#ur lil brother figure is a fucking cheater

[knifets]

OLD  GUYS  BLOWN  AN  ARTERY,  WHEEZING  OVER  HIS  SPLAYED  OUT  HAND  OF  CARDS  !   mik's  got  him  where  he  wants  him,  and  that's  at  the  mercy  of  his  own  flush.   a  straight  line  up  of  cards  that  would  get  him  that  packet  of  ration  slips,  no  questions  asked,  not  when  he  counted  cards  so  cleverly  that  the  only  people  who  knew  he  was  doing  it,  were  his  friends  like  lucky.   "  c'ya,  dylan  !  "   the  boy  shouts  at  the  man,  snatching  up  the  ration  slips  before  grabbing  @lucklaster  by  the  elbow;   grinning  up  at  the  older  boy  with  a  beam  of  pride.

insp. na na na by my chemical romance !

[powermove102]

okay so yes, its taking me ages between each tier, BUT it time for

D TIER - Suck it up

Martha Nielsen

For someone who people view as pretty central to the narrative… she ain’t in the narrative all that much? (it’s Jonas’ memory of/ longing for her that makes her significant) (reiterating that this is NOT meant to be an in-depth character analysis… it’s mostly an excuse to call out people’s bitch moves and major tragedies)

So childhood seems cool overall, maybe parental tension, maybe somewhat absent father moment, but all in all not bad

Here’s where it starts to be fucked tho… so she basically starts a relationship with Jonas (he kissed her at the lake, then they do the dirty at her house, etc.), then literally the next day (or very soon after that) you find out his dad just suicided, and now you don’t see him much/ he isn’t there for the start of school so you just… move on from him?? For his best friend??? Literally THE other guy in your friend group (who is not your brother)??? I’m sorry but this does not scream ‘we have a very deep and profound relationship’ to me. It screams ‘I was going to start a relationship but you’re not conveniently there rn so bye’. Either that or she just a bitch. 

If you disagree with my take then… okay have fun with that

Then she does take a lot of the ‘missing people’ trauma onto herself (Mikkel, Ulrich, Jonas, her mom’s basically missing with the amount she distances herself) so I’ll give you that

And then all the funky messed-up shit with older Jonas, yada yada

And what a tragic death, killed whilst she was trying to be saved, shot dead by a random old man/ literally her (ex?)boyfriend who’s convinced himself this is all for you… can you tell it’s a pain to piece this together from her point of view? Congrats you earned yourself a ‘doomed by the narrative’ out of ‘dooming the narrative’

Egon Tiedemann

*the lil guys from Gnomeo and Juliet* A cheat! A cheat! That’s what you are! Oof!

Honestly the amount of people I am saying/ will say this for… I’m getting tired and this is only D Tier… oof…

There is no excuse for cheating my guy. Also big cheater man asked his gf if the baby was his. Girl, not everyone is like you! (I mean in this case yes she is but that’s not the point)

ENYWAYS man has no wife anymore pretty much (which is like?? Technically not completely his fault so I would feel bad for him except if she knew what you did it WOULD completely be your fault so nope, I get to keep my pity for another day), so he is SAD 

Oh yeah he had a spooky encounter with a random lady/ his daughter buuuuutttt for a universe full of crazy quirky cosmic happenstances, his was relatively mild

Then we skip STRAIGHT to when he is all grown up (I mean old, but) and he has ANOTHER crazy quirky cosmic happenstance that relates to… earphones. Ya. … . imma just move on 

Then he has all that drama with Ulrich both old and young and i guess that was odd but he never fully went into depth with it and never figured out what was going on really

Ofc, him dying at the hand of his own daughter (who was actually doing everything to PREVENT his heath) is giving him quite a few points (literally the thing that saved him from E tier), especially since they were just about starting to reconcile and restart their relationship :( oh well, you don't get a rating for making me smh at all the cheating

Franziska Doppler

Did in fact participate in the missing people / overall weird stuff happening shenanigans but let’s face it she was mostly an innocent bystander that didn’t do much (we love a queen who doesn’t do much, never lift a finger, that’s not ur job babes)

So let’s just skip forward to the relevant bit: Old Man Jonas takes you for a spin in his lil time machine to save you from “The Apocalypse™”©® and he drops you off in fRICKEN 1888!!!! Which is just btw the funniest part of the whole show, I’ve already ranted about this before but I absolutely love the implications

Oh well now you’re a victorian-era lady and you get to spend more time with your bf, good for u girlie ig

From her loyalty to Sic Mundus imma just assume she is chill with all this, they’re pretty much making the best out of a bad sitch-EA-shun

But she basically never gets to see her entire family again. Yikes, feels bad, girlie

So not the best and not the worst, well done on receiving a slay/queen 

Agnes Nielsen

Basically had no parents, since I doubt Bartosz wanted anything to do with the kids after he found out just how he got got by Adam (not even his marriage and kids were safe from those grimy, time-meddling hands), but was raised by their nanny I think, which looked ok

