#warning:suicide attempt | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rei382 · 7 years ago

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Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Major Character Death (not Ed or Roy) Relationships: Edward Elric/Roy Mustang Characters: Edward Elric, Roy Mustang Additional Tags: Suicide Attempt, Angst Summary:

Ed was just a little too late in figuring out a way to get Alphonse back to his human body.

To my RoyEd gift exchange receiver, @sweetnessnarose !

I recalled you mainly said you loved angst, so... angst it is! I hope I didn’t go a little overboard with this (I was going for something a little less angsty but then Jonghyun died so I mean....) , and hope you will enjoy your gift regardless.

Either way, I hope you had a beautiful, super happy and full of love and gifts Christmas, and wish you a super happy new year!

A year has passes. A whole year since that happened. A year since Ed disappointed himself, and not just himself, and not only himself, in the worst way possible. A year since Ed no longer felt like a human being. A year since he lost the person who mattered to him the most.

An entire year, during which he was the only Elric left walking in the world.

People tried to cheer him up. To tell him that this wasn’t his fault, that he did everything he could, that there was simply not enough information, not enough time. But it was all lies.

He couldn’t bear this bullshit. It was entirely his fault. It was his idea, therefore he was responsible for the fact that his brother was in this situation. It was his fault for not noticing what was happening, when the armor started rejecting his brother’s soul. It was his fault for not taking seriously enough during the last few months, for not focusing enough on solving it and letting other things, much less important, occupy his mind.

And he could never forgive himself for that.

He stared down at the grave, the light gray stone stained dark by his tears, but the engraving on the hard surface was still painfully visible. Ed could barely see what was written there through the blurry veil on his eyes, but he didn’t have to, knowing all too well what it said.

Alphonse Elric

April 1900- January 1916

A brother

And a friend

It stung, but Ed was already used to pain. This would be the last time, anyway.

It wasn’t like he had any reason to stay.

Roy moved uncomfortably in his chair. Usually, Roy wouldn’t be so worried. Ed always had his temper - ever since he showed up in the Headquarters for the very first time - and he got even more familiar with it when they started dating. It wasn't unusual for him to storm out for the tiniest things, and it even worsened during the last year, ever since that happened.

He let out a sigh, bringing his eyebrows together in a frown. His hold on his cup of coffee tightened, so hard now that it could get broken but he didn't care. A year ago Alphonse's armor went through the last stage of rejecting his soul, and he perished. It was a harsh blow to everyone. He could probably speak for the entire office, and anyone who ever worked with the Elric Brothers - they both had a special place in everyone's heart. Losing Alphonse left a hollow space, and naturally Ed took it the hardest.

It didn't matter how many times Roy tried telling him that it wasn't his fault – his words fell on deaf ears. He would listen to none of it, and it always ended with a fight. Almost anything ended with a fight. There were times that he wanted to ends this, they even talked about it. But Roy knew this was only a phase. He knew that this was the time Ed needed him the most, and even though he was constantly hurting him, Roy still loved him. He wouldn't leave him, especially not at a time like this, for nothing in the world.

He glanced around, feeling the emptiness of the house, and found that despite his worry and the constant heaviness in his chest he was somewhat relived, in a very wrong way, that it was so quiet. After a whole year, it was getting harder and harder to tell that to himself. It was starting to bring him down too: living with constant lack of sleep, being mostly yelled at, dealing with Edward's moods and his refusal to accept the situation, his refusal to at least try to move on. He never considered himself an insecure man, but it was hard to only hear his lover call him stupid, a bastard, an asshole, an inconsiderate dick without the mischief spark that always shone in Ed's eyes before.

He took him into his house after Alphonse's burial, knowing that letting Ed live alone in the apartment he used to share with Alphonse would be a bad idea. But living with someone who was either violent or completely cold and indifferent for almost a year was giving its signs. Even though he didn't expect Ed to go back to the bold young man he was, he did expect him to slowly start moving on; but instead it seemed that he was only losing him further and further into depression.

