#up til 2019 time felt like it was passing

[traceofgay]

i was filling something out where it needed my age and i put 23, i’m 26 but my life has stagnated to the point of not processing time, at least i don’t think i’m 22 anymore i guess

[a-world-with0ut-dr34ms]

John Price x Reader

Wounded, bloody, and just the two of you. A mission gone wrong leads to a long overdue moment between both you and your Captain, perhaps too late to count for anything. Not if either of you two can help it at least.

Part One of Two (Possibly Three Part short story).

EDIT* I went back and proofread this again and fixed errors. I didn't realize I posted this in such a crummy state before, I'm sorry!

TW//: Blood, Violence

Angst, Drama, Action, Romance, Near Death Experiences, Confessions, slightly Dark, some Fluffy Dialogue (not a ton though), Tension, slight Suspense, slight Slow Burn, For the girlies who like when their romantic moments feel a little teased and earned, Though this might still be boring garbage, plus the real stuff doesn't start 'til part two. The "developing feelings through almost dying in front of each other" trope, my favorite trope lowkey

This was not the smut piece I have been planning to write for Price (That's still coming), I wanted to practice writing him a little and this sprung on me after playing MW 2019. Figured I'd post it, though this is just to indulge my growing obsession with this man. Let me know if he's OOC, I want to write him well! Enjoy!

Part Two | Part Three

Price's voice suddenly shouts out from the living room, frantic and wired...

"Ambush! Get behind cover!"

...However, his warnings are drowned out by the whistling of an RPG heading straight for your location. It cuts through the evening sky, coming to you as a black dot zipping by at the blink of an eye.

The rocket breaks through the window of the house you and Price had been tasked to raid for intel, as the explosion goes off against one of the walls behind you. The sound which follows is unlike any you've ever heard the likes of before. A piercing, defeaning pop; the loudest and most unpleasant thing imaginable.

The sharp, crashing boom it erupts around you is hot like fire, singing your uniform and blasting you forward. It's the last thing you remember, before being greeted into a world of swirling blacks and oranges. In pain and completely immobile. Momentarily knocked unconscious.

You're not so sure how much time passes before you come to again. Only a handful of minutes or so. Though in that span, you've listened to the sounds of growing gunfire and shouting rise like a terrifying mob outside. Coming in and out in hot flashes.

Had your Captain's shouting not broken through this foggy barrier, you would have thought you'd have just died. You wouldn't be so lucky.

"Lieutenant!" you hear him call out. His voice grows more desperate the longer he hasn't heard from you. "I'm comin'!"

As the dust began to settle, you felt yourself coming back. You groan in pain, your entire body sore from the blast. Brick and stone rubble surround you like a straightjacket. You're pretty sure the entire roof of the house had fallen on top of you just now. Beneath it all, it was hard to tell for certain.

As you lie trapped, waiting to be rescued, you couldn't help but think about the mission. You and Price should have known this was some sort of setup.

Even Laswell had doubts this lead on Makarov wasn't just some trap to lure out their rivals and take them out, but with this recent dry spell on the investigation, your team couldn't afford to pass up the chance at some potentially valuable leads. It's why Laswell kept the team small, sending only you two on this one.

An easy enough operation: infiltrate the building, gather the intel, and get out. Nothing new. Only all you've found in this rinky-dink building on the outskirts of Urzikstan was a handful of AQ remnants and their new Russian PMC allies. And they knew you two were coming too.

The marked house was empty, both of any life and intel. And not even a second later were they all on top of your location, every inch of this town and the hills that surrounded it dug in with hostiles.

You'd have to ask Price later how it was he was able to push back that hoard alone, if you can make it out of this. There's no telling what they'd do to you both if they caught you in here, and that's if they even take you in alive.

You feel bits of rubble being shifted off your body, immense amounts of pressure releasing upon their departure. It's quickly replaced by the sharp bruising and pain it's left in its wake beneath your uniform.

"I'm right here," you hear Price's voice try to soothe you from up above, that gruff Liverpool accent of his clear enough even through the strain and stress. He hasn't let you down a day since you've known him. He wasn't about to make today his first.

Another large bit of rubble gets removed, taking the darkness away and flooding light down from above.

You could have sworn you were looking at an angel when you finally made out the silhouette of the man rescuing you. Your Captain. John Price.

"I've got you," Price assures you, his words felt wracked with adrenaline, hands moving near on impulse.

His hat was gone, short brown hair in a light tussle, and dust and light soot coating the black of his uniform and scruff of his beard. It almost worried you not to see him in it; he never parts from that thing. Perhaps during the blast it had gotten caught in the crossfires and rendered unwearable.

For some reason, it only made the situation feel much more worse than you originally thought.

His blue eyes find yours beneath the rubble, and you watch all the dread he'd been juggling with subside into relief the second he hears you cough out all the dust and wall you'd inhaled, struggling to catch your breath. He sighs to himself with a smile.

He doesn't even hear the words when he says them. Price only says the first thing that came to mind the minute you've finally stopped coughing to see him again.

"Thank fuckin' Christ."

Once Price saw you weren't dead, he finished removing the rubble from off of you. It's the bit he removes from your right arm that finally pulls a pained cry out of you. It's so intense it's as though reality just now set back in for you.

Your entire right arm felt numb from the elbow down, your fingers no longer feeling attached to your body. Had you not held your breath and sucked up the courage to look (with your peripherals first), you would have thought you'd lost your arm in the explosion.

Though it didn't make it any less broken and fucked. Nor did it make it any easier to not become fearful of what this could mean for you.

The Captain immediately notices the condition of your arm once he's cleared the debris off you. Cursing under his breath, Price helps you to your feet, brushing as much dirt from you as he can.

"You broken?" he asks. "Apart from the arm?"

You feel for what weapons still remained attached to your body after the blast, finding just a slender knife and your holstered pistol. Only two clips though. Of course.

Your arm and entire backside ached something fierce, and your brain felt as though it had been rattled inside your head and then some. If you shut your eyes now, you feared fainting dead away, and the ringing in your ears has yet to subside.

But your current state would have to do. It's that or die here. You knew that, and Price knew that too.

"I'm still here, Captain."

Price smiles, his gaze softening for just the slightest second. Happy to see his training and advice being taken seriously.

It just now was beginning to dawn on him that you hadn't died in here with him either. Seeing you OK and still ready to fight felt fuel enough for the Captain to keep going.

"That you are," he says.

Price parts from you to take post back by the freshly made hole in the wall, readying his rifle. Most of the building had collapsed in on itself, with the exception of the back of the house still being mostly intact.

Outside you could see the mountain of bodies Price had no doubt created while you were buried. None made it too close to where your position was.

With the coast temporarily clear, the current objective at hand remained the same: Get to the Evac Zone stat and get the hell out of dodge.

"This building's gonna be surrounded by Russians and AQ in less than a minute if we don't bug out now," Price warns. "And there'll be more where that came from, so ready yourself for a fight."

"Price..."

The Captain looks back at you, hearing the sudden dread in your voice. It takes him having to have stepped away from you to finally see that something really was up.

Your eyes look down to his waist, where you see the blood beginning to pool at his hip, staining his clothing and growing larger by the minute. It's clear he'd used what he could to try and wrap it, though it hadn't been enough. The adrenaline must have taken his mind away from it.

It figures you weren't the only one who got wounded here.

You look back up at Price, worried. Quiet.

Price looks down at his wound, placing a hand against it and seeing the warm, wet liquid coat his tattered glove. Whether it be a front or really only a flesh wound, Price doesn't dare break composure in front of you. You both would need him clearheaded.

"It's nothin' fatal," he simply tells you.

You knew Price wouldn't make a big deal about his injury, even if it were serious, which you honestly could not tell from where you were standing. You also knew Price wouldn't want you to worry about it either. He never liked when you worried for him; that's his job.

The time dwindled all the same; you can worry about it when you both get home.

You look to Price with contentment. You wouldn't be another reason for his worries if you could help it. "It'll make a good story for the boys later."

Price smiles back at you. "You'll tell it better than me, I'm sure."

The growing sound of men shouting and vehicles rushing to flank your position makes your blood run cold. If you didn't leave soon, neither of you would make it out of this to tell your stories.

You try and get that adrenaline you felt before to spike back up, knowing this was a matter of life and death now. Though your body betrayed you.

Your heart won't stop racing, no matter how much you try and calm yourself. Your hands keep shaking, and you can't help but keep checking the recently blasted hole behind you and your Captain. Soon to be flooded with enemies. Afraid.

Price must have noticed your worrying, because he steps away from his position and does something completely outside of himself suddenly. Though as he did so, it couldn't have felt more natural of a thing to do. Like a gesture he's spent his whole life waiting to give you.

He rests his hand gently on your cheek, bringing your eyes forward so you could see nothing beyond his own gaze. This close, even as night falls over the town and darkness shrouds the remains of this little house, this felt the clearest you've ever looked upon your Captain.

There's a glint of determination in his eyes, all the years of experiences that have worn and torn him the older he has gotten, defining the finer parts of his features. His expression always softened at the sight of you, an act you alone pulled from him for the first time truly, now.

Price was here with you. At that moment, it was the only thing that mattered.

"Hey," his thumb caresses your cheek, his jaw clenching to keep from wincing at the pain in his abdomen. "We're alive. Let's keep it that way, yeah? I'm not leavin' here without you."

His jaw tenses once more and you think for a second he might say something else. But he holds his tongue, wanting the most for you to keep calm beside him.

You can feel it in the air around him; the captain's as bugged out as you are right now. He was just doing everything he could to keep being a leader and bottle it up, channeling those fears and turning them into fuel to keep going. His words may be more for himself, than you, but they're true enough.

You lift your good hand up and let it rest over his, feeling his hand stiffen at first, but then find its home against your palm. You didn't want to have to let go, but you knew you must eventually. So you nod. "Damn right, you're not."

Price chuckles, happy to see you on the same page. "Fuckin' A, love," he quickly quips. "Now let's move."

The rocky hills stretched further out ahead of you. At some point their edges seem to blend with the black of the sky, all the stars gone away someplace. Luck would see a full moon above your heads, providing the only bit of light on this makeshift route to the Evac Zone.

You have Price's arm over your left shoulder now, having to help him the rest of the way since you've escaped the base. No amount of tough guy act the Captain put on could prevent the amount of blood he'd been losing. Had he not started tumbling over mid-shootout suddenly, you wouldn't have even known. And you wanted to kill him yourself once you did too.

It's nothin' fatal, he had said. The lie of the fucking century, right?

By now his dark blood has practically stained the entire lower right side of his body, making his skin pale and his eyelids heavy. His movements slowed, his reflexes taking a severe hit because of it, and he was beginning to breathe heavier. You've gone through all your supplies trying to stop his bleeding before leaving the house. Nothing worked.

It had been infuriating, just as it'd been scary to realize that your Captain really did need a medic right now. If he didn't see a doctor soon, he might just bleed to death before you've made it out of here.

Of course, having to help him now meant you couldn't shoot at all, given the state of your other arm. Price helped with what he could, but even a man of his talents couldn't prevent shaky shots from increasing blood loss.

"Nikolai's not far out now," Price grunted out, doing his best to put one more clip into his pistol. The last one. "Should be a few more clicks along this trail."

"He couldn't fly a little closer," you huff out, readjusting your hold on the Captain. He wasn't a light man, and while he did everything in his power to make this easier for you, his weakening state only grew harder to carry.

"You holdin' up alright?" Price asks. You feel him once again, ready himself to try and pull away and stand on his own feet. Having to rely on you was eating away at him, you could tell.

"I'm fine," you tell him, though that's not all the way true. Your vision had started to blur, and your lungs felt on fire. Now that some time has passed, all your once numb injuries were suddenly starting to scream at you for relief. Had you not been concentrating on your steps in front of you, or the thumping of your heart inside your ringing ears, you would have fainted already.

