#useless lesbian tabby has A Night

[house-of-no-regrets]

No Regrets [in the wee hours]

Took a bit longer than expected, but I’ve finished the next little story! Hopefully I’ll be able to keep a decent pace on these. No overarching plot, just little stories in the same universe with the same characters. Warning for ~*murder*~ in this one!

-------------

I've been all-too-easy to wake up since I was a child; I'd often needed to go from dead asleep to functional, if groggy, as soon as I heard my father demanding action or attention. While I no longer need that reaction time, the old man long since locked up to rot, my brain is set in its ways and very convinced that I need to be able to bolt out of bed and fight God if a dust bunny moves too quickly in my vicinity.

Which is how I found myself waking up in the middle of the night, the sudden shift in the atmosphere bringing on consciousness with all the subtlety of a foghorn.

My room was silent, still, but I knew without opening my eyes that there was a spirit somewhere, and I didn't even give them a chance to speak before I pointed at the sign posted on my wall, barely shifting from my comfortable snuggle in my blanket and not even opening my eyes. Yes, this happens more often than I care to admit. No, I do not enjoy it. At all.

"Resurrection hours are noon to eight. I'm still alive and still need sleep to function."

There was silence, but the presence didn't leave, so I groaned and raised my head, finally opening my eyes to see the translucent, vaguely glowing, and unfortunately blurry spirit at the foot of my bed.

It did finally speak in a bewildered voice.

"Um, I'm being murdered."

Ah, fuck.

I grabbed my glasses from the bedside table and put them on. The spirit at the foot of my bed was tallish -- I've always been bad at estimating height, maybe half a foot shorter than Yvette? Five-nine... ish? -- and seemed to be in his twenties. There was a considerable dark stain on his chest and belly; likely blood, and the cause of his death. The newly-dead tend to show things like that, as they haven't had the time to get used to modifying their form.

I really hate it when brand new ones find me. I'm not sure how it started, but it seems like more and more often, now, the dead are drawn to No Regrets before they even realize they're dead, at least if they're the type to need my help. Wish I wasn't the one who had to break it to him. I'm not great with people.

"Sorry, bro, but I'm afraid they succeeded. Where was it? I'll get the police over there."

"Uhh... my house. I think. It's a little..."

I sighed. Right.

"You're probably a little out of it still... fresh dead usually are. C'mon, I'll take you around until things look familiar."

Climbing out of bed, I headed over to grab my hoodie from the back of the chair. I learned the hard way that sleeping is not a tits out sort of occasion when you're liable to get the dead dropping in at all hours of the night, so I sleep in pajama pants and a tank top. Little too chilly for tank tops outside, though. I shoved my phone in my hoodie and my feet into loafers, then started heading out of my room and down the hall.

"You remember your name?" I asked, trying to make conversation and learn what I could.

"Uh, Davis. Craig? Craig Davis."

"Well, Craig Davis, I'm sorry to hear about your passing. You're gonna need to possess me for this little adventure, by the way, but I'll walk you through it once we're outside."

"I- what?"

Considering how often I find myself lost in normal conversations, dealing with confused new spirits is especially difficult. Still shaking off my body's angry demands for More Sleep was not helping matters in the slightest, either.

"Possession. I'll explain it in just a minute." I rubbed an eye and yawned as I stopped in the foyer to pull a set of keys off one of the hooks on the wall.

Usually, I've got a driver. Not for vanity reasons, but after three or four near-misses caused by Sudden Spirits appearing in the car with me, I elected to hire someone to drive me into and around town as needed. But it was Fuck-This-Shit O'Clock in the morning, and Graves deserved their rest. The dead don't need to sleep, but they can if they so choose -- and it does, after all, conserve energy. The same goes for Yvette and Ashby; it was too early in the morning for most people to be out and searching for a necromancer to kill, so I wasn't gonna disturb them. I could handle a simple spirit chauffeur and 911 call on my own.

The keys were to the motor scooter; it was the better choice in this situation, allowing for more mobility and no passenger seat for any extra ghosts to drop into. That did, though, mean that Craig would need to ride shotgun in my body.

When I got out to the green scooter in the driveway, I paused and looked over at Craig.

"Hey, I know you're probably still a little out of it, so Possession 101." Script time. At least having this stuff memorized made it easier to do while dozy. "Our bodies need to take up the same space, so c'mere." I beckoned Craig over.

"So like… step into you?" He asked. Good, seemed like his head was clearing up some.

"Yeah, that's part 1."

He nodded and complied, crossing the space between us and settling in the same location, the two of us clipped into each other like bugged NPCs. It always felt so weird, those moments before a spirit actually possesses you. A sort of wobbly, in-and-out feeling like physics is trying to crush you and the spirit together, or, failing that, just kick your ass to the ground so you're not both in the same place at the same time.

"A'ight, now turn around and face the direction I’m facing, and overlay your hands onto mine as best you can." It was just a moment for him to obey, and I continued. "I'm not resisting, so you're gonna start feeling like you're being pulled in and pushed out at the same time. Space is trying to equalize. Let yourself be pulled in. It's gonna feel a bit like-"

The whirlpool effect kicked in before I could finish, the sudden snap and release of tension as Craig's spirit sank into my body. I wobbled a bit and grabbed the handlebar in front of me, then shivered at the sudden chill and dizziness. I'm pretty good at taking on passengers like this, but that didn't make it any more pleasant.