Got recruited and pretty much her whole life is dedicated to Adam’s shenanigans now

She has to have Tronte with The Unknown and take care of him all by herself which sucks, but again she is doing it for Adam because she thinks its the right thing to do or smth

She is honestly just such a pawn, like, her telling Noah about the notebook pages is what makes him kill Claudia (who was ok with it because she knew it needed to happen, but still), and THEN, right when Noah finds out this whole schtick was a lie and he is never getting back to his family (cry), SHE MURDERS HIM like ffs I excuse a lot of behaviour that is done For The Cause but usually they are manipulated/ tricked into it somehow, but Agnes is just so willy-nilly following whatever Adam says, I’m just so done rn

And then she just leaves her son to fend for himself. Like sure it all works out for the best for him (because he didn’t want her to be their anyway) but that is not an EXCUSE madam, especially when she left him to just go back to Adam in the future

Who knows what happened to her after that but she is a PAWN /out of/ a single game of checkers

Silja Tiedemann

So the first 5 years of her life were a bit iffy (her mother was Hannah after all, no father (unless her ma had a mans that knew how to take care of kids, but probably not because then she wouldn’t have all the attention on herself), no siblings and probably no friends (and she got that face scar somehow)) and then she was just thrown into 2041 without any warning after growing up in the 80’s

Therefore a lot of the memories of her mother were likely lost (actually that’s a good thing because then she was raised by Elizabeth, so, mother upgrade x100) and although she had to live in a post-apocalyptic cult it sounds like it was pretty chill for her (despite Eli’s likely PTSD behaviour)

Then when Adam fully accepts her into Sic Mundus she just gets to go be Bartosz’s wife (which sounds pretty good, ngl) then she has her kid

I’M CONVINCED SHE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT SHE WAS DOING AND WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN DID YOU SEE HER FACE WHEN SHE SAID HANNO, SHE WAS LIKE GO ON BARTOSZ, STOP ME, I DARE YOU, YEA HE’S GONNA RECRUIT YOU IN THE FUTURE, WHAT ABOUT IT

THEREFORE I don’t know what her relationship was like with him because it seems like he really was in love with her (bro his face when he met her AND his face when she died… it says it all), but if she knew she had to go there and have his kids just to RUIN his LIFE… yeah idk if she loved him

I assume she was actually a decent mother (½ because I’m sure Bartosz tried a lil bit but was overall very much an absent father because of the induced trauma, and ½ because try to tell me Hanno wasn’t the cutest kid, I dare you), and then she DID up and die (Agnes’ first but not last family member kill) which was kinda sad for her and I’M NOT SAYING SHE WANTED TO GIVE BARTOSZ THE TRAUMA but that's exactly the goal she achieved and she did it actively, knowingly and willingly

So overall she cannot really complain in comparison (if you look at the absolute malarkey others had to deal with), so she gets a whohurt/myboybartosz

as always, this is just my opinion, and lmk if I missed anything. this one was annoying, imma nap for another 6 months before posting the next part

Dark Schmerz-o-meter analysis

AKA the comprehensive tier list of pain and suffering (fun!)

Characters are all ranked on a scale of S-E and are all relative to one another (yes, you can be sad and still go in E tier). To reiterate, they are NOT ranked based on how much I like them, how good their character is written, or suchlike (although there may be some correlation), this list ONLY takes into account how hard their life was, how much suffering they have had to endure, etc. Points are indeed taken away if you are the one actively causing the sadness (how much depends on e.g. whose idea it was/ how much enthusiasm you did it with).

(also I'm only referring to Adam's-World versions of the characters, unless otherwise specified, because we just have way more information about them)

Feel free to disagree/ counter-argue, this is just my list and my analysis (all for fun).

(OK I'll stop stalling) So why don't we get started with the best of the worst:

E Tier - You don't know what pain is

Hannah Kahnwald

She starts having the affair whilst she is STILL MARRIED (she was unawares that Michael was literally penning his suicide note whilst she was having a smooch with Ulrich) - she also has the inability to love imo, she just has the ability to love attention

She’s not even that good a mother either, she kinda leaves Jonas alone and is only really sad because she no longer has a mans to give her all that attention (PLUS her fling left her too, and then she has the AUDACITY to ask (not ask - FORCE) Alexander to DESTROY HIM for choosing to focus on his MISSING SON instead of HER!!!!!!

And then when Jonas leaves she’s just more attention-deprived so she thought about offing herself but then thought well if I’m dead no-one can pay attention to meeeeeee so decided against it 

Then Jonas returns (33 years older but it is still her SON who displays AFFECTION towards her) and as soon as she finds out about time travel she’s like you know what this means? An opportunity to find more MEN, and she commits THEFT even though Jonas reeeeally needed that machine (she only cares about herself), and proceeds to go to Ulrich ONLY TO TELL HIM SHE HATES HIM BECAUSE HE TRIED TO SAVE HIS SON I MEAN WHO DOES THAT

yes I am well aware that he was unable to say he loves her when she did but I will get more in depth with that later and I mean, come on, man has other priorities, could you really not get him out of prison???? so he can save his son???????

