#volunteering experiences but it is just nasty and disgusting for you to actually say anything abt being physically unhealthy

[elfdyke]

HAHA OK UM. ivy exposition time hehe… come read my thoughts i put down in text for you all to read about what i perceive this fictional woman’s backstory to be (this is a lil more cohesive than my harley one but. YEA)

smal cw for VERY brief mentions of abuse (ivys dad + the joker r mentioned)

Ivy grew up in an emotionally vacant house. Her father was very emotionally abusive + occasionally physically. Her mother was hardly around. This caused her to have to take on a lot of responsibility for herself and basically grow up way sooner than she should have

She put a lot of effort into her schoolwork. She had a very caring and helpful science (either biology or environmental science) teacher, she nurtured Ivy’s love of botany

She got a scholarship to acclaimed college and essentially got a free ride? she worked on the side to pay for any spare expenses.

Woodrue was one of her teachers, he was academically lauded for his work in botany but hadn’t been very relevant in the recent scientific discoveries, essentially he was a big shot who got kind of washed up, but Ivy had studied his research extensively and found him incredibly inspiring.

They end up fostering a very intense relationship STRICTLY focused on their scientific research. (SHES LESBIAN.) They’re trying to prove a hypothesis Ivy’s presented about idfk.. accelerating plant growth. Harnessing toxins certain plants create for their healing properties…IDK I DON’T KNOW SCIENCE <3</p>

Their entire work relationship and all the shit they do feels like going 120 mph down a road the wrong way and she loves it. This is truly the first time she’s had full control over her own life and has someone who actually (as she believes) sees her as an equal and recognizes her intellect.

They end up escalating things because they’re both so desperate to prove Ivy’s hypothesis, and Ivy volunteers her own body for them to test their work on. She refuses Woodrue’s offer because its her theory, so she should be the one to suffer if things go wrong…

WHICH THEY DO. Shit goes sideways and Ivy experiences adverse reactions which cause her to become bed stricken (she refuses to go to the hospital because she’s afraid that the toxins could be extremely dangerous, and doesn’t want anyone to suffer because of her science).

She also tells Woodrue to keep his distance, because she wants him to be safe from it too, and he essentially just ghosts her. She’s upset about it but first blames herself because she feels like she’s done nothing but prove everyone right about what a failure she is.

She starts noticing changes affecting her, and its all kinds of fucked up. I can elaborate on this later <3. But essentially her physiology starts warping due to the green encompassing her, growing up from her hands and feet. I think the green parts of her body are cool to the touch, have a plant like texture, and MAYBE? Have plant cell structure ingrained in them vs animal cells.</p>

Also, the green initially starts slowly spreading up her body but she’s able to halt its progression, in order to lose herself completely (think of the kinda deal in annihilation, instead of sexy green plant lady ivy).

She catches wind that Woodrue had HER research published and is taking full credit for her hypothesis, without naming her whatsoever, and it essentially breaks any semblance of humanity she had left.

At this point she’s kind of crazy powerful and can control plantlife as we all know and love <3 She figures out that Woodrue is having a conference where he’s holding some kind of really important lecture on ‘his’ hypothesis, and plans to unmask his deceit in front of the entire scientific community. </p>

She also discovers that he’s warped her discovery from something she wanted to benefit humanity and the environment, to something to gain profit from, essentially going against everything she believed in.

She bursts into the conference and when she sees Woodrue, she essentially blacks out and next thing she knows she’s essentially pulled a Carrie…. NOT EVERYONE DIES!!!! But its brutal and fucked up and she 100% absolutely slaughters Woodrue and makes an example out of him. This is the point in her story where she officially loses any chance she had of her past life as Doctor Pamela Isley.

She uses his desecrated corpse to warn everyone in Gotham, in the world, that the green has woken and will no longer stand by and be desecrated by humanity.

Ivy does a lot of work trying to collapse industries that harm the environment across the world for a while but it’s also hard for her to much alone, and she almost gets bested a few times @_@ She’s absolutely a formidable threat, but she’s also one person with a massive weakness to fire

She ends up slinking back to Gotham to recover after a particularly nasty encounter

Something abhorrent happening in Gotham catches her eye and she can’t stop herself from making an appearance and attempts to wreak havoc before ultimately getting caught and shipped to Arkham for her “extremist beliefs”

Dr Harleen Quinzel is paired with her for weekly meetings.

