#until forever falls apart
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thinking about hod.
hod in lobcorp is entirely shaped by her guilt because she has to be. it's how ayin made her. the sephirah were defined by their traumas and worst aspects to be forced to meltdown in the hell ayin created so he wouldn't be alone in it. he needed them far more than they needed him, as he himself admits.
she is molded by her guilt, it defines her, it consumes her and becomes all she is. every action she takes is to alleviate it, she needs to prove she is better than she knows she is from what she has done.
#i have feelirngs#it's often oversimplified to her just being a traitor#or her not having done anything wrong#but her existence in her life at lobcorp is so. much more than that to me#it doesn't matter if what she did was wrong or awful. what matters is that she is made to feel like she has to atone for it forever#she needs to become an idealized version of herself. she needs everyone to like her. she needs to never let anyone down again.#until she falls apart#hod lobcorp#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#project moon#library of ruina#lor#pekoe.txt#hod ruina#ruina
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almost forgot about this. made as soon as i finished reading day 48 and booted down my laptop . good god. not quite sure what happened with this. it was something to the effect of 'oh. god he really loved didn't he.' in full force AGAIN. the parts of banging on the door, doors in general, just carmen as a whole other thing, the yelling, the want to die to sink to be forgotten. yeah. that was a trip. carmen... i know you meant well with your words but he took it LITERALLY......
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#lobotomy corp spoilers#ayin lobcorp#I WAS. SO UPSET WHEN I WAS MAKING THIS is so sketchy and a mess but i wasnt able to clean it up because of just how upset i was#actual physical emotional pain in my body. couldnt. croid. LMAOO yeah#god just thinking back on it again..#he was the one to find her. her in the water. in the bath. in her own blood (?)#banged and yelled and called out her name knowing it was pointless#not wanting to open that door because he knew what was on the other side#yet yanking like a madman on the handle to try and force it open#calling out her name and the only audible response being the running water#desperation fear hurt hurt open the door god open the door please have it shut i dont want to see whats on the other side#and it opened. it opened. her eyes wont open again though. they wont#he was alone when doing this to righr??? right???? just him at a door probably forcing himself against it until his body aches until the#door opens. would his knuckles have burned? would his arms have ached? his throat started to feel as if it were falling apart?#for a man who was one to be stated of few words#to now yell at the door wanting so desperately for it to open yet stay forever shut to be blind to the result#it mustve. it mustve burned.#how long was it? how long did it feel like it was?#anyways yeah. uhm. haha..#I WANT TO MAKE A WHOLE POST JUST BEING A not quite analysis i dont think anything like this could be called analysis ON ALL THE As#aughhhhfhh i fell in love with him sorry. i really really like him. and. everyone else too. man i just love lobcorp
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I don't wanna talk
About things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play
The winner takes it all
The loser's standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny
I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules
The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain?
But tell me, does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say?
Rules must be obeyed
The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all
I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
And the loser has to fall
Throw the dice, cold as ice
Way down here, someone dear
Takes it all, has to fall
And it's plain, why complain?
@wiinestories
@xgoldxnhour
#music musing#I know this song is super cliche but tell me you can’t see Rick dancing like a dork to this until he kisses her#Rick x Elena#shipping aesthetic#I’m listening to this constantly and I think I finally lost my mind#turn the she into he or look at it as if Elena would ask that#but tell me this song doesn’t fit their story I’m sorry#Rick x eloise || til forever falls apart#and girl this also fits our police babes#and also eloise would ask that line about Lori and we know it
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saw someone say that jason and bruce are destined to lose each other in every universe so now I’m logging out of everything forever pouring bleach into my eyes and jumping off a fucking cliff
#like yes i know but like thinking that they’re destined to always fall apart#that even tho jason would’ve been the one robin where he would’ve stayed robin forever until he physically couldn’t#that jason wouldn’t be robin#that he was never going to stay robin#that in every universe it’s fate for him to fall apart for him and bruce to fall apart#god I’m going to jump off a cliff#why the fuck why the fuck god fuck you#jason todd#robin jason todd#red hood#bruce wayne#batman#the batfam!!!!#laz.exe
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😺