"You in there, buddy?" I asked out loud. Especially with new spirits, trying to think at each other was more trouble than it was worth. My lips moved to answer, though it wasn't my voice coming out.

"Uh- yeah. Yeah I'm here."

I grabbed the helmet hanging on the other handlebar and snapped it on, kicking the stand up and plopping heavily onto the seat.

"Great. Let's go."

"Wait, why am I not in control?" came Craig's confused voice. He felt almost frustrated, an undercurrent of emotion that wasn't mine despite being in my mind and body.

"Because this is my body, and I let you in willingly. Easier to keep control when you're letting someone in. Plus," I gave a little snort. "You just died, dude. I've been letting spirits possess me since middle school."

I felt his frustration turn to grumpiness, and then the pressure in my head, like a storm rolling in, that I knew from experience was him trying to take control. I froze and let out an irritated huff.

"You stop that. I'm not dealing with you doing some dumb shit with my body. Either chill out or get out."

"Oh- uh. Just wanted to see if I could…"

"Uh-huh. Anyhow, now that you're together enough to try joyriding, do you remember much about where you were before you were killed?"

I started up the scooter as emotions rolled through my mind, detached and distant, almost like the muffled dissociation I was used to mid-shutdown. Possessing spirits' emotions always felt weird like that, both mine and not mine, held at arm's length. Craig's was especially turbulent for a new death, but given that he had been murdered… I didn't fault him for being a little confused and angry. Even if it did put me a little on edge. 

"Uh- South Pine Street, Dogwood Acres housing development."

"Baller. That's not far from here. Once we get close to your body, you should be able to feel where it is, so I'll have a house number for the police. Don't want to have them scream in all blue lights and loud sirens and have your killer go to ground before they know which house, y'know?"

The muffled flare of anger that I felt was definitely not my own. I took a deep breath, hoped that the killer had panicked and tried to clean up instead of get rid of the body first, and puttered off towards Dogwood.

The housing development was quiet, lines upon lines of identical suburban boxes lit by flickering street lights that cast the sidewalks and yards in harsh white light. The occasional house had the glow of yellow within, but most of them were dormant. Weaving my way through the maze of streets, each one absolutely indistinguishable from the one before and the one to come, I felt terribly exposed -- and alone despite the spirit currently hitching along in my body.

I turned onto South Pine and brought my scooter to a puttering stop, stabilizing it with both feet on the ground. I couldn't help but bounce my legs to replace the vibration of driving; the sudden lack of sensation would ratchet my anxiety up even if I wasn't currently letting a frustrated dead man hang out in my head to catch his murderer.

...I should be more than a little anxious, really, but half-asleep Tabby once again wrote a check that more-awake Tabby is having to cash, and more-awake Tabby is very used to having to deal with the consequences of her idiot decisions. It occurred to me that normal peoples' consequences didn't usually involve murder, but when you live with the dead, you're bound to meet a few killers.

Two houses down, I could feel- not a tug so much as a presence, an echo of Craig's spirit reacting to his body. It was the only one on the street with its lights on and its garage, while not lit, was open. There was a car in the garage, another in the driveway, and a pickup at the curb in front.

"258?" I asked Craig, though I knew the answer already. His anger flared and I felt the oncoming storm again. I snapped at him. "That's two strikes, Craig. I'm sorry for your death, but if you end up driving my body into a crime scene or, god forbid, getting me killed next, I will kick your ass to whatever afterlife you're headed for and stay there to keep kicking it for eternity."

Big words for a short fat lady, but this is, in fact, my body on the line right now. I probably wouldn't be able to follow through on any ass-kicking, but dammit, I would try.

Craig was silent, and I could feel him steaming, petulant like a child denied a toy but with the power of a grown man behind it. With my stomach tying itself in knots and my hands starting to tremble, I dialed 911, hoping it would help quell the rising panic.

"258 South Pine Street. I think there's been a murder. I don't know the state of the crime scene or if the perp is still there, but you might be able to catch them if you hurry. The victim is Craig Davis, white adult male, either shot or stabbed in the chest, likely multiple times-"

"Wait, is this Tabby? The necro girl?"

Oh god I hope that isn't what the operators call me regularly-- I know I'm a bit of a 911 cryptid, since the usual intruder calls are to the non-emergency line, but if I get known as the necro girl I might have to move to a different state.

"Yeah, uh, necromancer, yeah-" I couldn't help but stumble over my words, now, with my train of thought derailed by the interruption. "-uh, murder?"

"Right! I'll send someone."

I murmured a thanks and hung up before she could ask me to stay on the line. I already had to stay around for the cops so Craig could give a statement, and making small talk with the 911 operator was not in the spoons tonight.

I don't like cops much, but in my line of work, they're kind of a necessity. I need to stay on the police force's good side because I need them to remove attempted murderers from my property on the regular. ...and also because graverobbing is still technically illegal, even if I do have the body owner's permission to dig them up.