Harley realizes very quickly Ivy is most certainly Not insane and repeatedly tries to get it appealed, but no one will listen to her. (Ivy was locked up in Arkham specifically bc of her environmental activism/terrorism)

Ivy’s very snide at Harley at first, looking down on her for being so bright eyed and bushy tailed about everything. She’s very much bitter about how she’s repeatedly been wronged, and always cast as a villain despite her believing she’s doing what she can to save the earth.

Ivy and Harley argue about if women can ever achieve anything in this world, the way its built. Harley says she’s sad ivy feels that way but knows she’s going to make a difference. She’s different and she’ll change things.

Ivy doesn’t entirely believe her but seeing someone so downright full of life and hope really does spark something in Ivy that never really dies down.

Eventually Harley gets reassigned and taken off Ivy’s case. They didn’t have a lot of time together but I think that Harley makes a worthy impact on Ivy. This is also before Harley has interacted much, if at all with the Joker

Time passes, Joker’s manipulation ensues, Harleen becomes Harley.

Ivy sees Harley Quinn during a run in with the Joker but doesn’t recognize her at first.

Until she speaks.

Ivy gets hit with a wave of nausea upon realizing how Harley’s fallen from the proud and bright girl who was sitting across from her in Arkham.

After that she uses the green to try and keep tabs on Harley and one night after a particularly bad beating, Joker kicks Harley out and Ivy manages to swoop in and rescue her from near death.

ALSO, IMPORTANT! Ivy struggles a lot with her disgust toward humanity vs her desire to protect Harley. It’s the reason it takes her a while to actively seek a hurt and broken Harley out and rescue her. (she resents herself a lot for not acting sooner, when she realizes how extensive Harley’s injuries are)

TOSSING THIS HERE . about Ivy’s sexuality. I can’t see her ever really opening herself up to any romantic relationships any time during her school life. She’s very driven and focused on her studies and her research. She never really gave her attraction to anyone much thought, so I think that she just expected she would never feel attracted to anyone? Until she meets Harley. I think that meeting Harley kind of opens her eyes like. Wait I can feel this? I deserve this kind of love? With a woman?… she has to work through some shit but she is a big lesbian in love with her weird little clown girlfriend

um i think thats all hehe…. i have more but i kinda wana write a fic about harls and ivy getting together from my interpretation so…… TUNE IN NEXT TIME <3</p>

[sht-ccshippers-say]

So since the tinhats have to follow each other with everything, kfs has followed Abby with their own essay response to the same anon ask. So time for another tinhat breakdown!

I was going to respond to an ask and reply found on @ajw720 blog (reblogged below), however, I thought I would do so as a post. 

Both the ask and the reply are brilliant and state the facts as we CCer’s believe. 

Just because CrissColfer shippers believe something does not make it a fact. A fact is something that is proven to be true. Nothing tinhats say can be proven. It is opinion and conjecture.

I found this transaction had a peacefulness to it which stimulated thought. To me this is what supporting D & C is all about.  The words are sincere and non-inflammatory while stating personal opinion. This is how, in my view, asks and replies should be – sticking to the facts as we know it, while trying keeping emotion out of it.

When have tinhats ever kept emotion out of anything? If you were keeping emotion out of it, you would not be so angered by the mere presence of a woman who has never done anything to you.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I know keeping emotions out of things is hard. We are all human after all. The question is, how do express them? Negatively or positively?

I have been advised by several CCer’s to ignore what many call ‘hate”, but I prefer to call it negative emotion. These types of emotions are often meant to provoke or will provoke an equal response. To be perfectly honesty, there are many of our posts which, I believe, impact us CCer’s in an adverse fashion. In my opinion, these emotionally charged replies or independent posts makes us look bad.

“I prefer to call it negative emotion”....is this tinhat trying to gaslight their own fandom? Is this what is happening here?

And FYI, every single Tinhat/ CrissColfer post makes you all look bad. Because every single one stems from hate and is based in insults.

That said, I have to admit, I found what I call CCland through a nasty tweet from M directed at @ajw720. 

