#validation is sexy. but i dont want ppl to feel like they cant look at my stuff without rbing cuz idk

[kiddphel]

i make my SR posts non rebloggable lately cuz this is for Me. i dont care abt numbers or rbs this is content solely for me. if you look i appreciate you SO much but this is indulgent content for my personal ttrpg campaign and i dont want anyone to feel like they have to partake in it

[matrixwhore]

when i tell you i saw this next dubai scene start up and i had to put my damn phone down and stare into space. i had to pet my cat. i had to do sumn chile. they went BACK TO BACK with this episode. i been on this for days and it’s not an exaggeration

does it call EVERYTHING into question if everything she wrote before and everything she wrote after supports what happened??? it’s not something louis is peddling it’s something cant is reading out of her own diaries. maybe you are just yet another person conditioning care—conditioning believing her—with you feel entitled to take from her. to your entitlement to every last detail of her pain. do you need to read the description of the act to truly believe like people need to see videos of black people dying. or are you and ppl gonna find any moral highground or whatever reason not to believe anyways like they always do even with proof. why would this extremely common thing that millions of humans have experienced be something they can’t believe. especially when it happens in a relatable way.

ALSO if we are going to talk about calling things into question… why would this being about VAMPIRES not be the thing that calls into question everything else???? why would it be louis not giving them access to that?? why would it be louis not giving the man who just commented on inspiring a line of sexy claudia costumes access to that???

WITHOUT even getting here daniel already didnt see validity in claudia’s experience. her experience is beautiful songs written by charlie manson. how sad for her that she wasn’t held enough in between killings. if the rest of her tragedy wasn’t enough what more is the tragedy of a trauma that is already difficult to get people to believe or care about (even with the invasive process of collecting evidence that the victims go through) going to do?

louis bout to cut a whole through the damn table bruh you POKING A BEAR

at first glance its jarring to see louis violate him and trigger his tremors like that. when i look closer this man been trying to hold it together since “existential queens”

daniel is being intentionally condescending and apathetic about this. he sees louis is barely holding it together and he continues. he thought he had the upper hand and louis made sure to lift that hand and remind him of his frailty. of his mortality. that he can die and can be killed and louis wants to see to it. but does this instead. because thus is a stripped down more humanized part of the play but it’s still a power play.

do i agree with him doing this or support and encourage it not necessarily and i say it that way bc do i believe im above it also no. do i think daniel is just this faultless journalist just trying to get at the story absolutely not. he wears the gloves in this scene to handle the diaries with care but does he handle the thoughts and voice within them or the person they belong to with care?? i do not believe that he does.

is he just trying to make sure claudia’s story is told in full?? i can’t see how… he’s already made it clear you can’t control what readers do with a story. and hes already shown he doesn’t see claudia as a whole person. how can you make sure you tell someone’s story in full if you dont even see them as a full person?

rashmand showing up with his big naturals is also the pacifying presence i needed as well. just a worldless hand on the shoulder. i wonder id there was thoughts exchanged.

not claudia’s murderer still being around you say louis finds it hard to talk about his daughter whom he murdered.

go on a head and slap him with the upper hand you thought you had Daniel bc you won’t played with like that and that’s real.

he made sure to get that slap in the recording too.

i noticed in all the dubai scenes this ep daniel always gets the last word “refill” / “keep talking” / “still recording”

iwtv ep 5 rewatch thoughts

opening with the scene within which i have built a home and become a permanent resident. right here in the moment rashmand smiles stupidly and louis slonks (🤭) every last drop of his blood. how anyone thinks they’re boring idk idk idk

they are being clear here that this isn’t consumption for the sake of sustenance. this is bloodletting as sex play and as power play. Danny is not having dinner. so its clear that this isn’t feeding as a meal but it is feeding as sexual exhibition at its most delicious. Danny is reading about claudia’s violent acts via the written recording of her victim’s last words while loumand basically vampire fuck at the other end of the table. this is also setting up the sexual violence to come for claudia and also for louis.

i think it is intentional that louis is the one feeding from armand for several reasons. one being because of what lestat does to him, which we see later on. this is power play for louis in a setting where he has voluntarily and possibly in some aspects dubiously relinquished control over to his lover armand. also bc of the connection between daniel and armand. they are revealing rashid as armand slowly here and his and louis’ involvement with daniel in the past. Daniel isn’t dumb. they know he can figure out the inconsistencies of louis drinking from armand and louis drinking from damek. this leads to daniels curiosity about how armand tastes like and his weight and louis puts daniel’s hidden attraction out on display against his wishes to throw him off. and daniel orders rashid around to take back some power.

i also think it’s a call back to the power dynamic of their first meeting. louis has power over daniel, and it seems he’s the one in control of the entire situation but then he checks in with armand before moving forward. in this moment in the present dubai 2020 setting louis has power over daniel (regardless of him no longer being that naive young man) and he plays the role of the one with the power over rashid, but the power he is receiving is from armands 500+ year old blood that he is offering to louis as the character he is playing. lord take me.

i think it’s interesting that daniel is feasting on claudia’s private memories but objects to louis reading and exposing his personal thoughts. even tho louis has shown time and again that he does that and would do it again. choices/consent is the big issue in this episode.

