#vvellichorr

[vvellichorr]

Finding home came unexpected, a world I never knew I was missing, a yearning for something I'd never felt.

Then one day, he came into my life, I knew he was coming but I couldn't have anticipated how much he would mean to me, from the instant we met on that soft warm september day.

"Hes cute," I thought to myself, a blush creeping just below my collar. I watched from where I was sprawled on my bike, head resting against the bars and feet kicked up on the passenger seat, as he unloaded his bags and moved, dutifully following him and his dad into their hotel, waiting in the lobby as they got their rooms and put their luggage away.

I smiled as he emerged from the elevator, dad in tow. He grinned at me, an easy grin that shot sparks through a heart I didn't realize was open.

"Alright, lets go." He said, his voice a soft, deep timbre, echoing through my head as I held the door.

His dad got into the backseat without a word, and left the front for me. I did need to give directions, since it was a tour, and so I opened the door and plopped into the seat that would soon enough become a familiar spot.

I watched as he skillfully drove away from the parking lot and my bike, then looked behind me, offering my helmet, which his dad gently took and placed it in a safe spot in the backseat. I thanked him and turned back to the front, gesturing what direction to go just before my eyes drifted to the line of his jaw as he drove, focused on the road and chatting about his trip. My eyes followed his jaw to where it met his tanned neck and down to the chain peeking out from his shirt. I wondered what was on it, and unbeknownst to me, I'd soon spend plenty of time studying the cross that hung around his neck, protective and special, something he never removed. My eyes continued to study him, landing on a stone bracelet on his right wrist. Curiosity sparked within me, but I didn't ask.

I continued giving directions, finding my chest bubbling with laughter at his antics. It felt so easy to laugh with this stranger, and I realized the anxiety I usually struggled with was all but gone.