But you were all Price had right now; there was no way you'd fail him when he needed you most. "I'm more worried about you, Captain."

"Still got my wits about me..." he says. "Maybe a little lighter now, given I've been leakin' like a faucet."

"I'd beg to differ."

"Eh, you can use the exercise, lieutenant."

"Or you can lose the weight, Captain."

You both chuckle, and for a second, it felt easier to pretend you both were somewhere else right now. Spending all the time together you only wish you had before.

The levity was needed. It kept you both sane and human, and right now, Price was kicking himself in the ass for not appreciating these moments with you sooner.

The team really lucked out when they recruited you, he saw that now. You've always made sure you were someone Price could trust. That you were someone he could depend on you. You kept a cool head and you did what you must, while staying both good-natured and sweet, despite everything.

And when everything was said and done, you came back to him, keeping a smile as neutral as his own could manage. Your eyes bright like stars with him in your sights. His would often do the same.

All the times you've been at his side before tonight, keeping his head on straight when he needed it most, and always reminding him of life outside of all of this, they've only increased over the years. In every moment it always felt as though you two only teetered at the next level of your fondness for one another. Both wanting to push further, but not wanting to push the other too quickly either.

Your roles on the team always came first; they seemed to be the most important thing at the time.

Every lingering touch, a longing gaze brought by excitement and recognition, a check-in during work, or a brief moment of conversation... that's where your relationship has stayed for years now. You both felt OK with that. You thought so at first.

However, Price knew one thing. He couldn't lose you tonight. He wouldn't. Not on his account. Not when there's so much more that can still be. John's lived long enough to know that when something feels this right, there is no time to waste, lest he lose that chance forever like he has with so many others before.

You feel Price grow slack against your side now, his blood starting to soak through your uniform. It took everything in you not to panic.

"I won't let you fall," you assure him now, adjusting him against you. "Just keep holding on."

The smell of blood is so strong, you'll never forget its scent long after you've left this place. Nor would you forget seeing your Captain this way. Hurt and broken. You know he's no stranger to it, but alas, John is still human.

"...I'm taking you out for dinner after this," Price up and says suddenly. He figures he should just throw that out there, in case he didn't get another chance to. "My treat."

You nearly trip when you hear him, as if you're heart needed any more of a reason to fluctuate. You lost count of how long you've waited to hear him say that, having spent so many nights daydreaming about a time he'd come up to you and actually asked you out. It felt like everything you imagined it would; if only it had been under better circumstances.

"Is that a promise, Captain?"

"You know I wouldn't bluff about that, love."

"Well, then you better keep it then, John."

"As you wish."

He could hardly understand how it was you were still able to push through all that growing pain in your body after taking such a blast. He couldn't be more proud of it either.

The town illuminated like a glowing city behind you, AQ and Russians creating an uproar there, regardless of your presence. It was no longer your problem, however. The approaching convoy heading your direction was.

You weren't out of the fire just yet.

You look around yourselves, only having a few large rocks and boulders to hide behind in your immediate vicinity. Little word is needed to be shared between you two before the plan was nonverbally green-lit.

You both take cover behind a large rock facing the hills, Price resting down against the rock as you took out your pistol. It was time to see if your shooting with your left hand has improved any more than it did a few minutes ago during your escape.

You peak over the stone, seeing four AQ soldiers step out with rifles and flashlights, already hot on your pursuit. Tracking the trail of blood you'd left behind. Price peaks around the other side of the rock, raising his pistol.

"You take the two on the right," he whispers. "I got left."

You nod, and then take position. Price takes the first shot, dropping both his targets with swift precision. Even wounded, the man always had a way with pistols. Forever the dead-eye shot.

You drop one AQ soldier, happy to see your aim improve. However, your heart sinks when you go to shoot the other soldier and you hear the click of your pistol suddenly. Out of ammo.

The AQ soldier fires at you, the bullet just grazing by your cheek, before another hits you straight at the center of your chest, rattling your sternum and knocking you off your feet. Without your bulletproof vest, that bullet would have torn straight through you. Though you might as well have died, with the pain it sent through you instead. Knocking the wind out of you.

Before you know it, Price has reached over and started pulling you back behind the boulder. "Hold on!" he says. "You're not dead yet."

Price goes to try and get to his knees and peek over the boulder, however, now that he's sat back behind the rock again with you, it's become an impossible task to even wiggle his feet at this point. Like his legs were losing feeling. The blood loss really was starting to catch up to him now, it seems.

So instead, Price did the next best thing, simply waiting for the AQ soldier to round the corner, which he stupidly does. The minute the enemy's head peaks over, Price shot twice for good measure, watching the man drop to the ground with a heavy thud.

"I think we're clear," he says. "Still breathing?"

"Yeah," you gasp out.

A lot of times, you're not sure if you'd make it through a lot of these missions if Price wasn't here. The true backbone of the 141. The man always just seemed to be prepared for anything, even with the odds stacked against him. Often feeling like some other worldly being on the field, unable to be truly harmed by the threats he faced.

Until now, you couldn't even picture him so hurt.

When Price went on a mission, you could trust he'd get it done, if no one else. And you could always trust he'd make it back too. One way or another. Of course, he wasn't always lucky, as rare as those days actually came. Luck seemed to only be a recent thing for him in fact, and of short supply tonight.

You push yourself up, rubbing your hand over your chest in an attempt to soothe the throbbing. You're unsure what bad juju you yourself had crossed, or why lady luck seemed on your side even despite it all, but maybe fate wanted you to make it out of here.

One of you at least.

You look over at Price and see him barely able to keep consciousness now, cold sweat forming at the sides of his face, and a puddle of blood building around his legs. His breathing broken. Dying.

Seeing him now, pale, bloodied, and relying on a rock behind him to keep himself upright... for the first time ever you felt fear for your Captain.

"No, no, no," you rush over to Price, taking hold of his face and bringing his eyes to you. Seeing them so close again wakes him somewhat. "Stay with me, Captain."

"I'm still here..." Price answers weakly. Even still, he tries to keep up an act in front of you, like he truly was fine. It only made you more afraid to lose him now. Out in some rocky hilltop in the middle of nowhere because of bad intel. You couldn't lose him like this.

You look over the boulder, seeing the convoy those AQ soldiers showed up in still running a few feet ahead of you. Just what you needed.

"Can you stand?" You ask.

"...I'll need help," he said.

"OK, OK..." You take a deep breath, plotting everything out in your head before taking Price's hand in yours. "There's a convoy over there we can take to the Evac Zone. It'll be faster than going on foot."

You start trying to pull Price up, feeling the man use all the strength he can muster to try and push off the ground and back to his feet. Having one hand to help him didn't make matters easier, however. He made it halfway before falling back against the cold stone with a sharp grunt and some swearing.

Rather than comment, you take Price's hand again, feeling your face turn red with trying to lift him. He gets his knees bent to stand this time, but whenever any weight was applied afterward, an aggressive pain would awkwardly shoot through his body, taking all the momentum from him and causing him to sink back down. And with how heavy he was, you couldn't stop him once he it happened.

Price falls back against the rock again, as frustrated as you are about it all. He can't even bring himself to look you in your eye he's so mad, ashamed of the situation. It's not like him to be the one holding things back. He shouldn't have gotten wounded like this in the first place, he felt.

"...If you go and get help, I can manage here 'til then," Price starts to say. Feeling like a burden, he no longer wished to hold you down. But you wouldn't hear it.

"Fuck that," you protest. "I didn't carry you all the way over here to leave you so you can bleed out."

"...You didn't do it to die here either." He grabs at his side, gritting his teeth along to that burning pain he felt, as the taste of iron tinted the back of his throat now. "Look, this ain't how I plan on goin' out, trust me. Plus we've still got that dinner, yeah?"

Price smiles at you after he says it, and it takes everything in you not to cry. An unspoken reality lingered in the air soon after, because you both knew what it'd mean if you couldn't pick him up from this spot. You'd give anything to not make that so.

You hear more vehicles heading your way from the town. A good handful of them now. Too many. All armed and ready to take out the two 141 soldiers responsible for killing their friends. You knew if you left Price here now, you wouldn't see him again.

"Fuck..." Out of breath and defeated, sorrow starts to settle in and you swallow it down, letting the feelings stir into frustration. "Why'd we wait so long, John?"

Price felt at a loss for words. "I don't know..." he admits. He couldn't quite give you an answer for that; it had always just been... something. He could at least look you in your eyes when he spoke to you now. "But... I'm sorry for that," he says. "Probably should have said somethin' sooner, huh."

You have to bite your cheek to keep from letting his words fill you with so much sorrow and regret. "You and me both."

Fearful that these may actually be your final moments with your Captain, now you wish he hadn't said anything at all, not knowing you'd be losing him so soon after. Leave it to Price to twist the knife in a wound you didn't even know had now grown.

However, Price did not share your begrudging feelings about how things turned out. He'd just been happy finally getting that off his chest. Now, if you could just get to safety then if he did die tonight he'd be satisfied enough with things.

"Better late than never, right?" Price chuckles through the pain. And then he grows quiet. "You know I've always had a pension for dramatic timing."

The vehicles in the distance getting closer now. There was no more time for further talking.

"Forever the attention seeker, Captain," you comment.

"Yours is all I ever needed."

You look back to the town a final time, seeing the convoys getting closer. You take a deep breath, and then you reapproach your Captain, taking his hand. You prepare yourself to try and lift Price back up to his feet again. "Well, you've got it."

"Now hold on-"

"No," you didn't want to hear any more of his excuses to be left behind. If helping him means you both die here, then that was something you were willing to risk. "I'm not leaving you here, so give it up already."

With one final pull, you use all the strength you have left in you to lift your Captain up to his feet. He uses your momentum to push himself up from the boulder, actually managing to stand, though it feels as though his guts are about to spill out of him when he does.

As he's teetering over, you quickly grab hold of his arm, restabilizing him, and trying not to jump too much for joy that you actually got him up this time.

You take his arm and wrap it back around your shoulder, as you guided him over to the convoy.

"We're damn near home free, Captain," you say. "Just hold on a little longer. You'll make it. You're the toughest man I know."

He is the toughest man you knew. A man ready to jump into the fire to save others in need. A man that can shrug off a helicopter crash, take a beating and still keep from succumbing. You knew he'd never go down without a fight, and it's why you felt so safe beside him. It's why you wouldn't leave him.

You open the passenger door and help Price inside.

"...You really want that dinner, don't you?" he teases you.

"Is that even a question?" You check to make sure the vehicle can still run, feeling for any tracking devices that might overcomplicate your escape. Once you see you're good to go, you buckle your seat belt and take the wheel. "Yeah, I want that dinner. Now stop bleeding and sit tight."

"Yes, ma'am."

Next stop, the Evac Zone.

