#w but hes in a different department and doesnt wesr a name badge)
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okay think im just extra emo bc sick/period/barbie (didnt get to cry properly) but didnt realise how much i miss being queer
#kt talks#this will pass but want a record of it#was speaking to a gay guy at work today (abt heartstopper) and got to relax#like i dont act any differently than i usually do but just Knowing i cant be full queer self (ehich isnt even any different from usual me) h#as apparently taken its toll because literally cried so much after yhe conversation#like not even soeaking about being queer but not having to worry about SEEMING queer#even though i know i do#but also i seemed to have passed the normal test for at least some#and the. i feel bad for going along with it but also youre criticising the person i actually am to my face so you must not think i am like t#hat therefore i will keep it that way so i am safe#and i dont even know why i do it sometimes#like privacy and not wanting to explain myself and also an inability to articulate it all#but also a bit of cowardice and fear#but yeah. just the fact that he clearly Knows. he can see it. and i dont even know his name (this is bad we have spoken quite a few times no#w but hes in a different department and doesnt wesr a name badge)#but the favt that he just said he was gay openly in the canteen….. and felt comfortable enough sround me to say it and discuss queer things.#.. and just. COULD TELL THAT I AM THE SAME.#idk i dont even know if he did feel that way but he must have??? he must have??????#i think he might have been looking for a confirmation#and i hope he got it#i just didnt realise how tense i was about it all until i wasnt#(but also i did know i was tense about it all and know that i cant fix it)#idk. solidairty. feeling seen. back in comfortable territory (i miss being with groups of queer people)#even my group of queer friends at uni i still havent reached that level yet becauss although i KNOW theyre all accepting. the feeling of bei#ng Extra and Specifically queer compared to just normal queer is very stressful#next year i will be more open. this is me declaring that#havent kr talksed in a while but i need there to be proof of this.#BEING QUEER MAKES YOU HAPPY KATIE STOP BEING FRIGHTENED AND ENJOY IT
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