#waiting for rock artist Namjoon with baited breath | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bantansworld · 2 years ago

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Double Platinum || DadKNJ Part 1

➜ Summary: “ I'm just trying to look out for your best interest! Because what if you end up making a stupid mistake that'll cost you your whole career!"

" A stupid mistake? You mean like me? That is why you decided to leave me, right? Because I was a stupid mistake that could have costed you your whole career?"

➜ Pairing: Unspecified for now

➜ Genre: Daughter given up for adoption, Becoming an Idol, Harshness of the idol industry, Namjoon reconnecting with his daughter, journey to forgive, messy one sided beef with other group

Warnings: Adpotion, giving up child, Heartbreak, implied racism, strict dieting, controlling career, abusive manager, abuse, being singled out, harsh social media comments, depression, profanity, idol life, learning to forgive

➜ Word count: 3,836

-- { Namjoon's POV } --

" Are you serious? Ok ok. I'll be there as soon as I can. The meeting is almost over, just give me about 30 minutes. Ok. Alright. I'll see you soon babe." I said as I hung up the phone.

I sat back in the chair, running my hand over my face as a sigh escaped me. The stress was beginning to get to me, creeping up on me every time I start to let my guard down. Yet stress was something that I had to fight back against at this moment, I couldn't let it over take me at such a pivotal time in my life.

" Namjoon-ah." I heard Hoseok's voice mumble out next to me.

I raised my head slightly, peeking over at him.

" mmh?" I questioned.

" Are you alright? You look like something bad just happened." He asked me. I could see the worry in his eyes, and that was something that I didn't need at the moment. The only thing he should be worried about right now is if Bang PD-nim would sign us or not.

" Everything's fine Hoseok-ah. Don't worry." I reassured him.

" Put on your game face. Here they come." Yoongi hyung spoke up, making us look over and seeing the shadows of Bang PD-nim and his advisers walking back to the room through the frosted glass window.

I sat up straight in my seat, mentally wiping the stress from my face as the door open and the group of men walked in.

Hoseok, Yoongi-hyung, and I all stood up, bowing our respects to the men before we sat back down in our seats.

The men all sat around the table, with Bang PD-nim sitting at the head of the table holding a manilla folder that was stuffed with papers. " Alright, so let's get right to the point shall we?" He asked with a soft smile on his face.

The three of us nodded, waiting anxiously for the words he was about to say with baited breaths.

" I want to sign you as artists of Bighit." He started.

I was as stiff as a rock for a few seconds, then the breath that I had been holding was released as my heart had stopped is rapid pounding and started to slow to a normal speed. I swallowed my spit, wetting my dry throat as I could feel my eyes start to water just a bit.

" The three of you together are absolute gold. The music you write, the stories you tell, the messages you have, we love it. And we know that you'll catch attention with your words alone. Your words speak to people, and I know that you will resonate with the young people of today." Bang PD-nim said to us.

We all continued to listen to his words, not sure if we should all say anything at this point or not.

" I won't sit here and sugar coat anything with you. This journey that you three want to embark on isn't going to be a walk in the park. There will be many hardships and you may fall on hard times, but if you keep your ambitions and you work hard, I know that you will achieve greatness." He said, looking each one of us in our eyes as he spoke.

We all nodded once again.

" We have drafted up contracts for you all to sign. You can take them back to your homes, look it over and by the end of the week, have your decision made in weather you truly want to sign or not." He said to us as one of the men got up from his seat with the manilla folder and passed each of us a stack of papers.

" So do any of you have any questions for me?" Bang PD-nim asked us.

" No sir." Yoongi hyung spoke up.

Bang PD-nim nodded his head as he stood from his chair. " Then that will conclude our meeting. I will see you three back in this room Friday eight am sharp." He told us.

" Yes sir." We all said to him as we stood to our feet, bowing to the group of men once again.

They all then turned to make their way out of the room, the door closing with a soft click.

We waited a few seconds to make sure they were all walking away when we all collectively let out a breath of relief. Neither one of us said a word for a full minute.

I guess we all had to take a moment to think to ourselves, to really register the fact that Bang PD-nim said he wanted to sign us.

A smile gradually started to appear on my face. I could no longer try to hold my composure as my eyes started to sting from tears that sprung up in my eyes.

" Yoongi hyung. Hoseok-ah..." I muttered.

" Did he actually say-" Hoseok started.

" Yeah Hoseok, he did." Yoongi hyung answered him, not even needing him to finish his sentence.

