’s gonna take lots of hard work and hustle, but I know you have it in you. leggo.

hello! still there with me? hAH but i rly enjoyed preaching in this post and writing it for you guys bc honestly loving the life you live and living your life in the way you want is truly the best feeling in the world. but yup, I won’t bore you anymore (I will, but that’s in another masterpost, don’t leave me hAHA) so that’s it, it’s a wrap! if you have any questions/suggestions regarding anything I said up there, feel free to send in a message! my other masterposts are here and to request a masterpost, leave your question in my ask box!

I hope you all are well, stay safe and conquer life, you amaze conqueror. much love, Taylor (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

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supersoldierslover · 7 years ago

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Hard Feelings Part 6

Summary: (Modern Au) After the death of your only living relative, you find yourself lost in life and your feelings. To make things worse, you have to deal with Steve Rogers someone from your past that is more present in your life now than ever.

Pairing: Steve x Reader

Words: 1787

Warnings: No warnings this time

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 Part 4, Part 5

When you wake up you feel like you are dreaming, you never felt so relaxed in your entire life. Slowly you open your eyes, seeing that you are not in your bedroom but in Steve’s, it’s kind of weird being there in his bed after so long but a good kind of weird.

You look down seeing that Steve is holding close to his body, you feel his head on the crock of your neck and his soft breath in your ear. For a moment you close your eyes, enjoying the feeling of safety that he is providing you.

Your hand starts to caresses his, you notice that he is wearing your father’s watch. You wonder why you didn’t notice that before; gently you take his arm away from you and get out of the bed. You don’t even know what time it is but you know that it’s late and that you should be at home.

“Stay, please.” You look at him; he looks so vulnerable holding your pillow and pleading for you to stay “I have to go home, Wanda must be so worried about me.” You don’t believe in that for a second, she is probably sleeping or watching something on Netflix but you are afraid of what you are going to do if you gave in.

“It’s almost midnight, you should stay.” He says holding your hand; you sit on his bed by his side “I really have to go, but thank you.” You say kissing his cheek “Are we okay?” He asks still holding your hand “More than, ok… I just need some time to put all my thoughts in place.”

He nods, sitting on the bed “Can I least take you home?” He asks trying to get out of bed, you stop him pressing your hand on his chest “No, stay here and rest. Tomorrow we have a busy day ahead of us.”

“Can you text me when you get home?” He asks letting go of your hand, you nod “Of course.” You say getting out of the bed “I see you in a few hours.”

When you get home, you see Wanda and Pietro binge watching something on the TV “You got home early.” Wanda says sarcastic, you laugh stealing a little popcorn of their bow “Sorry mom, I promise that I won't do that anymore.” You answer her in the same tone.

“So where were you? You don’t smell like alcohol but you do smell like men expensive perfume.” She asks curious, pausing what they were watching “I will tell you everything tomorrow, ok? Now I am going to bed” You say texting, Steve letting him know that you got home safe.

“You were with Steve, aren’t you?” She asks with a big smile on her face, she was defiantly happy that you were with him “Maybe, I will let you curious for now.” You say getting inside of Wanda’s room and going straight to bed.

On the next morning, you and Wanda wake up early and went straight to your new apartment. The place was spotless and freshly painted. The only evidence that some ever lived in her was the kitchen decorated in pastel colors.

You were very excited to move in and start to decorate this place. You had so many ideas, to make this place your new home a place where you can be yourself “I am so excited to see how this place is going to turn out.” She says looking around.

“Me too, I hope I can move in at the end of the week.” You say making a mental list of things you need to buy “You know that you don’t need to hurry to move out, I love having you there.” She says sweetly, pulling you into a hug.

“I know but I need this change and we can have like a lot of sleepovers in here.” You say smiling at her, going outside. Part of the reason you wanted to go see your apartment, was to explore your neighborhood.

One of your favorite things was the coffee shop, only a block away. You two sit one of the tables outside taking a sip of your lattes “I think is time for us to have some girl talk.” She says taking a bite of her muffin.

You nod, knowing that she wouldn’t let the subject die that easily “What do you want to know?” You ask afraid of what she might ask “Everything, don’t leave any details out.”

You tell her everything, from your lunch with Steve, to your talk with Pierce and how Pierce was the reason that Steve ended things with you. You also tell her, about Steve admitting his feelings for you and the nap you two took together.

“I have so many questions, you don’t have any idea. What the hell are you going to do now?” She asks perplexed “About Steve or Pierce?” Doesn’t matter what she answers the answer is the same you don’t know.

“Both? But let’s start with Pierce.” She says simply taking a bite of her muffin “I don’t know, I had like a thousand of ideas but I don’t know if anyone of them is good or you know legal. I want to fire him, send him to work in the middle of nowhere…. I even thought about hiring you a hit man to take of him.”

You say serious, making her laugh “I am being serious, I mean he is an awful person.” You say pondering your options, you know that you don’t have the guts to kill anyone and that the guilty would end you but it was a good option.

“So what is stopping you?” She asks serious “Honestly? Steve, he said that he is working on it. I believe that he knows a lot more than he let on at least for now.” You say sincere, you trust Steve to deal with him but this involves you too. You just don’t know what is exactly.

“Do you think Pierce wants you? Like want, want you?” You are pretty sure that she is reading your mind because as much you don’t want to consider it this a possibility but you can’t deny that you thought about that.

“I don’t think he is doing all this because he wants me, that is so gross to say out loud…” You say taking a sip of your coffee trying to take the bad taste in your mouth “… But I do believe that he wants power and that I am the easiest way that he can get it.”

She runs his hand on your arm “That is really gross. You can never be alone with him again, you need to hire some security.” You hold her hand feeling how worried she is about you, you aren’t scared that he might hurt you. You know that he won’t, he needs your support to take over the company.

“I will, I just want to talk with, Steve first. I don’t want to do anything that can damage whatever he is working on.” You say trying to ease her mind “Talking about, Steve I am surprised that he is not here by your side.” She says with a cheeky smile, what a great way to change the subject.

“Why he would be here?” You ask, trying to figure it out where she wants to get it “I don’t know, maybe because he told you that he loves you? Or because you two slept in the same bed yesterday and your grandma trusted him enough to take care of the most two precious in her life? You and her company.”

She says sarcastic but you can tell how serious she was. It was a little scaring, especially because you knew that you wouldn’t be able to stool her on this “Wan…. Don’t. He broke my heart in the past, doesn’t matter if was for a good cause, I don’t know if I can do that again. I want to have him in my life but maybe just as a friend?”

You say confused, you don’t know how to explain to her something that even you didn’t know all the details “Honey, sweetheart, bunny, cookie or any other pet name that you might want. Don’t do this with yourself; you are in love with him and you have been for months, why are you doing this with yourself?”

“Because I don’t know how I feel.” You say angry , running your hands thru your hair “ You don’t? You wear the bracelet that he gave you, every single day. When he broke up with you, you cried for a whole week, I know you since we were little kids and I never saw you cry for any boyfriend or fling in your life.”

She stares at you waiting for you to say something, when you don’t she continues to talk “I never saw you smile like the way when you were with him, I know that you afraid that he might hurt you again and I can’t guarantee that he won’t.”

“He loves you, and he does love you a lot. He dropped everything to make sure that you were alright when your grandma died, he knew that he could be fired if Pierce so you two in the funeral but he didn’t care. He was there for you, he stayed with you and cooked for you on the next day. Most of the guys are not like that, don’t let him go away because you are afraid.”

She says finishing her coffee, you never saw her like this. So angry and honest “You are right, I know that you are. There is part of me that wants to jump in his arms, every time I see him and there is other that wants to hide under the table.”

“Oh darling, you are going to be ok.” She says hugging you “And I want to be the bridesmaid on your wedding.’ She says playfully “And the godmother of my blonde, blue-eyed chubby baby.” You say in the same tone as her paying the bill.

“It is a deal, promise that you are going to talk with, Steve soon?” You nod, calling yourself an uber “I will, I have a meeting with Bucky like in half hour but then I am going to swing by his office.”

