#unrelated: i tried a juice packet yesterday. the same green one. i think im allergic to it

[squirmydonnie]

TW: SH, denial?,

Sorry if anything is wrong or off here. I don't usually share like this. But I'm willing to fix any of it:

My mom turned to my dad and asked him if she should talk about it

And I was a little confused. But I already kind of knew what she was talking about.

She asked if any of the way that I've been feeling. Or the mistrust was because I'm bisexual.

So I had to start over and say yes. But that not even what I was trying to say when I said it.

My parents had told my brother things. They've told him i am naive, and am easily influenced. And i definitely can be.

It happens sometimes that I absorb what's around me a lot. Even if I don't end up doing an action. I'll do an in-action. So. It becomes in action instead. I haven't been doing much out of fear. Other than other bad stuff??..

But these are things they don't tell me. But do tell my brother which is weird

They had also told my brother that they assumed I was attracted to no one.

Which is fine.

But it does mean. That they have not been listening to me. And just decided what i am in there heads. Or something else like that

But when I first told my mom I was bisexual. I didn't. I was pretty naive at the time. Specifically with that. I didn't even know if my parents knew what bisexual was. It took me a very long time to tell my mom.

I followed her around and outside of the house. And then back on the couch. I only asked if she knew what bisexual was. And then she brought me upstairs and started talking to me for a long time.

I don't they understand. That it may hurt my feelings if I share my view on something, and then I am shut down. Even if it's done more lightly. It still hurts.

And when I told them I was transgender. It was the same things. Telling me that's not who I am.

In the conversation they explained further on their views. Which would have been helpful from the beginning. Instead of keeping this too themselves. I hate when they do that. And expect me to come to them. Because I am so bad at it. Its probably a bad excuse.

I've gotten better at coming to them. Especially last week. But it was still painful.

My dad told me we have wasted a lot of years. And we have.

I don't disagree with everything they say. But I don't feel that they understand that they things they say can sometimes hurt. Or hurt me badly.

And like they say, should use context clues.

We had been conversating since my dad came home.

Me and my mom had watched I movie and just came home about 4 minutes before.

We talked on the couch. I hurt myself and decided to go outside

I noticed it. But didn't tell them until we talked last in their room.

I went back inside.

Then my dad took me back outside so we could take a walk

It started to rain so we went back

Then we painted the door.

I was drawing something before that. I put some barbecue sauce on it and wiped it off. But it didn't look very good. So I used more wipes and added a powder juice packet.

It looks fine. I didn't need to add any of that stuff. But I guess you could say it was part of the process. I may have just been bored.

Or trying to snap myself out of whatever

I don't really know. But it was fun

I hadn't had much fun like that recently. So it was nice.

After painting the door. I can't really remember. I assume it doesnt matter.

I think I was just on my phone or computer.

I felt I had kind of ruined our last day together

I went to see my mom and told her I got hurt.

She took it seriously. Which was good. But I felt odd. I was smiling because I didn't want her to think about it. And just wanted her to see it as a mistake.

Because it kind of was.

I meant to do it but I didn't at the same time.

I feel that's hard to understand. But that's how it feels most of the time.

I do not know my identity

I'm not really trying to focus on it. Because that won't really help me.

I'm trying to look to be happy more.

Because I know my parents want that now.

But I wasn't fully sure of it before.

I couldn't stop thinking of what they wanted of me.

I assumed I would make sure I wouldn't be myself at all for a few years until I could get myself away.

I've been trying to know more about them without letting myself get attached to them anymore.

I don't think I was able to convey that to them.

I get very easily so ready to let myself be destroyed for someone else. Even if it may not even matter to them at all.

Even when someone tells me I've done something positive for them. It's not enough for me. I feel like it's all wrong. And I still don't matter

I'm not really fit to be trying to do the things I do. I know I've done some good things.

But I've also let myself be destroyed

Either by someone else or myself. I think because I've gotten used to it

I know its not okay.

But it will feel like. What's the point

This have to be my life

I have to be a punching bag basically

And stop trying

Hurting myself comes naturally now

I feel like it's someone else hitting me now

I barely address it as myself now

If it's someone else it's not as bad

I don't even have to care

A lot of times during a heated discussion with them I will end up hurting myself and they will just yell/tell me to stop it, but won't comfort me or anything. They won't ask me if I'm okay, then. They will just tell me to stop.

I wouldn't say I can just stop. It's like an immediate reaction now. If I could cut it out I would. Especially at this point.

Its becoming more embarrassing.

It sounds weird but I has always hoped that if anything happened it would just be big moments.

These small build ups really suck.

And its weird.

It's hard to face NBB after having a big break down. I've cried in front of her so much. And it feels like it's gotten worse.

I ended up hurting myself in front of a girl at school. And I was so lucky

Shes pretty nice. And has problems with it herself.

I had previously been intimidated by her. And assumed she saw me as stupid or incompetent like other people treat me in class.

But it's the exact opposite. And she actually saw me.

I have gotten incredibly lucky so much.

It's very easy for me to treat myself badly.

But I don't need to do that