And then obviously she promptly moves on to the first man she sees (married, but she doesn’t care of course) (it’s the guy she reported Ulrich to way back when in the future/past, but she doesn’t care of course) AND HAS THE AUDACITY TO SAY SHE LOST EVERYTHING like MADAM you did not care about your husband, your boyfriend only mattered because he gave you attention, and your SON has RETURNED with all the LOVE he has LEFT from this CAR CRASH of a reality and you RUN AWAY FROM HIM WHILST HE IS ASLEEP AND YOU SAY YOU LOST EVERYTHING MA’AM YOU ARE TO BLAME FOR EVERYTHING I ACTUALLY CAN’T WITH THIS WOMAN-

I’m convinced she has a soft spot for kids because i can’t imagine what other reason she really has for having Silja (she obviously never loved Egon) so she has her and then she gets taken to Jonas and PRETENDS like NOTHING ever happened, like she didn't abandon him when he returned to her to go have a kid with someone else and she didn't steal his most important possession

And then YES she is tragically killed by her own son (which is usually a trait of someone very high up on the list (RIP in pepperonis Bartosz you are loved) but I don't care, she deserved it, otherwise the family tree would be 100 times more kaput if she was allowed to populate it even more, especially if she still has access to the machine) and that’s it, she gets a shut up/die

Ines Kahnwald

So people seem to be opinionated both ways with this one but here we go

I guess she WAS doing everything for Michael’s own good - he rocks up with no family or anything to speak of, he’s real scared and sad and she does in fact take him in when otherwise he would have been homeless jobless lifeless so yay Ines

And yeah I guess you could say it’s hard on her when he’s distant from her and everything but like? What did you expect? That’s not your real son bro???

And then she has to deal with his suicide (but again, he was kinda distant anyway it seems) and you get alienated by Hannah (honestly a good thing) but all in all it is nothing in comparison so you get a meh/maybe I don't actually care all that much, Hannah has taken all my energy

Doris Tiedemann

You did cheat on your husband. Idc who, why, with who, whatever, if you cheat then you a bitch for that and i have nothing more to say on the matter

Yeah then Agnes goes missing, then they potentially reunite, it’s all tame in comparison let’s be honest, idk/idc

Anyone else who I do not mention in any tier is either not a particularly significant character or they do not compare :) stay tuned for D Tier if you want

[doggonneit]

The Last Red Scribble | Part 2/2

Fandom: Haikyuu!!

Pairing/Characters: Kuroo/Tsukishima, Shimizu

Rating: T for Teen

Warnings: Abortion reference

A.N. This is the final part of the KuroTsuki Gift Exchange 2017, written for @moonislander on Tumblr. Hope you enjoy!

Italics is Tsukishima. Bold is Kuroo.

[Read on AO3]

Tuesday PM

(11:02) so i might be dumb

(11:05) If you have the mental capacity to figure that out, you paradoxically can’t be that dumb.

(11:06) i might not play in the match on thurs (11:06) i punched a guy

(11:07) Why the fuck would you do that.

(11:08) im a rational guy (11:08) but when things happen (11:09) they happen

(11:10) I changed my mind. (11:10) I’m not letting Tobio anywhere near you. You are the worst role model for him.

(11:10) hear me out (11:11) its good i swear

(11:12) …

(11:12) so at practice this newbie kept staring at akaashi (11:12) creepy but harmless (11:12) but then the dudes hand started wandering (11:13) so i socked him in the jaw (11:13) gotta keep the bros boyfriend safe right

(11:15) I’m sure Akaashi appreciates it.

(11:16) nah but bokuto did lololol

(11:16) The question is, how many laps did your coach make you run?

(11:17) dude i ran till i hurled (11:17) make me feel better? (11:17) *sad face emoji*

(11:20) The newly discovered dinosaur fossils in China have changed the way scientists understand the evolution of feathers.

(11:22) huh (11:22) not quite what i had in mind but cool

(11:23) It’s my job.

(11:23) youre a geneticist who collects dino dna from amber (11:23) YOURE GOING TO BRING THEM BACK

(11:23) I’m a research assistant.

(11:24) doesnt mean you dont know how

(11:24) Amber DNA is too deteriorated for any type of resurrection.

(11:24) but if you could (11:25) would you

(11:25) Yes.

(11:26) million dollar question which dino though

(11:27) Velociraptor, duh.

(11:27) not a t rex?

(11:28) T-rexes were lumpy potatoes with useless arms. (11:28) Velociraptors had claws on their hind legs for disembowelling prey. (11:28) You tell me which one’s superior.

(11:29) youre so fired up its great (11:29) keep talking dinos to me

(11:31) I would but I have articles to type up before tomorrow.

(11:31) what an aDULTY ADULT (11:31) doing his JOB AND HAVING PROSPECTS

(11:33) Do you mock young and successful people because it temporarily alleviates the worthlessness you feel on a daily basis?