He tried getting him to go to a therapist, but it was completely futile. He gave up on that after a few months, deciding that since this wasn't helping maybe what Ed needed was to be left alone for a little while, and only shower him with love and care, but that wasn't working, either, and Roy was starting to get tired.

Not tired of Ed or of helping him, but really, physically and emotionally tired. He didn't know how much longer he could live like this, and still he was giving it his all… yet, he was feeling that his strength was starting to betray him. There wasn’t much left for him to give.

He tapped on the table with his cup. He was starting to get worried. It had been hours since Ed left the house, and he rarely disappeared for that long. A quick glance at the window told him that it was starting to get dark. The last of the sun rays were coloring the skies in shades of orange and pink, bleeding through the last vestiges of blue. Perhaps he should go look for him? The way he was now, he probably ate nothing since Roy last fed him - which was at breakfast. He had to be starving by now.

Roy let out another sigh and got up from his seat. He was pretty sure he knew where he'd find him. It was always the same. He had nowhere else to go. Grabbing his keys, he left the house and headed for the car. He drove fast, his tension preventing him from letting go of the gas pedal. Ed wasn’t an idiot, even though he sometimes acted like one; and yet, Roy couldn’t let go of the feeling that his lover did something very, very stupid. Otherwise by now he’d be home, and not wandering around somewhere.

He only slowed down when he reached the narrow, earthy path that led to his destination. He was still driving too fast for the terrain; he could feel it in the way the car was shaking under him, almost painfully so, but he really couldn’t care less. His mind was elsewhere, racing, trying to figure out what he’d do if he got it wrong, if Ed wasn’t there. He couldn’t just go back and wait quietly at home, not when he knows at what state he left the house. He’d just have to go look for him, he must be somewhere in Central.

Noticing the metal gate, Roy let go of the gas pedal and hit the brakes. The car stopped, and Roy turned it off, taking the seat belt off and leaving it. He could notice that the gate wasn’t closed, which meant that he was probably right. He was worried for nothing. He closed the door behind him and headed inside.

Cemeteries always made him feel uncomfortable. It was too quiet there, and even though it was an open space it always made him feel choked. But all of that didn’t matter now. He needed to make Ed leave that place. He couldn’t just spend the entire day there, and he wished he could make him understand that. Understand that Alphonse’s death was not his fault, and that even though his brother died, he should live on. That it does good to no one that he refuses to live his life, that it means his brother died for nothing.

He already knew the way to the right place by heart, and he walked over there confidently, already imagining the argument with Edward in his head. He’ll try to convince him to let go, to come back with him and have something to eat, and Ed will say that there was no point; that he couldn’t eat when his brother had lost any hope of ever enjoying the taste of food. He’ll argue about being selfish, about not deserving to live; but Roy will push, and Ed will stop seeing the point in arguing and will just come with him. At home he’ll almost force feed him, shower him, get him to sleep… and maybe tomorrow won’t be as bad as today. Tomorrow he’ll do these things on his own, and maybe he won’t storm out again this week. Four days weren’t that long to ask for, right?

By the time he reached the right section of the graveyard it was nearly dark. The skies were mostly dark blue, but in the west a few small, weak rays of light could still be seen, supplying just enough light for him to see where he was going. Enough to see the rather small figure hanging on the grey tombstone, the blond hair stained by orange lines and covering Ed’s face and shoulders. Roy looked at him for a second, relieved to see that he really was there. Now he’d just have to drag him out.

It was only when he took another step forward, or maybe it was the earth turning a little bit more and changing the angle of the light that he noticed the spark of metal on the ground. He narrowed his eyes for a short second, somewhat surprised. There shouldn’t be any metal there. But now that he was thinking about it, Ed’s pose was somewhat off; it looked more like he fell on the stone rather than leaned on it. As if he couldn’t hold himself up. Another somewhat hesitant step forward, and Roy could notice the little pool that gathered at the grave’s bottom. No one could cry that much, and it didn’t take any other clues for Roy to realize what he was actually seeing.

