#ustp-literary arts

[abyssalcreator21]

Pandemic Thoughts # 171

It has been a while since my last entry. There isn't much going on with my life but at least I am making progress with my current goals in the last six months of my college life. I had already passed my application letter to SupportZebra and I am waiting for their response. Also, I had been somehow busy in our organization and we are preparing for our second event for this semester. There are good days and bad days within the last 51 days but I just get through it as usual. My daily routine hasn't changed that much and it is fine for me since I don't push any major goals for the time being. I am just a guy that loves to always work depending on my mood and not with consistency, but still, I get the job done. While also at USTP, I get to meet the people that I know and am acquainted with. It is great that I managed to keep a consistent conversation with anyone around me, especially meeting new people along the way. It diminishes my feeling of being lonesome and feeling bored. Anyways, I entered the SupportZebra Recruitment Hub and what I can say is that BPO offices are tidy. I love the environment, silent and you can really work efficiently. I waited for a while for my requirements to be passed and thankfully, they accepted it even though the supposed pin point person who I referred to my endorsement and cover letter was not right. But, that is how life works after all. Sometimes mistakes are there to keep you reminded that you should always think two steps ahead and not be air-headed. Of course, I have the jitters and the thoughts of what will happen during my three months internship, but I'll use this as an opportunity to step out of my comfort zone and act professionally even my nuances and I how present myself sometimes look like cartoonish. Also, earlier I had a fun talk with the other judge of the supposed spoken word poetry contest that should have happened but then there are issues with the event so it was canceled in the last hour. But I had fun talking with Ma'am Carmelita, she was very kind and calm in the way she talk and she has a polite aura around her. We get to know each other a bit and learned that we have also the same interests, but, life as it is, she also shared that she hasn't much time with maintaining her hobbies because of academic work. Yet, she finds time to always appreciate literary content if she has the leisure. In my case, I also hope that I could feel the dedication I have when it comes to reading books and appreciating literary content. I felt like because I adjusted to the norms of my age bracket, I haven't touched that side of me that is so deep in thought and has a lot of questions about existence. Lately and even with the previous years, I had just been this dull kind of person. Haven't embraced much of my side of appreciating my existence because of the situations we have as a family. I am pressured, overwhelmed, and scared of the future I am going to push through. Of course, I haven't experienced the hardships of life but I am aware of the future that I had to be responsible for as I get older. I am still enjoying my hobbies and maintaining my usual personality but at my age right now, I know that I have a lot of growing up to do. Honestly, I'm still bad at making wise decisions in my life and commit mistakes because of the habits that I had used to develop and continue on doing but I am learning how to let go of it little by little. I really hate myself somehow that I know it is not right but still I am highly being pushed by my temptation which is a dumb reason anyway. However, I just keep my cool about these things and continue to push through with my life. I just don't think about it that much. Well, that is all of the thoughts I had to collate within my mind for this day. More thoughts to come soon.

[abyssalcreator21]

Pandemic Thoughts # 169

Vernalyn and I are growing with our relationship as a couple during these last weeks. We had matured in our daily conversations, and also we became much more open with each other. I am grateful that in my experiences of longing and waiting for someone with whom I can be honest and have a meaningful relationship, I have seen myself getting fonder of my girlfriend. I find myself caring for her more, fulfilling her need for words of affirmation, and constantly reminding her how much I genuinely enjoy our bond as a couple. As per my struggles in controlling my lust, I am in the phase where I can handle it well. I don't find myself being cornered anymore to enjoy temporary pleasures because I am happy with my quality time with my girlfriend. Even though there are times when I feel guilty about whatever I have done in the past, knowing that she accepts me and sees the better in me is enough reason why I should outgrow my carnal desires. Every day, as I get to know my girlfriend better, I can quickly tell if she has experienced also struggles within herself; it is like even though I am not there physically, I know right away that she is not okay, and I respect her space even though I want to know what she has gone through. But although I am his partner, there are also these private matters in her life that I shouldn't pry on too much; what I can do is be with her and offer emotional support. I adore her so much because she is just damn cute when she is on her softer and childlike side. I'm glad I could make her laugh and feel I am not that far away from her. On my side, I don't want to lose her either. I can't imagine myself breaking up with her because I had felt this unbreakable bond we developed over the years of our relationship. If we tend to evolve our relationship to a much more mature one, I hope we can adjust to these changes. But I know in myself and her side that we both don't want to lose each other.

