#very embarassing. oh man. the thing about being a depressed sack of [unspecified] is that it's deeply UNDIGNIFIED.

[burinazar]

Whenever I'm sitting and working on furthering my career by seeking out opportunities and contacting people etc there is a constant, constant feeling of rising horror at how much of my life I've already wasted, how underqualified I am, how pointless the ways I've spent my years are. (If you’re one of the people who happens to know part of my volunteer work stuff I do involves equipping others to seek out career opportunities in a constructive and efficient way, yes, I see the irony...my actual job is sort of ironic in that way too, I’m sending the kids off to uni way better equipped to take advantage of and thrive during their time there than I turned out to be...) 

Anyway. The sense of shame and horror builds and builds and when it reaches a tipping point I have to stop for the day. It's really goddamn taxing but other than pushing forward thru it I don't see how I'm ever going to manage to change my situation and achieve a career trajectory that brings me something other than shame, disappointment and exhaustion. It'd be cool if I could find a way to do it that's less mentally exhausting and doesn't sometimes lead to literal suicide ideation as the concluding point of the day, a la 'aw fuck, no this is NEVER going to happen and i need to literally kill myself, that way when the people I’ve crossed paths with wonder how I’m doing, ‘that person killed themselves’ will be a less shameful reality for them to find out about subsequently than ‘that person made nothing of their life’ and they will be less disgusted by the fact that i fell out of touch and didn’t achieve anything' But...like...*not* doing it was just leading to literal years of stagnation at a dead-end job...like this is probably the good outcome, the fact that I'm doing it. Maybe I’ll get desensitized? ‘Make yourself cry every day while job hunting’ is probably not Good but like, Don’t Do The Thing is not an option any longer.