#ur literally like one of the wolves trying to hunt me down and kill me

[corvid-phobia]

> gets a book for free

> its pretty bad

> looks up other reviews saying they got this book for free and overpaid by reading it

[adrianvsart]

memorable and overall funny camp camp quotes

well…after 8 HOURS, i’ve finally rewatched the camp camp series for almost the 5th time. and boy, was it agonizing to say the least. nevertheless, it felt very rewarding after i finished gathering all the quotes together.

ill be updating this as new episodes are released but these are the ones out to the public so far (not including the new ones released on the rooster teeth website as i will wait until its posted on youtube).

it’s under the cut because, oh boy, is this LONG;

Episode 1, Escape From Camp Campbell

“Can you believe it, Max? We’re getting not one! not three! but two new campers today!” “Yup! it’s really truly horrifying.”

“I’m not here to make friends, David! I’m here because camp is where kids are sent when their parents don’t wanna deal with them. Why do you think we return the favor when they hit seventy?”

“Hang on a sec, what are you even doing out here?” “Well, it’s definitely not because the bus only comes from the city to drop off and pick up campers and so far seems to be my only reasonable method of escaping this fucking nightmare of a camp. Definitely not that.” “Heeey…language.”

“Suck a dic-” “All I want is for you kids to have as much fun as I did when I was a Campbell camper! Is that really too much to ask?” “I refuse to believe someone as happy as you can possibly exist.”

“No, silly! This is adventure camp! Ad-vent-ure! My mom said so! Unless she was lying…again. Sorry about that hand by the way, just exerting dominance, you know how it goes.”

“Max, you are not leaving my side for the rest of the day!” “We’ll see about that, CAMP. MAN.”

“Tell ‘em just how much you love it, Max!” “See, that’s the sad thing…he still actually thinks that I love it.”

“Gooood morning, Gwen!” “MOTHERFUCKER!”

“Nurf, you don’t crank shit! Get down from there Space Kid!”

“What about that astronaut kid?” “Astronauts, the wannabe jocks of the scientific community? Please.”

“Yeah, so far every attempt to answer our questions just raises more questions.” “Hey, good for you! You’re starting to catch on!”

“[Pulling out guitar] Well, I’m glad you asked, because I have a little song that I can sing–” “No.” “[Putting back guitar] When Gwen’s not around.”

“You are the bane of my existence.”

“This is bullshit!” “Woah, check out the balls on new kid.” “[Looking down at her crotch] Where?”

“Oh god, it’s coming back, the crippling anxiety and regret.”

“Why would you help us?” “I’m an agent of chaos.”

“Oh no. I hope YOU learned, David! I hope you learned that before today, you only had one little bastard to deal with. But now you’ve got three." 

Episode 2, Mascot

"Oh, he talked! Did you hear that?!” “Are you a gypsy?” “Uhhh…”

“[After just flinging the camp mascot to the next island with a huge rock instead of hitting David] Aw, man…That was supposed to kill you.”

“Well, Max, we were going to make hand-made ice cream, but someone killed our mascot and now we need a new one BECAUSE EVERY GOOD CAMP HAS A MASCOT, MAX!”

“Lady-sickness. My mom used to get that all the time.” “How do you cure it?” “EDGE CLOSER TO DEATH.”

“Calm down, it’ll be fine. Besides, anything’s better than hanging with DAVID." 

"Sorry everyone, just…really overwhelmed by all this friendship right now.”

“What’s WRONG?! I wanted to spend my summer in an air conditioned laboratory! Not walking around a future Wal-Mart parking lot!” “Aw, come on, Neil! Nature can be your friend if you just give it a chance!” “…There’s a raccoon trying to scavenge Nerris.”

“It’s resistent to charms!” “Nerris! Play dead!” “I’m out of mana!" 

"Uh…this looks like the place teenagers go to get stabbed.” “…Probably.”

“Hey, so, how’d you lose that hand anyway?” “[unintelligible mumble] JEWS [unintelligible mumble]” “…I feel like you should be more specific.”

“[Sigh] Well, I guess Nikki was right. Enjoy wearing my skin.”

“[After killing a squirrel] Mascot.” “DUDE! YOU FUCKING KILLED IT!” “…Oh.”

