#v:we were tangled up like branches in a flood

[neonbitemarks]

@ofviolentdeath

Johnny hated having to ask for help, but he'd gotten evicted again after too many noise complaints, and couch surfing wasn't doing anything to help his pain management, both in terms of physical comfort and the fact that most "friends" he had out east could be more accurately described as acquaintances with habits as bad, if not worse than his own.

It had gotten bad enough that he couldn't even summon the energy to shadowtravel to get home, so he'd hopped a flight from New York to Vegas and called his dad to pick him up from there.

He was quiet in the car on the ride home, too tired and sore from the cramped conditions on the plane and having to navigate busy airports at either end while on crutches.

[neonbitemarks]

He’d needed this for so damn long.

Johnny wept until he’d used up what little energy he had left, face still pressed into the crook of Verv’s shoulder and breathing his scent, letting the familiarity of it soothe the part of him that had ached so terribly in its absence.

Even in the haze from his meds, Johnny noticed that everything suddenly seemed still and quiet in a way that had been missing since Verv left the last time, and for once, he felt like he was actually home, and not just in the physical “place where he was born and raised” sense.

"Hey, stop. It was my job to keep you safe and I failed. I'm sorry I couldn't cope with the guilt and seeing you hurting. I should have been better for you," he countered gently, holding him as tightly as he dared, careful not to cause him any further pain.

The touch wasn't enough, he knew skin-to-skin would be best, but he couldn't bring himself to pull away again. Not yet.

[neonbitemarks]

Those few seconds it took for Vervain to say anything felt excruciatingly long to Johnny. Long enough that he thought he was about to be rejected all over again.

Even as Verv asked him to clarify that he understood what Johnny was saying, Johnny held his breath out of fear.

"Yeah, I am," he replied, nodding despite looking like a kicked puppy as sad, tired eyes tried to maintain his gaze at the other instead of the instinct to look at the floor.

"Please?"

He was quiet for several seconds, trying to process what Johnny was saying and struggling. He didn't want to make the wrong assumption, to get his hopes up in any way, but he was coming up blank on any other ideas.

"Are you asking me to stay?" he finally asked, voice soft and hesitant, like he was afraid he was going to be told to fuck off.

He would deserve to hear something like that, or worse, he knew, but gods, he wanted to stay. He wanted nothing more than to curl up in that bed with Johnny and pretend the last few years hadn't happened.

[neonbitemarks]

"It's okay. You're here now," Johnny murmured, sounding a little hazy as he finally started to relax fully, something inside him going still like it hadn't in the longest time.

"You're gonna stay, right?" he asked softly, hope drifting into his tone. "I promise I'll deal with my dad so he backs off, okay?"

"Yeah..." He knew what Johnny meant with that. It had been like a hole where his heart should be, a gaping void that ached more and more the longer he tried to ignore it or fill it with anything meaningless.

Nothing had helped.

"I'm sorry I put you through feeling that."

[neonbitemarks]

"Same."

It wasn't hyperbole by any stretch. In the time since their breakup, Johnny had been struggling so much more than before, bouncing between stints in rehab and falling out of sobriety multiple times over as he fought to cope with feeling like his whole life had been torn apart all over again.

"It felt like a piece of me was missin'," he murmured, nuzzling Verv again, seeking out as much closeness and physical comfort as he could get.

"Being without you has been hell, Johnny. You've always been my whole world and nothing has felt right or okay without you."

He was almost as touch-starved as the other and it showed in the way he practically clung to him, needing that reminder that he was real and solid.

[neonbitemarks]

“Really?” Johnny mumbled, seeking out extra reassurance that he wasn’t the only one who hadn’t lost those feelings or moved on in the time they’d been apart.

“I never stopped either. Not even a little bit.”

"I love you too," he murmured, fingers sliding under Johnny's face to tilt it back enough to ghost his lips over the other's in the chastest kiss he could manage.

"I never stopped loving you."

[neonbitemarks]

Johnny nuzzled at the side of Verv’s neck, finally calmed down enough now that his breathing had settled into a sleepy rhythm.

“I love you…” he mumbled tiredly, not caring about keeping his distance anymore when this was something they both so obviously needed.

The entire time he wept, Verv did his best to soothe and comfort him, making sure he knew that he wasn't alone, not anymore. Not if he could help it.

This time would be different, Verv swore to himself. This time he'd be what Johnny needed, figure out a way to make it work, to help Johnny get better. Even if it hurt at times, this was where he belonged. Where he had always belonged.

[neonbitemarks]

Johnny curled against Verv as he cried his heart out, all the pain and heartbreak he'd been bottling up for the last couple of years spilling out now that the floodgates had been opened.

He couldn't even remember the last time he'd been able to let it out like this, but Verv being there let him feel safe enough to do so.

"I'm sorry I'm such a shitshow," he sniffled, clinging to the other. "I'm sorry I made you feel like you had to leave..."

The sight of tears shattered what little resolve Vervain had left, leaving him to pull away and kick off his shoes before carefully climbing into bed with Johnny so he could hold him properly.

"Shhh, it's okay, I got you," he soothed, trying to swallow the lump that had lodged itself in his throat. Whatever this was, this pain, he had caused it too. But, at least this was something he might be able to fix.

He hoped.

[neonbitemarks]

"Everythin' hurts when you're not around. Even when I'm... It's like somethin' cut me open, and I'm bleedin' out, and I can't do a damn thing to stop it," Johnny admitted tearfully, so exhausted that he was willing to beg if he had to.

