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octodrawn · 3 months ago

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Cringetober day 11: 5 + 1 things (fanfiction)

5 times Russell's hang-out plans went horribly wrong (and one time they didn't)

Or Russell Ferguson has like 5 mental health crises and breaks at least 2 laws but, hey, at least he got a pizza party

Content warning: not much, just a few swears (some in french) and as the above suggests, depictions of shitty mental health.

Rating: teen (see above)

Characters: Russell Ferguson, Pepper Clark, Sunil Nevla, Penny Ling, Minka Mark, Vinnie Terrio, Zoe Trent, and brief (implied?) cameos from Scout Kerry, Madison (girl who fills in for Blythe) and Captain Cuddles

Word count: ~3500

... is a change in section and --- is a time skip withing a section

This is technically just a rough draft so if there's anything you want to critique go ahead. I'd love to hear feedback.

OK, time for the actual fic! Yay!!!!

“Man, look at you go! And you were saying just a few hours ago that you didn’t want to go!”

Russell smiled to himself as he aligned the club and the ball “You know how busy I’ve been,” Russell said, making a graceful arc with his club as he took the shot “But, I’ve gotta admit, this is pretty fun!”

They watched the ball circle the hole before slotting in with a pleasant plunk.

“That’s par! Now, how many points am I winning by again?

“Yeah, yeah” Pepper scoffed and calculated the scores. “Hah! Don’t get too ahead of yourself, buddy. We’re tied right now!”

“So the windmill decides it all”

“Race ya!” Pepper said, already bolting for the final hole.

“Wait!” ---

“Birdie! Read it. And. Weep”

Two strokes. Pepper beat the windmill in two strokes. It didn’t help that Pepper was being such a braggart about it, but what could Russell do? How could he beat a score like that?

“You givin’ up or what?”

No. It can’t end like this. Russell would not let it.

“Like hell I am!’

All he needed was a hole-in-one. Just one shot to wipe that stupid smug grin off of Pepper’s stupid smug face.

Russell gripped the golf club, knuckles going white. One shot. Just one perfect shot. He shuffled his feet and focused on the timing. He took in a breath. One. Two. NOW

The ball exploded off the ground and flew right into the windmill’s blade, from where it ricocheted off like a bullet into…. The gift shop’s window, shattering it.

“Shit.”

“HAHAHAHAH Oh my god, oh my GOD!”

“Pepper.”

“Now I’ve seen holes in one before but that's the first time I’ve seen a hole in one WINDOW! AHAHAHA!”

“Pepper! Run!”

That’s when Pepper saw the cashier, scrambling towards them, metal golf club in hand.

“Holy moly!”

And so the two of them ran into the night.

“This means I win, right?”

“Pepper!”

…

“Here’s your wristbands. Enjoy your visit to the Downtown City Museum of Arts, sirs.”

“Yes, we will. Have a wonderful night!” Sunil said, putting on his wristband then helping Russell with his own.

“Oh! Thank you,” Russell said “Now, according to this map, the reception for the new Egyptian exhibit should be…” he examined the map that, when unfolded, took up his entire wingspan.

“That way?” Sunil pointed towards the crowd of people walking towards a door decorated to look like the entrance of an ancient tomb.

“Well, I was just about to say that, but yes,”

They entered the exhibit and Russell immediately got the sense he was underdressed for the occasion. He buttoned a few of his top buttons and tightened his tie. He looked over to his friend to inspect his outfit, but more noticeable was the fear on his face.

Russell tapped his shoulder and Sunil leaned over. “Hey. I know you don’t do well with crowds. If at any point for any reason you want to leave, just let me know, okay?” he whispered.

“Thank you, Russell, but I believe I will be fine.” Sunil replied ”as long as you stay by meeeEEE” as he was finishing his sentence, Sunil was swept away in a tour of excitable tourists.

Russell tried to follow them but he kept on getting cut off by other visitors. By the time the gallery’s curator began talking, he had completely lost sight of Sunil.

“He’ll… he’ll be fine on his own. I hope”

Russell turned his attention to the speaker to distract himself from his worrying. “And here behind this curtain, we have the pride of our collection; the Pharaoh’s eye. This gem is the only thing that remains of the death mask of a great, nearly forgotten, ruler of ancient Egypt. It has even been said that it can grant the wish of any who hold it” the curator said with a flourish “Of course, that’s just an old wives tale” she said, chuckling along with the audience.

At that time, Russell noticed a few slips of paper fall from the rafters. Confetti? No. it seemed to just be these few pieces. ‘How strange’, thought Russell. He turned back to the curator.

“And now, it’s time to reveal the Pharaoh’s eye,” the curator said gleefully and she pulled the curtain up to reveal an empty case. A wave of shocked gasps came from the crowd.