“Please no dirty sex in the office, I know that sounds like a great idea until someone catches you two.” She says coltish “Ok, mom. No PDA in the office.” You say getting on your uber, going to the office “ Good luck, cookie.” She says going to her own job.

Part 7

The tags for this are still open, so if you want to be tagged just let me know.

Next week i might not post hard feelings depends if i go to the beach or not but i let you guys know.

And Please leave feedback, because i’m in love with this series and i want to know what you guys are thinking about it.

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers imagine #steve x reader #marvel imagine #marvel x reader

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keira1416 · 7 years ago

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Midnight drive

Pairing: Steve Harrington and Reader

Summary: Steve tries to connect with you and you find yourself in an eventful situation.

Words: 2,030

Warnings: swearing, angst and mentions of drug abuse

Author's Note: Sorry for any mistakes, I wanted to get it done before I lose the inspiration. I hope you will enjoy it, it was quite fun to write it so let me know what you think. :)

Part one.

It was the next morning after you were almost hit by a car, and you couldn't feel more alive. The incident made your heart and a delighted feeling overwhelmed you. But your conscience took over. What are you doing? Steve doesn't like you like that, he was just freaked out that he almost hit someone, anyone, so snap out of it! That was easier said that done.

The girl went downstairs and got ready for school. The sun was glowing while she was singing along with the radio to Runaway. She parked near the school and looked in her rearview mirror. This is going to be a normal day, you are going to history class, it's gonna be boring, because nothing new happens there anyway, and you are going to like it! Good talk. She slammed the car door and went inside the school. When the teacher came she had a big smile, like she is about to watch a good movie. The teacher had her attention for a full five minutes. Her mind started to wander, she knew Steve from first grade, he threw a box of milk on Sara because she didn't want to leave him alone. How much he changed these past years. He became King Steve, a basketball star with all the girls by his side. They have participated to the same parties and run in the close circles, she was part of the school band and usually she was present at the basketball games. So why her heart did skipped a beat when his eyes fall on her last night? The bell rung and she realized she didn't listen to a word all class. Great!

She needed some fresh air so the idea to have lunch outside was prefect. The sun touched her skin and she closed her eyes trying to empty her mind about everything. Shortly after, she felt a shadow on her face and made her aware again of her surroundings.

"Did I interrupted your tan session?"

Her cheeks burned.

"Kind of." she answered him with a cast expression.

"Such a shame." a grin formed on his dusky lips.

"What's up, Harrington?" her lips betrayed her bringing a smile in the corner.

"I was wondering if I can keep you company at lunch."

"Sure." Her answer came a little too quick that she wanted and the boy sat down at the table, facing her with a big smile. Her heart skipped a beat again.

"So, what class did you have this morning?" His voice broke the silence and went up her head like a glass of red wine.

"History, with Mrs. Julie." she responded calm in spite of her state.

"Ok, what was it about?" a cold shiver run around her spine because she couldn’t remember anything.

"The war." it had to be a war there, it was history. Any war was better than the one between her head and her hearth.

"What w..."

"What class did you have?" a big smile form on her face while nipping a piece of her sandwich.

"You were lucky to have Mrs. Julie, she is nice. I had to look all morning at Bear-Man taking about his damn math."

"Bear-Man???" you burst out laughing and your little piece of food didn't like and stood his ground. You felt the air trapped. You were coughing and slightly choking. Steve saw it and gave you his opened bottle of water. You took the bottle from his hand and drank from it like you didn't taste something better.

"Shit, Steve! Are you trying to kill me?" you said laughing. Steve chuckled a little before answering.

"You are not that easy to kill."

"But that doesn't keep you from trying, I see." You both stare at each other smiling for a couple of seconds engulfed by your own little world.

You felt so easy to be yourself around him, you didn't feel the need to act around him, unlike with the other boys from the school, all of it felt effortless. The bell rung and it meant the end of the little moment between each other.

"Hey, wanna go for a coffee after school?" His question lighted your eyes and he saw it.

"I have band practice after, how about 4?" your heart was having a blast.

"Great, I will pick you up from school?"

“No, I seen your midnight driving, I will see you there.” You chucked slightly pushing his sholder.

“Ok, I will let you have this one. See you there!” he touched your shoulder and walk of smiling. But you were smiling more than him.

"Yes.”

You left the band practice earlier because let's face it, your mind wasn't there at all. You wanted to go home and change your top. It was a little after three and the neighborhood was silent. You loved to drive at this hour because most of the adults were still at work and the children were in town somewhere or the arcade. You felt cheerful until something got your attention, it was a man standing near one of the houses looking both ways every 3 seconds like he was waiting for something or someone. You slowed down. He had a long blonde mohawk that was really standing apart.

What universe did you came from? Something in the corner of your eye shifted your attention and when you looked in front, a full mad huge grizzly bear charged at your car. He lifted his body on two feet and plugs his claws in the hood of your car. A ton of muscle with long teeth was in your face. You felt your blood going cold and the air from your lungs stopping in your throat. Without thinking you change the gear to reverse and pushed the pedal to the ground changing your body posture to look thru the back window. When you turned to see how close he still is…there was nothing there.

“The fuck…”

A loud sound of two objects hitting hard shacked you entirely. Smoke came out of everywhere. Your car slammed into another strong. A few neighbors went out of their houses staring at you.

“This can't be happening...”

"Soooo, Y/N, you saw a bear in Hawkins? In the street?" chief Hopper asked you while your mother was shooting mad eyes at you.

"Grizzly bear"

"Right, and how do you know that?"

"Because it was like 7 feet tall!" Chief Hopper looked at you like he wanted to say something but was cut by your mother

"The hood doesn't have a mark on it, the back is all smashed!" She was right, you looked at the car when you got out, you even touched the paint on it but it was perfect.

"You know, kids these days don't have a good perception of animals..." Hopper tried to persuade your mother.

Bullshit, you thought but you kept your mouth shut this time, you were in the police station for more than three hour, you felt too tired to keep fighting.

"Are you taking drugs, Y/N?"

"MOOOM, NOOO!"

Maybe I'm just going crazy.

"I don't think you should consider about such extreme situation, maybe it was the Clive's dog, they have a Great Dane. I will talk with them."

Why was the chief trying to help you? You look at him with confronted eyes and he didn't look at you.

"You're grounded, Y/N!" your mother yelled.

Can you blame her, what you told was nuts. A huge bear in the middle of the town but nobody else saw it? It has to be another explanation.

You mother drove you to school the next day, she was a bit more calm, mainly because chief Hopper called last night and told her that she didn't have to pay for the damage. And the Clive's dog disappeared for a couple of hours yesterday. It was no point to continue with your story.

"Listen, sweetheart... I know you were stressed about school these past months and you sleep too little for a kid so I let this one slide. Your father will talk with the mechanic today to see how much damage it is.." You were half listening to her, because was not just a simple mistake, you didn't confuse a fox with a cat.

"Thank you mom. I was a little distracted these months with school and the band...I will take it easy." she squeezed your hand and smiled gently.

"Do you want me to come after you, or..."

"Don't worry, I will ask Alice, she owes me. Bye mom." You kissed her cheek and went out.

As you were heading to the school door you saw Steve waving. SHIT. You forgot about him while dealing with the endangered species of Hawkins.

You let out a shy smile and a little wave and went in class, when it hit you. The only thing out of common was yesterday lunch with Steve and his bottle of water. When you realized that you couldn't get out faster. When you hear the sound of the bell you were already in the middle of the aisle. You looked thru all school until you end up in the gym where you found him.

"Harrington!" a smile curled up his face but on yours was pure rage. "We have to talk!"

"What happen’ Y/N?" he said with a confused face.

"Ohh, Harrington, got yourself a rebound? Not bad!"

"Fuck off and dye Hargrove!" your anger was showing.

"Feisty! I like this one better." Billy said with a grin on his face.