[abyssalcreator21]

Pandemic Thoughts # 168

I wonder why I am crying? Earlier, I couldn't sleep easily. It had taken me a while to relax and soothe my thoughts before I hit the sack. Escape from the reality of a harsh and grinding life to a world where I enjoy being weird and happy-go-lucky. But that is not the case anymore. After my OJT, I'll graduate and be ready for the most significant challenge any student would face, adulting. This is the phase where fresh graduates ask, "What is the next step?" In my case, I am a late bloomer. Still figuring out how I will cope with the world's demands. I am expected to land a job smoothly, knowing that I still have a lot of skills to learn to be competitive in the workplace. And one of the most significant issues we are facing right now is money. Lots of bills to pay; I only have a little left in my pocket. Still waiting for the next release of my allowance to pay for the internship and the hardbound of the thesis manuscript. I just do my regular lazy ass routine, but deep inside, I know that one day, I'll grow up with this kind of lifestyle. I should adjust and adapt even though it takes work for me.

Although I am starting, I still need to improve in spending my money or responding to instructions. My communication skills still need a lot of work, and I need lots of experience to fight with the flow of life. Even in myself, I also have my own demons to fight, and the feeling of loneliness is still lingering. My friends, organization, and loving girlfriend support me in everything I do. Still, have you ever felt that, hopefully, they are just with you most of the time? My college life has its great and worse moments. I could barely enjoy college in whatever it had to offer me. I also haven't given myself a push to participate in these activities or expand my social circle by taking a move first. I tried, and I tried, but as always, I felt like being a late bloomer has many disadvantages, like not being able to relate to how my peers also spend their lives. I am that far in achieving youth and maturity in my own life. It's hard to feel like I can't quickly vent out whatever I want to say because my family doesn't discuss how my brother and I are doing with our lives. In honesty, I am tired of being nagged as always that I don't have what it takes to earn dough and compete with the harshness of life. I felt like shit being told that I am still their son who isn't aware of my responsibilities and just sucks on the idea that I cannot take care of myself or embarrass them. Is it my fault that growing up, I have endured all of my problems alone and haven't told them one single thing about how I have been throughout my life. It wasn't easy crying alone in the middle of the night, thinking, have I done enough to make them believe I can. I am always down on my knees and understand them because they are the ones who earn money and not me. It's like I felt that I am invalidated by my own capacity to live and step on my own feet. I can do it; I know I can handle my own in the field of work and will willingly provide. But how I am constantly being belittled, unable to speak my voice, and continually finding ways in my own problems, these are just the reasons why I develop such doubts and insecurities because I felt that none of this would matter anyway to them. My parents just want to see the ideal son they expect of me. A man who can provide and stand on his own after graduation and not this silly and wacky side of mine whom they thought an embarrassing attitude and nuances to keep while I am already 23 years old.

I love my parents, and I appreciate the sacrifices that they have made to make me who I am today. But being invalidated of my capabilities and being called rude when I just want to calmly speak my side annoys me. I really hate this toxic Filipino family culture. But I have no choice but to continue and keep on living. Nothing will do well if I choose the path of being demotivated and giving up. Of course, the journey will be challenging for me in the next few years, but that's how life works. You can be challenged most of the time, but somehow, you can be vulnerable and break down. I had my share of good and bad moments in my life, and it wasn't an easy track to get in this period of my life, but I am proud of it even though I haven't enjoyed what life has in store for me.