#i haven't addressed yoongi's situation yet because i'm honestly still not hit by it i guess. like it didnt gwt to me yet#i dont think ill ever love anyone the same as i love him you know what i mean#he has been the first reason of my self development. like he literally raised me??? i learned from him how to be the person i am today#and its like im saying goodbye to a family member. the thing is i have never griefed anyone's absence like this#its like a part of my soul will be missing until he comes back#but at the same time i know what he would want for me. to move on and to become my own reason#he would want me to be kind to myself. to focus on myself and not miss him that much.#he would want that for all of us right#but i have a very hard time processing things. do you guys remeber the festa last year? when we found out theyll be going on hiatus#the reality of it snd the fact that it will be happening hit me onky after around 3 months.#thats when i first cried because i realized what it meant. ofc i knew but it didnt occur to the emotional part of my brain at that time#and i feel like im truly gonna fall apart when THIS hits me in 3 months lol#my life has never been worse and thats honestly the time when i need the reassurance the most#when i need the people i love and find comfort in the most.#but its just me and thats technically just my problem. but since i am talking about my view on this then thats okay i guess hahah anyway#i just hope he knows there are milions of ppl who love him as much as i do. and thats like extra love like forever & beyond type of shit#i honestly dont think other people ever truly fully understand how we feel towards them. especially when you really love somebody#because they have their own opinions about themselves. they debate whether they deserve some kind of treatment or not. we all do that right#and i just know he does that too. i just reslly want him to feel completely loved and cherished and appreciated.#i want him to see himself through our eyes. to surround himself with people who see him exactly the way we do.#to fall in love with somebody who will see him like we see him#nobody deserves better life than this man. and i hope that after our reunion he will live that life to the fullest 💓 i can't wait to see it#anyway. if somebody needs to talk about it or wants to get sadness out of your system - im here 💓#please keep your heads up and lets wait for him 💓#we have esch other and we will be okay 💓#sorry for typos i can barely see its 1am 🤓
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Day three of holding everyone’s laundry hostage until my father takes a shower.
The last of my father’s beloved white socks have fallen to the filth. There is little hope, and even less in terms of rest. The battle is ongoing, and it feels often that I am fighting alone. Morale is low; my ally in this conflict, mother, is injured. I long for the days when I can rest. When this war will cease, and all will be clean again. The dishes done, the people bathed, the laundry washed and folded. Alas. We know the struggle will never end.
I am Sisyphus, and my father’s horrid stench and apathy are forever my boulder.
My father is a war profiteer, and I am a hapless young recruit greeting a doomed mission.
Last shower date: December 25th, 2023
#collective tag#it spoke#i’m venting#but like… only half serious#god I am so so so so tired.#I’m so pissed man#at just. everything#this house is falling apart around me and It’s like I can’t do anything#I have begged and begged and begged this fucking man to take a goddamn shower.#I cry about this#because he just doesn’t fucking care#I CANT DO EVERYTHING!!!!!#NOT FOREVER#huge ass ants everywhere? sure. fuck it. why not#piles and piles of laundry? okay. I can do that.#not paying the mortgage until our shit gets shut down and mom and I yell at you?#cooking halfassed meals that are only barely tolerable to you and inedible to everyone else#and then complaining when we don’t eat them despite how much we’ve all told you?#and leaving the whole kitchen to rot?#PISSING YOURSELF REPEATEDLY AND NOT CHANGING YOUR PANTS BECAUSE YOU DONT FEEL LIKE IT AND NEVER SHOWERING FOR MONTHS ON END?#I’m just… words cannot describe how tired I am right now.#mom has a broken foot too so I also have to take care of her even more than normal#how did baby me handle this all the time on top of school?#‘yeah sure i can take care of two fucked up angry disabled adults on top of my crippling childhood trauma and schoolwork!’#—>#‘I swear to fucking god I will telepathically make my heart stop beating by sheer force of fucking will if I hear you call for me again’#deepest apologies to any poor soul that reads this#i really just needed to cry and scream and cry harder again until I throw up#and maybe a hug
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I wish I could sink into his arms and melt into his presence, I’ve had the most emotionally exhausting day of my life and I need kisses and cuddles or else I’ll die
#r: sickle#I wanna be snuggled by a boney man#I want to be poked by bones#I want those types of long arms that could practically wrap around you twice#I start thinking about my lack of cuddles and i fall apart#r: from now until forever
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riverdale finale HUGE win for archiecomic scholars presumably huge loss for riverdale fans I don't know. I don't care