Soon enough, the tour was over, sooner than I'd like though I'd stretched it as long as I could, showing him every single building he needed to know about for his time here, but after a short two hours he dropped me off at my bike, and in what would soon become a soft, gentle habit, waited for me to put on my gear and drive away before he got out of the car. I wondered then if he was watching me, too, or if this sudden connection was simply my own mind playing tricks on me.

~~~

As the night went by, I found nothing but restless sleep for a racing mind, and in the morning I struggled to get into my uniform and make it on time. As soon as I arrived, flushed from power walking, there he was, lounging in his chair and laughing in that same easy way he had been the day before, a man who didn't seem worried about being liked, although I'd soon come to learn that he was as worried as I was, but he just hid it more easily.

I sat down next to him as he asked me questions, and my heart warmed as that grin was directed at me. He asked for help with some documents, and I diligently watched the monitor as I helped him fill them out, trying to ignore the masculine, woodsy scent coming off of his collar that was inches from my face as I leaned down to look at the screen, and the warmth that radiated from his shoulders into my chest, barely inches apart. I smiled and laughed at his jokes, an easy friendship forming before my eyes.

I sat back into my seat as he finished up the document, and he laughed at a joke someone had made. His laugh reverberated through the room, loud and bold, and I couldn't keep the grin off my face as it rang in my ears.

The pull I felt was immediate, and only reinforced by this easy, friendly interaction. I turned towards a voice asking me questions, the other man who had recently arrived parrotting the same questions the first one had asked, and I answered them just as thoroughly, but without that ease that I felt before, it was simply work this time, and just like before, I assisted filling out the documents required.

Soon enough, the day was done, a day full of laughter and jokes, grins and friendly smacks on the shoulder. I rode home in silence, taking it in. Who would he be in my life? I wondered. It was obvious he would be something, I could tell that much.

But what?

I've walked a long way, yet I'm still searching for a place to call home.

[vvellichorr]

I don't give up.

Until the burning pieces of my devotion are torn from my hands.

And yet, lying there in the dark, I'd still rather watch my devotion burn with my heart.

[vvellichorr]

"I saved you some food" (I'm saying I love you)

"I'm always here for you" (I'm saying I love you)

"We don't have to hangout for me to value you" (I'm saying I love you)

"I love our time when you're sad as much as when you're happy" (I'm saying I love you)

"You're not obligated to spend time with me, I want you to do that willingly" (I'm saying I love you)

"Here's a glass of water cuz you always ask for one when you get here" (I'm saying I love you)

"It will get better and you'll find the 'one', I promise" (I'm saying I love you)

"Remember what you told me about God, and remind yourself of that too" (I'm saying I love you)

"We don't have to go out, I don't mind" (I'm saying I love you)

"You'll get through this" (I'm saying I love you)

"I'll always be just a call away" (I'm saying I love you)

"I love how much we're alike" (I'm saying I love you)

"You make me laugh a lot" (I'm saying I love you)

"Everything is calmer with you" (I'm saying I love you)

"You make the voices go away" (I'm saying I love you)

I love you.

[vvellichorr]

I cry one moment, laugh the next

My heart feels full, then aches in my chest

The duality of life is too complex

For a simple loving creature like me

Why does my heart ache?

Crushing, it feels like being torn apart

And feel like it will surely burst

I don't know how to let it be

Why do I feel so much so often

And then sometimes nothing at all?

Why can't I look in the mirror

Until I'm incapable of looking away?

Why do my hands shake,

Why does my heart ache?

I beg for peace, down on my knees

Too devoted, too desperate

Standing tall for a day...

Shattered to the floor in an hour

Why must I be human?

Why does my heart ache?

Why is it easier to be hated

Than to be truly loved?

Why do I push away, defeated

Hoping for signs from above..

[vvellichorr]

I've never felt like I deserve anyone.

If I did, wouldn't they stay?

If I did, wouldn't they love me?

If they don't stay

If they won't love me,

Doesn't that mean I'm just not worth the trouble?

“You don’t deserve someone who comes back, you deserve someone who never leaves.”

— Unknown

[vvellichorr]

Softness

Is so often lost

In a world like ours

So rest with me

Breathe easy in my embrace

Love yourself the way

I love you

You are

So often lost

In a world like this

So here I stand for you,

I beg, be cherished

Allow yourself to be loved

But do not fall for me

For if you do

I could not

ever

Stop loving you

So don't love me deeply

Unless you plan to stay closeby

I do not ask

To not love me

At all...

But spare my heart

From echos of your loving touch

Keep me held at arms length

If that's what you must do

But please, I beg

Be cherished

If not by my bleeding heart

Then by someone

Who sees your light

Even within the dark

Let them hold you, love

So softly, easing your burdens

Putting those pieces of you

Back into place

The way I never could.

[vvellichorr]

"Isn't it painful?"

"What?"

"To watch the person you want to be with choose others."

"Yeah, it's painful... But I'd rather hide my feelings than risk not being there to pick up theirs if they get hurt."