(11:35) savage af

(11:35) :))))

(11:35) i never shouldve went to uni (11:36) dietetics then sports med? (11:36) regret tastes like ash in my mouth (11:36) fucking murder me

(11:37) That was very poetic.

(11:38) you like poetry?

(11:38) I don’t mind it.

(11:39) hypothetically (11:39) could bad poetry seduce you

(11:40) Hypothetically (11:40) No.

(11:40) damn

(11:41) I bet you’re the type of person to fall for sappy crap like that.

(11:41) damn right (11:41) in elementary school a girl wrote me a poem (11:42) we dated all the way from recess to lunch

(11:43) Your longest relationship, huh?

(11:44) all from a shitty roses are red poem (11:44) i bet you can do better (11:45) seduce me o seductive seducer

(11:47) Congratulations, I have literally never been less turned off in my entire life.

(11:48) to reiterate (11:48) 1. i am dumb (11:48) 2. regret tastes like ash in my mouth

(11:49) Mmm. (11:50) You know what else tastes like ash? (11:51) *image attached*

(11:53) oh baby (11:54) you could never taste like regret (11:54) now take that cigarette out of your mouth

(11:54) Yes, daddy.

(11:55) hjlfkllkkl (11:56) okay i need you to stop fucking with me its bad for my heart

(11:56) :)))))

.

Wednesday PM

(8:13) tsukki you cant just do that

(8:14) Do what?

(8:14) i almost rolled into an early grave

(8:14) I have no idea what you’re talking about.

(8:14) do you know what its like to turn around and see the brightest blueberry eyes in the entire universe

(8:15) Oh, you mean Akiteru taking Tobio to the recreation centre?

(8:15) I SAW STARS IN HIS EYES TSUKKI

(8:16) Tobio said he had a lot of fun. (8:16) I’ve never seen him so animated before.

(8:17) your son is adorable (8:17) i dont have favourites but hes my favourite

(8:17) Don’t spoil him.

(8:18) no promises (8:18) your blueberry son is everything that is good and pure in this world (8:18) im so proud of you

(8:19) Me??

(8:19) well you made him

(8:19) You must’ve slept through Biology in high school because making a child is a two-person job.

(8:20) clearly tobio got his good looks from you

(8:20) We literally look nothing alike.

(8:21) are you telling me tobio has two beautiful parents (8:21) lies (8:22) pics or it didnt happen

(8:22) ...

(8:23) i just realised how that sounded (8:23) and i in no way meant to ask you for a picture of you sleeping with tobios mother

(8:27) I have never (8:27) Laughed so hard in my entire life (8:28) I choked on my fucking tea.

(8:28) whoopsss

(8:29) But since you asked (8:29) *image attached*

(8:29) please dont tell me thats actually a pic of you two fucking (8:29) because i would be really weirded out

(8:30) That’s not a picture of us fucking.

(8:30) im trusting you okay (8:31) OH MY GOODNESS (8:31) AHAHAHAHAH (8:31) SHE IS SO BEAUTIFULLL

(8:31) She gets that a lot.

(8:32) im having a hard time trying to figure out if im jealous of you or her

(8:32) No point. We’re not together.

(8:33) i figured if you were you wouldve said something earlier (8:33) so let me guess (8:33) she cheated on you

(8:34) No.

(8:35) you cheated on her

(8:35) No. (8:35) Do I look like a cheater?

(8:35) hey i dont stereotype

(8:35) There was no cheating. Just unfortunate circumstances.

(8:36) one night stand accidental baby?

(8:36) Yeah, close enough.

(8:37) thats tough (8:37) it happened to my older sister too (8:37) but she ended up marrying the guy (8:37) they were like fuck yeah lets be a family (8:38) so now im the proud uncle of a literal ball of snot

(8:39) That was Akiteru when he held Tobio for the first time. (8:39) He couldn’t stop crying. (8:39) It was gross.

(8:40) dude was holding the future in his hands (8:40) of course he was crying

(8:40) You cried when you held your literal ball of snot for the first time, didn’t you?

(8:41) THIS ISNT ABOUT ME ITS ABOUT YOU (8:41) BACK TO YOUR ONE NIGHT STAND

(8:41) You need to be a level five friend to unlock my tragic backstory.

(8:41) well okay (8:41) what level am i at now

(8:43) Zero.

(8:44) what (8:44) how can you say that (8:44) we had an anniversary (8:44) your brother loves me (8:45) your son adores me

(8:45) My brother what now.

(8:45) did i forget to mention?? (8:46) we bonded over vball (8:46) now were texting buddies (8:46) we talk about you ALL THE TIME

(8:48) You’re lying. (8:48) Akiteru would never do that to me.

(8:48) you had a dinosaur nightlight until you were eleven

(8:49) … (8:49) Excuse me. (8:49) I have a murder to commit.

(8:49) tell akiteru i said hi!!

.