At least most of the locals who know of me and my employees are chill about it. It took a bit of effort to get to that point, but now at least people don't run screaming from the less-presentable of my employees…

The blue lights of the police showed up fairly quickly, followed almost immediately by the red flashing of EMS. I puttered up slowly and parked my scooter just out of range as the officers set to work surrounding the house, then hung my helmet on a handlebar and walked up the rest of the way to watch the impending train wreck. I could feel Craig's anger boiling higher and tried my best to ignore it; Craig himself seemed to have fallen silent and sullen after I called him out.

"Tabby!"

I was standing just off to the side of the ambulance when someone stepped up behind me and called my name, making me jump and cringe.

"Oh- oh dear, I'm sorry, Tabs. I thought I heard you were the one who called this in!"

I straightened up immediately, face burning. I recognized that voice, bright and smooth and kind and--

"J-Jenna!" My voice was barely a squeak as I turned to face her, looking up at the round, dark face of one of the EMTs. She was a good six feet tall, maybe more, towering above me even in her uniform flats, with a brilliant smile and full lips and gorgeous natural hair pulled through the back of her uniform cap, the streetlight illuminating her from behind like a halogen angel.

Jenna had shown up to one of my early calls for assistance at No Regrets, and then she kept turning up, not every time I was in a situation where I'd be around EMTs, but often.

Concern showed on her face as she leaned to look me over.

"Are you okay? Did you see it happen, or-"

I shook my head, buying time to sort out words by tapping my temple with a finger.

"N-no, I uh- the victim woke me up, he's in here, uh, in case the cops need somethin' from him."

"Oh… are you getting enough sleep, dear? You sound exhausted. Do you want to sit in the back of the truck?"

It took me a second or two to recover from the way she called me dear, my face burning bright red. I couldn't make eye contact even for the second or two I can usually manage so that people don't immediately think I'm being dishonest.

"I- uh- um- w-well, it's, uh, it is like 4am--" I stammered, trying desperately to find words. "I-I guess 'm sleepin' okay, uh, how're… you doing??"

I have never been a great orator and the list of why that is gets a bit longer with every um and stutter.

Jenna's face bloomed into a gorgeous, open grin.

"I'm on 12-hour overnights right now, so I'm basically at least 60 percent Red Bull at any given time. Everyone okay up there at the House? Last I heard y'all were digging up half the lawn.”

I nodded, unable to keep from grinning. At least this was a subject I could talk to her about without making an absolute ass of myself--

"Yeah! The new girl, Chris, she's gotten Daryl and Roy to help her get the vegetable garden going! It's plenty big enough to take care of all of us, and I worked out a deal with the soup kitchen so that they get any of our excess, once things are running smoothly, and I can use their account to buy from that bulk food program that's usually only open to chari- oop-!" I bit my tongue and cringed. Right. I'm pretty sure that's technically fraud and I just admitted to it in front of-

There was a commotion from the house that snapped me back to attention, and the cops were leading a man out in handcuffs. He looked pale and shaken, spattered in blood, and not quite… present, like he had just checked out of reality for his own good. That… was a familiar look. I furrowed my brow. He certainly didn't look like a maniacal killer-

"He caught me with his wife," I said. Well. Craig said. I jumped. Jenna jumped. I flushed and covered my mouth reflexively.

"N-no that was him! The victim!" I squeaked. Jenna laughed, a hearty belly laugh, and covered her own mouth, though she was doing a terrible job of hiding her grin.

"I figured! If he caught you with his wife, it would be an upgrade!"

At this point, you could probably fry an egg on my face. Hell, my glasses were starting to fog up-- I stammered for a few moments, trying desperately to find something to say, and it was Craig who saved me, if you could call it that. I was too caught up in my embarrassment and awkwardness to realize how much anger and frustration he was radiating.

"Motherfucker told me he'd have my job! Son of a bitch thinks he can get away with doing this to me, he's gonna fucking pay--"

The oncoming storm crashed over me before I could get a grip on it, and all of a sudden I was lumbering forward, snarling words that weren't my own, and dragging a gardening pickaxe out of my truck -- Craig's truck -- on my way to the man and the cops--

I let out a shriek, in my own voice, feeling the sound cutting my throat raw. I wrested control of my body back with a lurch, falling on my ass in the yard with the force of it while the silvery-blue form of Craig was ejected from my body, screaming obscenities.

I threw my hand forward, fighting for whatever thoughts and words I could find to fix this. I saw Craig right himself and move back towards me, and the first incantation -- if you could call it that -- that my brain grasped left my lips in a single desperate breath, with a dizzying rush of power--

"INTHENAMEOFTHEMOONIBANISHYOU--!!"

The force of the hurried exorcism rushed outward like a sonic boom, strong enough for even the mundanes around me to feel, and Craig's spirit let out a yowl of rage for a brief second before twisting around itself and collapsing in with a sickening crunch, crushing smaller and smaller until it was gone.

I winced -- not my best exorcism. At all.

As the flare of adrenaline dropped almost immediately and I came back to myself properly, I realized -- blurrily, as my glasses had gotten thrown off somewhere -- at least two officers had their weapons half-drawn at me, though they were looking over at where Craig's spirit had disappeared.