“You’ll never have the Pharaoh’s eye, Dr. Disguise!” Shouted a voice that seemed somehow familiar to Russell from above.

“Muahahaha!” Laughed the old woman standing next to Russell who pulled off her latex mask to reveal a young woman with an eyepatch and a mirthful grin “Oh, Secret Agent Scout, it’s already in my grasp! If you want it so bad, come and get it!” The woman in the rafters grabbed a hold of one of the decorative vines from the wall and swung into Dr. Disguise causing many audience members to scream and run. Scout picked up the jewel from the knocked down Dr. Disguise and ran out the door, quickly followed by the now recovered villain.

Too shocked to move, Russell was left as one of the only people in the room. He jumped when a hand grabbed his shoulder, but he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw it was just Sunil.

“You know what you said about leaving any time? I think I would like to leave now.”

“Yes, I do think that that would be for the best”

…

“39, 23, and 176, right?”

“Yes, now put the code in!”

Penny Ling stared at the treasure chest for a second, fingers hovering above the number pad.

“What’s wrong, Penny Ling?” Russell turned from the scrawlings of the ‘ancient mermaid language’ on the cave wall. In reality, they were at the newest attraction of the dying Downtown City mall, the Escape Room. This month, the Escape Room was apparently doing a shipwreck theme. Russell had been wanting to go for a while, but it was Penny who finally invited him.

“It’s just… you’re the one who did most of the work. You should do the honors”

“Penny, it doesn’t matter who does it, I just want to get this done!” When Russell saw Penny begin sniffling, he changed his tone instantly “Not that I’m not having fun! I had a blast! Here, I can do it and then we can split a giant pretzel and an overly sugary lemonade, okay?”

“That sounds like a plan,” Penny said, stepping back and rubbing her eyes.

Russell gave her a reassuring smile and squatted down to open the chest. “39, 23, and 176,” he muttered to himself as he rotated the wheels of the lock. With the final digit, there was a click. Russell put his fingers under the edge of the lid but when he tried to lift the lid, it didn’t budge. He tried again and again, but the top refused to move.

“Are you okay?”

Russell didn’t want to admit it, but he was not particularly strong. Maybe Penny would have a better chance.“Can you try to open the chest?” he asked

She does so. Nothing.

“Well,” Russell starts, feeling his heart begin to race and his jaw begin to clench “That is not good.”

“Maybe you missed a clue?” Penny suggested.

“Missed a clue? MISSED A CLUE??? Penny, enlighten me. Where, exactly, in this 10x10 ft. box could I have missed a clue?”

“Russell, you’re freaking out”

“Of course, I’m freaking out! We are trapped in this room! No way to escape! It’d be one thing if I was here alone, but you’re here too! And now we’re gonna be stuck here forever!” Russell said.

Penny pulled Russell into a hug. Normally, he’d wriggle away after a few seconds, but whenever he was stressed or tired, a hug from Penny Ling always helped. Penny guided Russell over to the captain’s quarters and they sat down. “We aren’t going to be stuck here forever. When the timer runs out, the employee will let us out again”

“Yeah, but-” Russell stopped himself. He felt like a little kid, whining because he couldn’t have what he wanted.

“Mm-hm?” Penny played with his hair as he leaned on her shoulder.

“I mean like… well… If we don’t get out soon… We won’t get the best time,” Russell felt so stupid saying it. “I-I wanted to get that gift card. I wanted to thank you for always being there for me… like you are now,”

“That doesn’t matter to me. I was just happy to be here with you. Now, let’s just rest until the time is up”

“Yeah… ”

---

“Oh…” the teenage worker of the Escape Room said, despite displaying no emotion on her face except boredom “You got tripped up at the treasure chest, too?”

“That thing is totally broken”

“You’ve gotta slide the lid, not pull it up”

“What?”

“We put a sign up and everything,” the worker said, pointing at the sign right next to the chest that did, in fact, say to slide the treasure chest lid. Penny looked at Russell, worried.

“WHAT THE FU-”

…

If you asked Russell Ferguson what his ideal Sunday plans were, he could draft up a list in a matter of minutes, sorted in alphabetical order, of course. One thing that would not be on that list, however, is sitting in the freezing office of a very angry park ranger with a pair of idiots. The only sound was the ticking of the clock echoing on the mahogany walls and tile flooring until one of them spoke up.

“Man, Rusty. I didn’t know you had it in you! I mean, you, smacking a cop? No one’s gonna believe me!” Vinnie said.

“He’s not a police officer! He’s a park ranger! A-and I didn’t smack him, he ran into my hand, while I was trying to stop YOU from fighting him!” Russell tried to defend himself. “And don’t call me Rusty. I’m mad at you right now…” he grumbled the last part as he buried his face in his hands.

