#unrelated to that note (lying) if i wrote anything wrong you have permission to yell at me and kill me with hammers 🙏

[canonically-a-genloser]

it used to go question and then answer (when we were younger and it was easy)

title from hello world by the front bottoms

Hadlee flopped down on the couch.

She didn't know why she couldn't stay home. Something about being around her adopted family felt like bringing back the dead.

And hell knew she'd seen enough of that for a lifetime.

That was how she found herself in the old, crowded house again. At midnight, there usually were only around two or three people in the living room anyway- especially depending on who was controlling the TV remote.

A few of the newest actors Hadlee had only ever written files about were asleep facing the television.

Randy, though fully awake in the chair opposite her, hadn't commented on her return.

"Beau told ya, didn't she?" Hadlee finally found herself asking, desperate for any kind of distraction. Communication. A lot of things she couldn't name.

"I guessed you would be back anyway," he admitted in return. "There's easier things than Showfall that you don't come away from the same."

Hadlee's mouth felt dry as she pulled her knees to her chest. "I should've been able to go back, all I did was sit at a desk-"

"Yeah. And write out serial numbers for dead people. For five years."

"Processing antemortem records, technically. And filing autopsy reports."

"That just sounds worse," he argued his point, staring at her with an unreadable expression. If the topic hadn't been so serious, Hadlee would've laughed.

After pausing to think for a moment as though following the current conversation to every possible outcome, she shrugged to dismiss it entirely and laid down on the couch. "Your boss is great, by the way."

A scoff resounded in the room, though apparently Randy decided to humor her after a moment.

"I know."

Another pause added a short lull to the conversation.

"I met Maria a little bit ago, too." Hadlee stared at the ceiling, imagining shapes in the pattern. "Small world."

It took Randy a second to process the full extent of that implication. He nodded with a noncommittal shrug.

"Think they need a babysitter?"

The older leaned back, his gaze following Hadlee's own to the ceiling. "There's practically a waiting list ready to babysit that girl at Maria's beck and call. I would guess no."

"Mm. Bummer," Hadlee said. "Ava's an okay kid."

Randy knew that.

Randy could remember, too, when Charlie had been as small as Ava was now. Sometimes the little girl's voice would almost bring him back to the day he'd met the nearly red-haired kid in the makeshift movie set cabin.

Sometimes he heard five-year-old Charlie laugh when he listened to her.

Sometimes he wanted to go back. Always, he knew it wasn't right.

Shaking his head to clear it, he realized Hadlee had turned around to face him. There was no pity in her gaze- just understanding. Probably more than Randy wanted to think about.

Without a word, she plucked the television remote off the coffee table that was barely even a coffee table anymore. The screen flicked to some nature documentary, and Randy couldn't help but instinctually relax a bit.

Nature documentaries were one of the few things that didn't feel horrifying to watch. There was no acting. No effects that could have been real. Just a voice reading nature facts, the animals, and greenery the likes of which no one in Showfall had seen since their introduction to the mall.

He'd never entirely expected to be appreciative of the genre, but he wouldn't be one to turn down the distraction it offered.

"Thanks," Hadlee finally said, staring with a cloudy expression at the wall beside Randy. "For letting me stay and everything. Helps being around people who get it."

Randy nodded. "Still thinking about Paislie."

It wasn't a question.

Hadlee's head tipped forward, coming to rest on her knees as her shoulders began to shake.

"I could've saved him."

I could've saved him.

That was what Randy had said to the doctors the night Charlie and Sneeg literally tore each other apart.

I could've saved him.

Henrik, lying in a puddle of his own blood with countless scars that he'd thought would be gone the next day.

I could've saved him.

He still thought it every time he saw Maria.

Randy didn't have the heart to deny the thought to Hadlee. If he did, she'd probably deflect it back onto him anyway. That was most definitely on the list of conversations Randy was not ready for.

Before he could make a move to try to offer comfort, she managed to pull herself together and shove her choppy black curls away from her forehead.

His own scattered thoughts latched onto the small but constant comfort Beau's family was.

"I bet the girls could use some help with everything tomorrow. Bringing dinner out here."

Hadlee looked up with a shaky grin. "Thought you said they're drowning in babysitting volunteers."

"Yeah, yeah, well." Randy held out a blanket for Hadlee to take. "If you'll be here tonight anyway. You know Beau likes your company."

The younger scoffed lightheartedly. "Probably not."

"I would know," Randy returned, moving a pillow on the couch beside Hadlee.

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you took offense at that."

