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deadlyflan · 2 years ago

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PROMPT FIC: Just One Bed

@infuriatedleprechaun asked:

🩹 tending each others wounds 🍦 lovers to enemies 🛏 1 bed

BayVerse Raphael x Reader

Rating: PG-13 + Gender: Neutral + TW: Blood, Swearing, Police

“Are you sure there’s only one bed?”

Ikea packaging blocked front door to your brand new apartment in a fire hazard heap of cardboard and styrofoam. White laminate plywood lay in scattered stacks around the room.

It was your brand new studio apartment. That’s what the listing had called it, anyways. More like a closet apartment. Raph had barely fit through the only window and there was no way he was going to fit into your bathroom. The good news was that the kitchen, the office, the living room, and your bedroom could hold him! Because they were all one room.

“Yesss… Um. One FRIHETEN.”

He gave you a flat stare. “And what is that?" He pointed around at the various piles. "Which is that?…”

“The FRIHETEN is my new sleeper sofa bed! And it’s that pile in the middle.” You wiggled past him in your shortest short shorts with a wink.

He promised to help you put your apartment together tonight on the understanding that you two would immediately break in every surface. So far, there didn’t appear to be many surfaces. Pretty bare in here. Still, your energy was high and he got to watch you bent over Swedish mystery furniture. He kicked off his shoes and lightened his belt. He was in for the long haul.

“Oh! Here are the VINLIDEN!” Your tank top had slipped down and was that a nip-slip? He reached excited hands towards you, ready to steady you with a romantic hand-on-the-ass. You handed him a bag of sofa feet instead.

He squinted at the four wooden cubes, then held the bag up higher to read the package.

WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!

“GEEZU—“ Raph jerked his arm down out of the ceiling fan. It swayed back and forth, making the lights dance with it.

“No no, I’m the one putting together the GEZZU… GEEHZZU? JEHGUZU—? Whatever they called the folding desk,” you teased. You waved one of a dozen allen wrenches towards another stack of alphabetized particle board. You watched him with worried eyes. “You okay up there, big fella?”

“Yeah, yeah. Stupid thing.” Rubbing his arm and sparing a death glare for the ceiling fan, Raph ducked down and waddled forwards around a third and fourth heap. “So then, what’re these? Why’d you pull everything out at once?”

“I got excited.” Such a cute little shrug! Your tank top was barely hanging on! “And ambitious, since I’ve got New York’s handsomest helper tonight.”

Another wink! Ha! You were gonna kill him. “But that’s two TERJE and a BOAXEL.” You were gonna kill him with Swedish furniture.

“I’ll say ambitious. You worked all day, you wanna put together this here entire EU, and still expect to have juice for the two of us?” His raised brow demonstrated his thoughts on the likelihood of that. Raph would still help! He was a turtle of his word. But if this whole night was an 8 hour teasing session? Woof.

Donnie had offered to pitch in, and looking at all this, another two hands would have been nice. But Raph had indicated that this would be naked furniture assembly, and Don’d backed off. The naked part might still happen, but Raph might have screwed himself. Go figure.

Oh well. No way two turtles and furniture would have fit inside this freaking lunchbox you were renting. Raph lifted the edge of the FRIHETEN sofa bed thing and snatched out the instructions. He took a healthy step back, making room to work. Raph’s shell and sai collided with the fridge.

CRRRRACK!

You sat up sharply from your JEHGUHU(?) desk assembly. “Raph. What was that?”

Raphael held very still. “Um. Your fridge?”

“My fridge?” You stood up and picked your way through the furniture field. “What makes a fridge go ‘CRACK?’” Why had you opened this stuff all at once? What foolish thing to—“WHOA!!” Your heel caught the edge of a stack of wood and the plank went sliding! “Oh SHI—“

SMACKCRUNCH!!

You flailed and fell face first into Raphael’s wall of a bicep. The smack was your dignity. The crunch was your nose. You reeled backwards, clutching your face. Eyes streaming, you stumbled and CREEEEAKKRUNCH!

Raph pulled his shell out of the front of the fridge!

