#very personal post for dangerghost20

[dangerghost20]

Long Post #1 (other will be another date)

I have struggled to write this out multiple times. Some people know the basics of what I am about to reveal. I think what I am about to reveal has been the reason for some of the problems in my life. I have been to a therapist about it and dismissed after one session saying it was just stress (I don’t trust them now. Just the attitude about it.). I was urged by a great friend to go after having a meltdown during freshman year of college trying to write a paper (having the professor called my first paper the worst thing he had ever read). To sum up, I am a survival of mental and physical child abuse. 

I think some details should be involved here because it was both by my mother and father (they divorced right after I was born). Let's start with my father, because he did so much with little time. I have a problem with food, and I know it. It really comes down to what my father would do. I would have my breakfast, lunch or dinner sat in front of me and be told, and I quote, “You have five minutes to finish the meal before I take it away and throw it in the trash.” One distinct plate had a whole hamburger, fries and some type of vegetable (I was like 6 here). I learned to eat a whole plate of food in under five minutes. This is not healthy and to this day I can still do. I have to think about eating slowly. When I eat fast I get hungry more often and will snack. I also got starved for a whole day because I was a kid taking a bath, farted and poop came out (I tried to get it in the toilet before he saw, but no luck. I also got my ass whipped for it too). It has been known in my family that I am extremely scared of snakes, even by him. As a kid, he had my bedroom as the same room as his snakes, meaning I would not sleep. He would even force me to have it on my lap for hours, where I would sit as still as possible. As I got older, I was told “If you want to have a relationship with your father, you should be the one calling me.” I am sorry, but that is not how a parent should act. I have not heard from him since my high school graduation, which I was forced to invite him to and interact with afterwards, at the family get together.

If I wrote about everything my mother did to me, you would be reading for days so these are some highlights. I should mention that all this happened by the time I was in fifth grade (11 years old) and due to some family members stepping in, help was given. My mother did get help and after a couple years of not having custody, it was granted back when she remarried to my step-dad. It is related to my mother’s drinking and one reason I have to watch how much I drink (afraid I will be just like her). 

Some of the events that stand out are the following. Multiple times I would be whipped with a leather belt (sounds normal but the amount of times and degree it was done is not) but so bad that my ass would be bleeding. One time she made me sit in front of a fan on my ass because of the whipping while she had friends over and they laughed at the site while drinking. I was always told I was fat (as a kid) and because she thought this, one of my punishments was I was not allowed to eat anything but jello for a whole week and drink only water. Thanks to my sister sneaking me food, I was able to have something more. I was dragged across payment for 50 to 100 feet, causing a road rash on my legs that took two weeks to heal. I have been hit, kicked and punched as I slept on a futon. I was told that I was stupid and would never become anything and no one will ever love me (Still struggle with that last statement and so when some of you give me compliments, it is hard for me to take them serious). I was told by my mom she wished I was never born. 

It took years for me to forgive my mother, but I do not forget. Imagine hearing an 8 year kid crying in a closet because his mother was coming to get him from his grandparents house saying “I wish I was dead.” I did that and my grandmother had to hear it after I would spend the weekend at their house. My mother has never apologized for what happened but only has mentioned what has happened once in a sleeping pill induced talk. I am great with reflection in my life. I know that some of my issues (body, self, confidence, delay understanding who I am) all relate to my past. I know some of my past has allowed me to become as successful in my career as I am today, but I think it has always delayed a lot of things for me. 

One thing I should mention, about people who have been abused as a kid, we hide it all. No one knew this was going on, outside of my family and even they did not know all of it (just what they witnessed). I learned to have a fake smile to not show the pain inside. In a class in high school we read a book called “I Child Called It.” It was about a kid being abused and it meanted the fake smile. The other people in class disagree that a kid would do that. It got to me so much that I actually verbally told them they were wrong. When pressed why I believed it by the teacher, I said, and I quote because I remember, “Because I was abused and none of you knew because I always had a smile on my face.” The room went silent and we went to quiet reading time (but I was never called to the guidance office about it which is so strange). I learned to hide the injuries on my body and not let it show when I could not sit down (choose to stand) or walk well (saying I did not want to play). I learned to fend for myself. I could not have friends over so I lost friends from not being open (why I try to be open now but also why making friends is hard for me). I learned to lie to hide everything which lost me friends (that is why I am honest now but that always loses friends too). 