His heart stopped for a moment, a swear choking at his throat. No. There was no way. Ed was grieving…. But he wasn’t stupid. He wasn’t alone, despite it all. Roy was always there for him… was he? He thought he was but maybe he was doing the wrong things all along and…

It took him only a second to gather himself and do what he had to do. “No…” he muttered, continuously doing so as he sprinted towards him. It took him seconds to close the distance and once he was there he fell on his knees next to Ed’s still body. His eyes stung and his sight was blurry with tears, but he couldn’t care less. He reached with one hand to hold Ed’s body, holding him up and close, and the other to hold his loose hand. It was limp in his hold, like a doll’s arm. He could feel the coarse texture of dried blood, but it was still a little warm and he was pretty sure he still felt some wetness, too. That was a good sign.

“You idiot…” he muttered, letting go of his hand and ignoring the way it just fell back to the ground. He brought his hand to Ed’s neck, his thumb pressing in search for a pulse. For a short moment he was terrified; Ed wasn’t moving, and he couldn’t find the vein that was supposed to beat. He could see nothing by now, his tears blocking his eyesight, but it didn’t matter. If he couldn’t find a pulse then nothing mattered, he was too naïve, he was too late.

Roy almost gave up when suddenly he could feel movement under his thumb. It was weak, but it was a pulse. He still had time; he couldn’t waste it on crying. He picked Ed’s limp body up, and stood up. His clothes will probably get messed with blood, but he wasn’t even thinking about that. Ed was heavy; the weight of his metallic arm and leg has always been a burden, but it seemed that today it didn’t matter. Roy adjusted his hold, looking down at the young man in his arms. His eyes were close, and the dried tears were visible on his face.

“Just hang in there,” Roy found himself saying. It didn’t matter that Ed probably couldn’t hear him; he needed to say that, and he hoped that Ed would listen. He didn’t waste another second and he started advancing back towards the gate, going as fast as he could without risking falling – or worse, dropping Ed. He still could barely see where he was going, and it was getting darker by the second, but by some miracle he didn’t slip on anything and they both made it to the car.

He lowered Ed to the ground, supporting him with one hand as he was searching with the others for the keys and opening the door. Once the door was open he tucked Ed in the seat, putting the seatbelt around his body before closing the door and rushing to the other side of the car.

Once they were both in, Roy started the car and started driving from there. He hit the gas pedal, this time ignoring completely the condition of the road. His car could get ruined for all he cared. He could get a new one. He couldn’t get a new Ed.

He kept glancing at the unconscious man in the seat, pleading him to hang on, to stay there, to not leave him alone. He was holding his hand with his, driving only with one hand. It was risky, but he had to hold on him, to keep feeling his pulse, as weak as it was.

Because one he’d stop feeling it, it would all be lost.

Little by little, the heavy veil of darkness was lifted off of him. The world was pulling him back, and along with his consciousness the pain and sorrow were coming back. He didn’t want it. He didn’t want any of it. All he wished was for the numbness to come back, so he could feel nothing; but it seemed that someone had different ideas for him.

He could feel it, the drug that was running through his veins, keeping him from falling back into the blessed sleep. Induced wakeness he wished would go away. Little by little he became aware of where he was. The hard, uncomfortable bed under him that felt oddly familiar, the too bright light that penetrated his closed eyelids, the sickening scent that filled his nostrils. He knew exactly where he was.

A goddamned hospital.

He planned on going back to sleep, or, at least, pretend to do so; anything but being forced to acknowledge the world. But he somehow ended up making a movement, that caused something to hurt, and he couldn’t help a choked groan from escaping his throat.

Immediately he became aware of something more. Someone was holding his hand. When he made that noise, he could feel the twitch of warm fingers against his skin. He had a fairly good idea who it was, and he knew that the same person brought him here, depriving him of his blissful forgetfulness. He knew he probably did it because he cared, but he still held grudge against him for doing that.