We all went back to sitting in silence for another minute. Nothing but our heavy breathing was heard in the room. Then suddenly we all turned to finally look at each other.

I took a good look at my members face. Hoseok's wide smile that resembled a heart was the first thing I saw, followed by the tears that had started to fall down his cheeks. My eyes then moved over to Yoongi hyung, a rare smile graced his face, he had tried to move his eyes around so that the tears wouldn't be as noticeable, but the tears gathering in his eyes were undeniable.

" Guys... we're about to be signed to a company." I said to them.

" Yeah..." Yoongi hyung answers absentmindedly.

I raised my arm, wrapping it around Hoseok's shoulder, then reach over doing the same thing to Yoongi hyung, pulling them into a hug.

" We're really doing this. We're going after the dreams that we've all had for such a long time." I said to them in astonishment. " Yoongi hyung... Hoseok-ah... please promise me, that no matter what life tries to throw our way, we're gonna keep going, and we're gonna make it big." I asked them.

" I promise." Hoseok said immediately.

" I promise." Yoongi hyung said right after him.

" I promise too." I said as well. " We're gonna make it."

" Joon-ah, do you want to come and hang out with Yoongi hyung and I? We're gonna go shoot some hoops for a while, maybe go to the arcade later?" Hoseok asked me as we all waited at the bus stop.

" Umm not today guys, I promised my mom I would clean my room as soon as the meeting was done. And plus I'm a little overwhelmed from today, I'm probably just gonna catch up on some sleep." I told them as my phone buzzed in my pocket again.

I took my phone out of my pocket and saw a notification for a text that I had gotten. I read over it and my heart begin to pound in my chest again, but this time for different reasons.

" Joon-ah, our bus is here, we'll see you soon alright?" Yoongi hyung called out.

" Of course hyung." I replied to him.

They both waved their goodbyes and got onto their bus. I then turned my attention back down to my phone, rereading over the text.

Please hurry Joon. I don't wanna have this baby without you here with me.

I sent a quick text back, letting her know that I was on my way when I looked down the road and saw the bus heading this way.

When the bus stopped in front of me, I quickly pushed myself on to it, paying the bus fare then making my way to the very back of the bus to take my seat.

My mind was preoccupied with so many things right now, I didn't know what to think. The fact that I was gonna become a father scared the absolute shit out of me. No one knew, not my parents, not even Hoseok and Yoongi hyung.

I ran my hands over my face again.

" What am I gonna do..."

I ran through the hospital doors, right up to the front desk. " Umm excuse me. My girlfriend is in labor right now, could you tell me which room she's in please?" I asked the woman.

" What's her name?" She asked me with her brow raised.

" Umm, her name is Jayelle Robinson." I responded to her.

The woman was silently clicking away on her computer, her eyes squinting as she scanned the screen closely looking for the information I needed. " Mhm, she's gonna be in room 613, on the 6th floor." She told me.

I was about to make my way over to the elevator when the woman stopped me and handed me some items.

" She's in active labor so you're gonna have to suit up." She told me.

I nodded my head at the woman, bowing to her as I made my way over to the elevator, repeatedly clicking on the up button. My leg was shaking impatiently as I waited for the elevator to come down, and when it did, I moved out of the way for the people that were coming off, then quickly hopped on, rapidly pressing the button for the 6th floor.

I looked down at the stuff in my hands and quickly put the plastic blue scrubs over my clothes, along with the with the head wrap and the gloves. I had finished putting everything on as soon as the elevator dinged and opened its doors.

I quickly hopped off, and took off down the hallways, scanning each metal door plate, looking for room 613.

609, 610, 611, 612

" Here it is." I muttered to myself.

I put my hand up to knock on the door when my fist froze mid air. I couldn't help the hesitation that came over me. I was scared. I was so scared.

" You're scared? Yeah well what about Jayelle who's in their giving birth to your child alone." A voice deep inside of my mind said to me.

I sighed to myself. I knew the voice was right, but that didn't take away any of the fear and anxiety that I was feeling right now. I took in a deep breath and released it.

I raised my hand and knocked before I opened the door, stepppjng inside and seeing many doctors surrounding Jayelle.

" Sir, you can't be in here-"

Her words were cut off by Jayelle's yell.

" Joon! Namjoon you're here!" She yelled, reaching out for me as tears were sliding down her face. " He's the father! He's ok! He's the father!" She told them.

