#vivi does dumb shit

[viviskull]

@xsprxsso​ : x

“… ma'AM-” Riley turned to look indignantly at Vivi, who she’d tossed over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Ah, the perks of having a tiny best friend.

“First off, I am also a woman. Second, I don’t want you to dIE? I get that you’re like- a god- or something- but I would prefer my friend is not a blue puddle at the bottom of a cliff, please and thank you?”

“Aw heck, that was ONE time!”  Exclaimed the extremely pouty Divinity as she makes her irritation known with a light kick to her companion’s ribcage.  However, given she still hung helplessly on the back of Riley’s shoulder, Vivi couldn’t do much beyond crossing her arms in her own tiny fit.  “My leg healed up just fine when I last jumped off that school roof years ago.  What’s the difference when this cliff ain’t that much higher than that two story building?”

Vivi you sure aren’t indestructible, but how many times have you kissed death at this point?  Yeah you can respawn, but where’s your self preservation when it ISN’T dealing with some B tier baddy knocking on your doorstep??  First it’s cults wanting your heart and NOW you want to get your adrenaline rush all of a sudden!

“What’s a gal gotta need to have her fun every once in a while in this goddamn town?”  Although she’s long since admitted defeat to being carried, she still lets out a grumble.  “Being God gets a bit boring these days.  Where’s the drama in this job?”

[base0h]

Hello,

Heard you’re looking for ideas so…

Here’s a crack one: The Straw hats working in a department store

Would they become employee of the month? Would they be fired immediately?

a/n - IM WHEEZING AT THIS— you are GENIUS bro holy crap 😭🫶 dude luffy would get fired so fast it’s insane— and imma just add everyone bc why not 😂

Warnings ⚠️ - MAJOR crack, multiple characters, I’m kinda dumb and might’ve forgotten people

they didn’t even make it past the interview 💀

.✩ kidd (tried killing the interviewer for asking him why he wanted to work there “I really am passionate about restocking— MF IM BROKE.”), buggy, bonney, paulie (did the same thing as kidd plus he parked in the manager’s parking spot)

literally within the first few seconds of the interview they’re hired | “My name is—“ “Can you start within the next few seconds?”

.✩ jimbei, koby, sabo, koala, izou, kaku, vivi

got fired the same day they started

.✩ luffy (ate the entire produce section and then asked the manager “is there more stuff in the back?”), corazon (he accidentally burnt the place down 😀), sanji (confessed his love and asked several female customers to marry him at his cash register), brook (asked for some poor random woman’s underwear 💀)

employee of the month every single month

.✩ jimbei, koby (old people always say how sweet he is to the manager bc he always helps them get the things they can’t reach 😭🫶), tashigi (kids hate her bc she catches them and scolds them if they take an extra candy/sticker from the cashier jar), vivi (accidentally gave herself this title when she’s the manager 💀)

the manager of the store

.✩ nami (steals money from the safe sometimes), aokiji (he literally never shows up to work on time and doesn’t give a shit what the employees do), akainu, fujitora, shanks (bro also does not care and comes to work hungover), dragon (has not shown up once since the interview), sengoku, garp, dadan, vivi, magellan

the sale sign flipper guy

.✩ zoro (if he manages to actually find his way to the store), bepo, ace, shachi, penguin, queen (you legit can’t miss him as you’re driving by 💀), yamato, oden, cat viper, bon clay, ivankov

they work solely in the back to avoid human interaction as much as possible

.✩ mihawk, law, smoker (he’s the guy that mans the big crane machine that moves huge boxes), hawkins, king, katakuri, smoker, lucci

they’re the CEOs of companies that are partners with the store and provide goods for the store to sell

.✩ crocodile (provides gut/immune supporting, healthy, all organic animal/pet food), doflamingo, kaido, big mom, whitebeard, moria (sells and produces copious amounts of Halloween costumes and other decorations)

actually decent employees

.✩ usopp, benn, x drake, robin, nojiko, baby 5, monet, vergo, franky, icebarg, bellamy (SHADOW FROM SK8 PLS TELL ME YALL SEE IT), hachi, killer

they start tweaking because they asked a customer how they were and they ignored them

.✩ shirahoshi (sobbing), bepo, sanji (asked a girl who had her headphones on), Uta (will get so pressed that they ignored her when in reality they just had headphones on)

they’re the reason why the store’s still in business | they’re basically the mascot

.✩ chopper, bepo, carrot, cat viper, dog storm

the dude everyone goes to for questions/help | “Idk go ask ___”

.✩ franky (has beef with cash register 4 bc it stops working for no reason only during his lunch break and never when he’s not doing anything), icebarg, kaku, usopp, lucci, jack, king, robin, jimbei

they’re the reason why no one likes to shop there | they have several weird allegations or felonies of some sort

.✩ trebol, caesar, diamante, dellinger, pica (he drives this mini car and always somehow fits inside it and takes up two spots in the parking lot), absalom, hogback (people have gone missing in the parking lot it’s scary), moria (would you wanna shop if you saw bro? Ik I wouldn’t 😭)

jobless for life ✌️

.✩ rayleigh (he slays idc), roger, yasopp

a/n - I think i forgot people but eh 💀 the one piece brainrot is so back 🙏

[na0koz]

atsumu thoughts (pre-timeskip!)

- once he learns what rizz means he turns around and says “w rizz” to osamu whenever he even speaks to a girl. i hate him

- he’s a mamas boy 100% sorry about it im not sorry actually . he only recently stopped crying to his mom whenever something didn’t go his way

- speaking of crying, he still cries sometimes. he’s not embarrassed of that part of himself and he’s comfortable with his emotions. he doesn’t really talk to anyone about them though ☹️

- i think we all know he sings in the shower. his showers are also extremely hot and extremely long

- on nights where he stays up wayy too late analysing his play he ends up watching those top 10 most dangerous rollercoasters (“it’s already 3am i might as well stay up”) he’s late to school every time he does it

- says birthday parties are lame so doesn’t have them but secretly it’s because in 3rd grade everyone showed up for osamu and he is scared it’ll happen again or no one will show up if he has his own :( weeping

- has considered using toner (about fucking time) without telling anybody and showing up to school looking the same as osamu

- if he had snapchat his bitmoji would be purple with a bikini or some dumb ass cringe shit like that i am Sick.

- once decided to skip school and sat by a river for like 30 minutes. he then convinced himself he was gonna get arrested for it, went to school and practically asked for a detention

- constantly yelling. his parents don’t even check if he’s okay anymore because he’s probably yawning or sneezing or “laughing”

- spent months, almost a year, trying to learn how to raise one eyebrow. currently can only do it while squinting the opposite eye

- definitely sleeps in some weird positions like he ends up hanging off his bed and stuff

vivi’s note: im in an atsumu mood hi . ive been listening to ready to be by twice and ooouuuhhhh they are saving the game once again

[mutsky]

ok here we go love sea ep 5 running commentary

-oh i love this lipstick on chanya

-mook is so silly your job isnt to buy a girl anything but here you go

-mut is such a cute little shit

-oh tongrak youre in it now

-ah yes lets go grocery shopping at the kate spade

-ok this menu is dumb as fuck its not like its in french or nothing

-my poor baby all pouty

-gottem

-theyre so cute on their little date

-vivie attentively listening to mooks complaining and letting her vent 🥹

-i love mooks outfit its so cutieful

-how many carrots do they need?

-mut taking notes from sky so cute

-no way tongrak drinks beer sorry esp not hienken hes a liquor gal

-that entire scene making me feel things just to end with mut calling rak old

-"ill take care of you till we both get old" i squealed sorry

-not love sand

-trying to get mook to relax is gargantuan task vivie has just taken on

-not writer and secretarys doms exchanging numbers

- vimook are perfect im sorry haters losing this round she lets her infodump and vent

-all that fit in one bag?

-and whats wrong with being hilly billy

-this argument is dragging

-her top is cute tho

-his little fists

-we were doing so well damn you prin

-the sleep shirt is sorta killing the vibe

-why does he have an alarm what could he possibly need to be up for at 8:59

-youre a sugar baby!! sleep in!

-we didnt need to make mook suffer if we were just going to a menswear store anyway

-to be fair you dragged him in there with no clothes so

-is rak in heels is this why their height difference seems wonky?

-which story is test love? never heard of that one i know she has 5 trillion books

-saur excited for next week

- the end credits are better every week

yipee cant wait for next week 10/10 no complaints except probably the pacing we are gonna do everything in eps 9 and 10 huh

[airplanned]

So here is what happened in the One Piece that I read yesterday.

1.

So Zoro goes into town and stops at the sword shop and tells the guy, "I have $1,000, and I need two swords.  What have you got?" And the shop keeper is disgusted and tells him to check the bargain bin.  Zoro checks the bargain bin.

He finds a sword that's actually pretty good, much to the shop keeper's dismay until the shop keeper realizes, oh, it's that sword.  That sword is cursed.