Does anybody have any idea which tweet they might be referring to here? I haven’t heard this fabricated story from tinhats before. Seriously, Abby would be screaming about this 24/7, if Mia had tweeted her. Unless, of course, Mia was responding to something disgusting Abby had said. Also doesn't Abby constantly scream not to contact the “players” directly? This story here does not add up- like everything else in CC Fantasy land.

I do no know if @awj720 responded to that tweet, nor do I know what M was responding to (therefore you were making assumptions on something that you did not have all the information about)  however, it captured my interest. Such word (M’s) tend to be defensive and defensive people usually have something to hide. <---- This here is exactly gaslighting.

 I searched for @awj720 and what I found gave me reason to stop doubting what I thought about D’s sexuality and his love for C. 

You found other people willing to validate your fantasies without any actual proof. 

I have been involved long enough to see what is being said on the many sides of the CC discussion. Those who oppose us, call us ‘haters’ and we call them ‘haters’. They sprout nastiness and we sprout nastiness. Lately I have been considering my place in this fandom. A few weeks ago, I posted about ‘Hate’ and I found it disturbing how some in this fandom allow their ‘hate’ of one person or a group of people influenced their responses and posts. Hate is a negative emotion which consumes and blinds. As a Buddhist it is an emotion which clouds the minds to bigger and better things.

If you are so opposed to hate, then why do you engage with people and blogs who do nothing but hate?

We state we are here to support D & C. What is support?

But you are not actually supporting them in any way, unless we are talking financially when you purchase tickets, books etc. You are sustaining them in any way, or bolstering them or assisting them, because you are not a part of their life.

When I look at this list of words, I do not see negativity. I see positive. In my experience, I have found that negative emotion tends to breed two things: 1) usually negative emotion, 2) and, perhaps later, compassion. Positive emotion has a habit of breeding positive emotion. Anything that is negative can be made positive with careful thought and craftsmanship of words and deeds. It only takes one rash action to take something positive and make it negative. Reaction with emotion is easy but turning it into something positive can be difficult.

Let’s just add lots of words, when only a few would suffice, to make me sound like I know what I’m talking about.

Seriously, how long is this post?

Trashing a bar because of who owns it or ripping at what one person or photoshopping trashcans on someone’s face does not paint a good picture of us CCer’s.  All these things galvanize those who oppose our point of view making them angry and replying in kind. I am going to be blunt–it is childish. However, we can take the high road and make something negative a positive. That takes calm thinking and careful play with words. The idea is not to respond or post kind but to use calm, thought provoking words.

So you are calling out your fandom, but I bet you are going to continue to reblog the people doing these thing, thus reinforcing their choice to be cruel and nasty. This makes you no better than them. Practice what you preach, tinhat.

Supporting D & C is not trashing those who control him but rather by looking at these words and using them to advocate, sustain, bolster, buoy, stand behind the two of them. 

Yeah, again, you cannot actually do these things because you are not really there for them. Your platitudes are all for nothing.

 I see us doing this by highlighting the fact D loves to sing. C loves to write. They both love to act and have each won awards. Yes, D goes to that bar to sing but he loves to sing. I believe he is there as part of a contract, but it is love of singing and his fans which keeps him from losing it.

You do realise that you are speaking negatively about Tramp Stamp Granny’s by implying Darren is forced to be there? I thought that you said people need to be positive, not negative?

  Yes, there are things D (and perhaps C) must do for the sake of his contract and that is what is posted the most on SM. We do not see D or C out there enjoying themselves -It is only tinhats who never see these two enjoying themselves because your intense bias prevents you from doing so- (especially with each other- ummm, never with each other. Because they have nothing to do with each other.), or with friends unless it has been approved for release. (Well, we might if some passer by happens to capture it and post it.)

I have to remember that the media industry and the entertainment industry walk hand in hand, and they will not post or print things which hurt their brands. Thus, the common people see the PR story and they have to look elsewhere for the truth.

“Common people”. More gaslighting here. The common people, who are below those in CC Fantasy Land, right? Because anybody who does not subscribe to your version of the truth must be lower than you, right?

They find us, and then they see the negativity. Does that excite the or turn them off? I can’t speak to that, but we have to remember these things. We have to remember we CCer’s are part of the PR apparatus, even though we are volunteers and not backed by a massive industrial machine. We want to have the other side of the coin out there, but we have to play the game as well.

