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⋆。𖦹˚.★ 🦄 intro post ( ˶°ㅁ°) !! ᯓ★
★ . . . haaiii!!! call me WINONA or BASIL (they/kit/pup+) welcome to my sillay little corner of the internet ^__^ /e wave
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Samurai film reviews part 3 (spoilers)
Six String Samurai - Loosely based on a novel called The Stand by an obscure writer named Steve King. This movie depicts what could happen when too many retards survive the apocalypse (in whatever form it takes, in this case nukuler). The Dark Man is played by zombie Elvis. Mother A is a hooker with a heart of gold. The main protagonist is a retard with a guitar and a sword who somehow despite his shortcomings manages to kick ass and spill guts with honor. So, they call him a “Samurai” even though he never has to eat millet.
Samurai Trilogy 1 - Historical drama about some forgotten dingus named Musashi something. Washed out colors, no vibrancy, cheap tricks like fog, dark shots. Boring philosophy and commentary on war. MILFs but not really many retards. He did have to eat some millet, so points for that. Couldn’t watch the whole thing. No inclination to watch parts 2 and 3. Probably more of the same.
The Twightly Samurai - This is your mom’s samurai flick. The main character is a handsome single dad who works as an accountant at the castle. He used to be a samurai but he sold his sword because, you know, guns. He spends his days counting beans—green beans, red beans, soy beans, all the beans. There’s no action, one retard, one hot chick and no ninjas. Boh-ring themes of pointless loyalty, duty, exploitation and oppression yada yada ya. He struggles to stay groomed while raising two daughters until he meets a young divorcee. They live happily ever after for three years, then he is ironically killed by a bullet in a pointless war.*
Sword of Doom - I’ll never get those two hours back. Typical Orson Wells flick about a crazy motherfurker who gets an evil mind and kills everything in sight. I mean everything, old men, ladies, furniture, drapes—holy cow. It’s much easier to watch the anime remake Scooby-Doo and the Samurai Sword. Not so much killing, but you do get ninja robots, shuriken, a lady sensei, force powers, force ghost, the usual hot chicks and morons, and of course Scooby-Doo ending, but it comes in the middle of the show. Go figure.
Ugetsu - “One of the most beautiful films ever made.” they said. Pffft! That’s another hour-and-a-half I’ll want back on my death bed. This movie is so French, I’m surprised there wasn’t more smoking. Waa, waa, life is all sucky illusion.
Namakura Gatana (The Dull Sword^) - When a man gets to a certain age, he reaches a square figure. That is, his pants size is 34x34 for example, not picking anyone in particular. This means my, err his cross-section cut would be his inseam over Pi. It helps to think of it visually. I know, it’s gross to think about your cross-section visually.
Star Wars SC 38 Reimagined^ - A documentary about the greatest sword fight that ever was. The duel is fought between the champions of two armies. It has everything—cutting, slashing, stabbing, punching, kicking, force pushing, dudes catching fire. It’s a bit long, but worth the payoff in the end to see the evil villain get justice right thru his cross-section.
Romeo + Juliet - This timeless tale of star-cross'd lovers from opposing clans takes place in a modern, but fantastical Verona Beach, CA. The knight/soldiers of each house all have unique sword/guns. They are constantly showing off and looking lovingly on their sword/guns and even name them. Soon, just as you’d expect (duh) sword/gunplay breaks out instigated by thumb biting. But, eventually the lovers hook up and live happily ever after …NOT! Spoiler alert: they all die.
One Cut of the Dead - See what they did there? The producers were too cheap to pay for an editor, so they just kept the camera rolling. They film the actors and crew whether or not they are acting. It gets real confusing, real fast. Lots of good Samurai sh!t tho--blood, guts, severed limbs, gore, puke, creepy locations, drunken retards, hot chicks, etc etc.
Footnotes
*See there’s the difference between irony and satire. Irony is created by the situation. Whereas, you have to work really hard yourself to create satire.
^video on Wikipedia
^video on Youtube
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