#v; innocence lost ( vong war )

[visionhaunted]

→ @skyhaunter said: who did this to you ?

He thanked the control over his emotions and his body that he had gained over the last year as he refrained from pulling his hand away from his grandfather's view. It would have given him away — what are you afraid of? You've got nothing to hide, do you? He forced himself to smile, to ignore the conflicting emotions flaring up in him and doing his best to remember what Vergere had taught him about CONTROL. " Oh it is nothing. Just a consequence of messing around on Coruscant for a year. Burned myself trying to open the door to mum and dad's old apartment, or what was left of it. Should have known I'd mess it up, Jaina was always better at these things than I am. " Why did he feel like he needed to LIE about the scars on his hands? His grandfather of all people would likely be able to tell exactly what had caused the burned pattern on his hands, maybe he would even be able to tell they were self inflicted.

His loss of control during his confrontation with Nom Anor in the depths of Coruscant had been his greatest shame. He had used the force with the intent to kill, with the DESIRE to make the Vong pay for what they had done to him and his home. It had been so easy to reach out into the dark and let it flow through him — it had been so freeing. Years of strict control and restraint, months of pain and emotional chaos gone in an instant. But the realisation of what he had done had brought all of these things back upon him with twice as much weight as before. Vergere had forced him to take responsibility for his actions, to acknowledge he had given in to something dark that had always resided WITHIN him. It was his duty now to never let it escape again. So when his grandfather asked him about something so dreadful, he could not answer.

" Don't worry about it, I know I must look like a Rancor's chew toy but none of it hurts anymore. Master Cilghal had a look at everything when I came back. She said everything's fine, she just can't do anything about the scars because its been too long. I don't mind though. I've had enough time to get USED to them. "

[visionhaunted]

→ @yuuzhan said: ( from anakin ) “ do you want to get out of here? ”

It had been a while since he had last struggled with being in a room with so many people, so many different impressions that threatend to SUFFOCATE him. He had hoped that, after getting better at tuning out the less important things in the force, he would be done with this dreadful feeling that creeped up on him at times and forced him into a silent rage where he wanted nothing more but to let go of it all no matter the consequences because it seemed like the only response to silence the mess that started brewing in his brain whenever he wasn't paying attention. He had almost forgotten about his brother's presence at his side until Anakin spoke directly to him. All he could do for a moment was LOOK at him, unable to come up with any words to either dismiss his brother's offer and claim he was fine or try explain how he was feeling. He could only manage a plea to his brother through the force, one that felt embarrassingly pathetic to him — get me out of here.

He hated it, needing help, needing to get out of a situation instead of being strong enough to FACE it. It was all Raynar's fault. His questions had interrupted the meeting and forced it to continue much longer than it should have. Now they were stuck in this room which was seemingly getting warmer and warmer every second, with the air slowly turning stale and dozens of people on one spot while Jacen's concentration had slowly been slipping over the last few hours. What had started as an emergency meeting of the order was turning into a chore, from something that Jacen wanted to be a part of to something he needed to get away from as QUICKLY as possible.

[visionhaunted]

→ @alderaconsort said: ‘ we would like to see the honor we demand of ourselves reflected in the actions of our enemies. but if they were as honorable as we are, we’d not be fighting this war. ’

His grandfather spoke the truth, he knew that, but hearing it spelt out like this reminded him of just HOW true it was. The Yuuzhan Vong had their own culture, their own ideas of honour and mercy and they had learnt again and again that these ideas were very different from the ones they shared among themselves. Holding them to the same standards had not worked, appealing to their humanity — it had brought them nowhere. The Vong had interpreted it as cowardice, as MOCKERY and only fought more viciously against what they perceived as weakness. Jacen had been met with similar reactions by his own peers when he had attempted to lay down his weapon and enforce peace without violence.

He thought of the praxeum on Yavin 4, on how his brother and his friend Tahiri and many others had been treated by the Vong and the peace brigade. That their OWN people would turn on them like this — it was horrific, shocking. Jacen had not seen it coming but he should have had. This war had truly brought out the worst in people and he had been ignorant to it for far too long. " I guess I just hoped we could expect honour from our enemies. That they would fight FAIR. But maybe master Durron was right. I'm a fool. "

[visionhaunted]

→ @yuuzhan said: “ one of the problems we all have is that we try to think of ourselves in general terms, and that smooths over the inconsistencies that make us who we are. ”

" A problem we ' all ' have, huh? Does that include you and me? Are you trying to tell me something? " He was not in the mood to joke around or philosophise with his brother. His arms still hurt from his captivity on Belkadan, he could still feel the way the embrace of pain had twisted them. But what stung more than what pain the Vong had forced him to endure was the HUMILIATION of how wrong he had been about his vision and how his uncle had been forced to rescue him because of it. He wasn't sure how much Luke had told Anakin, he certainly hadn't told his brother anything himself, only told him that they had run into the Vong on Belkadan and that things had gotten ugly. He imagined Anakin could FEEL his shame and his guilt however.