Randy scoffed in turn. "Alright, that's enough emotions for a week, and you look as tired as I feel. I'll drop you off in the morning and Beau can get you to college if you're feeling up for it."

Hadlee nodded, hesitating before offering one more quiet "thank you" that she wasn't even sure the other heard.

"There she is," Hadlee found herself saying the next morning as she scooped Ava into her arms and spun around with her. "Look at you, gettin' up early."

"Mama's still sleepin'," the curly-haired girl declared before climbing onto Hadlee's back.

Hadlee had, at some point that morning, decided to walk to Beau and Maria's place. There had been no point in calling for a ride or waking up anyone at the other house.

Another voice from the patio made Hadlee look up.

"Morning, Hadlee," Beau called to her. "I was just getting ready to start breakfast."

"I'll help," Hadlee said with a nod. "Brought some coffee."

Beau smiled. "You know us too well. Come on in, come on. Take off your coat and stay a while."

Hadlee shrugged her backpack off, handing Beau a cardboard takeout drink holder so she could turn her attention back to Ava.

"Are you goin' back to school?" Ava asked, pulling Hadlee's hair slightly as she pretended to put it into a ponytail.

"Probably," Hadlee grinned, playfully fluffing the five-year-old's curls.

"And I'm going to kindergarten."

Hadlee nodded. "You're getting so big already."

Beau offered Hadlee a quick but comforting hug before turning to peel Ava off Hadlee's back. "If you wanna get some of the waffles out of the freezer, I'll get this one ready for school."

"Can Hal go with us?"

"She's gonna stay home for a while. She'll be back with me to pick you up, remember?"

"Nah, it's fine," Hadlee said. "If there's room in the car, I can go."

Beau glanced over. "You're sure?"

"Unless it's a bother, I-"

"Oh, you know it isn't," the older cut Hadlee off. "You can take one of the sweatshirts in the entry closet, it's awfully cold to be wearing a t-shirt."

Hadlee shot her a grateful smile, though ultimately decided to at least start on breakfast first.

It hadn't been easy to find time to build up her wardrobe again. With her family's memories of her erased and everything she had before Showfall either distributed among her siblings or gone entirely, even the government funds were only going so far.

"You feeling okay to try going to classes again today?" Beau asked, breaking Hadlee out of her trance. Ava was nowhere to be seen, presumably picking out her own outfit for the day as many five-year-olds would insist on doing.

"Not sure yet," Hadlee admitted. "Might just go outside and watch them or something. I couldn't stay home last night, either. Left a note and slept at the other house."

A gentle hand moved to rub her shoulder. "You know you're welcome to the futon in my office, at least during the day. It's not the best, but it's comfortable enough to do classes in."

"Thank you," Hadlee murmured, not trusting her voice as emotion threatened to choke it out entirely.

Beau gently slid the toaster closer to herself. "It's nothing. I'll take care of this. Go get something warm on, okay?" She paused, waiting for a nod from Hadlee before continuing. "Maybe we should go out today instead. The professors won't give you trouble."

"I know," Hadlee said. "Maybe. Sounds nice."

Beau offered an encouraging smile. "Consider it done, then. Right after-"

As though on cue, Ava slkipped out into the kitchen, shirt inside out and shoes on the wrong feet.

"Want some help with those shoes, Ava?"

Hadlee laughed a little as the little girl firmly shook her head.

"Backwards Thursday it is," Beau confirmed.

Hadlee did find a blue jacket she liked, and breakfast continued with little else happening. Ava mostly continued her chatter, though neither of the adults there minded. By the time several recountings of jumbled antics from Ava's class had been described with exaggerated detail, the drive had been completed.

Beau's usual 'listen to your teachers, we'll be back in a few hours' talk followed, and Hadlee watched as Ava walked to the group gathered around her teacher.

"Thinking about going anywhere in particular?"

Hadlee looked over, hesitation flickering in her eyes. "Not- not really, I guess. Not yet. It's been a few years."

"That's fine."

"House first?"

"House first."

Hadlee had never regretted any two words more in her whole life.

"Hadlee, I need a phone now."

"What's wrong?"

"No questions, just hurry."

Hadlee was ready to panic. Beau's voice barely sounded like her. It wasn't her. The calm but firm woman Hadlee had begun leaning on was only scared now. No matter how much Hadlee didn't want to be, she was beginning to realize why.

"What happened?" Randy's voice cut through the fog in Hadlee's mind for a second, but it didn't last.

"It's Maria. Don't ask, I don't know any more than you do. Come on."