"Can you wait 10 minutes?" her dark brown eyes were melting your irrational heart.

"Outside, in ten. I mean it Harrington!" your voice sounded softer this this time making Steve eyes darker.

"Can I join?" Billy interfered chuckling

"Shut up!" both you and Steve responded this time.

You were in the parking lot standing on the hood of his car, fibbing your feet nervous. He came out fast pushing the door open with his bag pack in one and jogging until he reached your side. At least he was punctual.

"What happen’ yesterday? You didn't show up."

Yeah, sorry I was having a moment with mother nature.

"I had a car accident."

"WHAT? Are you hurt? Where are you hurt? Say something!" to be honest, you were pretty well, except for the some bruises on your left hand from hitting the car, you were fine.

"Yes, Steve, I’m fine. I want to ask you something and please be honest with me whatever the reason is, I just have to know, I won't ask again, promise?" You looked helpless into his eyes taking him by surprise.

“Promise.” His eyes grew wider trying to understand your reaction.

"Are you taking drugs?" your question changed his expression 180 degrees.

"What? Why would you think about that?" he almost let out a chuckle before seeing your serious expression.

"I don't know, for sport, just a.."

"Do you think I need it?" now he felt insulted.

"Just answer me, please."

"No, Y/N" part of you felt relieved and the other part felt crushed.

"Then I'm going crazy! That's the answer" you said lifting your hand in surrender.

"Tell me what happened."

"Sure, so you can think I'm crazy as well!"

"Y/N" he took your hand in his and your heart won over the mind.

"The reason I had an accident it is because I was attacked, my car actually, by a grizzly bear."

"A real grizzly bear?" his expression wasn’t surprised or frightened at all.

"Yep, Yogi Bear cousin came to Hawkins. I'm nuts, just say it!"

"Where did this happen?" he didn't laugh at your stupid joke, instead he became more interested.

"Close to the Clive's. No one was on the street it was peaceful except for this guy, he wasn't from the picture, he had a big mokawk hair and he was standing near..."

"Blond hair?" now you were intrigued.

"How did you..."

"We have to go, get in the car!" his voice was commanding, powerful, kinda distracting...

"To my place first, I need a shower, and then I will tell you everything." for the first time that day you didn’t feel crazy.

End of Part Two.

#stranger things #stranger things imagine #stranger things fanfic #steve harrington #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington and you #billy hargrove

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lalast0ne · 4 years ago

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Homeward Bound

Layla

*I sit on the edge of the bed tapping my foot against the floor and biting my thumb nail as my eyes flick between the clock on the wall, the watch on my wrist and my parents. He’s not late, I silently tell myself. Not even a little bit, actually. If anything he’ll be extremely early, even if he doesn’t arrive for another 30 mins, but my nerves are getting the better of me.

“Stop biting your nails, Pebble.”

My moms firm tone has me grimacing and I bring my hands to my lap then proceed to fidget even more.

I was so concerned with my feelings and insisting I wanted to go home with Wilder because I believed it would be best for me that I hadn’t stopped to consider that just maybe he’d had a change of heart about taking me home. Maybe it was too much to expect or to ask.

I look at my Dad who gives me a small smile then comes over and wraps an arm around my shoulder “He’ll be here. That man is reluctant to let you out of his sight on a normal day. Stop worrying.” The door opens but my relief is short lived when the doctor enters the room with a stack of papers. My discharge forms, which Dad takes, and a bag of medication which Mom slips into my case. I listen carefully and nod as I’m reminded to continue my exercises daily, to not put pressure on myself and if the headaches become too severe I’m to contact the doctor immediately.

“Where’s Mr. Steele?” The doctor looks around as if expecting Wilder to materialise in the centre of the room.

“He’ll be here.” I force a smile and nod matter of factly, fighting the nerves. He will be here.. I silently tell myself, he will.*

Wilder

*Of all mornings to be stuck behind a train. BlackSoul rarely saw any trains. If I had to count on one hand, I’ve probably only seen three dead stopped in my town. I think I put the fear of God in the last conductor that he made sure never to stop again. I glare at the car and make a mental note to have another word or two with this train company. Finally, after what seems like an hour, the train slowly picks up speed and I floor the gas to cross the tracks at the same time the train car barely crosses it. I was at the hospital in minutes, stomping my boots loudly down the hallway, awakening many patients I’m sure. If only I cared. My eyes were focused on only one room and when I opened the door to hear the doctor asking for me, I made my presence known. The doctor quit talking and I walked straight up to Layla. Nervous energy was rolling off her and I hate it. I needed to be the calm she always was for me. I slide my hand down her arm to lock our fingers together.* Are you ready to blow this joint Layla?

Layla

*All eyes fly to the door as it pushes open with force and my shoulders relax immediately. Wilders frame fills the door frame for a few seconds before he stalks toward me with purpose and takes my hand in his, lacing our fingers together. I release the breath I didn’t realise I’d been holding and my body leans slightly against you as an entire zoo begins to stamp around in my stomach. My smile must be wider than the Cheshire cats and it’s all because of you. Because you’re here. I look to my Dad who gives me a quick wink before shooting a warning look to my Mom, then I look up at you when you speak, nodding eagerly* I’m so ready. *I squeeze your fingers then hop down from the bed, throwing my bag over my shoulder* Take me home.

Wilder

*I take your bag from you and kiss your forehead, letting your hand go long enough that you can hug your parents. I shake your dad’s hand and assure your mom, who is still on my bad side, for what feels like the millionth time, that you are in good hands. At least one Stone is one my/our/ side.* The animals can’t wait to see you. Do you remember all their names I wrote down?

Layla

*I hug my parents hard. Even though Mom has been driving me crazy about going to live with them, rather than you, her heart was in a good place .. it always is.

“You call if you need anything, ok?”

That’s code for me to call if I change my mind. We all know it* I will, thanks Mom. *I turn back to you and smile, taking a deep breath as the nerves kick up again for a whole different reason. Going back to a life I don’t know feels daunting all of a sudden but I nod my head at your question* I do .. it’s kinda like having the 7 dwarfs live with us. *I reel of the pets names checking them off on my fingers as I say them* Killer, Luna, Ghost, Whiskey, Blaze, Nimbus and *eyes you* Pussy. I figure if I yell a name, ones bound to come.

Wilder

*I smirk as you name them off correctly and even list off Pussy. Taking your hand in mine once again, we head to leave the room.* I think you deserve a treat for getting them all right. We can hit up the ice cream drive through on the way home. It’s my favorite. *You smile at your parents one last time and we slowly walk down the hallway to the elevator.* I do have one thing to tell you about before we get home. He wasn’t in any of the pictures.

Layla

*I have a smile on my face and I’m so happy to finally be leaving this place after, what feels like, a lifetime. But the sadness of the situation isn’t lost on me. I should know that that’s your favourite without you having to tell me. I should be able to go to the ice cream drive thru with you and order your ice cream, knowing that you’ll enjoy it. I swallow down the lump that lodging itself in my throat as the realisation of what we’re about to face hits me.

I’m walking hand in hand with you, my husband, and I know so little about you. I don’t voice any of this. Instead I smile up at you and nod enthusiastically* I’d like that a lot. *We come to a stop at the elevators and I hit the button, my smile faltering slightly as you continue to talk* He?

Wilder

*I can see the wheels turning in your mind and your eyes telling me all your emotions. From happy and excited to scared and frustrated.* Ice cream is really not my favorite. I wanted you to find a flavor you wanted to try. *We step on to the elevator when the doors open and they close behind us.* He. Jake. A 13 year old teenager that lives with us. We kind of took him in and raise him now. He loves your parents. He goes and stays with them whenever he wants. He has a crush on Salem, our club manager. *I see you smile and I growl.* It’s not that cute. But he hangs out at her house, which is across the street from ours. She has been extremely helpful. He’s excited for you to get home. *Laughs* Just be careful when he tries to tell you how much you love this gross mac and cheese he makes. He can’t get anyone to like it but himself. *I turn to face you, lifting my hand to pull your hair.* I promise it will all be ok Layla. Trust me. Please.