I collapsed the rest of the way onto the grass, shaking, and covered my face with my hands, trying with everything within me not to start crying. I should have realized he'd try something like that, why hadn't I been paying attention- I could have been attacked, I could have been arrested, I could have had to watch myself beat a man to death and I- fuck--

The sob that came out was squeaky and pained, and I pressed my hands harder against my face, like that would stop anything else from going wrong. I should have brought someone-- I shouldn't have let him possess me-- I should have been paying more attention--

Warm tears ran from the corners of my eyes, down my cheeks, to pool in my ears, making my already-trembling body shiver harder with the unpleasant sensation. I'd let myself get complacent, hadn't lost control of a possession like that in years, and- I'd almost- fuck--

"Honey, honey, sit up for me. Tabby? C'mon, let's get you up--"

Numbly, I let Jenna help me into a sitting position, where she wrapped a blanket around me and pressed an open bottle of water into my hands.

"Take slow sips. Are you okay? Just shaken?"

I nodded, some part of me grateful that I couldn't quite see her face properly without my glasses, because I didn't want to see what she thought about me after that. She sighed, though, and sounded relieved when she murmured "Good."

My whole body felt like jelly, trembling so hard I could feel the water in the bottle sloshing around, and I kept flashing from too hot to too cold to too hot again, and I couldn't even sort out my thoughts--

Jenna sat down beside me and rubbed my back. If I wasn't having a complete breakdown, I might have enjoyed it.

I don't know how long it took for me to calm down and clear my head, but the car with the other man had left, and the other EMTs had loaded Craig's body into the ambulance while Jenna sat next to me and made sure I was doing okay.

After a while, though, I blinked and shifted my torso, then opened the blanket more and cursed at the bloom of red on my hoodie.

I heard Jenna curse as well as she stood up, but I grabbed her pants leg.

"N-no, 'm okay," I mumbled, and instead of trying to speak more, I reached to pull my hoodie and tank up my stomach to show bruised, but completely unbroken skin, covered in blood, rivulets following my stretch marks and making it look even worse despite my being otherwise completely uninjured. "See, 'm okay." This was not the first time I've had a possession lead to the dead's cause of death showing on my own body. It wasn't even the bloodiest.

Jenna sat back down, and I could see her leaning in a bit.

"Well damn. Magic ghost stuff, huh?"

I nodded.

"Magic ghost stuff."

I could see the flash of white against dark skin as she grinned.

"So that exorcism… Artemis or Usagi?"

It took me a moment to parse her.question, but all of a sudden I was completely back to myself, just in time to absolutely die of embarrassment.

"L-listen, I- y-you can exorcise i-in anyone's name, i-it's the power and conviction that counts--!!"

"Usagi, then." I could hear the laughter in her voice, laughter that bubbled out moments later. I wanted to crawl in a hole in embarrassment, but- it didn't feel like condescending laughter. I knew what that felt like. She seemed just genuinely amused. "I grew up with Sailor Moon, too."

I couldn't stop the squeak that eaked out, and I covered my face again.

"G-god I hope word about this doesn't get out, people already think I-I'm weird enough, and to- to fall back on anime for magic i-in a pinch is just--"

"Cute," Jenna finished.

I squeaked.

Jenna moved away for a moment, and then she settled my glasses on my nose. I couldn't make eye contact, but I did glance over at her and sheepishly murmur my thanks.

"The officers still want a statement from you, since you made the call and tried to go after the perp, but I don't think they're looking at any charges, given…" Jenna trailed off and looked over at where Craig had disappeared. "...yeah."

I nodded, slowly, and then found myself yawning, the adrenaline drop setting in especially hard.

"...d'you think it can wait 'til tomorrow… 've kinda had a rough night."

"I think they'll be okay with that."

[raventhekittycat]

Prompt: In which Character A is searching for a cat, and Character B has found a cat around their windowsill

An attempted at romcom and to make readers feel maybe a bit of second hand embarrassment. The prompt screamed romcom at me so I went with it. Tried alternating POVs for the first time and also tried a different style of writing thoughts. I think it’s a little choppy but wanted to try and keep the spacing even? I dunno. Not very satisfied with how the thoughts always turned out though….  Unbetaed. Tagging prompt deciders @sup-poki and @mintchocolateleaves

Edit: Italics are fixed.

It was late. Not unreasonably so but still late enough that it was a little odd to hear anyone making a lot of noise, at least here in a residential area. So Shiho was a little surprised to hear someone calling out at regular intervals. As she opened her window for some fresh air, now that clouds and humidity had cleared, two things happened. First a cat hopped up. Second, she heard the person calling again and with the window open she was able to understand why they were making such a noise at this time of night.

“Tora, come here Tora.”

Looking down at the orange tabby that had hopped up on her windowsill and was happily accepting her idle petting, Shiho figured this was the cat in question they were looking for. Deciding that the best thing for all parties involved, neighbors included, was to bring the cat indoors and grab it’s owner, she gently lifted the cat and set it down on the floor inside before closing her window. The breeze could wait.