Part Two

[ghettosoftie]

Damarcus Lasha Shakespeare: When you came back into my life I was at my lowest. I've never would have thought that I would have found a man like you. I met you at the young age of 15, we went on a movie date to see the stepfather not thinking much of it. Unfortunately, one date was enough and we ended up going our separate ways. But one thing about it, I always had you in the back of my mind. You ended up getting married and having two handsome boys with your wife. I ended up going a different route, I was hanging out with friends, living the single life, kinda doing me after high school. I ended having a daughter around the same time you had your first son, I wanted to tell you all about her, but I kept a distance because I didn’t want to ruin your beautiful family, we both became parents. Still living separate lives I still would find myself watching you grow as a man from afar. Fast forward to 2019, I had gotten unfortunate news that you were in prison, you had your auntie reach out via Facebook so I would write you on jpay. During that time I was in a shitty relationship with a man who didn't appreciate me or treated me the way I deserved, I was also pregnant with my second daughter, just thinking how I was going to end up a single mother all over again. You also was going through the worse, dealing with a divorce and the betrayal from your wife. Knowing both of us were going through hard times we still managed to start back talking catching up on the times we missed in each others lives. Not knowing where it would even lead towards we both just ended up being there for each other in our time of need. Eventually I left my relationship thinking I'll forever be alone and how I will never find Mr Right. Knowing we both was hurting we still continued to converse, over time feelings started to involve, I tried to fight the feelings and urge because I was so scared to give my heart to another man after putting my all into someone that never appreciated the things I've done. Eventually I couldn't fight the feelings and urges anymore and we told each other how we felt and instantly started a relationship without any hesitation. We thugged it out together throughout your sentence in prion. No, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows but we had a lot of love and a bond like no other. Fast Forward March 26th, 2024, you’re finally coming home from prison, due to our rocky time we didn't know if we could be together or if we would even work out. But something kept us together and fighting for what we truly wanted, which was each other. You coming home was a little rough but we got through it, with a lot of tears and hard conversations we were still able to look pass everything because we always put our friendship and bond first. You became more than just my man, you became my best friend. There's nothing in this world I can't tell you or share with you. Once we really sat back and realized that this is what we truly wanted we worked through our issues and now we are is the best place in our relationship. You've helped me through my hardest time, you was there when my sister passed away, you was there when I was feeling alone and feeling like I wasn't enough. You always assured me that I was good enough and everything will be okay. I don't think I would have gotten through that chapter of my life without you. Mind you we were still rocky during the time of my sisters death, but you put all feelings aside and made sure I was okay. I could never thank you enough for that. Today, June 29th, 2024 we are in the best place in our relationship, we have our girls, we have goals and our bond is stronger than ever before. Every day I think about how lucky I am to have such a loving, hard working, sexy ass man in my life. I can't wait til the day I can take your last name and is able to show you how much love I can give. I can only imagine what the future holds for us, but all I know is that I never want to go through life without you. I love you more than you’ll ever realize. Thank you for being my backbone and changing my ways to make me a bet

[godmerlin]

Door as of now. I have a sense and sensibility (from 1995 aka my fave movie) poster and another merlin one to put up but I gotta wait for the other merlin to put up to make sure they will both fit on my door if they don't I'm not sure what I'm gonna do lol I wish my robbie and merthur posters were higher up but I put rob up in 2019 before I had anything else and I sort of centered it...and I didn't wanna move it now cuz it's up with duck tape and I don't wanna ruin it as it's not a poster I can just buy again since it was part of my Vegas VIP package. So it stays until whenever I move out which probably won't be til my dad passes away...so I'm hoping not entirely soon. And when that time comes I will be as careful as possible with it and hope for the best. The rest I can just find again if need be.

I had originally not wanted to hang posters up on door cuz I felt it was "juvenile" but now I'm like idc I want the things to show in my room. I just wish they were more even. I didn't realize the one merlin poster was going to be slightly smaller lol. As for other things I have they're going into frames to be displayed throughout my room so it doesn't get TOO juvenile but I figured my doors were open season. I have a Philadelphia story for my bedroom door. And I hang calendars from that door (currently robbie which I always have every year for years upon years and sebastian stan haha)

Barbara stanwyck is my fave actress and Ava is just gorgeous I couldn't resist. Lol

Now I have to get the rest of my room cleaned and organized! So much work! But it's going to be worth it!

[ic3qu33n]

Today is my 40th birthday.

Let me tell you a story.

When I was 7 my dad bought me Hollywood Hair Barbie right before my 8th birthday.

I had to beg him cause at the time (the 90’s) it was almost $30 dollars and back then my dad only bought me used dolls from the swap-meet. But one day my dad finally caved and on a Friday when he got his check, he told me it would be an early birthday present. I was so happy. I played with my doll all weekend.

Then Monday arrives, its time to go back to school. All I thought about was that doll. My friend had just shown me cool ways to braid my hair and all I wanted to do was go home and do it to the doll. But when I came home, she was nowhere to be found. I looked all over where I could have left it.

At that time my younger sister Vicky was 3 (about to turn 4) and stayed home with mom. I remember asking her over and over again if she touched my doll. She swore “no I never touched it”

Well my mom and dad had a polaroid camera that they took a lot of our childhood pictures with. This is how I found the truth. Well it wasnt til days later that I saw pictures of my sister Vicky holding my doll. Pictures of her and our little dog Junior. I was so mad. That was my doll, why did she think it was ok to touch what was mine. Of course I confronted her and showed her and my parents the pictures with her holding my doll… but she still wouldnt say what she did with it.

Almost two weeks had gone and still no sign of my barbie. Vicky stuck to her story that she didn’t touch it, even though we had the picture now.

Anyway, one day my mom told me to bring her all my old shoes that didnt fit anymore because she was gonna donate them. So I went looking under my bed and finally found my barbie... along with scissors and all her hair had been chopped of.

I remember I cried so much. I was so angry because Vicky took something that was mine and destroyed it. I got so hurt and bitter by the situation that I never asked for any barbie or dolls again. I feel like the little girl in me was so hurt she changed and grew up. Vicky ruined the only doll I ever really wanted. I stopped collecting any kind of doll or toy that Vicky might over on.

I must have talk about this doll enough in the past that my love, Chris remembered the story. So on my 36th birthday September 8th in 2019 he found my doll. Again I cried. This time this doll wasnt just the “coolest” doll but the most sentimental doll I own. I will for ever associate my sister Vicky who passed away in 2013, to this doll and this gift meant more than anyone will ever know.

Its weird because I remember the hurt I felt when I found my doll, but it reminds me of her. I miss my sister. She drove me crazy but I would give anything to just tell her I love her and show her this doll. ❤️

[d3athm3tal]

Now that the 22nd has past, I will no longer post about you. I’m not sure if you’ll read these, I’m not sure if you can remember your old password yet or if you’ll remember my username to check up on this from time to time, because you know I write on here. I’ve always wrote on here. And you’d always read it. I’d stay up til 4am back in 2019 perfecting everything I was writing in the hopes you’d see how crazy I was about you, how carefully I picked each word to resonate how I felt about you. This was us. Our thing. You and I, beating around the bush, writing notes and leaving hints. You have been in every line I have ever wrote. But I can’t do it anymore honey. I always said we could do 1% and 99% but right now I don’t feel you can give me any so I know it’s time. I know it’s time to put 100% into something else, into healing and growing, picking out clothes for my own, figuring out my own style and my own routine. 9:15pm can’t be the time you finish work, it just needs to be 9:15pm. And 22:22pm can pass every day and I need to not think of falling deep into you as my feet sunk deep into the sand on that beach. I need to understand and comprehend how I could love someone so truly, openly, deeply, honestly and raw and still get hurt the way you hurt me. I need to get over feeling like I am not enough because you betrayed me, I need to not think of that every night before I try to sleep. So I can’t post about you anymore. Because I can’t keep going over the same things, it’s becoming insanity. So this is it. There are no more excuses. I’m not sure when I’ll collect my stuff, it feels like your stuff now anyway so I’m not too fussed about grabbing a bag of things that will have your scent wrapped in them. Keep them if you’d like, though I don’t think you’d like. The gaps are filled for you now. Everything’s in place. You have great friends and the gaps in your walls have been replaced with new memories and there isn’t a sign of me in that room. Our room. You would think I’d never been in it. It’s your room again, because once again I felt nervous sitting in it as if it were the beginning except it was more like the end. Full circle. I drove to cairn grove on Wednesday. Full year. Last year we were celebrating an anniversary, and picking out cutlery and this year I don’t know what colour your nails are or if you’re happy. I need to say goodbye and I can’t do it any other way than hope that there’s still that same part of you that always looked for me. And if there is then you’ll have found your way here and you’ll be reading this, then maybe things aren’t as bad I thought. But none the less it’s time to go. I’ll love you and leave you, I will only leave you once but I will love you every day. I’ll fill my gaps. I won’t post but I won’t stop writing, you’ll exist in my words. Goodbye bup, and for the last time I love you.

24.02.23.

[robzaasworld]

✨ B A R C E L O N A ✨

I spent my 3rd anniversary with my partner in Barcelona for four nights this week… I originally bought it for his Christmas present but I thought, “hey, why not do it over our anniversary”

So over Christmas I booked our flights, hotel and transfers with the help of my tutor, I then ordered a custom made boarding card, where you scratch off the love heart and it’s got the destination underneath, it’s quite cute really.

Christmas Day arrived and he’s gifted this amazing little present and his eyes light up and that feeling I felt must be what it’s like to have kids, watching them opening there presents Xmas morning…

Fast forward to January 28th, the day of our first holiday and I have woken up feeling like death. Typical, I’m loaded with cold and I can’t be bothered for a day of travelling. So we arrive at the airport, everything’s fine, gets through security then threw duty free, we have an hour to kill so we’re just chilling. 9:50am we find our way down to gate seven to check ourselves in, waiting around to board then the check in women comes on the intercom and announces that there will be a THREE HOUR delay, now I’m panicking as I have our transfers booked??? So now I’m ringing the company, getting passed back and forth, getting absolutely nowhere, so now I’m just hoping for the best.

So now it’s 1:00pm and we’ve aboard the aircraft, of course I’m at the front and Jordan’s at the back because I refuse to pay for my seats, some may think I’m tight but I just ain’t doing it. Travel time is two hours and five minutes and by god the turbulence we had actually makes me question if I really want to be cabin crew.

So we arrive safe and sound in Barcelona but it’s cold, really cold. I don’t know why I thought it was gonna be warm but I did. I only have a jacket on me also 🙃 so we get outside looking for our transfers, no one there so now we’re back in the airport and we find the women but unfortunately because we were delayed our transfers been pushed til 7pm and the time is 4pm, she explains we will be able to claim back which is good, so we go off and find ourself a taxi to the hotel, which cost me 47 euros!!! I was fumin’

We arrive at our hotel, s t u n n i n g. Right centre of the la rambla’s, it just had the holiday smell, something I’ve craved since I was last aboard in 2019. We had a little look around all the ally ways and quirky little shops, we stopped by lady dumplings and had some homemade chilli curry chicken steamed dumplings, which were amazing btw, then we headed back to our hotel and I tell you now I was asleep by 9:30pm, I was knackered.

Saturday 29th January - the day off our anniversary, we get up, get sorted and head to breakfast. I had continental breakfast and jordan tried some but I don’t think he liked it, I think he was hoping for a full English but I enjoyed mine. After breakfast we head for Barcelona zoo, it was the best, the elephants, seals, giraffes , lions, everything was amazing. Jordan even bought me a giraffe teddy in which I named Norman. After the zoo we had a wander to la Sagrada Família, which was stunning, I can’t believe how big it was. After all the sight seeing we headed back to hotel to get ready to go for some food and drinks, and when I tell you I nearly died when I seen the price of my cocktail, which ONE COCKTAIL was twenty euro! After the restaurant we headed to an Irish bar ( I know not very Spanish) we spent all night here, drinking and singing, we called it a night at half two.

