#uvogin sure but not sober

[stoppit-keepout]

[image is a tweet from @ Friends_Table reading "Did Media Club Plus come out a few hours ago? YES It did but we were busy so it didn't get a tweet and now it's late. I'll tweet about it again tomorrow. This is our penultimate Spiders ep: there's a big fight, a massive fight, and a lot of fortune telling." It's accompanied by a screenshot of Neon, a cheerful blue-haired girl from Hunter x Hunter, saying "Ah, this is the foundation I wanted!"]

Did Media Club Plus come out a few hours ago? YES It did but we were busy so it didn't get a tweet and now it's late. I'll tweet about it again tomorrow. This is our penultimate Spiders ep: there's a big fight, a massive fight, and a lot of fortune telling

7:57 PM PDT, 16 April 2024 (Source)

[beigehearts]

Uvogin around his s/o who is drunk for the first time Below that there will be s/o seeing uvo drunk for the first time

We love us an Uvo headcanon/drabble- so leeeeeets hop right into it

【】 first off he would probably be drunk with you

【】 he would act no different about you being drunk if he was drunk as well

【】 so for the sake of whatever- let’s imagine he’s not drunk

【】 similar to Hisoka he would baby you

【】 similar to Illumi he would be protective

【】 so what I’m saying is that he’s overbearing and affectionate

【】 he would hold you constantly- kissing you all over

【】  he would laugh so hard at all of your jokes that if you were sober you would think he was faking it

【】 he adores you and plays into your drunk ramblings

【】 “and she called me..... a BITCH!” You yell at the top of your lungs. He gasps, “wow, that’s fucked up.” 

【】 heaven forbid someone hurt you- heaven f o r b i d what he would do to them

OKAY now  We TALKiNG AbOUT you Seeing HIM drunK For ThE FirsT TIMe

✏ he’s even more mushy and affectionate if that’s possible

✏ his hands are all over you constantly

✏ your best bet is to not be in public when he drinks

✏ but this is your first time seeing him drunk so you missed the memo

The large man guffaws and slams his beer down on the table. The table is covered in bottles- so much alcohol that would kill any normal person. You’ve been slapping his hands away from you all night just to keep your dignity. A grope here and there every now and then is fine, but when he’s trying to grab your ass constantly? It’s embarrassing to be in front of everyone like this.

You’ve decided that this is enough, enough drinking for one night. you weren’t even able to get through a single drink because you’ve been scrambling to make sure he doesn’t beat someone up who brushes his arm or punch someone who flirts with you. There’s no way you could pay for so many hospital bills in one night. 

He looks down at you with a goofy grin when you grab his hand, “Uvo let’s go home. I’m tired.” You say, knowing that if you said it was because he drank too much he would deny it and keep drinking. Though in this state he would do about anything for you, as if he wouldn’t sober.

“You’re tired? Let’s go home now!” He grabs your hand in return, and wastes no time marching out despite having been in the middle of a conversation with friends. You’re sure his friends would cover his tab. Right?

Once home, he stumbles inside and goes to reach for a beer in the fridge. You cough to get his attention and before he opens the fridge he looks at you, “Come on baby, can we go to bed?” You ask it with such feigned innocence. 

He stops what he was doing and picks you up, “Only since you asked so nicely!” 

Getting him to fall asleep is a hassle. He’s got his hands all over you and has managed to get both of you undressed. You would love for all of his weight on top of you right now but the thought of him passing out on top of you in crushing you to death is not a pleasant one. For now you’ll have to wait for him to submit to his tiredness before you can do the same.

[lissamems]

The Three Tipsy Spiders

To prepare for a Troupe party, Shalnark, Phinks, and Feitan are sent out for alcohol. This goes about as well as can be expected.

From start to finish, it was a bad idea.

Of all the groups to have to send out for beer, those three were by far the worst combination. The only reason they were even sent out together was because Phinks was the pickiest when it came to booze and therefore always had to be there to choose what to drink and that for their safety, Shal and Feitan were sent far from the other members. Feitan had found it amusing to convince Shalnark to post Machi’s phone number on several dating websites and the female Troupe member was out for blood, so Chrollo had sent the duo along with Phinks.