They were sitting outside the camp now, Dantooine being one of the few places left with any kind of feeling of FAMILIARITY after the Vong had started to capture and destroy whole planets. But the place's peace was nothing but an illusion. He could feel it everywhere in the living force around him, the aftershocks of the fight they had been forced into when he and Luke had arrived, the hints of more trouble and more VIOLENCE on the horizon. It made him nauseous. " Sorry, I just don't see the point of this — whatever it is you're trying to tell me. "

[visionhaunted]

→ @stillfocvsed​​​ said: “ [NAME]? hey, hey, hey, what’s the matter? are you okay? what’s wrong? oh, come here… “ (from jaina)

    “ I’m fine just ... ” There was no point in lying, he knew Jaina could feel his distress as clear as if it was her own through the twin bond. Hiding anything from her had simply never been an option and that was as much a blessing as it could be a curse. “ Dad yelled at me. Said I need to stop trying to ‘ play the high and mighty pacifist while people are dying ’. ” Arms crossed he sat down on one of the supply boxes stored near the Falcon. He hadn’t had the stomach to go FACE his father and help him with the cargo so he had been hiding out in this corner instead.

     “ He doesn’t understand that I can’t fight, its not the Jedi way and with the history of the dark side in our family ... I don’t think we SHOULD fight. ” And their father didn’t seem to understand. Maybe because he was a former smuggler, maybe because he wasn’t force sensitive. But then Leia hadn’t supported him either. It wasn’t fair. His siblings had been allowed to go their own way but he was being scrutinized for trying to find his? Yes, maybe the middle of the war was a terrible situation for an attempted self discovery but if he didn’t do this now he could just as easily lose himself in something DANGEROUS. “ He’s this close to disowning me if I don’t start living after his rules. I’m not sure I should though but mum is taking his side in this. ”

[visionhaunted]

→ @jedais​​​​​​ said: “ do you think something’s wrong? ”

    “ I know something is wrong. ”, he replied, lightsaber firmly held in his right hand as he used it to illuminate the cave they were currently stuck in. There was something in this cave that didn’t bode well. He wasn’t sure yet what exactly it was, it almost felt like a frightened animal, something elusive, something that felt CORNERED by their intrusion but with the Vong behind them there was no way but forward. He tried to reach out further, figure out what was waiting for them ahead but found nothing but a sense of dread and danger. “ Do you feel that? ”, he asked without turning around to look at his brother, eyes scanning the few metres ahead of them the light of his lightsaber allowed them to see. “ There’s something in here and I’m not talking about the Vong cause I can actually feel it. It just ... keeps slipping away, as if its skirting around the edges of what I can perceive through the force. ” He didn’t LIKE that whatever was out there waiting for them seemed to realise what he was trying to do. Outsmarted by something or someone unknown was just embarrassing. 

[visionhaunted]

→ @jedais​​​ said: “ jacen — you’re wearing a hole in the deck plating. ”

   Arms crossed, brows furrowed, he came to a sudden halt at his brother’s words. Turning around to him, he put his hands on his hips he seemed to proceed to look even more annoyed than he had a moment ago. “ And what, pray tell, am I supposed to do then? Sit around and do nothing? I am trying to come up with solutions here so don’t interrupt me. ” Why was it that every time they reunited these days they just ended up fighting? He wanted to help, they both did, he KNEW that but they couldn’t agree on how and the frustration of being unable to do anyhing at the moment only further drove them both mad as time went on. “ I don’t need your comments right now, Anakin! I’m getting enough of those from dad and people like master Durron. ” He could live with the fact his father disagreed with him, he usually did. It was the fact that a lot of JEDI were starting to disagree with him too that worried him. What if he was on the wrong path? What if he was wrong again? 

[visionhaunted]

→ @memcriaes​​ said: ‘ you don’t want to ask me that. ’ (from jaina)

   “ And why not? I think I deserve an answer. ” He wasn’t sure why he had decided to confront his twin today. Maybe it was that the pain that her rejection had caused him was becoming too much, maybe it had build up specifically today alongside the frustration and grief of the last days that he had not managed to get under control in a satisfying way yet. Whatever it was he WANTED to lash out, to get angry, to get a justification from Jaina. Why? Why was she giving him the cold shoulder now?

    It should have worried him how good the anger felt, how he longed to let it out but not knowing how to let go of it entirely. “ I didn’t go blind while I was away, Jaina! I FELT it through the bond. You did think things would be easier if I hadn’t returned. I don’t even need to ask I know it! I know you better than anyone else of course I know! ” Jacen rarely raised his voice at his own twin, even when he got mad at her he usually treated her differently than most others but this time all he could think about was how much her rejection had hurt him. How he had waited a whole year in partly forced partly self imposed isolation ( for her protection! ) to finally be reunited with his OTHER HALF just for her to turn away from him instead. It wasn’t fair!

[visionhaunted]

→ anonymous said: vergere vc "any road followed precisely to its end leads precisely nowhere."

    “ I am not one to blindly follow a path, I do not think that is one of the lessons I need to learn. ” But maybe he did, maybe he had a lot more to learn than he thought he did. Every time he was so certain he had reached his goal it seemed to slip away from him again. An endless uphill battle that he might turn out to be a FOOL for even trying to end successfully. It was certainly what he felt like lately. A fool. Vergere’s words echoing in his head even when she wasn’t around it was almost like she had become a part of his thought process. He had caught himself many times wondering — what would Vergere do? And he wasn’t sure if he should do the opposite of that or follow her advice. Then again maybe the answer lay in something in between. He didn’t like that option, no clear answer. It didn’t SUIT his view of things and his way of thinking of the world, his decisions. He needed clear answers, direction but it seemed he wouldn’t get it. He had to decide for himself what paths he wanted to follow and when to deviate from them.