[abyssalcreator21]

Pandemic Thoughts # 162

It has been also a week since my last entry on my blog. As usual, there are nothing interesting to write about within this week because I am just usually staying at home and doing my lazy routine. In honesty, being at home doing nothing just made me feel dull. There is still no update with our thesis paper and we are just waiting for the raw results in order for us to start finishing our thesis paper. Bills have already been paid for the month but then, more bills to come in the next months. Surely, the problem of money will just swirl around till my parents become old and I'll also take part of helping my family with the finances. Really, it's just tiring to do nothing. Yes, it has its perks aside that you can do what you want with your time, yet, you can't gain anything but just spend it. I can say most of my 24 hours during this month has been boring. I haven't gone anywhere or talked to my friends in person. Somehow, scrolling my FB seems so tiring that is why I just shift from movies, anime, using other applications to make myself feel occupied. I haven't also exercise a lot and I really grew a lot of fat in my belly. Been irritable and also easily to get angry. I can really tell to myself that I am not in my best shape with my mental health. Instead of being motivated to do different in every single day, I just lay around and wait for my current activities to be finished. Is it adulting or I am not just good in being street smart. I know that I am already 23 years old and for other people, they have these jobs, businesses, and milestones they have achieved in the early age. Sometimes, I felt envious about these people, living differently in every single day compared to mine that I have just been used to in just having idle days. I am also glad at least that I can check with my friends and talk to them somehow for a while but thinking of what I could discuss with them feels like I am running out of options to say. My girlfriend is also at their hometown for the time being, taking care of her mother or I think, she is just sleeping around right now. I am glad that we have this sense of adjustment with our relationship right now. We are having our me time and also we also have our moments together. But sometimes, I really do wanted for her to be near. We are almost one year with our relationship and we really haven't met each other because of the financial constraints and several priorities to be finished. With our status right now, I could say we have been stronger than ever. Outgrown some of our differences and have good conversations with each other. But in my side, there is still a lot of shit I need to take care of my own. It's just hard to keep yourself occupied and doing well with your own mental health. The habits that I have right now is still intact with me and yes, I could really say to myself that it is still a long way for me to fully move on with my issues.

[abyssalcreator21]

Pandemic Thoughts # 143

Yesterday, we had no electricity running in the place. There was a repair that was made and we have to wait eleven hours for the electricity to run again. As usual, it was a chill day for me, yet, weekends doesn't look like weekends anymore but more like five minutes of relaxation. it was hot indeed at that moment. I felt sweat in my body and somehow there was no gust of the wind to cool me over. It was just a hassle to feel, yet, I do scroll on the social media and just do my regular scrolling and sharing of memes. I even do have conversations with my online friends and I just lived through the day like everyone else.

But, morbid thoughts still come at me like a rampage. I just had thoughts of myself wanting to stab myself in the chest. I feel anxious at that moment, curious of what excruciating pain can I experience. Yet, the thought just diminished and I recovered from it completely.

That is how I had my self-reflection yesterday at the beach. Maybe my thoughts are just getting worse because I am not interacting with people that much. I am just in my own space and somehow I am dreaded by the silence it makes. Right now, I haven't felt rejuvenated when I slept. I have only 5 hours of sleep today and I still feel weak. Maybe, I'll juice up later. But going back, I did realize that being with different kinds of people help me to become much occupied and never think of the morbid stuff. I know that in the science aspect there is something in the brain that prevents it to do stuff that will cause harm to the body. I am blessed because I haven't experience that much drama in my life to have myself break down and give a middle finger on life. Yet, I am also affected by other people's situation too. It feels like they also have their individual struggles and they want to overcome it. Something in their mind wants to do harm but in the same time, they want to feel alive during their moments of breathing the modern not-so-fresh air. Scrolling down into my Facebook, I have seen several motivational posts that my classmates have posted and I have come to take the hint that there is something bothering them. And, sometimes, you just need people. You need someone to talk to and open up about your shit. I have realized and accepted yesterday that it will take a long time for me to overcome my struggles right now, in my control against my sexual thoughts, impulsive tendencies that make me want to stab myself in the chest, and more thoughts that really affects my day to day routine. These aspects about myself are the ones I wanted to consult with. I wanted to have a chance again to talk to a counselor and help me with this struggle I face against my own demons. Even though it is not easy, it can be done. I just need to be grittier and never let my thoughts control me that easily. I should learn to embrace it and not let myself to fall down into the abyss until my existence is undefined.