In Phinks opinion, the job had started off rather well. Shalnark was completely preoccupied by a new game on his phone and Feitan seemed content to just stare out the window, so Phinks was free to adjust and listen to the radio of their new (stolen) car however he wished.

The Troupe was currently stationed in an abandoned hotel on the outskirts of a town that seemed rather abandoned itself. It was so small that none of the buildings had actual names and they had to stop for alcohol at a charming little store called “Store”.

It was at that paragon of shopping establishments that things began to go downhill. Or at least escalate in that direction.

The “Store” had an inexcusably small selection, only offering three cases of beer. It should not have been that shocking to the trio, given that around ten people still lived in the near empty town, but Phinks still felt personally slighted at it.

“What the hell are we supposed to do with this?”

“Drink it, idiot.” Feitan claimed to not know much of the Troupe’s native language, but it certainly seemed to come naturally to him when he was insulting Phinks.

“No, he’s right.” Shalnark looked up from his phone and sighed. “As soon as we get back, Uvo and Nobu are going to take them and it’s not even enough to get one of them drunk.”

“Dealing with an almost drunk Uvogin is better than a sober one who’s upset we didn’t get him any beer.” said Phinks more than a little irritably.

“Ah, that’s fair.”

Resigned to having to settle for the few cases of beer, Phinks was almost hoping for a fight. He didn’t live for it as savagely as Uvo did, but he did look forward to brawls. Unfortunately for him, the Store’s sole employee was an exhausted (and rather senile) old man who waved them out of the store without even looking at them.

“Does this even count as stealing?” asked Shalnark at full volume while staring directly at the old man, who neglected entirely to respond. “Oh well.”

The job could have ended very simply after that, with the three bringing back the three cases (that were admittedly large but nowhere near the unholy amount needed to get the entire Troupe even buzzed).

However. The amount was just right for getting three of the Spiders very nicely inebriated.

Feitan was the one who commented on it first. “If we bring only this back, all we will do is make them angry. So whatever we do after this, someone’s going to be mad.”

Shalnark caught on first. “You have a point.” All three pairs of eyes focused on the beer currently stored in the trunk of their car. “If we’re going to get yelled at anyways, we may as well not be sober for it.”

“That will be easy enough for you, Shal, you smell alcohol and get tipsy.” Phinks eyed the liquor critically. Enhancers were notoriously good at drinking and he especially was very, very good at it.

“You afraid?” Though Feitan’s mouth was covered by his collar, he was obviously grinning.

Phinks couldn’t open his first beer fast enough

Though the Spiders were very good at most illegal actions, driving while drunk was not one of them. Phinks made it exactly ten meters out of the “Store’s” gravel parking lot before trashing the car completely in a ditch he swore was new.

Shalnark and Feitan were completely useless by that point, Shal a collapsed pile of laughter in the passenger seat while Feitan sat in a still somewhat menacing silence behind them both. Phinks stared at the smoking hood of the car in front of him and punched the steering wheel, forgetting for a moment that he was much stronger than the average, non Nen-using drunk.

So now not only was the hood on fire and the front of the car crumpled like one of the beer cans littering the floor, but the steering wheel was also unrecognizable and spewing sparks.

Shalnark hummed in thought, leaning forward to inspect the wreckage, “I don’t think that steers anymore.”

Phinks groaned (which Shalnark helpfully called whining) and pulled out his phone. He clicked on their boss’s name and sent the following text:

“Send hep cars on fire not feitans fault”

And then they waited.

Usually when the three of them were out drunk somewhere, Pakunoda was the one sent to retrieve them. She acted stern with them, but she was also patient and would get them food and water. So that is who they were expecting as their rescuer, not the far meaner woman who rolled down the driver’s window to fix them all with a trademark icy glare.

Machi somehow looked both apathetic and furious as she watched at the three tipsy Spiders on the side of the road. “Get in.”

“Mmmm, no thank you.”

“Shut up, Shalnark.”

“No, we’ll wait for Paku.”

“Now!”