Thursday AM

(9:23) WISH US LUKC TSUUKIIIII

(9:24) You’re… Bokuto. The Bset Freind Foreber.

(9:24) YAEH YOU RMEMEBR ME (9:24) I STOEL KUROOS PHONE LOL (9:24) WE GOT OUR MATHC TODAY (9:24) HES PLAYIGN TOO

(9:25) Even after he punched that guy in the face?

(9:25) COAHC IS A GOOD UPTSANDING MAN (9:25) WHO DOESTN TOLERATE SEZXUAL ASSUALT (9:25) I ALSO MAY HAVE THROWN A TANTRNM ON COUTR

(9:26) I’m impressed. Good job.

(9:26) WE’RE RARIGN TO GO (9:26) LOOK AT US WE LOOKS O GOOD (9:27) *image attached*

(9:27) Yeah, you blurs look really good.

(9:27) OKAY OKAY WAIT (9:28) *image attached* (9:28) AKAASGHHI TOOK TAHT ONE (9:28) AWESOME AYYY

(9:29) Are those (9:29) Sleeveless red jerseys (9:29) ?  

(9:29) YAEEHHHH (9:29) WAIT THISS IS EVEN BETTER (9:29) CHEKC THIS OUT (9:30) HOLD ON

(9:30) *image attached*

(9:30) ...

(9:30) GROUP FLEX

(9:30) I

(9:31) LOOKGNI SEXY SMEZY RIGHT (9:31) ;)))))))))

(9:32) No.

(9:32) LIAR I BET YOU’RE BLUSHIGN

(9:32) Go warm up before your match.

(9:32) IM TELLIGN KUROO!!!!!!

.

Thursday PM

(3:16) a lil birdie told me (3:16) youre into (3:16) BICEPS

(3:17) It’s a lie.

(3:17) so this does nothing for you (3:17) *image attached*

(3:17) ...

(3:17) oikawa and akaashi (3:18) slender and toned specimens (3:18) 7.5/10

(3:18) You have got to be kidding me.

(3:18) dont be shy no judgement here (3:18) *image attached* (3:18) terushima and ushiwaka (3:19) terushimas built but ushiwakas got power going (3:19) 8/10 and 9/10

(3:19) I can’t believe you right now.

(3:19) *image attached* (3:19) these are bokutos (3:19) amazing right my boy is STACKED (3:20) 10/10

(3:19) Please stop.

(3:20) the real killers though (3:20) *image attached* (3:20) IWAIZUMI (3:21) look at that (3:21) he could choke me and id thank him 12/10

(3:22) Are you done with the meat parade?

(3:22) just one more (3:22) *image attached* (3:22) ME (3:23) what do you think??

(3:23) I’m not stroking your already inflated ego.

(3:24) i know for a fact youre not a blushing virgin (3:24) now stop being shy and rate me

(3:24) You’re ridiculous. (3:24) Fine. (3:24) Solid muscle. Good definition. (3:24) 9/10  

(3:25) only 9?? (3:25) im hurt im insulted (3:25) would it make a difference if i used a filter

(3:26) Why not.

(3:26) *image attached*

(3:26) Superb musculature, clearly the result of endless hours of hard work. (3:26) 10/10  

(3:26) i knew it (3:27) i gotta go rub this in oikawas face (3:27) he will rue the day he ever thought he was better built than me (3:27) text later okay

(3:27) Kuroo.

(3:27) yes dear

(3:27) You forgot to tell me. (3:28) Did you win the match?  

(3:28) YEAH LOL

(3:28) Congratulations.

(3:28) thanks babe (3:28) the thought of you kept me going strong (3:28) *heart eyes emoji*

.

Friday PM

(10:23) i wondered what’d gotten tsukki so riled up (10:23) and then i saw all the biceps (10:23) loolllll  

(10:25) im intrigued (10:25) who is this mysterious person with tsukkis phone

(10:25) ahh i’m yamaguchi (10:25) tsukki’s best friend (10:26) i may or may not have borrowed his phone when he wasn’t looking  

(10:26) devious (10:26) i like it

(10:26) ur going to like this a lot more

(10:26) oho?

(10:26) it’s friday night (10:27) which means it’s karaoke night (10:27) with everyone from work  

(10:27) there wouldnt happen to be (10:27) alcohol (10:27) involved would there

(10:28) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(10:28) you bring great news friend (10:28) so what do i need to sacrifice to get a vid of tsukki (10:28) doing a drunken rendition of my heart will go on

(10:29) that’s a big request (10:29) tsukki hates performing (10:19) especially to cliches  

(10:30) okay but you do have the ability to make him to do so

(10:30) that depends on what ur willing to sacrifice

(10:30) you ARE devious (10:30) all right what do you want

(10:32) ur number and ur firstborn

(10:33) im devoted to tsukki just saying (10:33) firstborn no problem

(10:33) i want ur number bc i want to keep u accountable (10:33) not bc i’m interested in u, u loser  

(10:34) i can see why you two are best friends

(10:34) we have a deal??