Zoro's like, "Fuck yeah!  Cursed sword! :D"

The shop keeper then says, "oh, if you like cursed swords, I have this other cursed sword that's also very good.  You can have it.  No charge.  Just get them out of my store!"  And Zoro's like, "Bad ass!  Two free swords! :D"

My bae informs me that Zoro's two cursed swords are never mentioned again ever.

2.

Nami agreed to loan him the thousand berries at "3,000% interest," and Zoro was dumb enough to agree to this.  When he comes back and immediately hands her the money back, she informs him that he still owes her $3,000, because of interest.

This is not how interest works, and has set off a debate between me and my bae.  I think that Nami doesn't know how interest works, and Zoro (who also doesn't know how interest works) is agreeing to whatever she says.  They are both dumbasses.  My bae thinks that Nami does know how interest works, but she knows Zoro doesn't, so she's just naming exorbitant numbers because he'll go along with it.

3.

"This woman is being weirdly kind to me, and we have common interests in swords, and she looks way too much like my dead childhood friend, and I don't know what to do with all these emotions, so I WILL DEFEAT YOU IN SINGLE COMBAT! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!"

4.

My bae informed me that everyone has a character who they wish had joined the crew but didn't, and they're low key mad about it.  I announced that I am mad that the Depressed Whale didn't join the crew.  Because I pick favorites early.

But think about it!  That whale had a dream to go home, and the only way he can get there is to circumnavigate the globe, so he should go with them.  He can get super strong during the time skip and come back twice as big with a canon on his head and a terrible outfit.

My bae says that most people wish Vivi had joined the crew, but I don't know about that Vivi.  She tried to kill the Depressed Whale.

5.

Zoro, Nami, and Vivi get their feet stuck in wax, and wax is raining down on them, slowly turning them to statues.  (Bear with me here.)  So Zoro has a big speechy-speech about how if he's going to die anyway, he's going to die fighting, and therefore he's going to cut off his own legs so he can...fight?  He's a dumbass.  Anyway, somehow, his speechy-speech convinces Vivi that he has a valid point (he doesn't), and she's like, "Fuck yeah!  Cut off my legs too!"

Thirty seconds later, Luffy and Usopp show up, and Zoro's like, "oh, okay, I won't cut my legs off," completely forgetting his speechy-speech.  But they are not rescued immediately, and end up standing around for a while while Luffy fights.  Zoro then decides that if he's going to be a statue, he's going to be a badass statue, and strikes a pose.  Everyone tells him he's an idiot, but he's like, "You'd better strike your own pose, or you're going to look real stupid."

...Right.

6.

No one tells Sanji that any of this nonsense is happening, because Sanji is fighting a triceratops off screen for funsies.  We check in with him as he stumbles across the bad guy's hideout, and is like, "Hmmmm.  What's thissss?"  And it's like, ooooo!  Sanji's going to get some shit done in the background!  But when we check in with him again later, he's just sitting in the bad guy hideout, having helped himself to their food, thinking to himself that, oh yeah, maybe he should go find the others.  He is doing absolutely nothing to help while all this nonsense is going on elsewhere, and it's hilarious.

Eventually the snail phone rings, and it's the big bad guy, and Sanji's like, "Right.  Yeah.  I'm a bad guy whose house I'm in I guess, and Oh! I killed all those pirates already!  Mission accomplished.  Everything's fine here.  How are you?"  And, again, he has the chance to be super helpful, but he completely drops the ball and doesn't even know it.

[chrisoftheeclipse]

The Silliest Undead/Robot You'll Ever Meet!

``YOU WILL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE.`` I'M ALIVE!.

Hi, I'm Chris, Null, Saros, or Ecliptic-P and welcome to my makeshift Hell.

I'm 15, and I'm the actual #1 V1 Ultrakill lover, AND the #1 Mirage Ultrakill lover. Fight me on that. (don't)

KINLIST

I'm gonna start tagging my original posts with "#chris does dumb shit" because of how reblog-heavy my blog is. My art is tagged this too but I also use the "#my art" tag

Current Main Interests: Ultrakill, Servitude & Espresso, Keygen Church, Vocaloid, OrgansDotOrg, Slipknot, Ghost (the band), Led Zeppelin, What We Do in the Shadows Bold = HUGE interest rn Minor Interests: Disturbed, SOAD, etc, Gloomwood, Fallen Aces. Music in general, Royale High (i dont support the devs), The Post-Traumatic Manifesto, Star Wars, Star Trek, Space Battleship Yamato, some smaller voca-ps like angel 787, BONES, etc etc Current Hyperfixes: idk rn

I pda my QPP V1/Mirage (Vivi/Mira) a lot be aware.

The last one is /qp Vivi I love you so fucking much

Alt Blogs: @ecliptic-p(Voca-P blog) @cyanidetears(Kin RP Blog) @v1shusband (Kin RP Blog)

StrawPage! (zero idea why this lead to a miniverse yt short for a while)

DNI list just in case you don't feel like checking my rentry for it: (not exactly a dni bc ik i cant choose who interacts with me more like a "i will block you". I block extremely freely even if you SLIGHTLY discomfort me.)

Basic DNI

Proshippers (PAPACEST FALLS UNDER THIS!!!)

People i've had past issues with unless I reach out myself

Anti-Recovery

Disorder/Issue romanticizers

Anti-Kin/Therian

Anti-Fur

People who dehumanize others based on their identity

endo "systems"

MellowShaymin/MellowBile/InorganicFaeries/Angel Chao/Medvsa/etc fans

[beanghostprincess]

I am so delighted to see we can send platonic ship and that you are insane about it!! (same here i love it so so much, tahat all my life) so what about Nami&Robin or/and Nami&Zoro

there are so many people asking me my opinions i can't believe y'all actually care about what i have to say ilysm <33

nami/robin: i love them and i wish they had more scenes together in canon :(( i love that they share a room and their beds are literally next to each other. i'm sure that they cuddle when they sleep. no doubt about it. robin reads out loud while nami does her nightly routine with makeup and stuff and then they talk for a bit before falling asleep. i love that they're the only girls in the crew but their role isn't just that. they both keep the guys in place but robin has that silly, satiric dark side that scares nami sometimes, and nami has that impulsive, thief side that robin loves too. and kjsdcjksdnjkasd they make me ill. they have girl nights. they go shopping. they talk shit about people together. they eat sanji's food together. nami talks about how much she misses her girlfriend (vivi, i miss you too. come back) and robin comforts her but instantly nami complains about her "not getting it" because she has her husband on the damn ship!!!!! then nami goes and hugs robin back again. i think they're the smartest and brightest girls ever and they deserve all the love. neither of them has ever had real friends and now that they have the chance to live freely, they finally can hang out together. robin is older and tbh i think she sees nami as this cute, young, brilliant girl with so so much potential. and nami sees robin as, like, this older, mature woman that's also her bestie and that's awesome!!! a lot of people ship them romantically but i personally see them as besties or sisters ngl. i think robin is still getting used to having friends like a normal person and nami teaching her how to enjoy life is so,,, so beautiful,,, they also have their own shenanigans and i need them to have wayyy more scenes together c'mon!!!

nami/zoro: i am so not shutting up about them i apologize- i love them. i am obsessed with them. we need to talk more and more about them. "they're overrated" they should be. they deserve it. i fucking love everything about these two. so, so much... the thing that makes me like them it's probably the fact that they're part of the romance dawn trio, and i'm very nostalgic about those three. they're all important to luffy, of course, all of his nakama are. but... there's just something about zoro and nami being the first ones that makes me insane. they're the ones that had to deal with luffy together when they first met, and ever since, they've just been sooo chaotic. i'm happy opla gave them scenes together (uhhh not so much the fact that people see them romantically. it's obvious they wanted to make them romantic. please don't, netflix, i'm watching you) because they mean so much to me! they have this lesbian/gay solidarity and hostility (yes, at the same time) that i LOVE. i'm obsessed with zoro being all edgy-wannabe (he's just quiet lmfao his dramatic gay ass wanting to be a dark swordsman is so funny) and nami like "??? shut up you're just dumb". the fact that they argue and zoro complains about her manipulative behavior but still always helps her and saves her every time,,, that's so,,, i love them. i know we all say zoro is luffy's guard dog, but that's not true. zoro is luffy's cat and nami's guard dog. he stays behind nami protectively with a dark stare and nobody dares to approach her bc they know they'll die if they try to hurt his navigator. he'd never admit it out loud, tho, but he cares for her an insane amount. and she loves him too. thinking about them cuddling when it's too cold and zoro's just the perfect pillow!! zoro braiding nami's hair!!! nami helping him clean his swords!! they look after the other all the time,, and they are the ones that know luffy the best, of course they're going to be the first ones to talk things out together if something's wrong with him. also, my zolu shipper heart needs to say that nami would be the first one to find out about them. in every universe. i love them.

[death-and-other-myths]

The Queen of Nothing Deadass Book Review

Okay look, this book has everything. Our main character is an unhinged monster. Her husband was raised by a cat or something. There's snakes. GOD DAMN I LOVE THIS BOOK.