The doctors moved out of the way and let me through. I quickly went over to her, grabbing her hand into mine.

" Joonie." She cried out. " It hurts so much." She said to me as she sobbed.

I leaned down to peck her lips before I placed my forehead on hers. " Babe I'm so sorry." I said to her, trying to calm her down. " I'm sorry your hurting and I can't do anything to make you feel better. Just- just think about our beautiful baby that's about to come into this world. Our beautiful baby girl." I said to her, stroking her hair and moving the stray curls that fell in front of her face.

" Miss. The baby is almost here. We can see her head, we just need you to give us a few more pushes." One of the nurses said to Jayelle.

" I'm so tired Joon. It hurts so much." She cried out.

" I know baby. I'm sorry." I told her, raising my hand to hold her cheek and wipe her tears away with my thumb. " Just try be strong babe and let's welcome our daughter into the world."

Jayelle was about to respond but grunted out in pain, clutching my hand in hers.

" Push miss. Push!" The nurse told her.

" Push baby. You got this, you can do it." I told her.

She squeezed my hand in hers, and begin pushing as hard as she could, holding her breath as she continued to push.

" She's almost here, at your next contraction, just give me one more big push." The doctor said.

And when that contraction hit, she squeezed my hand again and pushed.

Her teeth were bared and a vein popped up in her forehead as she continued to push, when suddenly she let out loud groan.

The doctor and nurses went rushing about and that's when I heard it. A loud shrieking cry that carried throughout the room.

" Dad, do you want to do the honors of cutting the cord.

I was shocked when I was being addressed. I was hesitant to leave Jayelle's side but I did. I went over to the nurse who held the tool out to me. I took the tool from her hand and put it to the umbilical cord.

" Wait. Can- can you record this for me please?" I asked somebody as I took my phone from my pocket and went to the camera app.

One of the nurses took it from my hand and started recording. I put the tool back over to the umbilical cord and cut it. The nurse handed me back my phone, taking the tool from me as one of the other nurses begin cleaning our baby from all the blood and fluids that covered her.

I made my way back over to Jayelle, leaning down to peck her lips again. " You were so strong baby. I'm so proud of you. I'm so so proud of you for bringing our daughter into this world." I told her.

" I'm so tired Joon." She responded to me. " So so tired. I just wanna sleep for a little bit." She said as her eye begin closing.

I was inclined to letting her get her sleep, I understand that she must have been exhausted from giving birth, but as soon as she begin to close her eyes, the monitor that was next to her bed started to flatline.

I was so confused as I looked down at her. My heart was beating a mile a minute.

" Jayelle? Baby?" I called out to her, shaking her shoulder.

She didn't answer back to me, and as I shook her, her body went limp.

My eyes watered instantly. " Jayelle! Somebody help! Jayelle wake up!" I cried out.

The nurses came rushing over to Jayelle and I, pushing me out of the way.

Everything around me felt as if it suddenly started going in slow motion around me. I couldn't hear anything. It was like I was on the set of some type of soap opera or a drama show, but it wasn't. No matter how much I wished it was.....

It wasn't...

I sat in the hospital room, looking down at the tiny baby that had my finger clutched in her small fist as she drunk from her bottle.

She turned her beautiful gaze up to mine, looking up at me, and my heart clenched in my chest. Her features were so reminiscent of her mother.

I had to choke back a sob as I looked down at her.

" I'm so sorry. Things weren't supposed to be like this baby girl. Your mommy was supposed to be here with us. She wasn't supposed to leave us like this." I said to her as tears fell from my eyes. " I'm so sorry and I hope one day when you're older you'll forgive me baby girl." I said to her, my heart clenching my chest even tighter.

I cut myself off when the doorknob had turned and begin to open. I looked over to the door, not bothering to wipe any tears or snot away from my face.

Three people walked over to me, two women and a man. They all had sympathetic smiles on their faces as they looked at me.

" Namjoon-shi." The woman who stood in front of the couple called out to me. " Are you ready?" She asked me.

That question alone cause another sob to escape my mouth. I turned my eyes down to my daughter who still had her tiny gaze on me and my heart squeezed again.

I didn't want to let her go. I didn't want to give her up. I wanted to keep her and raise her myself, but I knew that I couldn't.

I would rather her be with a loving couple who could give her the proper upbringing. Her having two parent in her life to give her all the love she could want.