Next morning, I was abit ropey so we went for McDonald’s and my god the cheese sauce with the bacon on the fries were lush! After McDonald’s we headed to Primark as I was freezing and silly me only brought a jacket… after Primark we went to find some of the anime shops we had seen on tik tok. I actually bought some Pokémon socks, which are too small 🙄 we also did a bus tour which I’m happy I got a hoodie! Was cold sunny and windy, seeing all the places were amazing

Barcelona has officially stole my heart, what an amazing place and I can’t wait to be back. 🖤

- Robzaa ✌🏻

[ticketstomydaydreams]

HOME

(All We Have: Part One)

Part Two

Colson x Female Reader

Summary: You and Colson are close friends and he invites you to move in to his house while you work on his record together

Word count: 1,580

Feels: Friendship Fluff for now

Warnings: Alcohol consumption, cursing, mentions of feeling depressed

Companion playlist:

Machine Gun Kelly - Home

Sia - Dressed in Black 

The Beatles - With a Little Help from My Friends

A/N: Throughout the series there will be changes to the timing of real life events like the pandemic, the release of certain songs etc. There's certain things I want to incorporate into the series, like particular events in MGKs life and lyrics from songs, so some stuff will get moved around to fit in to the story ✌️

______

It had been a long evening working in Colson’s home studio, The Boulevard, with him and the gang on the upcoming Tickets to my Downfall album. To say your schedule was busy was an understatement, but Colson had insisted you get involved with the new material after the success of your work together on Hotel Diablo.

Composing music was your main gig, you had an ear for melody and your passion for writing meant you always had lyrics swirling around your head. You had a penchant for dark and melancholy lyrics, finding music to be a source of therapy for you. It was something you and Colson had instantly bonded over. He'd bugged you to list some of the stuff you'd written that he'd know and you had gained his professional respect immediately.

He always kept a close eye on your work, ever the supportive friend and had laid claim to your piece ‘Glass House’ as soon as he'd heard it.

______

2019

You were sitting crossed legged on the sofa in your lounge, gently strumming your guitar and gazing off into space and mumbling to yourself, as you worked out some lyrics in your head. Colson was lying on the floor by your feet, scrolling through his phone with earphones in, a blunt in his hand that he occasionally passed up to you. This was a common set up, you found it easier to write in the peace and quiet and Colson has gradually started hanging out at your place more when he needed to focus on his own writing.

"All alone in the glass house, lie awake til the sun's out, pink sky when you come down…"

"Throw me in the damn flames, Bury me in gold chains, throw me in the damn flames…"

You'd started singing out loud, occasionally stopping to scribble down lyrics and make adjustments, not noticing that Colson had removed his earbuds to listen to you

" Dude, that's hard, like, beautiful… " His comment made you jump slightly, you hadn't seen him propping himself up on his elbows, watching you intently "Sing that last bit again"

You blushed slightly, his opinion was always important to you, and started singing. He muttered to himself as you did, then pointed at you "Again!"

Letting out a little laugh and rolling your eyes, you sang again

"Throw me in the damn flames, bury me in gold chains, throw me in the damn flames"

Colson's voice met yours at the end of the line, rapping softly "I'm waiting on the rain to come and wash it all away"

You locked eyes, smiling and he sat upright. "Dude, Im'a need that hook! That spoke to me right there, I've think got something for it that I've been stuck on"

He looked so excited, your heart did a little flip. You'd seen that writing this album had taken it out of him, he'd been digging deep and really going through it emotionally. You could tell it was going to be raw and special from what you'd heard already.

He sat forward and moved the guitar from your lap so he could lean his arms on your knees and looked up at you shooting you puppy dog eyes with those baby blues "Pretty please Y/N"

You laughed and ruffled his hair, "Anything for you Col" Honestly, it'd be an honour to be part of such a personal project, you thought

He wrapped his arms round you and squeezed,

"You're a legend, kid. Get a sample recorded and send it to me!" He grabbed your guitar off the sofa and whipped back around, strumming a few chords as he carried on talking with his back to you, leaning against the sofa "This is gonna be fire, you always just hit the nail on the head, I swear it's like you're in my head sometimes"

You smiled, seeing the wave of motivation that had struck your friend. You felt so lucky to have a friend who was not only so inspiring, but one who 'got it', who understood that music was a form of release. Someone who recognised that it was important to feel these things, rather than encourage you to push dark thoughts away with toxic positivity.

He’d pushed to use your original samples on his record, but as much as you loved writing and singing, you were a behind the scenes kind of gal which had always suited you just fine. Naomi, a mutual friend of you both, came onboard to record them with him. A decision that turned out to be golden… 'Death in my Pocket' would be born not long after, with Naomi doing your lyrics such beautiful justice yet again, perfectly pairing with Colson's emotional rapping.

______

From then on Colson had kept you close to his recording. You'd been helping here and there with composition and notation, but your production skills were what was taking centre stage during the most recent sessions. You had a long list of projects you were working through, leaving you chained to your equipment most days and nights anyway so throwing more music into your workload didn't seem like much of a big deal. In all honesty, the chaos of Colson’s studio and the revolving door of personalities that were in and out constantly, made it one of the most fun places to be. You loved what you did for a living and it never really felt like work Even though the guys were a real handful at times, you kind of enjoyed being the studio 'Mami' as they often affectionately referred to you

Everything had wrapped up for the evening and the guys had migrated back into the house. You could hear from the raucous that the drinks must have started flowing freely. You were saving your work and packing up your stuff when Colson bursts back into the studio and throws himself in a chair, spinning it around with his arms in the air.

"You staying for drinks Y/N?" he grins at you, clearly hyper and in party mode

You let out a big sigh "Urgh, I'd love to but I have an early start tomorrow. I finally managed to get an apartment viewing. I swear I've looked at a hundred places now, they get snapped up so quickly.. I've only got a few weeks left on my lease as well"

“Ah, that sucks kid” Colson empathises, spinning his chair again before an idea strikes him “Wait! Why don’t you move in here for a bit until you find a place? The guest room is pretty much your room anyway, the amount you crash here”

You laugh “This is true, that mattress is so much better than mine! Aw Col, that would honestly be so helpful, the stress of finding a place when I’m this busy is killing me. I don't know… You sure the guys won’t mind?”

Colson scoffs “Why would they mind? You practically live here anyway” he teases “I’m sure they’ll be just as stoked as I am at the thought of you joining the madhouse for a while”

Before you have a chance to respond, he stands up and throws his arms around you, squashing you into him tightly “That’s it decided Roomie. Another song in the bag and a new housemate, plenty to celebrate tonight!”

Wriggling out of his tight grasp, you laugh and in a deep voice shout “let’s goooooo” mocking his signature catchphrase. He flips you his middle finger and says “Kitchen, now”

Once you’re in the kitchen, Colson heads to get you a drink and grabs one himself. Appearing back at your side, he passes you your beer and then shouts out to the rest of the group,

“YO, meet our latest housemate, Y/N is moving in. LET’S FUCKING GOOOOO”

Everyone in the kitchen lets out a big cheer, clearly pleased as he said they would be. Colson bends down and picks you up, swinging you around in a circle, spilling your drinks all over the both of you as you shout his name in mock annoyance, between giggles.

“I hope you know what you’re letting yourself in for” Rook laughs, clinking his drink against your now empty beer bottle once your feet are back on the floor

“It’ll be good to have another pair of hands around here, looking after you lot” Ashleigh chimes in, laughing and slapping Slim away as he pulls her hood up over her head, covering her eyes

It had been 5 years since you'd made the decision to move to LA, barely knowing a soul. You'd worked several jobs, jumped from place to place, worked your ass off to catch your break in the music business, sometimes feeling like the grind would never get you anywhere.

There had been times where you felt like you couldn't carry on, aching from trying to keep pace. The dream had felt like it was turning into a nightmare, as you tried to make ends meet, feeling so lonely in this enormous city.. but eventually you'd made these amazing friends who made you feel so safe and loved.

Now, there were times you had to pinch yourself just to make sure it was all real.

As you shake off some of the beer that's dripping from your hands, you look around the kitchen. Taking in the crazy, loveable bunch before you, your new housemates, you are filled with gratitude. You finally felt like you were exactly where you were supposed to be…

Home.

______

❌❌ Lace up!

[justmochi]

Kids talk about heartbreak with Jenn

pairing :: jenn x kids

word count :: 1.1k

synopsis :: jenn sits down to talk about her experience with heartbreak to kids.

warnings :: mentions of breakup, trouble eating and staying healthy, angst(?)

a/n :: based on odg’s channel. tbh this isn't even just for kids if you’re going through a breakup, take jenn’s advice!!!

“Hi there,” Jenn smiled as a young boy came onto the set, sitting across from her at the table. He flashed her a shy grin, bowing his head.

“Hello.”

“What’s your name?”

“Hyunwoo.” He fiddled with his fingers under the table.

“Ahh, Hyunwoo? That’s such a handsome name.” She offered her hand, allowing him to shake hers. “My name is Jenn.”

“Jenn?” He raised his eyebrows.

“Oh yes. I don’t have a Korean name. I was born in the states.”

“Where?”

“New York. I moved here when I was fifteen I think? I trained to become an idol.”

“Did you ever debut?”

Jenn chuckled, nodding her head. “Yes, I debuted in 2017. Have you heard of GOT7?”

He nervously shook his head, which was okay. He looked too young to know that much about the industry.

“That is the boy group I debuted in. Ironically, I was the eighth member. And the only girl.”

“Seven boys and one girl?”

“Interesting right? I released my first independent album in 2019. I write my own songs too.” She caught herself getting distracted, getting back on the subject. “I just released my first full length album. It has ten songs that focus on my struggles with heartbreak.”

The boy nodded his head with his mouth open.

“Hyunwoo, do you know what heartbreak is?”

“It’s when your heart is broken?”

“Yes, you’re right! Your heart is not physically shattered, but all the emotions are there. Have you ever felt heartbroken?”

“I think so.”

“Heartbreak comes in many forms, not just romantic relationships. You may experience heartbreak from a friend, a family member, perhaps even a pet.”

“When I fight with my friends, I get heartbroken sometimes.”

“You do?” She frowns, patting his shoulder. “You guys make up though, right?”

“Yes, after a day or two. They’re always stupid arguments anyways.”

“I understand that. When I was a trainee, there would always be little disagreements within the dorms. But since we lived together, we had no choice but to make up.”

“My girlfriend likes to be jealous too!”

“Girlfriend? You have a girlfriend?”

“Yes, her name is Areum.”

“Such a pretty name! I can’t believe you have a girlfriend at your age!” She covered her mouth while laughing, “I didn’t get my first boyfriend til I was in my twenties.”

“Wow, how old are you now?” He asked with wide eyes.

“I just turned 26.”

He nodded with his mouth wide open.

“Sometimes things don’t always go as planned, and people break up.” She looked at him sincerely, her hands folded in her lap.

“Why do people break up? Did someone break up with you?”

“People break up for a number of reasons. Sometimes people just fall out of love, or they’re just not good for each other. Distance can play a part in it too. My breakup was mutual. We both agreed that things would be better off if we separated.”

“Were you sad?”

“Of course. You can experience pain from lots of different things. If you’ve ever had surgery, the scars can hurt too. But I think the pain of a breakup is much different than any physical pain someone may experience. If I’m being honest, a broken heart hurts way more than any number of surgeries or wounds. It’s the worst pain I’ve felt.”

“I’m sorry.” Hyunwoo looked saddened, looking down at his lap. “Do you feel better now?”

“A lot better. That’s why I wrote my newest album. It healed me in a way. I got my emotions typed out and made songs out of it, so that I could hopefully help someone else who is going through the same situation as me.”

“What if I get my heart broken?”

She grinned, pain behind her smile as she patted his shoulder. “I guess that’s why I’m here today. A time will come when you will inevitably get your heart broken, and I want to pass down my advice in advance. I know it won’t erase the hurt, but it may just make things easier for you.”

The little boy nodded as if he was ready for whatever she was about to send his way. Jenn sat up straight again, fixing her posture.

“The most important thing is to have a good support system. It’s not good for anyone to go through heartbreak alone. It makes the healing process slower and more painful. By the sound of it, you sound like you have good friends, Hyunwoo.”

He nodded with a faint smile on his face.