This is an unhinged book review of The Queen of Nothing By Holly Black.

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

Well the 3rd and final book in this series starts out with a bang, with the prologue painting Cardan’s tragic backstory as a baby taken to meet his father by his shitty, neglectful mom. Baefin, the royal astronomer shows up and decides to ruin everyone’s day by saying, “Hey, the stars say this kid is going to topple your kingdom and you’ll never have another child after him.” — so right out of the gate, everyone hates Cardan. His siblings play with him like a puppy. His Mom is the flakiest asshole. She uses a… cat..?? As a wet nurse?? Like WOW LADY. Both CPS and PETA would like a word with you.

There’s a super sad part when Cardan is older, and Dane is messing with him. They are shooting a walnut off of a mortal’s head, who happens to be Val Moren’s lover. Val Moren was the old High King’s sineschel, and his heart was broken for the rest of his life after his boyfriend got shot with an arrow by these big dumb faerie princes.

Dane offers to switch arrows, so if Cardan messes up and hits the man, everyone will think Dane did it. Cardan says fine, but chickens out when it comes time to shoot. So Dane shoots Cardan’s arrow into the guy’s chest, and tells everyone that Cardan did it. So as punishment, they sent Asha into jail and cultivated Cardan’s reputation of being a heartless asshole. It’s just shit all around. GOD THIS POOR BABY I CAN’T BELIEVE I EVER THOUGHT HE WAS A MONSTER. HE IS THE SWEET, MESSED UP PRODUCT OF HIS AWFUL FAMILY. AUGH.

Meanwhile, in the mortal world…

Jude is watching Oak play war games with the other 5 year olds and he keeps accidentally glamoring them (so he appears invisible until he attacks). When all of his friends leave, she sneaks up on him and you know, almost chokes him out. Like sisters do!

He’s all upset with her and she’s like “I’m just trying to show you that fighting is real, and it’s serious, and it’s not a game!” and he says he never ever wants to be king, which makes this reader happy.

At night, Jude makes money by doing odd jobs for the local faeries. They apparently can live in the mortal world, usually because they’re in hiding or exile or just because they want to. She meets up with one of the Roach’s old friends, who is a goat man that gives her a job to go talk to a lady named Grima Mog and tell her to quit murdering people.

Grima Mog is part of the “Court of Teeth”, and is a warrior who was banished for one reason or another and is causing a scene in the real world. Jude goes over, tells her to cut it out, and Grima Mog challenges her to a duel on the roof. Jude wins, because she is still a savage badass. And in return, Grima Mog tells her the latest hot goss: That King Cardan is going to be overthrown before the next full moon.

Jude is like cool I don’t care about him. Yep. Totally don’t care about that loser who is also my husband. Fuck him. Ima ride the bus home covered in blood. So she does that.

And when she gets home, Heather is there trying to pluck up the courage to see Vivi again. But moreover, TARYN IS THERE in her flowy pretty dress and Jude is like “Get the fuck out.” (still covered in blood by the way).

Taryn explains that she MURDERED LOCKE. Like not even in self defense or anything. He pissed her off and slept around, so she stabbed him with a LETTER OPENER and THREW HIM IN THE OCEAN so his body washed up a few miles downshore all chewed up, and now she has to go to Faerie court and be glamored to tell the truth. So she’s asking Jude if she’ll pose as her and go in her stead.

Jude can’t really resist the opportunity to get back into Faerie land and slap her husband, so she agrees. Also Taryn drops the bomb that she’s pregnant too. So ... damn. I guess being bloodthirsty maniacs runs in this family. Like whoa.

Alright, Jude goes back to Elfhame pretending to be Taryn. She spends a brief night in Locke’s house where she finds drugs just… everywhere. Gold stuff is smeared on the couches and the servants bring her a faerie apple with dinner, which Jude finds hella weird since that stuff is like heroin to humans. She’s starting to realize Taryn isn’t as innocent as she thought. As if the whole “murdering her husband” thing wasn’t her first clue.

She walks into the courtroom and gives a curtsey, and Cardon goes “…Taryn?”

She’s like “Yes m’lord tis I, sweet lil’ innocent Taryn. Look at me all in my pretty little dress being demure and cooperative.”

Cardon smirks and is like “okaaayyyy. Begin the questioning.”

Jude is standing there thinking “Cardon you dumb fuck I’ve tricked you. You’ve played right into the palm of my hand, you treacherous scum.”

And we as the reader realize it’s pretty fucking obvious that he knows its her. And that he looks elated to see her.

He “glamours” her to only be able to tell the truth and asks her if she killed Locke. Jude says no. So Cardon turns to Nicasia and his Mom (who are also there) and is like “Welp, she didn’t do it. Guess we can all go drink and party and forget this ever happened now. Like we did when Valerian died. Remember how no one seemed to care about that?”

But Jude has to take it a step further and be like “I think the sea had something to do with it.”

Nicasia is pissed. “WHY would the sea start shit if we have a treaty with the land? Also Locke was my friend! If anyone killed him it was probably your horrifying sister. She loves murdering people. She does it like, all the time.”

Lady Asha chimes in like “It’s court gossip that Locke was fooling around with both you and your sister. Maybe she killed him to get revenge because she loved him.”

And Jude (as Taryn) says, “My sister only loves one person, and it’s not Locke.”

Cardan is unable to stifle his glee.

“And she wants that person dead.”

Cardan bristles.

Nicasia says they can’t trust anything “Taryn” says because she could be wearing a charm to resist glamour (implying Jude should strip in front of the court). But Jude can’t do that without revealing herself, since she’s all scarred up and Cardan knows every single one of those scars.

Luckily, our boy is on to this so he’s like “How about I personally inspect her for charms in my quarters. Alone. Away from here. This is totally normal, right?” And the court is like “Right!” So they’re walking to his room. And a servant runs into her with a tray, and slips her a knife and is like “Don’t worry miss Taryn. Your father is coming to save you.” And Jude is like What? Shit. What??

But then she’s alone in Cardan’s room and he is immediately like “Oh my god how are you? Did you get my letters? I wrote you every day but you never replied. Hi.”

And Jude is FLABBERGASTED “You knew it was me?!”

“From the second you walked into the room?? You’re my wife? God, you’re cute.”

She’s still pissed at him though for tricking her, which to us is very obvious to us that it was for her own protection, but Jude thinks he’s awful. She shows him the knife someone gave her and for a moment he’s like… wait… shit… is she going to stab me? She kind of likes making him think she will. But she tells him Maddock is up to something, then there’s a huge explosion. And instead of stabbing Cardan, she goes back to her warrior ways like “Stay here!” Even though he’s shouting at her not to.

Jude takes like 2 steps outside the door and gets knocked out with Faerie chloroform by some of Maddock’s knights.

She wakes up in a carriage with Oriana being carted off to Maddock’s stronghold. And everyone is like “Sorry Taryn! It was just easier to get you out of there if you were… you know… unconscious for 3 days.” (Wtf faerie people??)

So now Jude is STUCK pretending to be Taryn in Maddock’s snowy army headquarters near the Court of Teeth territory. She has to hang out and pretend to like Oriana, her prim and boring stepmother, and convince everyone she’s Taryn or Maddock will literally kill her.

During her time in camp, she meets Grimsen the master forge guy, who likes compliments and young girls (which is hella gross). She flirts with him to learn about his magic weapons and learns he’s making a crazy powerful sword for Maddock to use to take Cardan’s crown.

Jude has an awkward conversation with Maddock where he’s like “I never much cared for Jude. God she’s so annoying. You’re cool though.” He also tells her that when he saved her from the palace, half his knights got murdered in the process. He said the doors shrunk and trapped his men inside, then vines came down from the ceiling and strangled them. Only the ones running with her made it out alive and everyone else got savagely choked to death. So like… Cardan is a badass and can still control the land around him. And clearly he does not take kindly to people kidnapping his wife.

Jude decides she needs to run away before anyone catches on to her, and on her way out, she stops to inspect this cave set far away from the camp. In it, she finds THE GHOST who betrayed her like a little fucking asshole just because his buddy Dane got killed. He tells her his whole sad story. That Dane was like, his friend and ally. He even gave Dane his “true name” (which is a big real. If anyone knows a faerie’s true name, they can command them to do anything). And then somehow Locke got his true name from Dane. And was commanding Ghost to do all these terrible things. Then Locke gave him to Maddock. So Jude is like SIIGHHH God damnit okay I’m getting out of here and taking you with me. I just need to get the key from Grimsen.

She goes BACK to camp, where Oriana is waiting for her like a huge dick. And she’s all like “You’re not Taryn, are you?” But thank god she doesn’t rat her out. Jude tells her why she was masquerading as Taryn, which Oriana totally understands (everyone in their family hated Locke) and the only reason she’s here is because Maddock FAERIE CHLOROFORMED HER.