[abyssalcreator21]

Pandemic Thoughts # 150

I just woke up in my nap right now after going to school earlier to manage our questionnaire for our thesis paper. It was just fast and the great news about it is that there are no revisions left for us to finish, except adding statements for some of our statement of the problem, giving it a well-balanced structure. We are almost ready for our data gathering for November with two of the validators approving of our questionnaire and we are ready to go. This is just one of the proofs that all of us are doing well with our thesis paper and all of us are contributing with the completion. Although, it is tiring to go back and forth in the university, I am the glad that the sacrifices are worth the effort. My team mates just proves me that everyday they have done their part with our paper and we are smoothly sailing in the process. I think in the next weeks, we would go to the office to see if our questionnaire is approved and we are ready to do our data gathering in Barangay Carmen. I am seeing now the bigger picture with our thesis paper and we are surely going to defend this. With the effort that my classmates/thesismates do to make sure our paper is in the right track, I am sure we are going to have a 1.0 grade with this. Manifesting and working on this.

[abyssalcreator21]

Pandemic Thoughts # 149

Yesterday, I just slept alone in our house and it was a new experience for me. It is like I live in a boarding house and I am the one responsible with the cleaning, cooking, and house chores that my mother use to do when she is around. She didn't know I was the only one the slept the last night and to be honest, it was a great feeling to have that I have been the king of this house for just one night. Well, I just talked to my girlfriend later on and watched "Halloween Ends," yet, I got bored, then, doing my private shenanigans.

Honestly, it was a new experience for me yesterday to have my I.D replaced. It had really taken half a day of going back and forth, getting in line, and just being patient of the process of replacing my I.D. Well, there are people that I was annoyed at by their sarcasms and shit, but, my lips just quivered and I let the words slip outside of their ears. The longest part of the process is getting the notary. Imagine I wake up at 4 A.M. in the morning, prepare myself for getting the replacement I.D. that I have lost on the PUJ, and went into PAO without knowing that they need Barangay Clearance or any proof of identification. Luckily that the allowance my mother gave me have survived within the day. I have plans actually today to go in USTP, but since our meeting with Dr. Cuarteros has been moved on Thursday. The money was just enough for the jeepney and motorela fares. Getting the Brgy. Clearance was too pricey like the amount was 60 pesos and I haven't made a copy of it. Next time, I really note to myself I should always have photocopies. It is one of the essential matters when passing the documents to government buildings. It had taken at least 20 to 30 minutes to finalize my notarized affidavit of loss and after I spent a time on going back and forth on PAO, I went to USTP and settled the replacement I.D. Yet, one problem struck again, I had no payment for the I.D string. I'm glad at least that one teacher just recently graduate and teach at the college of arts and sciences have helped me with the payment for the I.D string. He is currently studying theology and I have seen in him that he really knew his purpose in life. He knew what to do already. Also, he have bought me lunch which I was thankful for and I have ate it along with a cold C2 drink before settling my replacement I.D.

The process was fast and I thought I would line again to take a picture of my I.D, yet it was not necessary after all since there is the picture I have sent on my online application for the school I.D, year 2022-2023. Well, because I am tired and weary of going back and forth, I haven't noticed that when I bought my I.D sling that I have asked in the wrong counter. The lady who was in charge was really bullshit with her way of talking and I was kind of pissed. Yet, that isn't her fault and it was mine. But, to sarcastically reprimand me of my mistake that I am not able to read, "sorry, if I haven't heard you said that I should move to Counter 6. Really, separate payments does get me pissed off. But I do understand also why they follow this system. It is much well-distributed passing of work after all. And yes, after a half day of going back and forth in taking care of my I.D, I had finally get my new one. Who really thought that losing a government issued I.D would take a long and challenging process to have it replaced. That is why I should be careful more often, especially in my case that I have high tendencies of forgetting things. One of the things I hate about myself. Really, yesterday's events have worn me when I got home, yet, I just did my part to at least finish the remaining tasks I have for the day. From now on, I'll be much prepared when prioritizing my requirements for work. A note to myself. That will be all for this time. Peace out!