“Ed…” he heard the soft, hoarse voice he knew all too well almost whispering his name. It was apparent that Roy had cried. He probably didn’t sleep in God knows how long. Ed had no idea how long he was unconscious. He couldn’t control his features as he felt the older man’s hand tightening a little against his, very present yet gentle, as if he was afraid it would hurt. “Ed… wake up…”

Edward could hear the painful plead in Roy’s voice, and no matter how mad he was at him, how mad he was at himself, he couldn’t bring himself to keep ignoring him. Slowly, he opened his eyes, blinking at the fluorescent light that hit him. “Why?” he asked, not surprised at all that his voice could barely be heard, small and silent and choked.

He felt the hold on his hand tightening a little bit for a short second before loosening again. “Why what?” Roy asked him, his voice a mixture of emotions; Ed could hear utmost relief, but also hurt and confusion. Ed swallowed, closing his eyes again.

“Why did you bring me here?” he asked again. He knew it would hurt Roy, but he was not in a state to care. He’d made his choice, he had his reasons, it was his body, his life, his decision. “You had no right –“

“To save you?” it wasn’t the pain that made that simple question hurt so much, but the anger that hid in the words. Ed couldn’t help but open his eyes again, turning his head to look at his lover. Roy was looking straight at him. His face was pale, and dark circles surrounded his eyes. He really didn’t sleep for days. For the first time since he woke up, Ed felt guilt. Roy didn’t deserve what he was doing to him. “Did you expect me to just leave you there? To let you bleed to death?”

Ed swallowed again, and looked away. “Yes. It’s my life.”

“It is. But I know… I know it’s hard. I know it’s been hard for a year now, but I never knew you as the kind who’d just give up.”

“I’ve always been, I just always had Al –“ he chocked, but he forced himself to keep talking. “-there with me, to force me forward. Now… now he’s gone. Because of me. And nothing can bring him back. So what’s the point in me staying?”

“Because I need you here.”

Ed turned his head again. Roy still didn’t lower his eyes, but he could see the redness around his eyes that signed he’d soon lose the battle against his tears. If he was even bothering to fight it now. It hurt to see Roy like that; hurt to know he was the cause of it. When he went to Al’s grave and knew what he was about to do, he believed that Roy would get over him. It would hurt, he knew that, he wasn’t an idiot – but he was nothing in Roy’s life. Roy could find himself new lovers, new life, and he’d move on and eventually, even if he won’t forget him, he’d forgive him. He’d understand.

But right now, Roy’s face showed none of it.

He felt the hold on his hand tighten again. “I mean it. I need you here with me. And I need you to know that I’m here for everything you need, and if you need to yell so yell at someone, yell at me, and if you need to hit something, then hit me, I don’t care if you throw things at me or threaten at me or beat me… but don’t leave me. Please. Not like that.”

For the first time since he woke up, Ed saw Roy lowering his face. He could see the tear that fell from his eye, even though his dark hair – that was always so perfectly arranged, but now was greasy and messy – covered his face. Ed felt the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes too, and suddenly he realized what a fool he’d been.

He wasn’t doing Roy a favor by leaving him like this. He was doing to him what he’d done to himself, making him go through what he’d gone through when the armor rejected Alphonse’s soul without letting it come back. He was just making it worse.

He moved his hand, lightly closing his fingers on Roy’s hand. It hurt to move his hand, the bandages that covered it too tight to enable him to move his wrist freely, but it didn’t matter.

He was being selfish. Selfish and horrible, and Roy didn’t deserve it.

He still didn’t want to live, but he wasn’t going to make Roy go through what he did. He tightened his hold a little bit more on Roy’s hand, now holding on it. For now, he was going to keep enduring it, no matter how hard it was going to be. For Roy’s sake.

At least until he was sure he could let go.