(10:34) fuck yeah lets go

(10:34) gimme fifteen minutes (10:34) tsukki’s already tipsy on strawberry daiquiris  

(10:34) this is gonna be so good (10:34) lets go lets go lets go

(10:53) i am (10:53) a GOD (10:53) *video attached*  

(10:57) AHAHAHAHA (10:57) this is (10:57) the second best day (10:57) of my life (10:57) omg is this real its beautiful

(10:58) he is SO BAD, RIGHT

(10:58) is he better sober

(10:59) no but he can rap sober

(11:00) are you fucking with me

(11:01) nopee

(11:01) what do i need to sacrifice to see that

(11:01) u couldn’t afford it (11:02) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  

(11:02) worth a shot (11:02) youre a true bro anyway

(11:03) why thank yoyiijkpll

(11:03) you okay bud

(11:03) What teh fuck

(11:03) tsukki?? (11:04) babe (11:04) so me and your bestie bonded too

(11:04) Waht the actual fuvk (11:04) I’m too drukn to typpe (11:04) You fuckign pick up whenm I call  

(11:05) wait what

.

Mysterious Phone Man Tsukki is calling��

“Uhh… hello?”

“I… I am going to… gouge your eyes out.”

“Holy shit, you’re slurring. You’re soo drunk.”

“Hi, Kuroo!”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

“Sorry, Tsukki!”

“Kuroo, you shit. I sh… should’ve known you’d do something like this.”

“Hey, Yamaguchi was the one who filmed you!”

“Ohh no, don’t blame me, you enabler!"

“You know what, I’m not even sorry. That was wicked. Oh my god, I’m definitely in love.”

“What a complete dick… hole.”

“Aw babe, you’re so eloquent when you’re drunk. What did Yamaguchi give you, hmm?"

“JÄEGERBOMBS, WHOO!”

“Fucking disgush-- disgusting.”

“Then why’d you drink it, you dork?”

“Ughh…"

“Don’t forget you owe me, Kuroo!”

“Gonna kill you both.”

“I dare you. Come to Tobio’s practice tomorrow and we’ll have a fucking throwdown.”

“I’m going to be so hungover.”

“I double dare you.”

"Fucking… fine.”

“Wow, Kuroo. You’re really good at riling Tsukki up, you know that?”

“It’s a special talent. Now you boys enjoy the rest of your night. I’m going to watch that rendition one more time and laugh myself to sleep.”

“FUCK YOU, KUROO!”

“I love you too, sweetheart.”

“Aww, you guys.”

“YOU FUCKING--”

Click.

.

Saturday AM

(7:46) GOOD MORNINGGG (7:46) THROWDOWN AT 10 (7:46) DONT FORGET

.

Mysterious Phone Man Tsukki  is calling…

“Uh-oh. Am I in trouble?”

“I fucking hate you.”

“Soo… your head is pulsing, your throat is parched and you want to die in a hole?"

“I was unconscious. Unable to feel pain. Now I’m back in the world of the living.”

“Don't be mad. If you drag your ass down to the rec centre, I’ll get coffee for you.”

“...”

“Is that a yes?”

“Large black.”

“Black coffee? Are you serious?”

“It matches my soul.”

“O-kay, anything else?”

“Strawberry muffin.”

“Your soul confuses me.”

“And something for Tobio.”

“No shit, duh. Akiteru?”

“He can starve.”

“Still haven’t forgiven him for telling me about the dinosaur nightlight, huh?”

“And I’ll never forgive you if you bring it up again.”

“Bring what up again?”

“Good boy.”

“Can we revisit that conversation about kinks again?”

Click.

.

Saturday AM

(9:47) ive got coffee and muffins (9:47) hot chocolate for tobio (9:47) and a latte for akiteru bc im not an ass

(9:52) Fuck.

(9:52) i know youre mad at akiteru but no need to get hissy

(9:52) It’s not that. (9:52) We can’t make it to practice anymore.  

(9:53) ????

(9:53) Tobio’s mother is here.

(9:53) whoaa what

(9:53) I’m really sorry. (9:53) Especially since you bought breakfast. (9:54) I’ll pay you back.  

(9:54) dont worry about it lol (9:54) ill share it with the other guys

(9:54) Are you mad?

(9:55) kinda disappointed but not at you (9:55) its not your fault

(9:55) I really am sorry. (9:56) I need to go, but I’ll text you later okay?  

(9:56) no need to stress (9:57) practice is about to start anyway

.

Saturday PM

(1:28) Are you free to talk now?

(1:29) kuroos sperm bank (1:29) you squeeze em we freeze em

(1:29) That is disgusting.

(1:30) tsukki its time for the talk you never got when you hit puberty (1:30) what you must realise is that masturbation is healthy and natural

(1:30) We are not having this conversation. Ever.

(1:31) babe dont be embarrassed (1:31) one day youll have to have the same convo with tobio lololol

(1:31) Please don’t remind me.

(1:31) you doing okay

(1:32) I’ve had a shitty morning.