Daniel: man with green vest: please no. man with fat fingers: please stop. window washer: i can’t die like this. woman with purple shoes: please. boy with inner tube and dog: let my dog live. please no. please stop. stop. oh here’s a good one—man in the last row of The Son of Sheik picture show: You said you had cigarettes.

this is the first recounts we hear him read from claudia’s journal—claudia, who did not get a say in whether her voice and story be used by louis, armand and daniel in this way. He reads this and it’s clear that he [daniel] hadn’t actually consented to being the voyeur of loumand’s sex play given his visible discomfort/agitation. He continues anyways, trying his best to focus on the task at hand and not his bisexual longing for the men at the other end of the table bc even with everything he is reading and witnessing he is still attracted to them in all their insanity and monstrosity.

im interested in the fact that he pointedly reads out (“here’s a good one”) the misleading nature of the last one. “You said you had cigarettes.” i think it speaks to the fact that daniel came here to dubai for a supposed second interview and is slowly but surely realizing he is getting something else entirely. he continues “School teacher, guard your heart. i’m trying to think of something more fucked up than this.” he could be just talking about what claudia has written, but i think it’s also the fact that this is the section of his reading that loumand have chosen to be overtly sexual in front of him for as he reads. all this and he doesn’t even know yet of rashid being armand and his role in claudia’s death, though i’m sure he’s having suspicions of everything by now. also that louis, with being faced with the piece of claudia he doesn’t like to acknowledge, the monstrosity of her vampire nature, focuses of drinking from armand the man who killed his beloved daughter (something he said about “i run to the bottle” etc. etc). it does in fact get more fucked up danny.

and when armand implies that daniel is no better by revealing the danger it poses on louis and exposing louis’ suicidality without his permission (“he lives to share these opinions even when they are not solicited”) and revealing he doesn’t even want this book to happen, louis fights back by leaning into his power over daniel and exposing his thoughts about armand, and continues to, even when danny makes it clear his thoughts were not being voluntarily shared—that he did not want louis in his mind at all. he even interrupts rashmand in the middle of telling daniel he wouldn’t let him near his neck to offer up more information abt rashid (much to armands annoyance) that clearly isn’t even true after reading daniel’s mind again when daniel just explicitly told him not to. and when louis does that daniel fights back by leaning into his perceived power over rashid—louis’ servant—by demanding more of something to drink without even looking at him. and at this armand picks up his lil ipad and leaves without even picking up daniel’s glass, being the one who is actually the most powerful in the room. this is crazy. this is actually insane.

all this and armand is the one who killed claudia!!!! the only one who doesn’t get to fight back against her agency being taken from her in this scene!!! i’m going to fucking throw up. who is bored with them!? they are literally putting on thee insane sexy bdsm emo freaks show like…

“ The Son of Sheik” also alludes to the upcoming sexual assault btw. It’s a sequel to “The Sheik” where the protagonist is the son of the sheik in the first film who falls in love with a traveling dancer Yasmine. He rapes her out of retaliation for having been kidnapped and later whipped, which he believes to be her fault bc she is falsely accused of it. like in this episode and like claudia, yasmine’s rape is strongly implied in the movie with the use of pointed language and a scene cut.

this scene closes out with daniel pointing out he can’t get to accurate statistics of claudia’s murders to corroborate her accounts whether he thinks its more or less than what she recounts im unsure. louis points out that he wouldn’t be able to get an accurate account anyways bc of their disposal practices and how cities tend to downplay the dangers within them. daniel wanting all the details and louis making it clear he will have to accept that he can’t always have all the details will be a point of contention later on as we know.

[pandoratheprocrasticreator]

You know that flavor of ppl who aren't like homophobic by the strictest definition. Like they don't hate queer ppl and are even enthusiastic to co-exist with them but are like. Weird about it. Not in the "I'm fine with queers i just dont want them shoved down my throat" bc thats just homophobia but like the gluten free version of that.

This phenomenon is more harmful irl but im pulling examples from fandom bc thats where i spend most my time online these days and shipping is inconsequential enough to discuss. If a boy and a girl interact at all in one scene theres immediately a whole community for their ship and no one bats an eye. But shippers of gay ships that dont interact are filled with ppl who lord them as their "uwu gay babies" and shippers who are normal about it get plagued with ppl asking them for "proof theyre a couple." And when you do the same for a straight ship ppl retort with "this isnt hurting anyone so leave us alone" which could be a reasonable argument. But the same ppl using that for their straight ships are also the ones asking for cited sources that the author didnt intend for characters in a gay ship to be entirely straight.