After taking a quick photo on her phone of the cat to show the owner for confirmation so they wouldn’t have to traipse back to her house unnecessarily if it wasn’t the right cat, she set out. Stepping outside her door and listening until she heard them call again, she ascertained which direction to head. Every once in a while after hearing them call for the cat she corrected her path but thankfully was able to reach them in only a few minutes.

———

Masumi was bored. She had to be bored if what she was doing was searching for a lost cat. No one had hired her in weeks and so when a classmate requested she find their cat which had escaped the previous day she agreed to help them out as a favor.

After getting the basic details—a picture of the cat, any way he liked to be called, treats he liked, etc., Masumi remembered that they had moved recently. After finding out where they had lived previously (thankfully only a few stops over on the subway in an area she was familiar with, having been looking for a new apartment), she decided to start looking around there. Cats were known for their ridiculously good sense of direction after all.

Calling out the cat’s name every so often, Masumi regretted that she hadn’t been able to get over a little earlier in the day. She knew she was being noisy, but there was no helping it. Starting to get tired and frustrated with her task Masumi was about ready to call it quits when she heard an “Excuse me” from behind her back.

Turning around all Masumi could think was a string of crap crap crap running through her head. Here she was making noise later at night than she should and who should she annoy? A cute girl who could end up being a future neighbor. She was doomed. That was one way to make an impression on your neighbors. There was no way this conversation could go well.

———

Shiho had caught up to the person looking for their cat. From behind, they appeared to be a college age boy, only a little younger than her, but when they turned around she reassessed. They might be a college age girl a little younger than her. Either way the faint tinge of red that cut across their cheeks after they had turned around was a surprise.

“Are you looking for a cat?” They seemed mildly relieved when she asked that. Ahh, they must have thought I was going to criticize them for being as loud as they were. Akemi did always tell her she had a stern face.

Nodding, they replied so quickly they almost tripped over their words, “Yeah I’m looking for an orange striped cat. His name is Tora.” After a beat they followed up, “Have you seen him?”

Well it sounded like the cat that Shiho had let into and left in her apartment. Pulling out her phone, she quickly pulled up the photo she had taken. “Is this him?”

———

Internally, Masumi was thanking her lucky stars. The cat in the photo was Tora, and the cute girl standing in front of her didn’t already hate her. That was lucky if they were going to be in the same neighborhood.

“Yeah that’s him. That’s a better shot of him than I have, even.” She had to admit that he looked almost as cute as this girl did but she was cuter. She was a dog person after all.

“Are you hitting on me?”

Huh? Oh shit did I say that out loud?

———

Well that settled it. The person in front of her was a guy. Only a college age male would try that kind of pick up line on someone they just met. Shiho watched as the guy turned bright red. Or maybe not.

“No I uh I’m not, I’m not hitting on you. I mean I’m not trying to, but uh, I guess that was? I don’t know, I mean, I didn’t mean to say anything?”

Shiho listened as they stumbled over their words and excuses. She was a little surprised that after delivering the line so smoothly that they had backed off so quickly and lost the initial confidence they had seemed to have. Usually the boys that tried to hit on her when she did go out would follow through. As she started to half tune them out, mentally signing over the situation she had found herself in she caught the very quiet tail end of apology. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I’m just really gay sometimes.”

Oh.

Well, I guess it doesn’t really matter if I take her back to get the cat. She didn’t seem to mean it.

———

Whatever lucky stars had shone on her earlier had clearly all disappeared behind the clouds and Masumi cursed herself. Way to be an idiot and fuck up you useless brain. As she stood there embarrassed and wishing the ground would swallow her up, she hoped that at least the girl would tell her where she last saw the cat so she could just get this day over with.

Standing there, waiting for the verdict, the girl spoke again after a moment. She watched the girl sigh after seeming to come to some sort of conclusion. “Shall we collect your cat? I let him inside my place, after I heard you calling for him.”

Maybe there was a God. The girl in front of her didn’t seem to care about her accidental comment or that she was gay. As they walked towards her home, Masumi thanked her for grabbing him and explained that the cat was her classmates who just moved away. After reaching her place Masumi decided to push her luck just a little bit more. The stars did seem to be shining brightly this evening.

“In case this happens again, can I have your name and number so my classmate can contact you?”

“That’s a lie, but fine. However since I rather deal with you who’ve I met rather than a stranger, you have to give me yours as well.”

The reply was a bit gruff but Masumi could only reach one conclusion. Yup, the stars were shining brightly indeed.

Shiho and Masumi may be my ship but it wasn’t the only reasons I picked them. I knew Shiho had to be the one to find the cat because she likes animals and I wanted Masumi to be an embarrassed mess of a lesbian because I thought it was likely the easiest way to attempt romcom. Shiho has no interest in Masumi in this one at this point. I also made Shiho a few years older but that doesn’t really come across. I decided I wanted them out of high school for a change for no particular reason. Also Akemi’s alive here but that’s not important to this…

(i can’t believe that I wrote over a thousand words for this one.... the heartbreaker one isn’t even half the length of this one O.o )

[meanwhileinoz]

911 Operators Share Ridiculously Stupid Calls Ever Received That Are Too Funny To Read

911 is a guarantee of safety

You have an emergency, you call 911 and a police officer will be there soon. It means that the moment you hit those three digits on your phone and call, you will be safe. To avoid people thinking that they can handle it themselves, we often tell ourselves that 911 can handle any emergency.