Minka looked between her two friends and said “C’mon guys, you don’t need to fight!”

“We’re not!” both protested.

“I’m just trying to lighten the mood,” Vinnie scoffed

A moment of silence.

“You know, I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for you two”

“Oh, I’m sorry I wasn’t gonna let Minka get yelled at by some random guy”

“She was climbing a statue of the city’s mayor. A statue with a sign at the bottom clearly saying ‘do not climb’!” Russell exclaimed “And he’s not some ‘random guy’, he’s a park ranger who was, you know, doing his job?”

By this point, they were glaring at each other. Minka knew better than to get in their way when they reached this stage of their bickering. It had been a long day for all of them. It was almost a miracle that this was the worst thing that had happened during their little picnic. All of them had just about reached the end of their patience and Minka, despite her normal morals, was fine with the two of them taking it out on each other.

Vinnie rolled his eyes and slumped back into his chair. “You know,” Vinnie said, staring more at the mounted stag head on the wall than who he was talking to, “I don’t think you are being a very good friend right now”

“Why you!” Russell grabbed Vinnie by the collar.

“Are they yours?” a different voice echoed through the hall.

“Zoe! And Mr. Schmitt, of course!” Russell dropped Vinnie and smiled.

Zoe pinched the bridge of her nose and said “Yes. I’m so sorry for their… misbehavior today. I am sure they didn’t mean any harm, right?” She looked at her friends.

They all shared various words of agreement.

“Well, if you say so.” Mr Schmitt said and addressed the troublemakers “look, I’m not going to report this, but if you ever do anything this stupid again, I will have you punished under the full extent of the law, am I clear?”

“Yessir!” Minka said as she saluted and skipped out of the room, followed by Vinnie and Zoe, leaving Russell behind.

“Sir, I am so incredibly sorry. It will never happen again, I swear,” Russell pleaded.

“Just leave”

“Yes, sir,” Russell said, dragging his feet as he left.

…

“I’m really sorry about yesterday,” Russell repeated himself for the 5th time that day.

“I’ve already told you, I forgive you. Besides, I have a system where each of my friends get one bail from jail free. That reminds me; Minka owes me one.” Zoe said as she got her phone out, probably to tell Minka about her debt.

“But… I feel like I should be doing something for you”

“You’re paying for dinner, isn’t that enough?” Russell opened his mouth to speak but Zoe cut him off “And I won’t have you complaining that it’s ‘not fancy enough for me,’ Any meal with my friend is one I’m happy to have”

They both set down their menus and waited for a waiter to notice them.

“Here are your drinks. Are you ready to order?”

“I’ll be having the village salad” Zoe handed the menu off to the waiter.

“And you?”

“Can I get the veggie gyro? Hold the goat cheese please” Russell did the same.

“Oh! And for appetizers, could we get two saganaki, please?”

“It will be right out”

---

They waited for a few minutes, sipping their drinks and soaking in the atmosphere.

Russell decided to break the silence “So, what is saganaki?”

“It's this delicious fried cheese dish. You will just love it!”

Russell processed for a second. “Zoe. I’m lactose intolerant.”

“Oh. Oh!” She started to get up from her chair “I’ll let the staff know to cancel that order right now,”

“No. I mean, no need. I can have a little dairy, but I’ll be fine as long as I go home like right after this because- wait actually I am not gonna finish that thought”

“Yeah”

Surprisingly, Russell’s digestive issues were not great dinner conversation so the conversation ended there.

In the quiet, Russell began remembering all of his previous outings with his friends. All of them had ended pretty disastrously. Maybe today his bad luck would end. Maybe he could just have a good meal without anything going wrong. With that, he looked up, meeting his eyes with a flame. A fire!

“Watch out!” As fast as he could, Russell threw his water at the fire. When he realized what was actually happening.

“Aah!” the waiter threw the now sizzling cast-iron pan he was holding and it fell onto his dress-choe clad foot “Merde! Putain de merde! How do you say… Motherfucking shit!” he exclaimed, hopping on one foot.

“Oh no… Oh no, oh no, oh no” Russell began to panic. “I’ve gotta get out of here. I’ll just ruin something else if I don’t” he mumbled as he pushed himself out of chair and ran out the door. Zoe looked down at the poor french waiter, and then at the door. She sighed and followed after her friend.

“I’ll be back, I promise” she said to the staff as she rushed out the door.

Russell was hopping in the front seat of his car “Don’t get close. Knowing my luck, you’re just gonna get hurt,”

“Russell. Everyone has bad days, but that’s no excuse to not own up to your mista-

“I’m going to lock myself in my house and never come out. Goodbye Zoe.”