Same with other queer headcanons. Trans hcs will have ppl saying that "i PERSONALLY never saw them as trans your headcanon is valid but i need you to give me an essay on your reasons bc WHY WOULD THEY BE TRANS." Ace headcanons are similar except with ppl also telling the hperson with the ace headcanon that they ship this character with someone. And ofc theres the "arent characters allowed to be friends" argument which again. Is valid. But the ppl making that for queer headcanons also often parade screenshots where a boy and girl in a show look at each other and say "this is proof theyre canon."

And maybe its just bc ive been into more queer media lately but these kids of ppl are worse when the media actually has canon queer characters? Ppl flock to the safe and canon gay ships and use that as a shield against accusations of bias. They CANT be homophobic or even biased against queer people because look! They thought it was cute when these two secondary girls held hands! This character has gay dads and this person supports that! They just want you to write an academic paper to justify your ship existing because YOURE the crazy one whos bringing shipping into everything. No one has to reexamine their implicit biases whatsoever. It feels performative.

Ofc this also extends to other biases. The main character of this book is black so the fandom cant be racist. Thats why its perfectly fine for them to hyperfocus on the angsty white boy in the secondary cast and ignore the main poc characters. No one needs to think about why that consistently happens in every fandom like this. This main character is a girl! And shes also a Strong Female Character whos quirky. So we dont need to think about how the fandom lauds around the male villains as sexy and write pages of meta on their motivations and then call female villains "bitches" and talk about the graphic ways they should be killed and maybe sexualize them if theyre conventionally attractive but in a more dehumanizing way than the male villains. And ofc if you call fans out for this, they jump behind the shield of "liking diverse media." Which makes them immune to accusations of bigotry. This is also true for creators of media btw.

Anyway its like. I would rather deal with these kinds of ppl than actual homophobes, especially regarding non fandom topics that actually affect irl ppl. But also these people are so much more annoying than actual homophobes. Bc like. If you tell me you support queer ppl then act like it, you know?

[ask-vaal-hazak]

I just left a homebrew dnd campaign I've a message for new DM's

If your running a campaign for 2 ppl and there level 3 do not throw cr 6 and 9 monsters at them. For the love of the divine do not.

Extremely fustrating and deadly. And dont use the monsters from a homebrew forum bc it just sounds cool. Bc that "cool" cr 6 hag going against a lv3 party with multiple attack. Multiple spell cast and spell immunity and able to polymorph into any creature it wants at will is devastating.

Just to rant here. I lost 3 characters in 1 hour. My lv 3 barbarian (minotaur zelot). My battlemaster (centaur) and my wizard (yuan ti)

To be a dm ya have to balance and make sure every fight isnt designs to just upright kill ppl at the start bc. 5d12 worth of dmg with multiple attack on a hag or any creature. Is friggin broken.

There no way in hell a monster for a party of 2, level 3 adventures should hit for 5d12 (3 times) and be able to cast 2 spells (at will without using a spell slot) EVERY ROUND. And on top of that have a movement speed of 90 and an ac of 23. (I asked the dm to let me see what he was using and thers more. Swim of 30, fly of 300 ect this is pretty much a god with its stats but the cr says 6. It dosent even feel like a 6. More like a lv 20 broken sack of crap)

This is the reason there are tutorial guides in the book(s) and youtube to show you why you should look at cr then your players levels b4 u design an encounter.

I cant describe how fustrating it was to see my barbarian. Who I spent 5hours making just get tapped lightly and die. Bc 48 hp at lv 3 and taking well over 10 pts of dmg bc apparently she crit me on all attacks and only did like 1 attack to our female player (for 2 dmg with a level 6 scorching ray [its bs] ) was "Fair bc your a barbarian and should be able to tank this EASILY" (quote the dm.)

If there is a way to piss off players it's this and having a game were you get railroaded so hard it's a traveling trip with skill checks with a minimum of 18-20 to notice something like a bear on the road when the weather is CLEAR and everyone is PAYING THE HELL ATTENTION ON A BANDIT HIGHWAY. Not to mention the SCREAMS OF A CYCLOPS AS IT LITERALLY SMASHES INTO THE CARAVAN ACROSS A PLANE WITH A FEW TREES ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.

Oh and let me not forget the NPCS WHO WANT TO SLEEP WITH EVERYONE BC THEY THINK THERE HOT AND DESERVE A NICE HOT MEAT ROD FOR THEIR SERVICES OF INTRODUCING THEMSELVES.

*Facepalm* my god....oh and if your thinking

"GEE-WILLY Mr. Person surely it couldnt be that bad?" This guys campaign was pretty much parappa the rapper, jojo bizarre adventures, bloodborne, Resident evil and memes.

I had a character who came in and apparently they caused the world to have wormholes? (Somehow) and referenced it everytime we played even when that character died. In session one. Bc apparently a company named (I kid you not) Shoe Rack was the equivalent of resident evil's umbrella cooperation. Complete with a drow leader and a litch bookkeeper who turned everyone into zombies to work for free while they apparently made diamonds to sell for millions of gold and keep the workers working g for 1 copper every month. Only giving gold to ppl that would sleep with them.

Not to mention apparently everyone in this world had magic resist or spell immunity to everyone except to females. And when I made a female char apparently that rule became I valid and it was just a straightforward

Me: does a 17 hit?