“They will be there to keep you in check. When I was going through my breakup, I couldn’t eat or even shower. I slept all day and barely left my bed. I lost a lot of weight and it took weeks to regain my stamina. I was so weak.” Speaking up about her experience, she felt her body beat up with memories. “My best friend was there for me every step of the way. He made sure I was eating and would even take me out for ice cream. My mother, well, I feel bad now for the burden I put on her. There was only so much she could do. I can't imagine how helpless she felt because of me. Because of how stubborn I was.”

“But they never gave up on you, right?” Hyunwoo butted in when she paused to find her words.

“Nope. They may have felt defeated at times, even mentally drained, but they were always there.”

He looked down at his lap, fiddling with his fingers as he nodded.

“Another tip. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel. You’re allowed to let yourself feel whatever you want. Your feelings are valid.”

“Got it.”

“Take your time. Don’t rush yourself. Putting on a face and pretending you’re fine when you’re not, it will only hurt you more. It sounds cliche, but time heals all wounds.”

She clapped her hands together, surprised she held herself together for this long. “Lastly, Hyunwoo, love is not over. You may never want to love someone again. You may want to lock your heart in a cage to make sure you never get hurt again, but I can reassure you, You will love again. Allow yourself to love and be happy. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“It might be hard, but you can overcome anything.”

Hyunwoo agreed with her, pursing his lips as his eyes wandered past the cameras. “Can I give you a hug?”

Jenn pouted her lips, whining as tears finally pooled in her eyes. “Of course.” She held her arms out as Hyunwoo wrapped his tiny arms around her neck. She was gentle when patting his back, blinking repeatedly to keep the tears at bay. She pulled back, chuckling as the staff handed her a tissue.

“I’m sorry.” She apologized while patting her tear ducts. She was surprised to see Hyunwoo grab the tissue from her and dab the spots she missed.

“He’s such a gentleman!” She laughed as Hyunwoo giggled, grabbing her hand. “Ahh Hyunwoo, I’m so glad I got to meet and talk with you today.”

“Me too.”

“Can you say hi to Areum for me?”

“Yes.”

[aftgficrec]

hello!! so ever since i read that fic where neil gets migraines and aaron helps him, ive been really wanting to read more migraine/ headache fics. So could you recommend some like that? Sick fics in general would be good too!

Here’s the hurt/comfort you’re looking for! - A

Also see:

Sick Andrew here

Nicky takes care of sick Aaron here

‘on quietness and the refuge found within it’ here

‘Until We Go Down’ here

‘Those That Broke Us’ here’

‘Paper Cut Hearts’ here

‘Fake it ‘til you make it’ here

‘Let's make things interesting’ here (since updated)

‘Home’ here

‘The Way We Are’ (kevaaron) here

‘Pause and Restart my Heart’ series here

‘Wrecked’ here

‘My name is Alex’ series here

‘It’s always yes, until it’s no’ here

‘your love is the cure’ here

‘Crash Course in Feelings’ here

‘Crash course in feelings…remix’ and ‘Hospitals and Anesthesia’ here

‘Ebb and Flow’ here (since updated)

‘We'll Be Okay’ here

‘N for nebulous’ here (since updated)

Becoming Friends by love_in_the_city [Rated G, 10108 Words, Complete, 2021]

Five times Aaron helped Neil with his headaches and one time he didnt have to

or an AU where Aaron realises he doesnt hate Neil and helps him.

I am soft for Aaron and Neil friendship alright, and I do really believe them becoming friends.

Medical misunderstandings by CamilleDuDemon [Rated T, 4115 Words, Complete, 2021]

Andrew thinks he's having a heart attack. Aaron thinks it shouldn't be his problem. Neither of them is right and, apparently, performing an emergency auscultation on your twin brother makes up for a good therapy session.

tw: panic attacks

constants by sqacey [Rated G, 1063 Words, Complete, 2020, Locked]

Constant (adjective) regularly recurrent; continual; persistent.

Medicine And A Little Bit Of Love by andreilinlove [Rated G, 3986 Words, Complete, 2020]

Cough, cough, cough.

Well shit.

When the realization settled in, Neil knew he was fucked. He knew from the moment he forced his eyes open and felt like death itself.

flood on the floor by conniptionns [Rated T, 4311 Words, Complete, 2017]

Neil is injured in the playoffs. He gets hurt (but doesn't die).

tw: major character injury, tw: blood

Aches by Allfourthefoxes [Rated T, 1557 Words, Complete, 2021]

Aaron has a migraine and Kevin helps him

i heard your voice by nightquills [Rated T, 3471 Words, Complete, AFTG Spring Exchange 2020]

Andrew didn’t believe in soulmates, and he sure as hell didn’t believe that there was one out there for him. He may have been a bit hasty in jumping to that conclusion.

Trying Hard not to Fall by Aleekae [Not rated, 2,366 words, complete 2016]

Mary’s hands clenched tighter around the steering wheel. “Symptoms?”

Neil thought about it for a minute, but he knew he couldn’t lie to his mother. She would just find out anyways, given how they never left each other’s side. “Runny nose, scratchy throat. No fever.”

“Yet.”

“Yet.”

tw: implied/referenced child abuse

Overheating by irls_goaway [Rated T, 2933 Words, Complete, 2020]

“For someone who just passed out from heatstroke, you look awfully smug,” Andrew says. Neil’s smile only widens.

or

Neil vlogs his life which consists of Andrew and Exy. Not even a heatwave can keep Neil away from either one of those things.

on tenderness; a guide to taking better care of yourself by puddingcatbeans [Rated G (we say T), 6149 Words, Complete, 2019]

Neil is a finger on a trigger, pedal to metal, a breath away from launching himself off the edge of the roof at all times. He’s a rabbit heart, always ready to run off at a second’s notice—except when he’s looking at Andrew like that.

a series of moments on andrew learning to be gentle with himself; or, alternatively, andrew waxing poetic about one neil josten and realizing that his life maybe isn't so bad after all.

tw: depression

[alkcomics]

Been making an effort to listen to at least one new album every month for a while now. The first year anniversary of the pandemic hitting felt like as good a time as ever to take stock of what I’ve been digging and share it with y’all.

Seeing this all helps me really feel the passing of time, which has been difficult with the lockdown isolation and depression. Album names link to a choice song on Bandcamp (when I can) or YouTube (when I can’t) in case anyone else out there feeling like a sad zoo animal wants to spice up the cage for a few minutes.

Hope y’all dig. Cheers!

2019 New Music

September | Ahmed Fakroun | “Did you like the musical texture of the Land Down Under song but wished it were sad Libyan disco instead? Well have I got the album for you.” Seriously though, Njoom Al Leyel is probably the most gorgeous song in existence

November | Patience by Mannequin Pussy | All the feels of the Joan of Arc/Kinsella bros Philly emo scene; rad female vocalist and one of the last live shows I saw before the shutdown

December | Devil is Fine by Zeal & Ardor | High concept music project mixing American Black folk with black metal; totally delivers on the premise

2020 New Music

January | Jaago by Lifafa | Vernacular electronic music project of Suryakant Sawhney; chill vibes and gorgeous lyrics

February | On by Altın Gün | The 70s psychedelic revival in Turkish rock music right now is my jam, and I’d be wearing lines in the vinyl if I had a physical copy of this album (waiting til next Bandcamp day to order)

March | Grab that Gun by the Organ | This album fell neatly into my life from the first driving bass line. Dunno how I missed it when it came out. Equal thirds Screaming Females, Joy Division, and it’s own dang thing

April | Dust by I Love You But I’ve Chosen Darkness | The dark indie pop post rock of your dreams

May | Savage Times by Hanni El Khatib | Come for the punk bangers, stay for the disco tear-jerkers. Hanni El Khatib delivers again

June | Antiphon by Alpha Mist | My cousin rec’d Kamasi Washington and I realized I was woefully illiterate in modern jazz. Very chill jazz sophisticated through the lens of hip-hop; echoings of J Dilla

July | Windflower by Herb Ellis & Remo Palmier | Jazz guitar album from the late 70s I’d never heard; melodic and exuding the feelings of death and renewal that come with spring

August | Space Echo: The Mystery Behind the Cosmic Sound of Cabo Verde Finally Revealed! by Various (collected by Analog Africa) | So much good 70s electronica from Africa, and this is a fantastic compilation of different artists with a very insane backstory

September | Drowner’s Wives by Monte Luna | Old school garage heavy feeling; just some good dark psych metal

October | Conference of the Birds by OM | Not my favorite OM album but one I’d never gotten to hear before and perfectly emblematic of why I fucking love them. Search the reddit thread of stoned grad students pouring over the lyrics to add the cherry on top

November | The June Frost by Mournful Congregation | Textured metal outfit from Australia with the range of black metal but the tone of doom

December | Life Metal by Sun O))) | As someone put it recently, this album is the soundtrack to the big bang. Monoliths & Dimensions always overshadowed it before, but after really giving it the time of day I say why pit two kings against each other. I think actually they were talking about M&D with that quote. Y’all ever been sent that meme with Sunn O))) and a vacuum cleaner that’s all “where’s the difference?” Not to take the funny seriously, but the difference is my cats lose their g-damn minds when the vacuum is on but absolutely vibe when Sunn O))) blasts through the airwaves -- which, luckily for them, is much more often than when I vacuum

2021 New Music

January | Liberty Bell by DARKSIDE | Dark electrowave - not a genre of music I generally flock to but I could and have listened to this song on repeat for days

February | What’s Your Pleasure by Jessie Ware | 2021 is about trying to branch out more, and I also don’t usually gravitate toward pop... but you give me a new disco record titled from a Hellraiser quote and I’ll fucking stan

March | Veils of Winter by Blackwater Holylight | ‘Motorcycle’ starts out doom, then gets stoner psych, then goes full dark hippy butt rock guitar riff with dreamy vocal goodness. The rest of the album loses the butt rock but you bet your butts my neighbors are tired of hearing it

April | Celestial by ISIS | A standby of post-metal glory that I’d never really heard in its entirety til now. ‘C.F.T’ is my favorite, but as an avid Earth fan it’s the easy choice. Perfect soundtrack to the warming spring nights, which in the words of a dear friend, are ‘for acid and metal’

---

Ask box is always open if anyone’s got some good jams they want to share my way. Love y’all

[jaehyunspeachparty]

11. Wine & Snow (m)

"And then Santa Claus gave the bad boy a present too, because they boy knew know that he had made a mistake. And so everyone was happy. The end." Jaehyun closed the book and was about to put it aside when Sunoh took his arm. "Again," said the little boy, looking deep into his father's eyes. "We read this story every day and today I've read it twice. You have to go to sleep now, otherwise Santa Claus can't come." Jaehyun grinned broadly and you look over, as you are nursing Kiwoo, to see how the children react. "No Suno! Santa Claus has to come, otherwise we won't get any presents," said Miga in panic.  "Okay sleep now." Sunoh lay flat on the bed and you laughed. Since it is Christmas, the children were allowed to sleep in bed with you. And they were especially good the last few days, because they were already looking forward to Christmas. "Daddy covers us," said Miga and lay down next to her little brother. Jaehyun took the big blanket and put it over the two. "Kiss," Sunoh said, tapping his lips. "Good night," said Jaehyun and kissed Miga and Sunoh. "Mummy", Sunoh said then and you kiss both children too. "Good night and sleep well." Jaehyun and you now get up and go out of the bedroom. You then put Kiwoo next to Geon, who was already asleep. "Can it be that all the children are in bed before 9 o'clock?" Jaehyun laughed as he walked down the stairs with you. "A Christmas miracle perhaps?" You shrug your shoulders and you go into the kitchen. "I'm free of work, the children are sleeping, my beautiful wife is with me. I'll treat myself to a good bottle of wine." Jaehyun reached into the shelf and took out a wine glass. "Yes, you deserve it." You smile gently and see how he slowly poured the red wine into the glass. "Come over." He took your wrist and pulled you into the living room where there was the piano. He put down his glass and sat on the stool. You were about to sit aside when Jaehyun pulled you onto his lap. "I want you with me as long as possible", he whispered and put his arms around your body so that he can grab the keys. "Oh holy night. The stars are brightly shining. It is the night of our dear savior's birth. Long lay the world in sin and error, pining 'Til He appeared and the soul felt it's worth." He sang one of those beautiful Christmas carols and you just listen to his voice. He played very slowly, sang very gently. "A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn 'Fall on your knees, oh, hear the Angels' voices Oh, night divine, oh, night when Christ was born Oh, night divine, oh, night, oh night divine." Slowly his voice got louder and he tried to hit every note for you. He sang with all his heart, with all passion. You were always amazed how great his voice was. Not only did you love to listen when he talk for hours, but he was also so musically gifted. You hope he can pass this talent on to at least one of his children. You cling to him tightly, listening to the music and listening to his voice. It was just so nice and quiet. When Jaehyun finished, he released his hands from the keyboard and he kissed your shoulder. "That was so nice," you say and smile gently. Jaehyun hugged you tight and he leaned against your back. And when he was so near to you and just wanted to feel your warmth, he saw how it started to snow. "Look", he turned you to the window and he had to grin. "It's snowing!" You say excitedly and look at your husband. "Come on, let's go out." He picked you up and you took your jackets to go into the garden.