Layla

*You fondly talk of Jake, telling me the basics of him and it raises so many more questions that I’ll make sure to fire at you later .. because for now all I can think is .. I have a kid. Not one I’ve given birth to but one I .. we’ve .. been raising for some time, by the sounds of it. I laugh softly and nod my head as the elevator descends and you give me the warning about Jakes bad cooking* I consider myself warned *I turn to face you and smile as you tug on my hair. It’s the softest tug.. a sign of affection* you shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep, Wilder. *I raise my hand and tug gently on your beard* But I trust you completely.

Wilder

I never break a promise Little Ball of Fire. *The elevator doors open and I lead you to the car, helping you in and then put your bag in the trunks. I knock on the trunk when I close it and get in the drivers seat.* BlackSoul is not too far away. We will be home before you know it. *I reach my arm across and wait for you to take my hand.*

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your-modern-shakespeare · 7 years ago

Text

Never Forget You (22)

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21

Summary: It’s been over a year since Dean has gone to Hell. You used to date Dean, so what would it be like if you ran into him one day?

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 6315 (well...)

A/N: Sorry for the way over due wait on this, this semester was hard on me and I’m getting back into the swing of things. So here is the second fic for the week and I am going to try my hardest to get the fic rec out in the next couple of hours. I love you guys and I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: talks of Pregnancy, ANGST, fluff (?), talk of nudity

Tags: @drunkwordsss, @fangirl1802, @beltz2016, @lust-for-pan, @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes, @cra-zy-vib-es1999 (here you go :))

Y/N’S POV

It's been about a month since Sam got back...or his soul I guess. The only problem was that he didn’t remember anything, so as far as he knew Dean and I never got engaged and we never got pregnant. Or that's what he believed and we weren't going to tell him any different.

So we worked a few cases and did everything we could to keep this wall from crumbling down. We faced dragons and spider creatures and the walking mannequins and took every opportunity to lie to Sam.

Of course the only thing we couldn’t stop was the fact that Sam was trying to do anything he could to remember everything that he had forgotten.

We were lounging around Bobby’s and went downstairs to look for dinner when we saw that Bobby was gone, out on a supply run, and Sam was in Bobby’s study looking through some lore books. Dean and I were resting on the couch when I felt the surge of archangel energy and I quickly hide myself from him.

“Hello, boys and Y/N. You've seen "the Godfather," right?”

“Balthazar…” Dean started to threaten.

“You know, the end, where Michael Corleone sends his men to kill his enemies in one big, bloody swoop?” He grabbed a container of salt and threw it into a bowl on Bobby’s desk.

“Hey!” Dean yelled as he dug through the multiple ingredients throughout Bobby’s stash of the supernatural.

"Dead Sea brine. Good, good, good. You know, Moe Greene gets it in the eye, and Don Cuneo gets it in the revolving door?”

“I said "hey."”

“You did. Twice. Good for you. Blood of lamb. Blood of lamb.” He moved over to the fridge and started digging through there. “Beer, cold pizza. Blood of lamb. Yes! Blood of lamb!”

“Why are you talking about "the Godfather"?”

“Because we're in it, right now, tonight. And in the role of Michael Corleone, The archangel Raphael.”

“You mind telling us what you mean?”

“No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.” He was digging through Bobby’s desk and knocking everything out and onto the floor. “Yes. Bone of a lesser saint. This vertebra will do very nicely. Your Mr. Singer does keep a beautiful pantry.”

“Wait, Raphael is after you?”

“Raphael is after us all. You see, he's consolidated his strength. And now he's on the move.”

“And where's Cas?”

“Oh, Cassie? He is deep, deep underground. So, good old Raffy put out a hit list on every last Samaritan who helped our dear Cas, including the three of you. And so much more importantly, me. See, he wants to draw Cas out in the open.”

“And you expect us to just believe you?” I finally butted in.

“Oh, don't. You'll go where I throw you either way.” He walked over to the window and started drawing a sigil.

“What's that supposed to mean?” Dean asked and the storm outside seemed to get heavier.

“That's all the time we have, lady and gentlemen.” He opened his jacket, where we could see a pretty nasty cut. “Where is it?”

“Whoa. What happened there?”

“Oh. Garish, I know. You see, uncle Raffy sent one of his nastiest to handle me. I'm flattered, actually. And down a lung at the moment, but that's all right.” He threw a set of keys at me. “Oh, here's for you.”

“What am I supposed to do with this?” I asked.

“Run with it.” All of the sudden Balthazar is thrown across the room and another angel appears, ready to fight.

“Virgil.” He said and turned to the three of us. “I said, run!” And then he throws us thru a window. I was looking right at Sam and Dean and some other girl as they fell through the window and onto a mattress. I quickly looked around and saw that I was sitting in some director’s type chair.

“Cut!” I looked over at an older man sitting behind a small TV. Sam and Dean were looking around the TV set, or what I could make it out as, and I quickly got off the chair and walked over to them. The other girl looked exactly like me and creepily so. “Outstanding! That was just great.” The same guy yelled.

“So...No angels?” Sam asked.

“No angels, I think.” Dean answered.

“I don’t feel anything.” I said.

“Should we be killing anybody?” Sam asked again.

“I don't think so.” Dean answered.

“Running?”

“Where?”

“Moving on! That's a wrap on Jared, Jensen, and Haley!” One of the crew members yelled.

“Who the hell are—?” Sam asked. Sam and Dean were both staring at someone behind me and as soon as I turned around I felt someone kissing me. I knew that it wasn’t Dean but for some reason this kiss felt just as right. My hands were stuck between this man’s chest and I was going to push him away but strangely enough I didn’t want to.

I pulled away first and opened my eyes to the man I least expected to see, let alone to be kissing.

I was completely speechless, I couldn’t say a word.

“You surprised to see me?”

“Very.”

“I know that I’m here early but I couldn’t wait to see you and I really wanted to be here for your appointment.”

“Appointment.”

“With the OB/GYN.” He put his hands on my waist and that’s where I saw the small but very visible bulge that was my stomach. I looked down at my left hand to see the ring that was there and very quickly put the pieces together. This wasn’t our world and in this world I was married to whatever man looked exactly like John Winchester.

“Can you give me a minute with these two?” I asked.

“Sure thing. I’ll meet you in your trailer.”

“Okay.” He kissed me on the cheek before he turned and walked away.

“What the hell is happening?” I said.

“He’s alive.” Dean said, absolutely stunned and like a deer in the headlights.

“This isn’t our world.”

“How do you know?” Sam asked.

“Well, for one, ever since we got here, I’ve been trying to get out of here and I’m still here. Two Cas is standing right over there and yet I have no idea who that is considering I don’t sense any angels. And three I am married to your father and carrying his child.”

“One how do we know that that is not Cas, especially if your powers don’t work here? And two, can you never say that again?” Dean asked.

“Dean, this is our reality right now. We need to figure out why Balthazar sent us here. Because I don't know about you, but I don't really want to get stuck here.”

“Jared! Three minutes, okay? Great.” A woman came over and stole Sam away from us, Dean following behind.

“Where are we going?”

“Jensen, there you are! Let's just get you in the chair.” Another woman started to drag Dean off in the other direction and I followed.

“Chair?” He asked.

“I’ll meet up with you later, find out what’s going on!” I called after him and headed out of the lot. I saw a line of trailers and walked up the line of them until I found one that said Haley Morgan. I remembered them calling out a Haley when I was standing next to Sam and Dean, so I opened up the trailer door and walked in.

“Hey there.” He quickly came over to my side, ushering me to the couch.

“Hi.”

“You okay?”

“I’m just really tired.”

“I told you that you work too hard.”

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Always.”

“I feel like I never stop.”

“It’s because you don’t, but it’s also what made me fall in love with you.”

