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dreadfutures · 2 months ago

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I love Solas, and I love Solavellan, because I find the character and story so compelling, but sometimes I feel like a fake Solavellan

to me Ixchel and Solas has kind of always been about two friends who both suffer from the same affliction and they are the only two people who can ever understand it, the affliction being outside (duty, responsibility, guilt) and inside (inherent fatalism in philosophy, viewing the self as unworthy, haunted by despair) and though

they can't at first forgive themselves or find the strength within them to stay out of their dark spirals, they can do it for the other. and how important that is. that's love. the smooching and everything is on top. the knowing what dark predators haunt the other person's psyche and saying I'll be there with you when the wolves come, we'll survive together. the I know exactly who you are and how ugly it is and I love you for it and I see the beauty still. the I will never get tired of you even if youre never "fixed." that's love right. that's Ixchel and Solas to me.

so like yeah they have been Together for about like 170+ chapters. they're not being tested about being pulled apart by duty or fear anymore, they're testing the strength of that bond in those dark ugly moments that come for us all. and mostly theyre good. mostly they're just on an adventure together.

somehow it feels like I'm a fake Solavellan 🥲 like early dpdf captured something and... getting together, having truths revealed, this *aftermath* is like I left that behind somehow. like it's beyond what Solavellans want. idk. I think about other fics that are post- truth coming out and staying together and they're very different vibes, I think, you know?

I like my action/adventure fic, I like them together, I like having moments where they find that there is still a dark corner they haven't swept out into the light yet and the way it's still scary for someone to want to know those ugly parts of you that they maybe haven't seen yet. I like having them be mostly utterly confident in each others competency. I like them united against the unknown together. but like did everything about them peak in Here Lies the Abyss, you know? or maybe Wycome? I'm so nervous about everything in TBG :'( it's just hard for me RN in my heart idk to feel confident of like. where it Fits into fandom besides "blue loves lore and wants to explore metaphysics with Ixchel (new perspective) and Solas (wise, experienced guide)"

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

#personal #this is very disjointed i cant really articulate it but #every couple of months i get a comment on brave guide #usually only one #specifically about the solavellan part of the fic #being not solavellan enough (needs more angst) or being not solavellan enough (needs to be completely healed and angst free)#and they eat at me yknow #lots of things about them eat at me #no matter how much i love them #Hhhhhhhh im going insane im so tired idk what im saying #also im #very keenly aware of what points in the fic friends/commenters stop reading #and it's hard not to feel like that's indicative of quality #even tho fic for me isnt about being the best product #its stream of consciousness sharing the fun scenes in my head and that's it #but still hard not to feel insecure #i see Solavellans on twitter going gaga about each other's fics in a very particular way that i think just #doesnt apply to dpdf after Here Lies The Abyss #and idk it's not jealousy but it's a weird lonely feeling #it's not loneliness either bc i do have loyal readers who Get It and are Here For It and tell me!#a blessing and a joy absolutely #but i guess it's doubt?#idk #delete later #if i remember

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