#v long v sentimental that’s just me. hope everyone is doing good 🤍

[princeofyorkshire]

so i’ve been kinda back (not really) (literally just waiting for louis to drop the latam dates) but this has been on my mind for a few days now. it is not fandom related, just some personal stuff involving death and grief, so if that triggers you or you’re simply not interested in reading, keep scrolling and stay safe!

ever since october 31st, 2017 i haven’t been very fond of october (and halloween, for that matter). that’s the day God took my favorite person in the world, my grandma, and reunited her with her husband she hadn’t seen in over 30 years.

it was the first time i lost someone so close to me. and i just didn’t know what to do. no one teaches you how to grieve. i felt guilty feeling relieved she was not in pain anymore; i hated that i couldn’t say her nickname, yaya, without my voice breaking. i felt so weak and shitty for being unable to talk about her, someone i loved more than life itself.

time went by and i didn’t think of her as often, and the guilt came back. one thing i knew i didn’t want to do was to forget her. but i couldn’t even mention her without this weird feeling in my stomach.

this year i opened up to my mom about how difficult october is. i always get extra anxious, and my parents were going away for a bit and it was the perfect opportunity for me to relapse. so far, i haven’t.

on october 2nd, i got a job offer from my godmother. earlier that day i had lit up a candle in my grandma’s honor, cause she would have been 95 that day. my godmother told me she had thought of telling me about the job for a few months now. and she did it, right after i talked to my yaya, prayed and hoped she was doing alright in heaven with grandpa.

so far, october has been kind. i have passed my linguistics exam that i was so sure i wouldn’t pass cause i didn’t have the energy to study. i got a job. i have amazing friends by my side. it’s only the beginning, but i am willing to look at this month in a positive way from now on. let’s go, october. show me what you got. just continue being nice, please.