[abyssalcreator21]

Pandemic Thoughts #142

Yesterday, I had two meetings that I have attended on the same day. First, I have attended our virtual meeting with our moderator, Sir Efren and we had discussed several important agendas on the birth of our organization. The new name of our organization is Haraya at Mga Letra. According to our moderator, Haraya is a terminology in Filipino that means "imagination," he wants something that is creative and not just a common name for the organization, in that matters a lot of future students are interested to join the cause of writing. It was a great start indeed for our organization indeed and we are taking the necessary steps little by little. First, one of our initial plans is in our next meetings, we plan to hone the pieces that was critiqued little by little, and we would divulge in tackling in the different genres of writing, from plays to novels. I do hope that someday we would have a collaboration between the literary arts and the theater. We would like to visualize our pieces that it would really materialize in any forms mostly in printed works but also in other medias. I was just so happy because at least I have experienced this kind of opportunity to be part of a pioneering organization that really sticks on the talent that I have, originally. It was just looking back when I was in my SPA days, I was just a introverted person that time, I was different, I can't blend well with my other peers, they tend to be the usual go with the flow style and that is how their life works. But for me, it was different. It was always a solitary journey and it was hard to express what I want to express. That is why I loved writing in the first place. It was my home among all homes of my existence here on this planet. And maybe I have purpose with my writing skills after all. There is more to what just awaits for me.

Second, we had our update on our thesis paper along with our thesis adviser, our tough love teacher, Ma'am Anj. She really values friendship and also she is tough when it comes to our thesis. We are really on a head start right now in our thesis paper but that doesn't mean that we should slack also. I have already set the preparations for the validation of the questionnaires and yeah, I do admit that I have still my attitudes in thinking complicated rather than thinking logical. I am panicking, feeling anxious and uncertain, and I know it is normal to feel this way when it comes to big tasks especially like this undergraduate thesis of ours which is equivalent of 6 units. But, Ma'am Anj always sees the potential of her students especially with me that we are "broke in order to be tougher." That is why I would admit I had my issues when it comes to emotional outbursts at others and sometimes I would cuss our adviser in my head, it was just a thought that I just slip and I never bother to make it a big deal. I always understood the bigger picture that yes, I tend to be crazy in my acts but Ma'am Anj really wants us to learn that "it's fine to be you but then learn to be grittier when it comes to the world of work." The hardest pills to swallow indeed is that you know in yourself, you should go out of your comfort zone, but you don't like the idea of finding the hard way to achieve the results of your labor. And, it is not how the world works indeed. I just remind myself that all of this matters will fall into the right process, I just need to trust my groupmates and especially our thesis adviser. I don't need to felt like I am the "main character" always in my life, I also need to experience being a side character in other people's lives.

[abyssalcreator21]

Pandemic Thoughts # 146

The earth rotates faster right now and time has gotten shorter in this year. Imagine we are already in October 2022 and who knows in the next months, it is already Christmas and I am already a graduate. But, it doesn't end for my journey right now in doing our thesis. Yesterday, I thought we have a schedule in validating our thesis paper along with Dr. Cuarteros but it was moved in another day. Well, to keep up with the time not being wasted, I just did my usual routine of just being alone and listening to music while waiting for my mood to tell me in going home at 2:30 P.M. Also, I went into the library as usual and I just chilled out there for a while. Reading some books and trying to improve my composition skills in writing. Seriously, even in English also, there are advanced lessons in writing and even in figures of speech that takes a lot of understanding to master and adapt into your writing. There was nothing much new in my college life right now and I am just chilling around the corner yesterday, but then, I am glad that I have an organization right now and I meet fellow writers like me. It is that we have a lot with our individual plates lately and we haven't set a meeting yet to talk about our latest updates with our manuscripts. For my manuscripts to be honest, I haven't had the luxury to edit my pieces, whenever I write an essay or a poetry, I tend to just set it aside and be part of the collections of literary pieces that I have. Really, this is a toxic trait I have as a writer, not giving much a damn in reviewing my literary pieces and I just leave them on hold. But, if I have the luxury already after I defended our thesis paper in December and graduate at July or even at August, I'll re read some of my works and try to collect them and print my own copy of my CNF pieces. Writing is truly a long process indeed. Right now, I'm just keeping an online journal at least in order for my skills in not becoming rusty.