"I'm sorry, I should've stayed home, I'm sorry," Hadlee heard herself say without any idea who she was saying it to.

"Hadlee, I need you to tell me where they are." Randy again.

Hadlee could feel a strong, painful grip on her arms that nearly left her sobbing before she realized it was from her own hands.

"I don't know," she managed to say, fighting the shuddering feeling in her spine. "I promised Pey, he told me and I promised, I should've-"

"Hadlee, stop," Randy interrupted, and she could swear he was shaking as much as she was.

Her brain was repeating the same thoughts, how she could've stayed home and stopped Maria, how she could've saved Beau from this, how Randy was probably more scared than Hadlee herself was.

And yet she couldn't bring herself to say a word.

First Henrik, then Paislie, now Maria, just like the eighteen-year-old had guessed.

Hadlee didn't move from the waiting room floor.

Randy stayed by the door too, likely waiting for any news.

The silence was deafening.

It could've been seconds or hours later that Hadlee heard a voice she didn't recognize, hurried questions from Randy intermittently cutting in.

"-was three minutes ago."

"Is her wife still here?"

"We left her to process everything for a moment."

Silence returned, during which Hadlee made an effort to open her eyes even a little to see what was happening.

"We're going home."

Randy's expression sent a chill through Hadlee. She'd only ever seen him like this once before.

"Can I stay with Beau?"

The older looked as though he were gearing up to yell -or something, it was hard to tell anymore- before he sighed. A nod was the only gesture she was offered.

"I'll take the car home."

And just like that, Hadlee found herself alone in the waiting room.

Nurses walked back and forth, every once in a while glancing up at Hadlee as though they weren't sure whether or not to address her.

She felt just as lost as some of them looked when they sent millisecond-long looks in her direction.

Just hours before, she'd been thinking about college. Her family. Ava.

Ava.

That little girl's mom wasn't coming home.

Her mom wasn't coming home and she would have every right to blame it on Hadlee once she was old enough to know what happened.

Hadlee's brain felt clouded over, any sense of time gone.

"It's time to go."

That was Beau.

Her voice sounded different from how it had this morning. Expectedly so, not that that helped.

It was a different Hadlee had never thought she'd have to hear, she thought as least this family could be safe and happy.

It had been months and still the shadow of Showfall loomed over the whole family. That was the realization that made Hadlee want to scream until her voice gave out.

"Don't apologize, honey. We're going home."

Hadlee looked up. Had she said something? Fuck, existing had never hurt this much.

"Ava's with Niki and Cade tonight. They offered to take her until the house gets put back together."

"I'll drive," Hadlee offered suddenly, walking as close beside Beau as she could for what little comfort she hoped it was worth.

It was the least she could do at this point.

Beau didn't answer.

The only sounds on the way back to the house was the car engine and the barely audible sound of crying.

Fourteen hours after they'd left to follow Maria, Hadlee pulled Beau's car back into the driveway.

At some point during the night, Hadlee threw more waffles in the toaster. She knew neither of them were hungry, but eating would at least give both herself and Beau something constructive to do. Neither of them felt like sleeping. Or maybe they did and just refused to tell the other.

Either way, she was practically delirious with grief (defeat?) and confusion by the morning. Confusion, though, mostly for the sake of the fact that she hardly even knew Maria. Confusion because she felt like her emotions were already running dry.

It at least offered her the one small mercy of being able to hold herself together for the older woman's sake.

Without that, she was sure Beau's attempt to apologize would have sent her spiraling.

After that Hadlee had been sure things couldn't get worse.

She had been wrong.

The sun had only been up for a few hours when a knock on the door came. Hadlee's dampened hope that it would just be Niki or Charlie or anyone she knew was drowned out as her eyes met yet another unfamiliar face.

Hadlee could only listen, at a complete loss as the officer told her Randy didn't make it to the house.

He'd offered to show her and Beau pictures of the car.

The younger just shook her head.

No matter how hard Hadlee tried, there were no right choices she could make with the options given to her. She couldn't help but wonder if this was how Showfall must have felt for the ones who weren't lucky enough to just have a desk job.

Hadlee had left the house after the cop car did, promising Beau not to go farther than the woods behind her house, promising to come back.

Whatever domino effect had attached itself to Beau's family had come full circle in one last violent tragedy of circumstance.

Hadlee had made it through Showfall for five years. She'd made it back to her family, made it back to college. She'd thought the last survivors would have made it, too. She'd thought Beau's family would heal, as painfully slow as it was.

Now it was gone save for Ava, and Hadlee's own world had never felt closer to ending.