And now they bring in the tinhat inflated sense of self-importance trope. Believing that they actually play some kind of role in Darren and Chris’s life. You are not a part of the PR machine. You are a small fandom, sharing vile lies and insults. You are not playing any game. You are not making ant kind of difference. 

To that end, the ask and reply I noted above, is an outstanding example of good PR from our point of view. It did not make me angry.  It made me think. The result is this post.

When it comes down to it who is right, who is wrong. While I believe D is fighting to have a bigger say in his public life, he has an uphill battle on his hands. We must always remain aware that only those personally involved know the truth. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!!!!!!!!! In this whole long ass post, there is literally one sentence that makes sense.

They have seen the contracts and know what must and must not be done. Until we see these contracts, or it all becomes public, all we have is our interpretations of pictures, videos, and comments on SM. None of his will stand up in a court of law. But wait? Didn’t you start this post by talking about the facts that CCers believe? Are you now saying that none of you have facts?

Then I have to think, what D & C, their REAL friends and families feel about what we post? 

1. Real friends? You just said that only the people personally involved know the truth? You have no way of knowing who the real friends are etc.

2. THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU POST. THEY DO NOT SEE WHAT POST!!!!!!

Do they laugh or does he cringe because he fears the backlash? We have to remember that what we post has a ripple effect and we already suspect there have been repercussions.

There is no ripple effect and there have been no repercussions. You are not that important. Sorry.

I and others, have concerns matters will become worse as those who oppose our point of view dig in. Let those who oppose our views speak with negativity, because it only hurts them. Let us show them the other cheek and be crafty with our replies and posts. Again, this is a public forum and there are others, reading along or silently observing, who may or may not like the negativity. There are those who are watching our words for legal reasons such a lawyer from all sides. We must always be aware of repercussions.

Wait? What lawyers do you think are watching your words? 

This does not mean we can’t state our opinions, but we need to do it carefully. If the end is truly on the horizon, we need to ensure we support D & C in a positive manner. A good PR team crafts the message with polish.

But when you state your opinions in a way that is cruel and insulting, that is a problem. And even if you don't say them directly yourself, when you are supporting those that do, you are validating them.

Now, to be clear, this post is a statement of my opinion and I know it may not be popular in some circles. However, I believe we be a positive force in support of our beliefs in D & C. If you feel your hackles going up, step back take a breath, have a tea and then go back to it. Craft your words well and with meaning. Do we always succeed in this, no. Am I innocent in curtailing my negative emotions? – HELL NO– Can I choose to change the way I respond to asks or posts – YES. Do I want to change – YES. I choose to do so because I think this is how we support D & C.

We have to remember, we are responsible only for ourselves, as individuals, because we have no control over what other individuals think or react.

Then stop putting yourselves in a position of responsibility over Darren, his team, Mia etc. 

[the-yandere-cryptid]

Closing the Distance

How does a long-distance yandere cope with being so far from their love? Do they make it work or do they go the distance?

Hi! I can’t write and strayed too far from the prompt, but thanks for getting me off my ass to jot something down.

The idea of love at first sight suddenly became very real to Genji. He ran a thumb over the photo paper clipped to the manila folder, tracing the edges of your face.

The you in the photo beamed at the camera. That smile of yours made him want to smile back. As he read more of your file, Genji wondered how someone like you could exist without him knowing. You were the daughter of a wealthy businessman, yet most of your hours were spent volunteering. You were the perfect woman in his eyes.

It was rather unfortunate that he was supposed to kill you. You lived in another country, but that didn’t stop your father from catching Blackwatch’s attention. Genji put the folder back on the table. Reyes raised an eyebrow, expecting an answer. “You’ll take it?”

Genji’s lips curled into a smile beneath his helmet. He did want to see you. “Yeah.”

It was a few days after, with you none the wiser. The sun hid behind the horizon, casting a pretty purple hue on the evening sky. You were making your way to your house after a long day at the homeless shelter. It was in your best interest to rest up before getting back to it the next day. Humming softly, you fished your keys out and unlocked the door.

Your door just closed when you heard the distinct sound of a blade being drawn. A small gasp was all you could let out before you saw a red blur and the feeling of cold metal pressed against your neck. You tried to back away, only to feel the door against your reaching hands. Panicked, your eyes followed along the sword to your to-be assailant.