I am not posting this for sympathy. I think it is time to stop hiding my past and letting it run my life. I still have trouble loving anyone fully. I have issues that I need to work through. I can’t let this define me anymore. (Note: I am crying about this right now because it is painful to talk about). I don’t talk about my religion much but it has helped me through much of it. It is why I struggled coming terms with who I am, sexuality wise, because I could not lose that part of my life. 

Please do not act differently to me. When I have revealed this before to a friend, they acted like they had to walk on eggshells with me. It happened and I do deal with it daily in some way or shape. I still have mastered the fake smile and still hide my pain. But don’t let it change what you reblog, like, ask or message. I am still the person you already know, just know a little better. 

[thesadboisguidetolife]

19 Questions and a Selfie

I got tagged by the sweet, kind, gorgeous @vidibit so here we go!!!

What do you prefer to be called? Haha so i actually dont have a preference. I kinda just leave it to whoever im talking to. That and a lot of Latinos just use nicknames for friends and ive had tons of those.

When is your Birthday? July 12. ♋ 😊

Where do you live? Haha ok but youre not getting my credit card number. I live in a suburb of Los Angeles, California.

Thing youre doing right now? I was working on some music and had The Birdcage playing as background noise when i first started on this but i put it in my drafts to finish later and now im at work lol

Four Fandoms that have piqued your interest? The Last Airbender for sure, Steven Universe is good, love me some Batman, Lord of The Rings too.

How has the Pandemic been treating you? I mean its been up and down. Got to spend a lot of time at home which was really really nice. Lost a lot of people, which......wasnt so nice. Also not doing that thing anymore where i put off hobbies that i love for "some other time."

A Song you cant stop listening to? Currently? Empire Ants by Gorillaz ft Little Dragon

Recommend A Movie? Oooohhh well im rewatching The Birdcage and its so good 😭 that scene with Armand and Albert on the bus stop always gets to me.

How old are you? 31 omggggg i feel so freaking old!!!!

School, University, Occupation? I am a cook 😊

Do you prefer to be hot or cold? Oh 100% cold. Haha without question. I can wear layers. And i can cuddle on the couch with a blanket on. Hot tea. Cold all the way.

Name a fact others may not know about you. I have Poland Syndrome. 🤷‍♂️ haha its like a minor case but i was born without my right pectoral muscle and its definitely caused body image issues lol.

Are you shy? Haha absolutely. But ive had to come out of my shell because of work. You cant exactly be shy and shout orders around a kitchen.

Pronouns? He, him, they, them mostly but she, her on occasion. Im all over the place. Lol

Biggest Pet Peeve? Mean people. People who enjoy being assholes to others in any way shape or form. Like, it cost you nothing, literally not a single cent, to be a decent person and you choose otherwise!?!? Unless you're one of those people that want me and my friends and family dead because of who we are. Y'all can drop dead. And you know exactly who i mean.

Rate your life from 1-10. 7 is a pretty safe number haha like im very grateful for all the stuff i have in life. My immediate family is still healthy. I have a job. And the amount of amazingly beautiful, kind, sweet people who I've gotten a great chance meet here. Seriously though. You guys are amazing and i love you guys 😊

Whats your main blog? Haha definitely this one.

List all of your side blogs and what theyre for. I may or may not have a side blog thats more for........adult stuff. But its literally all reblogs from other peoples side blogs lol

Is there anything people should know about you before becoming friends with you? Haha none comes to mind. I mean id like to think that I'm a pretty chill guy who you can talk to about anything 🤷‍♂️

Heres me in and out of uniform (showing maybe a little too much bulge lol)

Only if you guys want to btw, im gonna tag @campcrow @dropitlowbandit @catgifsinthesenate @c0smoggy @cubone-attack @zelmoe @vulnerary-prince @aegisblaze @dangerghost20 for now even though i know i will post this and remember a couple of beautiful mutuals i havent tagged in a while. 😊

[ursbearhug]

I was tagged by @dangerghost20 to post five things I would want my followers to know. I'm not entirely sure what I should put here, so it took me the entire day and like 5 years off of my life spawn expectancy.