So you stand in the middle of the garden, in the middle of the snow. You put your hands out and feel the snowflakes. "I can't understand why Kiwoo doesn't like the snow." You have to start laughing and Jaehyun also remembers the day when the babies got to experience the snow for their first time. "I'm so happy that I can be home for a few days now. I don't want to miss anything," Jaehyun whispered and laid his forehead on yours. He still had his wine glass in his hand, what was between you. "Sometimes I wish we could just break out. Live a year somewhere else." You sigh and put your hand on his. "But I don't want to go anywhere else with you. We have so much here. A beautiful house, great friends, a job ..." He smiled and stroked your cheek. "Yes, I know ... I miss you sometimes. Particularly when you're gone from morning to night. Sometimes I miss you so much that it almost hurts ..." You look up at him and sigh. Jaehyun didn't say anything, he just looked at you and somehow how did you get the feeling that he was the same. "Leaving you behind with the kids every day hurts so much. I am often afraid of missing important things and sometimes when you talk about what the children did, I get jealous because I can't see it." You stroke his chest and you were surprised at his reaction. He was seldom so honest about his feelings. And you knew that this was the only way he could be with you and wouldn't talk to anyone else about it. But you knew he didn't need an answers to that. That's why you just kiss him very passionately. And he returned the kiss. His hand went loose and the wineglass fall in the snow, but he didn't care. You were lip on lip. Tongue on tongue. And the next moment he picked you up and carried you back into the house, but he immediately laid you on the carpet by the window in the living room.

The room was dark and only the lights from the Christmas tree shone. It was kind of romantic and when Jaehyun stroked your naked body you were able to relax completely. He begins to gently kiss your breasts and you can feel how his length moves up and down your body with his movements. He tried to put your whole breast in his mouth. Your nipples swelled more and more and everything starts to tighten inside you. He put his hands on your knees and spread your legs a little. But it all went according to his plan, because after stimulating your breasts, he wandered down to your center with his kisses. You start to moan as he licked his tongue between your labia. He sucked on your clit and circled your tongue. His fingers slowly drove into your entrance so that he stretched you a little. He licked you, but he didn't stay long because now he was awake and greedy. Soon his head was over yours. And his dick in you, you start to moan and Jaehyun moved gently and sensually inside you. You grip with your finger on his forearm and hold on tight. Jaehyun came with his lips immediately to your neck and he continued to kiss you and when you turn to the side, you continue to see the snow falling. "Isn't it beautiful?" You look at him and he stopped in surprise. "What?" Somehow he didn't understand. "It's all so beautiful now. You, the snow, your dick." You winked and Jaehyun had to laugh. "The only beautiful thing I see is you," he said and immediately kissed you so that you couldn't answer anything more. Then he started moving again. And this time the sex was very slow and very long. Jaehyun fucked you in the missionary position, in the spoon position, then you lie with your back on him, but then you sit on each other in a tight hug. You never miss a moment to touch each other. Every second you wanted to be as close as possible to each other. A position like doggy would leave you too far apart. The sex was sensual and gentle. Nothing was rushed and everything fit into the quiet evening. But at some point the senses were overwhelmed and Jaehyun could no longer hold himself back. He cum but held you tight during his orgasm. "I love you so much," said Jaehyun then and kissed you. "I love you so much too," you say and smile. Then you turn to the side, pull a blanket over your naked body and look into the snow. You could still see Jaehyun's wine glass and where he had poured the red wine, but slowly the snow covered the red stain and everything was white again.

daddy jaehyun masterlist

naughty & nice 2020 masterlist

naughty & nice 2019 masterlist

[bangtan]

BTS: “We’re eager to give comfort and joy through our music now more than ever”

The global superstars tell us about uplifting new single 'Dynamite', their upcoming album and how lockdown reinforced their love of music Pop music has long been a healing force in the world, reflecting the times that we’re living through – be that on a macro or micro scale – and offering comfort, support and a vehicle to process our experiences through. BTS are pros at this, and often hold a mirror up to the struggles facing young people in society and in their relationships with others and themselves in their songs. Their new single ‘Dynamite’ – their first entirely in English – might not reference our current state of global turmoil in its lyrics (instead focusing on the good times gone by in lines such as “Bring a friend / Join the crowd”), but it was borne out of the same desire to help soothe their fans. It achieves this in spades, and is a potent tonic from pandemic life that. In another time, the song would serve as a soundtrack to days spent endlessly lingering in the sun and “danc[ing] til the break of dawn”. This is a song that takes you on a ride into an alternate world of freedom and fun. BTS, like everyone, have felt the impact of the pandemic pressing pause on their plans this year. Instead of using this time to take a few months off, they’ve thrown themselves into making a new album (due for release later this year), taking on all duties from the music to visuals and marketing to choreography. As well as helping others, focusing on music has aided them in this time too. “At first, we were all lost,” rapper and leader RM said at the band’s online press conference last week (August 21) when NME asked how they’d all been getting on. “It was very hard the more time passed.” But the process of time and a forced break also gave them a renewed perspective: “Things that are suspended in water will settle to the bottom after a while and then you get clean water. This allowed us to settle down and allowed us to see more clearly in the future. Covid-19 put a halt to many of our activities, but it also gave us a chance to not just work on music, but to think really deeply about music.” The band describe coming across ‘Dynamite’, which was written by songwriters Jessica Agombar and David Stewart, as “destiny”, as well as a chance for them to try their hand at something new. “When things were difficult and frustrating for us, this was a sort of ray of light, a sip of sweet water,” RM said. “We call this our own recharge project and we hope that it will be able to recharge your own batteries, even if it’s only for a moment.” As ‘Dynamite’ fights for the Number One spot on the Official UK Singles Chart (and will almost certainly score them their highest charting UK debut to date), we caught up with BTS to talk about spreading joy, their upcoming VMAs performance and their next album.

Historically, disco music has served as a form of escapism, giving listeners reprieve from society’s hardships. There are many music genres that can give the positive energy you were after – why was disco the right route to go down in terms of ‘Dynamite’’s sound?

BTS: “We didn’t intend to choose disco for our digital single. We came across the song while working on our new album. When we first heard the demo, the upbeat sound and energy of the track instantly cheered us up. We wanted ‘Dynamite’ to deliver a message of hope to our fans in these difficult times, so this disco pop genre track felt like the perfect fit.”

The dance routines in your videos are usually highly choreographed but ‘Dynamite’ feels a lot looser and more spontaneous in places. How does that reflect what you want people to take from the song?

BTS: “The choreography is cheerful and crisp and goes well with the song. The gestures and moves not only bring out the unique personalities and vibes of each member, but it’s also really catchy and easy to learn. As much as we want people to be uplifted by this tune, we hope a lot of people will be able to pick up the dance moves easily and groove away!”

RM, in the ‘Dynamite’ press conference you said the coronavirus halting your planned activities gave you a chance to think really deeply about music too. Can you share what you meant by that?

RM: “It has been a difficult year for many. We have also had to face many surprises and changes. That naturally made us think profoundly about music. We can honestly say that we love it, and we are passionate about singing and dancing more than anyone. We realised, however, that no matter how passionate we are, we need our fans there to listen to our songs and watch us perform. It made us eager to comfort and give joy to people through our music and performance more than ever. That is how ‘Dynamite’ came to be. We decided to accept new challenges and be more flexible.”,

You’re performing at the VMAs on August 31, an awards ceremony that has seen many iconic performances over the years from the likes of Madonna, Nirvana, Beyoncé, and Eminem. What does it mean to you for BTS to be getting the chance to join that list?

BTS: “First and foremost, it’s an honour to perform ‘Dynamite’ for the very first time at the VMAs! Although we will be connecting from Seoul, we’re excited at the opportunity to perform alongside many incredible artists. We’d like to credit our ARMYs for their unbelievable support that allowed us to participate in amazing opportunities like this.”

Break The Silence: The Movie is out next month and follows you on your 2019 ‘Love Yourself: Speak Yourself’ world tour. What are your favourite memories or were the most important moments for each of you from that tour?

BTS: “Performing on stage with our fans is definitely the highlight of the tour. But we did enjoy some moments off stage as well and you can see all of those moments in the new movie too.”

June’s Bang Bang Con earned you the Guinness World Record for most-viewed livestream concert. What was the experience of holding your own virtual concert like for you?

BTS: “We never expected such a remarkable accomplishment. It was quite a memorable and valuable experience for us to perform for our ARMYs even in these hard times. The fact that we won’t stop navigating ways to stay connected with our fans means a lot to us.”

You’re currently working on a new album and have shared out different roles – e.g. Jimin as project manager and V in charge of visuals. How has undertaking these roles changed your perspective on the album-making process?

BTS: “This upcoming album really reaches new heights in terms of active participation from the members. We each take our share of responsibility for the team and act with initiative; increasing our responsibility from general participation to taking charge of more significant portions of the creative process allowed us to consider many more aspects of music.”

[thewookieruns]

Falloutober Day 4: Cloud Nine

So... @darkwolf7-26 ​ asked me this question back in 2019 about this little story. I’m going to post this on AO3 as well, but this story gets it’s own post.

Here is @falloutober ​ Day 4: Cloud Nine

Erich Richardson cleared his throat nervously as he tried to finish adjusting his tie in the cracked mirror.

“Are you doing okay?” Nick Valentine asked. The Sole Survivor turned to the synthetic detective, who had changed out of his standard attire into a much nicer suit. However, his fedora was still comfortably perched on his bald, plastic head.. Erich chuckled nervously.

“I’m fine, just nervous as hell.” he sighed, swinging his arms back and forth to try and loosen the tension in his shoulders. “I mean… the last time I did this, it didn’t exactly end well.”

Nick snorted a laugh. “That’s one way of putting it, kid.” The synth stepped over to the younger man and helped him fix his tie. Erich felt his face flush with heat.

“Thanks.” he choked out. As Nick finally got the Sole Survivor’s tie straight, Erich cleared his throat again. “Listen, Nick… I just wanted to thank you.”

“For what?” the detective asked, one of his artificial eyebrows rising.

“Well… ever since I stumbled into Diamond City, you really took me under your wing. To be honest, you’ve really become a father figure to me. I want to live a life that would make you and dad proud. Thank you for that.”

