#vent? maybe??? again i don't really hold too much emotion regarding my life

[queenlilithprime]

I think about this a lot because... even now as an adult, I can't talk about the majority of my actual life. No matter what I say or how little emotion I have regarding it—for me it's an average tuesday—it's always going to be difficult for other people to hear because they know that what has happened to me is wrong.

I'm a relatively happy person tbh? Doesn't mean my life is great. My life actually is really fucking difficult for me. I have never been safe in a household except for when I was in my college dorm.

Even now, my household is pretty dysfunctional but we kinda make it work? I don't want to go into detail but yeah it's... not great.

Even with all of these difficult things in my life I still am happy and continuing on because... what the fuck else is there to do? Sit and cry about how terrible my life is constantly? After a while it gets... boring to just perpetually be in agony about things that happens frequently.

I'm a relatively happy person.

My life is also shitty.

Those things can mutually exist and I don't really need people to apologize for my life being the way it is. I'll get out of my bad situations eventually, I just have to be patient and get there.

You learn to live with trauma even if it's not supposed to be there. Even if it's not supposed to happen, and what's happening is wrong. You learn to live with it and find ways to be happy beneath the pressing stress.

Having a traumatic childhood means you cannot talk even objectively about your basic foundational experiences without it being "venting", even if you're not actually venting. You just straight up have a huge chunk of your life you can't talk about, full stop, without it being trauma dumping.

And it not being socially acceptable to talk about your own childhood is super alienating. Sometimes people want to know why, and any answer you can give them is going to be off putting.

It's to the point I get irritated when something I said is framed as venting when I'm literally just talking about my life experiences, doing my best to keep emotion out of it.

[lavieendonna]

+++ I can't figure out whether he's like genuinely confused about where to go with us or if he's just trying to bail without bailing, ya know? Like I'm willing to put in the effort if he is and I think he's worth the effort that it'd take but I just don't think he's willing but I refuse to let him off easy and be the one to walk away

part 3

Yo, first up, thanks for the update! Even though it’s not really ‘good news’, i like to know how my anons get on with their lives, esp. when they come to me for advice or to vent or whatever. In regards to this particular situation, I have a couple different point of views that you 100% probably haven’t asked for. Disclaimer: I don’t really know if what I’m about to say is advice or if it’s just giving you some angles to think about - so if nothing I say makes you feel better at all then feel free to completely ignore me. [this is getting really lengthy so imma put a read more riiiiiiigghhhht here]

I can definitely understand your frustration about what he’s doing here. Without really knowing him, I can’t make any flash judgements or anything about his character and if it’s normal for him to suddenly space off - but like I said in the first series of events, he is a boy and I feel like (in my experience) this is following almost-normal boy/male patterns. It is not fair for him to be so into you and tell you all of these things, only for him to turn around and mix up the signals by saying, “I really like you but…” [insert lame excuse here]. By the sounds of things, you know how unfair that is. And I really admire your willingness and your drive to hold onto him. He must mean a hell of a lot to you if you’re exerting so much effort into him and the relationship you’re trying to build. I know how much it can suck when you realise the other person isn’t meeting you half-way. 

I think I told you to be brave in the first series of events you came to me with, and right now, based on this progression of events, I think that you need to be brave for a different reason. Or, in a different way. You’ve done a really amazing thing by putting yourself out there, establishing the kind of relationship you want from this guy and sticking to that and sticking to your guns by refusing to let him go. But being brave also means knowing when a sacrifice is needed - or, even better, when a sacrifice is inevitable. Sometimes, despite everything we do and know and trust, despite how much we love/care for someone, we have to recognise when it’s becoming a hazard. I know that sounds really dumb or cliche or whatever, but it’s true. Because at some point, if that person isn’t recognising your efforts or if they’re not allowing you to love and care for them or not even accepting the fact that this is how you want it to be, it’s gonna start hurting you more than it should. While you’re devoting yourself to this person, you might forget that you are just as important as they are in your life - hell, you’re more important than they are in your life especially if this is how they’re acting. Sometimes, walking away first might be the safest option. The good thing about being the first to walk, is that you’re in control of how much you get hurt if/when it ends. If you leave it up to him, he takes the reigns and the minute you let him have control of your emotions like that, everything else in your life will depend on him. And you are too fucking important and valid and strong for that. 

That being said, I’m gunna turn the table for a second. Because I have been in this struggling LDR before and let me tell you, it wasn’t in your shoes. Being in a LDR, especially one where you haven’t actually met each other in the flesh, is really hard to deal with emotionally. And this guy, he’s kind of in the right as well. Just like you’re right to be frustrated by his mixed signals, he’s right to want more for you. Just because he’s mixing his signals (which, again, is a completely male thing for him to do and I’m unsurprised that it’s happened), it doesn’t mean that he wants to bail. When this happened to me, I was in the same boat as him and I felt like I was keeping my guy on my hook unfairly. I felt it wasn’t fair that I wasn’t there to comfort him when he was upset, that I wasn’t there to be with him and to touch him and to give him all that contact that a healthy relationship needed. I made the realisation that this guy, who was literally on the other side of the world to me, was depending on me and he was devoted to a girl who he truly didn’t know. He thrust the reigns of his emotions into my hands and I didn’t want to be responsible for that much damage. Because I knew that I would never be able to give 100% to him and even though me choosing to walk ended our entire relationship and even our friendship, I knew it was the right thing to. He mightn’t have seen it then, but he knew it too and when we caught up a few years after that for a 5 minute conversation, he agreed that he was happier than he had ever been. 

Sorry to babble on about my life story, but do you get where I’m coming from? The basis of what I’m suggesting is just that maybe he’s overwhelmed, or maybe he’s deciding to take control of his own feelings too. It’s all about damage control, and while being distant isn’t the best way to go about it - theres a chance that his reasoning is justified. 

I hope that at least one sentence of this made sense to you or (shooting long) gave yo a moment of clarity. I seem to have rambled a little bit more than I had anticipated but it was all in good faith. I really want this to work for you, and what i would do might be completely different to what you would do so I don’t want to tell you what’s right and what’s not. I just want to help in any way I can. 

Sorry this is so long. At least you’ve never spoken to me IRL so you weren’t bored by the sound of my voice. 

let me know how you get on. Big Love xox