Oriana agrees to write Vivi to come get Jude if Jude agrees to leave and never fucking come back to Faerie. Jude, being a lying liar, is like “yeah! Totes!”

So Jude goes to bed and plans on waking up before dawn and stealing the key from Grimsen to grab the Ghost and run. But she gets a hand thrown over her mouth in her sleep and elbows her assailant hard. Before she can STAB THEM, the Roach is laughing his ass off like “Jude, come on. It’s us.” And I nearly screamed and fell off the treadmill when she realizes that it’s CARDAN who has his hand over her mouth.

YAYYY!!! Cardan needs more screen time. I was so sad when Jude got kidnapped like god damnit. The high king is there in regular-people clothes. No crown. No gold eyeliner. He tells her that he knew where she was because he went to visit Vivi in the human world, which Jude cannot even picture and neither than I.

She’s like “Wtf did he even WEAR?” She tries to picture him sitting on their beat up couch next to Oak’s half eaten Lucky Charms. So apparently Vivi, Taryn, AND HEATHER are waiting for them in the forest. They bullied their way into the rescue operation by refusing to tell the high king where Jude was unless they could come.

Jude, difficult as usual, is like “Neat. You can’t rescue me yet. I need to free the Ghost from his torture cave first.”

Cardan is like “Can you FOR ONCE just let someone RESCUE you without being DIFFICULT?”

She’s like “No. Help me get this key from Grimsen.”

And he says “Okay.” (Whispers: “I love you so much”)

So the Roach, Jude, and Cardan sneak into Grimsen’s forge to get the key. Jude totally doesn’t notice how good Cardan is at sneaking around, nor how good he looks in those pants.

Before they left, the Roach told Cardan he could come on the dangerous mission if he promised to leave if they got discovered. Cardan is like Oh my god FIIIINE why does everyone make me promise thiiiings. Stupid fucking promise magic.

He also made a promise to Jude that if she returned with him to Elfhame, and told him what she needs to tell him, he’ll un-exile her. So Jude is like HOT DAMN YES.

They break into the forge, get the key, and immediately trip a booby trap. Some darts fly out of the wall and Cardan instinctively protects Jude with his cloak that is basically bulletproof. They look at each other as if they’re surprised at this, because they are having a little fight where they can’t figure out who betrayed who, if at all. GOD THESE KIDS ARE SO STUPID I LOVE THEM.

Well the romantic moment gets ruined because the Roach is down with a dart. Cardan carries him and Jude is like “BRB I GOTTA TELL MY SISTERS TO LEAVE or they’ll get caught” (The knights are scrambling now in response to the alarm). Cardan, who is honor-bound to return to Elfhame is like “Fine. Fuck. Fine. Damnit.” And leaves his woman, who totally does NOT go to her sisters, but runs to the cave to get Locke. AND IN THE CAVE, SHE FINDS MADDOCK WAITING FOR HER.

She’s like “When did you figure out it was me?” and he says “Later than I would have liked.” — apparently it was the way she looked at the BOATS on the MAP in his tent that tipped him off, which is kind of a slight to Taryn more than anything lol

Jude refuses to surrender, and knowing all she has is a dagger, she runs off into the snowy woods and does a halfway decent job of defending herself, but ultimately gets stabbed in the stomach. Maddock is kind of surprised at this too, and he even seems like he’s going to spare her life until an ARROW flies out of nowhere and into his chest. Vivi, Taryn, and GRIMA MOG (not Heather) show up and threaten him. So they let him retreat back to his army.

Jude is like “Ya’ll I don’t feel so good.” And collapses, asking Taryn to stitch her side. While she’s on the ground, she remembers that she is a queen and tries to heal herself with the land… however one does that… but it totally works because it heals up enough. And when she stands up there are flowers everywhere, because that’s a fun side effect of being royal.

Maddock said he sent the Ghost after Cardan, so Jude leaves Grima Mog to protect her sisters and rushes off to the palace to stop “Garret” (his real name!) before he can kill Cardon.

She climbs up in the rafters, which is the Ghost’s favorite killing place, and is watching Cardan and everyone below when the Bomb climbs up in the rafters too, and AIMS AT JUDE. Jude realizes that Maddock tricked her, and sent her there to look like SHE is the one trying to kill Cardan. So she dodges the Bomb’s arrow and FALLS straight onto the banquet table.

There’s this cute part where Jude croaks “I lost your cloak.”

And Cardan is like “You’re a fucking filthy mortal liar.” In front of everyone, which stings. Jude thinks he believes she was trying to assassinate him too. We all know it’s cause he’s pissed she keeps putting herself in danger after promising she won’t.

The court is demanding her death, because they love dinner and a show, and Cardan says “DON’T TOUCH HER. That’s my wife.”

Jude passes out. Wakes up in Cardan’s bed with him being super sweet and tending to her. Passes out some more. Wakes up naked and gross so she takes a bath. Sees her sisters, who are super happy she is alive (I love the sisters, even stupid Taryn).

After they leave, Cardan arrives, which is sweet. Then the Bomb shows up with a medical tray, and says to him “you should leave.”

And he’s like “I’m not leaving. This is my room. And she is MY wife!”

Bomb: “I know, you keep telling EVERYONE. But I need to take our her stitches and you probably don’t want to see that.”

Jude goes “Maybe he wants to stay and watch me scream.”

And Cardan says “Maybe I do. Maybe one day you’ll do that for me.” And touches her head and LEAVES. AHHHHHH!!!!!

Jude gets her stitches out. Later, Cardan comes to fetch her because the Living Council wants to talk to her. But they take a detour to the rose garden for these two stupid idiots to work out their issues. Jude is like “I’M STILL PISSED THAT YOU EXILED ME.”

Cardan: “I wrote you letters?? Every day?? The contents of which were BEGGING YOU TO COME HOME. Also? I very explicitly said that you were banished until pardoned by the crown. You are also the crown. You could have pardoned yourself and come back any time you wanted.”

Jude slaps him lol. Smears his cute gold shit he wears around his cheekbones.

SHE IS PISSED. And again. They are so dumb. But I love them.

Cardan explains that he never thought she was capable of breaking? Or being sad? Or being defeated? In his eyes she’s like this immortal warrior demon that he wants to make love to all day. So he thought he was proposing a fun riddle for her to work out. Like Jude would show up any day now like “Hah! Good trick to make Orla think you were an ally. Let’s conquer the world, babe.” — instead Jude fell into a DEEP depression and ate fish sticks for a few months, all the while Cardan’s shitty MOM was keeping his letters from reaching her.

Jude feels embarrassed and foolish and in typical Jude fashion, does not handle this well.

She goes off on a tangent about how she’s not an immortal warrior demon, she’s SCARED all the time. Scared of this world and of powerlessness and of CARDAN. It’s a cute exchange and sweet things are said, but none of which are explicit. Will you idiots shut up and kiss already??? GAWD.

Jude goes and talks to Lady Asha who is languishing in her bed over the trauma of watching HER fall off the rafters. Jude basically hears this woman talk shit about her son who “was difficult to love” and sasses her something fierce, then leaves.

A knight comes and finds Jude and tells her that Nicasia is in the throne room with a bunch of soldiers. When Jude gets there, Cardan is holding her hand and speaking closely with her (OH SNAP) - but nothing weird is going on. They’re just friends and he’s comforting her because MADDOCK SHOT HER MOM WITH SOME KIND OF MAGIC BULLET. And she’s not dead but is in a coma. So Nicasia has to leave and make sure no one tries to unthrone her mom.

Jude puts two and two together that it was the Ghost that probably shot the sea queen. He’s out there running around being all crazy under Maddock’s control. Jude is interrupted from her council meeting by a messenger saying Taryn needs to meet with her immediately in Hallow Hall (which is weird).

So she gets up to leave but Cardan is like “I’ll come too.” and he looks at her so innocently (but also knowing this annoys her) and off they go TOGETHER in a carriage. There, they find Taryn in Balekin’s gross dungeon with the GHOST who she has trapped in a hole. He tells them it was HE who shot Orla, and we also learn the Ghost’s true name (Larkin Gorm Garrett).

The Ghost tries to kill Cardan, but Taryn uses his name to say “Hey, cut it out. You’re free of any previous orders.” and he’s just like “AUGH THANK GOD.” – Jude hands the Ghost aka Garrett over to the Bomb’s custody, and on the carriage ride back, Cardan is being adorable and asking Taryn about the human world. She tells him about slushies and gummy bears. You know, basic human stuff.

Cardan escorts the Ghost to the Bomb, but never comes to bed that night. Which makes Jude sad.

The next day, Randalin bursts in on Jude, and is like “Your dad is such a dick! And he’s being a dick because you’re the queen. Step down and make this easier on all of us.”

And Jude says “No, fuck you.”

And Cardan comes in and in the most elegant, royal way possible, drags his advisor into another room to threaten his life for insulting Jude. It’s very cute.