Dm: well it would but .... *they grin*

Me: but?

Dm: they use a special ring to catch the spell and cast meteor swarm on you point blank.

Me: well they get hit too I just stabbed them with a dagger.

Dm: no you see it's a SMALL METEOR THAT ONLY HITS THE PERSON THAT HIT THEM

Me: so they and my teammate. Who has literally been stabbing them are fine?"

Dm: yes

Me (takes like 589 pts of dmg and is ded)

Dm: the litch turns to you and asks if you want a cup of coffee.

Female player: umm sure?

Dm: whoo-yeah. Combat over you get 500 go and a date with the litch.

Me: I'm sorry what?

Female player: umm...ok. awsome.

Me: ......ok cool so I'll just bring in-

Dm: no that's cool the litch revives yorubas a female zombie slave.

Me: why?

Dm: and you need to have sex to keep yourself alive.

Me: yeah no. I'll just bring in my centaur battle master

1 hour later

Dm: you take umm..let's see *rolls dice.*

Me: (waiting)

Dm: *rolls a shit ton more dice*

Me: (waiting)

Dm: oh oh no *grins*

Me: (takes 40 dmg) I'm still up

Dm: how?

Me: I have 48 hp....I'm still up

Dm: ok it's your attack I guess.

Me: rolls a nat 1 "ok I guess I have disadvantage on my next att-"

Dm: rolls a d100 and a d10 (the percentile)

Me: what are you doing?

Dm: rolling for severity of your fail. Btw how much dmg does your lance do?

Me: it does 1d12 dmg and why are you using severity. That's not in 5e and you said we-

Dm: as you fail you accidentally stab yourself in the throat as your spear hits a rock and you take *rolls dice* 35 pts of dmg

Me: ok I'm out that's bs. Number one and two I have a lance and thers no way I can do 35 dmg. I get about 24 dmg on a crit and 28 if I use my racial feature to kick a person at max with a crit.

Dm: oh your just being salty, you dont play fair!

Me: excuse me?

Dm: ALL YOU DO IS PLAY SPELL CASTWRS AND THATS CHEATING!

Me: bc everyone has spell immunity for some reason or only takes 1/4 the dmg. I'm pretty much useless and am being fored to play melee unlike our LOREMASTER BARD who got an item to DOUBLE HER DMG AND SPELL SLOTS AND CRIT ON A 15 PERMANENTLY (this is the female btw)

Dm: well maybe you should have slept with the litch

Me: she literally found that item in a store for like 3 silver and when I looked (with a 17 arcana check) I found a rusty dagger and a flask of poisoned potion.

Dm: well maybe roll higher?

Female player: umm I rolled like a 10 and found this that's kind of cool but I dont think it's fair. But o wanna keep my items

Dm: ugh fine. You keep yours. Ummm (to me) I guess you get a potion of greater healing for....umm 500 go.

Me:.......nah I'm good, FUCK IT. I'll just make another spell caster Oops. Cant do that. How about a nope. Cant make a barbar I'm going to make a artificer

Dm: cant do that

Me: why?

Dm: they're broken its not good.

Me: *with the book* not broken..ulyou know what why dont you make me a character and I'll use that.

Dm: hands me a sheet

Me: reads "Zonia the sexy zombie elf sex slave that gets stronger every time she has sex?" *Looks at everyone* ok I'm out enjoy the campaign.

Dm: we cant have a dnd adventure with only 1 person.

Me: yes you can you've been doing it since session 1. I'm out goodbye. I'm still running my campaign on sunday. I wont hole anything against you. But I will not sit here and be shit on bc I refuse to kiss yur ass and make a slut of a character. Pull your head from your ass. I'm taking my stuff and I'm out.

Dm: but I need the dm screen and the mat and the markers.

Me: then buy your own or use theater of mind. I'm out.

Like how bad is it to want to be a dm to shit on ppl. THIS, THIS IS NOT OK. and no one wants a zombie sex slave that can only have sex and has a str of 0 a con of 30 a dex of 1 a cha of 40 and so on. Its friggin stupid!

Anyway that's my rant. Im....I think I'm just done with dms and crap I just want to play a dnd game I can be happy with. And not always be the Forever dm. Who has players challenge everything. Like why as a monk they cant use sleight of hand to CATCH A FRIGGIN FIREBALL AND/OR AN ARROW AIMED AT ANOTHER PERSON.