I know this is selfish of me, and deep down, I know that another part of why I couldn't keep her is because.... because with me trying to pursue my dreams, I knew that I wasn't gonna be able to be there for her. Signing that contract with Bighit, it wouldn't allow me to look after a newborn child by myself. My parents didn't know about her, my members didn't know, and Bighit definitely didn't know.

I know how this would look as an outsider looking in. I completely understand how selfish this is of me to give up my daughter after just loosing my girlfriend during childbirth a few days ago, all in the name of chasing my dreams. I feel so disgusted with myself as I stare down into the eyes of my baby girl who's looking up at me like I'm the only thing in the world that matters to her, knowing what I was about to do.

I let out another sob as I removed the bottle from her mouth, putting her over my shoulder to burp her. " My babygirl." I sobbed out as tears continued to fall.

" Namjoon-shi." The caseworker called out again.

I turned my teary gaze over to her as I kept patting my daughters back until I heard her let out a loud burp.

" Are you ready?" She asked me softly.

I moved my daughter from over my shoulder and cradled her in my arms. I looked down at her and she looked up at me. " I'm so so sorry baby girl. Please forgive me. Please." I said as I lifted her and kissed her forehead.

I looked up at the three adults in the room. " Can- can I get a picture with her please?" I asked them.

" Of course you can." The caseworker said to me.

I held my daughter in one arm and carefully moved my other arm down to my pocket to get my phone out. I went over to the camera app and handed the woman the phone.

She held the phone up, and I brought my daughter up to my chest and turned her so that he face was facing the camera and smiled a watery smile.

" Thank you." I muttered out as I took my phone back and put it back into my pocket.

My gaze then fell back onto my daughter, I lifted her one more time and gave her a lingering kiss on her forehead. " I love you so much. Please forgive me. I love you with all my heart baby girl." I said to her.

I took a deep breath and released it, walking over to the couple. I gulped as I held my arms out, transferring my daughter from my arms, to the woman's. My baby started wriggling around in my arms, her little mouth pouting up before it begin to quiver. Her loud cries could be heard echoing across the room.

The couple smiled down at my daughter with loving smiles. The woman begin to coo at her and rock her which calmed her down a bit. My heart lurched again. I felt sick to my stomach.

" Thank you. Thank you so much Namjoon-shi. You have no idea how much this means to me. How much you just changed our lives for the better. We will be eternally grateful to you for this blessing in our lives." The woman said to me.

" If there is anything you want us to tell her about you or her mother when she gets older, we'll make sure to tell her when she's old enough. Or if you have anything you want to give her." The man said to me.

His words ran through my mind, then I looked up at him. " Ju-just let her know that I'm sorry, and that I hope one day in her heart that she can forgive me. Let her know that her mother and I loved her with every part of our being and that, that we wished things hadn't turned out this way, but we know that you guys are gonna give her all the love that she deserves." I told him.

The man nodded his head at me.

I took the necklace from around my neck off, looking at it for a second. Jayelle and I had gotten these necklaces made when we found out that she was pregnant. I had gotten the pendant from the necklace that was on Jayelle's necklace and put them together on mine, and now I was about to give it to our daughter.

" I know- I know that you probably wanna name her yourselves, but-"

" No it's alright. Any suggestion you have, we'll take it." The woman said to me, her smile was genuine as she waited patiently for my answer.

" Her mother wanted to name her Jaelah. If you take that into consideration, I would really appreciate it." I said, bowing to the couple.

" Jaelah. It's a lovely name." The woman said, looking down at my daughter.

I stood there not knowing what else to say. All I wanted to do was just go home and cry.

" Well... Namjoon-shi. We just want to thank you again. You gave this blessing to us just when we were about to give up. We are internally grateful." The man said as they both bowed to me.

I bowed back again as they both turned to leave the room.

My hand came up to my chest and clenched where my heart would be. My eyes watered all over again.

" Namjoon-shi. You did the right thing. Taking care of a child at such a young age, especially by yourself would have been so taxing on you. I'm glad you thought about your child's best interest and gave her up to-

I couldn't even let her finish what she was gonna say before I turned and ran out of the room. The couple was waiting outside of the door for the caseworker, but I kept running, if I stopped and looked back at my baby, I would take her back.

I couldn't do that.

So I kept running.

And that was the last time I had ever seen my baby girl.