“How's that?” He pulled me closer to him. His eyes stared into me and I couldn’t help but feel a little overwhelmed by the things that I was feeling for this man. I didn’t understand why I was feeling anything for him, but he made me feel the way that I felt when I was with Dean.

“Because I love making you stop.” He was so close to me that I couldn’t think straight. His hand came up to hold my face and then he kissed me. And God was he right. He made everything stop, my thoughts, my worries, everything. And that scared me.

I pulled away and took in a breath.

“Don’t we have an appointment to get to?”

“We do.” He smiled, before he stood. He grabbed his keys and I followed him out of the trailer.

I looked at the lot pausing for a second when I spotted Sam and Dean talking to Cas, or at least the guy who looked like him. I caught Dean’s eye and he just shook his head and I turned back to my husband. I didn’t know what was happening and I had no idea how to fix it.

DEAN’S POV

I watched as Y/N left with him...Sam was dragging me off to who knows where, I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that she was married to someone else.

“Dean, concentrate, we’ve got to find a way out.” I followed Sam as we started walking up a line of trailers.

“Hey. "J. Ackles."” Sam pointed out.

“That's fake me.”

“Yeah.”

“This must be fake mine.” He opened the door to Jensen’s trailer and we walked in. Honestly when I walked in I was surprised by how fancy this was, I easily got distracted. “Dude, I have a helicopter!”

“Oh. All right, who puts a 300-gallon aquarium in their trailer?”

“Apparently, Jensen Ackles.”

“Huh.” Sam moved to sit at a laptop on the table next to me. “All right, here we go. Let's see who this guy is.”

“Well, he's not a hunter, but he plays one on TV.” I walked over to the huge TV that had some video of me and Sam on it. “Oh.” I picked up a magazine that was sitting on the coffee table. “Come on. Look at these male models. Nice "blue steel," Sam.”

“Hey. Apparently, it's our job. All right, uh, here goes. Um...It says you're from Texas.”

“Really?” I walked over to the table and sat down beside him, looking at what he had found.

“Yeah. Married to Danneel Ackles in 2010 and, uh...Oh. Says you were on a soap opera.”

“What?” He pulled up this very over dramatic clip of Jensen acting and I pulled the laptop away and went back to the previous screen.

“I don't like this universe, Sammy. We need to get out of here.” I started looking at the titles of the articles listed under my name.

“Yeah. No argument here. But I don't think our prayers are reaching Cas. Or the real Cas.”

“Well, I agree. I think we are definitely out of, uh, soul-phone range. Wait—”

“What?” I pointed at one of the “People also search for” names on google.

“Haley Morgan.” I clicked on the photo of her face and the first thing to pop up were pictures of Y/N. I scrolled down and saw her husband’s name. “Jeffrey Dean Morgan, married since 2008.”

“Dean, that isn’t Y/N.”

“Yeah.”

“We need to focus on getting out of here. Which seems kind of hopeless, I mean Y/N doesn’t have any powers here, so how are we going to—”

“I have an idea.”

“What?”

“If we can reverse Balthazar's spell... I watched every move.” I grabbed a pencil and pad and sketched out the sigil. “We just, uh, get the ingredients, right, get back to that same window, and...There's no place like home.”

Y/N’S POV

“Congratulations! It’s a girl.” The doctor said and as soon as she got a few pictures, she wiped the jelly from my stomach.

Jeff (I asked him to fill out the form and I finally learned his name from that) was so excited. I think I was shocked because after I heard what the doctor said, I couldn’t stop crying.

“It’s a girl.” I whispered.

“We’re having a girl.” He reached up and kissed me quickly before he helped me off the chair. The doctor left the room saying that the receptionist would schedule our next appointment on the way out.

I was having the hardest time coming to terms with what was happening to me, because on one hand I could be happy for the possibility of this child and the amazing life that this was but on the other hand there was a world that was falling apart, one where I wouldn’t get the happy ending, one that I had to go back to. Being torn...made it really hard to be happy. And I couldn't stop crying.

“Hey, what’s the matter?”

“I’m happy, I really am.”

“Then why are you crying?” He held my face in his hands and wiped my tears away with his thumbs.

“I don’t know...I’m just really tired.”

“Well let’s get you home.”

And like he said, he took me home, which was this apartment complex that the cast and crew shared not far from the lot...and in Canada, which I thought Dean would get a kick out of.

As soon as he opened the door I went inside and found the bedroom collapsing onto the bed. I moved to my left side and he followed in behind me, laying down right behind me.

“Are you alright? You’ve been acting kind of strange today.”

“I think I was just nervous about the appointment. That and I didn't really sleep all too well last night.”

“Well get some sleep now, I’m taking you out to dinner to celebrate later and I'm hoping to make you smile.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Don't be, I know I surprised you and I know how hard the distance is, I miss you all the time.”

“I'm glad you were here for the appointment.” I genuinely was, I didn't want to go by myself when I had no idea who I even was.

“Me too. Now you need to go to sleep.” He moved to leave.

“Jeff...can you stay until I fall asleep? I don't really want to be alone.”

“Sure.”

He moved back in behind me, letting his hand rest on my stomach. The longer I stayed here the longer I grew more comfortable with Jeff, to his voice, his smile, his touch. I fell asleep easily in his arms dreaming of a life with my baby girl.

DEAN’S POV

We walked into “Jared’s” study after our awkward confrontation with Jared's wife, who apparently played Ruby in Supernatural the TV show and coincidentally owns an Alpaca. Sam and I ignored the fact that we apparently weren't even friends in this universe and tried to get to work. As soon as we got in the room started looking for our missing ingredient for the spell.

“"Wrist bone of saint and holy reliquary. Museum-quality, from diocese in Oaxaca." Looks legit.”

“All right. Auction house is in Mexico City. We could be there day after tomorrow. We, uh, case it, yank it, be back here by the end of the week.”

“Or we could just buy it.”

“What?! Dude, that thing's over a hundred thou—” Sam picked a credit card up off the desk. “Hello, Jared Padalecki.”

So I got on the website and started filling out the information to pick up the package and Sam was on the phone from someone at the airport.

“Cubrir a su amigo en la aduana. no? Bueno.”

“Triple rush. No problemo. Because money is no ob—This baby's maxed.” Sam just pulled out another card and handed it to me.

“They said it should be at the airport first thing in the morning.”

“Money, man. There is nothing like it. All right. Couch. TV star. Beauty rest. I moved over to the couch and tried to fall asleep. But the fact that I hadn't seen Y/N all day or even talked to her was really bothering me.

I pulled out my phone and saw that I had a few missed calls and texts from the same person, Danneel, which I remembered was my wife.

I quickly looked through the texts and sent her a message telling her that my phone had died while I was at work and that I would call her in the morning, hoping that would give her some explanation. I don't know why I was concerned about giving her a reason but I was.

I scrolled through my phone until I saw Haley and called the number.

Y/N’S POV

I was sleeping pretty good considering I was in an alternate universe and sleeping in a bed that belonged to someone else. Apparently I was more tired than I actually thought, considering when I told Jeff I was tired I thought it was just an excuse. But I was jolted from my sleep when I heard buzzing coming from my bedside table.

I sat up, a lot slower than usual, considering the bulge, and grabbed the phone off my table. I looked at the empty side of the bed but turned back to answer the incoming call.

Y/N: Hello? I said sleepily.

DEAN: Y/N?

Y/N: Dean? Please tell me that you found something .

DEAN: I think we did. We're going to try and reverse Balthazar's spell in the morning.

Y/N: That's good news. I don't think I sounded too happy.

DEAN: I thought you would have been a little happier to hear we were going home. Are you okay?

Y/N: I am happy.

DEAN: What's wrong? Even over the phone he could tell that something was wrong with me.

Y/N: I'm having a girl. There was a long break of silence.

DEAN: A girl? He sounded a little choked up, even if he would never admit it.

Y/N: Yeah. Another long break.

DEAN: Well you would never believe what I found out. We are in Canada. He changed the subject.

Y/N: Yeah I know. I laughed.