With that, he sped off.

“Russell Ferguson! Come back here!!! Russell, you’re my ride!!!” She frantically waved at him and tried to chase him down.

As he drove further and further, Zoe stopped running. “I hope he’s not being serious,”

…

“He was being 100% serious,” Zoe explained.

“Maybe he’s just taking a five day long nap? I’ve done that before” Vinnie said, reaching for the pizza boxes.

Sunil swatted his hand away “Vinnie, that was a coma.”

“Oh, yeah that's what they called it”

“If he’s in a coma, then we really need to hurry up!” Penny said, starting to speed walk ahead of the group.

“Uh, Penny? I don’t think he’s actually in a coma,” Pepper explained.

“Then why hasn't he called me back yet?” Penny Ling turned back around to the group with misty eyes.

“Because he hates us?” Vinnie suggested, which earned him a jab in the ribs from Pepper.

Zoe shook her head and walked up the steps to Russell’s apartment building. “Would you guys please get it together? This is important,” She went to press the doorbell before being interrupted by Minka

“Oooh! Oooh! Let me do it, LET ME DO IT!!”

“It’s all yours”

And so she rang the doorbell in a way some might call excessive.

A few muffled stops and clicks came from behind the door. In the crack of the heavily latched door, there was a single, tired eye.

“You aren’t doordash.” the door began to close, but Minka put her whole weight against the door.

“Nuh-uh, Mister. You aren’t getting off the hook that easily”

“You want food? We have pizza! Sunil! Show him the pizza” Zoe hissed. Sunil did so and Russell stopped pushing on the door.

“Fine,”

After about a minute unfastening various locks, Russell held out his hands to receive the pizza, but was met by six people scurrying into his house while the door was open, knocking him over in the process.

Russell just sat there on the ground, his friends eyes staring through his skin. He didn’t want to be seen like this. His clothes were stained and ill-fitting. His eyes were red and sore from lack of sleep. He hadn't shaved in days, and worst of all, his hair was greasy and unspiked. He felt disgusting. He wanted to curl into a ball and disappear, but the best he could do was bring his knees to his chest and bury his head in his arms.

Somehow, he grumbled out some words “What are you guys even doing here”

“Russell Ferguson,” Zoe addressed him “We want to know- no we need to know, why you have been ignoring us for the last week.”

Russell looked up at the group, thought for a second, and shriveled away once more.

Penny walked closer and sat on the shag carpet right next to him. She put a gentle hand on his quaking back. “Russell, what she means is we’re worried about you! When you didn’t talk to us, we got really scared. Vinnie thought you died!”

“I didn’t think he died! I thought he was in a comma!”

“Coma.” Zoe corrected

“Whatever”

“Look, that isn’t what’s important right now” Pepper said, sitting criss-cross across from Russell. “Just let us know what’s up, and we’ll leave you alone, okay?”

The others looked at each other and joined the circle. Russell shifted his weight from side to side, but didn’t emerge from his ball.

“I… I can’t hang out with you anymore. I only cause problems. I take things too far. I’m bossy. I can’t take a joke,” his voice started to break, scratchy from no use “I’m the fucking worst. A-and I can’t understand why you don’t hate me,”

“C’mon, you know it would take a whole lot more than that to make us hate you” Minka said as she ruffled his hair.

“And you are saying this like we don’t all have our own faults! Pepper is unfunny, Zoe is totally self-absorbed, Vinnie is-” Sunil stopped when he saw the looks he was getting. He flushed and cleared his throat “I do believe I made my point,”

“Besides, I had a lot of fun hanging out with you, even if it did end with us getting chased down!” Pepper said.

“I think you should punch more cops!” Vinnie added. Pepper readied her elbow for another rib-jabbing when a quiet chuckle came from Russell. Soon it changed from a chuckle to a chortle to a full on laugh, lifting his head up to see the world again. “Hahaha! How many times are you gonna change that story! Soon I’m gonna be having a full on brawl with the police chief!”

He looked at his friends’ expressions of confusion and cheer and somehow, he began to feel more normal. “Thank you all so much, and I’m really sorry for acting the way I did-” before Russell could finish his thought he was engulfed in what could be described as half a tackle and half a group hug.

“Who’s ready for pizza?” Penny Ling asked, after a few good moments of the impromptu dogpile cuddle session.

“PIZZA!” the group collectively yelled, pushing and tripping over each other to be the first to get to the food.

Russell was left alone, brushing himself off. He looked at them all and smiled. ‘Maybe tonight won’t be so bad after all’, he thought.

The End

------

WOOOHOOO it's finished!

I know this isn't the greatest literary work of all time, but I'm proud of myself for actually completing and posting a fic for once in my life. Again, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this ^_^

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