But Ranndal makes a good point. The lower courts are starting to assemble at the palace because word on the street is that Maddock is going to challenge Cardan to a duel for the crown, and they are either here to show their support or usher in a new king. It’s all very shaky right now.

But in true Faerie fashion, they’re like “Let’s throw a party to celebrate everyone coming into town!”

Jude wears a gold dress with like… battle-esque looking leather shoulder pads and chain-mail lookin accents. She looks like a badass, and this is made even better when Cardan gives a toast at the party that is like “Welcome everyone. To you I offer my honey and wine and to any traitors or oath breakers, I offer you my queen’s hospitality instead. The hospitality of knives.” and everyone is like hahahaha cheers (Jude included)-- meanwhile she’s sipping her cup like “Hah yes it’s true, I will murder you all without batting a eyelash.”

Heather and Vivi are also there with Oak and having a good time considering they have some stupid deal where when they go back to the human world, they’re going to break up and Vivi will erase Heather’s memory. It’s even sadder because Heather seems to be regretting it and Vivi seems to be all about it. Jude is like… when I’m done with this whole “murdering my cat dad before he can murder my king husband” thing, this is next on the list.

OKAY.

OKAY….

So like… after the party…

Jude and Cardan go back to their bedroom, and this is the cutest fucking scene. They start making out and it’s getting super steamy up in there– Cardan picks her up against the wall, and the second she shows any sort of hesitation, he’s like “Okay we don’t have to.” (So sweet) But Jude is like no no, I’m cool. One sec. And she steps into her closet to compose herself, because she hates how inexperienced she is and how he’s an expert.

So this badass bitch gets completely naked, and steps out of the closet just to see the look on his face. Then she kneels and asks if this is what he imagined she’d be like when he thought about her obsessively in Hallow Hall. He’s like um yes. Exactly this. But with more groveling.

“So what did I do?” she asks.

“I imagined you telling me to do with you whatever I liked.” - he says, kind of mortified and scared of her. Like this is such a cute vulnerable moment from him where she has his heart in the palm of her hand. And yay Jude for discovering her sexy self, which like every other personality trait of hers, is also terrifying. Cardan’s into it though. And they have very sexy sex on the floor, which is fucking adorable and sweet and I love it so much, and I also know this means something TERRIBLE is about to happen.

(This was in Chapter 21 by the way!)

In Chapter 22, Maddock finally shows up. He wants to come parlay as per traditional fru fru tradition. The Bomb is like “How about this? How about I shoot him with an arrow?” and Cardan’s like “Nah, I’m not a coward. But I’m not going to duel him either.” – So everyone is just hanging out gathering for this like spectators. Even Vivi, Heather, and Oak who REALLY shouldn’t be there and I’m surprised everyone is okay with this. While they’re getting ready to have the parlay, Jude and Cardan have a little moment.

Before they go out there, Cardan comes out and says that he LOVES HER, and walks away all cool before she can reply, which drives her nuts. Jude realizes she’s loved him for a long time. She loved him before they got married. AUGH so SWEET.

Maddock comes in there like “Duel me. Lookit my big sword made by this master smith. I’ll even let you use it.”

Cardan’s like “I’m not going to fucking duel you, dude. And you better put that fucking sword down in my throne room, kay thanks.”

“Want me to put it down? Okay.” And he DRIVES the sword into the ground, which causes an earthquake so strong it makes the throne cut in half. Like this hundnreddsss year old throne that Cardan’s family has been protecting for generations, just destroyed. God Maddock is an ASSHAT.

Then Maddock starts spewing his shit like “Do you think your people actually care about you? Like your stupid murdered family ever cared about you? The only reason you accepted the crown was because you so desperately wanted to be accepted by your family. Your subjects don’t even like you. My army is super loyal. You suck. DUEL ME OR I KILL THE SEA QUEEN with my magic bullet that moves if I tell it to.”

Cardan has this interesting introspective moment and says “A king is not his crown. You’re right that loyalty or love shouldn’t be forced. But Elfhame shouldn’t be won or lost on a wager, either. You fuckin weird bloodthirsty old man.”

Cardan CRACKS THE BLOOD CROWN IN HALF and is like “The people shouldn’t swear loyalty to a crown. They should support the king they want to support. Your choice is your own.”

And boom, democracy is born in Elfhaim.

The folk are bowing their heads and nodding, totally on board the Cardan train. But then Grimsen interrupts everything by FREAKING OUT about his precious crown and how upset he is that it’s broken.

Jude remembers that everything Grimsen makes is cursed, just as Cardan’s eyes turn black, and the roses over the throne turn black, and his eyes start fucking BLEEDING BLACK and before she knows it, her adoring husband from the night before TURNS INTO A GIANT FUCKING BLACK SNAKE!!!!! *Pterodactyl scream* NNOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Grimsen says “It will poison the land. No true love’s kiss will stop it. No riddle will fix it. Only death.”

Maddock jumps on the opportunity and wants to kill the snake. Jude is like the FUCK you will. Her army seizes Maddock and his little posse. Snake Cardan bites and kills Grimsen, which kind of solidifies that his brain isn’t in there, because Cardan is very much against murdering people. It’s just pure chaos up in the throne room. There’s a cute part where Oak tries to save his mother with a little toy sword. Everyone runs away and the snake gets stabbed a little by Maddock but is okay, and it curls around the throne as Jude is dragged out the room.

Babygirl has herself a much-deserved panic attack. Grima Mog is like “Get a hold of yourself” and Jude says “I fucking will. I’m going to stand up. I’m going to be okay in a minute.” Grima is like “I know you will be.”

I like Grima Mog. I like her even though she’s like a bloodthirsty cannibal. What is it with this book and making me really like murderers?????

Alright so Jude immediately swings into badass bitch mode. Calls the Bomb. Tells her to go get intel on who out there is plotting her assassination and who is vying for the crown. She says not to ask questions. Murder anyone who looks like they’re trying to murder her. The Bomb is like yep. Roger that.  Calls her sister in. Tells Taryn she’s good at decorating things (like Locke’s house of debauchery). Asks her to make up a room to act as a throne room where she can talk to people and be scary and intimidating. Taryn is like yep. On it. She tells Grima Mog she is the new army general, because she doesn’t like the guy Cardan chose.

Jude gets all set up in her makeshift throne room since the real one is currently being guarded by a huge fucking snake. She sees the Living Council in there and starts planning on what to do about Maddock and his stupid fucking army and all of the courts that are currently splintering off trying to figure out who to be loyal to. She calls in Baphen and tells him to consult the stars for a way to cure Cardan. The Living Council is like “we should just kill the snake” and Jude is like “We’re not fucking killing the snake. Focus on Maddock.” So they talk that out and rally the troops.

Eventually the snake gets out lol it gets through the crack in the floor, and then runs around the land for a little bit doing snake stuff.

Wherever it touches rots and turns black. And people have gotten it in their heads that whoever slays the snake gets to be king, so it keeps getting attacked and killing indiscriminately. But eventually, it comes BACK because apparently the throne room is its den now. It curls around the broken throne and it’s snowing in there. The weather outside is also nuts and thunderstormy and hailing.

After her meeting, Jude enters the throne room and tries her hand at talking to the snake. She tries to see if there’s any recognition in its golden eyes, but there doesn’t seem to be. She tries to call on the land to heal him, but nothing happens. There’s a sweet part where she says out loud “Take my crown. Take my power. Take whatever you need, just heal him. Please.” — and even though the land or magic doesn’t answer her, I hope somewhere in there, Cardan heard her.

Okay so the prophecy said… that if Cardan ever came into the crown, the throne and the crown would be destroyed. But the prophecy also said that only if his blood is spilled, would a truly perfect leader emerge. I THINK this means that Jude is eventually going to have to slay the snake.

Jude hangs out in the snowy throne room with the snake for like HOURS until the Bomb comes. The snake has gotten used to Jude’s presence and doesn’t seem to want to attack her, so that’s something. It’s still impossible to tell if Cardan is in there though. I mean it doesn’t react to his name.

Anyway the Bomb says “Hi. I killed a ton of people that were plotting against you. You wanna come out of the snake room now?” And Jude says “Okay.” Just as Grima Mog comes back with word that Maddock wants to talk.

So they move her whole complicated throne set up outside because Jude is livid and doesn’t want these people anywhere near her fucking home and her cursed husband. I don’t know if I mentioned it earlier, but the people from the Court of Teeth are weird. They’re like ice faeries and they have this little girl who is their queen, but she’s just a puppet for her parents who keep her on a literal bridle. When they get there, the bridle is gone, but her skin is all scarred from where it was. And she’s in these horrible chains that look just as painful. Maddock shows up with that lovely family and isn’t wearing any armor.

He’s like “Hey. I never wanted to kill you. I actually quite like you. You wanna strike a deal? I’ll give you this bridle so you can control your snake husband. It was made by Grimsen and gives you complete control over whoever you want to restrain. That way you can remain queen and make sure your snake stops running around rotting the earth and killing anyone who tries to pierce its apparently impervious scales.”