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iputastickeronmycarrier · 4 years ago

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『𝕊𝕥𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕎𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕐𝕠𝕦』:| chapter 2: 𝘈𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴, 𝘈𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴, 𝘈𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 |

Jungkook X Reader

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Word Count: 3.5k

From busking on the streets to serenades in bars, Y/N has watched them all. A journalist by trade, she spends her most recent nights writing in her journal in the glow of neon signs in hidden places as she scours the city for upcoming artists for her new editorial. The hunt for local artists leads her to the dimmed lighting of a bar where she meets Jeon Jungkook, an alluring singer with a voice that drips with equals amounts of anguish and innocent wonder. In the hushed corners of busy rooms and under cascading gradients of moonlight, Y/N comes back every Tuesday and Friday to see him perform where she discover there may be a more important story unfolding between them that's worth following.

-continuing series-

Follow me on Wattpad

xoxo, Gossip Girl

*Namjoon: I stg Y/N...you better NOT be late. I will *not* wait for you again to watch the new My Hero Academia episode[7:12pm]*

*Namjoon: But, also liiikeeee, love you or ~*whuteva*~”[7:12pm]*

*Namjoon: Oh, can you bring home more of those spicy crackers? :)?[7:14pm]

You roll your eyes as you duck in under the doorway of Stamper’s, already a forearm deep in your backpack as you claw-arm for your journal. It’s busier tonight than it was on Tuesday. There is raucous, drinks pouring, booming laughter and the neon sign is particularly prominent as it sporadically emits bright light in blinks.

A group of people your age are leaned against the wall and each other while playing billiards. The pool table is worn down with a tattered green top from use and the cue sticks are scuffed but when you're drunk enough you can’t tell the difference. Thankfully there is still seating which you take advantage of. With a quick nod to the bartender, you wiggle into a booth and scrawl out “Joon crackers” on the first empty page you have.

A gaggle of girls who are clearly on a bachelorette party bar crawl flit around the room with each other, taking pictures.

“Okay, okay, okay, okay,” a girl starts as she gathers all of the members of what you assume is the bridal party in a semi-circle. She struggles to fix her sash that reads “Maid of Dishonour”. “First of all, Seo-Yeon,” she chokes up, “We just love you so much,” she continues while dabbing under her eyes with a wet napkin that 14 seconds ago had a lukewarm beer bottle sitting on it as the girls around burst in a sea of “aww”s and lean against her lovingly. “I can not believe that you are getting married tomorrow,” she struggles to talk as the one you assume to be the bride, Seo-Yeon (as she is wearing a massive sash that reads “Same Penis Forever”) is fanning her face with what appears to be printer paper size cardboard cutout of a man that has the most intense washboard abs you’ve ever seen in a g-string to keep her tears from smearing her makeup.

“You guys,” Seo-Yeon starts with intermittent sniffling, “are my best friends and you know that just because I’m going to be, like, married, or whatever,” she pauses to flaunt her engagement ring by wiggling her fingers and the girls squeal in excitement, “nothing will change! So...let’s get wasted!” she yells as her bridal party screeches in approval and all lift their drinks. One of her bridesmaids, who wears a sash that reads “Shot Queen”, slams her empty glass on the bar table and digs into the cleavage of her dress, yanking out a small stack of hot pink index cards.

“Alright, bitches!” she yells while waving the cards in the air. “Let’s play Porn or Polish! You all know the deal--I read it and you guess if it’s the name of a nail polish OR,” she takes a deep breath and steadies herself, “the name of a porn film.” They giggle in excitement. “So...My Vampire is Buff? Porn or Polish?” she coyly asks while batting her false eyelashes at each of the girls who are all wide eyed and looking around as if searching into the ether for the answer.

“What do you think? Porn or Polish?” Jungkook questions leaning down into your ear as shudders tingle down your spine. “And what does “Joon crackers” mean?” he asks in a half-hearted snicker. You whip your face in the direction of his voice only to be met with a set of doe eyes that are way too close and make the room spin slightly. You frantically try to compose yourself by breaking eyesight.

“Definitely a porno,” you say with a nervous laugh, looking back at him. Jungkook’s eyes darken as his face turns into a smirk.

“How do you know? You've been watching a lot of porn lately?” he jeers. Your eyes roll back so severely you worry you might detach your retinas. Before you can clapback, he bites his lip and continues, “Let me know when you start to see your brain.” You swat at him as he shrugs his shoulders in laughter and recoils. “Can I sit with you?” he sighs, satisfied with his own sense of humor.

“Yikes...Here’s the problem with that,” you playfully respond with a wry smile, “I’m actually here waiting for someone to conduct an interview with me,” you suck your teeth, “and you’re kind of in the way…so...” Jungkook’s hand flies to his chest with splayed fingers feigning astonishment.

