#vs kim who desperately wants to be more than a tool to his brothers

[snickerdoodlles]

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😂😘.

a few weeks ago i was having some Thoughts in DMs about Vegas and Kim and their different relationships with violence, so.

Vegas doesn't enjoy violence for violence's sake. he enjoys holding power or control over another person, and sometimes he uses violence as a means of doing that, but he relishes in holding social and sexual power/control over others in the same way. this is also why he lashes out so badly under the strain of being used by the main family (and his father). he knows he can be useful to the family in a million ways besides violence, but he thinks the families only value him as a weapon or tool of violence, and he hates it.

this contrasts to Kim who seems to genuinely enjoy violence. his skills in hand-to-hand combat go further than just learning for self-defense and rather than sneakily shoot down the six guys who go after Chay, he eggs them into a fight and doesn't kill them until after he's beat them up. but he can enjoy it in these moments because his violence is personal, not business, and i think he'd spiral worse than Vegas if he were forced to be violent on someone else's (Korn's) orders (which is why it's such a fun situation to push him into 😈). i think part of why he latched so hard onto investigating Korn (especially by way of investigating Chay in a friendly role vs a threatening one) is because Kim knows he can leave the family and have value as a musician/student/friend/etc, but he doesn't think he has any other use in his family except violence and he desperately wants to be something else (for himself, but also v much for his brothers).

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[snickerdoodlles]

headcanons behind the fic: Kim's view on Wik in long & short

His Wik persona is just another mask, something shiny under a spotlight so that people watch it instead of him. It gives them something to love so he can pretend his little fantasy world is real, just for a little bit, but it's not fully him. Kim does not like people noticing him, career choices aside.

this actually isn't quite true. Kim's not lying, but he is struggling to put his feelings into words.

because Kim loves Wik. Wik isn't just an escape for him, Wik is who Kim wants to be. "the side of me I like best" except that side of him is the home he's been meticulously handcrafting and building for years into everything he desperately yearns to hold.

but Kim also seems to carry a lot of guilt over Wik, because Kim feels that he needs to give up his brothers to achieve his dream of Wik (see, his introduction speech). I think Kim's dream doesn't feel achieved or even fully real to him yet either because he hasn't truly given up his brothers (see, his motivation behind digging into Porsche). Kim sees Wik as a fantasy because he wants it so desperately, but Kim doesn't think he deserves the things he wants and he struggles to reconcile having Wik while also being involved in the mafia.

and then, on top of alllll that, I see Kim always having a bit of a weird relationship with the spotlight. on one side, he's a private person and I see him as having a lot of emotional baggage from the way Korn treats people as things (Korn raised his sons to fulfill roles, not be their own people). not to mention, social media by definition is a mask and I see Kim feeling that schism more acutely than the average socmed user because he masks so much for other (unsavory) purposes irl. but on the flip side, Kim desperately wants to be seen as a person not a tool or role. for all his inclinations to tuck away his vulnerable sides where they're hidden away from all, creative expression is putting out your vulnerabilities for others to see and feel and anyone looking on these soft spots and caring blows his mind in every way he craves. I think Kim loves using music to express himself, loves the ambiguity of how he puts himself out there through his creativity, and even likes that he does have a persona where he can express some of these things a little more directly, yet also struggles to reconcile it as a real part of him and shies away from the directness & closeness socmed provides.

(Chay is like, tailor made to reach into Kim's ribcage and shake. Chay's extreme knowledge on his music videos is someone choosing to put his art under a microscope out of love, his giggly happiness for just a signature and some words of encouragement even after Kim turned down his tutoring request (!!!!) probably had Kim poking his fingers together and smiling through the rest of the night, and then Chay has to go and say earnest and kind things like "i like all sides of you" and "you inspire me" their first proper meeting too boot. Chay looked at Wik (Kim) and saw someone worth being inspired by and Wik (he) impacted Chay's life in a good way. how was Kim ever expected to survive this?)

so, wrapping this thought up: Kim has a lot of jumbled feelings about Wik as a social media presence due to the cognitive dissonance of who you are as a person vs an online persona-- which can jumble up anyone even before we add in Kim's own reservedness or the tower of elephants that's the mafia-- but he loves Wik and desperately wants to be seen as a person by (everyone) those around him.