“[Aggressively killing animals] I AM THE KING NOW! THE THRONE IS MINE!" 

"Wh-Where’d it go?! Bring it back!” “Oh…I don’t know how. This is kinda why I’m here.”

“Where do we go now?!” “I don’t know! This was a really bad idea in hindsight!”

“I WANT A VIKING’S FUNERAL! LIGHT ME UP!”

“…Why do you always have to make things weird and complicated?” “Well, I mean, I think this is all pretty normal…”

“Does this mean we’ll be the Camp Campbell Platties?!” “No, I don’t think so.”

 "…What about the pussies?“ "Definitely not!” “Yeah, I like that!” “Pussies for life.”

“…So what’s with the Quartermaster and Jews?”

Episode 3, Scout’s Dishonor

“Ah…another wonderful day at Camp Campbell. All that’s left to do now is recharge with a full eight hours of lying in bed…awake! Waiting for tomorrow!”

“Alright, guys, our first attempt to bust out of this god-forsaken hellhole didn’t work.”

“So…what are you gonna do on the outside?” “Probably live with the animals. Try and get raised by wolves, maybe work my way up to alpha. Pee on stuff.”

“I think I’ll go to my dad’s house and tell him that mom sent me to an abusive summer camp. Pretend to like him more so she’ll try to buy back my love." "That’s really dark, Neil.”

“Where are we?” “Where happiness goes to DIE.”

“WHY DO YOU KEEP HITTING ME?! AND WHY IS IT ONLY CLOUDY OVER YOUR SIDE OF THE LAKE?!”

“God, your face is gross.” “…What…?” “Oh, sorry, that just slipped out…” “Dude…” “Sorry… I know… That was mean.” “It really was…”

“Oh, we don’t kidnap campers. That’d be immoral.” “THAT GUY LITERALLY STABBED ME IN THE BACK!”

“Neeancy, boys are supposed to be tough.” “And rugged.” “And if they pee in you, you get pregnant!”

“Y'all are some ignorant fucking cunts!”

“[Dreamily]…he can pee in me anytime.” “Tabii seriously, what the fuck?!”

“That was super gay.” “We JUST learned a lesson about stereotyping!”

“You know, maybe I don’t hate Camp Campbell, maybe I hate EVERYTHING." 

Episode 4, Camp Cool Kidz

"This sucks…This is the kind of peasant work my parents left their home country to avoid." 

"That’s fucking stupid, nicknames don’t make you cool.” “Pssh, spoken like a true first-part nicknamer.”

“No one’s TOO cool to talk to. Even cool kids take giant, uncomfortable shits from time to time. Helps remind you that we’re all equal.”

“Oh, maybe he’ll give us a raise! Or, tell me I’m like the son he never had!” “…Or explain why he’s wanted by the government.” “Or that. Yeah, there’s that." 

"WE GOT OURSELVES AN UPRISIN’!”

“Max! I am very disappointed in you for this behavior! But I’m also torn, because you were clearly paying attention during knot-tying class!”

“This is just like Le Mis! Ah, I love it!” “Don’t make this lame, Preston.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the hell up! Did you nerds forget who revolutionized this place?! I should be leading you! Not "x-treme sports barbie” over here!“

"Rage-against-the-machine-fight-the-power-9/11!” “Progressive buzzwords can’t save you now.”

“Like the minutemen of the Revolution, we will fight for our independence!” “Minuteman…mommy calls daddy that when they argue.”

“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this. It’s only been a few hours and we’ve already gone shirtless!”

“Aw, man! Sooo uncool.” “MURDER HIM!”

“What are you kids doing?!” “We’re gonna kill Space Kid!”

“You guys are here to rescue me?!” “No! Shut up David!” “Aw…”

“No fighting! Violence never solves anything!” “STAB HER, BITCH!”

“OH GOD! SOMEONE STOP-DROP-AND-ROLL ME!”

Episode 5, Journey to Spooky Island

“I was VERY innocent and impressionable back then!” “…So, last week?”

“What’s scary is how much I wanna kill myself right now.”

“So help me if this involves vampire romance.” “I-It could’ve been werewolves. You don’t know!”

“Here’s a horror story, go look at the job market you’re dealing with after this camp shuts down!”