“You know it is so crazy you say that because I’m actually here,” he pauses quizzically as if truly confused, “to be interviewed. Wait… are you Y/N?” he asks in faux confusion. Giving up the facade, he exhales through his nose in amusement and sits himself down across from you.

“Oh, we have jokes today I see,” you flatly respond but a smile plays on your features.

“He looks happy today. I can see it in his eyes,” you observe quietly, wishing you could write it down as the only thing on your blank page is still “Joon crackers”.

“Are you performing today?” you inquire, taking in his visage. He runs his hands through his freshly fluffy locks and surveys the bar as he begins to bite at his lip. Your stomach starts to feel like it’s somersaulting when his eyes light up in animation as he meets gaze.

“A nervous habit,” you mentally jot down.

“Later, yeah,” he responds. “But not yet. Stamper will wait for the Porn and Polish Crew over there to depart to their next spot,” he mutters under his breath as his face contorts into a small smile. “In the meantime, do you want to get a drink?” There is a silent, fuzzing whirr in the expanse of you two like static noise. He’s looking at you with a seemingly innocuous smile but you still catch the intense stare he’s burning into your eyes. You stare back owlishly, flitting over the sharpness of his nose and jawline and the softness of his freckled bottom lip. Is he baiting you? What’s his endgame? What do you have to lose?

“Sure!” you nonchalantly respond. He perks up, surprised by your response and starts to scoot out his seat.

“Requests?”

“Surprise me.” With a cocked eyebrow and an impish grin, he saunters away. As soon as he disappears from your line of sight, you slump down into your seat, face starting to flush with nervousness of what’s to come. You don’t drink often and when you do, you’re a very cheap bar date. You only have a few minutes to compose yourself.

“I need a plan, I need a plan, I need a plan,” your brain skitters around, trying to find a single course of action while all of your anxiety is thrusting down on you and every movement makes your muscles rife with inertia. You suck in a deep breath through your nose and exhale out your mouth and repeat the action several times like Joon taught you in your younger days.

You used to suffer from chronic anxiety attacks. On a semi-frequent basis, Namjoon would find you rocking back and forth in your dark closet, head in your hands as you wailed in continuous waves of grief, hot tears running down your face.

_______________________________________________________________________

“Am I going to die? It feels like I’m dying,” you would cry between gasps for air.

“Of course not, Y/N, but it’s okay if you feel that way. I’m telling you it’s not true but where you are in your head is valid. You know this happens and you’re always okay, right?” He would lovingly whisper as he scooped you into his lap. You would sputter and bury your face into his shirt. “Right?” He would reiterate, gently cupping your face and you would shakily nod your head. “Now breathe, Y/N. We’re going to do it together, okay? Breathe in,” he would start and take a deep breath. You struggled to inhale as your chest labored and shook. “Exhale,” he continued while pushing his breath out his mouth. Repetitiously, you slowly could match his breathing as he continued to rock you in his arms, smoothing down your hair. “It’s okay, Y/N, it’s okay.” As your breathing became more even, save a few quiet hiccups and sniffles, he would take your face into his hands, looking into your puffy eyes. “You know I’ve got you, right? I’ve always got you, yeah?” You would nod and lean into his chest as he continued to cradle you. “Always, Always, Always, ” he’d whisper before pecking a kiss on the top of your head.

_______________________________________________________________________

“I hope you like rum and coke,” Jungkook says cautiously, popping back into focus. He hands you the filled highball as if he’s presenting a peace offering. You concede. “By the way...My Vampire is Buff? Definitely a porno. I had the gift of overhearing the bridal party wrap up their escapade,” he chortles. You both look at each other and giggle as the party surges out the doors and onto the streets. Seo-Yeon’s makeshift fan--the sad cardboard cutout of the washboard abbed g-string wearing man-- is left on the floor. “By the way…”he hums as he slides back into the booth across from you, “I told them to leave that cutout for you because you were really interested in taking it home,” he whispers that dissolves into silky laughter and his bunny-esque teeth are revealed in his grin. Your mouth falls gape with a gasp and you reach out to swipe at him. “Kidding!” he cackles with his hands up in innocence as if trying to plead not guilty.

“Whatever,” You hiss but it contains no ire as you smile. A beat of silence fills the expanse between you as you lock eyes. Pulling his lips through his teeth, he exhales in a small laugh.

“What?” you demand.

