#verse. ┊ theodora crain; criminal minds!

[lovepersists2]

she’s apprehensive  ---  so much of her life has revolved around change,  and yet she’s still so unsettled by it.  by the way she’s left out in the open,  with so little control of the variables in the moments where she’s yet to really establish herself in a new place.  since steve’s book,  most of the world has her at a disadvantage.  she’s theo crain,  one of the survivors of hill house,  and the world knows it.  theo’s well aware that she could learn more  ---  sense more  ---  about those around her if she so chose   (   and in the bureau?  she finds herself choosing to more than she ever has,  and while she tries not to show it,  it does take its toll   ),   but for the most part,  her gloves remain on.  literally.

so maybe she’s at a disadvantage,  or maybe everyone else is,  because they only know the parts of her that she openly shows,  the little girl who’d been showcased in her brother’s book  ---  the rest kept safe behind carefully laid bricks.  the wall is fortified by plenty,  but nothing quite so important and intentional as theo’s desire to have some aspect of control.  to be able to keep herself safe.  and if she keeps herself safe?  hell,  then she has it in her to help keep other people safe,  too.  she’s been doing it for years.  or trying to,  at least.  and she’s heard it repeatedly since putting in for a transfer:  no one stays with the crimes against children units for too long.  there’s only so much a heart can take,  particularly one so vulnerable to capturing the feelings of the world around it the way theo’s has been cursed to do.  so while there should be little shame in leaving,  she still feels like she’s giving up.  leaving too many who are defenseless to fight off the evils of the world on their own.  or,  at least,  without her to try and help them.  and god does she have to remind herself that others will step up to fill the spot she’s left open  ---  someone always does   (   all the same,  she doubts the guilt will fade without a little help from the store of liquor she’s already built up in her new place  ---  theo may not have her goddamn clothes put away,  but at least she’s got a solid supply of booze   ).

but will the behavioral analysis unit be any better?  she doesn’t know.  she doesn’t fucking know,  and that scares her more than she’ll ever let on.  there’s some part of her that’s so tempted to just go open her own practice somewhere  ---  step away from the bureau and let herself help other people heal in a way she can’t.  but then there’s the part of her that’s shattered.  the broken little girl who lost her mom,  whose dad hadn’t fucking been there,  and whose siblings are all at least as fucked up as she is.  and that shattered,  broken little girl?  she’s got to do something to make sure other people don’t get hurt.  to stop the hurt before all she can do is try to pick up the pieces in the aftermath to whatever goddamn tragedy has left people as shattered as she is.

apprehension flows through her veins as the elevator slides open,  revealing the entrance behind which she can see the already established members of the team working behind.  all stories unread by her,  with individual strengths they bring to the table.  with already forged bonds,  tested by trials of hellfire and misery   (   god,  that’s dark,  even for her   ).   it’s rare she’s fit in anywhere  ---  more prone is she to being the quiet agent in the back,  who says little,  but sees everything.  notices everything.  doesn’t make friends,  because friends mean pain,  and loss,  and what feels like some obligation to give people a front-row seat to the fucked up spectacle that is her life.  theo’s just there.  contributing what she can,  doing her job,  and asking for nothing in return.  so why the hell does this already feel so different?

leaden legs carry her to the office of the unit chief,  and despite the thoughts racing through her head,  and the fear,  and the fact that she misses boston   (   and even finds herself missing her siblings,  for whatever that’s worth   ),   there’s a smile on her face.  it doesn’t reach her eyes  ---  they never quite seem to  ---  but she’s here.  so she’ll put on her big girl pants and do her damn best to be a team player.  to help people.  that’s what she’s here for.  

knuckles rap lightly on the doorframe,  a precursor to speaking that’s common for someone who’d spent part of her childhood in a goddamn haunted house.  if it’s a courtesy she’d like extended to her?  she’ll sure as hell extend it to anyone else  ---  because who’s to say what everyone else might be haunted by?   “agent hotchner?  theodora crain.  just transferred in from boston,  i was told you’d be expecting me,”

@objctive​   |   plotted starter!