“[After a squirrel jumps out of Space Kid’s spacesuit] Wait a minute! How is it that you aren’t even phased by that?!” “Might’ve helped if I hadn’t put it in his suit to begin with.”

“Wh-what do you think about that moaning and wailing?” “Pssh, it’s just teenagers from that church camp working on those repressions again. Not that I know anything about it, just being a kid and all.”

“So…No dead campers then?” “Nope! We’re good!” “Damn.”

“What’s with space case?” “Squirrel-splosion.”

“Ah…So the revolution has begun…”

“Pssh, ghosts don’t exist. You die, and then you’re faced with eternal nothingness. It’s gonna be great.”

“HOW DO YOU KNOW?! YOU’VE NEVER DIED!”

“We’ll see who’s yawning when we’re all DEAD!” “Why would we…?”

“That seems redundant.” “Yeah, and I think endangered…”

“I AM NOT ABOUT THIS SHIT, NIKKI! SCIENCE HAS IT’S LIMITS!” “Don’t be so naive, this is mild experimentation at best.”

“You know what this is? Proof that the founder of Camp Campbell is a rich piece of shit with terrible morals and who also potentially kills people! …ALL THINGS I WAS ALREADY PRETTY SURE OF!”

“But the monsters! The wails! You can’t explain that!” “Actually…” “THE HELL I CAN’T!”

“Guess that goes to show that sometimes, the only thing scarier than monsters and ghosts…is real life. Specifically old people having sex. Weird, kinky sex. In a dungeon. Boy, that is…that is some dark shit.”

Episode 6, Reigny Day

“Under my rule, I WILL MAKE CAMP CAMPBELL GREAT AGAIN” “[Thinking] This is probably fine.”

“WHAT DID YOU DO WITH NEIL, NURF? SHOVE HIM IN A LOCKER? MAKE HIM PROM QUEEN, ONLY TO COVER HIM IN BLOOD?”

“You seem pretty confident about that. Where were you on the night of-” “Shut up, let’s go find him.”

“Yeah? What did you think I meant? I’m not some kind of secret police or something.”

“[Nervously] All right kiddos, why don’t we take this conversation somewhere else, like another room! Or another camp!”

“We shall make an example of him! Let the hunt begin!” “[Thinking] This is still fine.”

“[After Preston destroys the floorboards with a crowbar] This has escalated quickly.”

“[Thinking, after getting nervous about the judges] This is no longer fine.”

“[Thinking] I can’t believe I lost to Dolph, he isn’t even a counselor!” “[Thinking] Plus he really looks like Hitler.”

Episode 7, Romeo & Juliet II: Love Resurrected

“Please, the theater demands your utmost respect-” “[Through megaphone] SHUT YOUR YAPS, IT’S TIME FOR THE PLAY!” “Ahem, thank you Gwen.” “[Through megaphone] DON’T MENTION IT!”

“Y'know, Juliet should’ve done karate instead of kissing boys. HIYAH! Maybe she wouldn’t have died then.”

“Has anyone seen my phone? I must have dropped it while doing my smile exercises.” “Don’t admit to that…”

“Guuys, you’re just adding to my anxiety! If you don’t return the phone, I’m going to have a panic attack, and that’s on you!”

“Yo, did someone say black magic?” “[Facepalming] Amateurs!”

“Thanks for your contribution, an inanimate object stuffed with hay could have acted better! [Turning to the platypus] Platypus, you’re doing great! Stole the scene! Keep it up!”

“Alright people, get your SHIT together!”

“You’re up next, break a leg, buddy.” “You’re right! If I’m injured, I can’t preform! Hit me! Hit me hard! It’s gotta look convincing!”

“Our love is forbidden just like Romeo and Juliet’s but we will be together even if it costs us our lives. UGH! It’s so romantic, I wanna die!” “He called us cunts last time he saw us.”

“I’m gonna make that kissing scene so hot, it’ll be rated TV Y 7.”

“It appears, my son, in her sorrow, she killed herself.” “Nooo! [Seinfeld music]”

“Ugh. Why is he so sweaty? Robots can’t sweat. THIS ISN’T CANON!”

“I don’t know who this BITCH is, but she is KILLING IT! AH!”