Nick stood in silence, then wrapped the Sole Survivor in a bear hug, which was quickly reciprocated. “You’re a good man, kid. You follow that heart of yours, and you’ll never go wrong.” Nick said, his voice sounding choked with emotion. Several more seconds later, the two men broke their embrace. “Well, let’s get this show on the road. I’ve got other things to attend to.” Nick said with a smile after clearing his throat. Ruffling Erich’s hair with his right hand, the detective excused himself from the room.

Erich soon followed the detective, and was soon standing outside the home he and Nora had begun making their home before the Great War in the warm afternoon sun. He quickly followed the road down the cul-de-sac until he was standing in the clearing of a grove of trees near the bank of the river that ran along the outskirts of Sanctuary. Light filtered through the branches, giving the area a dappled look. A gazebo had been erected in the clearing, and a mishmash chair had been arranged around the structure. Codsworth, Erich’s faithful Mister Handy, was busy fussing and making sure everything was in order, a bowler hat perched atop his chassis.

“Are you ready for this?” A voice came from behind Erich. He turned to see Preston Garvey standing behind him. The Minuteman had washed and starched his uniform jacket and was wearing it over a nice pair of dress pants. Preston stood next to the Sole Survivor. “Don’t worry, man. You’re going to do great.”

“Garvey is right. You’ll do great, soldier.” Paladin Danse came up and stood on the other side. Surprisingly, he was out of his power armor and was dressed in a black suit and tie. Erich had to admit that both of his friends cleaned up really well.

“Well, then, we should get this celebration started!” Codsworth intoned from across the grove. “Guests are already beginning to arrive!” And indeed they were. John Hancock, the ghoul mayor of Goodneighbor walked into the grove, Cait on his arm. Hancock looked much the same, maybe a bit cleaner, but the three men were all mildly stunned at how well the former cage fighter had cleaned up. Her hair was tied back and was wearing a green dress. Other people were also filtering into the area. Sturges came into the area, pushing Mama Murphy in a wheelchair to a spot close to the gazebo. The handyman was wearing his standard attire, albeit with considerably fewer oil and grease stains. Curie had found a blue dress, and was sitting next to a man in a Minuteman uniform that Erich quickly realized was Deacon.  MacCready had even changed into a grubby, ill-fitting gray suit.

“Well… Let’s get this started.” Erich said, feeling the tension return. He and Preston stepped onto the gazebo, with Preston standing in the center. Erich stood to his left.

Once the guests were all seated, Preston began speaking. “Thank you for joining us today. We all know why we’re here, so I won’t stand up here and talk your ears off.” There was a ripple of laughter from the crowd. As soon as the laughter died down, there was a cough from the edge of the grove. Preston gestured to the source of the cough, and heads swiveled towards the edge of the grove, including Erich’s.

There was a gasp from the crowd, including one from Erich. Nick Valentine was standing at the edge of the grove, Piper Wright on his right arm. She was wearing a very simple white, long-sleeved dress that reached to the floor of the grove. Her hair was done in a French braid, and a veil hung to her lower back. She held a bouquet of various rad-flowers in her left hand. But the thing Erich found most beautiful was the radiant smile on the reporter’s face.

As Nick and Piper began walking towards the gazebo, the guests to the wedding stood up, murmurs of wonder passing between them. Finally, Nick and Piper stepped on to the platform. Piper handed the bouquet to Nick, who in turn handed it to Codsworth. Piper reached out and took both of Erich’s hands after brushing some lint off of the lapel of his army fatigues.

“Hey, Blue.” She said softly, her eyes bright. “Come here often?” Erich chuckled, words failing him.

Preston cleared his throat and began talking once the crowd had sat back down. “Gathered friends and colleagues, we’re gathered here today for a very special occasion. We have come here to witness the union of two individuals who have found each other across the centuries. We are here to bear witness to the marriage of Piper Wright and Captain Erich Richardson.” Light applause came from the guests.

Preston continued. “Both parties here have written their own vows, and will share them now.” Preston took a small step back, and gestured to Erich. Erich briefly let go of Piper’s hands and opened the right breast pocket of his fatigues and withdrew a notecard.

“Piper,” he began, reading from the notecard. “When I crawled out of Vault 111 and stumbled into Diamond City, I had lost everything. My world, my family, my life. I’ve been out here in the Commonwealth for a while, and I’ve found everything I lost in the vault. The world I knew before will never come back, but I found someone who understands that my world is vastly different from what it was but helps me keep a hope for this new world. I haven’t found my son, but I’ve found family here in the Commonwealth in my friends who have helped me in that search. My life ended on the day the bombs fell, and somehow ended again when Nora was killed and Shaun was taken. I thought that there was nothing to live for except to find my son. But now I’ve found someone to live for. Piper Wright, I promise to hold you and to cherish you for the rest of the time I have left on this planet.” Finishing up, Erich replaced the card in his breast pocket. He looked up to see tears beginning to form in Piper’s eyes.

“Oh Blue.” she said, her voice choked with emotion. She swallowed, composing herself, then reached over and opened the left breast pocket of Erich’s fatigues, withdrawing another notecard. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to follow that,” she stated, and there was a ripple of laughter. Exhaling, she began reading from her card.

“Erich, I would describe you as a whirlwind. Traveling with you and getting to know and eventually falling in love with you has been nothing short of a force of nature. I’ve seen every facet of you; your courage, your kindness, your honor, and your wit. You have been by my side, pushing me to be a better person, and a rock when I’ve felt like I’m lost. We have had so many amazing things happen to us, good and bad, and I can’t wait for so many more as your wife. I know that by your side we can accomplish whatever we want. I know this sounds ridiculous, but you’ve made this reporter be at a loss for words, and I can’t wait to have that happen more for the rest of our lives.”

As she finished, Piper placed her card back in the pocket of Erich’s fatigues. Sniffles were heard from the crowd, and both lovers figured it was from people crying. Preston stepped forward again.

“That was beautiful.” he stated, his own voice choking with emotion. The Minuteman cleared his throat and laughed. “First, we have an exchange of rings. If the ring bearer could bring the rings forward?” There was a happy bark from the edge of the grove, causing everyone to turn towards the sound. Nat Wright was holding Dogmeat by his collar, which had a bowtie affixed to it. Nat released her grip on the dog’s collar, and the canine bent down and picked up a basket in his mouth before coming bounding towards the gazebo. Once on the gazebo, he trotted to the Minuteman before wheeling and sitting at Preston’s feet, facing the audience. There were coos of appreciation and laughs from the audience at the dog’s antics.

“There we go!” Preston laughed again. “If you two would take the rings, we can complete the ring exchange.” Piper and Erich both crouched down, laughing at the dog. Retrieving the ring, both stood up, not breaking eye contact.

“Now, Erich, If you’ll take Piper’s left hand and place her ring on her ring finger…” Preston instructed, and Erich followed the directions. “Now repeat after me; Piper Wright, with this ring, I wed thee, and take thee to be my wife, ‘til death do us part.” Erich did as instructed. Once he was done, Preston turned to Piper.

“Piper, if you’ll take Erich’s left hand and place his ring on his ring finger…” Once this was done, Preston continued. “Now repeat after me; Erich Richardson, with this ring, I wed thee, and take thee to be my husband, ‘til death do us part.” Piper parroted what Preston had instructed her to say.

“Erich and Piper, I now pronounce you husband and wife!” Preston said, his voice cracking with emotion. Turning to Erich, he stated simply “Kiss your bride!” 

Erich did. And in that moment, with Nora’s ring on Piper’s finger, every stress melted away, leaving the newly minted Richardsons on cloud nine.

[songsofacagedbird]

you’re something out of a dream

a love letter to luxor’s balo driskell

While I think tissues are needed at this point for all three of these playlists, can I just say with Balo’s I think they’re especially needed? Maybe I’m just extra soft for Balo in general but hers personally made me the most emotional, she definitely went hard with this one. Anyway, it covers the entire Luxor timeline for her just about, major plot points and stuff, but a bit less so the reveal of her main secret that occurred during graduation honestly - as this playlist was made before that and given it took me ages to perfect the end, I’m just going to leave it be. 

Again, there’s references to other muses / plot points littered throughout, as well as references to eating disorders and a couple nicer things like her love for art. I’d also like to thank Lex for her help during these playlists, from the idea itself to helping me test listen yet again, this is going to be a pattern in these descriptions and I’m sorry for anyone who like “Katie stfu” already but genuinely it’s really thanks to her that these even exist and honestly they’re actually some of the playlists I am most proud of to date.

Please keep in mind that the standard Balo triggers apply (mental health, eating disorders, abuse / child abuse). Any additional tws will be noted on their sections if they apply.

in dreams you will lose your heartaches. whatever you wish for, you keep | pre-luxor (aka pre-rp):

balo before luxor, navigating her life

Song of the Caged Bird (Lindsey Stirling) [ instrumental ] // Castle On A Cloud (Isabelle Allen) [ I know a place where no ones lost. I know a place where no one cries. Crying at all is not allowed, not in my castle on a cloud. ] // Paint the Pictures (of Verona) [ I paint the picture of the oceans I'll never see. I hold a candle through the darkness so I believe. ] // almost home (mxmtoon) [ No one ever says all the love you give might not be enough. Broke my heart in two a couple times before it hurt too much. ] // A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes (Lily James) [ Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing the dream that you wish will come true. ]

does it hurt to see how our smiles have changed, my friend? | summer & fall 2019:

the period of time I was playing Balo in Luxor originally, from June 2019 right up until her intervention in October

Friends In The Corner (Foxes) [ Do you need someone? Everybody's looking like they need someone. All of my friends in the corner, everybody's looking like they need someone. Pretending we don't fear the morning. ] // Scars To Your Beautiful (Alessia Cara) [ She says, “beauty is pain and there's beauty in everything. What's a little bit of hunger? I could go a little while longer,” she fades away. ] // Never Gonna Let You Down (Colbie Caillat) [ I'm never gonna let you down, I'm always gonna build you up. When you're feeling lost, I will always find you, love. ] // Running with the Wolves (AURORA) [ There's blood on your lies, the scars open wide. There is nowhere for you to hide, the hunter's moon is shinin'. ] // She Is the Sunlight (Trading Yesterday) [ And it will take this life of regret for my heart to learn to forget. Tomorrow will be as it always has been, and I will fall to her again. ]

you keep trying to get inside my head while i keep trying to lose the words you said | winter 2019 & early Spring 2020:

Balo’s hospitalization, and the time at home following it.