DEAN: And you never got to meet her but Sam is married to Ruby or the chick who played Ruby on the show—

Y/N: Ruby the demon?

DEAN: Yeah and he has an alpaca in his backyard.

Y/N: Who is this guy?

DEAN: I know right?

Y/N: What about you?

DEAN: I'm married too.

Y/N: I guess we all are.

DEAN: It's weird thinking about all of us being married to other people

Y/N: It's weird thinking about our life being a TV show.

DEAN: I know right? It was bad enough when it was a book series.

Y/N: Really.

DEAN: So what about Jeffrey? Is he nice?

Y/N: He is and he's really excited for the baby.

DEAN: I bet he is.

Y/N: And from what you told me, he doesn't really remind me of anything like your dad.

DEAN: Really?

Y/N: I guess. I never met your dad in the present but Jeff is more like your dad before he lost your mom.

DEAN: That's good.

Y/N: So what are you guys doing now?

DEAN: Well we ordered an ingredient for the spell online, it'll be here in the morning. So now we're just kind of hanging out.

Y/N: I'm about to go eat dinner but—

“Hey, you're awake?” I heard Jeff say and I looked up at him, pausing in complete shock.

DEAN: Y/N? I heard him ask on the other line but I couldn't tear my eyes or thoughts away from a very naked Jeff standing in the doorway of the bathroom. Not responding to either of them, he moved towards the bed, but didn't stop.

“Like what you see?” He said, chuckling at me as he walked into the closet.

DEAN: What did you see?

Y/N: I'm going to have to call you back.

DEAN: What? What did he do?

Y/N: Nothing you want to know about.

I hung up the phone and hid my face under the blankets, feeling the blush on my cheeks and trying to hide it. But I didn't see Jeff quietly walking back over to his side of the bed before slipping in beside me and practically scaring me into a laughing fit when he grabbed my sides and tickled me relentlessly.

“Jeff, Stop!” I cried during my laughter. After a minute of begging he let up and I couldn't help but smile at the dorky smile on his face. “You are evil.”

“No I'm not.”

“I was talking to Jensen.”

“And?”

“And you were very distracting.”

“But I made you smile.”

“God, if that's what you have to do to make me smile, then I'm in more trouble than I thought.”

“I told you how much trouble I was before we got married but you still said I do.”

“Don't make me regret it now.”

“Go get in the shower. I want to take my beautiful wife and daughter out for a good restaurant cooked meal.”

“Fine, but I'm going to frown the whole way.” I put on my sad face and started walking around the room, really milking the sad face for him but I was actually trying to figure out where my things were. He just watched me from the bed and waited until I was close enough to him, to slap my rear so that he could get a different response out of me.

“Hey!”

“Go, Mrs. Grumpy Gills.” I walked over to the bathroom door and looked at him one last time.

“You know that makes you Mr. Grumpy Gills right?” He smiled and I closed the door behind me.

I didn’t take a long shower, just long enough to relax a little. That and I stared at my little bump. She wasn’t that big, but I loved her so much.

That night I went to dinner with Jeff and I actually had a really great time with him. I wore a dress that didn't make me feel fat and shoes that I really regretted wearing, but dinner was good. And when we got back to the apartment it didn't take long for either of us to fall asleep.

I woke up the next morning earlier than Jeff, quickly got dressed and wrote out a note, for whenever he woke up.

Jeff,

I headed into work early. Jensen and Jared came to pick me up so swing by when you want. I hope you sleep in and take your time getting here, you deserve it.

Love, Me

I wasn’t sure if that was overboard but I just hurried downstairs and out to the car that the boys were in. Dean was nice and helped me into the car, seeing as it was harder for me to climb in, since the car was higher off the ground.

Sam and Dean had a package with them and I just figured that that was the last ingredient they needed for the spell. Clif, their driver, dropped us off at the studio and they started putting the ingredients in the bowl like Balthazar did but before we could get any further the lights turned on and crew members poured in.

The boys begged to have some time in the space but ultimately they didn’t budge which meant the boys needed to do some acting. Surprisingly enough, I wasn’t in this scene, apparently they’ve been cutting me little by little so that they had to do less cover up and editing for my baby bump.

Misha always started the scene but take after take the boys were just not getting it.

“Action!” The director must have yelled for the hundredth time.

“That's because...That's because we have no other choice.” Sam said.

“Don't look at the camera.” Dean whispered.

“What?”

“Look anywhere but the camera.” Sam gingerly looked up at the ceiling.

“That's because we have no other choice!”

“Cut! For the love of…” So they reset and tried again.

He held up a prop key, “If there's a key, then,” raising up his other arm, “there must also be a lock.”

“Cut!” Reset. “Action!”

“If there's a key...then there has to be a lock. And when we find the lock, we can get the weapons, and then we can have the weapons. And the lock. We'll still have the lock, I imagine, because we've opened it, and, of course, the initial key.”

“We need to get all three.” Dean said in a really deep voice.

“What?”

“That's how he does it.”

“Oh.”

“Do we really need all these lines? I mean, I-I-I-I think we've covered it. Right?” Dean looked over to the director.

“Cut! What is happening? What's happening?! What's happening?!”

“What about Haley?” Someone suggested and then they all turned to me.

“Let’s adjust the cameras and someone give her a script. Try and get something done.”

So they added me back into the scene, apparently giving me and Cas an “angelic moment” they called it. While I was working with Misha, found out his name too, Sam and Dean started working on the spell, out of frame.

We paused to take a break and I met up with them.

“Where did you learn to do that?” Dean asked.

“I went to college and one of the classes I took was beginning acting.”

“Anyway, we’re thinking that we need to be in the same places we were when we came through, which means—”

“Which means I need to be by those chairs.”

“And we’ll jump through the window.”

“Let’s do this.” Sam said. So I went and stood by the chairs and then they jumped through. The only problem...it didn’t work.

So plan B, we didn’t have one. We were headed back to Jensen’s trailer when Jeff stopped me.

“Hey.” He stooped down and kissed me.

“Hi.”

“Where you headed?”

“Well these two had a rough take so we’re headed to Jensen’s trailer to run lines.”

“I brought you some food.”

“You are a lifesaver.”

“I’ll go wait in your trailer.”

“Thank you.” Sam and Dean just watched me.

“What?”

“He brought you food?” Sam asked.

“What? I’m pregnant!” I opened the door to his trailer and sat down on the couch.

“Maybe we did it wrong.” He suggested.

“No. No, that spell was perfect. It should have worked.”

“What if it can't? Look, I was up all night, looking online. There's no sign that anything like the apocalypse happened here. Ever. And as far as I can tell, monsters, ghosts, demons – they're all pretend. I mean, even Y/N doesn’t have her powers and she was the closest thing to God that we had.”

“So nobody's hunting then?”

“No hunters. Look, maybe that's why our spell didn't work, you know? Maybe here, there's no supernatural, no magic.”

“No demons, no hell, no heaven, no god.

“Something like. Even better – No angels.”

“What do you think Y/N?” They caught me with a big bite of food in my mouth. I tried to talk around it but I had to get through my bite first.

“I honestly don't know what to do, the only thing I can assume is that when Balthazar needs the key he'll bring us back.” I put the key on the table.

“So we're just sitting ducks?”

“Without my powers I don't know what else to suggest.”

“So what we just keep going on with these fake lives? We go back to our wives and you to your husband?”

“What else are we supposed to do without any magic? I'm not trying to brag but I have a pretty great fake husband and if we have to stay here longer than planned then I know at the very least that I'll be okay. But I also am carrying a child and I have to think about her, so I'm not going to jump through windows and cast spells that could backfire. If we do anything else it's going to be because we know 100% that it'll work.”

“A girl?” Sam said, I looked at Dean with a confused look. He must have not told Sam because it was to close to our truth.

“Yeah...that was what the appointment was for.”

“Oh.” We tried to change subjects but we were both thrown off that I just ended up heading back to my trailer.

Jeff and I sat in the trailer for a while, watching a movie and eating more food. He picked a pretty funny movie but it was a suspiciously long wait.