Anyway leave a comment or add on I'm just burnt out and glad I could get this rant off my chest

[hopeididntscareyou]

Just organized all the fits i have to bring for my next trip and i realized ive got like almost a hundred of new clothes i havent worn yet. I dont know, most of the time i just want to look like a plain Jane. Well i been actually getting compliments about my looks recently. But the last time I actually was tryharding to look nice and wore sexy outfits and lingerie was when I was still with Joseph, and thats been years ago. I dont know, i just dont feel like showing my body to every guy i date, you know? Like i dont care if people find me attractive and shit. I only feel like putting in effort to look more attractive to someone i really like. Unfortunately, people i really like don't come around too often. I just don't like getting unwanted attention from everyone, thats why i dont want to look more attractive to ppl who already thinks im attractive. I dont really need their validation, but i do need some kind of validation from someone i actually like. To be more specific, i'm just talking about wearing lingerie, and i feel like to wear lingerie is like an invitation for sex, so I dont wanna be wearing something like that in front of someone im not going to have sex with. Sometimes it just happens that i wear them without knowing i would be in an intimate situation with someone later, which is kind of sexy actually but still, i dont know. I just dont want to have sex with someone i'm not inlove with. Ive been thinking about this recently, because i feel like i may have been kind of attracted to someone physically and i almost had sex with him, but we didnt really end up having sex because it was too risky situation at that time LMAO and hes been waiting to have the opportunity to be intimate again but then i thought about it and I decided its not worth to put up with someone just because you want to have sex with them. Tbh, I'd rather masturbate than to put myself in a more complicated situation thats against my morals. Im proud of myself for making this decision because i know if i was younger i might have already gave in to temptation. Even though ive never had sex with anyone i've done some casual shit in the past that i shouldn't have done. I just now know that its not worth it. Atleast right now, thats how i think about it. Basically, I dont want to have sex with just anyone, i want to have sex with someone i love and genuinely care about as a partner. But with my dismissive avoidant attachment its almost impossible to me to feel genuinely inlove with people. I'm too narcissistic and independent to truely care about others as this is the coping mechanism ive learned from my lifetime of abuse and betrayal ive experienced. Ive relied on myself for a long time because i know i cant rely on others. I sabotage my relationships with every guy i date either because;

(a) i dont like them, there is no deep connection which im looking for so i eventually get bored and start to get dismissive of their feelings, i create some drama nitpicking their behavior so they can fuck off. Or;

(b) there is a special connection; i actually fell in love and my feelings have been growing stronger and its scares me because instead of my usual dismissive attitude, i am starting to make assumptions according to my insecurities so i proceed to push away this person before they even have the chance to abandon me(which im afraid to happen)

Its not something that can easily change, but atleast i am now aware of my own toxic pattern and whys that happened. I think, the solution is I just really have to be willing to trust someone 100%, to be willing to experience the enivitable pain and suffering, to be willing to see the pain from childhood in a different light. Because right now, its still hurts me. It still triggers me. I still dont trust anyone and I'm afraid of getting hurt the same way. Ive been hurt enough and i dont know if i can take more pain. Until then I am not sure when I am going to have an actual loving relationship. But its not a massive issue to me entirely, i might live like Isaac Newton, devote myself to my passions instead and live happily ever after yk? Life is not just about relationships. If anything its probably the most overrated shit that people care about.

[noxrynne]

tbh i think back on relationships/interactions ive had with guys who wanted relationships and i dont really have any good thoughts or memories either just the awkward always-talking-about-themself w/o talking *to* me stuff and jus being a silent listener the whole time

or the ppl 30+ mins late to a set date and time i showed up to, on time, waiting awkwardly for them to actually show up and knowing if i leave ‘cuz they didn’t show in a reasonable amount of time im liable to be bombarded with confrontational messages 

or the ppl who pressure me into sex in the first 15 minutes of a first... well, date; and im not mentally aligned well enough to give a proper “no, i’d rather not” and instead jumble out something that’s supposed to essentially be that, but then ending up continually pressured

or the ppl who are like “hey let’s just go for a walk it’s nice out yeah?” and im like “yeah sure its p nice out and i like the breeze and being able to stretch my stupidly long legs cramped in this shitty seat” who then do what the guys in point 3 do but in a space where i cant really just... leave (yes im an idiot for putting myself in those situations, yes im an idiot for not just leaving, yes i can explain why i end up in those positions and it has a lot more to do with feeling obligated to be there which idk where that comes from it just does and makes it a lot harder to just... no longer feel obligated)

then theres the like, major shit that happened in the past. (ive mentioned it before a long time ago, but i dont have the mental fortitude to go back into this rn)

and also the whole... god i dont know how to really describe this, because i’m still understanding im not being smart in this situation but i dont really have the guts or the confidence or the sense of self-security to be smart abt it, but:

someone who tells me everything i want to hear “you’re beautiful” or “you’re amazing, wonderful,” and even the “you’re sexy and like a dream” stuff for *years* i dont really end up believing it any more than the first time, but im 99 percent sure i latch onto those comments b/c of how self-conscious and even self-hating i can be a lot of the time (like “oh this aspect makes me look too masculine, my voice is too masculine, my shoulders are too masculine, my eyebrows are too big and messy, my forehead protrudes slightly too much, i have a bit of a stomach even losing 50 pounds hasnt really fixed, my boobs are small, i still grow facial hair and the stubble bothers me and makes me feel upset... etc...) and it’s a lot of that dysphoria that’s ever present for me and then hearing “oh you’re a wonderfully beautiful girl” (well, succinctly put) and i just latch onto that need for validation, for that “i want to feel like im attractive, that im feminine, that i dont look like a boy” 

and they tell me these things for years, for years and years and i end up unable to separate myself from it, and even feel like i *need* that attention just to feel like a worthwhile human being

peppered in with lots of flirtatious comments, etc... 