#when you stop trying to understand CW riverdale as a tv show with plots and characters. and you start understanding it as#a vehicle for a 7 season metatextual struggle between cw riverdale and the archie comics ip.#that's when you'll come to know peace#first they tried to be a normal bad show but devolved into cartoonish antics#which is one thing but then the timeskip hit which is like ohhhhh no thats not something that you can successfully do with archie character#so the shows ostensible realism started falling apart worse and worse with superpowers and sabrina and rivervale until a WIZARD summoned a#COMET to literally destroy this version of the town because archie cant be about adults with marriages and children lmfao get good#and it reset the town to the 1950s. FOREVER. she cant send you back to 2023!#btw life with archie isnt a counterexample it supports my point they tried to age up the characters in the comics and it almost destroyed t#e multiverse and archie fucking died at the end#anyways the finale episode is everything. the characters grow up and die offscreen because thats not what archiecomics is about!#archies non betty non veronica wife doesnt even get a name shes a 1 sentence concept#none of that matters all that matters is they all died and went to purgatory and purgatory was an idyllic 17 year old high school life that#never ends#get it because. theyre not characters theyre concepts. tied to archie comics. and archie comics is purgatory that these concepts cant escap#to understand riverdales finale you have to read archie vs predator 2 okay? okay.#CW riverdale fans read archie vs predator 2. understand archie vs predator 2. then we'll talk#nothing thats ever happened in any archie property is canon but also all of it is its literally fine#except archie and reggie having sex this season. thats canon#post
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do we think geno ever listened to t.A.T.u and related maybe just a little bit too much and then put those feelings in a box forever
#and by forever i mean until he reached middle age slowing down marriage falling apart and had too much time to think about it.....#sorry im projecting as a coping mechanism today
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do u ever think abt how 3houses/hopes position dimitri’s relationships w his friends in relation to his relationship w the goddess & feel rlly rlly normal or is that just me
#head in hands……….#few3h#it’s about the thing he says to byleth ‘we lack the means to reach out and grasp it’ and then everybody continuously reaching out to him#again and again over and over forever#ESPECIALLY in the king awakens cutscene. felix & dedue reaching out & dedue being the one to physically take dimitri’s hand#it’s like yeah faerghus worships an absent goddess and you’re SUPPOSED to believe in her and trust her and be good for her etc#and dimitri just can’t do it until it’s for his friends#and the scene in the rain after gronder in houses too obv#obviously it’s more blatant too considering the byleth sothis situation but ykwim it’s not sothis doing the reaching out there#like#we can talk abt glory and honour etc all we want but is that a truer motivator than the ppl u love???#for dimitri it isn’t bc he disagrees w all that honour anyway esp after duscur where he saw it fall apart w Glenn’s death (ingie support)#honour and glory are what get his friends killled for him but if he resolves to make the world a better place FOR them#that’s much easier to stomach#(and. the church being intertwined w the knighthood honour thing etc.) lol#idk if this makes sense im having SO MANY issues rendering a film in maya rn lol im slamming my head thru the wall#feposting#fe3h#deertalking#im being very brave not derailing my initial point to just talk abt dmlx here i hope u know that#i love him so much. mimi relationship w faith b like ‘true personal connection is inherently as impossible as seeing the goddess herself’#(teacher proceeds to become the goddess 2 prove him wrong)#im gonna come back and talk abt this before bc its my fav dimitri topic my brain just isn’t working rn o7
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@limpfisted / let me tell you what i really think of you
" THE BLADE OF AVERNUS! " a roaring cheer and testament to who he is and how proud of him she is. Her fist pounds heavy on her chest, smile brimming wide as she looks upon her friend with said pride. " The bravest and most selfless man I know. Sometimes you make me wonder how much a person can sacrifice themselves before they're nothing but other people's wants. "
" And that makes me sad. Because you deserve a life that's yours, especially after everything you have done for so many people. Not just me. You are the Blade of Frontiers and you are the Blade of Avernus. But you're also Wyll. Not Wyll Ravengard. Just Wyll. I don't think anyone really thinks of how heavy everything weighs on you. Even your name. "
" But I do. I think about it a lot. Because you're my best friend and your happiness is my happiness. Just like you would do anything for me ... I would do anything for you, even if that means reminding you that you're loved and you deserve to be happy a million times a day. I can't think of a life without you in it and I can barely remember how I functioned without you. I never would have guessed the man that chased me through Avernus and onto a mind flayer ship would be the other half of my soul. "
Her smile is beaming, as bright as her eyes as she speaks of Wyll, that previous grief for what his life could have been now dissipating. " You remind me of the stories my mum would tell me at night. Ferocious heroes that would do anything to stop the evil that threatened their home and their friends. To see it in real life ... to be able to be a hero beside you. Fucking Hells, it's better than anything I could have dreamed of. "
" You're stuck with me for the rest of your life and maybe even well after that if I get a say, I hope you know. Our souls are bonded right at the hip. My heart is yours. "
#limpfisted#i will be here forever until forever falls apart. / wyll & karlach.#I CARE THEM.... I CARE THEM BAD.....
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youtube
listening to this cover of elastic heart and just...