1. I have a 'title' and if I really wanted to I could work as a vet (or a vet helper, whatever floats your boat, really) in a vet clinic. If it wasn't clear enough, I don't aspire to work in that field. That being said, as an extremely anxious person that also happens to be semi-educated; 4 years of highschool rendered me unable to own a pet of my own. I do often dogsit and I am proud plant dad to my daughter Circuflex! (she's Drosera Aliciae)

2. I think I can call myself a person of many distinctive interests? I used to swim for a very long time, but my competitive swimming was rather short-lived. I am amoured by martial arts, but I have never actually practice any for longer-term; I've been to 3 capoeira practices (the number of folks was uneven so I never had a partner for anything, also there were million people there it was too nerve-wracking for me), 2 taekwondon't practice-ish(?)(practice is a bit of an overstatement, I just went there to watch, but again - the number of folks there completely deterred me from joining) and I had wrestled with my friends for quite a while until I damaged my arm. I have drawn a lot, I have a fair share of writings (short stories or 'poems' mostly), I used to do pottery for a while and tried to learn how to play the guitar as well (I was bad at it too). For the longest time, I was also interested in competitive e-sport, or however, you want to call it. So yeah - I sometimes happen to be creative and I tend to be very competitive.

3. I actually despise being called handsome, hot, sexy or what-have-you. Usually, I know that person complimenting my looks don't have any ill intentions or malicious intent. Nevertheless, I prefer NOT to be addressed with such words. If you think that I'm attractive - that’s great, awesome - but please, just keep it to yourself; I don't need to and I don't want to hear that.

4. Even though I'm still exploring my sexuality and things related to it, I have - what I like to call 'record amount of coming outs'. I first came out at the ripe old age of 8 (or 9 I can't quite remember) as bisexual. That hasn't changed when I got into my first serious relationship, despite a lot of people calling me 'straight' since I was in a relationship with a girl. During that relationship, I still explored myself, with my partner being very supportive. After we broke up, I came out as gay (I think I was around-ish 17?). Quite recently I started exploring my asexuality and after I realised I wasn't 'broken' and I quit hating myself for things I cannot control, I came out as ace - there are many micro labels that could fit, but for the time being, I stay with just ace~

5. Despite my shy and docile nature (and unimpressive height) I have suplexed a guy before and broke few noses. In general, I won't be throwing hands nilly-willy and I can be extremely patient, but I will respond to violence with violence. I especially get very protective of my friends, which can be easily observed - if we're out late at night, going through some shady neighbourhoods - when I'm constantly on the lookout and edge (often being ridiculed for that too, admittedly)

So yeah - Hi, this is me? And just like before, I won’t be tagging anyone (just please don’t be mad at me)

[thesadboisguidetolife]

I was tagged by the incredibly lovely and handsome @dangerghost20 to post five things I want my followers to know. This is gonna be tough because im horrible on the spot and feel like a deer in headlights haha

I guess right off the bat, im kind of an open book, i just wont go around flipping my own pages if that makes sense haha but any questions, comments, and concerns im open to answering 😊

I love music. Haha this one might be very obvious to those that already know me but i have a fairly big CD and Vinyl collection, i have music tattooes, i play bass, guitar, ukulele, and am trying to learn other instruments.

Im from Southern California and really love the piece of trash that is LA because it is my piece of trash. Its given me the privilege to be exposed to so much incredible stuff from around the world and so many incredible people. And its a huge part of the reason why im very inclusive and just try to spew respect and positivity towards anyone that comes my way.

Im a cook! Its kind of the family trade and almost everyone i know has worked in kitchens at one point or another. Not to mention, its helped me grow fond to fast food because after handling food all day, sometimes the last thing i want to do is cook at home lol

I have am 8 year old who is thee most important person in my life, who will always come first, and who has helped teach me how to love selflessly. 🥰

Im gonna tag @campcrow @castlesbuiltonquicksand @505913568 @thickness-protection-program @deciduousgay @pocketphoenix because y'all were in my notifications recently and i love you guys are amazing as well as all the mutuals 🥰