and i end up of course crushing on said person b/c im an idiot and respond like bird to a shiny object (me = bird, shiny object = compliments) with that

and eventually i develop feelings and everything, i approach the topic b/c “well he’s been flirtatious for literal years, he’s said im literally his “dream girl” before (verbatim quote btw), he’s even said he loved me and cared about me and so on

and then it’s weird b/c it’s still this way and i learned he was dating someone for a *year* or more and i just

i know it’s wrong, and with some of the stuff we’ve kinda done, it’s... basically cheating? maybe full on cheating, i dont know. i just know if the roles were reversed and i was in that girl’s shoes i’d be upset (no idk her or her name or anything)

and im here, i know it’s wrong, i feel guilt every time i think about it all, but i cant bring myself to approach it in any stern manner b/c im scared to lose that wealth of... validating compliments? i guess? and im scared to lose like, the 1 person i can (tbh) count on to be around when i actually *do* need someone to talk to (either b/c im having a paranoid episode and feel scared, or b/c i had an extremely rough time, or b/c i need to just work through things like depression when it comes up and i rely on the such... ever-present socialization). 

i mean fuck, he’s told me he’d *rather be dating me* and i dont... know how... to parse that. i dont know what to say? what to even think? i know what i should think, what i probably *should* say, but i just... im too scared to, because im scared about losing (again) the main source of... i guess, comfort? maybe? i have? and maybe that’s because i care so much about what other people think of me i project their images of me unto myself b/c the image i have of myself is *that bad*. 

idk it just... makes me feel like... im a terrible person in the end, b/c i dont have the guts to do the ethically correct thing

and it feels really shitty. 

and yeah today something else happened that made me feel a lot more hollow and disconnected, but that’s not the last point (the last point is me venting abt a different guy, but like... idk, it fell under the umbrella)

tbh the thing that happened today was more me realizing that... idk, it’s complicated because i dont want to go into some stuff publicly over privately idk

[moonbinandback]

My KCON experience!!!!

I just got home and I wanted to write down everything while it’s still fresh in my memory so pls prepare for a very long very screaming account of today’s amazing events ;___; (I’ll post the pics and videos I got soon!!)

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so my mom and I drove together (she didn’t want me to go alone bc none of my irl friends like kpop lol rip s/o to my mom for being the coolest ever!!!), and we got to the venue at around 11:30ish. I wanted to get there earlier bc i was really paranoid about not getting an audience pass for astro ;___; we went to get our wristbands and stuff and our concert ticket barcodes ended up showing as invalid ?? ?! even tho we bought them from the official website ;~; so we had to get our tickets validated at staples center and then walk back to get our audience passes. after getting that sorted, I opened my passes and got Heize and Oh My Girl, both of which had already been completed :((( but as I was standing to the side trying to figure out if I could get passes off facebook, I overheard this group of ppl opening their audience passes and they were like “who did u get???” “uh... astro....” “me too....i don’t rly know them” and i was like HI HELLO DO U WANT THOSE BC IF NOT IM LOOKING FOR 2 PASSES FOR ASTRO NO PRESSURE THO and they were like “uhhh yeah sure” AND I GOT 2 AUDIENCE PASSES FOR FREE HOW LUCKY IS THAT !!!!! ! 😭😭 bless those ppl i hope they got hi touch or something lol they saved me like an hour of hunting for passes

after that we checked the room where fan engagements are held to see if there was a line for astro and there was already a crowd of like 60ish ppl there like 2 hours before the event and i was like fuk!!!!! but also it’s so nice to see fellow astro fans supporting our bois!! c: there were actually so many astro fans at the con i was so happy!! so we got in line and chilled and there were some rly cool fans handing out free astro banners with their own digital art, and one person was passing out these nice quality pics of the boys and asking “who’s ur bias??” and then just giving them out for free?? arohas are so nice ??? ???

then after we got into the room, i was like 3 rows from the very front of the audience barrier, but the hi touch ppl were way closer than us rip i was so jealous ;~; when the boys walked on i LOST MY FUKCING SHIT AS EXPECTED and OH YM GOD LET ME TELL U HOW BEAUTIFUL THEY ARE! !!!!!! they all had on very crisp clean button ups and slacks and they looked SO FRESH omg 

jinjin’s hair was so beautiful and smooth and he looked extra tiny today!!!!! i LOVE mj’s current hair color on him it looks so pretty and he also looked tiny af I LOVE!!!! sanha is SO FREAKING TALL like he absolutely towers over the hyungs lmaooooo but he’s also the CUTEST BAB his hair was slightly messy and very beautiful i cryyyy and rocky looked SO GOOD with his hair color!! it’s actually a lot more subtle irl than in the pics he posted recently :’) it’s like a very gentle auburn-burgundyish kinda color, and a little more brown than mj’s hair!