It would seem that we did it too well. A lot of people call the emergency help line for very peculiar and almost dumb reasons. Some are even heartwarming. But either way, just kick back, relax, and read these amazing conversations.

#1

Not an operator, but my boyfriend who called in. He usually worked a late shift, walking home about 2 am. This shift he got off work a few hours late… BF: I’d like to call and report a fire. [We live in a fire prone area and it was the season.] 911: Where is it located sir? BF: On the hillside just East of [City]. 911: Can you be more specific? [Typing away in the background.] BF: Yes, [gives a more detailed location]. Oh god, it’s getting bigger! The whole top of the hill is on fire now! 911: Stay calm sir, we’re sending somebody out. BF: It’s getting bigger! Doesn’t anybody else see this?! It’s lighting up the sky around it…it’s huge! Oh god! Oh…oh, wait… 911: Sir? BF: I am SO sorry…I’m not usually out this time of night, I just got off work late…that’s, that’s the sun… 911: … BF: I am so, so sorry for wasting your time, there is no fire, that’s just the sun rising. Never mind. I’m really embarrassed… 911: That’s fine, Sir. I will cancel the call, thank you for calling.

LunarBerries

#2

Had another woman call saying her cat was stuck in a tree. I just knew she wanted the fire department to come save the cat, so I got my “that’s only in movies/TV” speech ready. Then she said “…so my husband climbed up to get the cat and now he’s stuck too.”

arjayim

#3

A quite pregnant (don’t remember exactly how far along, but definitely past 30 weeks) woman calls to say that her doctor told her to refrain from having sex for the rest of the pregnancy and she didn’t understand why. I looked at her file, and saw she was having pre-term contractions, so I explained that sexual activity can cause contractions, so it was safer to abstain so the baby could stay inside as long as possible. She tearfully exclaims, “But how will I feed the baby?!?” Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, could you repeat that?” Patient: “How will I feed the baby if I can’t have sex?!?” The patient was convinced that her baby was living off of her boyfriend’s semen, and that it would starve if they stopped having sex. I explained about the umbilical cord, etc. but she refused to believe me until I asked her about single moms, lesbian moms, etc. and asked how she though their babies fed and grew. After a moment of silence, she thanked me, and started to hang up the phone, but not before I heard her screaming her boyfriends name. That man had a good thing going for a while there. I honestly wasn’t sure if I felt more sorry for him, or a baby growing up in that household.

nursejacqueline

Just after I got cut loose from training, I received a priority one (meaning immediate response) animal ordinance call. Usually, this call is reserved for animals in traffic or vicious animals, where there is the potential for immediate threat to life. The reporting party was a parent attending a school function. Caller advised there was a raccoon loose in the school. I dispatched two officers to the call and they made it on scene. The officer then broadcasts the “suspect” description via radio. “Suspect is small, fast, and wearing a bandit mask. May have robbed a couple of trash cans. We lost him in a foot pursuit.”

infinibelle

One woman called because she thought her house was being shot at. Turns out she forgot about her eggs boiling on the stove and they exploded. I wanted to give her a hug though, she was just a little old lady.

mayaseye

A woman dialled 999 to say there were men in her house trying to take her away. The men in question were police officers who had come to arrest her

MrBarwell

One guy called FRANTICALLY saying that he saw the dead body of a young woman, early 20s, wearing nothing but shorts. He gave a detailed description, hair color, skin color, body position, the whole bit and said she was by the side of the interstate (in the middle of an affluent suburban area at rush hour) so we figured this had to be a really fresh crime scene. We started scrambling together officers to get there ASAP, a big hassle considering it’s rush hour and they’re all dealing with accidents and stuff like that. On top of that, we can’t say what the issue is on the radio is because we have too many busibodies who monitor police radio, then call us to try to get juicy details, or othewise meddle. So we have to get these officers to their cars to read the computer, leaving other issues, etc. And these are suburban cops in the Midwest, a murder is a damn big deal. The guy calls back a few minutes later. “Uh, I checked again, it’s a dead deer.” Peeved, I announce on the radio that the trip is cancelled, “it was a deer”. An officer sarcastically calls back: “With shorts on?”

fludru

The best story I have is a guy who called about a bobcat in front of the library. He called up out of breath and said there was a wild cat intimidating people so they could not enter or exit the building. I was fairly close so I started to run over. I asked if anyone was injured and he said no. I was expecting a group of people held up at the entrance by a huge cat hissing at everyone. I told him to keep away from it and stay on the line. When I got there I found a tabby cat perched on a bench. I verified the caller and the cat he called about. I went over to the cat with him and started pet him, he rolled over and let me scratch his belly. The guy was shocked and said “oh, someone has domesticated it.”

miraclerandy

“911, what is the address of the emergency?” “I need an ambulance” “What’s going on?” “I just, I need an ambulance” “Can you tell me why?” “My dick is stuck in the wall OKAY?!” “Please stay on the line for Fire/Rescue”

AweBeyCon

Me: 911, where do you need assistance? Drunk guy: At the convenient store. This guy won’t sell me beer. Me: Ok, why not? Drunk guy: I can’t show him my ID because I am not 21. Me: Without an ID the clerk can not sell to you, especially if you are under age. Drunk Guy: But other clerks let me bribe them before. I told him that and he still won’t take my bribe and sell to me. Make him take the bribe! Me: We won’t force the clerk to accept your bribe. And definitely won’t let him sell to a minor. Do you want to wait there and I can have an officer come talk to you in person? Drunk Guy: Yea, I will sit outside and wait for you.