“I need to stop this!” “Why? This is awesome! Whoo! You go girl!”

“The theater! The cruelest mistress of all! My career! Like the mistakes of so many teenage girls, has been aborted.”

“Oh, nobody plays Bonquisha like that!” “[In distance] Kick his ass!”

“What about me? Where’s MY apology?” “I’m gonna be honest, I’m not sure who you are.”

“[Holding up a picture of Cameron Campbell] Have you seen this man?” “Oh, uh, I’ve been told to tell you no.”

“They don’t give Oscars for stage performances.” “That’s how good it was.”

Episode 8, Into Town

“What did I say? I said don’t do fire safety camp and political history camp in the same day unless you reeeeaaally want it to turn into riot control camp." 

"You’re still on fire, btw!” “Thank you.”

“Eyy, we’re talking here!” “The moon landings were a hoax filmed in Area 51 orchestrated by the government as a publicity stunt designed to humiliate the Russians in the space race!” “Noooooo! No! I can’t hear you! I can’t hear you! I can’t hear you!”

“Ah! Sweet 22.2 degrees Celsius, here we come!” “You idiot! This isn’t about air conditioning!”

“Just what exactly do you think he’s into?” “Hookers and blow!” “[Simultaneously] WHAT?!”

“Neil, you go be Neil in the nerd shop. Just stay here and keep an eye on the wagon. Get ready to haul ass if you see David about to leave.”

“Eeny-meeny-miny-mo, what lame place did David go…in?”

“Don’t serve your kind here.” “Your kind? Your kind?! Care to be more specific, sir? I’m calling you out!” “Kids.” “Oh, well that’s totally understandable.”

“Him? Yeahh, he’s a bit on edge now, isn’t he? Kept saying something about how it was all some kid’s fault.” “I know what you’re thinking. You’re totally right.”

“So, he come here often? Is he a sad drunk? Happy drunk? Gay drunk?”

“He beat a women?! David, you unbelievable bastard, I didn’t know you had it in you!”

“[Coughing] Max? I think I’m dying.”

“[To Max] Don’t come back. [To Nikki] Come back when you’re 18.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t wanna drive him to murder! I just wanted to show him that his entire philosophical outlook on life is flawed and that the fundamental beliefs and ideologies he holds so dearly are trivial so that he’ll start crying himself to sleep like the rest of us! I’m not a monster!”

“You sick bastard! Your getaway from the camp is TO GO CAMPING?!”

“Just. Kill us!”

Episode 9, David Gets Hard

“FUCK YEAH, SCARE ME STRAIGHT!”

“Well, we’re gonna learn that little shit some manners, David! Because we are contractually obligated to!" 

"After all, there’s only one camper at Camp Campbell worse than him, and it’s me.”

“What do you want?” “Double desert, no activities for a week, and David’s social security number.” “Done.” “Gwen!” “SHUT UP, DAVID!” “Okay…”

“Today’s the day I get hard!” “Okay, maybe we don’t phrase it like that…” “Oh no! Rule 1: no backing down! Look out, world! I’m hard and I’m coming! Whether he likes it or not, Nurf is gonna let me in!”

“…So does he want to help Nurf or fuck him?" 

"You’re pathetic.” “And getting blood on my boot.”

“No, no! You’re being positive again! Gwen’s the fucking worst! She slacks off, reads garbage and has no idea what she’s doing with her life!” “[Angrily] What?”

 "There’s no time-travelling doctor coming to save you Gwen! Get your shit together!“ 

"Right! I know that’s probably hard to hear!” “No.” “And may have even been a little too far!” “Not at all” “But by golly, it seems to me you’ve never been very polite to anyone!” “[Muttering] God damn it.”

“Man, he is…way more fucked up than I thought.”

“[Sarcastically] Oops, didn’t see you there! [Normally] Just kidding, I was fully aware of the situation. I’m just acting out for attention. That being said, I do think I need corrective lenses, my mom just won’t take me." 

"Oh, so we’re doing the whole Freudian thing now? Everyone wants to fuck their own mom, get over it!”

“So, what are you gonna do now?” “STAB MY DAD!” “NO! What?! Why?!”

“What do you expect? I’m just a kid! Eat my farts, butt-nut!”

“Well, I guess it turns out at the end of the day…sometimes you just gotta hit kids.”