An update of my unwanted thoughts. It has always bothers me everyday right now. Somehow, I managed to let these thoughts just flow in my head and not give any interpretation about it. But then, it still gives me unending feelings of distress and anxiety. I am still identifying the triggers about it and one of it is my habitual porn viewing. Maybe being exposed early in pornography and having my sexual craving being heightened have contributed to my unwanted thoughts. Also, being alone in most times and not having a group of friends to talk. It's just easy to say to make friends but to know whoever is true in their intentions to become part of your life is something that you must discern to yourself if they really wanted to be friends with you or stab you in the back every time you are kind to them. And, sharing my experience right now in having unwanted thoughts is something that I just wanted to talk with my girlfriend and also a psychologist if I have a chance to check on my mental health. To be honest, it is still a hard road for me to overcome this hurdle of having unwanted thoughts most of the time and it affects my life in the aspects of building relationships with other people. It is just awkward to think that I have these thoughts and they are not easy to deal with. Sometimes, to ease these feelings of anxiety and distress, I just dance or sing to alleviate the burdens in my head. I just try to naturally make it pass by in my head and not put it in action. But the feeling of guilt and shame is being etched within me every time I have these unwanted thoughts and I just live with it everyday. For most of the people that know me in school, I am most of the time used in being alone and reserved in my own little world. I just act as a kind, understanding, and a friendly person if they get to know me. Yet, other part of me is what I don't want for others to know that I have these thoughts that everyone may have and it is just hard to open up with this sensitive matter because I am afraid of being judged and not heard. That is always how some of my classmates and the people I knew treat me like I am some kind of a laughing stock that they can play with and amuse with their petty words of defamation. Despite of the circumstances within my life right now, I am still grateful of the people I met in this year and for the past ones during the pandemic that they have made me feel like I was not so different, that I am also a young adult exploring life on my own. Dealing with the demons in my head right now isn't an easy feat and maybe there are others who can relate with me. There are still a lot of growing up to do while dealing with my unwanted thoughts at the same time. Yeah, being mindful with my mental health is one of my main concerns right now aside from getting my diploma in college and finding my purpose in life. And another day has started today for me to push through with the story of my one hundred year old existence.

[abyssalcreator21]

Pandemic Thoughts #139

A lot have already happened within the first week of the school year. I enjoyed being on the campus and seeing that it is active and lively. It is like I remember three years ago when I was a freshman uncertain if I can overcome the struggles of college life. Yet, here I am in this moment. I did it. Already at the last push of the first chapter in my life.

Trailing back the memories of my last six semesters, it was filled with good times and bad times. It also filled with struggles that I thought I couldn't make it, but boy I did make it. I am already a senior. Grabbing the diploma next year and making my family proud that there is a future graduate that will step on the stage. Of course, I am also glad that in my last year, a new beginning emerge for the Arts and Culture Division of USTP, finally, the literary arts is now being recognized little by little and I am one of the pioneering members of this organization. Yes, it might had been too late but then, I still have the opportunity given to me. Right now, as I am overwhelmed sometimes with the tasks that are placed in my shoulders, the class representative, the president of the USTP-ARCU literary arts, and making sure that our thesis would be successful in defending it on December, I'd also face personal struggles when it comes to my libido and anxiety, but I am also glad that I handle it little by little that I am able to continue my everyday tasks despite having these problems.

It is really true that when writing something, it takes time to create a piece that will really define the experience of a person. The experiences I have right now hasn't molded my craft but soon, I'll achieve the goal in which I could create better poetries and CNF. Experiment on future genres if I am already adept in my writing. Creating a novel that is worthwhile to read. But as what one of our panelists say during my first workshop as quoted in one of the books he read "one must be a bad artist in order to be good."