All the King's Horses (Karmina) [ Is it still a home when you're all alone? All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put me back together again. ] // Safe (Britt Nicole) [ Oh no, my walls are gonna break. So close, it's more than I can take. I'm so tired of turning and running away. ] // Lost Boy (Ruth B.) [ There was a time when I was alone, no where to go and no place to call home. My only friend was the man in the moon, and even sometimes he would go away too. ] // Keep Your Head Up (Ben Howard) [ 'Cause I'll always remember you the same, eyes like wild flowers with your demons of change. ] // Wake Me Up (Madilyn Bailey) [ They tell me I'm too young to understand. They say I'm caught up in a dream. My life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes, well that's fine by me. ] // Dance (Foxes) [ I want you, got no shame. This therapy's gone to waste; when the midnight hour comes in vain, you're in my head, you say my name. ]

what the fuck are perfect places anyway? | spring 2020:

Balo’s return to Luxor, leading up to her breakdown at prom additional tws: drugs and alcohol (perfect places)

Good Day for Dreaming (Ruelle) [ There's a hope, there's a spark, there's a fire. There's a light in the dark burning brighter. It's a good day for dreaming. ] // Perfect Places (Lorde) [ All of our heroes fading, now I can't stand to be alone. Let's go to perfect places! ] // prom dress (mxmtoon) [ I'm sitting here, crying in my prom dress. I'd be the prom queen if crying was a contest. Makeup is running down, feelings are all around. How did I get here? I need to know... ]

i would sell my sorry soul if i could have it all | summer 2020:

summer camp adventures, and the starts of questioning who she is

Live Life (Zayde Wølf) [ Sometimes I think that I'm the dreamer, the one that's standing all alone. Sometimes it feels like it's forever since I've truly felt at home. ] // Celeste (Ezra Vine) [ You're something out of a dream, messing with my head and I've been looking for you. Are you hiding? ] // The State of Dreaming (MARINA) [ If only you knew my dear, how I live my life in fear. ] // If Only (Dove Cameron) [ If only I knew what my heart was telling me. Don't know what I'm feeling; is this just a dream? If only I could read the signs in front of me, I could find the way to who I'm meant to be. ]

my heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with | fall & winter 2020:

balo’s disownment, her breakup with kitty, and coming to terms with them

raindrops {an angel cried} (Ariana Grande) [ The day you left me, an angel cried. ] // Because of You (Kelly Clarkson) [ I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me. You never thought of anyone else, you just saw your pain, and now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing. ] // human (Christina Perri) [ Your words in my head, knives in my heart, you build me up and then I fall apart 'cause I'm only human. ] // Illusion (Zedd feat. Echosmith) [ It feels like the fairytale is over. I really wanted these pages to begin with once upon a time like all those lullabies. I should've known better. ] // Cry (Kelly Clarkson) [ Is this as hard as it gets? Is this what it feels like to really cry? ] // drivers license (Olivia Rodrigo) [ Sidewalks we crossed. I still hear your voice in the traffic, we're laughing over all the noise. God, I'm so blue, know we're through, but I still fuckin' love you. ] // Until The Sun Comes Up (Gabrielle Aplin) [ Do you want to get lost? Go waste our time, lose this city skyline. Be so much better if you're by my side, find myself and lose my mind; think I need a moment to re-align. ] // Part Of Me (Katy Perry) [ Throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows but you're not gonna break my soul. ] // Love Not Loving You (Foxes) [ You were always giving me all of your insecurities. How could you do it? You knew what you were doing to me. ] // no tears left to cry (Ariana Grande) [ Right now, I'm in a state of mind I wanna be in like all the time, ain't got no tears left to cry. ]

you forgive, you forget, but you never let it go | spring 2021:

her classmates choice in the gym, and it’s aftermath additional tws: drowning (When the Storm is Over)

Bad Blood (Taylor Swift feat. Kendrick Lamar) [ Remember when you thought I'd take a loss? Don't you remember? You thought that I would need ya, follow procedure, remember? Oh, wait, you got amnesia. ] // Talking to Ghosts (Foxes) [ And I can be your guiding light if you just let me, but I can’t be your guiding light if you have left me. ] // When The Storm Is Over (Sofia Karlberg) [ But when it comes down something in the air says we're 'bout to drown. Baby, we wеren't meant for closure, tеll me when the storm is over. ] // Try (Colbie Caillat) [ You don't have to try so hard, you don't have to give it all away. You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up, you don't have to change a single thing ] // Still Have Me (Demi Lovato) [ So take my faith but 'least I still believe (I still believe, in me), and that's all I need. I don't have much but 'least I still have me. ]

and i don't really care if nobody else believes ‘cause i've still got a lot of fight left in me | early summer 2021:

the story of therapy, the start of recovery, learning to love oneself, and a little bit of romance.

Daisies - Acoustic (Katy Perry) [ They told me I was out there, tried to knock me down. Took those sticks and stones, showed 'em I could build a house. They tell me that I'm crazy, but I'll never let 'em change me 'til they cover me in daisies. ] // Home (Gabrielle Aplin) [ I'm a phoenix in the water, a fish that's learnt to fly. And I've always been a daughter but feathers are meant for the sky. ] // Change (Taylor Swift) [ ’Cause these things will change, can you feel it now? These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down. ] // Dear Happy (Gabrielle Aplin) [ Don't you worry, oh no, don't be alarmed. I'm just working it out here, working it out here. I'm somebody with a recovering heart, you've waited there for me, keep waiting there for me. ] // Fight Song (Rachel Platten) [ And all those things I didn't say, wrecking balls inside my brain. I will scream them loud tonight, can you hear my voice this time? ] // Catch My Breath (Kelly Clarkson) [ Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show. Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right. ] // Wildflowers (Elle Fanning) [ Wildflowers you brought me are crumbled in my hands. This love that you taught me, I still don't understand. ] // Begin Again (Taylor Swift) [ And for the first time, what's past is past. 'Cause you throw your head back laughing like a little kid, I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did. ] // Let's Sort The Whole Thing Out (Carly Rae Jepsen) [ I love you, this is a new thing. One more drink, let's get to the bottom of it. I love you, let's sort the whole thing out. ] // Youth (Foxes) [ And as we cross the line, these fading beats have all been severed. Don't tell me our youth is running out, it's only just begun. ] // Soft to Be Strong (MARINA) [ I took my bitterness and made it sweet, I took a broken heart and made it beat. ] // Way Less Sad (AJR) [ Don't you love it? Don't you lovе it? No, I ain't happy yet, but I'm way less sad. ]

[ahiddenpath]

Life Talk

1.)  I won Nanowrimo

2.)  My house is sold

3.)  I’m tryyyyyyying to taking it easy

More below the cut.

So, I won Nanowrimo.  It’s roughly 30K Four Years and 20K Tri: Integrity Lens.  I feel very... blank about it, though.  In the last few years, I’ve been trying to celebrate when I win Nanowrimo, but...  I don’t have any emotions about it this year, probably even less than usual.

I should probably back up and say that, when I was growing up, I was the type that got all As, won every contest, was the lead in plays and singing events, got the good behavior awards, won state-wide science and poetry contests, was on the select sports teams.  I’m not saying this to brag- I was hyper-involved in school and extracurriculars because it kept me away from home.  

It got to the point at home where, if I won an award, the reaction was, “good.”  If I didn’t, it was, “Why didn’t you win that award?  We don’t have money for tutoring, so you had better figure it out *vague threat* ”  Stuff like that.

Basically, it’s hard for me to feel proud of anything.  If I succeed, that’s “baseline.”  Good, I won’t be scolded.  If I don’t, that’s anxiety- “I will be scolded, I will be punished.”  

I can’t change that concept as an adult- it was cemented into me during my formative years.  But I can see it, and I can tell myself- it’s okay.  Don’t beat yourself up over not feeling a certain way.

The big thing on my mind now, still, is that we sold our first home successfully a few days ago.  It’s the most enormous load off my mind.  This whole time, I’ve been wondering- I keep pinning everything on when the house is sold.  Will it actually be a relief?  Will it actually free up emotional and mental real estate?

SPOILER ALERT: IT DID, I FEEL GREAT!  

I told my therapist that I couldn’t feel “at home” and “settled” until I sold the old house, and she challenged me to not wait for some kind of...  Permission?  Catalyst?  Like, don’t put things off citing “my old home isn’t sold” as a reason, because suddenly, a year will have passed and you still haven’t painted your room or put up photos or turned the house into your home.

I absolutely see her point, but I also see mine.  Frankly, now that I’m not paying for two mortgages, I can afford to do some of that stuff (buy paint and supplies, buy a rug, buy a lamp, etc).  It is true that I could have hung my photos at any time, so that was just a mental/stress block, but I do think that pointing to the money that was tied up in paying the mortgages for both homes, and for repairing things at the old home at the buyer’s demand, was... you know, a valid reason not to be throwing money at our current home.

Right now, my anxiety is free to be directed at the fact that the CDC is forecasting such drastic pandemic leaps.  It’s expected to hit in about 10-ish days after today, 11/29, a Sunday that will likely be the largest single day for travel as people head back home in droves to make it to work on Monday after going away for Thanksgiving.  It’s expected that we’ll be seeing 4,000 covid deaths per day in the states around week 2/3 of December.

I really don’t want to go to work physically, because I know coworkers who travelled.  I wish we could all stay home for two weeks, when the symptoms will show for carriers who are not asymptomatic.  I will definitely be limiting my time in the office to after 3 PM, when a lot of coworkers have gone home.  It’s still a risk that I’m not sure is worthwhile.  

Ah!  I should probably say that my therapist is talking about ending therapy.  I started in... I wanna say March or April of 2019?  Is that right?  So I guess it’s been...  Like, 19-ish months?  I’ve learned so much, but I would say...  The biggest difference is that I can see my behavior patterns for what they are, and then decide what to do with them.  I haven’t “changed” at my core.  I can’t, not in the way people mean when they say “you’ve changed.”  The same learned behaviors, belief systems, and emotions from my childhood are there.  I just recognize them when they pop up and can make informed decisions about how to approach them.  

Which, it turns out, makes a huge difference, even if it isn’t really “change.”  I’m always in danger of being too distraught to see what’s in front of my face, though (thanks, anxiety!).

What else...  My husband and I did cheese fondue and hot pot for Thanksgiving!  It was easily the best holiday I’ve ever had.  Holidays are always... so high pressure, always such events that turn a day off into a giant list of chores that might span weeks to complete beforehand.  Plus, I’m always hoping I’m not about to be dragged into some kind of “trap” conversation by both my family and my husband’s, who have very different political views compared to me.

But on Thanksgiving, my husband and I ate amazing food, spent a lot of time together, and I felt so loved and cared for and valued, because my husband came up with the idea and made it happen, all so we’d have a nice holiday together.  Honestly, I don’t deserve him.  I don’t get it.  He’s so amazing?  I love him so much.

As for my writing, I’ve been feeling...  Bad about it, frankly.  I think it’s partially because it honestly looks like no one is reading Tri: Integrity Lens.  I don’t get it?  It was my most requested story in 2018/2019, and I know people wanted a sequel to Growing Up with You, so why is TIL doing so poorly?  At first, I thought people were going back to read GUWY again first, since I saw a huge surge in hits for it.  Now, I’m not sure?  Like, if I open my stats, some random GUWY chapters will have over 10 times the hits as the newest TIL chapter???  ???? ????  ????  ?????

I’m wondering if it has to do with Tri itself...  I think that, the more time passed, the more people who liked Tri are maybe defensive about how... negative the fandom reaction was, overall.  Meanwhile, people who dislike it, I think, have maybe simply... chucked it out the window, and don’t think about it much.  Whereas, when it was still coming out and directly after it wrapped up, I think people who disliked Tri were more interested in imagining ways they might have personally tweaked it.

That makes things awkward for someone like me, who thinks Tri has amazing moments basically... tacked onto a crumbling base.  

Actually, let me give you my weird metaphor for Tri!

When I am deciding if I’m going to write a new fic, often what happens is...  A few powerful ideas coalesce, a few themes and characterizations.  Some people say they are lead by a few powerful scenes.  I think of these ideas/themes/character ideas (or scenes for other people) as sparkling ornaments on a Christmas tree.

The problem is that...  Ornaments in a box don’t... do much.  You need to display them on a tree, right?  The ornaments need to be connected and supported by a plot (unless you decide to write a focused oneshot, which is my recommendation in most cases).

In short: Tri has amazing ornaments, but the tree is... not... doing that well.  The ideas are there, there are plenty of awesome moments, but something about the actual story/execution just...  Didn’t do it for me.  But dang, those are some nice ornaments!

That was quick and dirty, but hopefully it conveyed the general idea.  

ANYWAY, I’ve been trying to decide if I’m going to continue TIL.  I think right now, I would definitely finish Ketsui, since I have so much material written already.  Why waste it, right?  But I’m not sure what the future of the story will be- not plot wise, but rather, “is my time better spent elsewhere”-wise.

I’m not sure if I need to focus on a new story, if I should take a break, or what.  I need to write for my mental health, but it doesn’t have to be a fanfic.  It can be anything, as long as I explore whatever is eating at me.

And that is where I am!  I hope you’re all staying safe <3