It took a second to get adjusted to the dark apartment. You saw the intruder, saw the mesh of skin and tech, and the glowing red eyes looking right at you. “I have nothing to do with my father,” you said immediately. This man was undoubtedly here for no other reason than to get to the corrupt pig that was your dad.

The cyborg’s eyes narrowed. His voice was a strange distortion of a human one, like someone talking through a fan. “Nothing? I’m sure he’ll say otherwise when I send him a little present. A finger, maybe?” Your hand crept towards the bag on your arm. You maintained eye contact all the while. Have to keep him distracted.

“You can threaten me all you want,” you said. “We aren’t in contact. I am, however, in contact with my boyfriend who will be here any minute. Even if you kill me, you’re not getting away from this.”

A bluff. He was out of the country, unfortunately. The both of you knew that you lived alone. Your fingers brushed against the metal of the gun in your bag. A wave of relief hit you. Now, if only you could find an opening to distance yourself…

The cyborg laughed. The blade at your neck shifted, lowered, and you saw the red glow of his body come closer.

“What are you going to do until then?” he said. “Stop me with that cute toy of yours?”

Spurred by his words, you pulled the gun from your bag. The only thing your father ever gave you was the experience of having people constantly out to get you. At that moment, you were actually thankful for that experience. You felt like you had a chance, that you could get away.

It was a flash between him moving and your hand wrist being slammed against the wall. A nasty crack reached your ears before you could even register the pain. You dropped the gun with a cry, but he left your wrist pinned. The weapon clattered to the ground and slid away. Desperation pushed you to claw at his arm with your free hand.

Gone was the fake bravery from before. This pain was real and the source was right in front of your eyes. “That’s not a nice way to treat someone who flew all the way out here to meet you.” His grip tightened and elicited more tears from you. Every move you made sent pain radiating from your broken wrist, but you had to get away.

“Let me go,” you begged between sobs. “If it’s my father you want to get to, killing me won’t do anything.”

“Look what you made me do.” He seem regretful, almost talking to himself. You felt his thumb over the tender skin of your wrist. You tried to kick him, but he didn’t budge. He sighed. “Still, you’re more than I imagined you to be.”

Imagined? He had thought about killing you that much?

His eye drifted over your tear-stained face. Contorted in pain, you were so beautiful. But the mixture of fear and disgust you had when looking at him stung a bit. Given time, though, he knew you would come around. “Just perfect. Still, I have to take care of that problem.”

You were afraid to ask. He waited for an answer, though, and only got your whimpers in turn. And so, he continued, “You know, your… boyfriend. I can’t let a man who has your affection stick around.

“No, no, no, please don’t hurt him,” your pleas started up again. It finally hit you that this guy didn’t want to kill you. No, far from that. You were filled with dread when the thoughts of what he could do to you and your boyfriend. “He doesn’t have anything to do with this!”

“But of course he does.” The man pulled your hand off the wall, causing pain that made your knees buckle. He caught you with his free hand and pulled you upright against him. You hadn’t even noticed him sheathe his sword—he obviously didn’t need it in the state you were in. You only wanted to curl up and deal with your wrist.

He turned your head to look at him.“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it. I’m the only one you need now.”

[toycarousel]

(2018 anon) mom forced me to go to the hospital, said I was crisis. said I have strong anxiety issues. Said to stay away from media. I said don't worry I won't be able to afford it soon anyway. So after a few days of nothing and "calming down", they finally let me watch tv today and use my phone and oh look, bullshit. Another reason to not make it to the new year. What do they want me to do? Not worry about my happiness being pulled away? I tried waiting and it did nothing. now what.

I’m really, really, really glad you followed up with me, Anon... I’ve been praying that you’re still with us... as long as you’re alive, there’s a chance at having a good life.

Wrt hospitalization, I completely understand how uncomfortable and terrifying it often is... I was hospitalized against my will when I was 16 (my therapist at the time actually tricked me into it, too, which is malpractice).  If it’s voluntary, it can sometimes be extremely helpful.  Even when it’s not voluntary, it can help (in terms of making connections and getting the resources that are actually helpful -- not just being forced to “calm down,” because I agree with you fully; that’s total bullshit).  And when it comes to waiting, well.  It’s a long-term wait (not, like, a decade-long -- but it could take a few months).  In the meantime, I don’t want you to just have to suffer without anything else to help you through!