"Bein' without you made me not wanna exist, and I don't wanna feel like that, but I don't know how to make it stop. I'm scared an' it hurts, and I feel so fuckin' lost, and I..."

Johnny couldn't get the words out as he broke down sobbing.

"It was like being homesick but worse," he sighed, fingers trailing along the edge of Johnny's face, reminding himself of the curve of his jaw. Every little touch made him feel less itchy, less lost. He didn't understand it but he wasn't about to question it either.

It was strange how such a simple thing as proximity seemed to ease even the ever-present migraine he had had since leaving the last time. It had been so long that he hadn't realized what it was like to feel even remotely clear-headed until it happened.

"I don't think I like existing without you."

[neonbitemarks]

"Story of my life..."

As tired as Johnny was, there was still enough humor in the statement to denote that he was trying to make a joke, though it was no less true by any means.

Everything had gotten so much harder for Johnny after Verv left. His head had gotten noisier, his anxiety more intense, and every ache seemed to cut sharper and more deeply until he couldn't stand it.

Sure, everything had been bad before the breakup, but after, Johnny completely lost it, and the only coping mechanism he had left would have killed him already if he wasn't so damned difficult to kill in the first place.

He leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Johnny's forehead, still trying to ease him into getting proper rest. The words made his heart ache and he knew he would never understand the full depth of how badly he had fucked up with Johnny being half shifter.

"I missed you too. Trying to exist without is exhausting."

And it was. He had spent so much of his life with Johnny that being without him had left him feeling lost and empty. He had tried to fill that void by keeping busy, but it didn't help. Nothing had helped.

[neonbitemarks]

Johnny didn't know if anyone had told Verv what had happened after the breakup, but he'd hazard a guess they didn't, as his family wasn't always the best at even keeping Johnny in the loop most of the time.

Still, bringing up that he'd gone completely off the deep end and sunk so deep into his addiction that he had almost burned every bridge he had left and was still to this day physically locked out of certain areas on the property with magic probably wasn't a good idea right now.

"I missed you," he confessed hazily, still nuzzling into Verv's palm, seemingly completely transfixed on the sensation like he was trying to commit it to memory again.

"Everythin' went to shit after you were gone..."

Johnny's reaction did not go unnoticed and it only fueled Vervain to continue with the soft, quiet offer of affectionate touch. He wanted to give more, but he wasn't sure how welcome it would be. He wasn't used to walking on eggshells.

"I didn't say I blamed him," he chuckled, knowing full well he'd deserve whatever punishment Johnny's dad decided to deal. "Just said it in a if I'm not here when you wake up, that'd be why sort of joke."

[neonbitemarks]

A shiver ran through Johnny as he instinctively nuzzled into the touch as if he'd forgotten that they'd ever broken up in the first place, giving away just how starved he was of it. Especially given that he was half wolf, only fuelling his need for physical affection.

"He won't..." Johnny mumbled, eyes fluttering closed as he focused entirely on the feeling. "He's just worried about me, is all. Can't blame him after what happened last time..."

Slowly, he reached out and ran his fingers through Johnny's hair, trying to help him relax a little further. Everything was still raw and a little tense, but he was trying.

"You need to get some rest. I'll still be here when you wake up. I mean, if your dad doesn't kill me."

[neonbitemarks]

The promise had Johnny relaxing finally, nodding a little as he accepted it.

His head was starting to feel a little hazy from both how tired he was and his meds beginning to kick in, making his body feel even heavier than it already had, and he ached all over.

"I promise."

He could text Cy or Bells later, let them know he was staying there for at least the night. Everything else could be figured out later. Right now, he knew that Johnny wasn't in any shape to be talking through things deeper than this and he could, at least, stay for a little while.

"I'll stay."

[neonbitemarks]

Even now, Johnny couldn't be sure if Verv just agreed to stay the night and he'd be gone come morning, but he hoped the other meant that he was willing to give things another shot between them.

"Promise?"

If anyone had anything to say on the matter, Johnny would deal with it tomorrow, but right now, all he wanted, and needed, was this.

At the confirmation, Verv moved slowly, kneeling next to the bed to be closer to Johnny's level. He wanted nothing more at that moment than to erase that look from Johnny's face.

"I can stay," he all but whispered, half afraid that he would get in trouble for doing exactly as he was asked.

With the look Shane had given him earlier, it wasn't an entirely unfounded fear either.

[neonbitemarks]

"Then don't," Johnny murmured, the words barely more than a defeated whisper. "Don't keep hurtin' me."

Maybe he was stupid for wanting it, but anything had to be better than the pain he was in right now, and not just in a physical sense.

Sure, Johnny was all too aware of the fact that things would probably go wrong again, and he'd get his heart broken a second time, but he was exhausted, and he'd had enough of trying to deny that he wasn't still in love.

"I still need you..."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me."

He knew the words weren't enough, but at the very least, they needed to be said. Johnny deserved more than that, he knew, but it was a start at the very least.

"I don't want to keep hurting you, Johnny..."

[neonbitemarks]

"I didn't want better. I wanted you."

I still want you.

He let what was unsaid hang in the air for a moment, afraid to admit what he wanted because it meant opening himself up to being rejected again, and Johnny couldn't bear the thought of that.

"It's always been you, Verv..."

Verv winced at that but he knew he deserved the anger and vitriol being hurled at him. There was nothing he could do or say to defend himself in the face of that.

"Because I was fucking scared, Johnny. I was scared and I blamed myself and thought you deserved better. And you do deserve better. You've always fucking deserved better."