The now slightly shamed trio crawled into the car Machi had “acquired” to pick them up, Phinks making sure she knew that his stolen car was nicer than hers. Machi didn’t even look at him as she started to drive, she just stated dryly, “Your car is also a pile of metal as trashed as you are.”

Feitan and Shalnark sat in the back of the car, both of whom were extremely delighted to find Kortopi sitting with them. Shal gasped very quietly. “Topi, you too?”

“No, Kortopi is not drunk. Chrollo thought it would be good for him to see how stupid alcohol makes people act, so he sent him with me to pick you three up.” She looked almost pityingly at the young Troupe member. “I probably should have warned him more.”

Kortopi just laughed, an almost silent sound that no one else heard. Phinks stared very hard at the Conjurer (he was wearing a mop on his head, he was absolutely sure of it), but felt the safest option was to not say anything.

Feitan, on the other hand, felt that this was the time for him to make his first drunken comment of the evening. He leaned across Shalnark, who sat between them, to stop mere inches from Kortopi’s face and say, “I will shave you, mouse man.”

Sighing in complete exasperation, Machi looked back at the other Transmuter, “Feitan, what does that even mean?”

“It means keep Feitan the hell away from scissors.”

“Shut up, Shalnark.”

The rest of the ride went a bit smoother, aside from the fact that Kortopi was now terrified and had moved the slightest bit away from the others. Shalnark was staring intensely at his phone (which turned out not to actually be his phone and was really a stranger’s he had happened to find somewhere) and Phinks kept trying to lunge forward to change the radio station only for Machi to tap the brakes and make him fly against his seat restraints.

The others were all getting battered too, but knew by now to just stay quiet.

That intelligent decision did not last long.

“Maaachi.”

“What.”

“Maaaaachi.”

“I swear, Phinks, if you don’t shut the hell up-”

Shalnark sniffled in the backseat, his laughter turning very quickly to booze fueled sadness. “I miss Paku. She got us snacks once.”

Feitan was still watching Kortopi, catlike in his fixation. “And she did not bring the mouse man.”

“Alright, enough with that mouse man stuff, you’re making him nervous.” She shrugged apologetically at Kortopi before looking back to Phinks with a far less warm expression. “Paku isn’t feeling well so I’m the one who got sent out to fetch you idiots.

Shalnark gasped again at that, a look of complete horror on his face. The next few minutes of the ride had to be spent on reassuring the blond that Pakunoda was not in fact dying. His personality did another complete turn around afterwards, now cheerily watching their surroundings outside the car.

The trip finally concluded in silence, the only other noteworthy event being that Machi had to briefly shield Kortopi from Feitan as they exited the car. She then strode away from the stumbling group of drunks without a backwards glance, ignoring Shalnark’s heartfelt “I love you!” as she did so.

Then, giggling like schoolchildren, the three then launched an attempt to sneak into the safe house, forgetting that everyone inside was an angry, almost overpowered thief ready to beat them to a pulp.

Franklin was the first to spot them, though all he did was smirk and turn away, laughing to himself. Uvogin and Nobunaga were both noticeably absent, most likely because Chrollo did not want them to kill the three, but there was a punch mark in the wall probably caused by one of them. Bonolenov stared at them (mighty judgey, thought Phinks, for a man who was like eighty percent hole) and Kortopi peered at them from behind the holey (pffffft holy) man.

Chrollo was the final Spider they spotted, though his gaze was the hardest to hold.  For a moment, the three felt enormously guilty and stared at the ground, Shal in particular feeling devastated.

Then Feitan reached into his coat to pull out a single, dented beer that none of the men had touched and handed it to their leader, an apology and an offering all in one.

Chrollo’s lips twitched from the flat line they had been pressed into and smiled very faintly. “You do all realize that tomorrow you’ll all be hungover and chased by two Enhancers who want nothing more than to maim you?”

Phinks waved dismissively, trying (and failing) to seem tough and extra macho, “That’s what they’re always like.”

The leader of the Phantom Troupe laughed indulgently at that and gestured for the trio to go find a space to pass out in. “Good luck, you three.”

God knew they needed it.