(1:33) id also be in a bad mood if i were hungover and my ex showed up uninvited

(1:33) She’s not (1:33) Whatever.  

(1:33) not... your ex?

(1:34) She can’t be my ex if we never went out.

(1:34) idk you had a one night stand with her

(1:34) It’s complicated.

(1:35) have i reached level five friend yet

(1:35) …

(1:35) im here to listen

(1:37) I guess you might be a level five friend.

(1:37) hell yeah

(1:37) I can’t believe this. I don’t even know you.

(1:38) im hurt (1:38) you just blessed me as your level five friend

(1:40) I don’t know where to start.

(1:40) lets start small (1:40) howd you meet her

(1:40) Shimizu was my senior in high school. (1:40) We weren’t close but we kept in touch after she graduated. (1:40) Study tips and stuff like that.  

(1:41) thats cute (1:41) sounds innocent

(1:41) It wasn’t ever anything more than that. (1:42) We just (1:43) There’s a lot to learn about yourself when you’re a teenager. (1:43) And we thought we could help each other out.  

(1:44) seems like you two trusted each other a lot

(1:44) We did. (1:44) Do. (1:44) But there was never a relationship. (1:45) We slept together but neither of us really wanted it.  

(1:46) what do you mean?

(1:46) I’m gay. (1:46) Shimizu’s ace. (1:46) We both cried afterwards. (1:47) Pathetic, right.  

(1:47) i dont think thats pathetic at all (1:47) you bared your vulnerabilities to each other (1:47) and learned something about yourselves in the process (1:48) it takes a lot of courage to do something like that

(1:49) I guess.

(1:50) so tobio was the result of that huh

(1:50) Yeah. (1:50) It was bad. (1:50) Our families were so pissed at each other. (1:51) They talked about abortion and marriage and all that shit.  

(1:51) i dont envy you at all (1:51) that mustve been a complete shit storm and a half

(1:51) Shimizu and I considered a platonic marriage. (1:52) But we didn’t want to do something neither of us wanted again.

(1:52) so wedding nay but baby yay

(1:52) Tobio lived with Shimizu. (1:52) Until she got a job offer in America. (1:53) She thought a new country would’ve been too much for him. (1:53) You know how that turned out.

(1:54) stomping sandcastles and chucking buckets (1:54) i still think tobios a champ

(1:55) Dickwad.

(1:55) i love you too babe (1:55) but seriously you and tobio have been doing a lot better (1:56) hes talking to you and his teacher said he was playing with other kids

(1:56) Tobio had (1:56) He’d settled. (1:56) He’d looked at me. (1:57) But one glance at Shimizu today and (1:58) It was like I didn’t exist again. (1:58) Fuck. (1:58) I can’t do this.  

(1:58) hey hey hey (1:58) tobio was just excited to see his mum (1:58) four months right (1:59) he wouldve missed her like crazy (1:59) he wants kisses and cuddles (1:59) doesnt mean hes forgotten his old man

(2:00) First of all, I’m not old.

(2:02) ... (2:02) second of all??

(2:02) I don’t have a second of all.

(2:03) LOLOLOL

(2:03) Shut up, I’m emotional right now.

(2:03) naww babe (2:03) youre just overthinking things (2:03) talk to tobio (2:03) hes five but he understands shit (2:04) tell him you love him just as much as his mum does (2:04) then throw in a vball reference or something idk

(2:04) You’re so helpful.

(2:04) even if tobio doesnt understand everything (2:04) verbalising will help sort out your emotions

(2:05) I thought you were doing Sports Medicine, not Psychiatry.

(2:05) i am an old man with decades of wisdom

(2:05) There it is.

(2:05) what?

(2:05) STRANGER DANGER.

(2:06) i cant believe (2:06) i walked right into that one

(2:06) Lol.

(2:06) feeling better?

(2:07) Yeah. (2:07) Thanks for listening to me vent. (2:07) It did help clear my head.  

(2:08) thats what level five friends are for

(2:09) I’m still sorry about missing practice this morning. (2:09) Can I make it up to you?  

(2:09) how about (2:09) lets do this properly (2:10) and go on a real date

(2:11) I (2:11) You want that?  

(2:11) youre intelligent witty and hilarious (2:11) you love your son and would do anything for him (2:12) plus youre the most beautiful person ive ever seen (2:12) theres no reason i wouldnt want to

(2:12) Wow.

(2:12) thats a very lacklustre reaction

(2:13) No, I’m just (2:13) Surprised.

(2:13) good or bad surprised?

(2:13) Good surprised. (2:13) I didn’t expect you to be so straightforward.  

(2:14) i have literally been calling you babe and sweetheart and dear

(2:14) I thought flirtation was an integral part of your personality. (2:14) Am I wrong to assume you flirt with everyone?  

(2:14) well no (2:15) i joke around a lot (2:15) but i mean it with you (2:15) youre amazing in every way

(2:16) I really don’t know what to say to that.