“What do you mean ‘what’?” he looks at you with wide, attentive eyes. “I didn’t say anything,” he says, now looking away with a sheepish grin and exposing his face profile for you to take in. The angle of his jawline is so sharp he could cut diamonds with it and it tenses with his smile, making your stomach turn. His sloping neck exposes the honey tinted skin hiding underneath his shirt, black of course. The dark, growing baby hairs peer out from what used to be an undercut and they seem flat against his neck in the summer heat that even the bar cannot help anyone escape. It isn’t until after his gaze zeroes back in on yours that you are thrusted back into existence.

“So…” he starts, drawing out the ‘o’, “Did you bring more questions?” His fingers are clasped on the edge of the table, fiddling them on the surface.

“Oh my god, duh. The entire reason I’m even here. Do you even know how to do your job, Y/N?” You internally groan to yourself.

“Yeah! Actually, I have a few,” you say, flipping to another page in your journal with a master list of questions you ask the artists you interview. You precariously flip past the pages that contain to what an untrained eye appears to be professions of what clearly is a crush. Finally, you thumb your way to the right page and open the journal wide.

You skim over the questions. You didn’t always use the same questions for every person, so with one hand holding the drink he ordered (and she’s a strong drink) and one gripping the a pen, you multitasked between sipping and putting stars next to the questions you were going to ask. As you study the sentences, combing over them to make sure they are the ones you are going to ask, you take a moment to surreptitiously peek at Jungkook, who is keenly watching you. He has one elbow resting on the table with his face cupped into it while the middle finger of the other hand traces slow circles around the smooth mouth of his highball. You swallow hard watching his languid movements and double down on looking at your questions.

You cling to the first question you starred. “What’s your music inspiration?” He leans back, swirling his drink in his hand, enrapt in thought.

“Do you want the interview answer or the real answer…” he muses.

“Can I have both?” you coyly suggest, doing what you think might look like batting your eyelashes as you feel the warmth from the drink starting to hit.

“Nope,” he replies, popping the ‘p’ out and looking at you with a cocked eyebrow. You roll your eyes, flitting your hand over the table.

“Okay, next question, then,” you say in a huff. “Do you sing in the shower?” you ask with a chuckle as the end of your pen finds its way pinched between your front teeth. Jungkook’s breath audibly hitches for the slightest moment before he coughs and takes sips of his drink.

“Who doesn’t?” he asks back, arms out.

“Right? That’s exactly what I say!” You enthusiastically reply, hands flailing up to either side of your head..

“Like...you’d have to be a freak, honestly,” he continues. You guffaw at his joke as in the recesses of your mind you become starkly aware that you are teetering on the dangerous ledge of drunk.

“Okay, okay, okay. Real questions,” you assert as you hitch one leg up on the booth and lean against the wall so you can stretch out your legs. “What’s your creative process?”

As soon as the words leave your mouth, Jungkook’s face goes blank like he was sucked into a vortex. His passive gaze alarms you as you try to self assess if you asked a bad question. The question is the equivalent of lobbing a ball in baseball; it’s always a home run hit. But Jungkook’s face falls, wrought with anguish like he took a heavy blow to the chest. He sighs deeply, looking at you with heavy eyes and just as you are about to skip over the question, Stamper walks up.

“Jk, you ready?” he asks, head nodding to the top of the bar where a small stage is set. Jungkook snaps back to reality, blinks several times as he draws in a deep breath of air, and nods. He wordlessly gets up, giving you a slight glance before walking to the stage.

He takes a seat on the stool, smiling a smile out to the audience that leaves his eyes vacant, lifeless.

“Good evening, everyone,” he says emptily, knowing the audience doesn’t care enough to see through the facade you are witnessing feet from you. “I’m Jeon Jungkook, thank you for being here. I’m actually just singing one song tonight, I hope that’s okay,” he says quietly while adjusting the microphone length to match his height.

The first pangs of the piano keys reverberate through the bar as all other noise vacuums out, leaving only the deep timbres of Jungkook’s voice:

Full of loneliness This garden bloomed Full of thorns I bind myself in this sand castle

The notes hit you like a freight train, ripping you back into sobriety. You can’t help but stare, resting your head on your arms on the table and watching him. He isn’t looking at anyone and you can’t see him, like him, Jungkook. His physical form is singing into the audience but it’s like he is absent.

