#up at 4am for an insomnia snack and hopefully going back to sleep soon

[soundlessdragon]

The last few weeks of being pregnant with baby girl are here. They are probably going to schedule me for a C-section because natural labor will be too hard on her with her growth restriction and heart issues. Advice welcome

[k1llyours3lf-blog1]

18/03/2017

Saturday March 18th. Woke up at 3:30pm. Ate cornflakes with sugar and milk for breakfast. After exercise I will drink a glass of water, have a shower at 7pm and try out eye make up and hair styles.

Exercises:

100 Squats

90 Lunges

70 Sumo Squats

60 Calf Raises

50 Glute Bridge Raises

100 Squeeze Arms

100 Crunches

100 Cross Over Crunches

(Try side lying leg raises and planks next time too).

*Listened to What You Know - Two Door Cinema Club and No Tomorrow - Orson*

I have some interviews next week to hopefully get myself back into a full time job. I’m hoping that will help my sleeping pattern as at the moment I fall asleep around 4am or 5am and wake in the late afternoon; it’s winter so I don’t mind missing the days so much, but even though I’m getting enough sleep I don’t wake up feeling energised at all, I feel very flat which I don’t like, however a good thing about it I suppose is that I don’t have much of an appetite.

I have very little money at the moment, meaning I often can’t afford to eat which is both a good and bad thing. It’s bad because sometimes I get so hungry that I have to eat something which is often a snack of some sort as I don’t have ingredients for a proper meal, and these snacks are often higher in calories. Another reason I would like a full time job, is so that I could afford to buy proper food to make myself some meals so I could have more fruit around the place to snack on instead of bread or cereal which is really bad for losing weight obviously.

I would love to get the job so that I could get myself another car. My last car became too expensive to fix so I had to sell it. Having a car enables me to travel to the gym and to places like the New Forest to go on hikes and take beautiful pictures of the wildlife and scenery. Going on hikes to new places is great because I’m so interested and distracted by everything that I forget to eat and I’m burning calories. Often when I get home I’m so tired I just have a small meal and then go straight to sleep.

A full time job, I’m hoping anyway, would help my extreme insomnia. I’ve always struggled with sleeping, well for the past 5 years or so. Even as a baby though I didn’t sleep well apparently. But recently, as I said I have been unable to fall asleep until the morning, sometimes not until as late as 6am or 7am. My doctor prescribed me sleeping pills that he assured me would work...I might try them if I get offered a job.

I have travelling plans for the next year or so. I really want to go to America in hopes of seeing the Northern Lights and I’d love to visit the Red Woods in California. I would also love to visit Australia and Amsterdam so I would like to be able to save for these and I hope that they will help distract me from spending my money on food or other stupid things.

In the end I would like to be able to drive to work in the mornings, go to the gym after in the afternoons/evenings, come home and have a nice dinner and then sleep at a normal time.

I use Pinterest to help me find exercise routines and have a board on there for them. I also like to spend my spare time reading, drawing or trying out eye make up and hair tutorials. I would like to re-dye my hair at some point soon, as I think that making yourself look good helps massively with self esteem.

I have a boyfriend that I live with at the moment, we have been living together for around 7 months now and we are hoping to get a place of our own very soon. He’s very blunt and honest which I love about him, even though at times it can be hurtful. He inspires me to look my best because honestly he will point this out if I don’t, when he does this I let him know that I don’t like it and it can be hurtful, I think sometimes he forgets himself and doesn’t think properly and he will sometimes apologise. That is unless he thinks he is right, for as long as he thinks that he is right he will not apologise. I admire this about him, I don’t feel that he is this way to come across as a certain character I just believe it to be him. I really thought about it one day, when he pointed a bunch of things out and I went off in a bit of a mood. Probably because I’d tried to look nice and he’d still pointed something out. I honestly started to think whether or not being with an honest person was so great after all. It was what had attracted me to him in the first place, he said what he meant and he said the same thing to everyone, it didn’t always make him the most popular and like I said, sometimes it was taken as hurtful, but at least it was true. I think that it is sometimes annoying when you don’t ask for an honest opinion, you don’t ask for an opinion at all, and you get one anyway, but I think that’s just part of some people. I guess everyone does it from time to time and they just don’t think before they say. Having said all of that, when I was thinking about whether it was such a great thing to be with such an honest person, I decided that yes it was, it totally was. I had been with someone before that would rarely if ever say a hurtful thing about my appearance but then he was rude in other ways and cheated on me after 3 years...I thought that I would have some trust issues when it came to my next relationship, but I don’t, I honestly don’t. Being with such an honest person can be hurtful at times, and no I don’t always trust the people that they are around, but I can say with 100% certainty that I trust this person implicitly. I believe that they would feel too bad to cheat on me, that they could never bring themselves to do it. If they thought they had a problem with our relationship they would just open up and talk about it. Yes he’s blunt sometimes even a bit rude, but he’s not deceptive or untrustworthy in any way. He has strong morals that I believe he will always stick by and for that reason I trust him. And yes I would much rather be with a person who’s a bit rude through honesty at times than be with someone who lies to my face to make me happy and then cheats behind my back...Plus when you get a compliment you know it’s true and it means so much more...It has also taught me to stand up for myself, just because someones being honest doesn’t always mean it’s true...An opinion, even an honest one is not necessarily right and if you disagree with it that’s okay. It’s taught me that I don’t need anyones validation to feel good. He has an occasional job, but struggles with motivation to find a real one. I have offered my help and it will always be there, however I won’t offer more than that and I won’t push him into it, he knows how to get one if he wants one there’s no point in forcing anyone to do anything. I do worry though that without one we will become a bit stuck. We’re at that weird age, we’re almost 20 and things start to matter and you have to start moving forward whether you want to or not, I don’t want to go forward without him if I can help it. He writes songs and struggles with sleep too. He likes indie movies and comedy shows, he comes across as dark although once you know him the way I do I think in truth he’s just a bit lost, because he’s funny and kind and quirky in all the best ways and sometimes a little bit sad and distant on some days but that’s just who he is. Some days we do constantly silly things and make each other laugh and talk a lot, and some days we don’t talk very much at all and he’ll sleep in late and then just right songs. I used to think this meant something was wrong or he was angry, just like how other people think when they see him on one of these days, but in actual fact he’s just having a flat day, he knows he’s feeling flat obviously and to be honest if you want to have a day of not talking and being flat and just writing songs then so be it. I only worry that there is something wrong causing him to have days like this, but he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it which is fine. He’s not nasty on these days which is why I find it irritating when people think that he’s some snappy aggressive guy just because he’s acting moody, people get so easily confused when looking at emotions...I think it’s better to just leave him to get over it and be happy again in a day or two. He has great fashion sense, he likes blazers and shirts, he has black hair and black/blue eyes with a black beard. He is strong and I feel safe with him and he makes me happy.