So we decided to go and figure out what was happening. And I wasn't really amused.

Apparently Sam and Dean got in a fight with an “extra.” I had no idea what that was about so I texted Dean. Apparently the extra was Virgil the weapons keeper of Heaven, but he didn't have his powers either but that he disappeared. He said that they were going to head back to Jared’s home for the night and that apparently filming would continue tomorrow after they figured out what to do with their rogue stars. They had a quick meeting with the director before they would head that way and Dean said that he would see me tomorrow.

So Jeff and I went home and had a home cooked meal. We watched TV and talked a lot about the baby, looking at names, furniture, and other baby stuff. And then I got a text from Dean, late at night.

DEAN: Misha is dead. Virgil got to him. But homeless guy said that Raphael will pull Virgil back through tomorrow, same time, same place.

The following morning was a bittersweet day because I had to send Jeff back to LA. So he drove to the airport and I walked him inside.

“So...I've really enjoyed the past few days.”

“Me too. I regret not spending some more intimate time with you…” He leaned down to say in my ear.

“Yeah, I'm sorry, I mean with the baby and the appointment and everything going kind of crazy at work—”

“I understand, I do. I just miss you when I go.”

“I know.”

“But you'll be back in LA soon for the convention and I'll get to spend more time with you.”

“Yeah, I'll see you then.”

“And until then I need you to take extra special care of our little girl.”

“I will.”

“Good.” He leaned down and kissed me, pulling me close to him.

The thing about Jeff was that I could definitely feel that Haley loved him. I had felt so much love for Jeff in the two days that I had known him and being in this world was a great reminder of the things that I did have in my life, back in the world where the supernatural existed.

“I'll see you soon.” I said.

“I'm going to miss you two.”

“We’re going to miss you too.” And then he went through security waving behind him once more before he disappeared.

The drive back to the TV lot was a sad one. I tried to keep my mind away from the inevitable but every so often I thought of her and couldn't help but long to bring her with me.

I pulled in and parked next to the car Sam and Dean had driven in and then I walked in to find them waiting for me in Bobby’s.

“Hey.” Dean said, moving from the chair he was sitting in and let me sit instead .

“Thanks.”

“Are you okay?”

“I was just a little emotional coming over here, hormones and everything.”

“Where's Jeffrey?” Sam asked.

“Getting on a plane to LA.”

“Well we’ll be home soon and this will all just feel like a dream.” He tried to make me feel better, but I wouldn't tell him that it made me feel worse. I think Dean picked up on it though, he probably knew exactly what I was feeling.

“You know that if we drop Virgil, get the key, then this might be it. We might be stuck here.” Hearing him say that...I knew that he was trying to support me. That even though we were married to different people here, he just wanted me to be happy.

But most importantly he was trying to protect me from the thought of what was about to happen. “No, we'll figure out a way back.”

“Well, you wouldn't be that broken up if we didn't, though.”

“What? Don't be stupid.”

“Well, I'm just saying. No hell below us, above us only sky.”

“Dean, our friends are back there.”

“Yeah, but here, you got a pretty good life. I mean, back home, the hits have been coming since you were 6 months old. You got to admit, being a-a bazillionare, married to Ruby, the whole package. It's no contest. And Y/N has a husband who loves her and a future that I can't give…” He stopped and I looked up at him, trying to hold back my tears.

“No, you know, you were right. We just don't mean the same thing here. I mean, we're not even brothers here, man. It's not that this world isn't amazing, it's just not real.”

I tired to come to terms with what he was saying but I couldn't help but want to run away from the possibility of going through this loss again.

DEAN’S POV

I watched as all of the color left Y/N’s face. I tried to get her mind away from the fact that she was leaving this life behind, this baby behind, but Sam dragged her right back in. I was going to say something to her when all of the sudden we heard gunshots coming from outside the studio. I immediately went to shield Y/N, moving her behind the desk where she could hide. Sam and I listened, waiting for Virgil to come inside, except we were too far away from him to do anything. I told Y/N to stay as hidden as she could but that she would have to stay close just in case Balthazar decided to pull us back, then we moved.

Sam was our distraction and as soon as Virgil turned away from the remaining civilians I attacked him and we collapsed into a motel room set. As soon as he was knocked out I yelled for Y/N to come in and Sam grabbed the keys off of him. We saw a glowing Sigil appear on the glass and tried our hardest to run, knowing that Raphael would be on the other side, but it didn't work.

We were thrown through the window and onto the ground outside of a motel, where Raphael stood waiting.

“You three...Have the strangest luck.” She said?

“Raphael? Nice meatsuit. Dude looks like a lady.” With just one squeeze of her fist we lost all ability to breathe.

“The key.” She picked up the key from where it had landed when we fell through the window.

“And that will open you a locker at the Albany bus station.” We heard Balthazar say, his distraction releasing us from her hold.

“Really.”

“You see, I needed a modest decoy to make it more convincing.”

“Give me the weapons.”

“Sorry, darling. They're gone.”

“What?!”

“I said, too bloody late. You see, they were so well-hidden that I needed time to find them. So, I volunteered these three for a game of fetch with Virgil. You three were such an adequate stick. Thank you. Thank you.”

“You've made your last mistake.”

“Oh, I've got a few more up my sleeve, honey.” She moved to attack him when Castiel showed up.

“Step away from him, Raphael. I have the weapons now. Their power is with me.”

“Castiel.”

“If you don't want to die tonight, back off.” And just like that she was gone.

“Well, Cas...Now that you have your sword, try not to die by it.” Balthazar said before he too was gone.

“Cas, what the hell?” Cas walked over to us without a word and zapped us back to Bobby’s. “Wait, wait, you were in on this, using us a diversion?”

“It was Balthazar's plan. I would have done the same thing.”

“That's not comforting, Cas.” I said.

“When will I be able to make you understand? If I lose against Raphael, we all lose. Everything.

“Yeah, Cas. We know the stakes. That's about all you've told us!”

“I'm sorry about all this. I'll explain when I can.” And then he was gone too.

I looked at Sam, seeing that we were both angry about what Cas had done. Then I looked at the huge hole in the wall where the window used to be. The last I knew would hurt the most. I looked over at Y/N who was sitting on the couch now with her head in her hands.

“Y/N?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” She whispered.

“I know that this is a lot like before, but if we just wait this out—”

“Wait this out? You know we were happy before, we were going to get married and have a baby and Chuck took that away from us and now the angels get to do it too? I’m tired of waiting this out! I’m tired of being tossed around.”

“Don’t you think I feel the same? I loved our life together, I would have stayed if we had the chance. I want to marry you and we’ll deal with Chuck and the angels like we always do.”

“It’s never going to stop...I should have said no to him. At least then you could have been happy.”

And just like that she was gone too.

“Wait, you guys are engaged and were going to have a baby?” I turned to look at Sam, hoping that I hadn’t just put a crack in the wall.

PART TWENTY-THREE

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bobateatree · 7 years ago

Text

I haven’t written here in a long time. This is long and sad. I’ve definitely been called “Eeyore” before, so read with caution. Also, triggers and such.

It’s almost midnight on a Saturday and I’ve been tired for at least four hours. I don’t want to go to sleep. I’m too young to be tired on a night like this.

After I grabbed drive-thru breakfast with Tim this morning, I went home and showered before my OB/GYN appointment. My IUD looks normal. It’s such a relief. When I got home, I watched a block of Will & Grace on TV before mowing the lawn. I broke something in our backyard but my mom fixed it with duct tape (bless). I took another shower and now I’m here on my computer, where I’ve been the past few hours.

Tim is going to a kegger with his friends tonight where they’ve requested he play Voodoo Child by Jimi Hendrix on the guitar (”just like old times, they said”). After giving me an outline of all the possible scenarios (who will be there, how long he’ll be staying there, if he’ll stay the night, the possible fist fight that someone will start, etc.), I’ve opted to just wait for a text that will tell me if it’s worth coming. I’m already so sleepy, so even if I get a green light, I think I’ll have passed out at that point.