Venethos

Not a 911 operator, but I do work for a kids helpline. I recently got a call from a panicked 11-year-old boy who thought he had locked himself in a wardrobe while home alone. I was on the phone with him for a while before I suggested sliding the door instead of pushing it out like you would when entering or exiting a room. I heard a few sniffles on the other end of the line and then a quiet “Oh yeah, I forgot the door went like that.”

labyrinthiner

Paramedic here, Once we had a young woman call 911 around 2am saying that her legs were turning blue. Turns out she had worn a new pair of jeans to the club that night.

Buzkill

One of my personal favorites was someone who called and it went like this: “I know this is not an emergency, but there is a person in a giant monkey suit running down the road humping all the fire hydrants” I had to hold back my laughing as best I could – turns out he was right, when I sent the police there there was a kid in a monkey costume humping every hydrant he came across.

Beer_

I’m not a dispatcher, but back in my EMS days I was dispatched on a call of a child being poisoned. Upon our arrival we find a 14 year old male and his mother. The mother was insisting we take them to the hospital so he could have his stomach pumped because he had swallowed chewing gum. The child was looking at us as if to say, “I’m sorry my mother is crazy.” One year later, same address, same family, called for poisoning. Upon arrival we find the same kid and mother. The mother wanted to be taken to the hospital because the kid had admitted to his mother that he had taken a hit of marijuana when he was visiting friends the week before. The kid had the same look on his face.

EdwardStarsmith

Guy who called to swear out a complaint against his roommate because the guy stole his heroin. Yes, they both got a ride.

legotech

Long story short. Helped a little girl do her math homework.

Foreversingleandsad

My uncle was a dispatcher in a suburb of Minneapolis/St.Paul, and would tell me stories whenever I saw him. My favorite goes like this: Uncle: 911, what’s your emergency? Caller: Yes, I’d like to report two suspicious vehicles passing something back and forth in Potawatomi park. Uncle: Ok, we’ll send an officer out to assess. Uncle: Dispatch to car 45, two suspicious vehicles in Potawatomi park, passing items back and forth. Car 45: Uhhh…car 45 to dispatch, that’s me and Officer Somethingerother, passing Cheetos… Uncle: 10-4

Igoe_yougo

One woman called saying that every time she went outside the frogs said mmm pussy.

mayaseye

One time, some guy called 911 because he had multiple women in his bed that he didn’t know and who refused to leave.

HeyDep

“911, what’s your emergency?” “THERE IS A GODDAMN ROCK ON MY LAWN. A ROCK.” “Um… A rock?” “DID YOU NOT F*CKING HEAR ME? THERE IS A ROCK ON MY LAWN. SOMEONE DID THIS ON PURPOSE. A GODDAMN ROCK IN MY LAWN. I HAD TO DRIVE AROUND IT ON MY LAWNMOWER. A GODDAMN ROCK.” “What’s your address?” “You’re f*cking 911 and you don’t know my goddamn address? What the f*ck are my taxes paying you for? F*cking useless. Goddamn rock.” “Sir, what is your address?” “LOOK AT ME ON GOOGLE EARTH YOU CAN SEE ME BECAUSE THERES A GODDAMN ROCK IN MY LAWN!” At this point, the map finally correlated with his location and he was in the next county. I let them deal with it. I don’t know how it turned out.

reineluxe

I’ve had someone call 911 to wish me a merry xmas when I was working at 3am on on Christmas Morning.

Stepside79

A friend who used to be a police operator once told me she had a hysterical call from a Chinese lady, who was unintelligible but clearly distressed. They sent an officer round, apparently she’d found a hedgehog in her garden and had no f*cking clue what it was – assumed it was an alien or something and freaked out.

blinky84

Me: “911. What is the address of your emergency?” Caller: “Turtles…in Georgia” M: “Yes, ma’am. Turtles are an indigenous species to the state of Georgia.” C: “Really?” M: “Yes, ma’am.” C: “Huh. Well what do you do when there is one in your yard?” M: “Leave it alone.” C: “It’s driving my dogs crazy!” M: “Is the turtle endangering your dogs?” C: “No.” M: “Are the dogs endangering the turtle?” C: “No. They’re on the other side of the fence.” M: “Well then just leave the turtle alone and he’ll go along on his merry turtle way.” C: “Ok. I guess so.”