He lunged to catch you, huge feet coming down on the bones of the FRIHETEN. He held you tight to his chest, bent over you, heart hammering. You couldn’t see a thing between your tears and Raph’s plastron, but somewhere a high-pitched WHEEEEEEEEEEZE buzzed in your ears. It blended with a CRREEEEAAAK—

CRASH!! RATTLE!! SHAKKLE!! CRUNCH!! PLINK! PLINK! PLINK!

The neighbor banged on the wall.

WHAMP! WHAMP! WHAMP!

“Knock it OFF over there!!!”

Raph still hadn’t moved. In the silence, smaller things shifted with a TINK TINK THUD. The weird WHEEEEEZE hadn’t stopped either. You could taste blood. Nose blood. Great.

“BDaph?” You sounded ridiculous now. “BDaphael?” You wiggled a little, but the big guy wasn’t moving. “Wus dat dhe fbdridge?” You’d never heard a fridge full of the next two weeks’ groceries fall over before, but if you had to put a soundboard together… it would sound a lot like that.

“WWHHHHEEEEEZZZzzzzzyes.” Raphael gasped an inhale for the first time since his lunge. He breathed in huge heaving gulps.

You struggled your way free, one hand still over your gushing nose bleed. “BDraph?! What’s wdrongk?” Your foot slid off a bloody piece of TERJE and your ankle rolled like a cinnabon. “YIKE!” You’re down on your ass with hard SLAP of short-short cheeks on laminated board. Nose blood staining your shirt, your carpet, your FRIHETEN.

Wait… the FRIHETEN. That wasn’t nose blood coming out from under Raph’s foot. Oh. Oh no.

“BDraph?… Fuckg. BDraph?! Is your— is the— through your—?“

Breathlessly, “Yeeeahhh. Yeah. It is.” He looked down, and it was a mess down there. What was his blood, what was yours? “Look. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Look. I’m. I’m gonna stand up and get. Get my shell cell.”

“Uhb Huhb.” You were okay with this plan so far. Your ankle was starting to swell. You were hanging on to calm with your fingernails. “O-Okay.”

“I’m gonna.” He moved and froze. That hurt like a sunovabitch! “FUCKING SHIT!! GODDAMIT!!”

The neighbor banged the wall again.

WHAMP! WHAMP! WHAMP!

“I’ll call the fuckin’ cops! See if I don’t!”

If Raphael weren’t an enormous mutated turtle, you could tell the neighbor to call for help, but the best you could do is a tearful, “DSORRY!!” Hopefully he won’t call the cops on you anyways.

Raphael, face shifting colors with the effort of staying silent, shifted his weight with a wince, reached back to the pile of his stuff, and snagged his shell cell. With relief, he hit speed dial. He stood up straight and caught the blade of the ceiling fan to the side of his face.

WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!

“FUCKING FUCK!”

“…um…. Hello? This is Mikey speaking. It’s a good thing you called, cause we’re all out of fucks right now, Mr. Too-Good-For-Weekly-MarioKart—“

“Mikey! For—Knock it off! Put Donnie on the phone.”

“Oh, you wanna talk to who? Leo? Sure thing, Raph.”

“DO NOT DO THIS TO ME—“

+++++++ EPILOGUE +++++++

Leonardo and Michelangelo came to collect and bandage Raph, who now loathes your apartment, your neighbor, and all things Swedish. There will be no booty calls at this address. It is anathema. The words Raph used were ‘fucking cursed.’

The neighbor did call the cops, but by then, April was there to take you to the ER for X-rays. She smoothed things over: you had a terrible furniture accident that was witnessed by your boyfriend via video call--that's why there was a male voice yelling. He called your local friend (her) and now you were going to the ER. Go home, policeman. Get bent, neighbor.

Donatello cleaned and assembled as much of your furniture as he could. The BOAXEL and one TERJE survived. The rest… not so much. However, clever turtle that he was, he staged some photos to explain the fridge damage and documented that the fridge wasn’t properly anchored to the wall per New York City’s rental laws. Your landlord owes you big money and a new fridge.

Michelangelo circled back before dawn and cleaned up the food mess leaking out of the fridge. He left a folding cot and some TV trays. He even set them up for you.

April loaded some grocery money on a gift card for you. You can pay her back later if you want.

But you cannot wear those short shorts around Raph anymore. He gets flashbacks.

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