The irony is so thick. I have such bad FOMO for things like these (i.e., not partying enough at this time in my life), that when an opportunity finally comes, I’m just too tired.

I’ve felt lots of lows before: the stressed from school lows, the stressed from my dad leaving lows, the stressed from finishing college and becoming an adult lows. But this is unlike anything I’ve ever really felt before. It’s so...real? Not that the other ones haven’t been real, but this one is so close and tight and it just follows me constantly. The other lows I’ve been able to successfully hide, block, and/or numb. Not this time around. Oh, no.

So a lot of things have happened within the past calendar year. It’s been almost a full seven months since things have blown up, but have I recovered in those seven months? Absolutely not. Strap in!

Let’s start with my brother (this will be all about him, by the way; if he ever finds this blog, hi!). He started dating this girl, and then he moved her in without directly asking my mother if it was okay that some person he just began to date lived in her own house without ever really leaving. As soon as I noticed what was happening, I became extremely resentful and angry. I hope you can tell where this will be going. This began toward the end of 2015.

After a few months of this girl not leaving to ever go to her parent’s home (which is a long and harrowing 15 minutes away), only going there to move more of her things into my home, I became even more angry. Every time I tried to bring this up in conversation with my brother, he would talk over me, denounce me, belittle me--things older brothers love to do to their little sisters, at least that’s what mine does. It was a losing battle for me. My mother said she didn’t care, but I knew she did.

Oh, did I mention that my brother’s girlfriend never bothered paying rent when she lived in my home for a full year? Now’s a good time to mention that.

Throughout 2016, I was out of the house as much as I could possibly be. I did a lot of cool things, the majority of them away from home. I went to beer fests, concerts, musicals, and overall spent a lot of time in the city. I even took all four of us downtown one day when it was my brother’s birthday. It was a great time. I even got kicked out of a bar celebrating my own birthday, which was amazing and something I never want to do again.

Anyway. I was a 23 year old doing 23 year old things. Not really doing any harm, right?

Well, here’s the thing. My brother smoked weed 24/7, and eventually quit his job to do just that. All him and his girlfriend did was smoke weed and watch cartoons all day while my mom and I went to our full time jobs. At this point, toward the end of 2016, neither my brother nor his girlfriend were working (for reference, my brother is in his mid-30′s while his girlfriend is in her late 30′s). As a 23 year old, this angered me even more. But when I’m angry, I sit quietly and boil.

This is where shit hit the fan. My brother became manic around the 2016 holidays and would never, ever stop talking, rarely sleep, and had all these crazy get rich quick schemes because hard work is for people who don’t want to stop smoking weed and watch cartoons all day. And on Christmas Day, I said I wanted to kill myself because he pointed out that nothing I could do would make our mom happy (she’s been struggling in every way--mentally, emotionally, financially--ever since my dad left).

He proceeded to viciously scream at me and threaten to call the cops. I ran to the bathroom crying. He was going to his girlfriend’s family’s get together that day while I was bringing Tim to my family’s. He ignored me the rest of the day. When I had left for the evening, I slammed the door in his face.

Cue beginning of 2017. The manic episode continues for my brother. I would be followed around, relentlessly bullied, screamed at, etc. His lack of filter was piercing. In his mind, by obsessively bullying me to spend time with him, he thought he was helping me. I was actively avoiding him and his girlfriend because I didn’t want to be around 30-something potheads. He took notice and became even angrier with me. I later realized he was trying to control me, and responded badly when he couldn’t do that.

Also--by this time, I loaned him a lot of money so he could buy a car. I also loaned his girlfriend money for her bills. Surprise, surprise: my brother did not end up buying a car; he told me all the money went to fixing his girlfriend’s piece of shit car (he told me a lot of things he did with money I loaned him up to this point; looking back, I know he was clever in saying the money I let him borrow always went to helping someone else, instead of drugs, where it actually went).

Did I make a mistake loaning two shameless potheads lots of cash? Absolutely. Did I do my best to give them the benefit of the doubt because I tried to see the best in people? Yes. Because of this, will I ever loan people money again? Probably not, and that sucks.

So by early 2017, I was out a thousand dollars by two people living in my home who were essentially being irresponsible teenagers masquerading as 30-somethings with a purpose in life. Things were getting so bad at home that I looked forward to going to work every day because no one would be following me around, screaming at me, and/or asking me for money with a new creative excuse every time.

My brother would also make sure to relentlessly scream at my mother for hours at a time, for no reason at all. My mom once kicked him and his girlfriend out one evening for one of these instances, and his girlfriend started crying in her car because she was so hungry. I mean, all she wanted to do was eat dinner while her boyfriend was obsessively screaming in his own mother’s face. What was the problem? (I unfortunately was not home this evening, my mom called me and told me about it after those two were finally out of the house).

When my brother finally picked up that I didn’t want to be around him at all, he once aggressively wondered why I didn’t want to do drugs with him and why I didn’t like him anymore. This was on our way to a family party. I did not want to talk about it. (Also, while being super aggressive, he asked me why I acted like he was always attacking me. Well, JEEZ, I don’t know! I said I didn’t like being forced into conversation which was his favorite fucking thing to do to everyone around him).

And then, the inevitable happened. After all the screaming, the yelling, the aggression, the drug use, the disrespect, the lack of filter--my mom had enough. She finally kicked out my brother and his girlfriend. The day they were moving out, they tormented my mother the entire day while I was at work. They made her life hell for a full eleven hours.

After my mom could access a phone, she told me what was happening in real time. I have never been more angry in my entire life. My inner pot of hot boiling water exploded. I came home and screamed in my brother’s and his girlfriend’s faces. He responded by shoving me to the ground.

Drug addicts hate when you treat them the same way they’ve been treating you.

I think it’s only fair to point out that I wasn’t an angel; I was definitely mean at times. When my brother’s girlfriend would walk into the kitchen, I would glare at her when I thought she couldn’t see me (apparently she could?). When she tried talking to me, I wouldn’t look her in the eye. When I asked her to stop touching my things when she would be sitting inside my home when I was at work (she would share pictures on Facebook of my living room, for example, with items rearranged because aesthetic? I don’t, know, it was stupid just like she is), I could tell she didn’t like that. But I didn’t like that some stranger was living in my home, not paying rent, while I was working extra hard specifically to not be in this space she got to enjoy as a luxury. She even coaxed a 23 year old into loaning her money for her bills, as previously mentioned. She was living the dream!

There’s a lot that happened after the initial move out. It was a hot mess of them couch surfing at friend’s homes (who I brought up to speed as fast as I could; needless to say, the kindness from their friends dried up quickly) and eventually ending up in a motel (and coming back to my home, multiple times, unannounced, begging for money to stay a couple more nights there), and that’s where the begging ended. At one point they returned my mom’s stolen cell phone, which was the last “nice” thing they did.

It’s finally ended with my brother and his girlfriend blocking both me and my mom on Facebook. After this, my brother’s friends told me that he wrote a super long status about how awful me and my mom are. I wish I could’ve seen some screenshots.

Drug addicts love to rationalize in opposites.

I haven’t seen or heard from either of these people in...going on seven months. I honestly don’t know where they are or what they’re up to. I also haven’t seen my dad in four years. I hate how life has shown me that family can be so awful. Family is supposed to be the group of people in your life that’s not supposed to treat you this way.

At this point, I began to think of how my future wedding will look. Family is supposed to love you, right? But how can your family love you if...

I still need to make an appointment for a therapist because I still want to kill myself sometimes. Just when I thought I couldn’t handle more negativity, harassment, and abuse--bam! More shows up.

I just needed to get this all out, at least through this medium. Maybe if it’s all down, I’ll stop constantly thinking about these things in my mind when I should be focusing on the present. Because on the bright side, I’m no longer being lied to or screamed at by drug addicts who’ve said they love me, but didn’t actually mean it. And that’s something to be thankful for.

#after college #um various triggers

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