and eunwoo!!!! oh my god he is absolutely prince charming irl, even more so than in videos and pics like HOLY SHIT he is so stunning!!!! he was wearing this beautiful white button up and his brown hair makes him look EVEN MORE PRINCELY like i could not believe my eyes and when he hits u with THAT EYE SMILE u are deceased on the spot!!!!!!! he is a very beautiful dork and i love him!!! AND DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON BINNIE LIKE I THOUGHT I LOVED HIM A LOT BEFORE TODAY?? ??? WHTA THE FUCK ???? he is genuinely the most handsome and attractive person i have EVER seen like i was blown away by his natural charm, hes just SO DAMN CHARISMATIC IRL like if u dont stan bin before u see him irl.. ..u do afterwards lmao like he’s UNREAL ;__; he was wearing a bluish black button up with the tucked in and puffy look which I LOVE and some very well fitting slacks 👀 HES FINE AS FUCK YALL I RLY CANT EVEN EXPRESS HIS BEAUTY RN LIKE GOD DAMN!!! MY IDEAL MAN!!!! i was looking at all the bois but i kept going back to him like i honestly couldnt take my eyes off him he is so gorgeous!!!!

the Q&A session was CUTE AF but i couldnt hear them over the screams ;____; also ppl were sticking their phones in the air all over the place so my view was partially blocked sometimes but i got some lil viewing windows most of the time :D after the general questions from the mc they played this dice roll game where they have to do whatever action corresponds to the number they rolled! they did “switch parts” if i remember correctly, they sang confession and FUCKING JINJIN SANG I HEARD HIS BEAUTIFUL VOICE IRL I WAS DYING HE SOUNDED SO LOVELY!!!!!!!!!!!! (@FANTAGIO LET MY BOI SING!!!!) ALSO ROCKY SANG AND I LOST MY MIND HE WAS SO AMAZING AS WELL!!!! sanha, eunwoo, and mj sang their fave pop songs and they were SO GOOD as usual!!! 💞💞 ALSO EUNWOO RAPPED HE WAS SO CUTE

ok and here’s the part that literally killed me: THE SEXY DANCE WHAT THE FUUKCJKEJGHDJ I WAS ON FIRE!!!!!!! rocky’s dance was SO DAMN GOOD and i was like FUUUUUUUUCK ok that was amazing and then the bois were like “binnie u do it!!” and i was like GOD.. ..IF UR OUT THERE,,, ,,, MAKE IT HAPPEN and then not only bin but jinjin too! !!! BICH!!!! THEY ENDED ME RIGHT THEN AND THERE I CANT BELIEVE I SAW BIN DOING HIP THRUSTS IRL LIKE ?????? PLS WATCH THE FANCAM OF IT IF U HAVENT, IT WILL SAVE UR LIFE OK

so after the sexy dance i was in a state of euphoria ofc, and i remember them rolling aegyo on the dice and they were like “SANHA DO IT” and he was SO PRECIOUS I LOVE HIM he did the arm cross thing with a lil head shake and rocky joined him too!!!! god bless!!!!!!

during hi touch i just continued to bask in the boys’ presence hahah and i noticed they were doing mostly single handed high fives instead of the usual two hand high five/hand hold that they normally do :c but they all looked so cute and happy and smiley!!!! it made my heart so happy!!!!

after hi touch we took a group selfie with the boys (which i am definitely invisible in lmaooo) and then after leaving the room i was like “ah i heard they’ll be at the toyota booth at some point today i better go find out what time” and right as im walking to the booth i see a group of well dressed guys walking on the 2nd floor above me and im like “no way they beat us here” and then i saw a tall bean with white hair and i was like SANHAAAAAAA and they had just gotten to the toyota booth right as i got there!!!! a crowd had already formed but I got a decent view, and they were doing some more q&a that i couldn’t hear lmao but I was so happy that i got to see them again!!!!

when they left I walked around the marketplace and bought a dream part 1 poster (the one where they’re all in white dress shirts lookin cute af) and a poster of sleepy autumn story bin bc im WEAK and I LOVE MY BOIS

then i just hung around the food trucks area until we got to enter the concert venue, and my seats were pretty good!!! they weren’t GA or lowest tier, but i was decently close and i had a clear view of the stage like 95% of the time blesssss

first up was KARD and they were pretty good! their songs are not rly my style but they’re very talented and they look like a hardworking group!!! :D also they are all hot hahah

after that was Oh My Girl, and they were also good! again, their songs are not usually what i like but they were SUPER CUTE and charming!!