Jude is like “You threw a bunch of men at it and figured out it’s unstoppable, didn’t you? What are you up to?”

“Make Oak marry this tiny icy abused child and you get the bridle.” Maddock says.

AND TO MY SHOCK AND HORROR, Jude is like “Okay.” — well she agrees to accepting the bridle on the terms that the war should be put on hold and it’s better for everyone if there isn’t a deadly toxic snake running around.

She doesn’t agree to the marriage. She agrees to have a bridling… event? Where she is going to attempt to bridle the snake, and if she wins then yay. If she fails and it kills her, then the armies are all gathered and can duke it out. She thinks Maddock is trying to rule through her the way she ruled through Cardan. Oh gosh I hope she’s up to  something and not actually considering putting that thing on the snake. That night, she throws a wadded up paper into the ocean that says “If you ever loved him, help me.”

Jude and the Bomb have a sweet convo and Jude goes to try to help the Roach, who is still poisoned. When Jude sees him, she’s horrified to find that he’s not just sleeping, he’s having like… nightmares. She tries to heal him, but the earth magic won’t come. The Ghost, who is part of the gang again (yay!) tells her not to force it, just let it come. AND IT DOES! The roach is back and confesses his love to the Bomb and it’s fucking adorable.

Jude takes the bridle to that old hag lady that once tried to trick Cardan into marrying her daughter. Now she’s good I guess haha. The hag tells her that if she followed the instructions Lord Nell or whatever his name is gave her, and tied her hair around the bridle, then she would have been bound to the snake as well. Basically, it was a trick that would have trapped both Jude and snake Cardan into servitude. Thank god she found this out.

Jude also visits Heather in the library who is researching snake-themed faerie tales looking for a clue. Heather tells her that she struck a deal with Vivi that when they go back to the human world, her memories will be erased. But Vivi will have to meet her again and win back her love. But do it properly this time and be honest about the faerie shit from the get-go. And if Heather falls in love with her despite that, she’ll get all her memories back. That’s super freaking sweet I love them.

There’s like a banquet before the snake bridling.

And Jude is doing her best to be a badass queen and make speeches, but she’s so nervous. She gets through it though. Her and Nicasia have this super sweet moment (after Kaye, Roiben’s lady punches her) where Nicasia is like “I know you’re a bloodthirsty monster who is only using Cardan for his power, but please save him. I beg of you.”

And Jude actually CRIES with her and says “Tell me the riddle I must solve. Tell me what to slay. What to sacrifice. And it’s done. I’ll do anything to free him. I promise you.” And they just stand there, two enemies, crying together and realizing how much they love this poor cursed snake boi.

Taryn and Vivi find a chest with some badass silver armor made for a woman, so Jude wears that to the big “snake bridling event” that is happening out in the woods somewhere.

The snake is out. Doing it’s thing. Turning the land to shit. The armies are gathered on either side, and everyone is watching Jude and waiting to see what happens. Will she bridle the snake or will she be eaten? It’s growing bigger too, so by now, it could swallow a car.

Jude has some internal monologue… where she actually wonders if bridling him is the right thing to do. She has no idea how to break the curse. This way, Cardan wouldn’t have to die. He’d be trapped as a poisonous snake forever, but at least he’d be by her side. But she also remembers what Cardan said before he got cursed. That no one should be forced to swear their love or allegiance. That’s the kind of thing you should decide for yourself. And she remembers that Cardan said something along the lines of “I was on my way to becoming Balekin. Becoming a monster. If I ever go down that path again, I want it to be you that ends me.” — SO SHE CUTS OFF THE SNAKE’S HEAD.

HE DEAD. There is blood EVERYWHERE.

And the second she does this, fighting breaks out. It’s just a bloodbath all around while Jude is in shock. Maddock’s army gets defeated because Nicasia shows up with the sea. But instead of trying to kill Jude, Maddock comes to help her up.

He tells her “You’ve already won. Look.” And turns her around to the snake where a bright golden light has emerged. And out of it steps naked-ass Cardan covered in blood and looking regal as hell.

“Only when his blood is shed will a great ruler emerge”

BOOM. He calls for the fighting to end and Jude runs and hugs him. They hang on to each other and it’s so sweet. THE BEST REUNION.

Someone literally is like “Welcome back, King! Here, you want this cloak?”

And Cardan goes “Nah. I haven’t worn clothes in days.”

And literally rides buck ass naked in the carriage, covered in blood. HAH. Like. Yeah nudity is a thing in Faerie world but alrighty. Here we go. Cardan is back and he’s not messing around.

Everybody gets a bath. The general mood is SO HAPPY and celebratory. There’s a big ole banquet where Cardan and Jude slip away to the pretty glowing mushroom room behind the throne (which he fixed with his magic and split into 2 chairs). They finally have a moment alone, and Jude blurts out “I love you.”

He’s like “You don’t have to say that out of pity.” — which breaks my heart. That he STILL thinks she hates him so much that she seriously never will love him. And he’s CONTENT with just being with her even if it’s just for power.

But Jude launches into this awesome, fumbling speech about how she liked him ever since they went out together during the revelrie, and he helped her learn about each court and how to win them over. She says being around him is fun. And walks through their whole history together to help him understand that despite her being a cold, unfeeling monster, she loves him to pieces.

And they kiss. And it’s fucking adorable.

Jude also asks him what it was like being a snake and he says it was hella weird. He definitely had an animal brain. And was filled with fear and strife and a feral instinct to kill indiscriminately. But he says, he knew Jude. That’s why he was calm when she came and sat with him. He always knew her. (Awww!!!)

The next day they have a formal coronation. Apparently 2 people have never ruled together. It’s always a king or queen who has a bunch of consorts. But they get the ceremony where the court gets asked if they accept their king and queen, and everyone says yes because Cardan is awesome and Jude is scary. But they like scary. Then they get to give out BOONS to all of the people that were loyal or traitorous.

Grima Mog gets to keep the earth-shattering sword and continue to be general. Taryn gets cleared of all charges even though she totally fucking murdered her husband. The ice princess with the bridle scars gets freed and her parents get put in her custody. And she gives a creepy shark-toothed grin that makes Jude think maybe her parents were keeping her in chains for a reason. But that’s their problem!

Maddock gets brought in and Jude sentences him to live in the mortal world for the rest of his days, and to forget the name he knows (she’s talking about the Ghost’s name). I like that her and Maddock totally come to this agreement. He’s like “Yeah, okay I lost. You’re absolutely a badass. I hate losing but I’m also pretty proud”. I think he was really sad when he thought he killed her. So this is a better punishment than getting executed for sure. Oriana decides to go with him and Oak is excited because he loves the mortal world and now his parents are going to live there too. YAY!

I love how this book ends. It ends with Jude and Cardan flying home with Vivi and Oak to the real world. And they find Cardan some normal clothes (a tshirt over his black pants) and they have a cute little party at Vivi’s apartment.

Heather is there and puts up a sign that is like “Congrats Newlyweds!” And says “Vivi has told me some wild things about ya’ll!” Jude just hugs her. They also got them a cake with little gummy snakes sprinkled on it. And Oak takes them to pick up pizza.

Heather also got everyone paper crowns, and there’s this cute part where Cardan tilts his paper crown at an angle, like he used to wear the Blood Crown and it makes Jude laugh. The book ends with them toasting to a new future, and pizza, and friends, and Cardan says “To scheming great schemes.”

I love that this is where we leave them. In casual real world clothes wearing paper crowns and eating gummy snakes.

Boy, I loved this book. I love the world building. I love the slow burn romance. The sexy times. I love that Holly Black makes me like and cheer for this cold hard bitch Jude. I love that Cardan, who at one time was SO NOT LIKEABLE it was CRAZY became one of my favorite characters in fiction.

I loved when that heel turn happened, when he was a prisoner of the spies, and was so cute and charming. We all fell in love with him at the same time Jude did.

Then we spent 2 books watching Jude be a complete idiot and be the last one in the world to realize how much he loved her. And how much she loved him. She loved him more than power, which was her single solitary goal this whole time.

This mortal girl overtook a bunch of magical immortals and it was completely believable and fun and baffling. Damn I can see why Holly Black is so highly regarded. That was SO GOOD. I am going to need a few days to digest this.

I just keep thinking of them all happy and celebrating together over pizza and paper crowns. EEEEE!!!

Deadass Rating: 9.5/10

[denizenhardwick]

I posted 5,707 times in 2022

That's 4,556 more posts than 2021!

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#bruh my dumb ass misread this as 'why is shooting ur friend (friendship edition) so much harder than shooting ur friend (romantic edition)'

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

my favorite thing in sky is when you become friends with someone and then they take your hand and just start taking you somewhere. where are we going? idk, but this is my bestie now, and i trust them. if we run into a dark dragon and get attacked, well, at least we're doing it together!