#🌀 — dope sounds pumpin’ in a stereo. ❪ music. ❫#🌀 — i’m just living by my own feelings. ❪ musing. ❫#'you did not break me. i'm still fighting for peace.'#@ eggman @ eggman @ eggman @ eggman @ eggman @ eggm#another cover of this song has been on his playlist forever now but i stumbled across this one and its so GOOD#SO EMOTIONAL#YES#ironically enough#i think the rock cover of elastic heart can apply to sonic in general because its a bop and more triumphant#but this beautifully emotional rendition? this applies to fleethero 100000% because it sounds so much more tragic#'cause i've got thick skin and an elastic heart - but your blade it might be too sharp. i'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard.'#'yeah i might snap and i move fast.'#'but you won't see me fall apart...'#hahaha. yeah sonic. we wont see you fall apart. because you wont let yourself!#but fleety might :')
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sirius’s hello kitty boombox is practically its own character in this fic
#it’s both a reminder of his parents trying to force him into girlhood#and the only tangible piece of his childhood that’s a good memory#like it’s complicated but he will use that thing forever until it falls apart#and he will keep the pieces
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I dunno man, maybe I’m just sick and tired of realizing how royally fucked I am in every aspect of my life and how badly I need to turn things around without actually knowing how to, while also constantly doubting myself. Or maybe I just haven’t slept in a while. Who knows.
#vent#Delete later#i am not having a good one ahahaha#i have so many things that need to get done and zero clue how to go about any of it and i hate it so much#it’s just. I feel out of the loop of normal human life#like i missed everything girls my age are supposed to know#half my friends are graduating this year.#And I’m trying so so hard to be okay with all that and all the other things that are changing soon#But it’s hard. It#feels like i can’t do it. Like i am wasting my time.#Like I’ll just be swept along and drowned forever#i feel younger than I really am. Time just keeps marching forward and I can’t keep up any more#i’m so tired. I’m so tired and worried and bored all the time. And i just wait for it to get better and it’s just not happening.#I’m standing still while the world goes on. And I’m sick of it#i just want to fall apart and drown and cry until there’s nothing left in me#i want to live and i don’t know how. I just don’t know how or why.#And i know I’m whining about trivial things. I know i should own up and be a fucking adult who can step up and take responsibility#but I’m not sure how.#i just want to rest#fuck This is another emotional breakdown isn’t it. Fuck fuck fuck.
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— dynamics tags : new
#⁰²⁰ . i know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up / leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream : jake && bianca .#⁰³⁰ . kiss me until my lips fall off / until i start to rot / until kingdom come / forever : vivian && erik .#⁰³⁵. as I whisper in your ear / I wanna fucking tear you apart : savannah && rey .#⁰²⁴ . and the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up : madeleine && jim .#⁰²⁸ . i'll ruin it for you / i'll ruin it all over / and over like I always do : day && auggie .#⁰²⁸ . blood runs thicker than water / but both feel the same when your eyes are closed : day && benny .#⁰⁰¹ . I got nothing to say I ain't said before / I bled all I can I won't bleed no more : rose && tage .#tags#lmk if i missed anybody!
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well.
#concert was rly rly fucking good lets focus on that. dont want to ruin my memory of it#and the rest doesnt matter. ill break down tomorrow when everyones gone i cant do it right now its too late and we have a guest#just so tired. doesnt even matter its just me. and i have to be myself the rest of my life. im never getting out of this labyrinth#well at least if no one else has my back the national always will.. the right kind of concert to be at while dealing w my stupid shit#and i can listen to their music on loop forever and ever ill be fine#give me a couple days and ill have repressed it into oblivion again and i can go back to living my sham life where everythings okay#until i get reminded again and it unspools. and then ill just scoop it back up and zip it back inside. over and over yippee#but it doesnt matter as long as everyone else is happy and they can pretend i am too so they dont have to care#im being stupid and melodramatic dont even worry abt it my brain is just so fucking broken and im incapable of human connection its cool#at least i wont hurt anyone else just keeping it all in here it doesnt matter!!!!!! well it does to me. but i dont count so its okay#at least yeah concert was rly rly banging i hope they play here again some time in the future and im still around for it#and ill get to remember how good it was every time i listen to them :-) which is basically every day woooo#god. im gojng to go to sleep before i fall apart and start ugly crying#at least tomorrow off too n climbinggg. so much easier hanging out with strangers bc it doesnt matter if they dont want me there#nothing to lose and they cant hurt me bc i can only get hurt by ppl i care abt and i dont know them that well so its all cool#and im good at climbing n need to burn it out of my system. i can get by microdosing social connection for thr rest of my life i guess#feel so so so ashamed for even feeling like this its such a prison in my head i hate it i hate it its fine ok stopping for real goodnight.#sorry for ventposting i cant go hurt myself instead bc ppl over. so here we are again ahh..#ah ahhh yeah anyway goodnight#.vent
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