IcebergSlimD

Caller: A deer just swam across the river behind my house. Me: Okay? Caller: Well I am worried it might be cold. Me:…….Well there is nothing we can do about a deer being cold. Didn’t it run off after swinning the river? Caller: Yes. Me: Well ma’am it’s a wild animal and I’d guess it’s going to be fine. Caller: ok

NodePoker

“I want to report an attempt murder. I asked them not to put mushrooms on my pizza, as I’m allergic and they forgot, so it’s attempted murder”

EccentricCock

Someone called 911 about a “machine gun mounted on a car”. It was the Google maps car…

CoonCreek

6:30 Christmas morning. 9-1-1 goes off. “9-1-1. what’s your emergency?” Breathless, panicky voice “How do I get the cranberry sauce out of the can without it coming out in chunks?” “Open the other end and slide it out on a plate.” “OH! THANK YOU! You are brilliant!” I wasn’t considered so brilliant once I had to dispatch an officer over there to educate her on proper 9-1-1 usage. Merry Christmas, here’s your citation. source: 4 years as 9-1-1 dispatcher/supervisor in rural Alaska

malloryparker

Got a call from a man that someone vandalized his snowman.

jwagg82

My mom is a 911 operator, she gets some insanely stupid calls. I remember a few years ago, there was a huge pileup involving several cars and fatalities. Clearly it caused miles of traffic. A woman called 911, insisting that she get escorted out of the traffic by a trooper, because she “had to get home”, and it was “ridiculous that she should be stuck like that”. Like, people are dead, lady, sorry you’re not gonna make it home for Jeopardy.

ddeevv

Also had one a couple of years ago where a dad called to ask for an ambulance because his 17 yr old daughter had a candle stuck up her anus. He tried to explain that she said she had gotten out of the shower and slipped and fell “butthole first” onto the candle… Medics said they found KY jelly with the candle so I think we all know what was going on there.

flipit2mute

Entitled rich brat demanding an officer drive her back home because she spent her travel money partying; she felt since her father was a well-known surgeon, and a “higher taxpayer” she should get a break and get a ride. I told her no and hung up on her.

milkcustard

Guy calling to argue that his crystal meth is legal because he made it with store-brought products with his own hard-earned money.

milkcustard

Caller: My boyfriend took my dog! Me: And why’d he do that? Caller: Because he’s an asshole! Me: No, I mean what possessed him to take the animal? Caller: Cause he’s a f*cker! Me: …… Why does he have the dog… Caller: Cause he’s a piece of shit! Me: ……… Alright, I’ll send an officer out to talk to you.

Rodge_Von_Dicksonbut

Had a guy call asking if it was legal to shoot his neighbor because his hedges were hanging over his property and he considered it tresspassing.

Reddit

I had someone a few months ago call 911 to ask if a tablespoon was the big spoon or the little one.

Dues1987

Got a call from a guy wanting the police to come to his address because the guy he sold a bag of weed to wouldn’t pay him Gave me his name, address and date of birth and the name, address and phone number of the other guy as well. Both got a visit from unit soon afterwards.

Cameron McManus

I have been in the 911 biz for over 22 years. If a caller starts the call with “I swear I’m not crazy” then you need to buckle up for some insanity. A guy started a call with those words after escaping from his apartment and running to the closest 7-11. He swore that his roommates were turning into giant crabs. The was going to show the officers that they were currently in giant cocoons transforming. As you might expect he was tripping balls.

erczilla

Had a drunk person call to report he was being harassed. Truth was….. He was being arrested by our officers for throwing pizza at people. All I heard in the background was one of my officers saying to him “that better not be our dispatcher on the phone” followed by some muffled talking and my officer taking the phone and saying “he will be taking a ride with us now” and hung up.

tkokilroy

Me: 911, Whats your emergency? Lady: My smoke detector is going off, and I think there is a HAZMAT GOING ON! Me: Is there fire or smoke in your home? Lady: No Me: Is it chirping? Maybe it’s a low battery sound? Lady: No! Me: Did you damage the detector at all? Lady: NO!!! I took it off the ceiling, unplugged the hard wires and took out the battery….It’s still alarming! Me: Ma’am how is that possible? You are telling me that it it’s alarming with no power source…? And what were you mentioning about a Hazmat? Lady: UGH!!!! THE NUCLEAR POWER SOURCE, DO TO MERCURY INJECTION FROM THE POWER PLANT IN THIS DETECTOR, IS MAKING THIS THING GO OFF! IT WONT STOP! HEAR! HAVE A LISTEN! Me: ….(hears no sound but her heavy breathing)…. Lady: I WANT TO TALK TO THE KING NUCLEAR EMPORER HOMER SIMPSON OF SPRINGFIELD. Me: …(Holds mic away from face laughs uncontrollably)… Lady: HELLO!? SIR!? ARE YOU LISTENING?!?! Me: Yes ma’am, total emergency, the Fire Department is on the way to help assist you… Night shift at 911 always got the best calls.

WDer

Caller: I’ve been poisoned. Me: Ok, we’re sending an ambulance. Tell me what happened. Caller: I’ve overdosed Me: What did you take? Caller: Pot Me: Marijuana? Caller: Yes. I’m dying. Please hurry. Turns out. She was just super high.

throwitallawayyy2016

http://ift.tt/2eGyCYR