then Heize played!! I LOVE HEIZE OMG shes so pretty and her voice is beautiful!! i also love her style and her songs are so soothing/fun to listen to!! she asked us to turn on our phone flashlights while she performed Star and she started tearing up before she started singing and i was like NOOOOO BABY she almost made me cry ;~; anyways YES I LOVE HEIZE U SHOULD LISTEN TO HER IF U HAVENT YET

i had only rly listened to Energetic and I only knew ong seongwu before seeing wanna one, but HOLY SHIT they blew me away!!!!! i was really impressed by their choreo and they’re really great performers! their songs are catchy af damn!! AND ALL THE MEMBERS ARE CUTE like daniel?? ??? hot as fuck???? he had on this earring and im like damn?? what is this guy doing to me lmaooo

i hadn’t listened to any NCT 127 besides cherry bomb and I thought it was an okayish song, but again i was SO IMPRESSED by their performance!!! they were so on point for choreo, other theatrics, visuals, etc!!!! honestly i feel like all kpop groups are like 100000x better live bc of the choreo and atmosphere!! and there was a guy with light pink hair who was HOT AS FUKC i need to find him omg (taeyong? yeah hes fine as hell hahahah) also the bass in the staples center is SO INTENSE like my entire soul vibrated during cherry bomb lmao

GOT7 were great performers too but after hearing about the jaebum stuff im like 😒😒 also they give me a very arrogant vibe and im like eeeghhhh (sry to any GOT7 stans 😷) bambam looked cute tho shhhh

okay onto ASTROOOOOO so they first came on stage with Kim Tae Woo (who i don’t know at all rip sry ;__;) and they were wearing white/baby blue suits and they looked SO CUUUUTE they were covering Kim Tae Woo’s songs i think? and they did some CUTE AF CHOREO PLS WATCH THE LIVE STREAM TO SEE IT IT’S AMAZING

and then in the next song THEY ALL RAPPED AND I DIED LIKE U NEEED TO HEAR SANHA RAPPING IT IS THE ABSOLUTE CUTEST HES JUST A SOFT BAB HE DID SO GREAT

after doing 2 cover songs they LEFT THE STAGE and i was like THE FUKC!!!! but then i was like oh wait they’re definitely coming out later too lmao

BUT NOTHING COULDVE PREPARED ME FOR THEIR 2ND SET LIKE HOOOOOO MY GOD OOOOOOOOO M GYGOD THEY OPENED WITH JINJIN !!!!! DANCING!!!!!!!!! HE WAS GODLY AND THEN ROCKY!!!!! DANCED TOO!!!!!!! AND THEN THEY DANCED TOGETHER AND I WENT TO HEAVEN

THEIR OUTFITS WERE SOOOOO GOOOOOD they were all wearing tight black pants and eunwoo and sanha had on white graphic tees with black blazers and jinjin had a nice black striped dress shirt and mj had this super cool black and white jacket and ROCKY??? HAD A BEAUTIFUL WHITE DRESS SHIRT THAT HE SWEATED COMPLETELY THRU AND U COULD SEE HIS CHEST AASHSHJSFHSJ

BIN WAS ON ANOTHER PLANE OF BEAUTY LIKE WHAT THE FUCK!!! HE HAD A BLACK GRAPHIC TEE AND A GORGEOUS BROWNISH BURGUNDY SATIN(?) JACKET OVER AND HE LOOKED SO FUCKING AMAZING HOOOO MAN

when i first saw these outfits i was like CONCEPT CHANGE ???? DARK ASTRO ??? ? so we’ll see what happens omg but DAMN the more mature look suits them so well and as much as i love their cute style i 10000% support this more dark look like hnnnn yes

the first song they performed was AGAIN AKA THE SONG OF MY DREAMS THE CHOREO OF MY LIFE and it was EVERYTHING to see it performed live!!!!!! and in those outfits??? i was LIVING oh my god and i got to see bin and rocky do the pirouette flippy thing and it was SO AWESOME

they did their mentions next and they were so cute!!!! also rocky kept jumping and dancing around everywhere hes the lov of my life ;__; then they were like “we have a special surprise! we’re going to play.... pinata!!” but eunwoo pronounced it PEEN-uh-ta and i was like omg what is that...and then i figured it out when it came up on the screen LMAO EUNWOO IS SO CUTE

it was another randomized game to decide what activity to do and they got “fan gifts” so they all had 1 min to decorate a tshirt to give away, and they also gave away some other signed merch!! then sanha was like “we gave the shirts to the ppl in the front bc we can’t reach u up there, but we want to give u shirts too!!” and they brought out TSHIRT CANNONS HAHAH but they only shot as far as the lowest tier boooo :c

then they performed a shortened version of breathless and IT WAS AMAZING TO WITNESS EUNWOO CARRYING MJ IRL AAAAAAAA also it was kinda funny watching them perform a super cute poppy song in their current wardrobe lmaooo

then they did a bit of polaris and i was like EEEEYYYYYY and then they did baby!!!!!! the baby choreo is SO GOOD and it’s so amazing to see them do choreo irl bc u can really focus on them and see their talent and hard work come to life!!!!! I LVOE THEM SO MUCH AND I AM SO PROUD!!!! THEY ARE SO TALENTED AND THEYVE COME SO FAR I CANT WAIT TO SEE WHAT THEY HAVE IN STORE FOR US 💕💕💕💕💕💕