138 notes - Posted November 17, 2022

#4

it’s about being bitter and alone for years, isolating yourself form the world and other people because you’ve learned that friendship hurts, connection hurts, and no one would understand you anyways, right? so why bother? no one gets it.

and then! then you meet someone who does understand you. who does get it. and you fucking hate him. he is the most callous, selfish, insufferable asshole you’ve ever met but he fucking understands you better than anyone else ever has and you hate it. you hate that you see yourself in him because you don’t want to be like that anymore. you’ve grown, you’ve changed, is that really who you are? or who you were? because underneath all of that cruelness, you hold similar ideas about the world, but where you’ve started to look up and see the good in that world, he’s firmly stuck in the opposite direction.

this is what you could have become, and you realize it’s not what you want to be.

hnnnnn i’m going to shred a log between my teeth like i’m a woodchipper.

220 notes - Posted May 4, 2022

#3

for a game from 2007 with no explicit rep, twewy sure is queer as hell. one of the main characters is heavily gay-coded and literally every other mc can easily be read as queer in some way, from rhyme being referred to as “gender non-specific or something in the middle” during an interview, beat having a deadname and being considered a disappointment to his family, shiki’s insecurity manifesting in her inhabiting a body that literally isn’t hers, neku... okay, i actually can’t explain why he comes across so strongly as bi, but he does. and i think that’s all really, really cool.

also the fact that joshua’s character still holds up, even in 2022, is pretty fucking incredible. like, "gay-coded villain who constantly hits on the main character” is just straight-up a homophobic trope, but he’s not a homophobic caricature somehow. despite being very enigmatic, his character is handled with the same respect as everyone else’s and, importantly, he’s never portrayed as creepy or predatory. not even when we find out that he is the villain and he did kill neku.

idk. i guess i’m just glad that i can still enjoy twewy in 2022 without a blatant homophobic elephant in the room knocking shit over.

247 notes - Posted June 19, 2022

#2

it’s me boy i’m the ps5

403 notes - Posted February 28, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

don’t you hate it when that happens

464 notes - Posted January 17, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[samusangel]

this or that

this looked fun so 🙈

wind or rain / closed curtains or open window / bumblebees or butterflies / banana bread or cheesecake / tulips or roses / lemon & honey or apple & cinnamon / hillside cottage or city apartment / warm or cold / book or video game / organized bullet journal or cluttered sketchbook / smoothie or milkshake / sunshine or moonlight / relaxing or productivity  / holding hands or back hugs / sunset at the beach or stargazing in a field / poetry or prose / candle or diffuser / longing for the past or longing for the future / vocals or instrumentals  / snowy mountain or rolling green hills

tagging; @katsushimaa @cultsumu @kybabi @applepiekyuu @peachiikawa

This 👈 or 👉 that ?

wind or rain / closed curtains or open window / bumblebees or butterflies / banana bread or cheesecake / tulips or roses / lemon & honey or apple & cinnamon / hillside cottage or city apartment / warm or cold / book or video game / organized bullet journal or cluttered sketchbook / smoothie or milkshake / sunshine or moonlight / relaxing or productivity  / holding hands or back hugs / sunset at the beach or stargazing in a field / poetry or prose / candle or diffuser / longing for the past or longing for the future / vocals or instrumentals  / snowy mountain or rolling green hills

I really couldn't decide for some of them-

Thank you @purpleful for tagging me!!💞 My dumbass totally forgot about this tag😅🙈

I'm tagging @marculees @jwipwark @interstellix @seraphimguks @laebaesmued and anyone else who'd like to do it!!^-^💞

[beihonglin]

cake: on the table, ready to be decorated

shi zhan: this is still inedible, right?

[bittenaway]

anyways ill finish a drawing of these two ladies later

[feitanswife]

So seeing as I’m gonna have to redo three hours of gameplay (I’m setting timers to save every 20 min from now on. I’ve had the fear of god put in me)

I figured I’d give some organized thoughts…

WHAT DOES GAMEFREAK HAVE AGAINST SPIDERS. WHY IS ALMOST EVERY SPIDER MON EITHER MID OR TRASH???? LET ME HAVE COOL SPIDERS PLEASE

Holy Johto Batman! I haven’t had this much issue leveling up Pokémon since I actually beat heartgold for the first time (after owning it for like ten years and just resetting constantly)

But I guess that’s a good thing cause Lordy this game is DENSE! There is so much going on. I’m taking down gangs, im fighting giant crabs, im annihilating the shinx population for no reason, im getting badges???? It’s so weird to get three badges and be like “alright! I’m like 10% done with the game!”

I haven’t found a character I don’t like. The writing is PHENOMENAL!

I did however nearly get stuck ten separate times and actually get stuck in a glitch loop of two starly’s chirping forever and lose all my progress so.

The Pokémon designs are awful and I love them. I’m such a sucker for genuinely stupid Pokémon designs. I have a tumbleweed baby and I love her so much!!!!

Except for whatever quaxly’s middle evo has going on. Like I get what they’re going for but I dunno it looks like it’s made of balloons.

Someone really said “what if spiritomb was a capitalist and we made the wisp quest even more annoying?” And I ate it up like the bitch I am. Anything for a ghost type.

Brassius is the opposite of how I thought he’d be and I love it

I accidentally spoiled most of the plot but I have no idea HOW any of it happens so. That’s gonna be fun. It’s like getting a cryptic text that says “one of the people in this room will die in the next twelve days” yay Suspense!

Also uh…. Miraidon (aka Vivi the Munchasaur, terror of the picnic table, and my sweetest baby the bestest baby ever yes you are yes you are) is the best Pokémon ever. I’ve only had this dumb bike lizard for… ten hours but if anything happened to them I’d kill everyone in this school and then myself.

I maintain that Arven is just jealous that Vivi likes me more and that’s why he’s such a shit to them even though they’re just a baby and none of this is even their fault!

Speaking of my friends. Someone needs to take the caffeine away from Nemona! She’s really sweet! I like her! But she needs to calm tf down!

Penny will not be winning an Oscar for her performance. Neither will Clavell. I think I’m the only person with a brain cell in this trio.

Why tf did I have to fight a car. Who is this sad DJ man who apparently has issues with micromanaging people? Can I give him a hug I think he needs a hug.

Also I didn’t figure out that you can fast travel from the beginning until after I already beat two gyms and was freaking out cause the level curve was bonkers and the gym leaders aces were multiple levels above my cap. It didn’t need to be. I could have gone to the other side starting area at literally any time.

[samusangel]

tagging @katsushimaa and anyone else who wants to do it!!

which haikyuu woman are you

https://uquiz.com/Zmw82E <- quiz over here ! ! ! 

@akiiyukii​ @nekoglasses​ i tag you in everything haha but yes give me clout

if you see this reblog, it doesnt matter if youre tagged or not yahaha

by the way most characters from the anime are here ♥️ i know we love our underrated kings

[weare0ne]

𝗮𝗿𝗲𝘂𝗺’𝘀 𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽𝘀 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗲𝘅𝗼

𝗍𝖺𝗀𝗅𝗂𝗌𝗍- 𝗅𝗆𝗄 𝗂𝖿 𝗒𝗈𝗎’𝖽 𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝗃𝗈𝗂𝗇 ! -> @bigbrainenergytingz

suho (sureum):

you KNOW the nation’s leader takes care of his girl

she IS baby in his eyes and it will remain that way even when she's an old woman

they're close and she's lowkey his favorite (because she laughs at his jokes)

she relies on suho a lot and he does all he can to support her and care for her

it's hard being the only girl in EXO of all groups because they're literally royalty

so suho HYPES HER UP

was super clingy when he enlisted (she visits them all when they do) but god it’s CONSTANT texts shes crazy

lots of love with them

sureum things !

-> suho making sure she gets water first at concerts/shows/schedules

-> areum rubbing his back reassuringly when they clown him (even tho she does it too)

-> each other’s biggest cheerleaders

-> walking/biking together

xiumin (xiureum):

they have a really chill friendship and cute ass moments

she's his fan and they have lots of inside jokes

she was nervous around all of the members when she joined the group, but she found xiumin very approachable

she's Tiny and xiumin thinks it's so cute and looks at her with big, big love

Must Protect Them because they're so sweet and wholesome

areum didn't like coffee until xiumin made some for her .. to this day, she only drinks it if he makes it

SHE KNOCKED HIM OVER WHEN HE CAME BACK AFTER HIS ENLISTMENT SHE MISSED HER BAOZI

cuties !! best boy and best girl !!

xiureum things !

-> cleaning together, because theyre the best at it

-> café dates

-> picking each other for everything just to spite the others

-> maknae and fake maknae

lay (layreum):

no one, and i repeat NO ONE, should ever say that lay is no longer apart of exo

areum gets scary sometimes. she has and will still yell if someone dares to say that

she is the biggest fan of his solo work !! number one lay zhang stan

she thinks he is SO MF FUNNY. BUT whenever he says something dirty she hits his arm

he thinks she's adorable and always pats her head and tells her that she looks nice

before lay went to china they always had fun and went out together

always says hi to lay whenever exo is on a show or something and always mentions him in speeches

she's gone to china multiple times to visit him- he's one of her best friends, and she misses him so very much

layreum things !