Where did you go, Jungkook?” you listlessly whisper to yourself, rocked by the strife in front of you. The juxtaposition of the person who is on the stage singing and the boy who just moments ago was bubbling with laughter across from you is gut wrenching. You see a deep rooted wound rising out of Jungkook’s frame and out through his voice. Eyes closed and holding his body together, he painfully echoes out:

Maybe back then A little Just this much If I had the courage to stand before you Would everything be different now I'm crying That’s disappeared That’s fallen Left alone in this sandcastle Looking at this broken mask

He heaves his chest, eyes fully open as the words leave his lips:

And I still want you

The note draws out over the hushed crowd. Jungkook takes a breath and looks into the crowd. He bows his head. “Thank you, thank you so much. I hope to see you all next week,” he says with a small smile that still leaves his eyes void of any signs of life. He steps off the stage, walking right past you and out into the empty street. You scramble after him, rustling things back into your backpack. You give Stamper a look and he waves you on, knowing you will pay for the drinks the next time you see him.

As you stumble onto the street, you whip your head around looking for Jungkook. You catch his form, already a block away, headown and slouched over with his hands in his pockets.

“Jungkook, wait!” You breathlessly call after him. He keeps walking. “What happened?” you try to keep pace with his strides. “Can you talk to me,” you ask in desperation, “please?”

He stops in his tracks, as if he’s waiting for you to catch up. When you reach him you stand in front of his form; he’s shaking and breathing ragged breaths with wild, red rimmed eyes that threaten to swallow you whole if you get too close..

“My creative process?” he chokes out. “My creative process is I can’t stop getting my heart broken,” he blurts out. “I can’t stop myself from creating my own pain,” he stutters. “I’m just a chasm; ravaged,” he yells, arms thrusting out into the air. “And this is the only thing I’m good for. This is the only thing I can do so people actually see me,” he whimpers, swaying to the side of a building as he crumples to his knees, burying his face in his hand and starts heaving deep sobs. It’s just you two, on the empty astoundingly empty street. His tears drown out the whirr of the surrounding neon signs easily.

“How is this the same Jungkook?” you wordlessly ask yourself, with eyes wide starting to sting with small tears.

You recognize this behavior. You recognize this image and silently pray you only do it as well as Namjoon. Your backpack drops to the ground with a thud as you slowly walk to Jungkook’s side and crouch to his level. His shoulders are violently shaking as the wails continue to echo.

“Jungkook? Can I touch you? Do I have your permission?” you whisper, feeling pricks on your skin as you wait with trepidation, unsure of what he will say.

“I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay,” he sputters and continues to rock himself. Your heart contorts and you wipe the corners of your eyes with the back of your hands because you are looking at a reflection of yourself. The way his posture hunches and hyperventilates while tears spill from his eyes, rolling down his cheeks is a feeling you know well.

“We’re going to breathe. I’m not going to touch you but we’re going to breathe together. I know that where you are is such a painful place. I can see you’re in the chasm you talked about and it’s dark. I know what it feels like to be lost in that anguish. It’s paralyzing,” you say in a hushed tone laden with empathy. “But we’re still going to try to breathe. It’s going to be okay because I’ve got you, okay? We’re going to inhale,” you take in a big, deliberately slow breath. “And exhale,” you breathe out through your mouth. He gurgles as he tries to fill his lungs with oxygen which exacerbates his tremors and tears through his chest. “Try again, breathe, Jungkook,” you inhale and hear the smallest intake of breath. “Out through your mouth,” you repeat. He shakily exhales and your heart picks up. “Holy shit, is this working?” you question. “Yes, Jungkook, again,” you lead repetitively as his wails dissolve into quiet hiccups. He finally lifts his head up, eyes bloodshot and face misted from tears. Even in the throes of his pain he is unbelievably beautiful. He rubs the remaining wetness from his eyes and lets out a sigh that allows the remainder of his anxiety to escape his body. He props himself up on his knees and drags his hands through his hair before leaning back to rest against the brick building. “Sorry,” he sniffs, face laden with shame. Your heartstrings tighten to the point of bursting. You want to take him into your arms, cradling his head against your chest, and help carry his heart that feels so heavy. You feel entrenched in his aura with no desire to escape the waves he emits that magnetize you to him. You want to say that he doesn’t need to suffer alone and that shame thrives and festers in the shadows when it can’t be seen by the world and you want to bear witness to all of his facets. You want to take his soft face in your hands and fervently press your lips upon his.

But you don’t.

“It’s okay,” you sigh with a simple smile. “Always, always, always.”

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