Episode 10, Mind Freakers

“Sure, Harrison, that’s it. It’s certainly not because I believe in the fundamental laws of everything in existence which goes against the slightest chance of magic even being possible.”

“Get rekt, Harrison. Why don’t you do a real magic trick if you’re so good.”

“Oh! You just got Abraca-OWNED, Max!”

“Yes, and it would’ve been even better if it had happened to Neil as I intended, but you get the idea. Magic!”

“I do NOT feel okay!”

“It’s not like I’m gonna loose sleep over it. [Later that night] Shit.”

“Yeah! I believe! Cut me in half! I’ll be fine! …I’ll be fine? I’ll be fine!”

“Okay, Neil. I got you, fam.” “I don’t know what that means, but thank you.”

“How does Harrison have the Gaul to do something so hurtful, ya know?” “Yeah, it’s kinda shitty. I feel-” “It’s like he doesn’t even care how this affects ME!” “You?!” “Yeah! How can he be so selfish?”

“I don’t know, Neil. There’s still so much I need to learn. I gotta reach level 4 and I haven’t even been sorted into a house yet.”

“Just proving that any idiot with half a brain can do that trick you pulled off yesterday.” “Wait, are…are you calling yourself an idiot, Neil?” “SHUT UP SPACE KID.”

“YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH, HARRISON!”

“The only thing I’m killing is your hocus-pocus bullshit, Harrison!”

“And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the greatest trick of all. Getting a cynical, close-minded asshole to believe in magic!" 

Episode 11, Camporee

"Guess who’s got two thumbs, diplomatic immunity and is here to host the annual Lake Lilac CAMPOREE?! This guy!”

“David, what the hell! No one told us about this!” “We’ve literally been telling you about it everyday for weeks.” “Yeah, but we never listen to you guys! Put up flyers or something.”

“Darn it, Teddy, you KNOW I’ve got a crippling gambling addiction!”

“Yo, David! I think I speak for all of us when I say that I don’t wanna become some fascist military peon!” “[Raising his hand] He does not speak for all of us.”

“BOO! Give us actual advice!”

“[Nervously] We just, uh, you know gotta believe in ourselves!” “Nope, we’re boned.”

“Oh, Jesus Christ! Campers, we are winning that FUCKING trophy!”

“[Innocently] Kill.”

Episode 12, The Order of the Sparrow

“Gwen, why is David dressed like a turkey?” “Because he’s fucking David, Nikki, you’ve been here long enough to figure that out.”

“Wow, that is racist.” “Seriously, are you offended?”

“[Whining] Do we have to?” “No, but-” “WAIT! Nevermind! It’s mandatory!”

“Tell us now, turkey man!”

“I can be nice! I’m the nicest!”

“David! You know me! You know I love nature! You know if I could, I would have BABIES with nature!”

“Resistance is futile, turkey man!”

“David. Witness me. Witness my love for nature! [Tries kissing platypus but it bites him instead] Ow! You whore! Let me love you, god damn it!”

“I can’t believe I frenched a platypus for this!”

“Life sucks. And we live in a world of desensitized, apathetic assholes. Why don’t you just get with the program and stop giving a shit.”

“That’s why I’ll never stop trying, because somebody fucking has to.”

“Wake up, buttercup!” “Nikki! No more arrows!” “You can’t control me, white devil!”

“Alright, I fixed it. Everybody hurry up and…ah, shit, he’s awake.”

“Max? Did you-” “DO NOT look too deeply into this. You suck, this world sucks, and one day we’re all gonna die and none of it will matter but if we didn’t do this, I’m pretty sure you’d kill yourself or something.” “[Sniffling] Oh, Max…” “Or shoot up the camp. I dunno, it was a possibility.”

Season 2, Episode 1, Cult Camp

“[Bursting through the door] Goooood morning, David!” “Goood morning, Gwen! Wait, this feels backwards.” “Yep!”

“But today’s the day!” “[Gasp] You’ve realized your love of Camp Campbell and everything it stands for?” “[Happily] HELL NO!”

“Ha, are pulling my leg?” “No leg-pulling here, but we are keen on handshakes!”

“You know, I think now is the perfect time to use my vacation days.” “[Simultaneously] Aw, Gwen. Are you sure?”