-> random sightings of them walking around in the city

-> hugs and hugs and hugs

-> areum thinking lay is the funniest person to exist

-> lay being a smiley doofus because areum is so sweet and precious with him

baekhyun (baekeum):

they tease each other constantly and are always very involved with each other's lives

he got sad when she turned down the offer to be in superm, but he understands her desire to develop her solo career and be devoted to solely exo

makes it KNOWN that they all love their girl to death and that exo wouldn't be exo without her

so much pda !! they cling to each other a lot and there's lots of cheek kisses

they clarified, though, that they're purely best friends and baek told everyone sternly that it's not kind to be jealous or rude to areum just because they love him

vocal LEGENDS and he always hypes her singing

SHE hypes his solo career- name a bigger baekhyun stan. i'll wait.

besties, legends, the best

baekeum things !

-> being clingy and holding on to each other a lot

-> laughing fits and being a comedic duo

-> baekhyun being her actual embarrassing big brother

-> always going out of their way to promote each other

chen (reumchen):

the godmother of his baby

chen is the nation's dad, and he dads areum all the time

she got SO pissed when people were blacklisting him for his marriage and the baby

jongdae’s like. a dad figure for her but also her big brother

she’s VERY defensive of him and vice versa- he HATES areum hate

really really close with his wife too!! they’re besties nd hang out

they play around a lot and have background moments that fans notice and it’s SO funny

she makes sure to visit his wife and daughter a lot since he’s enlisted :(( tears were shed nd she misses him

reumchen things !

-> chen ruffling her hair

-> randomly harmonizing or singing

-> yelling when they talk it’s a problem

-> chen being a protective father

chanyeol (reumyeol):

chanyeol has been in love with her since he met her like. for nine years now. he’s been in love with her

chanyeol is a PUPPY he is SOFT he is A BABY when it comes to areum and E V E R Y O N E can tell that she’s the love of his life

SHE. DOESNT NOTICE. AT ALL. even lee sooman HIMSELF is like “get it together smh areum just love him already”

meanwhile shes like !! wow chanyeol is the sweetest he’s such a great friend !!

but he loves her so much he’d take friendship over just not having her in his life

yeah he’s pure asf when it comes to her .. for the most part hehe

they’ve gone on so many dates and hang out SO much it’s maddening

she’s the one who started calling him loey

and yes she cries/gets sad SO MF MUCH EVERY DAY because her best friend is enlisted and she can’t imagine spending that much time without him

reumyeol things !

-> cuddles and affection (a LOT more off camera)

-> areum refusing to leave him in the studio at night and falling asleep while he’s working

-> chanyeol being WHIPPED and going everywhere with her/helping her whenever he can

-> so many collabs/covers

d.o. (kyungreum):

the most popular ship (aside from reumyeol)

wbk kyungsoo is a gentleman and he showcases it when it comes to areum

protects her in public situations

he always makes her laugh and the way he laughs at her is !! so mf SWEET !!

they also were in be positive/positive physique together and had those kiss scenes 😳

chanyeol is convinced he’s secretly in love with her and vice versa

BUT the truth is that they’re just friends. the kiss scene made them laugh nd weirded them out but it looked good because it was ACTING

these nerds are just besties they have long talks and it’s 🥺 she cried so much when he enlisted and visited him and texted him lots

kyungreum things !

-> escorts her at events, gives her his coat to cover her, making sure she isn’t harassed in public

-> very comfortable with each other, especially after their kiss scenes

-> kyungsoo teaches her to cook

-> areum gives him advice about ✨girls✨ or helps him out when he needs it

kai (kaireum):

jongin and areum .. think of the SEXY ! on stage anyway

IRL THEYRE SUCH LIL PISSBABY NERDS. they’re just. teddy bears. softies

when they dance together it’s BEAUTIFUL it’s AMAZING it’s SHOW STOPPING their charisma on stage!! unparalleled!!

she’s said that kai’s voice is her most favorite in the group and that it has a pretty color to it

adorable playful sleepy buds

he wishes she had chosen to join superm with them :( but like baek, he gets it

she’d rather him wear crop tops than her (she hypes him in them when he gets shy)

she went undercover as one of the backup dancers in mmmh because he wanted her to and it was ICONIC especially because fans were just freaking out trying to put the pieces together

kaireum things !

-> linking pinkies

-> helping him to keep his relationships PRIVATE + areum shipping jenkai (which is still currently happening idc)

-> jongin being her stylist

-> LOUD HAPPY LAUGHS

sehun (sereum):

sehun never fails to make her laugh

but quite frankly even tho she is the youngest HE is still the maknae because he Just Is and everyone can agree

he will pout if she’s getting treated like the maknae he’s lowkey salty because he was SUPPOSED to be the maknae however he still loves her and they’re iconic siblings

they exchange lots of looks and gossip like crazy

areum LOVES dogs she loves the group’s pets but pretends to not like vivi because sehun has made him spoiled

they just sit and clown everyone and don’t give a single shit about it

they know all of each other’s business and even tho sehun thinks she is THE Dumb Bitch she’s HIS dumb bitch

if areum has to act cute or sexy he bursts out laughing

sereum things !

-> they expose each other on the daily

-> exo’s resident sassy mfs

-> lots of public dates

-> sehun shipping reumyeol but also thinking they’re dumb and he is very tired of it

[nessiancalore]

I can't even explain how my brain got to that conclusion but...I have a theory from how the acotar books will continue...

This theory involves spoilers from SJM sagas!!!!!

It begins with: Nesta has the power of death and all death gods are angels, that being said..let's go.

First, acotar's endings are very much...cute.

I know there's all the characters problems but the endings are too sweet and if you have read TOG and CCITY you know that SJM can have pity but not that much pity.....That made me think that the ending of Acotar is far from what we have seen so far....

I will divide this theory into parts to be easier to understand:

pt 1

There's two points in acosf that are the base of my theory:

point 1: she specifically mentioned that Rhys is doing research about other worlds (probably after Aelin showed him another world);

point 2: the fact that she made Nesta being able to have a child ---- BECAUSE:

If she mentioned it's something we will see happening ( it could not be ...but to me it's unlikely) and in case it does happen - due to the fact that they are on the brink of a war - it's very possible that this child will be born in the caos.

pt 2

She couldn't have mentioned the High king thing for nothing.

Rhys doesn't want to be king, Feyre certainly doesn't either, because it would be chaos and fighting between the High lords...

But

What if there were no more High Lords?

What if all the current ones die?

" They have heirs"

First of all, not all of them do.

Second of all, nothing prevents Koschei from killing some of them... My theory, this part, is based on this happening in the middle of war and chaos, maybe none of them have a choice but be in commanders.

Vivi and Feyre have babies

The Beron ones can easily die because they are on the wrong side of the war, they can be used as front line (I'm pretty sure Koschei gives zero fucks about the... Beron could die because of it too)... Thesan as far as I know doesn't have an heir, Tharion doesn't have one either, and Tamlin isn't even there anymore...

pt 3

Now let's think about this scenario:

A lot of people died... The courts are in chaos...

Nesta had a child in the middle of all this**

There are at least 3 prythian heirs (4 if you count lucien) under threat - because they have/will have the power of their parents, right? - And Rhys knows that there are other worlds, where these heirs may have a chance to live...

- emphasizing - in this scenario everything is in deep shit.

pt 4

In acosf Nesta lost most of her powers...but she has the power of DEATH.

If you take a second to think about it... There might be a way for her to still get her powers back

if she died...

And YES:

I think Nesta will die and Cassian with her BECAUSE ->

Besides the fact that SJM has made Cass say multiple times that "he is not afraid of Nes power", in acosf she wrote the following quote:

"A conquering warrior-god. He had called her Lady Death, and he was her sword".

What if they died and Nesta becomes a goddess of hell... and Cassian her "sword"? (Her knight, her protection... that's what I mean)

Did you let that sink in? Ok, let's go then.

The babies can be sent to other dimensions...

Nesta and Cassian die and command a part of hell...

Rhys is forced to become King and he and Feyre decide that the babies need to go somewhere else because they need a chance to survive...

Aidas (from ccity) is a prince of hell who is speechless when he notices Hunt's scent...

What if Hunt is one of the babies?

The children are sent to other dimensions. The Feysand baby may not have been shown to us in ccity yet...but what if the nessian baby has?

Jesiba and Aidas claim to know Hunt's father in the last scene of ccity. They would know the "sword" of a goddess of hell...

————————————————————————

Please tell me if I'm missing something (because I'm pretty sure I do)...This theory started with the fact that Hunt and Cassin are REALLY similar (not just the looks) and I don't know...it made sense and also the fact that Nesta has the same power of a Mala from tog so there could be something there..idk

Anyway...

I hope you enjoyed, feel free to call me crazy and dumb or whatever...

Stay hydrated, bye 😘