(2:16) how does this sound (2:16) you me and tobio (2:16) at the park tomorrow (2:16) picnic and volleyball

(2:18) You’d want Tobio there?

(2:18) of course hes my favourite (2:18) and also because hes important to you

(2:18) Nice save.

(2:18) so picnic?

(2:18) Yeah. (2:18) I’d like that. (2:19) Tobio’s excited too. (2:19) He says he’ll help make riceballs.  

(2:19) thats the cutest fucken thing ive heard all day (2:19) BOKTUO BRO HIGH FIVE ME IM GOING ON A PICNIC WITH TSUKKI AND TOBIO TOMORROW ADN IVE NEVER BEEN THIS EIXCITED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

(2:19) Kuroo.

(2:19) uhh (2:20) wrong number (2:21) fuck it NO REGRETS

.

Sunday AM

(9:12) Hello, is this Kuroo?

(9:15) yeess (9:15) whos this

(9:17) My name is Shimizu Kiyoko.

(9:17) wait as in (9:17) tsukki and tobios shimizu??

(9:18) Yes.

(9:18) uhh hey (9:18) not that i dont want to talk to you (9:18) but why do you have my number

(9:19) I took it from Tsukishima’s phone. (9:19) Our last few conversations he mentioned your name and it piqued my curiosity.

(9:19) tsukki talks about me?

(9:20) He doesn’t think you’re a nuisance. (9:20) That’s very rare.

(9:20) what can i say (9:20) im charming when i want to be

(9:20) Tobio is quite taken with you. (9:21) That’s also very rare. (9:21) You’re the exception to the rule; I’m sure you understand why I’m curious.

(9:22) i guess but i dont know if theres much to say (9:22) we all just like volleyball

(9:22) Your influence helped smooth out their relationship.

(9:22) it wasnt much (9:22) i just mentioned vball and things went from there (9:22) it was all them

(9:23) You helped them find common ground in their lives. (9:23) I know how difficult it was for them beforehand.

(9:23) they wouldve figured things out eventually (9:23) theyre amazing as they are

(9:24) You sound fond of them.

(9:24) i am (9:24) tobios a good kid (9:24) and tsukki makes me laugh (9:24) mostly at my own expense (9:24) but i like that he doesnt hold back

(9:25) Tsukishima holds you in similar thoughts. (9:25) He’d never admit it but I know him well enough.

(9:25) so this conversation (9:25) are you basically sussing out whether or not im a piece of shit

(9:25) Yes.

(9:25) how am i doing so far

(9:27) You’re fine.

(9:27) oh thank god

(9:27) I don’t understand. You sound relieved?

(9:27) well youre tobios mum (9:27) and tsukki has a lot of respect for you (9:28) so your opinions pretty important

(9:30) I’m surprised. Not many others would consider that.

(9:31) idk it makes sense

(9:32) I’m glad Tsukishima found someone who accepts our unusual circumstances. (9:32) I was afraid my decision to keep Tobio would affect his future relationships.

(9:32) tsukki wouldnt care about people like that anyway (9:33) hed give tobio the world before he gave it to anyone else (9:33) but who wouldnt for a kid like that

(9:35) I think the same, but I may be biased.

(9:35) tobios earnest and hardworking (9:36) determined to challenge himself (9:36) you raised a good kid

(9:36) Thank you. That means a lot to me.

(9:36) its the truth (9:36) so i have passed your inspection or nah

(9:39) There’s a lot I want to say but I’ll keep it brief for both our sakes.

(9:39) yikes

(9:40) I care for Tsukishima and Tobio so much more than I can put into words. (9:40) I hope it means something that I think you’re good for them.

(9:41) oh (9:41) yeah (9:41) yeah it does (9:41) thanks (9:41) im not eloquent enough for this (9:42) but i care a lot for them too (9:42) and ill take care of them (9:42) for as long as theyll have me (9:42) for as long as youll let me

(9:44) I can see why Tsukishima and Tobio like you.

(9:44) tsukki only likes me for my biceps

(9:44) Funny. (9:44) Tsukishima is actually reading this over my shoulder.

(9:45) uh oh (9:45) is he sulking now

(9:45) A little bit. (9:45) He does have a weakness for muscles.

(9:46) I KNEW IT (9:46) AHAHAHAHAHA (9:46) hes never going to live this down

(9:47) Oh, I shouldn’t have let that slip. (9:47) Tsukishima’s mad at me now.

(9:47) bless his sensitive soul

(9:47) He’s telling Tobio to spike a ball into your face.

(9:48) what

(9:48) Tobio might actually do it.

(9:48) shimizu (9:48) i know were merely acquaintances (9:49) but help

(9:50) Strawberry shortcake. (9:50) It’s Tsukishima’s favourite.

(9:50) thats adorable (9:50) i owe you one

(9:50) Then take care of them. (9:50) Or I’ll take care of you.

(9:51) wh

(9:51) Have fun on your date. (9:51) Tobio will tell me all about it. (9:51) :)