I myself don’t have all the answers, and I’m definitely not a psychiatrist or other medical professional, but I’m always going to reply to you if I receive your message, and talk to you, whenever you want it -- and I will always do my best to suggest various things.  However, sometimes psychiatric skills (a lot of stuff I learned from DBT) don’t help unless you really want them to... it’s kinda like you have to make this stuff work for yourself.  And, in response to that, I have also said to my psychologists (since I don’t always know whether I even want the skills they suggest to work for me or not either) that the trick is finding something -- anything -- that currently makes life meaningful enough to really make these techniques useful, without having to just... pretend they’re working for the sake of it.

Now, it doesn’t mean just being positive about everything, or, like, pretending that the horrible things that have happened to you (and are currently happening to you) didn’t happen, or that they’re not worth being distressed about.  You never have to pretend that your emotions aren’t what they are rn.  You have every right to be angry, and scared, and exhausted, and any of the other emotions (and thoughts) you’re having at this time.  

Your thoughts and feelings are completely fair, Anon, and I know that you’re currently being forced to go through awful things that aren’t within your control.  The horrible political changes in the U.S, the hospitalization, the gender-related cruelties, the feeling of dehumanization, and of being brushed off...

These are all things I understand... I can never know another person’s pain in the exact way that they experience it, since we all experience pain differently, but I promise, when I offer techniques or suggestions, it’s because I want to help brainstorm with you, not because I want you to suddenly be like “yay, I’m all better, everything’s perfect, thanks.”  

I want to keep trying alongside you, because your life is worth more than you’re being told by the government, and by the people around you who’ve mistreated you.  I want to find something (hopefully multiple things, when practiced simultaneously) that help you feel even slightly better -- or that are at least useful in some sort of way! 

But I wanted to be clear that I do respect the fact that you’re suffering right now, and that it feels as though suicide is the only way out (it’s never the only option, but I know that, when things are as incredibly hurtful as they are, it can certainly look that way, and I don’t think you should just be told to “calm down and accept” all this other horrible shit).

So let’s get more into things, and do some more troubleshooting! I don’t know what else the hospital is doing for you (if they’re offering any sort of useful therapy at all), but I’ve got some things I can offer.  

In going through dialectic behavioural therapy, I’ve been taught some things that can help when your distress level is so high that suicide/self-harm seems like the only way to fix it.  When you are in that place where you’re being completely driven by painful emotions, a good way to bring the distress level down from about 100/100 to, like, a 70/100, is to change your body chemistry.  I know this tip sounds ridiculous, but it’s basically filling a bowl with ice water, and sticking your face in it for a maximum of 30 seconds (if you can hold your breath that long -- if not, just do it for as long as you’re able), then coming back up.

What this tip does is it literally tricks the body into thinking you’ve suddenly dove into icy water.  It thinks you’re in danger of freezing to death, so your parasympathetic nervous system is engaged (to warm, and protect your major organs), and norepinephrine -- a slightly calming “feel-good” hormone -- is released into your brain as a side-effect of that engagement.  It’s not going to make you feel high or anything, but it forces your brain chemistry to change into something that will help in the moment with intense dismay and panic.  (If you don’t have access to a bowl of ice water that you can stick your face into, using a cold pack, or even a cloth soaked in icy water can work instead -- as long as you kind of bend your face forward as though you’re diving into the source of the cold, that physical response will engage).

Now, that’s just one single tip.  It’s by no means a long-term solution to anything, and if you don’t want to bother with it, I understand.  It might be something that’s good to try a few times, but hey, if it doesn’t work for you after practicing it for a little while, then don’t worry, there are more options, and I’ll keep messaging you any time you want to follow-up (I mean, this tip is definitely not going to fix the government, unfortunately, so I get that).  It’s just for those times that are even worse than usual, when you’re certain you’re going to do something to harm yourself -- when your unhappiness peaks, and everything feels like it’s all crashing down on you...

Longer-term techniques are good to work on when your distress level isn’t at its very worst (like, maybe after using a cold-pack, when the distress level goes down slightly).  I know you’re probably feeling awful most of the time, so remember that you don’t have to feel massively better in order to do the following, and you don’t have to put on a mask for anyone.  You don’t have to look on the bright side if you don’t feel like it!