“[Picking on Max after he raises his hand] Yes, Max.” “[Points at Daniel] Who the fuck is that?” “Why, what an excellent question!”

“You’ve got to be shitting me.” “Whoa, watch the language there little fella!”

“I don’t really know what you’re selling here, Daniel…but I am BUYING IT!”

“Oh my fuck, he’s ACTUALLY- [Banging on David’s door] A CULTIST! YOU HIRED A FUCKING CULTIST, YOU IDIOT!”

“Again with these cult jokes, Max? Please.” “He gave everyone a "de-toxification” diet then started spouting off Latin from a book with a pentagram!“ "He’s bilingual AND cares about nutrition?!”

“[Sweetly] Hey, David?” “Yes, Nikki?” “WAKE UP AND SMELL THE KOOL-AID!”

“I would just like to point out the fucked-up implications of specifically YOU [points at Dolph] putting specifically ME [points at himself (Neil)] into a gas chamber.”

“I love you, Daniel!” “[Gasp] But…That’s not right! Max doesn’t love anything!”

“Poor guy, must have been some bad fruit punch.” “[Sigh] You’re a moron.”

Season 2, Episode 2, Anti-Social Network

“Nurf, leave me alone, or so help me, I will post photoshops everywhere of you kissing guys!” “Woah! Hey, somebody’s a little tense. You might want to look into some agression therapy. Besides, maybe I already tried to explore my sexuality…you don’t know. [Sniff] Chris, why did you leave me?”

“Oh my fucking god! Is it always just adventures with you two?!”

“It’s a chat bot.” “What do you mean?” “I mean, it’s a programmed, repetitive, humorless, inhuman, simulation of a person.” “Yeah, Neil!”

“Okay, okay. So maybe a couple of you might have critical thinking skills. Good for you, but other than that it’s all going according to plan.” “And what plan is that?” “The "get everyone to leave me the hell alone” plan. I’m a genius!“

"What could possibly go wrong?” “Everything, but until it does, I’m gonna go plug David into this thing and see how it plays out. Have fun doing…whatever.”

“Damn, Neil, you did that with graphing calculators?”

“This doesn’t make any sense. Every calculator’s running an updated version of my chat bot, but they’re all acting different.” “Yeah, I’m about three seconds away from removing the batteries from David’s.”

“Well I guess it’s a good thing we got them all. Can you imagine if someone impressionable and naive enough to believe everything they heard from a chat bot had-” “[Simultaneously] Oh my god, Nikki!”

“I can only hear about "shipping” people’s “bae’s” for so long.“

"Calculations complete. My analysis is…absolutely fucking not! You humans all suck.”

Season 2, Episode 3, Quest to Sleepy Peak Peak

“Get rekt, Mr. Waffles.”

“Actually, we’ll take whatever we can get, preferably we wouldn’t be talking to either of you.”

“[After kicking the ground and supposedly making the Earth shake] Oh no, my anger has manifested!” “Get to a door frame!”

“How do you know so much about it, Gwen?” “Yeah, I thought you had a…liberal arts degree.” “[Sighs] Associates degree.” “Oh, that is so tragic.”

“You coming too, Max?” “Still got those dice?” “Yep!” “[Grabbing the dice and walking away] Nope.”

“You can be the dwarf, because they’re dumb and ugly, just like your face.” “Aww, yeah. That one hurt. But my mom says I’ll grow into my looks.”

“Oh god! It’s chirping menacingly at me!”

“Anyone else want a twenty-sided asskicking?”

“Big deal, so you threw a bunch of dice at some animals. Kind of a dick move, to be honest.”

“This is a level 1 cave at best. There aren’t even any fire-breathing dragons or even a dang ol’ goblin!" 

"Oh, well, I guess that will work.” “[After the volcano starts to shake] IT FUCKING BETTER!”

“[After seeing the lava] Woah! Okay, well, saw the volcano, think it’s time we head back!”

“You’ve angered the mountain, Harrison! Gosh, you suck!” “I do not suck! You’re the sucking one!” “[In background] You both suck!”

“Oh, this is gonna be goood! Neil, are you seeing this?” “[Angrily] I’m going to hit you, Nikki!”