"Isn't that foolish?"

"Of course it's foolish. But I know their heart bleeds like mine, and its not their fault it doesn't bleed for me like mine does for them."

"So you'll stick around and hope that they someday choose you?"

"Of course I hope they will, but they don't have to choose me for me to love them just the same, and care for them when they need me."

"Why hide how you feel, then?"

"Because it's not their responsibility that I fell for them when I wasn't supposed to."

[vvellichorr]

How do I know I love him, truly?

Because I fantasize more about the night we drank wine and watched a movie after he got his couch delivered than I do NSFW things.

Yes, the soft way his arm had wrapped around my waist was electrifying, but his head in my lap was peaceful, loving, at ease.

Yeah, his hand against the small of my back set every nerve into motion, but what was even better is the feeling of gently playing with his hair while he laid there, hearing his contented and comfortable sighs.

And of course, having such close proximity that I could inhale his intoxicating scent with every breath was addicting, but even better was his little shoulder shimmy asking for more gentle, calming, loving touches.

It's his softness that was the best feeling of them all, his touch electrified me but thats simply because I love how he feels, in all the ways that made me fall in love with him, in the ease in which we came together in that gentle way, loving and blissful and easy.

Oh how I yearn to have that softness back.

[vvellichorr]

"Devote"

My heart echoes the word, aching

"Too late"

My mind replies, unheard, breaking

Devotion runs through me like blazing fire

Burning every inch of my aching flesh

Cascading over me waves of desire

How long can I handle the rush?

Push it back, shove it down

A current too strong to deny

Living like I can't possibly drown

Will I ever again be truly alive?

Your soul and mine have touched

Too many entirely loving times

Every aching breath is not enough

When my heart is no longer mine

[vvellichorr]

Hey there, welcome.

My name is KC,

This is my little slice of poetry and love and heartache, I hope you feel seen and understood here.

Although I hope when it comes to heartbreak/heartache posts, I hope you don't relate.

But if you do, I'm hopeful I can be a source of ease for you all, to know you're never alone in the hurt...

If you want to see what is mine, you can search #vvellichorr or #mine.

If you want to see what I relate to, you can search #not mine.

And if you want to take a peek into my #poetry music playlist, here's the link

https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLOzDcLsa-L8XPxwyMb0QPn7MSEgQHmTcM&si=pETDewo7seSvl33L

Feel free to send submissions of your poetry, anon or not, if you want me to post them.

Just let me know if you want it to be posted as #not mine #(anonymous) or if you want it posted with your name (and of course, still the #not mine tag) somewhere less visible than your own blog, which is totally understandable.

And if you see this, Ger, firstly, how did you find me, my love?

Secondly, I hope you know every post about you is just pure love, even the ones describing pain...

Life hurts sometimes, and yearning hurts worst of all, so please forgive me for yearning so deeply for you, but I simply can't help it.

I love you more than life itself, and having nowhere to express it, it lives here, with my other secrets.

That is all, my friends.

Vvellichorr

[vvellichorr]

I'd give you my last breath

My heart would beat for you

I'd bleed so you could survive

I'll fight off death to see you

Sacrifice myself to prove

I'd live for you

I'd die for you

I'd do anything, it's the truth

I'd find you, I'd love you,

I'll take a thousand knives clean through

My bleeding heart would sigh for you

I'm trying to heal the wounds

Because I'll survive every fight for you

I'll take the pain away

I'll fix everything for you

I'll be here every single day

I'll stay right beside you

A ghost in the dark, alone

I can't let go of you

I'm burnt flesh and bones

[vvellichorr]

I'm just as emotional as I was before

And I'm possibly even more sad

The difference is now I hide it from you

Instead of giving you every broken piece that I have

[vvellichorr]

And just like that...

He didn't take the voices away anymore

He didn't ease the anxiety any longer

Because holding back how I felt

Felt worse than anything

[vvellichorr]

I wonder if the stars we came from

Were perhaps the same one?

[vvellichorr]

Brown

was never my favourite colour

But with you,

I'll learn to

love it.

So much of you,

So many hues,

How could I

ever

ignore it?

Dark brown hair, shimmers softly

in the morning sun

Soft brown eyes,

faint lines

telling a history

of laughter

Faint

near unnoticable freckles,

but I saw them

when your face was so close

and I looked at

golden tanned skin,

so beautiful touching mine

And your old, worn out

cowboy boots,

weathered with time,

Hundreds of steps, I'm sure

I wonder...

If they'll end up

at my door

or better yet

kicked off in front of it

as you walk

inside

to take this place

and make it yours

[vvellichorr]

He is bright, soft summer wind and warm light.

I am darker, stormy autumn nights and a chill that creeps into your bones.

How can I ever imagine his summer and my autumn would be capable of love?

He is before me, my shining protector.

I am after him, his chaos in the storm.

He will never love my storms and icy rain, and I cannot love a sun that hurts my eyes and burns my skin.

And yet, I would bask in sunlight if only to see him smile.

I would burn and burn just to watch him thrive.

The sun makes his life, and the rain makes mine.