It was a nice, warm autumn afternoon. Cool breeze was blowing through his hair, that even though wasn’t as long as it was when he was a teenager anymore was still rather long for a man. It blew into his eyes, making them go a little bit dry, but he didn’t care. In one hand he was holding a flower bouquet, that when he purchased it made him think about how Alphonse would’ve laughed at him if he saw him now. Ed never bought flowers; not even for Winry’s birthdays, and on the single time that Roy tried to give him flowers he threw a fit at it, blaming him that he was treating him like a girl. Ed remember Alphonse’s laugh that day, and the way he tried to convince him to forgive Roy and just go on a date with him, like he promised, and Ed agreed.

He squeezed the hand he was holding in his other hand as he thought of that. It was thanks to Al that they were together, and it was thanks to Roy that Ed was still there. He made him fight for living when he was ready to give up – no, when he already gave up. It took long time, but he eventually realized that it wasn’t his fault. That it was simply impossible to prevent everything that’d happened from happening. They were young and stupid when they tried to bring their mother back, but no one could blame them. There was no one to truly tell them that it was impossible, to tell them what the consequences were, and they couldn’t know what would happen. And after that, it wasn’t Ed’s fault for not being able to get Alphonse’s body back. It was simply impossible, and he tried so hard even when knowing the odds were against him.

It was Roy who made Ed realize that, and it was Roy who made him understand that Alphonse would’ve never forgiven him had he succeeded that day four years ago. At first he lived for Roy, so he won’t have to suffer, then he learned to live for his brother, so his death wouldn’t be for nothing. It took him long time to start living for himself, but he eventually realized that that was the only right thing to do.

Something pulled on his shirt, tearing Ed from his thoughts. He glanced down, and smiled at the big, golden eyes that looked at him.

“Papa, uncle Al’s waiting, why won’t you give him his flowers?” the two year old child asked, his childish, almost impossible to understand tone somewhat blaming. He was Ed’s child, that Roy convinced him he should have despite being together with him. The Elric family line should continue, he said, even if it meant slight discomfort by being forced to be with other people. Fortunately enough, Winry was there to agree with him, claiming that it really was true and that she didn’t mind at all to be of help. It was very strange, but Ed couldn’t be happier that it happened that way.

He could feel Roy’s hand tightening around his. “You’re completely right, Philip,” he replied. “Would you like to give him his flowers? I’m sure he’d love it.”

Philip smiled broadly. His blond hair moved as he was fiercely nodding, and he rose on his toes as he was reaching up to Ed’s hand. Ed handed him the bouquet, watching him toddling to the tombstone and placing the flowers there. He was telling Alphonse’s grave that everyone loved him very much, and that even though he’d never met him one day they’ll meet in heaven and he was sure that they’ll have the best time there.

Roy moved his hand, placing it under Ed’s chin to make him look at him. Ed didn’t want so much to tear his gaze from his kid, but followed anyway. “I told you he’d be alright,” he said, smiling softly at him.

“Yeah, I know you did,” Ed replied, and gave another squeeze at Roy’s hand before he looked at Phillip again. Now he was telling Al about his birthday cake that Papa Roy baked for him a month ago, and that he wished he could taste it too because even though he had no idea what kinds of cakes Uncle Al liked, nobody can say no to chocolate cakes. “You were right.” He moved, leaning a little bit on Roy’s body, placing his head on his shoulder. “I love you.”

He could feel Roy moving, and placing a kiss on the top of his head. “I love you too. I’m happy that you’re here, and fine. I’m sure that Alphonse’s happy about it, too.”

“Yeah,” Ed agreed, still smiling as he looked at his child still talking to the tombstone. “Who would’ve thought that I’d be the one getting kids, or standing here with you, out of all people.”

Roy chuckled, the air from his mouth tickling Ed’s forehead. “Yes, who would’ve thought?” he repeated Ed’s question, and put his arm around him, pulling him a little closer.

#RoyEd gift exchange 2017 #sweetnessnarose #fullmetal alchemist #fma #royed #edroy #fanfiction #warning:suicide attempt #angst with happy ending

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