#ur honor i love her and her funky lil hat

[dcminions]

LAUREN LONDON in YOU PEOPLE ( 2023 )

[all-hail-the-witcher]

yeah i followed you back when you posted newsies stuff and i don't know anything about the witcher but ur still a cool person even if i don't understand most of your content lol

okay okay here's a crash course in the witcher:

geralt

needs a nap

the so called witcher the show is named after

hasn't felt an emotion in at least 100 years

horse girl at heart

tired of getting mixed up in peoples bullshit after he killed a bunch of people and got a bad rap for it

kills monsters for a living 

vocabulary consists entirely of “fuck” “shit” and “hmm”

yennefer

a sorceress 

wants to be a mom but cannot

shoots fire at some assholes 

has sexy times with geralt

does not like the ridiculous bard

was born a hunchback with severe scoliosis that got fixed when she became a sorceress 

ciri

a princess of a kingdom that no longer exists

does a lot of running from evil dudes trying to kill her

is geralts like sort of adopted kid kind of 

magical screams

pretty much every one shes ever loved is dead

a literal child

renfri

another princess

has like some knives and stuff

shames geralt for talking to his horse

has like a fun little gang 

gets killed with her fun little gang by geralt

literally only in one ep

roach

geralts horse and best friend

the secret star of the show

best good girl

has all the brain cells 

gives geralt boops with her long snoot

puts up with a lot of bullshit 

triss

another sorceress 

geralts friend 

also zaps some bad guys with yennefer 

specializes in healing magic 

heals geralt once or twice or maybe a bunch of times

generally is slept on and deserves better

dara

an elf

one of the few surviving ones from the elf genocides 

has a funky little hat to hide his ears

meets ciri in the woods and they wander around together 

saves ciris life a few times 

ends up abandoning her to protect himself 

calanthe

a queen (like a literal one)

ciris grandma 

is also dead

generally kind of a badass

is feared by everyone 

invites geralt to sit at her table of honor once 

the ridiculous bard jaskier

a bard with a lute and too much to say

follows geralt around like a lost puppy and sings embellished songs about him to fix his reputation 

dresses geralt up like a sad silk trader once

gets zapped by a djinn and is therefore disliked by yennefer

wears very bright clothes that are not conducive for travel

is not allowed to touch roach

okay there are like a billion other side characters in the show but im too lazy to list all of them and most of them are villains. but. theres some other fun important people from the games/books that are coming in s2 that are important and they are:

eskel

another witcher

got his training with geralt and they are Bros (or more depending on how you look at it)

has a big ol face scar from a kid he sort of adopted 

has a goat (or several) 

banged a succubi once for clout

thicc

lambert

yet another witcher

younger than eskel and gerald but still bros 

an asshole 

friends with another witcher from a different school named aiden who was mentioned once in the games and aparently died but no one can prove that so as far as were all concerned he's alive and theyre dating

generally just a prick 

has brain cells but doesnt use them

vesemir

the dad witcher

eskel, geralt and lamberts father figure 

kinda like well known and sort of a legend 

old as shit

makes sure none of his kids succumb to stupidity

has the braincells 

coen

another witcher but from a different school than vesemir, geralt, lambert and eskel

spends winters with all the witcher gang tho

had the chicken pox as a kid

helped to train ciri

died in the books

aparently looks unusual for a witchier

there is also: valdo marx (jaskiers rival), lil bleater (eskels goat), and aiden (lamberts boyfriend even though thats not canon)