So, to start building a life worth living, even in the midst of all this horror you’re having to deal with, it’s good to start small.  As I mentioned previously, getting involved in something that matters to you -- something that you think could actually make a difference to political policies, for example, or help improve life for LGBT+ people, is a good place to start.  It’s good to get extremely specific to the things that affect you, and the things, and people, that you, at your very core, value.

Since your phone and internet are subject to being taken away from you at certain times rn, I’d look up as much as I can on the subject of online activist or LGBT+ support groups (or in-person ones, if you feel like that’s an option), as possible, during those moments when you do have access to your phone.  You could also ask the hospital if they have any pamphlets on LGBT+ support groups, support groups for suicidal people, or even political/social protest groups.  

Because sometimes it’s better to talk to other people who are going through the same sorts of things that you are, as opposed to only talking to “professionals,” you know? Meeting other people who are angry about being dehumanized, about being marginalized, about being tormented by a disgusting excuse for a president -- may feel kinda good, because when you’re around people like that, you can be angry.  You can be hurt, and in immense pain.  You can openly talk, and scream, and be honest, and true to your emotions around people who feel similarly, who are suffering under the same shitty political policies, and who want to support you, and each other.

Now, again, I’m not saying you gotta be an activist, or do anything you don’t want to do, and/or don’t have the emotional energy to do.  There’s nothing wrong with that, if it’s the case.  I’d totally just start by talking to American LGBT+ pro groups, either online or offline -- whichever is more accessible, or less unappealing.  Because then you can swap ideas with other LGBT+ Americans who are getting screwed over... and some of them may know of some things that are changing for the better (or that indicate that these policies are likely not gonna last long, along with trump as president), and you can talk to other LGBT+ ppl who are hurting...

If activism or support groups (online or offline) sound terrible or ineffective to you, then there are still different options.  What else do you care about in your life? Like, do you like animals? Do you like drawing? Are there any shows that were able to make you smile once? Focusing on these tiny things can buy you time in the moment -- and, over time, they can actually start to change life, in a more permanent way.

I’ve got a similar emotional state going on (mine’s for reasons besides trump and his nasty fallout, luckily, but I’ve been suicidal for p much my whole life due to, well, a lot of things I don’t tend to talk about).  So my psychologist basically asked me what I just asked you: Is there something/someone you care about, even if it’s just a little bit? 

For me, it’s that I care about animals, so now I’m volunteering at the animal shelter, whenever I’m able to.  Those animals need me... and even though my BPD isn’t going anywhere, and my PTSD isn’t going to heal just from volunteering somewhere, and aaaaaaall those years I lost to abuse, and trauma... sometimes it’s just-barely enough to know that my cats need me, the older bunnies at the shelter need me.  My boyfriend, my mom, my sister -- they all need me, so I try to do favours for them, and help them, and even though I’m absolutely falling apart, and screaming, and grieving inside myself at all times, those things/people that I still care about have helped me remember that I’m still alive, and therefore, there is still hope.

Now, as I said, I know I can’t understand your individual pain, and your exact circumstances.  But I know that it must be massive, intense, scary, and utterly agonizing for you to have to cope with things like this, things that are so out of control at this time.  Starting small is a way to take back some of that control, and to spit right in the eye of trump and every other bigot out there.  But more importantly, it’s a start on the road to a good life for you.  The life you still, and always will, deserve.

I’ve got a huge amount of skills from DBT that I can give to you (and publish in general).  DBT is often used for people with BPD, but it’s also used for people who have trauma, and/or are currently undergoing a trauma.  So I’m certain that some of these tactics are relevant, and can help... it may take time, but it’s going to be worth it, because you are.  I know I’m a broken record when it comes to saying that, but I truly mean it.  

I know we’re basically perfect strangers, and that there are other people who know you better, and who care about you too, but I also don’t want to lose you to a bunch of bigots... I don’t want you to lose your life.

This always stands: You can talk to me about anything.  You can be as angry as you need to be.  You can be as sorrowful as you need to be.  You can be anything you need -- when talking to me, and on my blog in general.  If you’d like more tips and short-term + long-term skills from my DBT manuals, and from my experiences, just say the word, and I’ll dig more up (there are, like, almost a hundred in DBT alone!)

Feel free to follow-up if you want/need to, and are comfortable doing so.  I really, really appreciate hearing from you!!!